


This War's Not Over

by AnakinCaffrey



Series: Threads [3]
Category: White Collar
Genre: "First" Love, Anger/Resentment, Angst/Family Angst, Attempted Forced Pregnancy, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Falling in Love (again), Family, First Time, First Time Bottoming, Kidnapping, M/M, Memory Loss, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Rough Sex, Shower Sex, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence, Wall Sex, Workplace Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-28 22:59:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 60
Words: 351,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3873004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnakinCaffrey/pseuds/AnakinCaffrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Neal's abduction, things are going to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the third installment of my Threads verse. If you've gotten through the first two, thank you so much for your continued interest! I've been excited to start this part because of the ideas I have for it, so I hope it'll be interesting for you as well.  
> I've added covers to each part recently. The cover for _To Us the World is Different_ is on chapter one, same as this part, but the cover for _I Never Meant For You to Fix Yourself_ is on chapter two if you haven't seen them yet.  
>  Title is a line from "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday. I think the song fits this part very well if you're interested in listening to it.

Neal woke up with an annoying throbbing sensation between his neck and shoulder where he’d been tased. That didn’t bother him. What did bother him was that he was blindfolded and his wrists and ankles were shackled. His arms hurt because they were elevated and spread out to the sides. His ability to move was minimal at best and caused discomfort regardless. “So what’s next?” he called out. He wasn’t entirely afraid. No, he didn’t know what she was going to do to him, but he knew what she was capable of and he had the feeling he could play to her feelings for him if they were genuine. Besides, it would only be a matter of time before Peter came to his rescue.

“For someone who’s all chained up, you sure are bold.”

Her warm fingers caressed his jaw and he jerked away from her hand. “I’m just curious. If you’re planning on raping me or forcing me into some kind of sexual act, then you’re gonna love it when I tell you that it’s happened to me before and I honestly don’t give a fuck anymore.” He hated that this kept happening to him, but he wasn’t going to whimper and sob anymore. It wasn’t like he had much to worry about. He knows she can’t get pregnant if they do end up having sex.

His doctor revealed that he was infertile after his encounter with Vincent and Craig. It didn’t really bother him because he had no intention of impregnating another woman—accidentally or otherwise. His son and the adopted twins were enough to keep him happy and satisfied with his life. Kate, unfortunately, died after giving birth to Nicky, but she wasn’t in their lives to complicate things. He may not know he has a son if she’d lived. If she did bring him into their lives so he could get to know his son, there was always the possibility that she’d take Neal for everything he had, which wasn’t much to begin with.

Making sure Nicky was taken care of and happy was his sole priority and almost all of his income at the time went directly towards his efforts to raise Nicky in a good, loving home. He never wished that Kate died, but he was kind of grateful because her death brought life into the world. Rachel couldn’t have a baby genetically linked to Neal because of his infertility—and Vincent and Craig were to blame for that.

“Really? And why might that be?”

He chuckled. “Because I know what you want and I know I can’t give it to you the way you want me to.”

Gripping his chin roughly, she hissed, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“The moment I said I had a son, your eyes lit up,” he said tightly. “Unfortunately for you, I’m unable to give you a kid of your own.”

She was confused, wondering how that was even possible. Then it dawned on her that he was probably lying to deter her from having sex with him. “We’ll see,” she whispered, letting go of his chin. “We’ll routinely try. I’m going to make you love me, Neal, and you’ll make love with me. We’ll have a lovechild together.”

“Nicky was my lovechild,” Neal said in response when he heard her heels growing distant. “Sorry, but you’re not exactly the first woman I’ve dealt with.”

“We’ll see how brave and overly confident you are when I tell you that I’m pregnant.”

And with that, she was gone. The door across the room slammed shut and locked, leaving him alone in the darkness. If she forced him to have sex with her, he knew Peter wouldn’t hold it against him. He didn’t want to have sex with her, but he knew it was inevitable. Every time he was taken from his family, someone raped him. This would be the fourth time, but he could handle it. He hates penetrating others, but it was better than being penetrated by someone he didn’t give his consent to.

As long as no other men were involved, he’d be fine. The last thing he ever wanted was for another man to violate his body. He believed that territory belonged solely to his husband. He believed Peter when Peter told him that he hadn’t been unfaithful at any point in their relationship, but he wished his body had been kept moderately pure for Peter. He couldn’t help the fact that he’d been taken advantage of as a teenager because that was before Peter and Nicky became important factors in his life.

If Rachel wanted his body, so be it. He had nothing to offer her aside from a little physical pleasure. He couldn’t and wouldn’t fall in love with her nor could he give her the opportunity to experience carrying his child. Peter knew that as well as he did. After all, Peter had been there with Neal when he’d gone down to DC after returning from his encounter with both Vincent and Craig. It didn’t bother either of them that much and Neal actually felt closer to Peter in that moment because, as it turns out, Peter’s always been infertile. It was why he and Elizabeth couldn’t get pregnant and he felt like less of a man for being unable to give her what she wanted at the time. Now, knowing that his husband is just as infertile as he is, Peter was able to make amends with himself.

Neal was bothered by the fact that his body would be used for someone else’s pleasure against his will, but Peter wouldn’t hold him accountable for whatever was going to happen to him. Peter, as always, would come to his rescue and carry him away from this hell. Peter would take care of him and remind him that he didn’t do anything wrong, that he didn’t deserve any of this. He’d remind Neal that he’s loved, that he deserves love, and he’d promise Neal his unconditional love without hesitation. “I just hope you aren’t pissed at yourself for my abduction,” he whispered to himself. “You aren’t at fault, Peter…”

He firmly believed that. He hadn’t seen any of this coming, honestly, because he thought it was going to take a little more effort and time for Rachel to grab him. The fact that he’d been grabbed as easily as he had been made him wonder if one of the agents was an imposter. If that were the case, Peter still wasn’t responsible. No matter what happened at any point, Neal would never blame Peter for this.

Peter would have done anything to protect him and Neal didn’t doubt that Peter was out there searching for him at that very moment. Peter was nothing if not devoted to him and Neal loved him more for being the man and husband he’s always been. He’d come to Neal’s rescue in a matter of time, so Neal wasn’t worried. Peter would _never_ give up on him.

•◊•

“Poppa?” Peter looked up when he heard the hesitant voice of his son. “Are you okay?” Peter, a week after Neal’s abduction, felt that he wasn’t any closer to finding his husband. He was working on this from home because he wanted to make sure his family was protected. It was bad enough that Neal was taken. Peter didn’t want their children to be kidnapped as well. He owed Neal that much since he hadn’t been able to protect Neal. Despite the fact that Neal wanted to search the house without Peter at his side, Peter felt responsible. He never wanted to control Neal, but he felt that he should’ve stayed close to Neal nonetheless…

“Yeah,” Peter said quietly. “I’m just…trying to find dad.” Nicky neared his poppa, sitting on the couch beside him. Peter kept his eyes on Nicky, knowing Nicky was hurting a lot and he was trying to put up a strong front—just like Neal would. “Are you okay?” he asked pointedly, reaching over to take Nicky’s right hand in his left.

Nicky nodded and whispered, “I won’t lie and say I’m not scared or upset. I’m both of those things, but I know you’ll get him back. You always have some kind of lead.” Glancing down at their hands, he said, “Dad left clues for you when he was trying to find me. Alex took you to the warehouse dad was in. I was able to call you once I figured out where we were… I know something will come up.” Peter gave his son a half smile, wishing he had the same confidence in himself that Nicky seemed to have. “You’ll hear something from someone or make some kind of connection through one of your cases and you’ll bring him home. That’s what you do, poppa. You save daddy and bring him home to us.”

Peter knew Nicky was going to crack as soon as he began to ramble on and on about Peter bring Neal home. Nicky trembled before finally snapping. “Nicky,” he whispered sympathetically when Nicky twisted towards him and cried against him. “Buddy, it’s okay.” He tried to convince them both of that, but it was hard to do so. The twins were so carefree on the floor in front of him while they played, but Nicky was crying and shaking against him. He didn’t know what to do or where to go, but he wanted to bring their daddy home to them like Nicky said he would. “Dad will be okay. We’ll find him and then we’ll take care of him together, okay?”

The teenager nodded, wrapping his arms around Peter. Jon and Hannah were still there with them because they wanted to make sure Peter was able to function properly. They knew Nicky and the twins needed Peter more than ever and Peter was trying his hardest to balance his focus on finding Neal and taking care of their three kids. “I don’t want him to get hurt again,” Nicky whispered. “She may not be a guy, but she can still hurt him.”

“I know,” Peter said. There was no point in sugarcoating any of this now that Nicky understood a lot more. When he was nine or ten years old, it was a different story. He could make up some kind of story to relax Nicky back then. He could say they were close to finding Neal and Nicky would get excited. Now, now he couldn’t lie. He couldn’t promise Nicky that his daddy would be home soon to give him hugs and kisses. He couldn’t promise that Neal would come back unscathed—unscarred. “He’ll need us, Nick. Once we bring him home, we need to remind him that we love him. He needs to know that he isn’t at fault for what happened.”

“Do you know that you aren’t at fault for what happened?” Nicky asked quietly, looking up at Peter.

Peter kissed Nicky’s forehead and whispered, “Honestly, I am at fault. I should’ve—”

“You always tell yourself that you should’ve done this or could’ve done that, but… Poppa, you and dad aren’t attached at the hip. Sometimes, things happen and you can’t prevent it no matter how hard you try.” Peter smiled sadly as he listened to his son. Nicky was the living proof that Neal’s a good man. He’d raised his son to be such a sweetheart. “What matters is that daddy believes in you and I believe in you. He’ll come home soon. He’ll be here, safe with us, and she’ll be in prison.”

“When did you become so wise?” Peter whispered, teasing the teenager lightly. Nicky smiled up at Peter before Peter kissed his forehead again. “I’m doing everything I can for him, Nick. I’m tracking down any white van that was caught on traffic cams and agents are scouring all parts of New York to find him.” He felt useless because he was working on this from home. He felt like he needed to be out there searching for Neal himself. He knew his parents could take care of the kids, but he didn’t want to leave and come home to find his family dead. Rachel is a trained, skilled killer. She had no qualms about killing someone and he didn’t want her to kill more innocent people.

The people she’d been living with weren’t her parents at all. They were family, but they hadn’t wanted to keep Rachel with them. Upon speaking with more of Rachel’s family, they discovered that she was a coldblooded killer, that she never felt remorse. She’d do anything to get what she wanted and she didn’t care who she hurt in the process.

Apparently that extended to children. By abducting Neal, she was hurting Neal’s children. The twins may not comprehend what’s going on, but they know their daddy is missing and they’re confused when they do realize that. “We’ll get him back soon, poppa. I know you’re doing your best—and I know it’s hard for you to do your best because of us.”

“Don’t say that,” Peter said softly. “I love you three as much as I love your daddy. I just…don’t want anything to happen to any of you.” He wrapped his arms around Nicky’s body and hugged him lovingly, resting his cheek atop Nicky’s head. “You, your brother, your sister, and your daddy are my babies. I’ll do everything in my power to protect all of you and I know he’d want me to watch over you three. Dad will be okay.” He hoped anyway. He wasn’t sure why Rachel wanted Neal so desperately or why she became a completely different person simply because she wanted to attract a gay, married man. “Dad wouldn’t want me to go out there and risk your lives by leaving you alone. Dad is a great man and he would be really upset with me if I didn’t focus on the three of you, but I will bring him home nonetheless, Nick. I’ll do everything I can.”

Jon listened to his son speak to his grandson. He was very proud of Peter because he knew Peter wanted to cry and unleash his rage. He knew Peter was frustrated, but Peter was trying to protect his family. He loves his children and he won’t act like he’s going insane in front of them. He knew Neal would be acting the same way with their children if their places were reversed. Peter was doing what he could to aid in the search for his husband, but he was very limited in what he could do because the last thing he wanted to do was leave his other babies. Rachel may take advantage of his absence and hurt their innocent children. Peter wanted to protect them—Neal would demand that Peter protect them.

“I love you, poppa,” Nicky whispered against Peter. “I know you’ll bring him home. He knows you will, too.”

Peter stroked Nicky’s hair as tears welled up in his eyes. He hoped he didn’t let his son down. Neal meant everything to them both, but he definitely didn’t want to disappoint Nicky. He didn’t want to deprive the children of their daddy. “I love you,” he whispered thickly, swallowing hard to keep himself from crying. He had to be strong for the kids—Nicky at the very least. Nicky was counting on him to save Neal.

•◊•

Neal blinked quickly when the blindfold was suddenly removed from his face. He didn’t know how long he’d been stuck where he was, but it felt like forever. It was more than a few days and he’d been beaten several times. He never saw the man who beat him, but he knew it was a man. Rachel’s hands weren’t big enough to do the damage these hands caused him. These beatings were nothing in comparison to things he’s been through in the past.

He’d been raped as a teenager, endured an abusive relationship with his stepbrother and a man who’d been his boss at one point in time, tortured and raped by Craig, beaten by Peter while they were on a case, and he’d survived double penetration and extreme torture and starvation. Having someone punch him in the gut and slug him across the jaw was _nothing._ Hell, Peter did worse to him and they’re married. What this man here was doing to him made him laugh. Whenever he laughed, the man knocked him out. It didn’t bother him at all, to be honest. He just didn’t like that he couldn’t see.

Rachel hadn’t even forced him into sex yet and it made him wonder why. “Good morning,” she whispered, staring into his eyes. He was blinking, trying to adjust to the sudden light. His surroundings were dark, but there was a light shining through bars in the upper right corner. “How’re we feeling?”

“Just dandy,” he said, shrugging even though it hurt him to do so. He knew he was pissing her off by acting like this. She wanted him to grovel, to beg to be released, scream that he’d do anything she asked of him. He knew by now that that was what she wanted, so he was doing his best to resist. Maybe she’d let him go if he proved to be undesirable. But she is a psychopath, so that was only wishful thinking on his part. “How’re you?”

“I really hate how giddy you are.” She circled him and he watched her as best he could. She didn’t have a whip or anything, so he wasn’t afraid at the moment. “You’re bruised, a little underweight, and _dirty._ ”

That struck a nerve within him. Being called a whore, a slut, and other derogatory names were okay because he’d become accustomed to them since he was thirteen years old. Being called _dirty_ has always gotten to him because he doesn’t like what that implies. “Well, you do have your lackeys beat me, starve me, and you don’t allow me to leave this room to relieve myself or shower. If you’re disgusted with my appearance, you’re the only one at fault. I’m just chained up.”

“Do your arms hurt?”

“No more than usual,” he said smoothly.

She raised an eyebrow. “I want to have sex with you.”

He laughed. “You make it sound like I have a choice.”

Something in the way she stood beside him made him feel strange. “I don’t want to force you,” she whispered. “I love you and I want you to love me, Neal.” He would’ve laughed, but she sounded so dejected. “I’ve always fallen for gay men. You certainly aren’t the first, Neal, but you are the first one I’ve wanted for more than sex—more than your sperm.” He glanced at her and, as far as he could tell, she was being honest with him. “I want to be with you, but you need to learn to let go of your past, Neal. Peter will never find you here. None of your FBI friends will ever find you here.”

Hearing that, that his chances of escape were minimal, made his heart ache. He didn’t want to be stuck here forever. He didn’t want to believe that he was somewhere Peter would never look. Peter has found him before and he knows he’s still in New York, so Peter would find him someday. “My husband taught me to look on the Brightside of things,” he whispered.

She whipped around and struck the side of his face. He made a sound of discomfort, but he didn’t cry out like he’d cried out in the past. “You will not refer to him as _that._ I’m letting you keep your ring because I know it means a lot to you and it means a lot to me as well.” Through his glare, he looked curious, wondering why his wedding ring was important to her. She came around to stand in front of him again and showed him her left hand. She had a silver ring on her ring finger that nearly matched Neal’s ring. His eyes widened and he looked up at her. “For all intents and purposes, I’m your wife. We’ll have a child together, Neal. I just want you to consent.”

“Because it’s not rape if I ask for it,” he whispered. “Never. I may be your ‘slave’ for all intents and purposes, but I will never be loyal to you. You have no control over me, Rachel. I refuse to consent. I’m a loyal, faithful man.”

“I didn’t want to use you against your will, Neal,” she said sadly, lifting her hand to stroke his jaw. He jerked away from her touch, glaring at her again. “You’ve forced my hand though.” She turned and a man with a syringe came into the room. “Drug him.” She stepped aside and frowned at Neal. Neal didn’t want this. He’d never want this. He couldn’t love a woman the way he loves Peter. He couldn’t love a woman at all. Even if he tried his damnedest, he could never fall in love with her.

“Rachel, you don’t want to do this,” he said, his voice slightly frantic. He thrashed around a bit in the hopes that the chains were weak. “Rachel, please!” A few other men came in and Neal knew it was over. He just stopped resisting and let it happen. If he didn’t do this willingly, they’d still force him either way.

His final thoughts before blacking out were of Peter, wondering if Peter was out there looking for him right now.

•◊•

Nicky held Peter’s right hand in his left as Peter drove. He was taking Nicky and the twins into the bureau with him. He needed to work from the bureau, but he wasn’t going to leave his kids at home. Jon and Hannah were fine with staying in the house and Peter demanded that they call him if something happened, which they assured him they would do. “Are you sure we aren’t going to mess up things there?”

“I have a private office, Nick. The twins have their toys that they can play with while I’m on the computer. You’re very welcome to staying with me, but you’re allowed to wander around a bit if you feel like talking to Aunt Di or some other agents. I don’t want you out of my direct sight though. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, poppa,” Nicky whispered. Nicky highly doubted that anyone would kidnap him in the FBI building, but he remembered his poppa and Aunt Diana talking about a mole in the White Collar division. He’d gotten a call this morning from Jones and was told they may have found their mole.

Peter glanced over at Nicky after parking. “If you’re uncomfortable, I can get you on dad’s computer so you can entertain yourself.” Nicky nodded, rubbing Peter’s hand for a moment before they both exited the vehicle and went to grab one of the twins. Peter grabbed the bag they’d filled with toys for the twins because he wanted to make sure they were preoccupied until he had to take them all home.

As soon as they were on the twenty-first floor, Peter and Nicky took the twins up to Peter’s office. As they were getting the twins comfortable, Jones came up to the door and knocked on it. Peter glanced over his shoulder before standing up to his full height. “Peter, Jamison is in the interrogation room.”

“That bastard,” he hissed. “If he’s the one who shoved Neal into the back of the van, I swear to God I—” He cut himself off, glancing at Nicky. Nicky was concerned and curious, but he kept quiet. He wasn’t getting much out of Peter, so he wanted to hear whatever it was that they’d found out. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, Nicky. Can you stay with your brother and sister?”

Nicky nodded silently and Peter nodded at Jones. Both men left the office and Diana came in a few moments later. “Hey, you,” she said with a small smile.

“Hey, Aunt Di.” He allowed them a few moments of easy conversation before misdirecting like he’d seen his father do in the past. He’d watched Neal and Mozzie run a couple cons, but he hadn’t known they were cons until he’d gotten a little older. “Would you mind watching them while I go to the bathroom?” She nodded and he left. He knew where the bathrooms were and he knew where the interrogation room was. He headed down to the interrogation room, hoping Diana wasn’t paying attention to him. Fortunately, she was too busy playing with the twins in Peter’s office.

He rounded the corner cautiously. The last thing he wanted was to make Peter angry with him. As soon as he was heading down the narrow corridor leading to the interrogation room, he could hear his poppa’s raised voice. “How much did she pay you? Was it worth it? Was the money worth tearing a family apart, Jamison?”

“I didn’t know he had a family,” Jamison said, sounding nervous and slightly afraid.

Nicky came to stand near the see-through wall and he watched Peter. He’d seen Peter angry with him or with Neal, but he’d never seen Peter like this. Peter slammed a picture down onto the table in front of the ‘agent’ and showed him Nicky and the twins. “He has three children. You took their father from them. How do you think they feel?” he snarled. He wasn’t telling Jamison that he and Neal are married. It didn’t matter at the moment. He wanted to make Jamison feel guilty for ripping the father of three children away from those innocent kids. “Do you think he meant nothing to them?”

“I-I… I didn’t think—”

“No,” he snapped. “You didn’t. You didn’t take into consideration that he’s a father, a brother, a husband. You took him from his family. You may not have directly taken him to wherever he’s been taken to, but you aided in his abduction.” Jamison looked sick with guilt because he truly hadn’t known Neal had a family. He assumed Neal was a single man who had no relationship or children because Rachel made it sound like that. “I know you have two kids of your own. How do you think they would feel if you were taken from them? Would they want to know where their daddy is, Jamison? Would they cry themselves to sleep at night because they know their daddy wasn’t home to care for them?”

Nicky’s eyes welled up with tears as he listened to his poppa. He could hear the anger and pain in Peter’s voice and it was hurting him as well. Listening to Peter try to interrogate the man who’d helped Rachel was hurting Nicky because everything Peter said was true. He’d cried himself to sleep beside Peter because he wanted Neal home—safe and sound.

Jamison stared at the picture on the tabletop and looked miserable. “I don’t know where she took him,” he whispered. “She told me she wanted me to have him ready for her when she parked the van beside the house.” His hands trembled as he said, “If I’d known he had kids, I wouldn’t have done this.”

“You should just assume people have children. Even if he didn’t, he has people who love him, who’d miss him. Do they not matter? Not only are you hurting his children, but you’re hurting his brothers as well as his spouse.”

“Agent Burke, I didn’t know he was married.” Peter found that bizarre. How could he not know? He and Neal share a surname. “Turner called him ‘Neal Caffrey.’ I didn’t know he—”

Snarling in rage, Peter growled, “Neal is _my_ husband. You took him from me. You took him from our innocent children. You sick son of a bitch.” Nicky leaned against the wall and covered his mouth as he cried. He was trying to stay quiet because he didn’t want Peter to know he was in the hall. Peter didn’t want him listening to this conversation and he was slowly beginning to realize why. “Do you have any idea…? Did she tell you what she planned on doing to him?” Jamison swallowed hard and shook his head. “She’s going to sexually assault him. She’s a trained killer and she will force him into submission. You’ve taken him from his children and his husband, only to give him over to a sadistic psychopath who wants him for one purpose.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Peter looked severely pissed off as he said, “Sorry doesn’t cut it, Jamison. Obviously you don’t know much about my husband, but he’s been raped by men repeatedly in the past.” Jamison looked horrified and, if possible, even guiltier. “His body has been used to pleasure others before and you’ve put him into a sexual situation he hasn’t consented to. She’s going to have sex with him. Imagine how you, as a married man, would feel if another woman forced you into having sex with her? Would you like it?”

“N-No.”

“He’s a homosexual man. Having men rape him is similar to having a man rape a woman. It’s the same experience of vulnerability. He, as a man, is going to be raped by a woman.” Pressing his palms against the top of the table, he whispered, “Can you live with that knowledge? That you’ve put a gay man into a sexual situation that he’d never want to be in? That you’ve taken him from people who love him and care for him?”

Jamison was in tears by this point and Nicky slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, crying quietly. “I’m so sorry,” he said miserably. “If I knew where she took him, I’d tell you. I don’t want to take a father from his kids—I don’t want to be taken from my kids.”

Peter’s jaw set firmly as he said, “You’re going to prison for this. Maybe you’ll understand my anger. You’ll know how it feels to be stripped of the people you love, the people who love you. Your children will suffer the way our children have.” He pointed at Nicky in the picture and said, “He’s our oldest. He’s Neal’s biological son. Imagine how _he_ feels without his daddy. Give that some God damn thought while you’re sitting in your prison cell tonight, Jamison.” He took the picture off of the table and turned away, murmuring, “Get him out of my sight,” to the guards who were prepared to take him away.

Jamison was escorted out of the room by the two men who’d been guarding the room during the interrogation. Nicky was still sitting in the hallway, crying, when Peter and Jones came out of the interrogation room. The second Peter came around the corner, his eyes were wide and full of pain.

He darted down the hall and sank to his knees, pulling Nicky into his arms. He stroked Nicky’s hair and hushed him, gently rocking him. “I hope he suffers,” Nicky whispered against Peter’s throat. “I hope someone hurts him because he’s hurt us and daddy.”

Nicky, like his father, isn’t a violent person. Also like his father, Nicky wanted justice. He wanted justice to be served, for his father’s captors to be brought in and incarcerated for everything they have or will put Neal through. Nicky wasn’t so sure that prison was enough though. Given the state his father was in when he’d come home from ordeals like this in the past, Nicky was more interested in seeing Rachel, Jamison, and whoever else was involved on death row.

Peter held Nicky, closing his eyes as he listened to his teenage son cry. He needed to find Neal and he needed to do so quickly. Nicky needed him to bring Neal home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes continue to struggle.

Nicky woke up to his poppa snoring quietly beside him. Papers were sprawled out across the big bed and the laptop was at the foot of the bed, ready to topple over with the slightest movement. Peter looked exhausted and Nicky knew he must’ve been up all night trying to track down a lead he’d found. It probably ended up dead since Peter hadn’t left. Nicky kept going to bed with Peter because he wanted to make sure he didn’t lose Peter, too. He couldn’t think of a reason that explained why he was afraid to lose Peter because it didn’t seem like Rachel had an interest in him at all. If anything, she completely hated Peter.

Sighing quietly, Nicky pushed himself up a bit and cleaned up the papers covered in Peter’s handwriting. When he’d fallen asleep, Peter was still working on this. That was around two in the morning. Now, it was eleven and he didn’t know exactly when Peter had finally gotten himself to sleep. Either way, he wanted Peter to sleep, so he collected Peter’s papers and the laptop, piling them up on Peter’s nightstand.

He got back onto the bed and stared at Peter, seeing every gray hair his poppa had, every indication that Peter was stressing himself. Snuggling closer to Peter, he pulled Peter’s arm over him and buried his face against Peter’s chest just beneath Peter’s chin. He felt safe like this and he’d felt just as safe when he’d slept with Neal the same way. “You okay?” Peter whispered, rubbing Nicky’s back absently as he tried to sound moderately awake.

“Worried about you,” Nicky whispered in response. Peter’s brows furrowed, but he didn’t open his eyes just yet. “When did you finally get to sleep?”

“Quarter to nine,” Peter said sleepily.

Nicky sighed. “Go back to sleep, poppa.”

Peter shook his head, opening his eyes slowly. “No. I have responsibilities to you and your brother and sister, Nick. I can’t just sleep the day away.” Nicky nodded, frowning. “I’m surprised they aren’t up yet.” His eyes flew open completely and he pushed himself up. “Shit!” he hissed as he slid out of bed and darted down the hall. Nicky was utterly confused as he got out of bed and followed his poppa. “Why didn’t you guys wake me up when they woke up?” he asked on the stairway.

“Peter Michael,” Hannah admonished as she fed Brie, “you didn’t get to sleep until well into this morning. If you continue exhausting yourself, how are you going to take care of your babies? How will you find Neal if you don’t—”

“I’ll find him,” Peter growled. “I won’t stop searching until I find him.”

Nicky rubbed Peter’s back when he came further down the stairs. “Listen to grandma,” he whispered. Peter, having forgotten for a moment that his son was the one behind him, spun and glared down at him, scaring the hell out of the teenager. When his look of fear registered with Peter, Peter gasped and relaxed, staring at him apologetically.

Peter reached out and pulled Nicky close, hugging him. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. He couldn’t afford to lose his son’s trust and love right now. If he turned on Nicky, he really had no one. Yes, he talked to Jon about some things, but he talked to Nicky more because Nicky needed to be consoled and reassured every now and then. Nicky is like Neal in so many ways. Being around the teenager gave him the strength he needed because Nicky reminded him that Neal was worth saving, worth loving.

“It’s okay,” Nicky said quietly. “Just listen to grandma, poppa. She’s right.” Peter closed his eyes, rubbing Nicky’s back. “You need to rest. You’re wearing yourself thin. If you aren’t able to focus and work to the best of your ability, you aren’t helping dad at all.”

He listened to his son and went back to bed after Hannah and Jon promised that they’d watch the kids for a little while. They said they’d wake him up if something came up just to put his mind at ease. “You’re the voice of reason,” Jon said, smiling at his grandson as he took a seat beside the teenager. “I’m really glad he listened to you.”

Nicky smiled sadly. “He listens to me because of dad. I look like dad, act like dad… He’d listen to dad if dad asked him to go to sleep before he exhausted the hell out of himself.” His eyes widened when he realized he’d just cursed in front of his grandparents.

Hannah just smiled, knowing that didn’t matter to Jon. “You’re right,” Jon agreed. “Your dad would be able to get your poppa to sleep. He really needs his sleep, so I’m grateful to not see him down here.”

The teenager sat there on the couch and thought about his dad. By this point, a whole month had passed since he’d been abducted. This was the longest period of time he’s been away from them all. Assuming Neal was being tortured, a month there was probably killing him. A month without his family, a month with rape, a month without stability… He couldn’t even imagine what his dad was feeling right now. He didn’t even know if his dad was alive.

Thinking that his father was dead was the absolute worst train of thought he’d conjured up in weeks and he wanted to break down. He knew his grandparents or poppa would comfort him. They’d comforted Neal when he’d had breakdowns, so Nicky knew he could receive that same luxury from his family. “Do you think dad’s still alive?” he whispered, glancing up at his grandfather. “Do you think he’s survived being tortured?”

“I think so,” Jon said softly. “Your daddy is a very strong man. He’s gotten through a lot and he knows he’ll come home to a loving husband and his loving children.” He kissed Nicky’s hair and said, “I’m not going to say that you shouldn’t worry about him. I’m worried about him—so is poppa. He’s your daddy, so you have every right to be afraid of what’s happening to him.” Nicky leaned against him and closed his eyes. “I know it’s been a few weeks, but your poppa will find him, Nick.”

“I know,” Nicky whispered sadly, wishing he could help somehow. He wanted Neal home—right now. He didn’t like not seeing his dad smile at him. Hell, when he and Neal had been stuck in the farmhouse together, Neal still managed to smile at him just to remind him that things would be okay. Nicky had seen them double penetrate his father as well as cut him and force oral sex on him, yet Neal still managed to smile for Nicky’s sake. It was a weak smile, but a smile nonetheless. “I miss him.”

Jon nodded rubbing Nicky’s left shoulder. “I know you do, Nicky boy.” Nicky began to cry and Jon tried to comfort him, hugging him gently. He wouldn’t tell Nicky that Neal would be just fine when they finally found him because he didn’t want to get Nicky’s hopes up. After a month, there was no telling what they’d done to him. “We all miss him, but I know you miss him the most.” Nicky spent the longest amount of time with Neal, so they were beyond attached by this point. Peter and Neal were intimate over the span of several years and they were very dependent on each other. The love between Nicky and Neal and Neal and Peter was immense. Without one of those components, everything seemed to go to hell.

Peter was losing it day by day, frantically trying to force a lead out of thin air. He was grasping at straws while trying to get Reese to let him take teams out on a whim. Reese was concerned about Peter. He was fine with Peter bringing the kids into the bureau, but he didn’t want Peter to get himself killed trying to find his husband. “I feel like something’s going to happen to poppa. He’s going to get hurt.”

“Aunt Diana won’t let anything happen to your poppa. If possible, I’ll try to help poppa find your dad. I want him home as badly as you two do.” Nicky looked up at Jon with tears in his eyes. “Dad will come home and he’ll be okay. All he’ll need is you, the little ones, and your poppa. He can handle things if you’re all there to support him.”

“I’ll do anything to support him,” Nicky whispered. “I’ll even hold daddy like he’s held me if he needs it.” Jon could see Nicky phasing out a bit and he was concerned, wondering what his grandson was thinking. “When dad and I were in the farmhouse together… He was hurt so badly. Sometimes, he couldn’t move on his own, but he was so uncomfortable. Sometimes, he couldn’t even take a drink of the water I was given. I held him then and I know he appreciated it.” Jon smiled a little. “I’d do anything for dad. All he has to do is say the word and I’m there. He’s done so much for me—given up so much for me. I owe him.”

Jon rubbed Nicky’s arm for a few moments. “You know your daddy doesn’t think you owe him anything. You’re his baby boy, Nick. He loves you and he wants you to be happy.” Lifting his hand to stroke Nicky’s hair, he said, “Just be there for him. Hug him when he’s sad, tell him you love him when he’s upset… You’re one reason he fights to stay alive. He doesn’t want to leave you. He’ll fight his way out of there if he can.” Jon wasn’t exactly sure what Neal was capable of. He knew Neal would give himself up entirely for the people he loves, but they weren’t in danger this time. What would Neal be able to do now that only his life was on the line?

•◊•

Neal kept his eyes shut as she moved. He was drugged with something that temporarily paralyzed him. Even if he moved, he was tormented by shocks of electricity. It was a lose-lose situation, but he was trying to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing. Peter was still looking for him. He was sure of it. He knew weeks had gone by, but Peter was still looking. He couldn’t give up on him… Could he?

 _No._ He couldn’t afford to think that Peter had given up. “Enjoying this, sweetheart?” He was gagged, so he didn’t see the point in trying to answer. She knew he didn’t enjoy this at all. She, bitch that she is, brought an attractive young man into the room and had him suck Neal until he was hard as a rock. She then took advantage of that. Rachel was going to be severely disappointed when she finally discovers that Neal hadn’t been lying to her. He was unable to get anyone pregnant now—same as Peter.

She raked her fingernails over his bare chest and he wished she’d just leave him alone already. She’d been trying for a little over two weeks to get pregnant. Neal figured it might take longer than that for some women, but it wasn’t going to happen regardless. He’d gotten lucky on the first try with Kate. Although it wasn’t exactly luck. He hadn’t meant to have sex with Kate almost sixteen years earlier. He forgave himself for bringing his son into the world because he was very proud of Nicky and he was glad he’d raised his son properly. Nicky was a beautiful young man and Neal didn’t think he’d change. Nicky is his greatest accomplishment.

“Mmph,” he growled when she slammed her hips down onto him. He was lying on a wooden table of some sort. His wrists and ankles were bound to it, but he was still paralyzed by the drug she’d given him. He just hoped to God that the paralysis wouldn’t become permanent.

“Come, Neal. If you don’t, I’ll have to force my men to get you close enough.” He snarled despite being restricted by the gag. “Boothe,” she called out, glancing over her shoulder. Neal’s eyes flew open and he stared up at her, wide-eyed. He’d discovered that Boothe was the one beating him. The beatings were nothing externally, but he didn’t want Boothe internally beating him. Thus far, he’d managed to avoid being fucked by another man. He wanted to keep that up because he didn’t want to be violated any more than he already had been.

“What, Rachel?” the other man asked, sounding annoyed.

“You expressed an interest in Neal, but he’s lacking in his interest for me. I want you to—”

Neal was beginning to regain some of his ability to move, so the first thing he did was thrust his hips up. She looked at him, surprised. He was shocked as a result of the movement, but he figured this would be over sooner if he could just manage to find a way to ejaculate. She rested both of her palms against his chest and let him thrust up into her. He wanted this to be over. He’d prefer to be beat in the room they’d locked him in than lie beneath her and be forced to give her something she couldn’t have.

His screams were muffled. The electricity was harming him in more ways than one, but she didn’t seem to care all that much. She just wanted him to finish and he was trying his damnedest to by thinking about his husband, wishing he could touch Peter’s warm skin, rub his broad shoulders, kiss his chest... The screams slowly became sobs as he tried to make himself feel his husband instead of the woman abusing his body. Once he finally came, his body trembled. The sensations shooting through his body made him ache and feel very sensitive. Her skin felt like it making his vibrate. “Obviously you don’t need me,” Boothe said as he left.

Neal’s eyes were shut tightly and tears slid down the sides of his face into his hair. He’d done what she wanted to before Boothe had the chance to fuck him and he was relieved. His tears caused more by his relief than by the fact that he’d given in to her demand. He didn’t want another man inside of him until it was his husband who was hovering over him. “That was very good, Neal. That’s the most I’ve seen you participate yet.” She patted his cheek and he just remained silent. He vowed that he would kill her himself the moment he was set free.

Peter would probably arrest her, but Neal would grab his husband’s gun and shoot the bitch the second he had the opportunity to do so. She’s sick, sadistic, and twisted. She wanted things to go her way and Neal was trying to resist as much as he possibly could. If she could force him into submission, she could force another man. He’d rather be the last man she tormented than allow someone else to go through this, so he would be the one to put a bullet in her forehead. Their ‘friendship’ be damned, he would end her life.

After dismounting his body and the table, she stood beside his head and began to remove the gag. She leaned over him to kiss him when his mouth was finally exposed and the first thing he did was spit at her. He resented her and he was trying to prove that he’s no weakling. On his own, he could do this. He knew he could—hoped he could. He had to hold out long enough for Peter to find him, but he didn’t have to worry about losing his husband or his son. If his own life was taken, so be it. His family was safe.

Then again, she wouldn’t kill him. She would play with him even after she realized he was truthful in saying that she wasn’t going to be impregnated by him. She slapped him harshly and wiped her face off. “Bitch,” he whispered hoarsely, his mouth dry. “Fuck you.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re going to learn how to properly address your mistress. Like you said, you are my slave, darling. Whether you like it or not, I’m in control of this situation. You’re simply meant to lie there and take it—or rather, give it to me.” Running her fingernails along his sternum, she whispered, “And now I know what will scare you into making love with me.”

“Making love,” he scoffed. “I highly fucking doubt that you know what lovemaking even is.”

Staring at him, she asked, “Then why don’t you enlighten me, my love? What, to you, is lovemaking?”

He wanted to spit again, but he didn’t feel up to it. “Intimacy with someone you love and cherish—with someone who loves you and cherishes you.” Before she could respond, he snarled, “I will never love you. No matter what you do to me, I won’t love you. I love my husband with all of my heart and—” He screamed when she pressed a button on the side of the table. Electricity flowed through his body again and he couldn’t help crying again. It was becoming very painful—painful to the point of being unbearable.

“I told you that you aren’t allowed to call him that in my presence, Neal.” His fingers flexed as he tried desperately to keep himself quiet. It was hard to do when he was in excruciating pain. She’d learned that simple beatings weren’t enough to break him. Threatening him with electric shocks proved to be effective even though he was still attempting to be resistant. He refused to give in to her. If he weren’t shackled down, he’d easily fight her. Trained killer or not, he had plenty of motivation to end her life now.

As the pain became unbearable, his body felt like it was going to burst into flames or something equivalent to that. Something was wrong and he didn’t know what it was. Everything hurt and he was losing his consciousness. The longer he tried to fight it, the worse the pain became. His breathing accelerated and his back arched off of the table as much as it possibly could and he let out one last scream, screaming his husband’s name, pleading for help, before he finally fell prey to the darkness and pain.

•◊•

“You need to just assume that he isn’t coming back.” Peter stared at his boss, his broken heart expressing itself on his face. He hadn’t expected this when Reese said they needed to talk. “It’s been over a month, Peter. I know you love him, but it’s best to assume he was killed by this point rather than continue to waste our resources.”

Rage surged through Peter as he asked, “You think searching for my husband is a waste of resources? Searching for my children’s daddy is a waste of _resources?_ ” Reese could see that Peter was going to become hostile, but he knew Peter wouldn’t act outrageously—not with his kids in the adjacent office. “You haven’t been forced to watch your son cry every night for the last fucking month, Reese. I can handle the pain of my loss, but I can’t watch my son suffer when I know I can be doing something to bring his father home.”

Reese shook his head and sighed. “I think it’s time to let this go, Peter. They probably aren’t even in New York anymore if he’s still alive. At this point, it’ll be impossible to find him.”

“If this were your wife,” he growled, “wouldn’t you have every God damn agent in the bureau scouring the state for her? If you watched your child suffer, wouldn’t you want to do something to alleviate their pain?” Reese was silent, giving Peter a stony grimace. He didn’t want to argue with Peter because he knew he’d do everything Peter was doing if this were his spouse. Peter has loved Neal since the day they’d met six years earlier. They were still in the early stages of their romance in Reese’s opinion, but he knew how devoted to Neal Peter was. Peter would do anything, give anything to protect Neal and he’s proven that time and time again—as has Neal.

Sometimes, Reese wondered if Neal was playing some kind of mind game with Peter. He didn’t understand how someone allowed themselves to be raped multiple times throughout their life, but he never voiced that thought aloud. He’d seen Neal fall to pieces over the simplest of things only because it made him think about what he’d gone through. Then again, he’d seen the video Fowler brought into the bureau. Neal’s pain and agony in that video was entirely real.

“Peter… All I’m saying is that we have our jobs to do. You, your agents, and the bureau in general have work that needs to be done. One missing agent shouldn’t throw the whole bureau into disarray.” Peter stared at the older man in disbelief. “You know as well as I do that protocol requires—”

“Protocol also required that a superior agent not engage in a romantic relationship with an inferior agent,” Peter snapped. “You allowed me that, so why am I not allowed to continue searching for my husband?” Peter had him there. He didn’t want agents becoming intimate for this reason, but he’d made the mistake of allowing one of his best friends the opportunity. He loves seeing Peter happy, but this was beginning to be too much. “My three children are sitting in my office. Nick won’t be able to see his daddy again and the twins will never get to know their daddy if I don’t bring him home.” He glanced at the wall, knowing his kids were playing on the other side. “I promised him I’d bring Neal home. Don’t make me break my promise to my son,” he whispered, simmering down minutely.

Reese and Peter shared a very long look before Reese sighed heavily. “I’ll allow you a small team,” he compromised. “The remainder of our agents needs to get back to work, Peter. We can’t all drop our duties when an agent is missing in action.”

Peter’s entire demeanor changed. He was relieved that Reese was allowing him this. All he needed was Diana and Jones. They could find Neal. Diana, now that she and Neal were on better terms, would do her best to help Peter. She dedicated herself to Peter long before Neal even came into the picture and, now that Neal is Peter’s husband, her dedication extended to him. She’s very loyal to Peter, as is Jones. Jones felt like he needed to make amends with Neal every time he was around the younger man after he’d been distracted during an op—the night Neal had been dragged into a room by three men and forced to his knees. More than a year later, he still resented himself for allowing that to happen to Neal. Peter trusted him with protecting Neal and he’d failed to do the job he was asked to carry out.

After leaving Reese’s office, Peter returned to his own office. He glanced at his son, seeing how depressed he was as he sat near the twins. He looked like he’d zoned out and he was frowning in a way that Peter hated. It made his heart ache, knowing Nicky was so upset. The Nicky he knew and loved was energetic, free, happy… The Nicky he was seeing now was the exact opposite of what he loved. He couldn’t blame Nicky for feeling this way. Hell, he’s blamed himself for Neal’s abduction for the last month. He considered cutting himself just to see how it felt when Neal had done it in the past and he’d intended on scarring Neal’s name into his skin, fearing that Neal wouldn’t come home alive because he’d failed.

Needless to say, he’d woken himself up from that moment of insecurity and uncertainty. He had a responsibility to his husband and their family. If he gave into his madness, his darkness, he would only be harming the people he loves more than he’d harm himself. He also didn’t see the point in cutting. He wouldn’t blame Neal for cutting in the past, but he didn’t see what purpose it served. He didn’t understand why Neal needed to cut himself to make himself feel better sometimes, but he was glad Neal hadn’t done it in a while. That meant they’d achieved some progress…

“What did Agent Hughes say?” Nicky whispered, looking up at Peter.

Peter startled when his son’s eyes met his own. Nicky looked so lifeless, purposeless, and dejected. “He wanted me to give up on the search for dad,” Peter answered honestly. Nicky’s eyes were filled with pain as his lips parted. “I managed to get him to allow me to continue,” he said quickly before Nicky could burst into tears of frustration. “I won’t have the resources I’ve had for the past month, but I’m allowed to work on this with a few other agents. Jones and Aunt Di will be working on this with me.” He hadn’t asked them yet, but he knew they’d comply nonetheless.

Nicky nodded slowly. “What can I do?” Peter’s brows furrowed. He didn’t understand what Nicky was asking. Nicky knows there’s nothing he can really do. “Tell me how I can help, poppa. If I can find clues that’ll lead you to dad, I want to help.”

Smiling at his son softly, he said, “Well, I guess you can look at some files with me.” Nicky’s eyes lit up with life and that warmed Peter’s heart considerably. “Everything you see in these files does not leave this building, Nick. You can’t tell Trent about them, okay?”

“I haven’t talked to Trent since before dad was taken.” Peter didn’t know that. He assumed Nicky kept in contact with Trent through text messages. If he hadn’t spoken to Trent in over a month, Peter worried that something was coming between them. Whether or not their friendship bloomed into a relationship down the road, Peter didn’t want Nicky to lose the one person he’s been able to call his best friend. “When we find dad, I’ll be able to talk to him. I don’t want to depress him about this every time I talk to him.”

Peter shut the office door and grabbed a few folders off of his desk as he whispered, “Has he tried talking to you?” He glanced at Nicky before taking a seat on the floor beside the teenager. Nicky nodded silently. “Talk to him, Nick. He’s trying to reach out and you need to make the effort to do that as well. He’s your best friend and you’re his best friend.”

“I love Trent,” Nicky whispered, looking at Peter sadly. “If I talk to him right now, all I’m going to do is complain about how it feels to not have dad with me. Do you know how selfish that is of me?” Peter was confused, wondering if Nicky was implying that he was selfish or if he was implying that Trent was selfish in some fashion. He honestly didn’t know. “Trent’s dad abused him. He didn’t leave Trent alone until that day in the courtroom when dad protected Trent and got Matthew locked up. If I tell him I’m miserable without my dad, I’m selfish.” Peter rested his hand on Nicky’s knee, listening to him intently, knowing how much this was hurting him to admit. “Trent wishes he could have his dad in his life in general—that his dad could’ve loved him. As soon as dad released him from his work release, he left. He didn’t bother to contact Trent and try to make amends with him. He left the city altogether without once acknowledging that his son might actually care about him.”

Now he understood. This just goes to show that Nicky is a sweetheart. “I see,” Peter whispered. “But maybe you should reach out to him and let him know that you understand him to an extent.” He felt like he was giving awful advice. Normally, he’d let Neal handle this. Neal was better at advising Nicky. “His father hurt him and left him. Your father was hurt and taken from you. You’ve both—hopefully temporarily—lost your fathers. You can bond over that.”

“That’s a really shitty thing to bond over,” Nicky muttered.

Peter wanted to make a comment about Nicky’s language, but he decided that that wasn’t the most important issue in their lives right now. “Yeah,” he agreed. “It is a shitty thing to bond with him over, but it’s something. If I didn’t try to understand dad’s pain when I met him and learned about the things he was put through, he and I wouldn’t be as in love and connected as we are right now.” Nicky glanced at Peter, looking at him with a shred of hope gleaming in his eyes. “If I were you, I’d want Trent,” he whispered. “Having someone your age to talk to might make things easier to deal with, Nick. I’m your father and you may not be comfortable talking to me about everything. You and Trent are closer in age and you’re going through things that hurt you both individually.”

“What pain were you in when you met dad? When you learned that he was raped?”

“Self-inflicted emotional pain,” Peter whispered. Nicky was the confused one now, so Peter expanded on that. “Before meeting dad, I pretended to be something I’m not. I had to live my life knowing I was lying to the people I loved, to the people I cared about. I knew I was gay when I was younger, but I didn’t want to disappoint my parents.” Nicky tentatively took Peter’s hand in his, squeezing the older man’s hand gently. “My secret was the fact that I’m gay. Dad’s secret was that he’d been raped by his stepfather as a teenager.” Nicky nodded, kind of understanding what Peter was trying to tell him. “I went to dad, essentially begging him to help me find a way to be open about my sexuality. He helped me come out of the closet because he was slowly falling in love with me. In return, he trusted me enough to tell me about the rape.” He wouldn’t tell Nicky that he’d practically guilted Neal into telling him… “He helped me through the emotional pain of hiding who I really am and I helped him through the emotional and psychological pain of feeling like he was worthless, like he didn’t deserve life or happiness.”

Nicky blinked quickly and Peter smiled sadly at him. That was one of the signs that Neal was going to cry. Evidently, it was one of Nicky’s as well. “You saved him from himself.”

Peter nodded. “I’m not going to say that I impacted him tremendously. I’m not that egocentric. I’ll admit that I impacted him in ways that helped him, but I did that by loving him the way he deserves to be loved.” Leaning over to kiss Nicky’s temple, he whispered, “Talk to Trent. You may not be going through the same kind of pain, but it’s pain nonetheless. Be each other’s support.” Nicky nodded and allowed himself to cry a little. “It worked for me and dad. I know it can work between you and Trent, but you need to trust him.”

Peter hoped that this would honestly help Nicky in the long run. Until Neal was home, Nicky needed all of the support he could gather. Evidently, having his family wasn’t enough. Peter understood that and he knew Neal would understand as well. That was partly why he’d encouraged Nicky to open up to Trent.

Nicky needed Trent in the way that Neal needed Peter. It was a little different now though. Nicky needed Trent for support and Neal needed Peter to come to his rescue.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things become a little complicated...

Rachel watched him. She watched him like a hawk because she didn’t believe for one second that Neal had suddenly lost his memory. She knew he had to be messing with her, but he was doing a damn good job at it. It’d been a month and he hadn’t tried to escape. She’d let him roam freely in the old building she’d holed them up in and he stayed without being threatened.

He looked a little nervous, afraid even, but he hadn’t disobeyed her since the day he’d passed out while she abused her power to shock him using electricity connected to the table. He’d spent one full month resisting everything, talking back, getting beaten… He’d woken up later in the evening that one day and he was terrified until she came in. He had so many questions for her and she just stared at him before having Boothe beat him senseless.

Since then, she’d learned that Neal may have brain damage as a result of the electric shocks. She hadn’t anticipated that, but she also hadn’t intended to torture him to this point. She didn’t even realize it was possible to do this to him, but she liked his submissive side. He believed her lies because he didn’t have anything else to go off of. There hadn’t even been one mention of Peter in the last month and she found that very strange considering he wanted to defy her by talking about his husband.

After spending two weeks with him, listening to him question her repeatedly, looking for answers, she decided that she could put his lack of memory to use. So now she had him in a brothel. She ran tests on him beforehand and discovered that he couldn’t impregnate her, so she figured she could at least make some money using him. Besides, she resented his body for being unable to give her a child, so she allowed others to use his body. Her golden rule was that condoms were a requirement. The men or women who wanted Neal had to provide condoms because she didn’t want Neal to acquire another STD.

Just to be sure that her demands were met, she enjoyed watching Neal and his many sexual partners. It was really interesting, watching him actually participate with each and every one of them. Clearly, he didn’t remember that he was a married gay man. He was beginning to figure out that he’s gay because he preferred male partners, but he didn’t know who he was and he couldn’t remember Peter. As far as he was concerned, his name was ‘Whore’ and he’s married to Rachel.

“Good, my little whore,” she said as a man rocked into Neal roughly. Neal cried out quietly, but he liked it. “Make your master come.”

She was satisfied when he was able to make his partners release. The women just let it happen without a care in the world and the men tended to pull out, strip the condom, and release on his back or face. Making Neal act like an actual slave was interesting because she knew Neal wouldn’t submit to something this humiliating for her entertainment. He would have fought her back as much as he possibly could until she forced him to do as she pleased.

He’d come into the room with another man willingly. Before his sudden change, he’d been terrified by the very thought of another man having sex with him. “Oh, yeah,” the man moaned, raking his fingernails down Neal’s back. He reached up and grabbed Neal’s hair, yanking on it roughly, eliciting a quiet cry from the younger man.

Neal gasped repeatedly when the man began to pound into him harder, but it was over quickly. Before he even knew it, he was on his knees on the floor in front of the man and the man’s release ended up on Neal’s face. Neal didn’t like it all that much, but he wasn’t complaining about it. If anything, he was just happy for the attention. “I like you,” the man said, petting the crown of Neal’s head. It was such a degrading gesture, but Neal didn’t know that he’d already been humiliated and degraded like this in the past.

The man left, leaving Rachel and Neal alone in the room. He slowly crawled over to her and she used a cloth to wipe his face off once he was in the submissive stance she wanted him in. “You’re doing very well. I’m proud of you.” His eyes lit up and he actually smiled a little. It felt nice to have her compliment him instead of tell him what he did wrong or what he could have done better. She stroked the side of his face and he leaned into her hand happily. “Do you like what they’re doing to you in this room?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. He hesitated, trying to figure out if she was looking for a specific response or if he was allowed to respond how he actually feels. “Speak, whore.”

“Yes,” he whispered. “I enjoy what they’re doing to me.”

She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “You’re such a good boy.” He smiled wider, really appreciating that. “I’ve got a few other men who’re booked to see you today. How do you feel about multiple men?”

He whimpered a little. He couldn’t remember that he’d already been through that before, but he knew how it felt to have one man inside of him. That was painful in itself, so he couldn’t imagine how much pain he’d be in if multiple men came in to use him. “I’ll do anything you ask,” he said, bowing his head.

Rachel stroked his hair gently, smiling down at him even though he wasn’t looking at her. “Good. I like hearing that, sweetheart.” He immediately responded to the endearing pet name and she stroked his jaw. “I should do something special for you. You’ve been very, very good.” He didn’t say anything, hoping that she would actually do something nice for him. “We could go downstairs and buy ourselves some dinner to share in a corner away from everyone else. How does that sound?” His eyes lit up and his mouth watered at the thought of being fed something other than scraps. That’s all he’s had to eat. If she was offering to give him better food, he certainly wouldn’t turn it down. “Come on, love. Let’s go.”

She rose from where she was sitting and began to leave the room. Neal wasn’t sure if he was supposed to crawl or if he was allowed to get up. One look from her gave him the answer and he was quick to get up and catch up with her. She fixed his outfit and smiled when she was satisfied. When he wasn’t being offered to other patrons, she had his pants zipped. She didn’t see the point in a chain around his neck. He’s obedient enough to know that he can’t and shouldn’t run. He has nowhere to go because he doesn’t know who he is or where he truly belongs.

•◊•

“I can’t leave them here alone,” Peter insisted, giving Reese an exasperated look as he glanced in the direction of his office where his three children were. “I don’t trust anyone with them. I trusted the agents who came along with me and Neal and look where that got Neal.” It still broke his heart to think about his husband. It’d been two months since the last time he saw the younger man and he was afraid to tell himself that Neal may actually be dead. “I can’t let anyone watch them. They’re too important to me,” he whispered.

Reese sighed and shook his head. “I will personally watch your kids if you take Berrigan with you.” Peter hesitated, trying to think all of this through. He didn’t want to let his duties as an agent slip, but he wouldn’t let someone protect his children unless he absolutely trusted them. If Reese was offering to watch over them, he supposed he could go, but he was still reluctant to do so. “Go, Peter. You and Berrigan are my best agents. This case requires the best of the best.”

“Fine,” he whispered. “If anything happens to them…”

“Nothing will happen to your kids, Peter. I’ll sit in your office with them.”

Both men stared at each other levelly. Peter trusts Reese, but not as much as he did before. Reese kept putting thoughts into his mind, telling him that Neal is dead, that he should stop wasting his time searching for someone who’s already lost. Peter didn’t want to give up. He wanted something to come up that would inadvertently lead him to his husband. If he could find Neal, things would get better. He’d have Neal in his life again and he’d hold Neal until Neal couldn’t breathe anymore. He’d never let go of Neal if he got him back. All of these thoughts… They depressed him.

Sleeping alone—figuratively, since he’s actually shared his bed with their son—for two months has put him through hell. He wanted to believe Neal was still alive, that Neal was still capable of being saved. He never wanted to tell himself that Neal was lost to him, to their children. Admitting that it was a possibility would shatter his and their children’s hopes. Neal needs him—assuming Neal’s alive. He internally hit himself, telling himself to stop _assuming._ Neal _is_ alive and Neal _needs_ him.

“Okay,” he finally said. “I’ll get Diana and we’ll go check it out together.”

As soon as he approached Diana’s desk in the bullpen after making damn sure Reese was in the office with the kids, Diana looked up at him curiously. “Peter? Did you find something?”

She was the only one in the bureau—aside from himself—who believed Neal was still alive. Jones was beginning to doubt it and Reese gave up on Neal weeks ago. “No. Reese…wants us to investigate a hangout for criminals because it sounds like there’s been a hell of a lot of activity going on there.”

“Where exactly are we going?”

He frowned and Diana was suddenly very concerned. “It’s a brothel,” he whispered. “The same one I was in with Neal at one point. Going there is going to…hurt,” he admitted. “I’ll see the bar. I’ll see us sitting there. I’ll see him in my lap with his arms around my neck…”

Diana looked around for a moment, making sure no one else was aware of the breakdown Peter was having. He isn’t a very emotional man, but Neal made him crack. Neal was his weak point. “We’ll get in and out of there quickly. I’m sure it’ll only take a few minutes to confirm that there’s a lot of activity and then we can make a few arrests.” He nodded silently as Diana rose up from her desk. “C’mon, boss. Let’s go lock up some criminals.” He followed her silently, frowning the whole way to the elevator and down to the first floor. “Think about Neal,” she whispered. “Do this for Neal. You know what kind of people are in that brothel. Tell yourself that you’re doing this for him.”

Nodding, he whispered, “I just wish I could have him. God… I know I’ll never see him in the brothel, but I wish he’d be there so I can pull him into my arms and tell him everything’s okay—that I’m there to bring him home.”

There was an abrupt and awkward silence after that comment. Diana didn’t want to consider that Neal was holed up in a brothel. She could only imagine what those bastards were doing to Neal if he were there and she didn’t want to imagine what it was doing to him psychologically.

Peter drove them to the brothel. He was barely doing the speed limit, but Diana knew not to make a comment about it. Peter was thinking and she needed to give him that time to think. “We’re going to find him soon, Peter,” she whispered when they pulled into the parking lot a little ways away from the brothel. “I know I keep saying that, but it’s bound to happen sooner or later. He wouldn’t give in and I don’t think she’d kill him. He knows you’re looking for him, so he has all the reason in the world to push on and survive.”

“I would do anything to see him again—even if it’s just for a moment. I want to tell him I love him, kiss him, hug him…” Tears welled up in his eyes and he blinked them away, shaking his head to clear it. “Let’s do this. It’s for him—everything is for him.”

They exited the Taurus and made their way inside of the disgusting building. Before they’d even gotten inside, the scent of sex hit them like a tidal wave. It was so intense and Peter was tense and miserable since he and Neal hadn’t been intimate in two months—and counting. The smell of other people having sex made him sick. “What exactly are we looking for?” she asked quietly as they made their way through the crowds of hookers, strippers, and desperate people who can’t get laid on their own merit.

Peter glanced around cautiously, waiting for something to suddenly spring out into the open. “Anything. Drug trade, human trafficking, arms dealers… Take your pick,” he whispered in response.

“I’m seeing a lot of human trafficking.” He gave her a wry smile that quickly faded as they reached the bar. Glancing around, he wished he could find his husband. Even if it meant he’d have to pull Neal out from a wave of men, he’d do it. He’d kill any man who’d touched Neal. No one else had that right. Neal is _his._ “Boss, are you okay?”

Peter startled out of his possessive train of thought and nodded. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

Everything was smooth as far as Peter could tell. People were drinking, conversing, buying a man or woman to take upstairs into a bedroom… Yeah, this was typical brothel activity. He didn’t see anything aside from that.

“Can I get something for you?”

The woman who’d spoken to Peter looked very on edge, like she was nervous or afraid. “No, thank you,” he said quietly. “Are you all right, ma’am?”

She laughed nervously, whispering, “I’m sure you know we get a lot of sketchy figures here.” Peter nodded. “I’d call the cops, but my boss would have me shot.”

Diana watched Peter as Peter shifted his suit jacket a bit, revealing his badge. The woman looked at him, stunned. “I’m an FBI agent,” he whispered. “Tell me about the sketchy figure that’s got you so worked up.”

“There was a woman… She’s become a regular with her male pet.” Peter nodded. “She’s been bringing her pet here and men have gone up with them. Something just didn’t feel right… And she came in earlier with her pet. Immediately, at least four other men surrounded them and she led all of them up the stairway.” Peter’s stomach lurched. Whoever the ‘pet’ was… He felt awful for him. “We don’t permit more than a threesome here, sir. I don’t know if she’s involved. If she is, that makes six participants…”

Again, Peter nodded. “My partner and I will check it out. Which room are they in?”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to tell when you get up there…”

Peter didn’t acknowledge that comment. It made him sick. He wished he could help the man being forced into submission by four other men and possibly the woman who brought him here. He imagined it being Neal and it made his heart race. “Let’s go,” Peter whispered, heading towards the stairs with Diana on his heels.

“What if she was lying?”

“She didn’t seem like she was lying. She was worried…” He sighed as they climbed the stairs. Before they’d even had the chance to guess which room might be holding all of those participants, gunfire rang loud and clear in one room.

Peter and Diana whipped their guns out as women screamed in the room the gunfire was taking place in. Since he was so close to someone who’d been victimized and traumatized by sexual assaults, he didn’t hesitate to kick the door in.

This wasn’t the room the woman at the bar had been referring to, but these were clearly terrible men. Two women laid dead on the floor with blood pooling around them. Three men were there with one other woman and Diana yelled, “FBI! Drop your weapons!”

Before they realized it, they were all caught up in a gunfight. Peter and Diana were on opposing sides of the doorway, attempting to fire into the room in the hopes of hitting one of the men. Peter heard them kill the other woman and it made him want to get sick right there. He hadn’t been able to save her… “Now, what in the holy fuck—?”

Peter turned to see a man he recognized. “Oh, shit,” he whispered, knowing the man across the hall was a sniper. Evidently, he recognized Peter as well. Peter tried to arrest him about a decade ago—well before Neal came into his life. “Di, cover!”

Diana and Peter were both quick to move out of the gunfire before it began, but the shootout was getting to be too much for just the two of them. Too many lives were already taken… “Split up,” Diana suggested.

They did. He wasn’t sure that that was a wise idea, but they separated. He darted down a hallway and was quick to get into a small crevice between walls as gunfire took place in a nearby room. A man came running from that room and darted past Peter without seeing him.

Peter wondered what the hell was up with that, but decided that maybe the gunmen would all kill themselves in the end. He cautiously moved out of his hiding place and went into the room the man left and he heard shallow breathing on the other side of the bed. “FBI,” he said as he held his gun between his hands firmly.

“Please…” the voice rasped. “Help.”

Peter’s gun clattered to the floor moments later and he dashed around to the other side of the bed. “Holy shit,” he whispered hysterically. “Holy fucking shit.” Neal was lying on the floor with his hand covering his right side. “It’s okay,” he whispered, stroking Neal’s face. Neal jerked away from his touch and Peter’s brows furrowed. “It’s me,” he said sadly a moment later, shifting into a position that allowed them to make eye contact.

“Just… Please, help me…”

Carefully pulling Neal’s upper body forward, he wrapped his arm around Neal’s back. “Bend your legs.” Neal complied and Peter slid his arm beneath both of Neal’s legs. He lifted Neal and Neal’s arms instinctually wound around Peter’s neck as he breathed heavily against Peter’s shoulder. “You’ll be okay,” he whispered, trying more to convince himself than he was trying to convince Neal.

Neal made a sound of discomfort when Peter managed to squeeze them into a very small elevator car down the hall—dumb luck. He knew Neal’s legs hit the threshold and he hadn’t meant to hurt him, but he wanted to get Neal the hell out of here and to a hospital quickly. He hoped to God that Diana was calling backup—and was fortunate when he heard sirens coming closer to the building.

Waiting for the elevator to come to a halt made Peter’s heart pound. Neal was in pain and that pain was extending into him because of how sensitive he is to Neal. “Hurts,” Neal moaned.

“We’re gonna make it to a hospital,” he whispered frantically, kissing Neal’s hair. “Just relax.” As soon as he’d gotten outside, he made a mad dash—as mad as he could manage with Neal in his arms—for the Taurus. Neal was making sounds and Peter was trying to hurry before he caused Neal too much pain—before anyone saw them and took a shot at them. “Can you sit in the passenger seat?” Neal nodded as Peter fumbled for his car keys. “Good.” He finally unlocked the door and lowered himself enough to slide Neal into the seat. “Buckle up.”

Darting around the nose of the car, Peter was quick to get in on the driver’s side just as Neal was buckling himself in. “Thank you,” Neal whispered, leaning his head back against the headrest. His eyes were closed and his hand was still over his right side. Peter could see the blood seeping between Neal’s fingers, so he tried to speed up the process.

He went over the speed limit as he tried his damnedest to make it to the hospital. Neal was in the car with him. Something was strange… Neal didn’t even acknowledge him the way Peter hoped he would, but he figured Neal was probably involved with the man who shot him, so he didn’t really register much at the moment. He hoped that was all it was…

Glancing over at his husband, Neal’s head was drooping forward. Peter’s eyes widened and he reached over, stroking Neal’s hair. “Stay awake, baby. Stay awake. We’re almost there. I promise.”

•◊•

Beeps were sounding rhythmically in his subconscious and he felt so strange… There was a source of warmth beside him and it made him think of Rachel. She’d let him sleep with her when he proved to be a ‘very good boy.’ He twisted towards that warmth as best he could, but he couldn’t open his eyes. “Are you awake?”

Startled, his eyes finally opened and he found himself face to face with a man he didn’t recognize. He was terrified almost immediately. Whoever he was, he was lying beside Neal on the bed and Neal didn’t want him that close. “Get away from me!”

He tried to move, but the man sat up and rested a hand on his chest, hushing him gently, looking beyond concerned. “It’s me. Baby, it’s just me.”

Neal froze. _That voice._ It sounded like the one he’d heard in his dream. The voice promised him he’d be okay and he could vaguely see the face belonging to that voice. The more aware he became of his surroundings and of the man in front of him, he recognized him from that dream. “Are you an angel?” he whispered.

Peter looked slightly amused as he whispered, “You’ve called me that before.” Neal’s brows furrowed. He’d never seen this man before he’d had his dream. How could he have possibly called him an angel if he didn’t know who he was? “What’s on your mind?”

“Who are you?” he asked bluntly.

“Honey,” he said, laughing lightly. “It’s Peter.” Neal didn’t respond to that. The name didn’t sound familiar to him at all. “Baby, that’s not funny.”

Neal looked away from him and Peter stared at him in surprise. He was expecting Neal to laugh—or, at the very least, cry. To receive a lack of response like this… It felt so much like a rejection. “I don’t know who you are.” Peter stared at his husband incredulously, reaching over to gently grip Neal’s chin, guiding his face until they were looking straight into each other’s eyes.

Peter gasped when he saw nothingness in those eyes. The love, the affection, the happiness that had been in Neal’s eyes was gone. “Honey…”

“You keep calling me that,” Neal whispered. “Why?”

“Are you messing around?” Neal shook his head. “Neal, this isn’t funny. Knock it off.”

Neal’s brows furrowed again. “That’s not my name.” Peter gaped at him and rage surged through him when Neal said, “My name is Whore. She told me that.”

“Rachel?” Peter growled. Neal nodded, seeming slightly intimidated by Peter. “Did she do this to you?”

“Do _what?_ ”

Peter slid off of the bed and Neal watched him put distance between them. “Your name is Neal—Neal George Burke.” Neal didn’t respond to the name. It meant absolutely nothing to him at the moment. “Neal, you’re my… You’re my husband.” Neal’s eyes widened and Peter was quick to add, “We’ve been married for nearly four years. We’re celebrating our fourth year in August. On that same day, we’ll have been together for six years.” Neal shook his head and Peter lifted his own left hand, showing Neal his ring. “Look at yours. They match, Neal.”

Neal lifted his left hand and compared the rings on their fingers. “That’s not possible. I-I… I’m Rachel’s husband. She—”

“You are _my_ husband,” Peter snapped. Neal shifted on the bed, trying to get away even though he couldn’t move very much. His side hurt horribly… Peter simmered down when he realized he’d scared Neal. “Hon, I’m being honest with you. Rachel isn’t your wife. You’re not even into women, Neal.” Neal kept his eyes on Peter’s ring and Peter noticed. “I can prove it to you. Look.”

Peter fumbled for his phone and unlocked it, immediately turning it to show Neal the picture on his lockscreen. Neal was smiling at him, bare-chested with bed-head. Peter opened up his photo gallery and showed Neal selfies he’d taken with Neal. Neal just stared at the pictures, both horrified and awed at the same time. These pictures looked so real. Peter couldn’t have created them while he was unconscious. There was no way. “Stop,” he whispered brokenly, shoving Peter’s hand away. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked away from Peter entirely. “I don’t understand. Rachel told me I’m married to her and you’re telling me that I’m married to you.”

The older man rested his hand on Neal’s abdomen, whispering, “She abducted you, Neal.”

That struck something with Neal. He looked up at Peter and asked, “Is that why I woke up in chains?” Peter looked like he was in agony after Neal asked the question. “You… You said your name is Peter, right?” Peter nodded, blinking back tears of his own now. “Peter, I don’t understand. She…told me she loves me. She told me that I love her.”

“She’s a psychopath,” Peter said tightly, gritting his teeth. “I don’t know what she did to you, but you need to believe me, Neal.”

“How could she love me if she let that man beat me until I cried?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Beat you?” Peter asked incredulously. “Neal, she doesn’t love you the way I love you. She’s obsessed with you, but I’m so desperately head-over-heels in love with you.”

Neal whispered, “Prove it.”

Peter didn’t know how Neal expected him to do that, but he nodded. “I can detail your body because I know it so intimately. I’ve kissed your scars. I’ve massaged your shoulders and eventually kissed my way along the scar on your back.” Neal’s eyes widened. He didn’t understand how Peter knew this. He couldn’t recall having sex with Peter. He would’ve remembered a voice as sweet as his. “Your thigh… The name Craig is etched into your skin. You have bullet wounds on your—”

“How can I not remember you? How do you know about my scars?”

Peter gave him a sad smile as he tentatively reached forward to stroke Neal’s hair. Having been distracted earlier, he didn’t notice that Neal’s hair had been dyed and cut. His hair had a reddish tint to it and wasn’t as fluffy as it was before. He’d seen Neal’s face and heard Neal’s voice and that was enough for him to spring into action. “You’re my husband,” he whispered. “I love you so dearly. I’ve always tried to make you feel better about yourself. Kissing your scars has been no exception to that. I love kissing your skin, Neal, and I know you like when my lips move on your body.”

Neal shuddered and that concerned Peter. Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes as he tried to wrap his head around what Peter was saying. He wasn’t sure if he should believe Peter or not. “I don’t know anything about you. I don’t know anything about who I am,” he whispered brokenly, shutting his eyes tightly.

The older man hushed him gently, stroking his hair and wiping his tears away alternatively. “It’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out together, Neal. I promise.” Neal shook his head and Peter insisted, “We will. I’ve always been here for you, Neal. I’m going to help you through this, but you need to let me, okay?”

It took a few moments before Neal opened his eyes and nodded. “I want to understand,” he whispered. “What happened to me? Why can’t I remember you?”

“I don’t know,” Peter admitted. “I don’t know what she did to you.” He kept stroking Neal’s hair and that was slowly beginning to calm the younger man considerably. He smiled at Neal softly, whispering, “We’re going to get through this. We always get through things together. I’m not going to stop until I have all of the answers.”

Neal stared up at Peter, wishing he could remember _something._ Even a brief glimpse of a memory would alleviate his tension. He wanted to understand something, to know if Peter was lying to him or not. He couldn’t think of a reason for Peter to lie to him though. Peter brought him to the hospital. He’d gathered that when he put two and two together. The voice, his face… He’d come into the room and helped him.

At first, he wasn’t so sure that the other man would help him, but he pleaded for help anyway. He’d been in agonizing pain after Rachel left him and that man alone. Rachel promised she’d come back soon, but she didn’t return. He’d been shot when he refused to lie on the bed for the man. He requested that Rachel be present for the session, but the man wasn’t willing to wait. He’d tried to force Neal onto the bed and Neal resisted. He didn’t want to disobey Rachel—and she wanted to watch him get fucked by every man who took an interest in him.

“Peter…” he whispered, shutting his eyes tightly again.

Perching himself on the side of the hospital bed, Peter gently carded his fingers through Neal’s hair, stroking the side of his face simultaneously. “Relax. It’s going to be okay, Neal.”

He tried to relax, but it was so hard to do. Something told him that Peter was trustworthy, but he wanted Rachel. She’d told him that he’d hit his head or something of that nature and he believed that was why he couldn’t remember things. She’d given him stories whenever he asked and he believed them without further question.

Upon meeting Peter, all of his questions were brought back to the forefront again. He wanted to know who this man was, why he claimed that they were married, and he, above all else, wanted to know who he is. Peter kept calling him ‘Neal,’ but he’d grown accustomed to being called a whore by Rachel as well as the other men and women he’d been with.

His brain hurt when he tried to think about what all of this meant and he tried to fall asleep while Peter stroked his hair and hummed quietly. Peter was such a soothing presence. That _had_ to mean something…

Before he’d been able to fall asleep entirely, Peter’s hand moved away and Peter sighed, sliding off of the bed. Neal’s eyes flew open and he, despite how much he regretted it a moment later, lurched forward and grabbed Peter’s hand. Peter looked surprised, not having realized Neal was still awake. “Will you stay?” he whispered. Peter was confused, wondering why Neal wanted him to stay when he clearly didn’t have any memories about him or about their relationship. “You... You make me feel…” He swallowed hard as Peter’s eyes stayed on him entirely. He felt like he should be nervous or afraid, but he _wasn’t._ “You make me feel safe,” he finally admitted. “I don’t know why, but you do.”

Peter smiled sadly and nodded, taking a seat on the hospital bed. “I’ll stay.” Mozzie and Michael were with the kids. He’d called Mozzie to let him know that he’d found Neal. He informed the other man that Neal was stable, but he was unconscious in the hospital and Mozzie told Peter to stay with Neal, subsequently offering his babysitting services. “Go to sleep, beautiful,” he whispered.

Neal relaxed, shifting tentatively. He rested his head on Peter’s lap and was relieved when Peter allowed him to stay in such close proximity. Peter resumed stroking Neal’s hair, watching the man he loves struggle. He knew Neal wasn’t messing around. After two months of separation, Neal would have acted differently if he actually remembered Peter.

Seeing his husband so…purposeless and lifeless terrified him. What if Neal never remembered what they had? What if Neal never remembered who he is?

And more importantly than that, what if he never remembered his _family?_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finds it very difficult to talk to Neal about some things.

Neal watched Peter speak to some woman on the other side of the room. She was so beautiful, but she looked so sad and upset. He didn’t understand why, but he felt like it had to do with him. She kept looking at him and it made him uncomfortable. If she wanted to say something to him, he wished she’d do it already. Everything was so damn confusing and Neal didn’t know what to make of any of this. Peter hadn’t left him—hadn’t even gone home yet—and he still had no answers to his questions. Peter showed him more pictures of the two of them.

He didn’t know that Peter was afraid to show Neal pictures of their kids. Peter wanted to figure out what happened to his husband and hopefully repair their relationship in some fashion before bringing their children into the matter. Knowing that he and Peter are married and obviously very close overwhelmed him. Peter couldn’t even begin to imagine what would happen to him when he finally learned that they have three children.

Finally, the pair neared Neal’s hospital bed. His eyes were glued to Peter. Peter was familiar now. Peter would keep him safe. “Neal, this is Elizabeth. She’s a very close friend of ours.”

“Hi, sweetie,” she said softly, smiling at him in a way Neal hadn’t seen before. She looked like she loved him, but she definitely wasn’t looking at him the way Peter’s been looking at him. Peter looked so sad, but he tried to find something that he was afraid wasn’t there anymore. “I’m glad you’re safe,” she added, leaning over the rail to kiss his forehead.

He, strangely, felt comfortable with her, too. “Hi,” Neal whispered.

Peter rested his hand on the side rail when El moved back. “How do you feel?”

Neal shrugged, glancing up at Peter’s face. Peter just gave him a small smile, wishing he could fix this. “I’m okay. Peter’s been with me.” Neal tentatively slid his hand across the hospital bed and El noticed. He wanted to touch Peter’s hand, but he was afraid to. He felt something when he looked at the older man, but he didn’t know what that something was. Just as he was about to lift his hand to touch Peter’s, Peter’s phone went off. Peter quickly excused himself and stepped out, leaving a very disappointed Neal with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth took a seat on the bed and rested her hand on his leg. “Sweetheart?”

“What can you tell me about him?” he asked, nodding towards the doorway Peter had gone through.

She smiled and rubbed his leg. “He’s a very good man. He loves you so much, Neal, and I think you know that.” Neal nodded slowly, watching her face. “Peter loves you. Ever since Rebe—Rachel took you, he hasn’t given up on finding you. He knew you were still alive and he wanted to find you so badly.”

Neal gave her a look of confusion, asking, “How long was I gone?”

Elizabeth didn’t know if she should answer him or leave that to his husband. Fortunately, she didn’t have to make the decision. Peter came back in. “Everything okay, hon?” she asked him, misdirecting because she was nervous about the conversation. She didn’t know what she could or couldn’t tell Neal.

“All good,” he said quietly. “Diana had a few questions for me about the…building.” He bit his lip as he glanced at Neal. He felt like he would hurt Neal by bringing it up, but then he remembered that Neal didn’t know he’d been raped multiple times in the past. Hell, Peter counted everything that had been done to Neal in the brothel as rape because Neal wasn’t consenting. Something happened to him, so he wasn’t in his right mind. He didn’t have a choice in the matter because Rachel abused her power over him and the fact that he’d lost his memories somehow. He would find the answers—he wouldn’t stop until he did.

“What could she have possibly had to ask you about?” El asked curiously. “It’s a brothel. Everyone knows what happens in brothels, Peter.” Peter nodded towards Neal in a not-so-subtle manner, which flustered Neal immediately. He didn’t want to be treated like someone who couldn’t deal with something.

“Can Peter and I have a minute?” he asked, trying to be polite even though he was really upset. He could handle this and he liked having Peter in the room with him, but he didn’t want Peter trying to make him feel like he needs to be protected. Neal wasn’t afraid. He was on edge without Rachel telling him what to do, but he trusts Peter for whatever reason. Elizabeth left the two men alone and Peter looked concerned immediately, which cut Neal deeper. “Do I look like I have some emotional problems with this?” he bit out. Peter looked a little surprised by Neal’s attitude. “I’m very capable of handling this. You can talk about it in front of me.”

“Sweetheart…”

“I’m serious. I don’t know why you feel like you need to shield me from this. I know I had sex with other men and women. I’m not an idiot. I went into that room and knew that man was an arms dealer. He and his buddies wanted a round. I was going to let them have one. She—”

Peter interjected, “You should save this for the police when they come to take your statement and ask you a few questions.” Neal glared and rolled onto his better side, ignoring Peter. He was still so damn confused. Peter claimed they’re married and now he doesn’t even want to talk to him about what happened. “Neal? What’s wrong, honey?”

Neal whispered, “Go away.” He didn’t feel the emotional connection he used to have with Peter. He didn’t really register that he was hurting Peter, but he figured Peter didn’t know he was hurting him either. The fact that Peter stayed after Neal told him to leave set him off. “If you’re going to treat me like a child, get out.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter whispered, sounding sincerely apologetic. He stepped closer to Neal and tentatively rested his hand on Neal’s arm. “You’re not a child, Neal, and I’m sorry if you think I consider you one…”

The younger man sighed and whispered, “If you want to divorce me, you can.” Peter’s heart snapped in half as shock crossed his features. “I can’t see myself leaving a mental facility of some sort. You think I’m crazy because I can’t remember my life, so you’ll call the shrinks and they’ll lock me up so I don’t make everyone else’s lives—”

“I would _never_ consider divorcing you,” Peter said fiercely as tears welled up in his eyes. He rubbed Neal’s arm and Neal turned a bit, just enough to look up at Peter. “I’ve been with you through so much. We can make it through everything as long as we have each other.” Neal didn’t know why Peter wanted to keep trying. Peter saved him a few days ago, but he always looked miserable and dejected. He leaned forward and kissed Neal’s temple gently. “I’m so in love with you. The last thing I want to do is let you go. You might not know who I am or who you are, but we’ll work through this.” Neal blinked back tears. Seeing Peter so vulnerable hurt him and he didn’t even understand why. “I don’t want to live my life without you in it, Neal. I’ve always wanted you. I’ve loved you since I met you…”

“What makes me so special?”

Peter laughed a sad, watery laugh. “Everything. You’re so sweet, so loving. You’re a beautiful man inside and out. Neal, you’ve been the light of my life since the day we met. Your eyes drew me to you,” he whispered. “I love the way you kiss me, the way you hug me, the way you snore so softly while you’re sleeping.” He shook his head and shut his eyes tightly, setting his jaw firmly. “Even if you never regain your memories about yourself, us, or our life, I hope you’ll stay with me, Neal. I…would be lost without you, but I don’t want to make you unhappy.”

“Are you really willing to stay with me like this?”

Neal’s questions were very specific. He didn’t know what Peter would do without him nor was he aware of the lengths they’d go to in order to stay together. Right now, Peter was the only one who knew about Neal—within their family, that is. Mozzie knew, but Peter made him swear that he wouldn’t tell Nicky. The last thing Nicky needed was to know his father was back, but…wasn’t. “Yes,” Peter finally said. “I’ve been at your side through so much that you can’t remember. I didn’t leave you then and I won’t leave you now.”

The younger man’s brows furrowed. “Peter, you keep saying things like that. What exactly are you talking about? What things have we gone through together?” Peter glanced away and Neal frowned. “You want me to trust you, right?” Peter nodded without looking at his husband. “You need to tell me about myself. Maybe… Maybe it’ll bring back some memories. I don’t know how this whole thing works, but I want you to talk to me about myself—about us.”

“Well, what do you want to know?” Peter whispered, finally returning his gaze to the younger man’s face.

“Why are there scars all over my body?” Peter hesitated. He didn’t know if he should answer that honestly or not. He didn’t think he was capable of lying to Neal about this even if Neal didn’t know whether or not he was telling the truth. “What happened to me? Whatever it is, you’re uncomfortable talking about it. Was I abused by someone you know—or you?”

“It’s…a sensitive topic,” Peter whispered. “Neal, I don’t know if you actually want to know what happened to you before.” Neal looked confused, wondering why Peter didn’t want him to know. “I didn’t abuse you. I’ve never done anything like that to you, honey. I don’t think I could bear the thought of even slapping you, let alone beating the shit out of you.”

Neal nodded slowly. “Just…tell me. I want to know.”

Peter could see the fear in Neal’s eyes as he wondered what could have possibly happened to make Peter act like this. “You’ve been raped in the past,” he said sadly, shutting his eyes. “A lot.” Neal didn’t know how to react to that. Considering he’d just spent weeks serving masters and mistresses in a brothel, he didn’t know which was worse. “That name on your thigh… He’s the monster who hurt you the most.”

When quiet sobs erupted from the older man, Neal sat up a bit. He instinctually took Peter’s hand in his and stared at him concernedly. “Peter, what’s wrong?”

“Everything,” Peter said miserably. “I let them rape you. I let her kidnap you. Now look at what I’ve done to you.” Neal was utterly lost, trying to figure out what Peter was talking about because he had no clue. He didn’t think Peter was responsible for…whatever happened. “I fucking deserved this.”

Neal was startled by the sudden change in the other man. Peter tried to pull away from him and Neal pulled him closer until Peter finally gave in. He sat down on the hospital bed and leaned against Neal, sniffling as he continued to cry. Neal didn’t know what to do. He wished he knew why Peter was blaming himself, but he didn’t have the heart to ask him to explain. That would probably only frustrate Peter more and that was the last thing Neal wanted to do. “I’m here for you,” he whispered, feeling pathetic. He didn’t think he could do anything to alleviate Peter’s pain. Emotional pain is harder to overcome than physical pain. He’d overcome the beatings he’d received from Boothe, but he couldn’t imagine how Peter was feeling emotionally.

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal’s abdomen and readjusted only when Neal made a sound of discomfort. He realized that he’d unintentionally hurt Neal’s side, so he quickly righted that wrong. “I love you, Neal,” he whispered. “You don’t have to say it back. I just want you to know that I’m still so in love with you.” Neal felt something towards the other man, but he was still so confused.

“I…want…”

Neal trailed off and Peter didn’t push him to continue the thought. He knew Neal would want to please him. That’s how Neal’s always been. “Don’t,” he whispered. “If you don’t feel anything, don’t say it.”

Without knowing what to really say, Neal asked, “Do you think it’s possible to start over? Our relationship? I mean, we’re married and all, but… Could we see if something happens between us?”

Peter wanted to scream that he’d love that, but he wasn’t sure. The last thing he wanted to do was guilt Neal into believing he’s in love. “If something happens, it’ll happen. Don’t force the issue,” he whispered. “I’ll always love you, so don’t even worry about that.” He just hoped to God that he and Neal could fall in love all over again. He didn’t want to lose his husband—didn’t want their children to lose their daddy.

“We’ll just take it slowly then,” Neal said. Peter straightened up and looked into Neal’s eyes, seeing the same glimmer of hope and fear that he’d seen when they first met. “If I don’t feel anything for you, I won’t lead you on,” he added. “I don’t like seeing you…in pain. I don’t want to be the cause of your pain.”

Neal stroked Peter’s hair, wishing he could fix all of this. He didn’t know how it happened to begin with, but seeing Peter cry hit him hard. “You’re in my life again,” Peter said sadly. “Even if you don’t love me like you did before, at least I know you’re okay. I know you’re alive a-and…”

“I want to fall in love with you,” Neal said sincerely without thinking about it beforehand. “I can see some reasons why I did the first time. I want to try again, but I… I need to figure out some things. I need answers before I can even consider myself ready to be romantically involved with you, assuming I’m even capable of true love now.”

Peter laughed, which ultimately sounded like a sob. “You can do whatever you want and I’ll be here to support you every step of the way,” he whispered, “because that’s what true love is. I’m letting you have the life you want, but I’m not distancing myself from you to the point where you don’t even know I’m here anymore—that you don’t even take me into consideration.” He wanted to tell Neal that he couldn’t even bear the thought of Neal falling in love with someone else. Not only would it destroy him, but it would destroy their family. Peter could never fall in love with another man even if Neal left him.

Neal is everything he’s ever wanted and everything he’ll always want. Peter was worried about what this could potentially do to their kids—Nicky especially. He couldn’t even imagine how hard that would be on the teenager. If Neal couldn’t love Peter as he’d loved him before, who’s to say that he’d be able to see their children without regretting the fact that he’d broken Peter’s heart?

Shuddering against Neal, Peter held onto the younger man tighter. “I’ll try,” Neal promised. “I won’t force myself to love you. I’ll… We can fall in love again.” For whatever reason, he told himself that he and Peter were meant to be together. It made no sense, silently claiming that he and Peter would last forever. He barely knew a damn thing about Peter—let alone himself. How could he possibly manage to fall in love with Peter when he had so many questions that Peter couldn’t or wouldn’t answer?

“No matter what,” Peter said as he sniffled a bit, “I will always love you, baby. No matter what.” He kissed Neal’s chest and breathed shakily, whispering, “I love you with all of my heart. If I could fix this, I would, Neal. I want you to be happy, to feel safe and comfortable with me…”

Neal hoped they could return to that point together. He didn’t want to leave either of them alone and miserable. Peter didn’t seem like he’d get over the loss if Neal chose another man over him and Neal wasn’t so sure that he would be interested in a relationship with anyone aside from the man who claimed to be his husband. Obviously, they were together and very happy after a little over half a decade. If they’d managed to stay as intensely in love as Peter has indicated, there may still be some hope for them yet.

•◊•

“Are you taking me to our home?”

Peter frowned. “Not yet.” Neal gave him a curious look, wondering where Peter was taking him if not their place. “You and I need to sit down together and talk about some things before I can attempt to take you home with me.” Neal nodded slowly. “I’m taking us someplace special—so we can talk in private.” Neal was silent for the duration of the ride. He was just glad to be out of the hospital, so he didn’t entirely care where Peter took him. Peter brought him comfortable clothes that he absolutely loved without lying through his teeth. He’d even seen the look on Peter’s face when he stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, thrilled with the way he looked. Peter smiled at him—a sad, hopeful smile.

They arrived at a beach and Neal wondered why this place was considered special. It was just a beach with a little beach house nearby. “What’s special about this?”

“I’ll tell you,” Peter said quietly. “Just come with me, okay?” They both exited the vehicle and met at the nose of the car. Tentatively, Peter attempted to take Neal’s hand in his, but he stopped. Neal, however, after spending several days with Peter off and on in the hospital, was becoming both attached and attracted to Peter, so he intertwined their fingers without asking for permission. Peter led him towards the beach house and they paused a short distance from it. “This was our honeymoon location,” he said softly, glancing at Neal when Neal met his gaze. “We spent a couple days here together and it was really nice. Spending time with you is always nice.” He smiled faintly when he said, “I brought you here for your most recent birthday and it was such a beautiful night. We watched the sunset together, but I was actually watching the sun set on your beautiful face…”

Peter walked them a little ways away from the beach house and Neal kept his eyes on Peter, seeing how sad he was. “We made a lot of good memories together, didn’t we?” he asked, feeling like an idiot a moment later.

“We did,” Peter said softly, smiling sadly at him while they continued to walk along the beach. “You’re my sunshine, Neal. We have a lot of good memories.”

They eventually stopped walking and took a seat in the sand. Neal kept looking at Peter, wishing he could read the older man’s mind in that moment. “There’s something you aren’t telling me—something that’s really bothering you.”

Peter chuckled, shaking his head. “You may have lost your memory, but you’re still a perceptive, intelligent man.” Neal knew that was a misdirect and he wanted Peter to tell him whatever it was. “Neal, I don’t know how you’ll feel about this now, but I… There is something I need to tell you. It kind of has to do with us, but…” Neal nodded, silently encouraging him to speak. “We have three children together—two sons and a daughter.”

Peter glanced at Neal warily after saying that and he was surprised by how excited and happy Neal looked. “We have kids? Can I meet them?” He sounded so giddy and Peter hated the fact that he’d need to explain this to Neal a little more… “I really want to meet them. How old are they?”

“Our oldest is fifteen and the two younger ones are twins. We just celebrated their first birthday not too long ago.” Neal looked like he could just bounce off of all the walls in the Empire State Building. “You need to listen to me though. I…can’t take you to see them right now.” Neal’s face dropped immediately and he looked so hurt and upset now. “It’s not that I don’t want you to see them. It’s… It’s our son, Neal. He’s your biological son.” Neal wondered why his own son wouldn’t want to see him then. Had he been a bad father? “His name’s Nicky and you two went through something very traumatic together, which isn’t something I’d like to discuss right now—before you ask questions. He misses you so much, Neal, so don’t tell yourself he hates you or anything like that. I just…don’t know if you should meet him yet.”

“Because I don’t remember him either?” Peter nodded slowly. “I want to see my son—my children. Does he even know I’m okay? That I’m alive?”

Peter shook his head. “I haven’t told him yet. I need to talk to him about this before I can bring you home. I don’t want to overwhelm either of you because I love you both so much.” Neal looked away from his husband, staring down at the sand in front of him. “I need to figure out how you lost your memory. If it can be reversed, I’ll find a way to do so. I just…don’t think it’d be a good idea for you to be around each other yet. He’s very sensitive to you, but you’re…”

“Am I a bad father?” he whispered.

Peter rested a hand on his thigh and Neal met his gaze. “You are the best daddy I’ve ever met, Neal. You gave your son so much love and happiness. He was almost nine when I met him, but you raised him so well. He’s a good kid—a very sweet, young man.” He rubbed Neal’s thigh and sighed quietly, closing his eyes. “I think he’d be crushed if his daddy doesn’t know who he is. He looks up to you and respects you so much. I don’t want to hurt either of you.”

Neal leaned against Peter, asking, “If this can’t be reversed, I’m never going home to be with you all, am I?”

“If we determine that this can’t be reversed, we’ll have to make do with that. I can’t keep you from your family forever. That certainly wouldn’t be fair to any of you.” He wrapped his arm around Neal and rubbed Neal’s arm. “I love you, Neal. I know you’ll love your children when you finally do get to meet them. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Finding out that you have a husband has been a huge surprise, I’m sure, but I think knowing that you have three children of your own who love you will be an even bigger surprise. I don’t know what that’ll do to you or to them.”

“Can I at least see a picture of them?”

Peter hesitated, but nodded, pulling his phone out. He unlocked it and Neal’s heart fluttered when he saw that the picture on Peter’s background was still of him. Peter opened the gallery up and pulled up a picture of Nicky. “This is Nick.”

“Jesus Christ. He looks exactly like me.” Peter chuckled, handing the phone to Neal. Neal stared at the picture in awe, loving the boy he didn’t know anything about. Like Peter said, he’d love their children when he’d finally meet them. Without meeting Nicky, he already loved him. “He looks so happy here.”

“He is,” Peter agreed. “Slide to the left.” Neal rubbed his thumb over the screen and slid it like Peter told him to. The next picture was of Nicky playing with the twins. “That’s our other son, Joey, and our daughter, Brie.” He watched Neal smile at the phone as Neal continued to swipe to the left, looking at all of the pictures Peter had taken. As soon as Neal came to a picture of himself and Nicky sleeping, curled up together, Neal’s eyes watered. His arm was draped over Nicky and Nicky was holding his hand while they slept. “That’s an older picture, but it was too cute to pass up. He had a nightmare and he came into our bedroom to talk to us.”

Neal rubbed his eyes and Peter knew he was going to cry. “I want to remember things like this,” Neal said, angry and sad at the same time. “I know their names, their faces, but I don’t know them. I can see pictures of myself with them, but I can’t remember any of it.” He gave the phone back to Peter and covered his face as he cried quietly. He wanted so badly to remember his kids.

Peter put the phone back into his pocket and pulled Neal close, kissing his hair. “Oh, honey…” he whispered. “It’ll be okay, Neal. I’m going to try my best to get your memory back. If we can’t, then we’re going to have to make new memories together.” Assuming Neal fell in love with him again, that is. Peter didn’t want to get his own hopes up by thinking his husband could still love him without knowing a damn thing about him. “I told you I won’t keep you from them forever. I just want to find answers for you before introducing them to you.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I lost all of my time with them. I lost fifteen years of my son’s life. I can’t remember being there when he was born. I can’t remember holding him, changing his diaper, or any of that. I can’t remember teaching him how to walk or talk.”

“Honey, don’t hurt yourself anymore,” Peter pleaded. Neal cried harder against Peter and Peter didn’t know what to do to make the younger man feel better. He knew he had to be getting home to the kids soon, but he didn’t know what to do about Neal. He’d been released from the hospital earlier in the day after spending a little over a week in the hospital getting checked up. He considered asking Mozzie to watch over Neal, but he had Mozzie watching the kids occasionally. He didn’t think it was fair… His parents were still in town and he had yet to tell them that he’d found Neal.

 _Elizabeth._ Diana and Elizabeth both know Neal’s alive. He could ask Elizabeth if she’d be willing to ‘babysit’ Neal for a little while. “I want to go home,” he whispered. “I want to see my kids. I want to stay with you.”

Peter knew he was the only one Neal really trusted at the moment. He loved that because he’d been the only one Neal trusted with a lot of things before. “I wish I—”

“Please,” Neal begged, gripping Peter’s shirt as he continued to cry. “I won’t cause chaos. I just want to go home with you.”

“Let me talk to our son. I…need to give him a heads-up at least, okay?” Neal nodded. “I’ll…take you home, but I want you to stay in the car. I need to talk to him and see if he’s okay with all of this.”

Neal sat up and stared at Peter in disbelief. “If he’s not okay with it, where am I supposed to go? I can’t go back to the hospital and I won’t be allowed into my own home. Where are you going to put me?”

“I can ask Elizabeth to take you in for a few nights.”

Peter kissed Neal’s temple and Neal nodded. “Can we go home now?”

“If you want to, I suppose.” They got up from the sand and the first thing Neal did was brush the sand off of Peter, stunning Peter with the little gesture that felt so…them. This Neal hadn’t been as touchy-feely with him lately, but he’d just taken it upon himself to brush his hand over Peter’s pants get the sand off of Peter’s ass. Peter wanted to return the favor, but Neal seemed to think he’d overstepped his boundaries with Peter, so he quickly did it himself because he didn’t want to make things awkward.

The drive home was quiet. Neal stared out of the passenger seat window while Peter drove and Peter kept throwing glances towards the younger man, trying to gauge how he was feeling. He hadn’t expected Neal to want to see their kids so quickly, but he should’ve just assumed. Neal’s always been a child-oriented man. He loves them and cares about them very deeply even if they aren’t his own.

He loved that Neal was still the same wonderful, sweet, intelligent man he’d’ been prior to all of this. Part of him worried that Neal would lose his sense of self and become someone else completely. He was just himself without his memories.

Neal wasn’t sure what to think or feel sometimes. Peter confused the hell out of him, telling him he loves him and then telling Neal not to say it in return if he didn’t feel it. Neal wasn’t sure how he felt about Peter. He didn’t feel like he was married to Peter, but he felt close to him nonetheless. His heart was confusing him so much. He wanted to love Peter, but he was afraid to. He didn’t know if that was normal or not because, as far as he was concerned, he didn’t know what real love was. Peter had explained to him that Rachel was obsessed with him and he’d needed to expand on that once Neal questioned the difference between Peter’s love for him and Rachel’s love for him.

Peter told him that Rachel wanted him to love her against his will. She wanted to be with him because he’s a sweet man. She wanted to be with him because she wanted to have children with him as it turned out. Peter explained that he simply wanted to be with Neal because Neal makes him happy. He told Neal that Neal’s a very good man and told him a few things about himself that he wished he’d been able to remember because Peter spoke about him so reverently. Peter told him that he loved Neal when their eyes met for the very first time. He differentiated obsession and love by explaining that he didn’t want Neal simply because he just had to have Neal. Rachel wanted to have Neal because he’s a beautiful, sweet man. Peter wanted to be with Neal because he wanted to share his life with someone he can love, someone who was comfortable being exactly who they are around him.

Neal hoped he could love Peter the way he’d loved Peter before. Peter’s a good man, too, and Neal knew how much this whole situation upset Peter. Peter wanted Neal’s love, but he wasn’t forcing Neal to love him. He kept giving Neal the option to find love with someone else if it made him happy, but Neal didn’t really feel compelled to look elsewhere when he had Peter in his life.

Whether or not he could love Peter without his memories, he wasn’t sure.

He reached over and took Peter’s right hand that wasn’t on the wheel. Peter glanced at him quickly and Neal smiled softly at him. The smile Peter gave him in return made butterflies flutter in his stomach. It was a very pleasant feeling, having Peter smile at him in that way. It was something he hoped he could always feel and he wanted to try to fall in love with Peter. He already likes who Peter is and he finds him attractive, so it was possible for him to love the man who’d saved him. He just hoped it wasn’t some strange hero-complex he was having. He wanted to love Peter for Peter, not for being the one to rescue him from the brothel.

It would take time as it always did, but Neal hoped that he’d love Peter as much as he’d loved Peter before all of this happened. He felt like things were already heading in that direction because he loved the way Peter looked at him, the way Peter smiled at him, and the way Peter touched him. It was all so very intimate, but he wasn’t forcing anything. That intimacy, like Peter himself, felt very comforting, very relaxing. He knew he could love Peter, that he could be happy with Peter.

He’d been treated like a sexual object in the brothel for Rachel’s entertainment as Peter had eventually felt comfortable pointing out to him. Neal hadn’t seen it like that at first, but he realized how right Peter was. After telling him how the men and women treated him, Peter told Neal right away that he was being used. When Neal explained that Rachel liked when men released on his face, Peter looked horrified, but he’d told Neal the exact same thing. She didn’t care about Neal as much once she realized he truly had nothing to offer her aside from his body.

The money he’d seen the men and women give Rachel made him realize that he wasn’t important. He wasn’t loved by her. He’d recognized how different things were when he spent time alone with Peter. Having Peter stroke his hair gently, caress his skin, and smile at him whether he was actually happy or sad proved to Neal that this is how someone should be loved.

As far as he knew, there couldn’t be anyone better for him than Peter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal meets his family.

Neal waited in the car as Peter asked him. He was nervous, wondering why it was taking Peter so long to talk to their son. He was nervous to the point where he was biting the skin off of his own lip. So when Peter opened the door and waved him in, he excitedly hopped out of the car and locked it, heading over to the doorway. “He’s…a little upset, but he wants to see you,” Peter whispered to him before letting him come into the house. He went in without knowing what to expect from his son. Upon entering the living room after Peter shut the door, Neal stared at the teenager whose eyes were downcast as he sat on the couch across the room. Peter could see that Neal was intimidated, so he whispered, “Nick,” in the hopes of initiating some kind of conversation between the two.

Nicky looked up to see his father wide-eyed and slightly afraid. Both Neal and Nicky were frozen in fear. Neal didn’t know what to do and Nicky wasn’t sure how he was supposed to treat the man who both created and raised him even though he has no recollection of it.

Tears welled up in Nicky’s eyes as he got up from the couch and darted across the room quickly, throwing his arms around Neal, resting his head against Neal’s chest. He cried as he whispered, “Hi, daddy.”

Neal couldn’t help the fact that he was getting emotional as he returned his son’s embrace. “Hi, Nick,” he said brokenly, wishing he wasn’t the reason his son was crying. Neal believed he should feel uncomfortable with the fact that he has a teenage son, but the boy loved him immensely. He could feel Nicky’s love for him. He could feel how hard Nicky’s heart was pounding, hear how grateful Nicky was while he cried even though he was upset.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Nicky murmured against Neal’s chest, sighing shakily. “I’m glad you’re alive. I missed you so much, dad.” Neal’s mouth opened as he wanted to respond, but he closed it almost immediately. He couldn’t say he missed his son because he hadn’t known he had a son until Peter told him not too long ago. Backing up a bit to look up at Neal, Nicky asked, “You can’t remember anything? Nothing at all?”

“Nick, I told you—”

“Poppa,” Nicky interjected, looking at the older man desperately before returning his gaze to his dad. “Is there anything you remember about me?”

Neal shook his head, blinking back tears. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. Nicky started crying again and Neal moved away from him, hysterically whispering, “I can’t do this. I can’t stay. I can’t watch him cry.”

“Honey, it’s okay,” Peter said, trying to get Neal to relax. The more upset either one of them became, the harder the other cried. Neal and Nicky were still so connected to each other. They shared the same pain, knowing they’d both lost something invaluable. “Baby,” Peter whispered, holding Neal close before Neal could dart out the door. “Baby, it’s okay. Calm down.” Neal held onto Peter tightly, balling up the fabric in the back of Peter’s shirt as he cried on Peter’s shoulder. Peter rubbed his back, keeping his eyes on their son. Nicky looked so miserable. It was breaking Peter’s heart to see two of the most important people in his life crying like this.

It took a while before everyone was able to settle down. Nicky sat on the couch away from where Neal and Peter were. He didn’t know what to say to his dad. “I’m sorry,” Neal whispered, looking at his son. “I wish I could be your dad.”

“You’re still my dad,” Nicky said quietly.

Neal shook his head, breathing shakily as he said, “If I were your dad, I’d remember everything. I’d remember your life—I can’t. I have no memories about you at all and I’m so sorry.” Nicky couldn’t look at Neal and that hurt Neal. He knew nothing about the teenager, but he loved Nicky so much already. It hurt to see Nicky upset because of him. “I… I’m sorry.”

The teenager didn’t say a word and Peter could see how much this was hurting Neal. “Hon, come with me really quick…”

Peter tried to stand with Neal, but Neal shrugged him off roughly before staring up at him in fear. Whenever he’d jerked around on the bed when men were fucking him, they hit him. He was afraid Peter was going to hit him, so he was frozen in his fear. Peter surprised him by backing off. He knew why Neal was afraid. He threw his hands up in an innocent gesture and kept his distance. “Can dad and I talk alone for a minute?”

Nicky and Neal both focused on Peter and Peter didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave them alone together. They were both very volatile now. Deciding that he wouldn’t go too far from them, he wandered into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. “I’m so sorry for—”

“Shut up for a minute.” Neal bit his lip, nodding silently as Nicky shifted over to sit on the couch beside him. “Listen, okay? You might not remember me, the twins, or poppa, but we all love you anyway. If you’re stuck like this, I still love you.” He took Neal’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “You’ve been my daddy since day one. That isn’t going to change.”

Neal blinked back tears as he whispered, “Was I a good dad?”

Nicky smiled faintly as he nodded. “Better than good. You spoiled the crap out of me, dad. You gave up a lot of things for me.” He squeezed Neal’s hand as he said, “You don’t remember those things, but I do. You sacrificed a lot to make me happy.”

“I want to remember,” Neal said sincerely. “I want to remember doing things for you. I want to remember the last fifteen years of your life.” Looking away from his son he said, “I want to remember how it feels to love you unconditionally.”

The teenager understood that Neal wouldn’t love him the same way he’d loved him before. He accepted that it was part of the memory loss issue, so he wasn’t holding it against Neal. He’d never do that. He didn’t think his dad was responsible for being raped or for losing his memory. “You’ll relearn it,” Nicky said, giggling quietly. “I’m easy to love. I’m just like you.” Neal’s lips parted as he refocused on his son, staring into eyes that matched his own. “We’re going to take care of you, dad. No one is going to treat you any differently.”

“Not that I’d know it,” he said, smiling weakly.

Nicky leaned against Neal and sighed. “It’ll be okay, dad. Poppa and I are going to make sure you’re taken care of and loved.” They were silent for several moments before a sudden thought came to Nicky. He sat up quickly and Neal’s brows drew together. He felt like he was at fault for Nicky’s sudden movements, but Nicky jumped off of the couch and spun around with a grin on his face. “Stay here. I’m gonna get something for you.”

Neal watched him take off and stayed where he was. In a matter of moments, Nicky returned with a canvas. “What’s that?” he asked curiously.

“I painted this for you for your birthday.” He went to sit beside Neal and showed him the painting. “This is a picture Uncle Mozzie took. It was the first time you held me after I was born.” He glanced at Neal’s face, seeing how awestruck he was. He reached forward a bit and stroked Nicky’s face in the painting. Sudden flashes of being in a hospital, hearing a child cry, and feeling as though his heart were going to explode hit him hard. He gasped and stared at the painting, wide-eyed. “Dad? Are you okay?”

Neal kept staring. He could remember that moment. He remembered smiling like that at his son. “When I held you in my arms, I called you my beautiful baby boy,” he whispered. Nicky gave his dad a curious look, wondering where that came from. “I remember telling Mozzie that I was going to be a failure beforehand. When I held you, I knew we’d be okay.”

Peter came to stand in the threshold when he’d heard Neal gasp and now he was focused on his husband, wide-eyed as well. “You…remember?”

“They took Kate out of the room.” Neither Peter nor Nicky mentioned her name prior to that, so they both knew he’d gotten something back. “Your mom. Your mom’s name was Kate.”

Nicky nodded when Neal looked at him. “How do you remember that?”

Neal shook his head. “I have no idea.” The longer he stared at the painting and the teenager’s face alternatively, the more he remembered about being in the hospital after Nicky had been born. He couldn’t help crying. He’d cried like this when he held Nicky for the first time. “I told you that I’d always keep you safe,” he whispered while he cried, his voice sounding thick. “I promised you that I’d always be right here when you needed me.” He sobbed harder as he said, “I said I’d always love you so damn much.”

Peter came into the living room with the intention of consoling his husband, but Nicky did it himself. He set the painting down on the coffee table and hugged Neal tightly, smiling as tears welled up in his own eyes. “You kept your word,” Nicky whispered.

What Peter didn’t understand was how Neal remembered the day Nicky was born after looking at the painting when he’d shown Neal multiple pictures of them and Neal remembered no part of any of that. He was hypothesizing reasons why Neal remembered that with a very minimal amount of stimulation. Was it because that painting held so much emotion and sentimentality?

It made him wonder if showing Neal pictures of their wedding day might bring that back, but he didn’t want to overwhelm him. He didn’t want to push Neal too hard to remember things. He’d accomplish that on his own as time went on. Nothing Peter did or said would speed up the process. If anything, pushing Neal to recover his lost memories quickly might do more harm than good.

Before Peter could say a word, Hannah just happened to come down the stairway. “Is that poppa of yours—” Neal and Nicky parted, looking up at the older woman. Peter hadn’t warned her that Neal wouldn’t know who she is. “Neal!” She went down the remainder of the stairs and approached Neal excitedly, but Peter grabbed her shoulder before she’d gotten too close.

“Mom, I need to talk to you before you talk to him,” he whispered.

Neal wiped his face off and whispered to Nicky, “Who’s she?”

Hannah’s eyes widened as Peter dragged her out of the living room. Nicky rested his hand on his dad’s thigh, answering him. “That’s grandma. She’s poppa’s mom.” Neal nodded, glancing at the threshold Peter and Hannah went through. “You call her your mom even though she’s your mom-in-law.” He returned his gaze to his son, looking at him curiously. “You have issues with your mom, but you love grandma.”

“Why do I have issues with my mom?”

Nicky bit his lip. “Well, she recently…died,” Nicky whispered. “Your dad wasn’t in your life when you were younger, but your mom remarried and that man—”

“Nicolas James,” Peter snapped. Nicky and Neal both startled, looking up at Peter. Nicky didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to talk about this what his dad. He just assumed it’d be okay. “Neal, this is my mom.” Hannah came out and her eyes were red with tears.

“Oh, my sweetheart,” she said as she moved towards him. He slowly rose from the couch, but not before he’d gripped Nicky’s hand tightly. She tentatively pulled Neal close for a hug and she made no move to disconnect his and Nicky’s hands. Peter explained that Neal’s memory was gone, that he may slowly regain things over time, and he warned her that Neal would probably ask her a lot of questions. He didn’t want anyone else talking to Neal about his rapes. If Neal had questions about them, Peter wanted Neal to come to him. “At least you’re safe and sound now,” she whispered near his ear.

A short while later, Neal allowed Peter to take him upstairs. He led Neal down a hallway until they came to a door. Neal wondered why Peter brought him here, only to stop a moment later. “This is the twins’ room. They’re asleep, but I figured you’d want to see them.” Neal nodded as Peter led him into the room. They stopped in front of Joey’s crib and he whispered, “This is Joey.” Neal stared into the crib with awe coloring his expression. Peter loved how Neal looked at their baby son. He’d been awed by Nicky and he was just as taken by the sight of Joey. Neal glanced at Peter and Peter smiled at him.

Neal reached into the crib and stroked Joey’s cheek gently. “Hi, Joey,” he said softly. Neal glanced at the other crib and asked, “That’s Brie?” Peter nodded, stepping back to let Neal pass. He stood over their daughter’s crib and smiled beautifully at her. “They’re beautiful, Peter,” he whispered.

Peter kept smiling at his husband. He was still saddened by the fact that Neal didn’t have any of his memories, but he’d seen something click with Neal downstairs while he was talking to Nicky. It might take a little effort to yank some of his memories to the forefront again, but they’d work it out eventually. Peter would find things that might help Neal connect better.

The younger man took his husband’s hand while he looked down at their daughter. It was so quiet, so peaceful. He wasn’t expecting arms to wrap around him—especially arms that weren’t Peter’s. He froze and Peter glanced back to see his father. “I’m Jon,” Jon whispered as he pressed a gentle kiss against Neal’s neck. “I’m Peter’s dad, son.”

Neal didn’t feel nervous around Jon. He actually leaned back against the older man and Jon smiled when Neal rested his other hand atop both of Jon’s. Jon made him feel safe. “Did mom talk to you?” Peter asked.

“Mom and Nicky boy.” He rubbed Neal’s chest and sighed quietly. “You’ll be safe here, Neal. Peter’s going to take good care of you—I promise.”

Peter watched his husband. Their hands were still connected. Neal squeezed Peter’s hand and whispered, “I know he will.” The three men headed back downstairs shortly thereafter and Nicky was sitting on the couch by himself, playing with a band on his wrist. Neal watched the teenager before letting go of Peter’s hand, crossing the room. “Can I sit with you?” he asked softly.

Nicky looked up at him before smiling and patting the seat beside him. Neal sat down and tentatively draped his arm over Nicky’s shoulders. Nicky leaned against him and whispered, “I love you, daddy.”

“I love you, too, Nicky,” Neal whispered in response. What surprised him was that he truly meant and felt it.

•◊•

“This is the master bedroom. You can use it.” Neal loved how big the bed was and it took him a few extra moments to realize that this must’ve been their bedroom—not simply the master bedroom. He looked up at Peter concernedly and Peter shook his head. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

“That’s not fair,” Neal whispered. “This… This is your bedroom—our bedroom. I can’t kick you out of it.”

“I can’t sleep with you.” Neal’s eyes widened and he looked so broken in that moment. “I’m not going to make you love me, Neal. I’m not going to guilt you into feeling something you don’t really feel. You…need space.” Neal began to protest again and Peter interrupted him. “I love you with all of my heart and soul, but I’m not going to make you feel obligated to sleep beside me. I’m not going to make you feel like we have to have sex. I know what kind of man you are. You’ve always wanted to satisfy me in any way that you can. I refuse to let you throw yourself at me because you think it’s what I want.”

Neal frowned and whispered, “Fine.”

Peter sighed. “Your sleep clothes are on the bed already if you feel like changing into them. I’ll be down the hall if you need me, honey.” Neal knew Peter wanted to kiss him, but Peter wouldn’t go through with it. Instead, Neal hugged him quickly. It was awkward afterwards because neither of them knew what they were doing. “Good night, Neal.”

“Good night, Peter,” Neal murmured.

The older man left him alone in their bedroom after taking a pair of clothes with him. Neal didn’t like the fact that he’d just kicked Peter out of his own bedroom. While Neal was gone, Peter slept in this room. Now that he was back and not so much himself, Peter felt like he had to sleep elsewhere. Neal wouldn’t have minded if Peter wanted to share the bed. He was lost in the turmoil of his confusing feelings for Peter, but he liked being close to Peter nonetheless. He couldn’t imagine how it’d feel to actually sleep beside him like a lover would. Rachel never shared a bed with him like that. She never held him and whispered a good night to him.

Shaking his head, he cleared his thoughts of her. That woman was a liar. She’d lied directly to Neal about everything he’d questioned. He knew she was lying because Peter gave him most of the answers to his questions and provided proof. He didn’t doubt that this was his home or that this was his family. Peter’s ring, the pictures of the two of them on Peter’s phone, and the way Peter’s looked at and spoken to him has proved that they’re together—that they were happy together.

Upon meeting Nicky, he knew the boy was his son. They looked so alike, so there was no doubt in his mind that Nicky was biologically connected to him. After the brief flashback of a memory he’d had with Nicky earlier, it also proved that he’s Nicky’s father. He’d wished he’d had memories of his time with his kids and Nicky showed him a painting he’d painted for Neal. That painting, Neal figured, must have been very special to them both. For it to have the power to bring back that memory, there was something very significant about it.

He sat down on the bed and closed his eyes. All he wanted to do was regain his memories of his home, his family, his life… He wanted to be able to talk to Peter like he’d talked to him before, to sleep with him like a married couple should. He wanted his life back. Sitting in his bedroom alone made him miserable because he knew it wasn’t simply ‘his’ bedroom. He didn’t know what exactly he was feeling, but he wanted Peter. He wanted to be close to him, to be able to tell him he loves him. It scared him because he didn’t know how to love someone. He couldn’t remember loving anyone. What he’d felt for Rachel had been forced. What he felt for Peter in the past had to have been genuine if they’d gotten married and stayed together as long as they have.

A light knock on the door made him open his eyes and look up. Jon was standing in the doorway, giving him a concerned look. “You okay, son?”

“Yeah,” Neal whispered, exhaling heavily. “Peter went to sleep in another room.”

“Do you mind if I come in?” Neal shook his head and Jon entered, shutting the door quietly behind him. He took a seat on the edge of the bed beside Neal and took Neal’s right hand in his. “Peter loves you very much. He wants to be in here with you more than anything.”

“Then why won’t he sleep in here with me?” Neal asked miserably. “Is he mad at me because I’m not the man he fell in love with?”

Jon shook his head. “He’s not mad at you at all, Neal. I think he’s mad at himself more than anything for whatever reason, but he’s definitely not mad at you.” He smiled at the younger man softly, adding, “He’s doing this to protect you. The last thing he wants to do is force a relationship with you. This is his way of avoiding taking advantage of you.”

Neal bowed his head, asking, “Will I ever be able to love him the way I did before?”

“I think so,” Jon admitted immediately. “Things don’t happen overnight, Neal. You lost a considerably large amount of your life. It’ll take time to recover parts of it. He knows that and I think you do, too.” Neal nodded slowly, agreeing with Jon. “If you’re feeling something for him, try talking to him about it. Your relationship didn’t start immediately the first time. It took months before you and Peter finally got together after meeting each other.”

Neal glanced up at his father-in-law and asked, “Do I make him happy?”

Jon smiled lovingly at him. “Yes, son. You make my boy very happy. He was never this happy until the day you two got together. Not only did you give him a man to share his love with. You gave him a son as well—and you eventually became his husband.” He patted Neal’s thigh as he said, “Things will happen in time if you let them play out. Try to think about your feelings before acting on anything. If you decide that you’re truly in love with Peter, tell him. Tell him that you’re feeling these things and make sure he understands that he hasn’t forced you to feel that way.”

“Thank you,” Neal whispered. Jon kissed Neal’s temple and Neal smiled a bit. “I really appreciate that. I’m…trying to figure things out. I don’t understand a lot of what’s going on here just yet, but I know Peter will help me. I just…hope I don’t become a burden.”

Jon would’ve laughed if he didn’t know just how serious Neal was. “You’ll never be a burden in his eyes. You mean so much to him, Neal, and I know he’ll never want to let you go. I don’t think he’d turn you down if you were to approach him and ask him a question or simply talk to him about something. He loves you.”

Neal nodded. “I know he does.”

“Be patient. Things will work out.” He patted Neal’s leg again before saying, “Good night, Neal. Get some rest, kid.”

“Good night.”

Jon left him in his solitude once more and Neal pulled his legs up onto the bed, crossing them. He stared at the floor, wondering if he could somehow manage to make himself remember parts of his life. He wanted to remember things so desperately. He’d do anything to have his memories returned to him. He just didn’t know what he had to do. Remembering the day he first held Nicky had come back to him suddenly.

When he tried to force a memory, he ended up with a major migraine. It hurt like hell and he knew he needed to stop. Apparently Jon meant ‘be patient’ in more ways than one. He sighed and got up, changing into the sleep clothes Peter had laid out for him. They looked comfortable and, obviously, Peter knew what he liked. As soon as they were on, he felt very comfortable, very…at ease.

He crawled onto the bed and laid on his back in the middle, clasping his hands together on his stomach as he stared up at the ceiling. He asked himself: why did this happen to me? He didn’t know what he’d done wrong in life, but he wished he could just be…normal again.

Peter was trying very hard not to push him and he realized that. He knew Peter wanted to kiss him, hug him, touch him. Peter didn’t hide it very well when he had sudden urges and Neal tried to indulge him because it made Peter happy. Not only did it make Peter happy though. Neal felt…warm. He felt all tingly inside when he’d kiss Peter’s cheek, stroke Peter’s hair, hug Peter, or hold Peter’s hand. It was such a pleasant feeling and he really enjoyed feeling that way. For the last several weeks, he felt empty inside. He felt like he had no purpose in life. After meeting Peter, he discovered that his life does have meaning, that he does have purpose.

He has a husband and children who love him dearly. Peter and Nicky both proved to him that they loved him and he wanted nothing more than to be able to genuinely return their love. He wanted to look at them both and not have to conjure up feelings. He wanted to have the ability to walk into a room, look at either one of them, and smile instantly as his heart swelled with a tremendous amount of love.

Neal fell asleep while thinking about the ways he could fall in love with Peter, with his son. He wanted to prove to them that he loves them, but he needed to prove to himself that he loves them first.

Those pleasant thoughts didn’t follow him into his dreams though. He hadn’t had very many dreams since he’d first woken up to Rachel’s face. He was, usually, very exhausted and passed out as soon as he could. Now that his body wasn’t being overworked or overused by people who loved him only for his body, he could relax.

Unfortunately, that relaxation was temporary.

He didn’t know where he was all of a sudden, but he was in a very dirty place. It was dark and cold. “ _Clothes off, Neal._ ”

The voice startled him and he could see an older man, a man who looked like he craved Neal’s pain. Neal was slightly afraid of that man, but he heard himself speaking without his brain giving his mouth consent to do so. “ _I don’t want my son to watch this._ ” He looked down and saw his son standing beside him. Their hands were together and Nicky looked terrified. “ _He’s a kid. I don’t want him watching._ ”

The man who’d spoken before spoke again. “ _It’s not like we can take him into another room. What would you like me to do? Take him outside and shoot him?_ ” Neal felt sick inside at the very thought of allowing someone to harm his son. In this case, however, harm was such an understatement… “ _He can’t watch if he’s dead._ ”

Neal’s breathing was labored and shaky and he glanced down at the teenager hiding behind him. “ _Go into a corner. Close your eyes and cover your ears, Nicolas._ ” Nicky didn’t look like he wanted to do that. He looked as though that were the very last thing he wanted to do. Neal didn’t even know what he was agreeing to, but he had the instinct to do whatever it took to protect his son. Before Nicky moved, Neal’s eyes flickered over to another man who sneered at him as he cocked the gun he was holding. Neal’s stomach flipped and he quickly pressed his palm against Nicky’s chest and pushed him. “ _Nicky, please. I can’t protect you if you don’t listen to me._ ”

Nicky finally listened to him and let go of Neal’s hand. There were tears in his eyes as he whispered, “ _I love you, dad._ ”

Neal didn’t hesitate to say, “ _I love you._ ” He watched his son, making sure he was safe. He hadn’t been expecting the man with the gun to charge past him and go straight for Nicky. “ _No!_ ” Neal screamed in horror. The other man had a gun as well and aimed it at Neal, but Neal was too focused on his son who was screaming in terror while his arms were pulled behind his back. “ _Let go of him!_ ” Neal cried, his heart wrenching at the sight of the terror on Nicky’s face. The man who looked vicious shoved Nicky forward and Neal gasped when his son hit the floor. “ _Nicky!_ ” He started to run towards his son, but he froze when the gun was aimed at Nicky.

Neal’s eyes flew open and he gasped, twisting onto his side. He felt like he was going to be sick and his body was slick with sweat. He knew he was in bed and he figured that was either a really bad memory or just a horrible nightmare to have now that he’d met his son. He didn’t know who the other two men were, but he was terrified, so he lurched out of bed and darted down the hallway towards his son’s room, pushing the door open quickly.

He found Nicky fast asleep in the bedroom, looking completely safe and sound. His breathing was labored as he tried to relax. Nicky was safe, so everything was okay. No one was trying to kill his son.

He pulled the door nearly to a close before exhaling shakily, breathing hysterically a moment later. He didn’t know why he’d had that nightmare, but it scared the shit out of him. The very thought of someone killing his son made him want to end that someone’s life before they had the chance to make a pass at Nicky. He may not know much about his son, but he knew he’d protect the boy no matter what. It was an instinct engraved into him that he didn’t realize he had until now.

Backpedaling slowly, he considered heading back into the master bedroom, but he was too afraid. Instead, he veered off towards another room. He pushed that door open slowly and peered in, hearing quiet snoring across the room.

Neal slid into the room and quickly and quietly crossed it until he felt the end of the bed. He gently touched the bed and felt where Peter’s foot was. Once he knew where Peter was sleeping, he rounded the other side and pulled the blanket up, sliding underneath it to lie down with Peter. Peter was asleep, but he was a comforting presence nonetheless. Curling up against Peter made him feel safe and secure. He rested his head on Peter’s’ chest and shut his eyes tightly, trying to keep himself from crying. That nightmare was the most horrifying experience he’d gone through since losing his memory.

He didn’t realize he’d woken Peter up while he was trying to get comfortable, but Peter also didn’t indicate that he was awake. He laid there and held Neal, listening to his uneven breathing. Something scared him and it broke Peter’s heart to hear Neal so afraid, but it was nice to know that he was still the one Neal could run to at times like this.

Peter laid there, allowing Neal to use his body for comfort. Neal’s entire body trembled against Peter for the longest time before he finally fell asleep. Once Neal was asleep, Peter rested his hand atop the hand Neal placed on his chest. He smiled sadly into the darkness, listening to Neal snore so softly. “I love you, honey,” he whispered. It was nice to say even if Neal didn’t hear him or return those feelings.

Shifting Neal a bit so that they were both comfortable, Peter wrapped his left arm around Neal’s body and held him close while keeping his other hand atop Neal’s. He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s skin until he himself finally fell asleep to the sound of his husband’s even breathing and snoring—sounds he loved so much, sounds that relaxed him, sounds that made him feel at home. Sounds that immediately made him think: _Neal._


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal tries to get closer to Peter.

For the last week and a half since bringing Neal home, Peter kept finding Neal in the same bed with him every time he woke up. He’d been okay with it that first night because Neal admitted that he’d had a nightmare about Nicky, but every day thereafter was a little too much. He loves his husband dearly, but he didn’t want Neal to feel obligated to start a relationship simply because they’re living together and they have a family together. If Neal wanted someone better, Peter couldn’t stop him. And he kept telling himself that Neal would find someone better because that other man probably wouldn’t allow such horrible things to happen to Neal.

Peter kept blaming himself for what happened to Neal, but he knew deep down that he wasn’t at fault. He’d searched nonstop for the younger man and he wasn’t the one who fried Neal’s memories.

He was sitting alone at the dining room table, sipping at some coffee he made, when he heard Neal coming down the stairway. He knew it was Neal because his movements were slow, cautious, hesitant… “Hi, Peter,” he said softly when he came into the dining room. He immediately moved towards the table and took the seat beside Peter, staring at him lovingly with a sweet, tired smile on his face.

“We need to talk.” Peter didn’t want to wreck their morning already, but he needed to talk to Neal. They were alone for the moment, so it was perfect. He glanced at Neal and Neal’s smile vanished as he nodded. “Why do you keep coming to bed with me?”

“Because I want to,” Neal whispered. At least he was being honest. He wanted to be honest with Peter, but Peter wouldn’t see it that way. He’d feel as though he’d forced Neal to act this way. “You’re warm, you make me feel safe, and I like sleeping next to you.” Peter was silent and that hurt Neal. “Do you not want me in bed with you?”

Peter snapped, “I don’t want you in bed with me.” He didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but he’d been harsh enough to startle Neal and make him shrink into himself a bit. “You’re doing this for all the wrong reasons. I don’t want you doing this anymore.”

Neal gaped at him. “You think you know everything,” Neal said quietly, “but you really don’t. You think you’re forcing me into loving you, but you’re not, Peter. I’m doing what I’m doing because I want to.”

“No, you’re not. You feel bad for me. You know I’m pissed at myself and you’re trying to make me feel better.”

“That isn’t even close,” Neal said incredulously. “Peter, I do feel bad for you, but not in that way. I don’t pity you or anything. I feel bad because I’m not the man you want. I wish I could give him back to you. The man who has all of his memories of you and your children is the one you want.” Peter stared at him, seeing the tears in Neal’s eyes. “I don’t have all of those memories, but things are coming back slowly. I want you to give me a chance. Stop pushing me away. You’re not at fault for this nor are you making me do anything. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do.”

Peter scoffed. “Of course you’d say that.”

“Oh, can you read my mind now? Do you know what I’m thinking?” Peter gave him a saddened glance now. He didn’t like the tone of Neal’s voice, but he knew he deserved it. “No, Peter, you don’t. You can’t possibly know. Stop pretending you do and let me live my life the way I want to live it. If you don’t want to deal with me anymore, then why aren’t you filing for divorce to make your life easier?” Peter remained silent and Neal scoffed, pushing his chair back. “That’s what I thought. Why don’t you stop blaming yourself and actually believe me when I say this is what I want?”

He stood up and stormed out. “Neal,” Peter called out sadly, sighing quietly a moment later. That definitely hadn’t gone as planned. Not that any of that was really thought out. Neal was right in saying that Peter can’t read his mind. Peter shouldn’t just assume he knows this Neal.

“I take it things didn’t go very well.” Peter glanced up to see his father and he shook his head. “He looked pissed off.”

“He was pissed off,” Peter admitted.

Jon took the seat Neal had previously been sitting in and sighed at his son. “He’s trying, Peter.” Peter frowned at his father and Jon could see the pain in his son’s eyes. “I spoke to him that first night he was back. He’s come to me a few times in the last week and asked me if he’s capable of loving you. I keep telling him that he needs to think about his feelings for you and I think he has been.” He took Peter’s hand in his and squeezed it. “I think you should give him a chance, Peter. He’s talked to me like he used to when you two have had problems in the past. He’s afraid to talk to you because he thinks you’ll assume you’re the reason he’s feeling what he’s feeling.”

Peter sighed exasperatedly. “I love him to death, but I just… I can’t read him. He’s different. He’s not Neal, but I love him nonetheless. What if he never loves me like he did before?”

“Take him out someplace nice, son. Go somewhere just the two of you and talk for a while. Mom and I can handle the kids for a little while. Just spend time with your husband.” Peter shook his head, closing his eyes. He squeezed his father’s hand a little tighter and Jon understood. “He feels something for you, but you’re going to lose him if you keep pushing him away, Peter Michael. If you really love your husband, you’ll listen to him instead of doubt him.” Peter nodded, opening his tear-filled eyes. “Try to listen, Peter. He needs you to. I can’t imagine how alone he feels.” Peter gave his father a questioning look, wondering why Jon thought that. “Imagine being in his place for a few moments. He’s in a home with a family he didn’t know about. He lives here and he’s getting to know us all, but he must still feel so lost and alone deep down. Everyone knows everything about him and he knows next to nothing about us. Wouldn’t you feel alone if you didn’t know how to interact with the people around you? Especially if those people are your spouse and children?”

The younger man nodded and whispered, “I guess you’re right.” He knew Jon was right. Neal probably did feel a bit…distant. Nicky was trying to include his father in as much as he could because he wanted Neal to feel welcome and loved. Neal was having a hard time adjusting because he didn’t remember how to be a father. Peter could see Neal acting like Nicky’s best friend and he knew the real Neal didn’t want to be his son’s best friend. Neal wanted to be his son’s father and that’s how it should be. He’s supposed to be Nicky’s caregiver, provider, and the man Nicky looks up to. That’s how Neal had been prior to all of this. Peter could see how frustrated Neal was when he himself realized he wasn’t acting like a father should.

He’d watch Peter with Nicky and he’d try to mimic Peter, but he was having a hard time doing so. “He’s in the bedroom if you want to talk to him. I passed him in the hall upstairs and he bumped into me. He apologized, but I know he’s upset. You’re his husband, Peter, and I think you know you’re the one he trusts more than anyone.” Jon wasn’t blind. He could see how much Neal relied on Peter, but he could also see that Neal was trying to be independent. Neal didn’t want to be coddled. “You owe him an apology, Peter Michael Burke.”

“I know I do,” Peter whispered. “I just feel like I’m forcing him into all of this. I shouldn’t have told him about the kids. He would’ve been happy staying with El and Di for a little while if he didn’t know he has three kids of his own.” Jon gave Peter a look of death and Peter sighed.

“If you didn’t tell him, someone else would’ve and he’d probably end up being pissed off at you for withholding information.” Peter figured his father was right—again. He hated that his dad always knew what to say. “Now, you get your ass up into that bedroom and you get on your knees and apologize to that husband of yours.” Peter raised an eyebrow at the older man. “I’ll be blunt, son. You were acting like a dick. You better do your damnedest to make it up to him.”

Peter laughed lightly and nodded. He got up and rubbed his dad’s shoulder before walking out of the living room. He headed towards the stairs and went up into his and Neal’s bedroom—that they’d shared before Neal was abducted. He hadn’t shared it with Neal since Neal came back, but Neal kept coming into the guestroom to sleep with him.

After gently pushing the door open, he could hear sniffling and soft whispers. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” Nicky whispered. “Poppa loves you.”

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Neal murmured, his voice thick. “He said he doesn’t want me in bed with him. I’m trying to prove that I want to be with him, but I’m failing—failing really bad.”

Peter glanced in to see them sitting on the floor on the other side of the bed. Nicky must’ve heard Neal and gone in to check up on him. “Poppa’s trying to get used to all of this, too. It’ll get better, dad.” He watched Nicky kiss Neal’s forehead before snuggling against Neal. “He can’t love anyone as much as he loves you. You’ll see. He’ll show you that.”

Neal sighed shakily and laughed sadly. He wrapped his arms around Nicky and held the teenager close. “He was right when he said you’re a good kid,” Neal whispered. “I’m lucky that you’re my son.”

Nicky giggled and Peter smiled a bit. “I learned how to be this way because of you. You taught me to be respectful.” Nicky nuzzled his face against Neal’s neck and whispered, “You taught me how to be a good person just like you.” Neal laughed and tears slid down his cheeks again. “Don’t cry, daddy,” Nicky whispered, squeezing Neal’s torso. Neal slowly rubbed Nicky’s left arm with his right hand while his left was circled around Nicky’s back. “You’re an amazing dad and I could tell you a lot of stories about you and poppa. Not only are you a good dad, but you’re a good husband, too.”

“I wish,” Neal muttered. “I don’t know how to be your dad and I don’t think he’s going to give me the chance to prove that I want to be his husband.” He lifted his hand away from Nicky’s arm and wiped his face off, sighing. “He doesn’t trust me—I wouldn’t trust me.”

Peter couldn’t listen to this anymore. Hearing Neal say things like this… They hurt. “Nicky,” he said quietly, startling the two across the room. “Can I talk to dad?” Nicky nodded, sitting right where he was. “Alone, Nicky?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah. Okay.” Neal watched Nicky shift onto his knees and he was about to get up, but he paused. He turned and kissed Neal’s forehead again, whispering something that Peter couldn’t hear. Whatever it was, it made Neal smile appreciatively. Nicky got up and gave his poppa a small smile before leaving the room, closing the door behind him. He didn’t stay outside their bedroom door like he would have before. He loves his fathers, but they did need time to themselves and he’d know if they were okay or not later. Instead, he went to see if his brother and sister were awake yet.

“Honey, I’m sorry,” Peter said immediately. He didn’t move from where he was standing. He was too afraid to. The last thing he wanted to do was make things worse between them when he was trying to fix them. He knew he was at fault. By pushing Neal away, he was losing his husband. He felt like he’d already lost the man of his dreams, but bits and pieces of Neal’s memory were coming back every now and then, so there was still hope. Neal’s eyes were downcast and his frown made Peter’s heart ache. “I know I upset you and I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I’m fine.”

Peter shook his head, sighing. “I made you cry.” Neal frantically wiped his face off before looking up at Peter. He couldn’t help that his eyes were wet and red, but he didn’t want to look weak—like he couldn’t handle Peter’s rejection. If Peter didn’t want him, it was as simple as that and he would have to deal with it. “I’ve always hated being the reason you’re crying, but I have never blamed you for crying when I’ve hurt you. I know I really hurt you downstairs. That was an awful way to say ‘good morning.’”

“No shit,” Neal muttered.

Peter loved that Neal’s attitude was still the same. He didn’t like that Neal was upset, but he was still the same man in general. Peter moved towards Neal and asked, “Can I sit with you?” Neal shrugged and Peter took a seat beside him anyway. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“You really piss me off,” Neal admitted. “You keep doing everything you possibly can to alienate me and I’m trying so hard to get closer to you. Do you not want me? If you don’t love me anymore, I wish you’d—”

“I love you more than my life,” Peter said sincerely. “I’ve loved you for over six years, Neal. Loving you has been the best experience of my life because it brought so much happiness and light into my life. I met you, fell in love with you, fell in love with your son, married you, and started a family with you.” He took Neal’s hand in his and kissed Neal’s knuckles. “I’d never trade any of that. Nothing can be better than having a life with you, Neal.”

Neal closed his eyes and that concerned Peter. “Do I have to prove to you that I want to be with you?”

Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s hand gently and said, “No. I just want you to be sure that this is what you want. You have your whole life ahead of you. I don’t want to be the one to hold you back—or make you unhappy.” Neal leaned against Peter, holding Peter’s hand in both of his. “You’re everything to me, but I’d give up so much if it meant you were happy. Whether it’s with me or with someone else, all I want is for you to be happy.”

“I’ll be happy when you stop treating me like a child, like some mindless drone,” Neal whispered. “I have thoughts and feelings of my own. I want to see you happy, too, but that isn’t driving my feelings. You make me happy. You make me feel safe. I feel comfortable going to you about anything because you’ve proven that you’ll be there. You proved that you care.”

The older man smiled faintly as he whispered, “Then what do you say to going out to eat with me?” Neal opened his eyes and looked up at Peter, surprised. “I’ve been an ass. I owe you, Neal. I love you and I want you to know that. The way I’ve been acting says quite the opposite, but I’m willing to make it up to you if you’re willing to give me a second chance.” Neal nodded, smiling at him. He looked excited by the very idea and that made Peter’s heart pound. “Find a nice outfit that you like either in the dresser or in the closet and get as ready as you need to be. Meet me downstairs in five or ten minutes?”

Neal grinned and jumped up. He turned and held his hand out for Peter, helping the older man up from the floor. Peter liked seeing Neal this happy. It didn’t look like he was pretending either. It was really adorable—like Neal was before.

Peter left the room and went to dress himself in a nice shirt and jeans that he’d laid out for himself on his bed in the guestroom. He hadn’t intended on taking Neal out, but it was worth it if it made Neal smile again. After changing into his jeans, he decided that he was going to play things safe. They were going out in public for the first time in weeks. The outside world was still a minefield for Neal. Rachel was still out there and Peter didn’t doubt that she was keeping an eye out for Neal.

He grabbed his gun out of the nightstand and tucked it into his pants, covering it with his shirt. He’d protect Neal with everything he had. He did _not_ want Neal to end up in Rachel’s clutches again. Neal hadn’t known that there was something better out there for him than performing sexual favors for men and women who paid Rachel. That had been all he’d known when he’d woken up without his memories. He trusted Rachel and Rachel led him to believe that his body was worth a fortune, so he’d listened to her and did as she asked.

Now that Neal wasn’t with her anymore, he was a little more relaxed. He wasn’t tense, waiting for some random John or Jane to come in and fuck him. He had Peter now, but Peter wasn’t taking advantage of him either. Peter was trying to make him feel like he belonged in this life and Neal felt like he did. Peter provided an environment for Neal that Neal hadn’t expected. He never thought he’d have this life once Rachel began to direct him.

Peter shook himself out of that train of thought. Neal’s safe now. They were going out to eat together—and maybe this was their first date. It was like he was going to fall in love with Neal all over again and that was a strange thought considering they’re married. Either way, he knew he could do it again and again. Neal is an easy man to fall in love with.

This time around, he’d do everything perfectly. He’d take Neal out on dates more frequently, treat him like a king, and watch as Neal’s eyes lit up. He would earn Neal’s love and he wouldn’t take it for granted. Losing his husband hurt, but his husband was slowly coming to the surface again. Until the day when Neal could remember more, Peter would treat him the same way he’d treated him before. He just wanted to make sure Neal wasn’t pretending to be in love. If he could truly win Neal’s heart over again, that would be…phenomenal.

“How do I look?” Neal asked quietly from the doorway.

Peter spun and looked at his husband. Neal found a beautiful silk shirt and managed to match it with some nice jeans. Peter was ashamed by the fact that Neal turned him on instantly, but then he realized it was probably a good thing that Neal still had that effect on him. “You look gorgeous,” Peter admitted, smiling softly at him. Neal blushed and it was the cutest thing he’s seen in days. “You head downstairs. I’ll be right behind you, honey.”

Neal nodded and left the room, making his way downstairs excitedly. Peter loved that Neal was so excited. He hadn’t been treated to anything like this before as far as he was concerned and Peter was determined to make it special for Neal. Assuming he knows his husband and that his husband has exactly the same tastes as he had before, he knew the perfect place to go.

•◊•

Neal’s arm was locked with Peter’s as the waiter led them to their table. He was excited because he knew this was a date. He figured Peter would’ve taken him to McDonald’s or something if it weren’t. The fact that Peter went out of his way to bring him to a _French_ restaurant meant something special to Neal.

As Neal was going to take a seat, Peter beat him to it. He slid the chair out for Neal and Neal smiled lovingly at him. He took a seat and let Peter slide him forward like a perfect gentleman. It was a major turn-on for Neal. Especially when Peter chose to sit on the side closest to him rather than across from him.

The waiter left them with menus and both men observed it. Peter had no idea what the hell anything on the menu was, but Neal seemed to know what things were. “The steak tartare is good,” Neal said quietly, seeing the helpless and clueless expression on his husband’s face.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Peter said teasingly. “Do you just know what foods and drinks you like?”

“I guess I retained some things. I mean, I’m not illiterate, which is fortunate.” Peter took Neal’s right hand in his, smiling sadly at the younger man. “Right. Uh, so… I’d recommend steak tartare for you as an appetizer because the rest of this doesn’t seem like your style.” Peter raised an eyebrow. “I’ve watched you at dinner. You’re more of a meat and potatoes kinda guy, which is totally fine, but fancy food doesn’t seem like your forte.”

Peter looked amused more than anything else. The fact that he hadn’t responded to that made Neal’s face flush. He felt like he was pushing it when Peter was trying to do something nice for him, but Peter squeezed Neal’s hand and said, “You’re spot on, baby.” Neal met his gaze and returned Peter’s smile. “What’re you getting?”

“The same thing.”

Peter nodded and asked, “Wine preference, my love?”

Neal immediately said, “Red,” and Peter chuckled a bit. “What?”

“That’s exactly what you would’ve said,” he whispered. “No matter what you think, you’re still the man I love. Everything you say or do is still so…you.” Neal appreciated that more than Peter realized. He felt like he didn’t fit in because he believed he didn’t mesh with the rest of his family, but Peter was telling him that he’s exactly as he was before.

The waiter returned a few moments later to take their orders and Peter passed it along to him. When the waiter left, Neal whispered, “Does this count as a first date?”

Peter chuckled. “If you want it to, then yes.” Neal grinned and nodded. “However, I’m not so easy. We aren’t going to make it beyond first or second base tonight, darling.”

“Ah. I understand. I don’t think I’d like to take your virginity on the first date anyway.” Peter laughed and that made butterflies flutter in Neal’s stomach.

“You’re so cute,” Peter said softly.

Neal blushed heavily and Peter loved it so much. He loved how innocent Neal was. He wasn’t concerned about the fact that he’d been raped or that he’d attempted suicide and cut himself in the past. Neal didn’t know about most of the things he’d done or had done to him. He was practically carefree and Peter loved that about him. “If we do…have sex at some point…” Peter wasn’t sure if he liked where this conversation was going, but he wouldn’t stop Neal this time. He was going to take his father’s advice and listen to Neal. “Can we say I’m a virgin? You made me see that I didn’t consent to any of the people I fucked with, so…”

Peter nodded. “Sure, sweetheart. If you want to be a virgin, that’s fine.” Neal sounded so small and Peter found it very adorable. They definitely weren’t going to have sex just yet even though Peter would love to get into bed with his husband again. He knew Neal wasn’t ready for that. Besides, he wanted to build up their relationship as he’d done the first time. They didn’t need to have sex to be happy and satisfied with each other. Making love definitely had its benefits and very few drawbacks, but it wasn’t a necessity. Peter could live without it, but he did still crave it. The very thought of touching Neal’s bare skin, of hovering over Neal while kissing him, and even the thought of his body sliding against a very sweaty Neal made him hornier than hell. “Don’t worry about things like that tonight. We’re taking this one step at a time.”

“I’m okay with that,” Neal admitted.

Their meal was quiet and very peaceful. They talked quietly and Peter answered all of Neal’s questions. He wasn’t going to withhold any information. Like his father told him earlier, Neal might learn things from other people and Peter owed Neal more than that. They’re husbands after all. If Neal wanted to know something, he deserved to hear it from Peter first. That’s how things had always been between them. Peter didn’t want Neal to find out from another source. It was why he’d gone directly to Neal after discovering that Ellen had been murdered brutally. He didn’t want his husband to hear it from someone else. He wanted to be the one to comfort, console, or reassure him.

“What’re you thinking?” he asked softly when Neal had suddenly gotten very quiet. Their hands were still together, but Neal was staring straight ahead on the table.

“There’s something I want to know. Nicky started talking about it, but you interrupted him.” Peter knew what Neal was going to ask immediately and he sighed. “Nicky told me I have problems with my mom. Can you tell me why?”

Peter didn’t really think this was date-material conversation, but it was still a question Neal had and Neal wanted an answer. “She raised you as a single mother for a few years after she left your father, but she remarried.” Neal nodded and Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s skin, whispering, “The man she married was a monster. You were thirteen years old the first time he raped you.” Neal’s eyes widened and his lips parted. He didn’t realize he’d been raped when he was so young. He thought Peter meant he’d been raped quite a bit as an adult. “He threatened to kill your mom if you didn’t let him, so he kept it up for almost three years. By your sixteenth birthday, he’d hurt you and scared you enough to make you run away.” Peter felt sick when he saw the look of horror on Neal’s face. He squeezed Neal’s hand and tried to silently assure him that things were okay. “You didn’t know until a few years ago that your mother was completely aware that he was…raping you the whole time.”

“My mother let him rape me?” Neal whispered. Peter nodded silently, keeping his eyes on Neal. “Why would she do that?”

The older man lifted his hand out of Neal’s and stroked Neal’s face. “She was trying to save herself,” Peter said quietly. Neal blinked back tears and Peter knew something was wrong when Neal gasped and shut his eyes tightly, balling his hands up into fists until his knuckles were white. “Honey. Honey, what is it?”

Neal was breathing heavily as he whispered, “He told me I was a good boy. He took me…took me somewhere.” Peter’s heart cracked. He didn’t want Neal to have that memory. Now, he really wished he hadn’t brought it up at all. “Just lie still and it’ll all be over soon, Neal,” Neal whispered. “You know how to be a perfect whore.”

Peter couldn’t let Neal suffer like this. “Neal, snap out of it,” he pleaded quietly. “Baby boy, you’re safe now. You’re with Peter.” A few people around them turned to look at them and Peter knew Neal wouldn’t like the attention. “Neal, open your eyes.”

He forced his eyes open and stared at Peter blearily. “He hurt me,” Neal said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Scooting his chair closer, he let Neal lean against him. He wrapped his arm around Neal and stroked Neal’s hair with his other hand. “It’s okay,” Peter whispered. “He can’t hurt you. He’s… He’s dead.”

Neal’s breathing was shaky as he said, “I know. I killed him.” Peter’s brows furrowed as he stared at Neal. This was the most he’d seen come back to Neal in a very short period of time. Neal sat up straighter and held Peter’s hand for comfort. After attempting to even out his breathing, he said, “I’m okay. It just…surprised me.” Peter didn’t doubt that this had a major emotional connection with Neal. To be raped by the man he should have considered a father… Peter couldn’t imagine how it felt. It was like looking at his father and imagining how he’d feel if Jon took advantage of him the way Vincent took advantage of Neal.

Peter knew Jon was a much better man than that, but still. Peter tried to feel how Neal felt and it was hard to do because he hadn’t felt anything quite like it before. “I’m sorry. That was a major bombshell to drop on you so suddenly.”

The younger man shook his head and said, “No. I’m glad you were honest with me,” he whispered. “I asked you and you answered me truthfully.” Neal rubbed his temple and Peter was concerned. “My head hurts so much right now.”

“Okay, honey. No more questions or discussion about this,” Peter said softly. “Do you want to go home?”

Neal shook his head slowly. “You brought me out for a nice meal, so we’re going to have a nice meal together.” He glanced at Peter and met his gaze, staring into eyes that were full of love and concern. “I’m all right, Peter. Like I said, I was just surprised. I wasn’t expecting such a tsunami of memories.” Peter nodded, searching Neal’s eyes. “Trust me,” Neal whispered, shifting a bit. He leaned closer to Peter and wanted to kiss him, but he hesitated. He didn’t know if he was overstepping boundaries, but he really wanted to kiss Peter.

He decided to hell with it and kissed Peter. It was a slow, passionate kiss. Neal even caressed the side of Peter’s face while they kissed and their eyes slid to a close. He knew he was stronger than this. Whatever lied in the storage of his own mind, he would be able to handle it. He’d lived through so much according to Peter. If he made it through the actual experience, the memories would be just that—memories.

Peter’s free hand rested on Neal’s thigh. He hadn’t kissed Neal like this since losing him. Kissing his husband was such an exhilarating feeling that he’d definitely missed. “I’ve always trusted you,” he whispered against Neal’s lips when they needed to take a breather.

Their eyes slowly opened and they immediately stared into the other man’s eyes. “I…really like kissing you,” Neal said timidly.

Peter chuckled and smiled at him, pecking his lips gently. “Let’s finish eating and then we’ll kiss a little with some more privacy. How does that sound?”

Neal smiled in return, nodding. “I never did get to experience making out with someone in the back of a car as teenagers,” he said, figuring that was truer than he realized. “I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me, Peter.”

Kissing Neal’s lips gently for a few moments, Peter whispered, “I’m willing to give you everything.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal deals with some frustration.

Peter woke up when Neal slid into bed with him. He sighed quietly and Neal immediately whispered, “I had a nightmare.” He curled up to Peter and Peter held him close. “I’m sorry. I’m scared.”

Stroking his husband’s back, Peter kissed Neal’s forehead. “It’s okay. Do you wanna talk about it or would you like to go back to sleep?”

“Sleep, please. I’ll… We’ll talk in the morning, okay?” Peter didn’t answer him because Neal was getting comfortable, getting ready to fall asleep again. He just fanned his fingers out on Neal’s back and rubbed him slowly.

He didn’t like that some of Neal’s memories were coming back in the form of nightmares. He wondered which memory caused this, but he wouldn’t push Neal to tell him right away. He wouldn’t do that to the Neal he’d married and he wouldn’t do it to this Neal. “I’ll keep you safe,” he promised, kissing Neal’s forehead when Neal rested his hand on Peter’s hip.

It didn’t take very long for him to fall asleep again. With Neal’s body against his, he was at ease. Sleeping without Neal was hard, but Neal kept coming into his bed nonetheless. He figured he could just move himself back into their bedroom. Their bed was bigger than the bed in the guestroom. It’d be a hell of a lot more comfortable, which was certain.

And it felt like even less time passed before Peter was waking up again. Neal was either kicking him to be annoying, his leg was going through a spasm, or he was having a nightmare. As it turns out, it was the latter two—Neal wouldn’t kick him on purpose while they’re sleeping. He gently touched Neal and Neal screamed. “ _Please!_ ” he pleaded, gripping his pillow tightly, bending his legs. He kneed Peter in the gut as he thrashed around and Peter sat up quickly.

“Neal, honey,” he said, trying to pull Neal into his arms. “Baby, you’re okay. Wake up, Neal. You’re okay.” He kept crying out and Jon burst through the doorway, just as concerned as Peter was. “Neal, Neal,” he said frantically, rubbing Neal’s chest as Neal curled towards him. “Sweetheart, wake up.”

When Neal’s eyes finally opened, he was crying, gripping the front of Peter’s shirt roughly. “What can I do?” Jon asked, feeling frantic and helpless.

Peter tried to calm Neal down, hushing him gently. “Water—get him some water.” Neal’s face was against Peter’s chest and his arms were wrapped around Peter’s waist. “It’s okay, Neal. You’re safe with me.” Neal breathed shakily as he nodded against Peter and Peter stroked his hair gently. Neal was sweating and Peter honestly felt bad for him. This was probably another memory that frightened Neal. The only difference Peter noticed was that it didn’t emotionally hurt Neal when he experienced these nightmares. He was a bit shaken up, but he didn’t fall to pieces like he would’ve in the past.

Jon came back with a glass of water after a few minutes and Neal tried to take it from him, but his hands shook too much, so Peter helped him. Once Neal had enough to drink, he sighed shakily, whispering, “It was like that first nightmare I had about Nicky, but they… They were torturing me—starving me.” He looked up at Peter with tears in his eyes, asking, “Did these things really happen to me?”

“As much as I’d love to tell you they didn’t, they did,” Peter whispered. “I told you that you survived a lot, Neal. I’m sorry that you have those memories.” Peter cradled Neal like a child, but he had to keep in mind that Neal _isn’t_ a child. With or without his memories, Neal is an adult male and wanted to be treated as such. “It’s okay now though. You’re okay.”

Neal nodded silently, exhaling in what Peter assumed was relief. “Thanks, guys,” he whispered. “Sorry that I woke you up.” He sat up a little straighter and relaxed, but he kept one hand on Peter’s chest.

Jon bent enough to kiss Neal’s forehead—then Peter’s. “Don’t worry, Neal. I’m just glad you’re all right now.” Neal smiled at his father-in-law and Jon took that as his cue to leave. Neal was okay now and Peter would take care of him. “Try to get some rest, you two. It’s still too early to be up.”

He left the couple alone and Peter stroked up and down Neal’s back. “I…can go back to my own bed,” Neal said quietly. Peter’s brows furrowed. He didn’t understand why Neal would think he needs to leave. “I woke you up twice in the—” He glanced at the clock. “—span of three hours.”

“Do you think that matters to me?” Neal frowned and Peter kissed his nose. “You’re my husband. Whether you remember every moment we spent together or not, I love you with all of my heart, Neal.” Since bringing Neal home, Neal hadn’t been able to tell Peter he loves him, too. He wanted to, but he was afraid to say it aloud in case he suddenly didn’t feel it. Peter’s heart was too fragile to have Neal admit that he loves him and then realize he really doesn’t. Neal wants to be sure before he tells Peter he loves him, too. “You aren’t going anywhere, sweetheart.” Peter paused and tensed, quickly adding, “Unless you don’t want to be in here with me.”

Neal leaned against Peter and smiled sadly. “I do want to be in here with you.”

Peter smiled, kissing Neal’s temple. “You never have to run away from me, baby. I’ve worked so hard to earn your trust over the years and I love when you run _to_ me.” Neal kissed Peter’s throat and closed his eyes. “I’ll always be here for you—no matter what, Neal.”

“I believe you,” Neal whispered.

That warmed Peter’s heart because he wasn’t so sure that Neal actually believed him at times, but he wanted Neal to. He wanted Neal to know that he’s always available to him… “I’m glad,” Peter said softly. Glancing at the clock, he said, “It’s about four in the morning now. We can either go back to sleep or wait until the twins wake up.”

Neal shrugged. “We can lay here together if you want.”

“What do _you_ want, Neal?”

The younger man swallowed before sitting back to look at Peter’s face, staring into his eyes. He could answer that in a multitude of ways, but none of them felt right at the moment. “Let’s lay back down. I want to relax—with you.” Peter nodded and laid down, watching Neal as he did so. Neal shifted onto his side and rested his head on Peter’s chest. Peter stroked Neal’s arm and hair gently. Neal smiled in response and rubbed his fingers over Peter’s chest, whispering, “You’re so good to me.”

Peter chuckled. “I try, honey. You deserve the best.” Peter didn’t feel like the best, but he tried for Neal. He still blamed himself for all of this. If he’d been controlling for five minutes, Neal might still be _Neal._ The man lying in bed with him was still Neal, but…not. Either way, Peter loves him with all of his heart. Despite how different things have been, Neal is still the same man with the same kind heart and loving personality.

Neal knew Peter doubted himself. It just felt like a sixth sense for Neal—sensing Peter’s self-doubt. “You are the best,” Neal whispered, rubbing his cheek over Peter’s chest. They were both fully clothed, but the sensations were nearly the same as they would have been had they been naked—and Neal’s mind kept wandering into that territory lately. He found himself wanting to please Peter in every way possible and it always came back to sex. “There’s nobody who can be better than you.”

The older man smiled as he weaved his fingers through Neal’s hair. “Nor can anyone be sweeter than you, my love,” he said softly in return. No matter what Neal said, Neal is still _his_ Neal. Memories may have vanished with the possibility of never returning, but Neal is still the beautiful man he’d been before—and Peter was proud of that fact. No matter what happened to Neal, Neal wouldn’t change. He’d be the man he wanted to be and he wanted to be a good man. He’d had that same sentiment after running away from home as a sixteen year old. He was frightened, alone, and on the streets, but he’d become a mature young man who grew into essentially mastering fatherhood—in Peter’s completely honest opinion.

He figured Neal could do it all over again in the exact same way, but he wanted to do this differently. He’d messed up a lot early on in their relationship, so he was determined to make Neal happier and to avoid doing things that shatter Neal’s trust in him. He’d avoid the journal fiasco, the accusations of cheating, and all of the other mistakes he’d made. Neal is his own man, but he’s a faithful man who’d do anything for the people he loves.

•◊•

Nicky went downstairs, thinking he was the only one awake since he’d heard snoring in both his fathers’ and his grandparents’ rooms. As he was about to head into the kitchen, he could hear someone out there already. Curiously, he went in and found Neal making scrambled eggs and waffles. “What’re you doing, dad?”

Neal startled and glanced over at his son. “Um, making breakfast. I think Pe—poppa told me you like waffles, right?” Nicky nodded and smiled a little at the older man. He was still getting used to being called ‘dad’ and getting used to calling Peter ‘poppa’ when he was with his kids. “You sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” Nicky said quietly, walking over to Neal. Neal watched him, feeling like something was wrong—wondering if he was doing something wrong. The teenager surprised him by wrapping his arms around him, hugging him. “I love you, daddy.”

Chuckling, wrapping one arm around Nicky, Neal said, “I love you, Nicky.”

Nicky wondered why Neal could say he loves him, but couldn’t say the same to Peter. He was used to his parents being able to say it in front of him. In the last several weeks, he hadn’t heard Neal say he loves Peter once. “Can I ask you something?” Neal nodded, rubbing Nicky’s side when he moved the eggs around in the pan. “Do you really love me or are you saying that because you think I want to hear it?”

Frowning, Neal whispered, “I really do love you.” Nicky knew he upset Neal, but he didn’t understand why. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t feel it.”

“So you don’t love poppa?” Neal tensed as he looked down at his son. “You haven’t told him you love him and you just said you wouldn’t say it if you don’t feel it.”

Neal breathed shakily and said, “I’m afraid to say it. His hopes and happiness are riding on those three words. I don’t want to misuse them and hurt him.” Nicky’s brows furrowed and Neal added, “I care about him. I don’t want to say I love him and then end up not meaning it later for whatever reason. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe you should try it,” Nicky said quietly. “You were afraid to love him the first time. This time, you should be okay because you know for fact that he loves you, too.”

“I don’t know,” Neal whispered. “He won’t believe me. If I say it now, he’ll either think I’m lying to make him happy or that he forced me into saying it. He won’t see that my feelings for him are genuine.” Nicky rubbed Neal’s side and sighed quietly. “I know, Nick. I, more than anyone, want to give your dad back to you.” Nicky looked at him strangely. “Your poppa deserves his husband and you deserve your dad. I’m neither of those two things because I have no memories about marrying him or raising you. He told me I raised you alone though, which means I should remember bits and pieces, but I don’t…”

Nicky squeezed him and said, “You’re my dad. Poppa told you that you’re still the same man you were before and I agree. You’ve been talking to poppa, acting the way you used to with him. With me, you’ve always been an awesome daddy. You’re still an awesome daddy.” Neal smiled appreciatively, wishing he knew what to say to the teenager. Nicky’s been so sweet to him.

“And you’re an awesome son,” Neal said quietly. Nicky giggled against Neal. Neal really loved the teenager because he was constantly involving Neal in conversations or other little activities in an attempt to make him feel more at home and hopefully recover some memories. He did feel more at home, but he didn’t really recover anything. He occasionally remembered something when Peter talked to him and he’d been having nightmares that brought back some memories. Other than that, he was just trying to live a normal life with people who love and care about him.

As Neal was finishing up with breakfast, Hannah and Jon came down together. “Wow, son.” Neal smiled at Jon as he came into the kitchen. “Peter isn’t awake yet?”

“Not yet.” Jon knew it was because of Neal’s nightmares. He’d been awake to hold Neal until Neal fell asleep, so he was probably exhausted. Nicky was sitting on the countertop near Neal, watching Neal. “I’m…really sorry,” Neal whispered, looking at his husband’s parents. “I feel awful. If I’d known—”

“No,” Jon said immediately, startling Neal. “Don’t you _ever_ apologize for that.” He sounded so fierce and it intimidated Neal. Jon was normally very soft-spoken with him, so he wasn’t prepared to hear Jon sound this stern. Nicky was completely lost, but he remained silent so he could attempt to figure out what happened. “We all know that none of this is your fault, Neal. We all love you regardless. Your son, your husband, and the two of us have not looked at you any differently. You’re still the same man you were before all of this happened.”

Neal nodded silently, letting it go. He didn’t want to upset Jon more than he already had, so he chose not to speak. He finished breakfast and began to dish it out. He’d watched Peter do it, so he knew what everyone wanted in the morning. He’d even gone so far as getting the orange juice out for Nicky just to pour it into what he assumed was Nicky’s favorite cup. Nicky appreciated it and he let Neal know, so that made him feel pretty good.

He gave Nicky his plate full of waffles and Nicky grinned at him before heading over to the dining table where Jon and Hannah were now sitting. He tried to keep his distance from Jon and Jon noticed. He felt awful, knowing he’d scared Neal a little. It wasn’t his intention at all. He just hated when Neal apologized for things that were beyond his control. It wasn’t his fault that his memories were gone and came back as nightmares that woke up most of the house in the middle of the night.

A short while later, Jon tried to sit Neal down on the couch to talk to him one-on-one, but Neal made an excuse about waking the twins up or doing some laundry. “Dad’s okay,” Nicky said to his grandpa. “He doesn’t get it sometimes—that what he’s going through isn’t going to make us turn on him.”

Jon chuckled, nodding at his grandson. “He’ll eventually understand, Nick.”

Peter woke up while everyone was eating and he was surprised to find Neal out of bed. He heard something going on in the bathroom, so he went to check on whoever was in there and was surprised when he heard, “For as frustrating and concerning as our relationship is at times, I love you more than life.” Peter’s brows furrowed. That was Neal’s voice, but who was he talking to? “Sometimes, I really wish you didn’t. Like right now. I’m looking at my own blood as it’s drying or draining in the bathtub. The floor is a disaster and—oh, look.”

That monologue clicked instantly and he darted into the bathroom to find Neal reenacting that particular moment—kind of. Neal didn’t have a razor, he wasn’t bloody or cut, and there was no blood in their bathtub. “Neal,” he said fearfully. Neal’s eyes widened and he spun to look at Peter. Peter knew that this had been when they’d gone into the bathroom together after Neal’s last suicide attempt. He’d said the initial line Neal spoke, but the rest had been Neal’s own words.

“Am I suicidal?” he whispered.

“No—not anymore.” Neal nodded and relaxed. “Are you okay?”

Neal nodded again. “It’s really bizarre. I hear your voice and my own, but these memories just seem so…surreal. I don’t feel like I’m the one who experienced it, but I know I did.” Peter stepped closer to him and hugged him gently. “I’m all right, Peter. I promise. I felt strange, so I came in here and I thought about shaving. I don’t know why, but that triggered that memory.”

“It’s okay,” Peter insisted. “They’re just memories.”

“I know,” he said softly.

Peter was still stunned every time Neal relaxed like this. This Neal wasn’t the same Neal who cried after every nightmare, every memory, and sometimes the mention of something traumatic that he’d experienced. This Neal looked at these memories and believed he hadn’t really experienced them. The few that clicked with him were experiences he remembered having with his son and some things between him and Peter came back every now and then. Knowing how truthful Peter’s been all this time really encouraged him to try to talk to Peter more and regain memories they made together—both good and bad. He wanted more insight into their relationship in his mind rather than through Jon and Hannah. Peter’s voice and ability to retell their love story accurately certainly helped. He could remember the moment he met Peter after Peter described it to him.

That sparked a lot of joy between the two of them one night when all they did was talk about things. Neal asked him how they’d met and Peter told him. Neal remembered feeling breathless, awestruck, and totally captivated by Peter when Peter gave his own version of finding love at first sight upon meeting Neal’s beautifully blue eyes.

Neal definitely liked that memory. He was worried that he wouldn’t know how it felt to truly love someone, but he’d felt it then—and he still felt it now, but he was still afraid to admit it because he didn’t want to hurt Peter or have Peter hurt him.

“Something on your mind?” Peter tentatively asked when Neal was very quiet.

Meeting Peter’s eyes, Neal said, “What did I do for a living? Like, my job?” Peter wasn’t sure if he should tell Neal. He knew he needed to be honest with him, but revealing that he’s an FBI agent—or he _was_ —might make him feel vulnerable because he doesn’t have any recollection of his training prior to and during Quantico.

“Same as mine,” Peter whispered, hoping Neal wouldn’t press him for an elaborate answer. Neal’s questioning stare cracked him though. “We’re special agents working for the FBI.”

Neal smiled a little. “That sounds pretty nice. It also explains why I found a gun in the nightstand.” Peter’s eyes widened. “Yeah. Part of me had this conspiracy theory that you were going to kill me in my sleep some night, so I was a little curious about that…”

Peter laughed lightly. “Oh, I could never kill you… Even if we weren’t married, how could I end the life of such a beautiful, beautiful man?”

Neal blushed and Peter absolutely loved it. Moments like this, where the old Neal crept through, were wonderful. It was nice to know that his Neal was still there no matter what.

•◊•

Bored one morning upon waking up after Peter left to head to work, Neal slid out of bed and found his gun in their closet. He knew it was his. Holding it in his hands felt right. He’d found his FBI badge as well.

He and Peter moved back into their bedroom together, which was a hell of a lot more comfortable. This morning, he’d woken up when Peter got out of bed. Peter gave him a kiss goodbye, said he loves him, and asked him to go back to sleep. And go back to sleep he did. It wasn’t long before he was awake again and he was trying to figure some more things out. He knew Peter would be home soon, but he also knew that Peter tried very hard not to push Neal’s recovery. Neal wanted to help himself and make things easier on his family, so he was taking it upon himself to look into things a little more. Like holding his gun and badge.

He clipped the badge to his waist and took his gun down into the basement. He didn’t need his son coming into the bedroom to see him with his gun and think the worst. Neal isn’t suicidal. He was before, apparently, but he wasn’t now. He saw no reason to kill himself and that was strange in itself for some reason. This life didn’t feel like his own even though bits and pieces were joining together in the puzzle he called ‘his life.’

Standing in the basement alone, he held his gun between his hands and stared at the far wall, lifting his gun. He was hoping that this wouldn’t be an exercise in futility. If he could do something that sparked a memory, he felt like he could be more useful rather than a burden. No one ever called him a burden, but he felt like one. Everyone was careful about what they said around him and he didn’t like that.

Neal closed his eyes with his gun still raised. He wanted something to come back, but he didn’t know what he was looking for. He tried to remember training for the FBI, but nothing came. There was no jolt of memory, no shock, no surprise. He felt empty—empty and alone.

He didn’t know how much time had passed before finally getting pissed off. He snarled in frustration and threw his gun across the room. The safety was on. He hadn’t taken it off because he didn’t want to accidentally kill himself or one of his family members.

Not knowing what else to do, he sank to the floor and bent his knees, holding his head in his hands. “Come on,” he growled at himself. “There’s something. Find something, damn it.” He was inadvertently causing himself pain as a migraine came on, but he wanted so desperately for something to spark. “Anything. God damn it. Just give me something. I want to be him—that man they all love and want.” He didn’t know why he was talking to himself—or if he was talking to someone else. Maybe he was going insane… “I’m not that man. They don’t love me like they love him. He knows them and they know him. I’m just the empty shell of him.” He pushed himself up and started grabbing things and throwing them. Nothing he touched was valuable or breakable. He just needed to release his rage and he definitely didn’t want to hurt _someone._ “You son of a bitch,” he snarled. “All they want is you.” He stared at a mirror he didn’t realize was hanging on the wall and he curled his upper lip in disgust, hating himself for not being the man his family wanted. “I know you’re in there, you bastard. Stop hiding. They want you.” His head hurt so much and he swore the man in the mirror was laughing at him. He threw something at the mirror as he growled, “Take your fucking life back! You’re all they want!”

He breathed heavily after the mirror shattered and he stared at the destruction. Things were scattered and in absolute disarray. He’d clean it up. He just needed to vent without taking it out on someone. It was frustrating, watching everyone pretend they were happy with all of this. He wasn’t happy and he knew they weren’t. Yes, he loves Peter and Peter makes him happy, but all he does is make Peter miserable because he doesn’t have all of the memories Neal and Peter made. He’s just part of Neal—the _shitty_ half of Neal.

“Neal…” Neal startled and turned to see Jon at the bottom of the stairway, staring at him in horror. “Did you do this?” Neal didn’t answer. He was slightly afraid to. If he admitted it, Jon might call Peter and Peter would come home to baby him. Then again, it wasn’t like he could deny it. He is the only one who’d been down here and he’d been by himself for God knows how long.

“Yes,” he finally said.

Jon looked sympathetic as he asked, “What caused this? Are you okay? Do I need to call Peter?”

Neal shook his head as he began to overload. Too many questions, too many thoughts, and no God damn answers. “I’m angry. No, I’m not okay. And no, Peter doesn’t need to be bothered.” He was snippier than he intended on being and it wasn’t like he was upset with Jon. He wanted things to be normal. Even if he wasn’t as emotionally attached to his previous life, he wanted those memories so he could sit with Peter and say, “Remember when…?” He wanted to reminisce with Peter rather than sit there and listen to Peter retell their story. “This fucking sucks. I want to remember everything and I’m trying so damn hard, but nothing is happening.”

The older man held his hands out in front of him as he approached Neal. Neal wouldn’t attack him, but Jon didn’t know for sure. After seeing the disaster Neal created, there was no telling what Neal was capable of. “I told you that you need to be patient,” he said softly. “Peter’s been helping you along. You’re slowly recovering what you’ve lost.”

“Patience doesn’t get me anything!” he snapped. “I’m waiting for everything to just click suddenly, but no. I am still this worthless, useless waste of space. I don’t have a job because I don’t know what education I have—officially. I can’t work for the FBI with Peter. I’d be a liability because I’m not trained—I’m not equipped with my memories of training. But I hate sitting in this God damn house. I hate feeling like I can do nothing.” Jon didn’t know how all of this felt, but he tried for Neal’s sake. “Nobody gets it. You all have everything you’ve ever wanted. I can’t even tell Peter what my favorite color is because I don’t fucking know. I want to do something productive, get out in the real world and actually make a difference. I know damn well that I’m capable of doing some kind of work, but I can’t sit in this house twenty-four-seven and just expect my memories to come back slowly day by day. It could be years—decades—before I remember my wedding day, my favorite color, my birthday. Hell, I don’t even know my children’s birthdays.”

Jon listened to him seethe and knew how frustrating this had to be. “I know, Neal, but we’re all here for you. You’ll remember everything in no time at—”

“You don’t understand,” Neal said exasperatedly. “I have nothing. I have no job, no recollection of my family, of my life. I have very little in my head that actually pertains to the people I love or should love or myself.” He rubbed his temple as it began to throb. He was still trying to push something forward—anything. At this point, even remembering some stupid comment he made in the past would be something. “I know everyone is trying to be understanding and helpful, but nothing is changing. I’m not your Neal and I don’t know if I ever will be again.”

Neal was pissed off. He wasn’t in one of his depressive moods where he felt like he deserved to die or didn’t deserve his family. Jon could see the difference between that side of Neal and this side of Neal. This side of Neal was resentful and frustrated. He obviously hates Rachel for doing this to him and it frustrates him that he can try so hard and still come up short every time. However, Jon wanted him to understand that he _is_ their Neal. “You’re still the young man my son married four years ago. You’re still the young man I love and call my son rather than my son-in-law. You’re still the young man who went through a great deal in life and became a wonderful person in the end.” He tentatively pulled Neal close and was grateful when Neal didn’t put up any resistance to the hug. “You’re our Neal. Don’t tell yourself that you aren’t. You are him—he is you. Some things may not be one hundred percent the same, but you know damn well that Peter will be at your side through all of this.”

The younger man needed time to cool down, so Jon let him go and they both cleaned up the basement. Jon found Neal’s gun and it made him wonder if Neal intended in killing himself because he was so frustrated. He turned to see Neal looking right at him. “I wasn’t going to kill myself,” he said, almost as if he could read Jon’s mind. “Peter and I talked about working for the FBI. I found the gun and wanted to see if anything…came back.” Jon gave him a curious look, wondering if he’d been successful at all. “Nothing. Not a damn thing.”

Jon nodded and stuffed the gun into his pocket. He’d keep the gun away from Neal for the time being because only God knew what Neal would do if he lost control because he essentially felt like he had none to begin with. Neal wanted to know who he is, who his family is, and what he’s done in his life and to other people’s lives. He wants to know how he’s been influenced by others and how he’s influenced them. He wants to understand what’s going on without feeling like an absolute idiot or a child.

Jon intended on talking to Peter about this angry outburst. Whether Neal and Peter spoke about it or not, he wanted to make suggestions. One of them being that Peter and Neal needed to go someplace just the two of them for a while. They could rekindle their romance, discover feelings they didn’t know they still felt, and perhaps Peter could draw out a few more memories. He had really high hopes for the two. All he wanted was for Neal and Peter to love each other the way they had before. The two were absolutely inseparable before. Neal didn’t like being away from Peter and Peter still tried to keep the distance between them because he didn’t want to guilt Neal into feeling something that wasn’t real.

Neal’s feelings were real. He was frustrated and in love. He loves Peter as much as he did before even though he was afraid to admit it. Jon could see it in the way Neal looked at Peter sometimes. It was as beautiful as it had been in the past. He looked awed by Peter, inspired and rejuvenated by Peter. There were many reasons why Jon was proud of Peter and Neal was included in that list in reasons. Because Peter was such a loving, welcoming, accepting man, he’d won over the heart of another man who may not have ever experienced true love in his life if Peter turned him away. Peter didn’t judge Neal when they’d first gotten together and he’d never leave Neal because of something that was beyond Neal’s control.

This was essentially the same situation. Neal couldn’t control that his memories were gone, that he couldn’t force his recovery. Peter still stuck by him through and through. After six years together, Jon would’ve thought another man would shove Neal aside and look for someone ‘better.’ Peter was, fortunately, not that kind of man. He found his true love in Neal, a man who’d been tortured in more ways than one of the course of his lifetime—and, as Peter always said, Neal isn’t even forty years old yet. He’d gone through so much—too much for one person to endure in a lifetime.

Peter wanted Neal after he found out Neal had a son, after Neal revealed that he was a rape victim, and everything else that followed in the subsequent years of their relationship. Neal’s memories would just be yet another hurdle for them to overcome and Jon trusted that they’d make it. They’re both strong men and they’re stronger with each other.

Together, Peter and Neal would fall in love a second time and he knew it would be just as wonderful for both men as it had been the first time. Peter and Neal were too in love to give up on each other. Peter loves Neal and wants to help him so desperately while Neal loves Peter and wants to be his husband so desperately. They both wanted things that were difficult to achieve, but Jon knew they’d achieve them nonetheless.

No matter the challenges Neal and Peter faced, Jon didn’t think anyone could tear _Neal and Peter_ apart. Soulmates, partners, best friends, lovers… What they had was too special to them for them to give in to defeat. In every sense of the word, the two men are partners. They worked through everything together, overcame obstacles together, and loved each other in a way that couldn’t be described in simple words.

Watching Neal now, Jon knew he had the firepower, the willpower, to make Peter understand what’s going on in his head. Neal only trusted Peter enough with that information. Everything that was considered personal, private, and either painful or emotional enough to keep to himself might’ve been locked away for good at one point. Since Peter came into Neal’s life, everything changed for them both—and things would continue to change as they continued to work through their relationship and everything that stood in their way. Neal and Peter would come out of this just as strong as they always did.

Jon had faith in his boys. He couldn’t deny that there was true love between them. Because of that true love, they would do anything for the other man. Neal knew that as well as Peter did. Neal would give anything for Peter and he didn’t realize that he had in the past.

Neal and Peter would always be _Neal and Peter_ because they wouldn’t allow themselves to lose something they both held dear to their hearts and completely cherished. Whether Neal remembered everything or not, both he and Peter knew how special they were to each other, how important they were to each other. Neal’s memory loss wouldn’t destroy what they have built together—nor would anything else.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal has a revelation.

Peter sat in his bed around quarter to four in the morning, biting his lip. Neal was asleep beside him, snoring quietly as he always did. Peter had spoken to his father not too long ago. It was now roughly half way through July and Jon suggested that Peter take Neal somewhere. Peter was trying to brainstorm some ideas now because he didn’t know where to go or when to go.

Looking down at his husband, he sighed quietly. He really wished they didn’t have to fix their relationship, but there was nothing either of them could do but deal with it.

He stroked Neal’s back lovingly, wishing he could feel Neal’s skin. He was struggling with his urges now that he was sleeping so close to Neal every single night. He went to bed hard and woke up hard because of his husband, but he did nothing about it. He’d woken up to Neal masturbating once and he’d just listened because Neal thought he was quiet. Had he not been shaking the bed a little too much, he might’ve gotten away with it. Peter listened and tried not to touch himself or reach over Neal to touch him. It was difficult—as was listening to Neal’s sounds of frustration. He jerked off for several minutes, murmuring Peter’s name repeatedly, and he hadn’t been able to make himself release. Peter certainly hadn’t expected Neal to be masturbating to thoughts of him. They weren’t doing anything sexual and he wondered if that was doing more harm than good for Neal considering how frustrated Neal had been when he tried to get himself off and failed.

Hell, he didn’t know if they’d ever do anything sexual again. He was just trying to help Neal in any way that he could. He did notice that Neal wasn’t able to maintain an erection very long. He tried to talk to Neal about it and Neal was very self-conscious and defensive, claiming he was perfectly capable of making love with Peter whenever the time came. Neal has been overly defensive whenever he feels like he’s being criticized for being unable to do something or when he’s struggling. “You think too loud,” Neal murmured. Peter smiled sadly at him when he shifted so he could look up at Peter’s face. “You okay?”

Peter wanted to say that he was just fine, but he really wasn’t. He felt horrible every time he looked at Neal because he felt like he’d failed his husband. If he’d tried harder, did something better, he might’ve been able to save him. Now he had to watch Neal get frustrated and angry when he had a hard time. Neal tried to play with the babies a few times and he couldn’t handle it. He tried so many things and was either overwhelmed or upset in the end. “Yes, sweetheart.” He leaned down and kissed Neal’s forehead. “I’m just thinking about some things. What woke you up?”

“You,” Neal murmured. Peter’s brows furrowed. “You sighed several times and then you touched my back. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but your hand trembles when you’re thinking about something upsetting.” Peter didn’t realize that, but he certainly believed it. “I’m just going to assume I’m the problem,” he whispered.

The older man shook his head vehemently. “Never. You are never the problem, Neal.” Neal sighed and pushed himself up into a sitting position beside Peter. “Is something on _your_ mind?”

Neal nodded and said, “I don’t know if your dad talked to you, but I had a meltdown a few weeks ago. It was when you went back to work.” Peter heard about it, but he didn’t know how to confront Neal about it—or if he should’ve. “I was so upset with the way things are right now. I’ll be honest and say I think I lost it for a few minutes. I was yelling at myself—then at myself in the mirror.” He glanced at Peter and realized that Peter already knew. He didn’t feel like finishing the story now because he figured it was useless if Peter already knew.

“Don’t stop,” Peter said softly when Neal shook his head. “I want to hear what you have to say. Don’t shut me out. Your thoughts are important to me.”

Shrugging, Neal sighed in defeat and shut his eyes. “I don’t want to be who I am right now. I don’t want to be a man masquerading as your husband and your children’s daddy. I want to fucking _be_ him—not pretend. I don’t want to sink into these roles. I want to feel them.” He was messing with the blanket and Peter noticed. “I want Nicky to be happy, mom and dad to be happy… I want to be able to hold the twins and know what the hell I’m supposed to do with an infant. When I held Joey, I felt like a fish out of water—flailing around helplessly.” He bowed his head and Peter took his hand gently, intertwining their fingers. “And I want to make you happy,” he added very quietly. “I’m doing nothing that benefits anyone. All I’ve done by coming back is hinder you and your family.”

Peter squeezed Neal’s hand and said, “That is far from the truth. You’re part of this family—an integral part of this family. I wouldn’t have three children to share with you if you weren’t here.” Neal opened his eyes and stared at Peter solemnly. “I don’t care if we have to work hard to bring things back. You’re worth it and you always have been.” He kissed Neal’s cheek and added, “You’re wonderful with Nicky and I know you’ll get used to holding and playing with the twins. You’re a very sensitive, sweet man, Neal. You’ve always loved children, so I know you’ll adapt.”

“But I… I don’t know how to be a dad. I’m trying with Nicky and I know I’m failing. I can’t be you.” Peter thought it was hysterical how he’d been in Neal’s position not too long ago—feeling like he couldn’t fit the role of a father the way Neal could. Now, they were reversed and Neal felt like he was inadequate. It was hysterical only because it was so sad in Peter’s opinion. “I don’t have what it takes to be a dad—let alone the dad of a fifteen year old and two infants. I’m acting like Nicky’s older brother and that’s just so fucking wrong because I know he’s my son. I know I’m half the reason he’s alive. How can I know that and still act like his brother?”

“You lost fifteen years of fatherhood, Neal. No one is expecting you to just be able to jump right back into the saddle. It took time for you to get used to it when you were alone with Nicky. You have three kids now, but I know you’ll be the daddy you were before in no time at all.”

“I’ve been here for several weeks, Peter!” he hissed, looking desperate. He slid out of bed and Peter tried to stop him, but he wasn’t fast enough. He still got off of the bed either way and watched Neal act like a caged animal. “I don’t know how to be him. I don’t know how to do what he did.”

Peter, confused as ever, asked, “Who are you talking about?”

Neal gave him a sad, apologetic look. “Neal. Your Neal.”

That look cut Peter deeply. He had spoken to his father about Neal’s ‘meltdown,’ but he wasn’t aware of the fact that Neal thought he wasn’t the same Neal everyone wanted him to be. “You _are_ my Neal. I love you more than anything. You’re the man I’ve fallen in love with so very deeply,” he whispered. He kept his distance, but he wanted to pull Neal against him, hug him like he always had. “You’re my baby daddy,” he said quietly, a teasing smile on his lips even though it didn’t touch his eyes. “You’re my husband. You are my Neal.”

“Just stop, okay? I know I’m not him. You’re all expecting some massive recovery and we both know it’s not going to happen. I saw the damn paper, too, Peter. I know how badly my brain was damaged. I know things aren’t going to come back. No matter what happens, I’ve still lost pieces of my life.” He sounded and looked so distraught. Peter didn’t like seeing Neal this way. He wanted to do something to make him feel better, but he didn’t know what to do. “You can hide the papers all you want and wave the pom-poms until your arms are tired, but I’m just a waste of time.”

“I wasn’t hiding them from you. I kept them in a folder with other things because I—”

“Putting them into a strongbox you didn’t think I could picklock isn’t hiding them?” Neal challenged him.

Peter was kind of surprised that Neal had been able to do that, but it was probably something Neal hadn’t even thought about. Mozzie taught him how to do it in the past and he knew Mozzie hadn’t taught him how to do it again because Mozzie hadn’t come over to see Neal since Neal came back. He hadn’t kept in contact with them and that bothered Peter. He’d try to call Mozzie, but Mozzie dumped his phone. Normally, Peter got Mozzie’s number from Neal, but Neal wasn’t using his phone. Peter didn’t hide the phone, but Neal didn’t want to see it. He didn’t want to see pictures, videos, and text messages because it would only drag him further into his downward spiral.

Sighing, Peter said, “I’m trying to protect you.”

Neal shook his head. “You’re coddling me—treating me like some brainless idiot who can’t handle the truth. I know I have brain damage, but no one ever talked to me about it.” Peter could see the tears in Neal’s eyes and he wanted to grab Neal just to hug him—and never let go. “Nobody will talk to me about the things I need to know. You kept those papers from me and only God knows what else you’re hiding. For all I fucking know, you’re probably seeing someone who makes you so much happier.”

That made Peter snap. He darted forward and wrapped his arms around Neal, kissing his neck while shutting his eyes tightly as he tried to refrain from crying. “I could never cheat on you.” He breathed shakily as Neal stiffened against him. “I love you too much to give my heart to anyone else. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for making you feel inadequate. I’m so sorry, Neal.”

The younger man relaxed and broke down against his husband, gripping the back of his shirt tightly. “I just want to be normal,” he whispered. “I hate this—all of this. I want things I know I can’t have. Everything I want and need makes everyone else miserable and you all look at me like I’m lying through my teeth whenever I speak.”

“No,” Peter insisted. “I know you aren’t lying to me.”

Neal laughed a tortured, disheartened laugh. “You’re the one who accused me of lying.”

“Because I’m an idiot,” Peter whispered in his ear. “You don’t lie to me, Neal. You can’t. You’ve never been able to lie and keep it up with me.” Neal wanted Peter to keep holding him like this forever. It was the most intimate embrace they’ve indulged themselves with in quite some time. They curled up in bed together, but they never slept the way they did before. Peter had a hard time going back to that. He was trying so hard not to push Neal into anything, but he knew that spooning Neal would press his erection right against Neal’s ass. Peter didn’t doubt that Neal would immediately think he needed to have sex with Peter to make Peter happy and Peter didn’t want that. He wanted to make love with Neal the way they had before—passionately, wholeheartedly. He didn’t want it to be a halfway thing. They either felt it completely or not at all and he was looking for that completeness.

“Neal, it’ll all be okay again someday. I don’t know when, but it’ll happen. I’m not leaving you or putting you somewhere so I don’t have to deal with you. I love you with all of my heart.” He pulled back and looked at Neal’s tear-filled eyes. “Please,” he pleaded, “believe me when I say you’re the man I married. You may not know everything, but you’re still that man. There aren’t two Neals in my life. You are the only Neal I’ve ever had—and the only one I’ll ever have.”

Peter lifted his hands away from Neal’s back and wiped Neal’s tear trails. “I want to be in love with you.” He shook his head and breathed shakily as he said, “I _am_ in love with you.” Peter’s eyes widened. He wasn’t expecting Neal to declare his love for him. He wasn’t expecting to ever hear Neal say he loves him again. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you, Peter.” Neal was pretty emotional as he repeated, “I love you. I _love_ you.” He finally felt it and meant it. There was no reason to question whether or not he should say it. He let it happen and he meant each word.

Neal laughed and smiled as he said those three words one more time before hugging Peter tightly. Peter was really confused, wondering how Neal had gone from being really upset to declaring his love for Peter. Either way, he held onto his lover and knew Neal meant what he’d said because Neal’s heart was pounding. “I love you, Neal,” Peter whispered, rubbing Neal’s back. He kissed Neal’s cheek as he listened to Neal’s accelerated breathing. He was excited now and Peter thought of Neal’s emotions as a light switch. He’d been upset for a few moments and then suddenly that all changed.

Exhaling happily, Neal whispered, “I can feel it. I feel it.” He sounded like a teenager who either just found the lingerie section in a Sears catalogue or who just had sex for the first time. In either context, Peter thought it was adorable to hear his thirty-eight year old husband sound like that. Neal was so overjoyed in that moment and Peter wanted to hold onto that joy as long as he could.

The younger man pulled back from the hug and smiled at Peter, his eyes watering. “God…” Peter whispered breathlessly as he stared into his husband’s eyes. “You’re so beautiful.”

Peter was taken by surprise when Neal kissed him long and hard. He wrapped his arms around Neal tightly, holding him as close as humanly possible while they kissed. It felt more like making out than actually kissing. Peter kind of knew the difference after spending so much time with Neal, but that difference didn’t matter to him at the moment. Neal was kissing him so passionately, like his heart was into it, and that made Peter’s heart skip a few beats.

•◊•

Jon gave his son a curious look the second Peter turned around and looked desperate. He was making coffee early and looked like he hadn’t slept. “Peter, are you okay?”

“I need to talk to you.” Jon nodded and moved towards his son, resting his hand on Peter’s back. “Neal said it. He said he loves me.”

Grinning, Jon said, “That’s wonderful to hear.”

Peter smiled and Jon wondered why Peter had looked so desperate moments earlier. “I need to work on this with him. I can’t let him fall out of love with me. I-I… I need to be with him.” He breathed shakily and Jon was surprised by how worked up Peter was over this. Peter’s generally very good at hiding his emotions or downplaying them. Seeing Peter like this told Jon that Neal really affected Peter as a whole. “I want to take your suggestion that we go somewhere alone, but I wanted to talk it over with you first to see what you think.”

“I’m more than happy to listen, son.”

Jon rubbed Peter’s back while Peter continued. “Before all of this happened, we talked several times about going somewhere together for an extended honeymoon because our actual honeymoon was very short. “ Nodding, Jon waited for the rest. “He’s always wanted to go to Paris with me. I want to take him there. I just… Do you think he’d still want that?”

“I can find out for you if you’d like.” Peter nodded eagerly. Jon chuckled in response. “Okay, Peter. I’ll let you know when I figure it out. For the record, I think it’s a very sweet gesture considering he’s a romantic at heart and he’s finally admitted that he’s in love. Poor boy was afraid to say it to you because he didn’t want to hurt you.” Peter’s brows furrowed. “He talked to Nicky, Nicky talked to me. He confides in Nicky a lot.”

Peter nodded. “I know he does. He’s really trying to figure out the whole father thing and I know he’s struggling. In fact, that was part of what got our conversation going last night. He’s upset with his inability to treat Nicky like his son. He thinks he’s acting more like Nicky’s older brother.”

“He’ll learn,” Jon said softly, rubbing Peter’s back again for a moment. “He’s a smart man. Besides, he has another smart man to teach him the ropes again.”

Laughing lightly, Peter said, “Yeah. I just wish I’d done a better job before. He’s been watching me with him in an attempt to figure it out himself, but I know I can’t do much to help him relearn all of that. He’s the one who taught me.” Peter didn’t think he had the makings of teaching Neal how to be a dad and he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted to try because he knew that the second Neal adapted to being a father, Neal would become the very best again.

Jon sighed quietly. “Peter, you’re a very beautiful young man and I’m very proud of you.” Peter couldn’t help the fact that a sudden blush came on. He wasn’t expecting his father to say something like that. “I was proud of you when I met Neal and Nicky for the first time when you brought them up for Christmas. You were brave enough to bring your little family up to meet the rest of your family and I was very proud of you for that. Not only did you show me that you made that man and his son very happy, but you also showed me what makes you happy. Being with them has made you happier than I’ve ever seen you.” He pulled Peter’s hands away from the countertop and hugged his son tightly. “You brought the two of them into your life and you fit into theirs. Not only did you become Neal’s boyfriend and future husband, but you became his boy’s future poppa. Nicky loved you then as much as he loves you now—if not more now. You’re a good father and Neal’s teachings aren’t the only reason for that. You made yourself the father you are, Peter, and I know you can help Neal find his inner daddy just like he helped you find your inner poppa.”

Peter let that sink in for a while, even after Neal joined them downstairs. They sat on the couch together to watch some hockey and Peter’s arm was draped over Neal’s shoulders while Neal leaned towards him. It felt so much like them and Peter loved it—missed it. He hadn’t been able to act like they were married at all because he certainly didn’t want Neal thinking he was expected to do certain marital activities. Peter never forced Neal into making love before and he certainly wouldn’t now. Knowing how vulnerable Neal was without his memories, the last thing Peter wanted to do was coerce him into the bedroom in that way. He’d feel like he’d raped Neal because Neal wouldn’t know any better. He would think he needed to please Peter because Peter’s his husband.

“Every time we’re close like this,” Neal whispered, “you think too much.” Peter glanced down at him, rubbing his shoulder. “Why?”

Peter shrugged a little. “I just think about you—us. I think about our family and some other things in our life.” He thought about making love with Neal a lot and it was really hard not to tell Neal that. He was sincerely craving Neal’s body, his accelerated breathing, and the sweat and semen that allowed him to taste his husband after Neal came out of the bathroom with only a towel covering him one morning.

Neal was still looking up at him and he looked sad. “Be honest with me, okay? Have I made you miserable since you brought me back? Have I made you miserable because I’m…not the Neal you married?”

“I already told you that you’re my Neal,” Peter said. “And no, sweetheart. I’m not miserable. How can I be miserable? I have you in my life.” Neal looked confused. “When I lost you, I thought I lost you for good,” Peter whispered. “I was beginning to believe the people who said I’d never get you back and then…and then there you were. I never believed that you were dead. I wanted to find you and I was desperate to keep going. Finding you in that brothel… Despite the circumstances I found you in, I’m happy again because I have you.”

“I know all I’m doing is asking questions, but can I ask something else?” Peter nodded. “Am I… Do you think I’m a whore because of the brothel? Rachel and everyone who had sex with me called me a whore, but you… You won’t talk to me about what happened, so I don’t know what you’re thinking.”

Peter shook his head immediately. “Never. I will never think you’re a whore. You aren’t that, Neal. God no.” He kissed Neal’s temple and sighed heavily. “What she did to you was wrong, Neal, as was everything those other men and women did to you. You aren’t at fault—I don’t blame you. You were doing what you had to.” He shifted and pulled Neal closer, close enough so that Neal was actually laying on Peter a little. “I’m sorry if I made it seem like I thought poorly of you because I wasn’t talking to you about it. I just… Before all of this, what you went through in the brothel would have been a very sensitive topic. Because you were…hurt…during all of this, you didn’t know that you went through so many other things. Rachel tried to make it seem like what you were doing was good. You know now that she was playing with you, Neal, and you told me that you didn’t like any of it.”

“The men were too rough and the women wanted me to be rough. The men hit me and came on my face. The women scratched me and called me their ‘pretty boy.’” Both men shuddered simultaneously and that sent another little surge of electricity between them. They’d both responded to the same statement in the same way—that was how connected they were to each other. Neal hadn’t spoken to Peter about what happened at the brothel aside from the basics because he didn’t know what Peter would do to him. “I lied to Rachel and told her I liked it. She liked watching them fuck me. Hell, she even gave the women strap-ons sometimes.”

“When I fucking find that bitch—” Peter growled, shaking his head. “She violated you and then let others violate you. Some God damn love she felt for you. I’d never do that to you.” Peter was really pissed off about this and Neal was afraid that Peter was going to hurt him because of it—because he felt like he’d subjected himself willingly to what he’d gone through at the brothel. “I’ll fucking kill her. I swear to you, I will make her pay for what she did.”

Peter’s fingers curled around Neal’s neck protectively, but Neal felt like it was meant to constrict him. He pushed Peter’s hand away and quickly got up, moving away from Peter. Peter stared at him, eyes wide and full of confusion. “I-I…”

“Honey,” Peter said softly, apologetically. “I’ll never hurt you. I know you aren’t at fault. She lied to you, tricked you. Essentially, she brainwashed you. I don’t blame you for any of what happened.” He knew better than to move. When Neal was afraid, he could either curl up with Peter or run elsewhere. Because Peter scared him, that only left the running option. “I can’t blame you, Neal. I can’t do that to you.” Neal nodded, swallowing hard. Peter sat up and held his hand out towards Neal. “Come sit with me?” Neal tentatively stepped closer until he could finally take Peter’s hand and Peter gently tugged on his hand until he sat down beside him. “I love you. You’re not at fault.”

“Should I just shut up about this?”

“No,” Peter said immediately. “If you want or need to talk to me about it, you will. I’m here for you. I always have been and always will be right here.”

Neal nodded, intertwining their fingers rather than simply holding Peter’s hand in his. “I was afraid when I was with all of those people. I didn’t understand why they wanted me and I still don’t really understand.” Peter nodded silently, his eyes never leaving Neal’s. He wanted to prove that he was sincere when he said he was right there for Neal. “When I first woke up, I was chained up. My arms and knees hurt. I had a really bad headache and I didn’t know who I was or where I was. She came in and threatened me, told me that I wouldn’t be let off easily and I asked her to explain that to me, which is when that man came in and beat me.” Peter squeezed Neal’s hand gently when Neal’s hand tightened around his. “It happened for a few days. She kept telling me to stop acting stupid. I didn’t know why she was hurting me. I asked her if she knew who I was and that was when things started to…calm down.”

Peter frowned. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered. He didn’t know what else to say to his husband. He knew Neal wasn’t as hurt by any of this as he had been when he’d been raped. This Neal didn’t know any better, didn’t believe he’d gone through what he’d gone through. He had nightmares, the echoes of what happened, but he couldn’t remember the way it felt when Vincent and Craig tortured his body inside and out. “I hope you know you didn’t deserve any of that.” Neal shrugged and Peter whispered, “You didn’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve to have them use you for sex. You’re not a toy. You’re a man—a human being.”

Sighing, Neal whispered, “I didn’t know that this is what it feels like to be loved, to be happy.” He leaned over and kissed Peter’s cheek, then he rested his head against Peter’s. The game on the television was long forgotten by this point. Neal was opening up to Peter and Peter wanted to give Neal his full attention. “She told me she loved me and she wanted me to say I was happy. I wasn’t loved nor was I happy. This is what it feels like. Having someone hold me, kiss me, look at me and smile… Having someone tell me they love me with a small, shy smile… That’s love.” He closed his eyes as he leaned against Peter and whispered, “You tell me you love me and look right into my eyes. I can see the way you smile, the way your eyes water when you look at me and when you say you love me. I know you aren’t lying. Even if you were, you’re a damn good liar.”

He didn’t like that. Neal is a man who deserves all the love in the world. Peter wanted to give all of that love to Neal and more. He _would_ give all of that and more to Neal.

•◊•

“What do you think?”

Nicky grinned at Peter, nodding eagerly. “I think that’s a fantastic idea. If you don’t tell him, he’ll be taken totally by surprise.”

Peter chuckled, shaking his head at his teenage son. “I can’t just taken him to the airport and not tell him. Your daddy will need to know where I’m taking him or he won’t go.” Nicky shrugged and Peter rolled his eyes. “Talking to you is a moot point when you’re all bubbly. You’re just, like, go for it! And you don’t think about the fact that daddy doesn’t remember our anniversary.”

The teenager scooted closer to Peter and sat in his lap. Peter was happy to hold his son this way, wrapping his arms around him. He gently planted a kiss on Nicky’s forehead and smiled when the teenager giggled. “Well, then remind him. Don’t tell him where you’re going, but tell him you’re going somewhere with him to make it a really special day.”

“It is a really special day in itself,” Peter said. “It’s the day we got together as well as the anniversary of our marriage. We’ll have been together for six years—and married for four of those beautiful years.” Nicky closed his eyes while Peter held him. He’d missed seeing his poppa this happy. After Neal had been kidnapped, Peter was so unlike himself. Now that Neal was back—kind of—he could function again. Having Neal in front of him to hold, to kiss, to caress… That was all he wanted. He wanted to be able to look into Neal’s beautifully blue eyes, see his cute smile, listen to his angelic laugh. All he’d wanted for a little over two months was for his husband to be home with him.

It took extra time to rebuild their feelings—to help Neal find his, but they did it. Neal admitted that he’s in love with Peter and Peter believed him because he knew Neal couldn’t lie to him. He’s not a very good liar when it comes to them. Even if Neal didn’t know that, it still held true. He is in love with Peter as much as Peter is in love with him. Now that they made it through that hurdle, all they had to do was be themselves. If they had plenty of time alone together, they could fall in love all over again.

Peter could see that Neal wanted to put effort into rebuilding what they’d lost—what he’d lost. He wasn’t about to shut Neal down this time because he felt that it’d be the last time Neal attempted to express his feelings. Peter didn’t want to lose Neal that way. If Neal loves him, then Neal loves him. At this point in their lives, Peter hoped that Neal wouldn’t force himself to feel this way, but he could see in Neal’s eyes that Neal felt it.

That genuine love and attraction was in his eyes, in his smile, in the way he laughed while he blushed during conversation. The little things he did meant the most to Peter. Even if Neal’s lips quirked into a small smile after Peter made a lame joke, Peter could see the romance that was beginning to spark between them again. He still wouldn’t push Neal’s recovery, but this was one step in the right direction.

“I know it’s special,” Nicky said softly. “I wouldn’t have two daddies if it weren’t. You two are everything to me, poppa. I’ve been encouraging daddy’s feelings for you because I know he’s afraid of hurting you somehow. He does love you.” Peter kissed Nicky’s forehead again, smiling a little while his eyes watered. “I love you and dad. If things between you work out in the end, you have no idea how happy that’ll make me. Well, not just me… Grandma and grandpa are hoping everything will work between you, too.”

Peter hushed Nicky without making it obvious when Neal came into the bedroom. “Hey, you two,” he said softly.

“Hey, baby.”

Nicky sat up and smiled at Neal. “Hi, daddy.”

Neal sat down on his and Peter’s bed, watching the two of them. Peter could see Neal’s mind working and questioning what was going on, but Nicky decided it was probably time for him to get out so Peter and Neal could have some more time together. He quickly kissed and hugged them both before darting out of their room. “What was that all about?” Neal asked.

“Don’t ask me. He’s your boy.” Neal smiled wryly at his husband. “We were just talking about a couple things.” Neal’s head tilted to the side curiously and Peter couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped his lips. He loved when Neal did that. It was so cute. He looked like a confused puppy, which was fitting considering Neal’s always been as cute as a puppy in Peter’s mind and he’s slightly confused by everything going on around him. “Have we talked about special days between us yet?” Neal shook his head, shifting to lay on his side, staring up at Peter intently. “Well, we have an extremely special day coming up in August.”

“Is that when we got together?”

“That and when we got married.” Neal smiled a little and Peter’s heart fluttered at the sight. “Even though you don’t remember the last several years we’ve had together, do you feel like celebrating our anniversary with me this year?”

Grinning, Neal nodded. “Of course.”

Peter shifted around until he was laying on his stomach beside Neal, staring at him with a small smile on his face. They were both silent and they gazed into each other’s eyes, finding themselves lost in an ocean as well as a sea of chocolate. They were both mesmerized by each other’s eyes, which led them into initiating a gentle kiss.

Neal’s eyes were the first to close while they kissed slowly. Peter didn’t see the point in rushing through the kiss. It could be hot, passionate, and beautiful even if it were slow. In fact, Peter thought that was better for them. Taking their time to learn everything they could about each other would benefit them more than an attempt to rush through everything. Neal didn’t want to move so fast and Peter was more than happy to take it all very slowly. Neal was beyond worth it.

“I love you,” Peter whispered when they barely parted enough to breathe.

Peter opened his eyes a little to see that Neal’s were still closed as he also whispered, “I love you, Peter Burke,” before opening his eyes to smile at the older man. He took Peter’s left hand in his left hand and gently rubbed their wedding rings together. “I love you so much.” And Peter _knew_ as well as _heard_ that he wasn’t lying.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal is trying to fit into his previous life.

Jon watched the boys as they sat outside in the grass. Peter was trying to help Neal become a little more comfortable with the twins, so the four of them were in the backyard while Nicky stayed inside with his grandparents. “Look at them,” Hannah murmured, coming up behind Jon, resting a hand on his back. He glanced down at her and met her soft smile with one of his own. “Every time I look at them, I wonder why I treated him so poorly upon meeting him,” she whispered. “He’s nothing but wonderful, Jon.”

“I think it was just difficult to accept that he was pretending to be someone he’s not—Peter, I mean.” He pulled Hannah close, hugging her gently. “Elizabeth was good for him, but she wasn’t what Peter wanted. I knew that he wasn’t truly happy every time we met with them for a holiday. But when he brought Neal up for Christmas… I could see it in their eyes. They’re with each other because they want to be together, not because they feel like they need to be.”

Hannah nodded against her husband. “I love them both. Neal has softened Peter in ways I didn’t think possible.”

“We also never thought he’d become a father,” Jon added. “Neal is sensitive, sweet, and loving. He came with his own personal baggage—emotionally as well as personally. Not only was he a rape victim, but he was a rape victim who was struggling as a single parent.” He kissed Hannah’s head and whispered, “Neal is the soft one and I know Peter is his backbone—or at least he was before all of this. My point is, they complement each other in ways we didn’t realize Peter needed. Neal suffered and Peter didn’t know true suffering until he met Neal. He softened himself because he fell in honest love with that man.”

“And I’m so very proud of him,” Hannah said. “I feel awful, thinking that everything I said to Neal might have driven them both away. Not only would I lose my son, but I’d lose my son-in-law as well as my grandchildren.” She laughed lightly and said, “Saying that Neal is my son-in-law feels wrong, impersonal. How is it that I feel so close to him when Cara’s husband has been in our lives so much longer?”

Jon sighed quietly, whispering, “Because he’s the boy Peter needed. You know as well as I do that Peter lived his whole life in fear, wondering when we’d figure it out and if we’d kick him out.” He shook his head. “Stubborn little shit. If he’d told me he wasn’t happy with Elizabeth and admitted that he’s gay, I would have embraced it back then. I wish he didn’t feel like he needed to lie to us.”

Nodding, Hannah said, “I know what you mean. I’ve thought about that a lot. Did we do something wrong that made him afraid to be who he is?”

“I don’t think it was anything wrong, per se, but I don’t think we properly encouraged him. Neither of us believed he was gay nor did we expect it. We never talked about homosexuality with him and he grew up in a time that didn’t embrace it as warmly as it is becoming presently.” He watched Peter, watched him gaze at Neal like he was truly in love. Peter was very good at controlling his feelings for Neal now that he had to, but his love was still there in full capacity. Peter wasn’t giving up on their love and Jon was proud of him for that. “I regret not talking to him about it. I look back over the years and wonder if there ever was a time when Peter tried to open up about it…”

Both of them thought long and hard over that as they watched their sons and grandchildren. “He did try,” Hannah whispered, sounding surprised. “Do you remember when he asked why men are attracted to men?”

Jon nodded. “You answered that.”

Hannah swallowed hard and whispered, “I told him it was a sinful kind of love. I told my sixteen year old baby that his heart was sinful without realizing it…” Jon watched her now, waiting for her to cry. She loves Peter very much. He’s the baby and Hannah spent more time with him than she had with Cara, which is partly why Cara took off at such an early age to marry and have children of her own. She allowed a few tears to slip down her cheeks and Jon kissed her hair. “That’s my baby boy and I told him that his heart was wrong. I made him marry El.”

“You didn’t make him do anything,” Jon said quietly. He didn’t want to blame his wife for Peter’s extended stay in the closet, but he realized that what she said probably discouraged Peter from coming out. He knew he wasn’t much better. He hadn’t even spoken to Peter about the possibility of being gay. If Peter had ever asked him, he certainly would’ve sat Peter down and discussed it with him, but Peter never came to him. Peter was always too afraid of what his father would say or think. Jon realized that when he first met Neal. Neal thanked him for treating Peter fairly, admitting that Peter was afraid of his reaction.

“If I’d told him something else, something positive…”

Jon shook his head. “Han, look at him now. He’s not unhappy. He’s got the man of his dreams right there beside him and they have three beautiful babies together.” He squeezed Hannah gently. “He’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him and he was brave enough to come out during the holiday six years ago.” He shook his head again and laughed, kissing her hair. “I can’t believe it’s been six years. That boy’s been in our lives for six years and he’s made Peter happier than anyone ever could before.”

They both knew that was the truth. Peter hadn’t looked nearly as happy with Elizabeth. He loved her for the woman she is, but he didn’t love her for being his wife. “They were happy before they even got together.” The two adults turned a little to look at their grandson. Hannah put her arm out and Nicky moved closer to hug her, too. “I remember when I met poppa for the first time. He smiled at me and I could see that he liked me. He brought dad to my school and was there for dad when he was upset.”

Hannah stroked Nicky’s hair, smiling at the teenager. “You’re as beautiful as your daddy, sweetheart.”

Nicky grinned up at her and his grandpa, adding, “I learned from the best daddy ever.”

Peter was playing with his husband and their twins, making the twins walk back and forth between them. Every time they crashed against Neal’s chest, they giggled and Neal couldn’t help how happy the toddlers made him. He laughed, holding his daughter in his arms. She reached up to mess with his jaw and he just smiled down at her. He spoke to her, called her his princess, and Peter’s heart melted all over again.

•◊•

Peter and Neal eventually brought the twins back into the house and set up shop in the living room to continue playing. There was a slight chill coming on outside and they didn’t want the babies to get cold.

Neal laid on his stomach and messed with Brie’s feet, grinning at her when she giggled. She playfully kicked his hands while Peter just watched. Joey began to whine, unhappy with the lack of attention he was getting from his daddy. He crawled over to Neal and was able to mount his back, sitting on him. “Am I your horsey now, baby boy?” He pushed himself up and slid one of his arms back, holding onto Joey with one arm, loving the way his son laughed. Joey was enjoying the little ride Neal was giving him and Peter just sat there in silence, absolutely awed.

That was his Neal. That was Joey’s daddy. “Dada!” Joey cried gleefully. Brie was trying to get herself up from the floor using the coffee table while Joey slumped forward on Neal’s back, grabbing the back of his shirt collar.

Joey kept giggling and drooled on Neal as well. Peter laughed as he watched his husband. He knew Neal could sink back into fatherhood fairly easily. “Hey. How about you jump on your poppa a little?”

Peter chuckled and shifted forward when Neal stopped in front of him. “Back hurting, old man?” Peter teased. Neal smiled wryly at the older man when he pulled Joey into his arms. Peter’s eyes watered when Neal’s grin was wider. Neal’s eyes were lit up and he made a few faces at Joey just to hear their little boy laugh again. “You’re so beautiful,” Peter said unprecedentedly.

Neal’s eyes shifted to meet Peter’s and his smile became softer, something more appreciative and full of adoration. He was now on his knees in front of Peter and proceeded to give him a gentle kiss, whispering, “I love you.” He turned momentarily, holding his hand out for Brie when she came closer. She grabbed his fingers and he guided her towards them. “That wasn’t as hard as I thought it’d be—and I had a lot of fun, honestly.”

The younger man could see that Peter loved him even though Peter didn’t say it aloud. “I could tell,” Peter said, chuckling. “They had fun with you, too.”

The four of them calmed down when Nicky announced that he was picking out a movie to watch. Hannah and Jon sat on one couch, curled up together, and Nicky was planning on sitting on the other end of their couch. Neal and Peter were on the other couch with the twins, holding one in their lap each. Neal’s legs were crossed on the couch and Peter glanced at him sideways, watching him silently. He’d taken Joey back into his arms because Joey wanted to be held by his daddy. “Relax, little guy,” Neal murmured when Joey began to bounce on his lap. Peter smiled as Neal pressed gentle kisses against their son’s head.

When Neal straightened up, holding Joey close, Peter tentatively draped his arm over Neal’s shoulders. He wasn’t entirely sure if the gesture would be welcome, but he should’ve guessed that it’d be just fine with Neal. Neal was craving this kind of attention from Peter. Now that he’d been able to admit to himself as well as Peter that he’s in love with Peter, he wants Peter to touch him intimately, to kiss him, to respond in kind to his declarations of love. He was happy because he was being honest, because he’d fallen in love with his husband.

“My beautiful man,” he whispered, kissing Neal’s temple. Neal smiled and leaned against Peter, appreciating that the older man thinks he’s beautiful. After seeing his own scars, he didn’t exactly agree with his husband, but Peter made him realize that his beauty wasn’t only skin-deep.

A short while later, the movie ended and everyone was heading to bed. Peter and Neal put the twins into their beds and then they both went into Nicky’s room to say good night to the teenager. After they said their good nights to Peter’s parents, they went into their bedroom together and Peter was trying desperately to hide his erection. Neal was changing into comfortable clothing to sleep in, so his chest was bared at the moment. His chest, his stomach, his hips… Peter wanted to sink to his knees in front of his husband just to plant kisses all over his warm skin. He knew Neal disliked a submissive Peter, but that had been the side of Neal who wanted stronger men to protect him and ended up being abused by them. Peter is his protector even though Peter felt like he’d failed Neal on several occasions. However, Neal didn’t remember the abuse or the rapes… Perhaps he’d be okay with a little submission every now and then on Peter’s part. Peter certainly didn’t mind. He’d do anything for Neal.

Neal’s quiet chuckle brought Peter out of his thoughts and he raised an eyebrow in question before realizing where Neal’s eyes were focused. Peter’s face flushed and he put his hand over his lap. Neal was looking right at his erection. The bulge in his pants was very prominent and it didn’t help that Peter was thinking about submitting himself to Neal. “I think it’s hot,” Neal said softly. “There’s no reason to be ashamed of what you and your body is feeling. In fact, I’m actually very flattered.” He bit his lip and met Peter’s eyes, whispering, “Assuming that’s because of me…”

“I… Yes. Neal, you’re the only man who’s ever made me…hard…at any given moment. Hell, the only person alive, honestly.” Neal blushed, something Peter was growing to love more and more. Despite what Neal went through at the brothel, he wasn’t letting it pull him down. He wanted to have sex with Peter, but he didn’t want to pressure Peter because Peter would think he’d pressured Neal. Neal promised himself and Peter that he would wait until they were both ready to make love to each other. If it was meant to happen, it would happen on its own time. He just wanted it so badly at times. Seeing Peter’s erection made him eager for more between them. “You make me really happy.”

The younger man was about to grab a shirt, but he hesitated. “You make me really happy, too,” he said quietly. He decided he was going to test some limits Peter had for them at the moment. Things were okay between them. They were sleeping together, making out, kissing sweetly, holding hands… They cuddled during movies and were sitting together at the dinner table again. Thinking ‘to hell with it,’ he went straight to the bed shirtless. Peter looked like he couldn’t breathe and Neal was afraid of that reaction. He couldn’t read Peter. He didn’t know how to.

In the brothel, he’d always been on his hands and knees, turned away from the man penetrating him. He didn’t know what real passion or lust looked like because he hadn’t seen it. He saw the way the men looked at him, thinking he was food of some sort. He wasn’t a man, a partner, a lover in that awful place. He’d simply been used for their entertainment—a hole to use to get themselves off.

It didn’t really bother Neal as much as he felt that it should’ve. At the time, Rachel had been his rock, promising that it’d all be over soon. The pain would eventually end, but it would be compounded with more pain before the pain could vanish completely. He wanted to know what it looked like when someone truly loved him, truly wanted him for him rather than his warm body. He wanted to know how Peter looked at him while they made love together.

Peter stared up at him and Neal was frozen in his fear, wondering if this had been a bad choice. “Don’t do this…” Peter whispered. There was desire, love, and need in his eyes, but he was trying not to go too far. He didn’t want to go too far and Neal admired that as much as he was frustrated by it. “Please.”

Neal’s brows furrowed. He didn’t understand. He was trying to, but he really didn’t know why Peter kept rejecting him like this. They’d kiss, sleep in the same bed, and show other displays of affection, yet Peter couldn’t even handle him being shirtless within close proximity? “Are you disgusted with my body or something?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Peter’s eyes widened as he stammered an answer, but Neal waved it off, forcing a smile. “I’m just kidding.” He turned away and tried to stay relaxed. Peter would know if he were tense and he didn’t want to upset Peter.

He pulled a shirt on and closed his eyes for a moment, patting his shirt as though he were smoothing out any creases in the fabric. He felt like a child every time he tried to figure Peter out. He didn’t understand, but he wished he did. Peter wants to love him… Doesn’t he? “Are you okay?” Peter asked quietly.

“Yep!” He knew he sound way too eager considering Peter just turned him down. He wasn’t asking for sex or anything like that, but he wanted to be close to Peter—closer to Peter. Turning, he grinned at his husband and quickly crawled into bed, laying on his side with his back to Peter. Peter immediately knew something was wrong because Neal hadn’t slept like that in months. He liked curling up against Peter rather than having Peter curl up behind him. “Good night, Peter.”

Neal reached up to turn off the lamp on his nightstand and Peter reached over, stopping him. “What’s wrong?” He sounded concerned, which made Neal feel guilty. “Did I hurt you? I mean… Honey… You know I love all of you. There’s nothing wrong with your body.” He stroked Neal’s bicep, whispering, “I love your body.”

The younger man wanted to pretend he didn’t hear Peter, but he knew it wasn’t that easy. “I’m fine, Peter. Just really tired all of a sudden.”

“You know, even after almost six years, you are still a terrible liar.” Neal frowned, rolling onto his back when Peter gently tugged on his arm. “You can talk to me, Neal. I don’t want you to pretend you’re fine if you’re not and I know when you’re trying to pretend.”

Neal shook his head. “You wouldn’t know if I were pretending or not. I’m not him.” Peter’s lips parted and the pain set into his eyes as he kept them on Neal. He could see the resentment building up in Neal before Neal even felt it. “I’m accepting the fact that he and I are different people.” He turned over onto his side again, hugging his pillow tightly. It made him feel even more childish, but he didn’t know what to do. “He’s predictable and lovable and I’m…not.”

Peter didn’t mean to sound so angry as he said, “I wish you’d stop telling yourself that you’re two separate beings,” but he couldn’t get rid of the edge in his voice. He was tired of Neal feeling like he wasn’t what Peter wanted, what their kids wanted. He’s been trying to convince Neal that he truly loves him no matter what and it just wouldn’t sink in with Neal. “You are still my Neal and you always have been. There’s only one of you and you’re my Neal.” The younger man considered apologizing, but threw the blanket back instead. He slid out of bed, hearing, “Neal?” as he left the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

He went downstairs to be alone and stopped in front of the mirror in the dining room on his way to the kitchen. He stared at himself and saw someone who didn’t belong, someone who’d never fit into the Burke family. He rolled his sleeves up and moved closer to the mirror, staring at his arms. He could see little scars scattered over his skin. It disgusted him, knowing his body wasn’t perfect. He wanted to be perfect—especially for Peter. What he did next made his eyes water. He touched his throat, lifting his head enough to bare it in front of the mirror and he traced the scars under his jaw. He could feel rope burning against his skin and he knew it was a phantom feeling. “How the fuck did you survive this?” he whispered to what he assumed was the ‘other Neal.’

All of the scars on his skin began to piss him off. It was no wonder Peter didn’t want to see him without his clothes on. “Neal?” Peter whispered, coming into the dining room tentatively. He saw Neal in front of the mirror and had the feeling that Neal was going to shatter it in a matter of moments. “Baby, don’t. Don’t.”

Neal turned enough to look over his shoulder, frowning. “Why?”

“Why what, honey?”

“Is this why you want me covered up?” he asked, covering his throat with his fingers.

Peter looked so pained as he shook his head. “No, baby. I-I…” He stepped closer to Neal and Neal didn’t move. He wanted Peter to give him an explanation, make him understand. “Listen to me, okay? You’re so beautiful, gorgeous, handsome… You’re a lot of wonderful things inside and out, Neal. I just… We… We need to take this slowly.” Neal frowned. That wasn’t helping anything. “I love you. I do. I’m not trying to persuade you that I’m not in love with you. That would be an absolute lie.”

Neal’s brows furrowed as he lowered his hand and asked, “Then what is it? Why am I not allowed to go to sleep shirtless? Do you just not want to look at me because—?”

“I don’t want to take advantage of you,” Peter said fiercely, closing his eyes. “I w-want… I want to make love with you so badly, but I know it’s wrong because we aren’t in the right stage of our relationship to…do it.” He opened his eyes then and saw a fraction of understanding dawn on Neal. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re expected to get into bed and let me have my way with you. No, that’s never been us. I love you too much to just…grab you out of the blue and throw you down onto our bed.”

“I’m your husband. Isn’t that what married couples do?”

“Not when one of the husbands lost his memory,” he growled. He was upset with the fact that Rachel hurt Neal so terribly and Neal didn’t even realize it at first. He wasn’t upset with Neal, but Neal naturally went right to that belief. He lowered his gaze, looking as though he wouldn’t make eye contact with Peter unless Peter demanded it from him. “Making love with you now would essentially be raping you. You don’t know any better, Neal. You—”

Neal’s head snapped up and stared at him in disbelief. “I honestly thought we stood on equal ground!” he cried out. “Now you’re back to being the know-it-all and I’m the dumbass. I don’t have a brain, right? I can’t think my own thoughts? I can’t want to make love with you, too?” He shook his head and growled, “I wish I could tell you to go fuck yourself, but I love you and I don’t mean it. I’m not an idiot, Peter, but you’re certainly acting like one.”

Peter gaped at him. “Honey, I—”

“It’s always ‘honey’ or ‘baby,’ yet you can’t speak to me like your ‘honey’ or ‘baby.’ I’m just some brainless fool who only wants sex because you found me in a brothel, right? Am I right, Peter?” Peter was silent. “Tell me. Am I right? Am I just some sexually active idiot in your opinion?”

“No,” Peter whispered.

Neal sighed in frustration. “When are you going to treat me like an adult? I can form coherent thoughts and sentences as well as comprehend what everyone around me is saying—for the most part. I ask questions, you answer them, and everything is clearer.” He was rubbing his wedding ring nervously, feeling like he was going to say something that made Peter snap, that made Peter want to leave him and never come back. “You’ve helped me understand the life I had. I’m trying to go back to it, but you don’t understand how hard it is. If I push myself too hard, I feel like my skull is splitting open, Peter. You didn’t know that, did you? You just assume it’s a major headache because I can’t handle the pressure, don’t you?”

“I never said that…”

“You never—” He stopped dead right there and shook his head. “You know, there’s really no point in arguing. Your Neal isn’t coming back completely no matter how hard I try. If you don’t want me this way, get rid of me. I’m sick of you looking at me like I’m dysfunctional, like I’m incapable of making my own decisions.”

Peter frowned and whispered, “My Neal is right in front of me. He’s the smartest man I know. He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. He’s the only man I’ve ever met who made my heart pound insanely.” He stepped closer to the younger man, telling him, “You’re my Neal. I don’t give a damn if you lost things and can never get them back. Nothing can change the fact that you’re mine.” Neal shivered when Peter’s hands rested on his biceps. “You’ve been mine since I found you. There’s nothing about you that makes me think ‘dysfunctional’ or ‘brainless.’ You’re still a very perceptive, brilliant man.” Neal turned his face away and was going to protest, but Peter gently rested his hands on both sides of Neal’s face, guiding it until their eyes were locked. “You’re my everything. _Everything._ I would have nothing if not for you. _You,_ the man right here in front of me.”

Neal closed his eyes and bowed his head. “I want to be him.”

The older man shook Neal. It wasn’t enough to cause any pain or damage of some sort. It was just meant to get his attention. “You are him, damn it. You’re my Neal. Stop doing this to yourself. You’re inflicting pain on me, our son, and my parents by telling us you’re trying to be ‘him.’ You’re already him. The only person you’re hurting the most is yourself, Neal.” He kissed Neal’s forehead and whispered, “You’re hurting yourself. You’re trying to be someone else, someone you think we want you to be. I have never wanted you to change yourself for me or for any other reason. Don’t you dare do this now.”

“But—”

Peter shook his head. “Nothing differentiates you from the man you were before I found you in that brothel. My love for you hasn’t changed one bit.” Neal frowned then, feeling like Peter was lying to him to make him feel better. “Neal, I love you with all of my heart and soul—just like I did before.” He tentatively slid his arms around Neal, pulling him close for a hug. “You are the only man I have ever loved, the only man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Please, Neal…”

Neal rested his head on Peter’s shoulder, closing his eyes. He could feel Peter’s fingers on his back and it was then that he realized Peter’s fingers were tracing the scar on his back—a scar Peter knew well enough to remember. “I love you,” Neal whispered. “I only want to love you.”

“Then, please, be patient. I promise you that we will make love together someday, okay? It’s just… It’s not the right time, honey.” He kissed Neal’s neck gently, whispering, “We’ll know when the time is right. I’m not rejecting you, sweetheart. I just don’t want to take advantage of you. Even though you…” He trailed off, rethinking that statement. “You’re still so innocent, Neal. I don’t want to hurt you by taking you in to our bedroom to make love to you. It wouldn’t feel…right.”

Peter was relieved when Neal nodded against his shoulder. “Okay, Peter. I’ll wait.” He squeezed Peter gently. “You’ll tell me when it’s the right time?”

Chuckling, Peter said, “We’ll know when the time is right.” He knew they’d figure it out in time. He and Neal were generally very good at doing things at the right moment. For example, Peter’s proposal. Not only did he pick a moment when Neal was in a wonderful mood, but he chose a moment when Neal would certainly say yes. Neal was happy and the proposal falling on New Year’s made things better. It was a proposal, a promise, a new beginning. He told Neal that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Neal that day and he’d always remember it.

It dawned on him then that Michael had recorded the proposal on a camera. He wondered if Michael still had that recording. Perhaps showing it to Neal would spark that memory. He’d ask about it and then wait for a moment to show it to Neal. “Can I still…sleep in the same bed with you?” Neal asked, sounding so small, so nervous and unsure.

“Of course,” Peter said instantly. He kissed Neal’s throat, pressing quick, gentle kisses on scars scattered beneath Neal’s jaw. “I love you. There’s no reason for us to sleep apart now that you feel the same way about me.”

Neal smiled a little and backed off to look at Peter’s face. “I love you so much.” And he does. His heart skipped a few beats when Peter smiled at him in return. He’s so grateful to have Peter’s love. “I’m sorry that I keep causing problems between us…” he whispered, giving his husband an apologetic look.

Peter waved it off, lifting his hand to caress the right side of Neal’s face. He gently rubbed his wedding ring on Neal’s cheekbone, a silent way of declaring that Neal is his. He’d done it during their lovemaking before, rubbing his ring over Neal’s skin. Neal liked it then—and apparently did now as well. Neal nuzzled the ring and Peter knew it was the ring, not only his hand. “You’re never the problem,” Peter whispered to him. “We’ll always be okay in the end. I know everything is frustrating you, honey, and I wish I could say that I understand, but I don’t.” He looked apologetic now and Neal didn’t like seeing his husband that way. He didn’t blame Peter for what happened to him, but Peter blamed himself. He felt like he could’ve saved Neal, but Neal knew there was nothing Peter could’ve done. “I love you, Neal George. I’m thankful for you, for the fact that you’re still alive.”

“Even though I’m only a quarter of the person I was before?”

The older man gave him a sad smile. “I love you no matter what you are. You don’t look like you’re a quarter of yourself. To me, you’re my whole Neal.” He rested his free hand on Neal’s hip and rubbed gently. “I watched you with the twins. You were their daddy, Neal. I don’t know if you realized it or not, but you played with them and enjoyed it—just like you did before.”

Neal’s eyes lit up. “Really? Just like before?”

“Yes, my love. You were just as happy, just as playful. I love seeing you like that. Your inner daddy showed.” Neal looked so thrilled because he hadn’t realized that. He was just being himself when he was playing with the twins. “Take strength in that,” Peter whispered to him. “You are slowly becoming your old self without even realizing it. The man I’m looking at right now is the same man I’ve loved since the day I met him.” They stared at each other in silence and both were hesitant to initiate a kiss, but they eventually worked their way into it.

Moments like this, Peter desperately wanted to lift Neal up and take him while holding him against the wall. He’d done it a few times—both in the bedroom and their shower. Neal loved it. “Thank you,” Neal whispered against Peter’s lips. Peter’s hands were pressed against Neal’s back, wanting so desperately to grab Neal’s ass. Had they not been discussing this or brought attention to Peter’s erection, he might be able to resist a little easier. With Neal this close, this warm, this beautiful…

“You’re welcome,” Peter said softly in return, sliding his hands up Neal’s back so as not to lose himself in his neediness. He’d waited for Neal before and he could do it again. Waiting for Neal to recover from the physical and psychological trauma he’d experienced was never an issue for Peter. He just wanted to be there to support his husband. Now, Neal may not have experienced rape in the same way he’d experienced it before—because he didn’t realize he’d been brutally raped—, but it was the same in Peter’s mind. Neal, essentially, was raped by Rachel and all of the other men and women who’d used Neal. It didn’t harm Neal as much because it wasn’t as awful, as frightening. Neal believed he’d been safe at the time.

He just held Neal and breathed him in, wishing he could help Neal more than he presently was. Neal didn’t deserve all of this suffering—even if it wasn’t as bad now. Neal was easily frustrated, easily angered, and Peter blamed himself for those emotional outbursts. Neal pleaded with him a few times, begging him not to blame himself because he didn’t think Peter was responsible. It wasn’t like Peter tied him down to the table and shocked him. Peter wished Neal would just accept that he was to blame for Neal’s loss of memory. If he’d done anything different, something better… Maybe Neal would still be okay.

“Stop thinking,” Neal whispered. He pressed his face into the crook of Peter’s neck and planted gentle kisses against his warm skin. “I love you. Don’t upset yourself… You-You… You still have…me.” He didn’t like admitting that he and the ‘other Neal’ are the same person because he felt like they were completely different people. “You’ll always have me,” he said softly. No matter what happened between them, he didn’t want to leave Peter—or to make Peter leave him.

Peter relaxed, telling himself that Neal was sincere, that Neal wouldn’t walk away from him—or run away. Either way, he didn’t want to lose the man of his dreams. He wasn’t kidding when he told Neal that Neal is everything to him. He’d kill for Neal. The second he saw Rachel again, he’d kill her for doing what she did to Neal. Neal had killed Vincent when they found him, so Peter hadn’t been able to satisfy his need to end the bastard’s life himself for causing Neal so much pain and grief. However, Peter was the one to kill Craig and he took great pleasure in knowing that the man who’d hurt Neal the most was the one he’d rid them all of permanently.

“Okay, baby,” he said quietly, kissing Neal’s cheek. He knew he needed to stop drifting back into the past. Neal didn’t remember it and he didn’t want to dwell on it and bring Neal down. Things were okay now. Neal was…different. He’s stronger than he was before and Peter really admired that. He didn’t understand how Neal had gone from being an emotional wreck to being someone who seemed so emotionally detached from everything that happened to him. Except for his feelings for Peter. He felt those and admitted to those, but he couldn’t feel what he’d felt before. He couldn’t feel the pain he’d endured, the betrayal of his mother, the loss of his father… Someday, it might all come rushing back and hurt him severely—just like his nightmares. But Peter would be right there beside him.

Knowing that Neal’s love for him was now genuine, he knew they’d be perfectly fine. Neal trusts him, loves him, and wants to be with him. As they’d always done in the past, they’d get through this together. Neal would get his life back even if it wasn’t completely the same. Peter was grateful for the fact that he’d have the chance to rebuild his life with Neal rather than to be forced to live without him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter still has to reassure Neal and clear things up sometimes.

Working at the bureau felt so…tedious and dissatisfying. Peter just didn’t like working without Neal at his side. Despite everything Neal went through, he was an excellent agent. He was there for Peter to cover him, to help him, and Peter wasn’t so sure that he trusted anyone else like he trusted Neal. Neal would never allow someone the opportunity to harm Peter if he were right there, but Peter knew Neal couldn’t come back to the bureau. As much as he’d love to tell Neal that the FBI is where he belongs, he knew he couldn’t put that pressure on Neal. Neal would have to relearn everything, work his way up the chain again. Peter didn’t want that for him. He just didn’t know what else he could have Neal do.

He didn’t like the thought of allowing Neal to work where no one—he or his parents included—could protect Neal. With Rachel out and about without a trace, Peter worried that she’d find him and abduct him again. God only knows what she’d do to him. On the flipside, Neal was getting tired of being treated like an invalid. He keeps telling Peter that he’s capable of working. He just doesn’t know what kind of job he’s capable of doing. Peter doesn’t know either. He isn’t in Neal’s mind to see what he has in there…

“Hey, boss.” Peter glanced up at Diana. “How’re you doing? Everything with Neal okay?”

Sighing, he said, “I’m all right. Neal’s…Neal.” Being a Monday morning, he was exhausted. He and Neal argued because Neal was frustrated with everything and he gave himself a migraine that Peter tried to help. Causing a major issue made Neal’s head hurt just as much as it did when he was trying to force progress. “Our anniversary is in a couple weeks and I don’t know if he’s going to want to celebrate with me like he said he did. With how many problems I’ve caused lately, I don’t know what he’s feeling.”

She nodded, stopping in front of his desk. “What’re you going to do with him? I mean, there are homes he can—”

“I’m _not_ kicking him out of our home,” Peter snarled. “He can argue with me all he wants and I won’t kick him out. I love him too much to put him somewhere he doesn’t want to be.” Diana paled a bit and Peter realized he’d just lashed out verbally. Neal kept arguing that he was worthless, that Peter should just stuff him somewhere so he doesn’t have to deal with him. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, sighing again. “He’s just… I don’t want to lose him again.”

In that moment, his phone buzzed. He asked his family not to text him unless there was an emergency, issue with Neal, or some kind of concern. Checking it, he read, “ _Neal’s gone,_ ” which was sent by his mother.

Peter gasped and got up quickly. “I need a BOLO put out for Neal. He’s not with my parents.” Diana nodded as Peter went into a panic. He texted his mom, asking, “Did he hint at leaving? Was it forced or voluntary?”

She texted him back a few minutes later. “ _He didn’t say a word about leaving. I never heard anything. I’m so sorry, Peter._ ”

Every possible scenario ran through his mind then, wondering if Neal had gotten himself killed or if Rachel had him again. He didn’t know how long Neal had been gone, but anything could happen to him in that amount of time. He went out into the bullpen and was about to start throwing orders around. They all knew Neal was back, but most of them believed Neal was away for recovery. They didn’t know about his memory loss, the brain damage.

“Agent Burke,” a soft voice said. Peter glanced down at her as she came through the glass doors and Neal followed her through.

Peter’s breath hitched as he went down the stairs and raced through the bullpen, immediately pulling his husband into a tight hug, sighing in relief. “Dear God, Neal. I’m glad you’re okay.” Neal wasn’t touching him and that concerned Peter. He backed off and saw confusion in Neal’s eyes. “Mom texted me and—” He glanced down at Neal’s left hand and saw a small bouquet of roses. “What’s this?”

“Um,” Neal whispered, sounding nervous. “For…you.” He held them out towards Peter and Peter took them, smiling at the younger man. “I felt bad about everything I said to you last night.”

The older man thought that was really sweet. His panic was forgotten now and Diana was taking the BOLO off of Neal now that they knew where he was. She understood Peter’s reaction. If Elizabeth lost her memory like Neal did and ended up going missing at random, she’d probably throw one on her, too. Peter, being Peter, has always been overly protective of his loved ones—and he _really_ loves his family. “Thanks, sweetheart,” Peter said softly. Neal looked really uncomfortable and Peter understood. “Thanks, Jess, for showing him up,” he said to the agent who brought Neal in. “Hon, do you want to come sit with me in my office for a little bit?” Neal nodded silently, taking Peter’s hand. He felt like he didn’t belong in this building, but he knew he’d worked here with Peter before.

Peter led Neal up to his office and shut the door to give them a little privacy. “Why were you so…concerned?” Neal asked tentatively as he took a seat in front of Peter’s desk.

“Mom texted me and said you were gone. I kind of panicked and was about to prep a few teams to find you.” He gave Neal a small smile and Neal returned it. “I love the roses, baby, but I hope you know that I’m not upset with you. I know you’re frustrated and I honestly wish I could do something to help…”

Neal shook his head, sighing. “It isn’t your fault. You know that.” Peter began to say something, but Neal cut him off. “I love you. I know you love me. Because you love me, I know you didn’t do this—and don’t you dare start with that ‘I could have done something’ mantra.” He rubbed his temple and that concerned Peter. “I may not remember all that happened, but I’d never blame you. After living with you over the last couple weeks—months… I know you’re not the kind of man who savors someone’s suffering. Not that I’m particularly suffering per se, but I know I’ve lost a lot and it’s upsetting because I want to be myself again.”

The older man truly wished there was something he could do for his husband. “You know I’m going to be right beside you through it all,” Peter promised him. “No matter what happens, I’m not leaving you—and I’m certainly not letting you leave me, honey.” Neal’s smile was both sad and crooked. Peter could see the misery in his eyes. Yes, Neal is happy to be with his family and he’s learning how to interact with everyone again, but he was still miserable. Losing your memory will do that to you though. “How did you know to come here? I’m only asking out of curiosity. I do love that you came in, but I just… You didn’t tell anyone where you were going and I know you aren’t using your cell phone.”

“I can’t. I don’t want to look at things or read them and get myself even more frustrated because I don’t know what any of it is.” That was a great deflection in Peter’s opinion. He didn’t even attempt to answer the first question, which bothered Peter a great deal. Neal seemed to know that Peter wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily even if he didn’t demand an answer. “I wanted to surprise you… I used your phone to look up the location and took a taxi.” Peter raised an eyebrow. “I know how to drive. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to drive when I don’t remember where anything is. I haven’t left the house much.”

Peter nodded and said, “You’ve always been very sweet. I love the roses, Neal, so thank you. Seeing you is definitely a pleasant surprise.” Despite the heart attack, he was happy to see his husband. He watched Neal bow his head and mess with his wrist. Having Neal in casual clothes in the bureau was pretty different. He was so used to Neal wearing suits here. It didn’t really register with him that Neal could probably never work for the FBI again. Even if he redid all of his learning and training, it would probably bore Neal to death—or frustrate him. Peter would have to see if he could help Neal figure out some kind of job for himself. If they could find him a job near the bureau building with similar hours, Peter would be okay with it… “Is something on your mind?” he asked, noticing that Neal looked a little upset.

Neal shrugged and Peter stood up. Neal was slumped forward a little. Peter really didn’t like seeing his husband upset. It always made his heart ache. He loves when Neal laughs, when Neal smiles. Watching him frown so much is physically painful for Peter. “I just… Nothing. Never mind.”

Rounding his desk to sit on the edge near the younger man, Peter gently touched his jaw and waited until Neal lifted his head to look up at him. “Don’t hide,” Peter pleaded softly. “You don’t have to be alone, Neal. If you choose to be, you’ll truly suffer… I am here for you. I will always be right here for you.”

“I woke up after you left for work,” Neal whispered. He gently nuzzled his face against Peter’s hand and gave him a pained look. “I wanted to go with you. Mom and dad made breakfast and asked me to come eat with everybody… I snuck out.” Peter chuckled quietly, which flustered Neal. His face heated up and he felt embarrassed, like he’d made a mistake by going to Peter’s workplace—the place that had been his own workplace before. “I should just go home...”

“No, no, no,” Peter said hurriedly. “I love that you’re here.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s cheekbone, smiling softly at him. Neal had that look in his eyes, the look he’d given Peter when he’d been afraid of Peter and was planning on leaving for the night. That’d been the day Neal saw Keller on his own and was afraid to admit it to Peter, who proceeded to yell at Neal until Nicky interceded to protect Neal from Peter. He hated thinking about that moment because he’d never seen Neal so afraid of him prior to that night. “I can probably take you home if you want me to,” he offered instead, feeling like he owed Neal the opportunity to make his own decision.

Neal looked like he was giving it some thought before shrugging. “If you’re okay with me being here, I kind of want to stay.”

Peter nodded. “I don’t mind at all, honey.” He gave Neal a regretful look though. “I’d love to just focus on you, but I have a few reports I need to work on, unfortunately.”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry,” he stammered.

Rolling his eyes, Peter kissed Neal’s forehead before stroking his hair gently. “Don’t be sorry. I’ve always told you that you’re the best kind of distraction. I love you dearly and I will take you out to lunch when I’m done.” Seeing the small smile spread across Neal’s face was beautiful. “How does that sound, my love?”

Neal chuckled and nodded. “I’d like that very much.”

“Wonderful,” Peter said softly. He rounded the desk and went to sit on the other side of Neal where all of his files and such were. He had things he needed to sign, reports to fill out, as well as a lot of other paperwork he hadn’t worked on since he’d taken so much time off to spend with Neal. In August, he was planning on taking a full week or two off with Neal just so they could have time to themselves like his father suggested. Neal wasn’t aware of it yet and Nicky loved the idea. Part of him wondered if Nicky was okay with that long of a separation because he knew Neal wasn’t suffering emotionally without him. Without entirely remembering what he and Nicky went through, Neal found life a whole lot less miserable.

About five minutes into working on his paperwork, Peter glanced up. Neal found a paperclip in the little glass on Peter’s desk and he was playing with it. Amused, Peter smiled at him. Neal wasn’t looking at him, too intent on what he was doing to the paperclip. Peter loved it and quickly reached into his suit without Neal seeing and managed to have enough time to take a picture of Neal. He looked so much like a child and Peter always loved seeing that side of Neal.

It was the carefree, beautiful side of Neal. When he was younger, he hadn’t had the opportunity to act like a kid very long. Even though he didn’t remember that part of his life, Neal still acted so much like a kid at times. Moments like this, he wanted to remember. Like all of the times they’d played with Nicky or the twins.

When it was just the two of them and Nicky, they’d played a lot more. Probably because there was only one kid to keep track of. Neal loved rolling around in the grass with Nicky and it was obviously something he’d done prior to Peter coming into their lives because Nicky and Neal just looked so natural, so free, while they rolled around until they finally relaxed beside each other—or with Nicky resting his head on Neal’s chest.

Peter wanted to be just like Neal, but he hadn’t had almost a decade alone with a child the way Neal did. He still felt like the most awkward father ever, but Nicky played with him, too. He and Peter may not roll around in the grass together, but they played ball and Peter chased after Nicky when Nicky teased him and ran off, begging to be chased.

Watching Neal and being able to remember every moment he’d spent with Neal and Nicky made his heart swell. He loves them so much and couldn’t imagine what his life would be like if he’d never fallen in love with the two of them. Nicky just treated Peter like his father from the start and Peter admired that in the boy. He’d only been about nine years old when Peter met him, but he still brought Peter right into the mix of things to make him feel like they were all family.

Fast forward six years later, he loved watching Neal play with the twins as well as their teenage son. Neal hadn’t been doing it much lately, but he was learning to let that side of him just take over again. Encouraging Neal seemed to help, too. Neal acted like their toddlers when he played with them and it was just the cutest thing.

“Um, Peter?” Neal whispered, snapping Peter back to reality. He looked like he was uncomfortable and Peter figured he’d been staring at Neal far too long after he’d snuck in a picture of Neal.

“Sorry, hon.” He blushed a little, having been caught staring by his husband. Glancing down at his desk for a moment, he shook his head and lifted his gaze to meet Neal’s eyes. “No. I’m not sorry. You’re just the most gorgeous man I have ever laid eyes on and I’m so lucky every time I look at you.” A blush began to creep across Neal’s cheeks then and Peter felt that it was definitely worth seeing. “I was watching you play with the paperclip and it reminded me of all the times I’ve watched you play with the kids. I love it, Neal. I love _you._ ”

Neal smiled softly, the blush on his face darkening slightly. “I love you,” he whispered. “Thank you, Peter. I mean, I wish I remembered what you remember, but it’s nice to know that I can still act the same.”

“I’d like to think I know you better than anyone,” Peter said gently. “I love seeing your playful side. Whether you’re with the kids or—hell, with me—you are just beautiful.”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal asked, “We’ve played?”

Peter chuckled and nodded. “Yeah. We have before. You liked when I’d tickle you or kiss you all over… Your laugh is music to my ears, Neal. I’d do anything to make you laugh.” He just smiled at his husband. “We’ve rolled around in bed and we’ve actually rolled off of the bed a couple times in the past.” Neal looked like he loved hearing about this and Peter just hoped it wasn’t Neal’s way of thinking they were going to be having sex if they started rolling around in bed together. Yes, he would love to make love to Neal again, but there was plenty of time for that later on.

“Do you think we could do that again sometime?” Neal looked innocent enough, so Peter wasn’t sure how to answer him. “I mean, I assume we were having sex, but I’m just… That isn’t what I’m asking for.” He looked away and closed his eyes. “I either sound like a child or an idiot.”

“Yes, Neal. Sometime. Not right now, but sometime.” Neal looked at him again, his eyes slightly widened. “I miss playing with you. You’re a very fun man and I love every moment I get to spend with you.” Looking at Neal in that moment, Neal looked lonely on the other side of the desk. “Why don’t you scoot on over to this side of the desk, honey?” Neal looked absolutely elated as he stood up and dragged his chair around the desk to sit beside Peter. “And, for the record, you’re neither a child nor an idiot,” he murmured, kissing Neal’s cheek. “You are my brilliant man.” He pressed gentle kisses against Neal’s cheek, liking the way Neal smiled, the way Neal chuckled as he turned his head to eventually initiate a gentle kiss between them.

Once they parted, Neal tentatively took Peter’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. “I love you, Peter Burke. I’m really glad you found me.”

Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s hand slowly, whispering, “No matter what happens, I will always find you. I will _never_ abandon you.” He pressed his lips against Neal’s once again, kissing him firmly. “You mean too much to me. I could never turn my back on you.”

•◊•

Peter and Neal laughed pretty loud as they rolled off of the bed together. Neal landed atop Peter and Peter’s arms were wrapped around Neal. They’d gone to bed with the intention of getting some sleep, but they’d utterly failed when they began to talk about some things. They began their conversation with Neal asking, “Out of curiosity, was I fun in bed?”

Peter asked him to be more specific and then Neal began to stroke his fingers up and down Peter’s chest with a very feather-like touch, which made Peter twist over until he was hovering above Neal. Before they knew it, they were making out like teenagers and attempting to tickle each other. Peter was better at it, but he also knew that Neal secretly loved being tickled by him. He enjoyed being the one to tickle Nicky, but he loved when Peter did it to him. He’d never attempt to stop Peter because he loved it so much. Even now, he apparently loved it very much.

Neal pushed himself up and bent his knees on either side of Peter’s body. “I can see why we liked this before,” Neal said breathlessly, grinning at Peter from ear to ear. Peter’s hands slid down to hold Neal’s hips gently. Neal was straddling him and he was struggling to keep this moderately chaste. Neal has always tempted him and this was no different. He desperately wanted his husband, especially since it’s been months since they were _together._

“So, to answer your question, yes. You were fun in bed.” He chuckled when Neal leaned down to kiss his nose. It was so much like his Neal—not that he was making a distinct difference between Neal then and Neal now. No matter what, Neal is Neal.

They stared into each other’s eyes for a very long time and the desire was building up between them the longer they stayed where they were. Neither of them wanted to move or make the first move. They knew they wanted each other, but it wasn’t the right time yet.

Neal was enabling ‘fuck it’ mode as he felt himself hardening. He knew Peter felt it as well. Part of him wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and beg Peter to make love to him. He understood that they should wait, that they should make their ‘first time’ special, but he desperately wants Peter.

When Neal swallowed hard, Peter lost all sense of control. He flipped them quickly, finding himself aroused further by Neal’s gasp as his back hit the floor. Peter kissed him fiercely, taking Neal’s left hand in his right, holding it. He rolled his hips, rubbing their bodies together. The whole thing just screamed of desperation. Neither of them has made love in quite some time. Neal knew he’d had sex while in the brothel, but he imagined that things would be so much better, so much more intimate, with Peter.

After several moments, Peter let go of Neal’s hand and proceeded to frame Neal’s face with both of his hands. He was surprised when Neal’s hands immediately went for his ass, pulling him closer. Neal did it a few times before, but he tended to keep his hands in the upper area of Peter’s body unless he was giving Peter a handjob or blowjob. “Peter…” Neal breathed in a whisper when Peter pulled away from Neal and began to suck at his throat.

“Mine,” Peter whispered huskily. “You’re mine.”

He always felt a little possessive when it came to Neal, but it was more protective than obsessive—or that’s what he told himself anyway. Neal made a sound akin to yes and pleaded, “Show me. Show me I’m yours.”

Peter listened to the sounds Neal was making. He was a little loud, but Peter was definitely turned on by it. Having been unable to hear these sounds for months on end, he needed them. Hearing them now, he didn’t give a damn if the whole world heard Neal.

Frantically, Peter tried to pull Neal’s shirt off. He could feel himself becoming desperate and he didn’t want it to be like this. If they were going to pretend Neal is a virgin, he wanted this to be perfect. What they were doing now, humping each other on the floor of their bedroom… That wasn’t what Peter considered ‘perfect.’ In any other situation, this might seem like it were perfect, but it wasn’t right for their ‘first time.’

He wanted to carry Neal to the bed, lay him down on it, and proceed to worship Neal’s body with his hands and lips before finally making love to Neal. That was what he felt his husband deserved. After being treated like a slave in the brothel, he definitely deserved better and Peter always did his damnedest to make sex or lovemaking great between them. “Neal,” he said, finally coming back to his senses. He tried to stop, but Neal shifted his hands up to Peter’s shoulders and grabbed them firmly, holding him where he was. “Neal,” he said a little firmer this time.

“No,” Neal begged. “Please. Please, Peter.”

Peter’s jaw set firmly as he fought with himself. He desperately wanted his husband, but he knew that now wasn’t the right time to make it their ‘first time.’ He didn’t want Neal to think that this is how it would be every time they made love. Sure, they humped each other before, but he liked taking things slowly if they had the time to do so.

“You know why we can’t do—”

Neal made sounds of desperation beneath Peter as he leaned up and kissed Peter’s throat repeatedly. “Please. Please,” he whispered, his voice even sounding desperate. “ _Please._ ”

“Stop,” Peter snapped. He hadn’t meant to sound so fierce, but it stopped Neal. It also scared him. Neal’s hands were immediately off of Peter’s body and Neal almost laid flat on the floor beneath Peter. “Neal,” he said, his voice softer this time. “You don’t deserve this.” Peter knew he’d fucked up when Neal’s entire face seemed to crack. He looked devastated. “No! No, that’s not what I meant!”

Neal moved, shoving Peter off in the process. He needed to talk to someone who wasn’t Peter right now. This hurt a lot even though he felt like Peter hadn’t meant it the way he interpreted it. He fixed his shirt frantically as he quickly walked down the hall. He knocked on the first door he came to and heard the mumbled, “Come in.”

Pushing the door open, Neal went into Jon and Hannah’s bedroom. Jon had been the one to answer Neal, but Hannah was sitting up. “Sweetheart?” His chest was heaving and Jon sat up as well. “Neal, what’s wrong, honey?”

He couldn’t find the words to speak. He was really upset. Whether or not he understood Peter’s _you don’t deserve this_ accurately or not, he was upset.

Darting across the room, he invaded their bed and immediately curled up to Jon, crying against him. Jon held him, concerned and clueless. “Neal, what’s wrong?” he asked gently, stroking Neal’s hair with one hand.

Just then, Peter pushed the door open. His heart broke on his face when he realized Neal was in his parents’ bed, curled up to his father. At least he hadn’t run to Nicky. Nicky would probably get really upset without knowing the full situation.

Hannah slid out of bed after rubbing Jon’s arm and crossed the room, gesturing at Peter to leave with her. She understood that Neal trusted Peter and Jon more than anyone. Of course it was natural for Neal to trust Peter the most—and he did—, but he also trusted Jon when he needed someone to go to about Peter. She closed the door, leaving the two alone.

Jon was concerned and it broke his own heart to watch Neal cry. “I tried,” he sobbed. “I’m just not _good enough!_ ” he screamed against Jon. Neal didn’t even know why he was acting this way, but he felt so unworthy of Peter after what Peter said. The rational part of him knew Peter hadn’t meant that Neal didn’t deserve _him._

The older man’s eyes widened and he held Neal tighter, hushing him gently. “It’s okay, son. It’s okay.” He kept stroking Neal’s hair, listening to the man who sounded like he was hurting quite a bit. “Neal, it’s okay. Tell me what happened. What did you try?”

Neal gripped Jon’s shirt tightly and it sounded like his jaw was set firmly at he whispered, “I tried—tried to _do it._ ” Jon understood, knowing this was an issue with Neal. Neal confided in Jon that he couldn’t come even when he masturbated beside Peter in the middle of the night. It was frustrating. He wanted the relief and his hand just wasn’t good enough. “He stopped it. He didn’t want me.”

Kissing Neal’s hair, Jon told him, “Peter wants you, Neal. Believe me. I know he wants you as much as you want him.” Neal made sounds of protest that were muffled and Jon tried to relax him. “Neal, he only stopped it because he loves you.”

“He didn’t want to have sex with me because he _loves_ me?” he asked incredulously, his voice thick. Jon began to explain things to him, trying to tell him that Peter was trying to avoid taking advantage of Neal as he’d told him before. It just seemed to upset Neal more and he eventually just pushed himself away from Jon and got off of the bed, whispering, “Fuck this,” as he headed for the door.

“You stop right there, Neal George Burke,” Jon said, making Neal stop in his tracks immediately. Jon’s voice was full of authority and Neal really did consider him a father. He didn’t want to disrespect or disobey Jon and he appreciated everything Jon’s done for him. “Look at me, son.” Neal slowly turned, lifting his left hand to wipe his face off. “You don’t need me to sit here and tell you what a beautiful man you are. That could go on for hours. The man you are is wonderful, Neal, and I know you’re good for Peter.” He stayed where he was on the bed and was relieved to see that Neal was listening to him intently. “You, like my son, are the sweetest. The man you are is just…indescribable, Neal.”

“Peter doesn’t see it that way,” he whispered.

Jon shook his head, sighing quietly. “You’ve always been more than _enough_ for him. You’re everything he wants.” He patted the mattress and Neal obeyed, moving to sit on the bed near Jon. Jon rubbed Neal’s lower back gently, smiling at him sadly. “After all that you’ve been through since Peter met you, you are the only man he wants. You went missing and no one knew where to look for you, but he never once gave up on you. He wasn’t going to stop searching for leads and such until you were found.” Neal knew this already. He’d heard Peter and Jon tell him this before. “Peter would never consider finding another man. He has you. You’re his husband and he loves you dearly.

Nodding silently, Neal asked, “Then why does he keep pushing me away? He told me we should wait for the right time and—”

“He _is_ waiting for the right time,” Jon interjected. “Neal, he loves you so much. He wants to make it wonderful.”

“It was wonderful. I was enjoying it.”

Jon shook his head and said, “Wonderful as in _hot_ and _romantic._ ” Neal’s brows furrowed. “My boy is just like I am. If he stopped, it wasn’t right. He’s not the romantic between the two of you, but he’s done very well when he’s made romantic gestures. This is one of them.” Neal still looked confused, like he really didn’t know what Jon was getting at. “When he makes love to you,” he began, knowing that Peter didn’t like calling it ‘sex’ because he loves Neal more than anything, “all he wants is for it to be memorable and special. When the time is right, you’ll both know it. He wants to make love to you—not just have sex with you. That’s not the kind of man Peter is.”

Blinking rapidly to blink back more tears, Neal asked, “What’s ‘memorable’ and ‘special’ to him?”

“That, you will figure out in time. It’s not for me to say, son.” He knew when Peter wanted to try, but he wasn’t going to tell Neal just yet. No matter how upset Neal got, Jon didn’t want to ruin the surprise for Neal. Peter would probably kill him because Peter trusted him to keep Neal out of the loop on this one. “You two are husbands. It’s very easy to just lie down together and have sex. Peter is the kind of man who treasures his partner. You’re not just a partner though.” He remembered all of the things Peter’s ever said to describe Neal and Jon was very proud of Peter for it. “You’re his soulmate, his best friend. He doesn’t want simple sex and I don’t think you do either.”

Thinking about it for a moment, the younger man nodded. “I just… I want to be intimate with him. Every time he rejects me, I feel like it’s because I’m not good enough.”

Jon pulled Neal close enough to hug him and kissed his temple. “You’re more than good enough. If you weren’t, he’d probably have let things escalate. Because he stopped, he’s trying to show you that you mean more to him than simply a person he shares a house, children, and life with. You are everything to him.”

Peter was standing at the door with Hannah silently. Hannah figured out what happened between Peter and Neal by talking to her son, but Peter knew he needed to explain himself to Neal—alone. “You really think so?” He sounded so small and unsure of himself, like he actually believed his worth wasn’t enough to keep Peter around.

“Yes,” Peter whispered, startling his husband. Neal focused on Peter and saw the apologetic smile on his face. “You do mean everything to me and I’m sorry that I made you think otherwise.” Neal hesitated as he stared at Peter, but he eventually leapt off of the bed and darted across the room, hugging Peter tightly. Peter laughed lightly, rubbing Neal’s back. “I thank God for creating you because you mean so damn much to me, Neal.”

Seeing Neal so upset, so hurt and lost, affected Peter similarly. He knew Neal was very sensitive to everyone around him because he felt like everyone expected him to be perfect and exactly the man he’d been before being kidnapped. Peter knew to be patient with Neal at times like this. He understood that Neal felt unworthy, but that just gave him more incentive to wait until the right time to prove to Neal that he is _so_ worthwhile.

The two of them thanked Hannah and Jon for talking to them, adding a ‘good night’ before heading back to their room together. “I’m sorry for overreacting,” was the first thing Neal said when Peter shut their door and turned back to face Neal who was standing at the foot of the bed.

Peter shook his head, slowly crossing the room to rest his hands on Neal’s hips, staring directly into his eyes. “Don’t you ever be sorry. You’ve never needed to be sorry for anything. What you’re going through, what you’re feeling… I may not understand through my own personal experience, but I’ve been with you long enough and I love you so much. Nothing you ever do or say will make me stop loving you, so don’t you ever worry.” He smiled softly at Neal and loved when Neal returned it. Neal was a stronger man now, but he was still vulnerable from time to time. “You deserve me. You have always deserved me and you deserve me in bed as well. I just… The way I love you makes me want to do so much for you. Right now, I don’t think I could give you my all the right way.”

“I know,” Neal whispered. “I just need to learn to chill out. You’ll know when the time’s right…”

“You’ll be the first to know when it’s the right time,” Peter whispered, winking at Neal, eliciting a small chuckle from the younger man. “I love you, Neal. I’m not intentionally pushing you away. I’m not rejecting you either. I respect you and love you too much to just…fuck—for lack of better terminology.”

Neal initiated an embrace, closing his eyes as he listened to Peter breathe. “I love you,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “Thank you so much for your patience. I know I must drive you crazy at times…”

Peter chuckled, rubbing Neal’s back. “The best kind of crazy.” He kissed Neal’s hair and closed his own eyes, feeling his husband’s chest move against him as he breathed. Even when Neal was insecure, Peter wanted to prove that Neal is all he wants.

August couldn’t come soon enough.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth takes Neal shopping; Peter tries to help Neal through his moment of self-loathing.

“I’m kind of surprised Peter let you take me out.”

Elizabeth smiled at him while they were at a red light. She’d spoken to Peter the night before when he called her and asked if she’d be willing to distract Neal for a little while. Gladly, she took the opportunity. She hasn’t seen very much of Neal since the hospital and she truly missed him. “I figured you’d like to go out and get some air. Besides, Di took Elsa to her mother’s again.” She reached over and squeezed his thigh gently. “And I really missed you, sweetheart.”

He returned the smile as she began to drive off. “Peter hasn’t told me a whole lot about you. How’d we all meet?”

“Peter and I were married before he met you.”

Neal’s eyes widened and Elizabeth realized that was probably not the best way to tell him how they met. “I made him cheat on you?” he asked, his voice sounding strangled.

“No, no! No, honey. He wouldn’t cheat on me.” She took his left hand in her right and rubbed over his wedding ring with her thumb. “Honestly, it’s what prolonged the beginning of your inevitable relationship. He didn’t want to hurt me even though he was falling in love with you.” She squeezed his fingers and said, “I’m a lesbian and he’s gay, sweetie. He wasn’t happy with me the way he’s happy with you—same for me and him. I’m very happy with my wife and he’s happy with his husband.”

That seemed to calm him down a bit as he said, “Oh.”

She laughed lightly. “Don’t worry. Peter and I have always been good friends. I’m the one who told him to go get you. I knew he was attracted to you before he even admitted it to me.” He smiled faintly. Peter hadn’t told him this, but he probably avoided it because he didn’t want Neal to think he’s into both men and women, which would possibly increase the likeliness of Peter cheating on him. Neal was a little insecure about his marriage sometimes, but he’s learning to trust Peter more and more. This was a blow to that trust at first, until she explained that he hadn’t been the one to ruin their marriage. “I wanted him to be happy. Before you, he’d never acted so strangely around me. You’re the first and only man he’s found himself attracted to.”

“So he just…settled for me?”

“ _With_ you. You make him happy, honey. He can’t ask for anything better than what he already has with you and your children.” Neal smiled a little more genuinely. For as much as he doubts his worthiness, hearing that Peter fell in love with him—the very first man he was attracted to—made him feel really good, unique, special. “He’s loved you from the second he met you. I was with you and Nicky on Nicky’s ninth birthday and Peter made it very obvious that he was falling for you.”

They stopped at the mall and Neal wondered why she brought him there. “Are we close? Or… Well, were we close? You and me?” he asked when she linked their arms together while they walked across the parking lot together.

“Well, I’d like to think so. You made me your maid of honor at your wedding.” He raised an eyebrow, looking at her curiously. “You decided to play the part of the bride when you and Peter got married, so he had the best man and you picked out the maid of honor—and it certainly was an honor to have been asked by you considering I’m your husband’s ex-wife.” Neal smiled as a slight blush crept across his face. “Anyway, my dear… How have things been between you and Peter?”

Shrugging slightly, Neal said, “Innocent, unfortunately.” She giggled, understanding what he meant instantly. After all, that was part of the reason she’d agreed to take Neal out of the house for a bit. Peter was buying tickets and packing some things. As of the night before, there was only a week until Peter was planning on taking Neal out for their anniversary—for a two week vacation. Hannah and Jon were delighted when Peter told them what his plan was and they were absolutely fine with watching the kids. Jon felt like the two men needed those two weeks. They’d have a few days before their anniversary to spend together and then they’d have a little over a week afterwards. Jon urged them not to rush through those two weeks. “He’s been really sweet though. We went out into the backyard the other night and had a candlelit dinner just the two of us.”

Grinning, Elizabeth said, “That’s how Peter is. Although, he never did these things for me spontaneously.” She glanced up at him and winked when he met her gaze. He chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re so special to him, Neal. I know he’s doing his best to show you just how special you are.”

“I just…” He shrugged again and let it go.

“Sex?” He gave her an incredulous look. “I do speak to Peter about some things, dear.” She giggled again as she said, “And I’m going to help you discover the ways to turn Peter on.”

“ _What?_ ”

She leaned into him, grinning like a fool. Flustering Neal about these things had been fun while it lasted. As he immersed himself more and more into his marriage and sex life, he hadn’t been as embarrassed when others made comments. However, he was easily flustered now because he didn’t know what Peter was expecting—or what they’d done before. “Just follow my lead, my dear.”

Needless to say, the whole experience was pretty embarrassing for Neal. She immediately took him to the section with lingerie and asked him to look at some he thought he’d look good in. “Why the hell would I _ever_ wear this?” he asked, his eyebrows raising to his hairline.

Giggling, she said, “Because Peter loves lace. He also loves a man in lingerie—even though you’re the only one who’s worn it around him.” Neal’s jaw dropped and she nodded. “Yes, you’ve worn lingerie before. You’ve told me before that it’s actually pretty comfortable—and Peter jumped your bones a lot while you wore it.” He liked the sound of that, so he actually gave what he was seeing some consideration. “Peter loves black lace.”

“Is this really going to work?” he asked, glancing at her. He was genuinely curious because he was tired of being rejected. One more rejection and he was thinking about throwing the towel in for good. “Like, when am I supposed to start?”

“Your anniversary with Peter is coming up. I’d say wait until then. Not only will he be excited to celebrate another year with you, but he’ll see you in these and won’t be able to resist you.” He nodded, glancing at the lingerie again. “Don’t tell Peter about this little excursion of ours though, sweetie.” It didn’t really matter if he told Peter or not because Peter already knew they were going shopping for some sexy clothing Neal could wear when they’re alone. “And, just to be on the safe side, I’ll take these home with me and store them where neither Diana nor Peter can find them—until you’re ready for them.”

He smiled appreciatively at her. “I don’t know any good hiding spots at home, so that sounds perfect.” He was playing right into their hands and El loved it. Neal was just so innocent, sweet, and cute. If he knew what Peter had in mind, even the slightest inkling of an idea, he wouldn’t be so willing to let Elizabeth take these home with her. “Did he like…you…in lace?” She hugged him and he took that as an indirect yes, which is exactly why she knew what Peter preferred. “Can you help me? I don’t know what Peter likes. I don’t want to look ridiculous or disgust him, so—”

She looked baffled when she backed off. “Oh, my lovely boy, you just don’t seem to understand,” she said as she shook her head at him. He felt a little uncomfortable now because he felt like she was trying to humiliate him. He really didn’t think Peter was into lingerie nor did he believe he himself had ever gotten into lingerie for Peter. “He’ll love you no matter what. You’re so gorgeous. You could wear a trash bag and he’d still find you very attractive.”

“But this is a lot of skin,” he whispered.

Raising an eyebrow, she asked, “Is that a bad thing?”

When he frowned, she knew something was wrong. “I don’t know. I don’t like my body. I don’t like looking at it in the shower or in the mirror. Peter can’t possibly like any of this, so I feel like I have nothing to offer him aside from the obvious.” He looked really dejected and she had the feeling that it had to do with Peter’s constant rejections. “I tried to go to bed shirtless one night and I felt really insecure when he looked uncomfortable. He eventually followed me and kissed some of my scars. It’s just… I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.”

She’s seen him shirtless before and she was absolutely in love with his physique, so she didn’t understand why Neal was so insecure. “Come with me.” She dragged him towards the dressing rooms and the lady at the doors attempted to stop her from entering with him. “He’s gay. It’s not like we’re going to get up to anything in there.” She also slipped the woman a fifty and they were in the clear. Before Neal could ask her why she brought him in the room, she ushered him into a stall and locked the door. “Strip.” He blinked, staring at her like he thought she was kidding. “Down to your underwear. C’mon.”

Tentatively, he did as she asked, stripping his jacket, shirt, and pants awkwardly. When he straightened up, she looked him over. His face heated up under her scrutiny. He really didn’t know what the point of this was. She circled him and made a small sound. “Elizabeth, why—?”

“Hush,” she said softly. She touched his back and he knew she was tracing the scar.

It was beginning to make him unbearably uncomfortable to the point where he eventually moved and spun to look at her. “Tell me why we’re doing this. I don’t like it.”

“I’ve never seen you so uncovered. I wanted to see what Peter gets to see.”

He kind of understood what she was getting at, but he didn’t like it nonetheless. He hasn’t been able to do this around Peter, so doing this with someone else felt wrong. “What do you think?” he asked, sounding very unsure of himself, very small and childlike.

“Well, first of all, I think you could look a hell of a lot better if you ate a little more. I know what you went through at the brothel and I’m going to lecture the hell out of Peter for not taking care of you.” Neal felt like she was teasing, but he wasn’t entirely sure. She rested her hand above his heart and said, “This is the most important part of you, honey. Besides, I think I’d bone you if I were capable of doing so.” He looked surprised by that and she had to add, “You are gorgeous. Your scars are there, but I think they enhance your physical beauty.” She smiled at him sweetly, knowing he was very confused and lost. “Peter has always loved your body. No matter what happens to it, he’s never once told you he didn’t want to look at you. You’re beautiful, Neal, with or without your scars. I, personally, think the scars are attractive, but that’s just me.”

“How could any of this be attractive?”

Rubbing his chest, she said, “It proves that there’s strength, vulnerability, and courage inside of you.” She believed what she was saying, too. It wasn’t even a matter of making Neal feel better. She’s being honest with him. “These scars tell stories that you’ve lived to tell. Whether or not you can tell them isn’t the point. They have their stories behind them and I think they’ve added to your character. You know they’re there, but…” She tentatively stroked a few scars on his throat. “You don’t really feel them. Deep down, I think you feel the effect they have on you. That’s part of what Peter loves about your body. I wouldn’t say your scars represent flaws, but they do represent hardships that you’ve overcome.”

His brows furrowed. “I never thought of them as feats of strength,” he said quietly. “I thought they were just…blemishes. I’ve wanted to do something about them and the lingerie is going to expose a lot of them…”

She hugged him and whispered, “Peter loves exposing you, sweetheart.”

He glanced at himself in the side mirror and looked at the scars he could see—the most prominent being the one on his back. There were other little scars scattered across his body and he could see bullet wounds as well. If he and Peter have been together as long as Peter told him they were, then these things definitely shouldn’t bother Peter by now. Maybe Elizabeth was right.

Maybe he needs to stop being so worried about looking perfect and just accept himself the way he is. If Peter can accept him, he should be able to do the same for himself. He knew he was a little underweight as well and it wasn’t Peter’s fault by any means, so he hoped Elizabeth wouldn’t lecture Peter like she said she would. He’s gotten himself so depressed to the point where he lost his appetite some nights.

Adjusting to this life was difficult sometimes. He was relieved by the fact that he loves Peter as much as Peter loves him, but he was still having problems fitting into his roles as a father and as a husband. Peter wasn’t really giving him very many opportunities to improve his husband role. That definitely hurt his efforts a little. He was getting better with his kids—or at least he thought so. Peter’s praised the hell out of him almost every time he’s played with the kids or did something with them in general. He’d tell Neal that Neal’s like he was before and that’d make him ecstatic for a little while—and then something would happen to shatter it all. Whether it be a nightmare, messing something up with Peter, or just frustrating himself in general, something always happened.

He touched himself, tracing scars he’d tried to pretend weren’t there. No matter how hard he tried, they’d always be there. He’d feel like a constant disappointment even though Peter didn’t seem to care even a little bit about the scars.

Glancing down at his hands, he closed his eyes. He traced scars without seeing them, whispering, “How could anybody possibly love me like this?”

“Peter isn’t just anybody, sweetie,” Elizabeth said softly. “Neither are you. You’re his soulmate and I’m desperately hoping you still feel like he’s yours.” Neal nodded at her, opening his eyes. “Neal, he sees you for the man you are inside. If you look beyond the scars, do you see anything?”

He stared at the mirror, trying to figure out if he could or not. “I just see someone broken.”

Elizabeth sighed and he bit his lip. “Just you wait, Neal. When you’re finally intimate with him, he’ll show you how wrong you are.” He highly doubted that, but he listened to her anyway. “Now, get dressed and come with me. We’ve still got some lingerie to buy before I can let you go home.” He nodded, dressing himself quickly. She took his hand and led him out of the dressing room, intertwining their fingers. “If I didn’t think you were good for Peter, I never would have told him to go after you,” she whispered after several minutes of silence passed between them. “I love Peter dearly. I can’t say I love him like a brother, but I love him nonetheless. If you were bad for him, I would have done my best to discourage him.” Squeezing his hand gently, she softly said, “I knew you were good the moment I met you. Letting Peter go was easy. I wasn’t in love with him the way I should have been—nor was he with me.” He swallowed hard, wishing he knew what to say. “I wanted Peter to find the man of his dreams and you came along. He and I were married for a few years and I’d never seen him happier than he’d been when I told him to go to your apartment that night we confessed to each other that our marriage wouldn’t work for obvious reasons.”

Neal paused, stopping Elizabeth with him. She looked up at him concernedly and saw how much affection and gratitude was in his eyes. “I may not be able to remember all of these things, but thank you. Thank you for letting him go—thank you for letting him fall in love with me.” He hugged her, holding her as tightly as he could without hurting her. “I love Peter,” he whispered. “I…can’t watch him love someone else after I’ve fallen for him.”

“Despite what you think, you satisfy the hell out of him, Neal. He’d never even dream about cheating on you.” She rubbed his back, sighing contentedly against the man she considered her brother at times. She’s only a couple years old than him, but they look like they could pass for brother and sister. Their dark hair, their blue eyes… She kind of wished Neal was her brother because she didn’t have one. She has a sister, but she’d have loved to have a little brother. “I love you, Neal. I know Peter loves you the most. He wouldn’t leave you even if you asked him to.”

Even though it took him a long time to say he loved Peter, he felt a connection with Elizabeth that was neither hesitant nor uncertain. Their relationship definitely wasn’t romantic, but something clicked between them when he met her. “I love you, Elizabeth,” he said softly, kissing her hair. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for giving your husband to me.”

Giggling, she said, “He was never mine in the first place.” She pulled away and began to head back over to the men’s lingerie. Confused as ever, he simply followed her. Someday, he hoped to God that he’d be able to understand things a little easier without having to ask for an explanation every single time.

•◊•

Peter startled Neal when he reached over to rub Neal’s left thigh. “You okay, honey?” he asked quietly. Neal was holding a sleeping Joey on his chest while they sat on the couch and watched a movie Nicky picked out. Neal was too busy thinking in his own world to have really paid attention to what was going on around him. Apparently his stiff posture and unending silence was getting to Peter and concerning the older man.

“Yeah. I’m just a little tired.”

He knew Peter saw through that almost immediately, but it was a conversation they’d have later—in private. Brie was falling asleep on Hannah and Joey was already asleep, but Nicky was fully awake and they didn’t want to have deep conversations in front of him. If there was a possibility of Neal losing his cool because he was frustrated, they tried to get themselves alone—away from the rest of their family. 

Neal was having a hard time keeping himself from calling Elizabeth to ask her to bring the lingerie over so he could seduce Peter tonight. Peter said he’d tell him when it was the right time and he didn’t say it yet. His devotion to Peter was the only thing that kept him from grabbing Peter’s phone to call her. The last thing they needed right now was for Neal to have another emotional outburst like he had when Peter rejected him in what Neal believed was a really degrading way at first.

His urges were killing him. He’d been forced to shift Joey up a little further on his chest because he didn’t want his son sitting on his erection. He put a pillow over his lap and that made things a little better, but he was still uncomfortably hard. Knowing Peter though, nothing was going to happen. He was considering taking a bathroom break to try to jerk off and hopefully bring himself off that way. He could pretend his hand is Peter’s hand and try his damnedest to make himself come, but he had the feeling that wouldn’t work either. It never worked when he was sleeping right next to Peter, so he didn’t think he stood a chance on his own in the bathroom. He’d just have to impatiently wait until Peter said it was the right time—and he hoped to God that the right time was soon because this was driving him crazy.

Sitting so close to Peter, having Peter touch him innocently, and staring into Peter’s eyes while Peter did the same to him hasn’t helped matters either. Peter is so damn attractive. Everything the man does is arousing. Hell, Neal got hard when Peter groaned after dropping dinner on the kitchen floor the other night.

When the movie ended, Neal knew he was going to have to face Peter sooner or later. He could stall all he wanted to and avoid the conversation entirely, but he really didn’t feel like doing that. It felt like it’d take too much effort to misdirect Peter. Besides, Peter’s his husband. Doesn’t that mean he’s supposed to trust him and rely on him? If he can’t trust or rely on Peter, who else is he supposed to run to?

He feels desperate and he wasn’t lying to Elizabeth earlier when he said he felt uncomfortable in his skin. He felt like something was festering deep inside of him and he just didn’t understand what it might be.

After putting Joey into his crib and tucking Nicky in, Neal went into his and Peter’s bedroom to wait for his husband. He was still debating on putting this off, but he thought it might make things worse if he kept whatever it was bottled up inside of him. “Hey,” Peter said softly when he came into the bedroom. Neal looked up at him, frowning. Instantly, Peter knew they were going to talk and he was kind of relieved. Neal still doesn’t like being forced to talk about things, so Peter was trying to lay off. To give them some more privacy, he shut their door before joining Neal in bed. “Do you want to talk about it?” He thought he’d offer to listen if it helped. He’d always be right here if Neal needed him and Neal…didn’t actually seem like he _needed_ him, but maybe he did in some subtle way.

Neal closed his eyes and bowed his head. Peter didn’t move to comfort him and he didn’t say anything to console him. He’d pissed Neal off the last time he did that. Neal wanted some space. He needed to take the time to think things through before putting them out in the open. So Peter simply waited patiently for his husband to gather his thoughts. “I undressed myself in front of Elizabeth,” he finally whispered after quite some time. Peter’s eyes widened. He definitely wasn’t expecting _that._ “I…” He made a frustrated sound a opened his eyes, looking away angrily. “It’s the same old shit. It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does,” Peter whispered. “If it’s bothering you, it matters.” He scooted across the bed to sit closer to Neal, resting his hand on Neal’s thigh. It still felt so strange, being able to touch his husband’s scarred thigh without receiving a self-destructive reaction from the younger man. “I don’t care what it is. If it’s something we’ve already talked about, obviously we didn’t clear everything up. I’m more than happy to talk to you, Neal, but you need to be willing to talk to me, too.”

“You know, sometimes I really hate you.” Peter tried not to look too hurt by the comment. It didn’t even sound like Neal was joking, so it stung. “How can someone be this God damned perfect and want some piece of shit like me?” Peter’s brows furrowed. This was yet another direction he didn’t expect. “Your body is probably as flawless as a god’s body. I love looking at you. You look so strong, so…” He shook his head. “How is it that you wanted to marry me and spend your life with me even though I’m the first man you fell in love with? I’m sure someone out there is better. Someone else could make you happier.”

Peter wanted to shove him down onto his back and kiss him until Neal was breathless. It took everything in him to refrain from doing so and he was trying to calm himself down in general. He never liked hearing Neal say things like this, but the context of the past and the present differed greatly. Before, Neal felt unworthy because he’s a rape victim who’s suffered pretty extensive trauma. Now, Neal felt unworthy because he never believed that he’s the Neal Burke everyone in this household loves.

Exhaling heavily, Peter said, “You make me happy. I found you and found happiness with you. After that, I never wanted to look elsewhere.” Neal glanced at him, looking like he doubted that. “I was determined to make you mine the second our eyes met. I’m four years older than you, Neal. I’ve had an extra few years to live as a homosexual, so you’d think I’d met a bunch of men over the last twenty to thirty years. I haven’t. You’re the first man I’ve fallen for—the only man I’ve fallen for.”

“Look at you. You’re fucking beautiful.” Peter’s face heated up. He wasn’t looking for compliments, but it was nice to know that Neal is still attracted to his appearance. “You don’t have a God damn scar on your body that would—” He paused when Peter got off of the bed quickly. He looked like he was going to cry and Peter knew Neal was thinking he’d gone too far and pissed Peter off.

Peter pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside, looking at Neal. “Now look at me.” There were a few bullet wounds he’d acquired over the years near his shoulder, hip, and left side. What drew Neal’s attention was the scar just above Peter’s heart. In all the time he’s spent with Peter since Peter saved him, he’s never seen these scars. Peter didn’t look like the kind of man who carried scars on his body. “I’ve been shot at a lot because of my job.” He pointed at the center of his chest and said, “This almost killed me. You were there when it happened.” Neal’s heart broke on his face and Peter sympathized for him. “It bothers— _bothered_ you because you never found the shooter. You thought you were going to lose me that day.”

Neal slid out of bed and quickly moved towards Peter, stopping directly in front of him. He lifted his left hand, but froze before he touched Peter. He bit his lip, meeting Peter’s eyes. He didn’t know if he had the right to touch Peter’s scar.

Apparently he did. Peter took his hand and slid his fingers along the outline of the scar.

When Neal looked down at the scar while touching it, an intense migraine came on and his whole world changed around him. He could hear screaming and he watched himself drop down to roll Peter onto his back and then kneel beside Peter’s body and attempt to wake him up. Blood was seeping through Peter’s shirt and then through his fingers when he touched the wound in an attempt to control the blood flow. It wasn’t working and Peter’s life was fading. Even with an ambulance en route, Neal felt like he was going to lose him. “Peter, please wake up,” he sobbed without realizing he was speaking aloud—with Peter right in front of him, completely unharmed. Tears were sliding down the sides of his face and he was beginning to tremble while he attempted to wake Peter up in this past reality. “ _Peter!_ ” he screamed frantically, feeling like his whole world was coming to an end when Peter’s chest stopped moving. “No, no, no. No! Peter, no!”

Peter’s eyes widened as he watched Neal fall to pieces. This looked like it was truly hurting him. Peter didn’t know if he was reliving the moment or if something else was happening. He hadn’t been conscious after he’d been shot, but he knew Neal tried to save him nonetheless. “Neal, baby. Neal,” he said, trying to help his husband out of this. “Honey, you’re with me. Everything’s okay. I’m not dead. I’m just fine.”

Neal’s eyes were wide as the scene around him faded away. He could feel himself losing control even as Peter—the uninjured Peter—came back into his view, staring at him concernedly. Both of his hands were on Neal, holding his hips. “Peter,” he croaked. “ _Peter…_ ”

The older man hushed him gently, lifting his hand to stroke Neal’s hair. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “It was just a memory. You’re not going to lose me, Neal.”

Lifting his trembling hands, he caressed both sides of Peter’s face, meeting Peter’s gaze. Peter gave him a soft smile even though the concern lingered in his eyes. If he ever had the slightest doubt in his mind that Peter wasn’t in love with him and instead was toying with him all this time, that certainly cleared everything up. If he weren’t romantically involved with Peter or severely close to Peter, he wouldn’t have gotten so emotional. He wouldn’t have broken down the way he did the moment Peter was shot. He knew his trust wasn’t misplaced and that memory proved it. He’d been there with Peter when it happened. They were together then and they’re still together several years later. “Oh my God,” he whispered, throwing his arms around Peter’s neck. He held Peter tightly, breathing him in just to be sure that he was truly okay and alive.

“I’m not perfect,” he whispered in Neal’s ear. “I’ve been hurt, too. I have scars of my own.” He rubbed Neal’s back and said, “You have no reason to be ashamed of your body. I love you just the way you are, Neal. Your scars have never influenced my love for you.” He smiled to himself as he said, “I know that because mine have never influenced your love for me.” Neal held onto Peter, wishing he could stop doubting, degrading, and despising himself. Obviously, he was wrong about a lot of things.

“I love you,” Neal whispered, kissing his neck. “Always. I’ll always love you—scars be damned.”

Peter chuckled. “You better take your words seriously then, honey. I’ll always love you regardless of your scars.” He sighed contentedly, whispering, “You may have been my first love after accepting my homosexuality as it is, but you’re the last love I’ll ever have, Neal. Nothing will take that away.” He gently put space between them, making direct eye contact with Neal as he said, “ _Nothing,_ sweetheart. I vowed to be with you for eternity and I’ll be damned if I go back on that promise.”

Neal blinked back tears as he smiled lovingly at Peter, appreciating him more than ever. He hadn’t known that Peter himself was scarred. Their scars told different stories, but they were stories they could share with each other. Their scars, both visible and invisible, would help them come together—and keep them together.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter reveals his plan for their vacation to Neal.

Neal woke up when he felt warm lips pressing gentle kisses against his neck, up to his jaw, cheek, temple, and then his hair. He smiled, turning his head a bit. It was just enough for him to look up at Peter. “Good morning, angel,” Peter said softly, stroking up and down Neal’s arm.

“Good morning,” he murmured, closing his eyes again when Peter kissed his lips. “I like that—waking up to your kisses.”

Peter smiled as Neal opened his eyes once again. “I like waking you up that way,” he whispered. He was in a really good mood and he wanted to put Neal in one, too. They had yet another argument the previous night and he didn’t want that to linger into today. Today was the day he planned on surprising Neal with his plans for their extended honeymoon. Their flight leaves tomorrow morning, but he wanted Neal to be ready tonight.

Neal kissed his husband again. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“Nah,” Peter said, shrugging. “Don’t apologize. It’s okay. Honestly, everything you said was right. Sometimes I don’t realize that I sound condescending—or like an asshole as you so elegantly put it.” Neal buried his face into the pillows and groaned. Peter just smiled softly and stroked his hair. He’d been helping Nicky with homework last night and Neal wanted to join in and help. Peter suggested that it might make his migraines worse because he himself was getting one while staring at the sheet of paper. Neal bristled at that and proceeded to go off on him, asking if Peter thought he was ignorant and incapable of handling life in general. “You’re a smart man. I’m very sorry for suggesting that you couldn’t help with his homework because you’re incapable of doing so.” He kissed Neal’s hair again, rolling onto his back as he pulled Neal closer. Neal made a small sound before readjusting his body, lying on top of Peter.

He shifted his legs and body weight, trying to hover rather than lie directly on top of him. “I keep causing ridiculous arguments with you.”

Peter rested his hands on Neal’s hips, sighing quietly. “We’ve had our fair share of arguments over the years anyway and I’m usually at fault for it.” Neal’s brows furrowed. “I always do or say something stupid that upsets you. I mean, I even made you run away before…” He closed his eyes and looked upset, so Neal kissed his nose and lifted his left hand to stroke the side of Peter’s face. “I just have a knack of fucking up, honey. I’m not upset with you. Every time we argue, you’re usually right in the end.”

“Well, I don’t want to argue anymore,” he said petulantly. “I love you, Peter.”

They shared a gentle kiss before parting a few moments later. “I love you, too, but arguments are par for the course, hon.” Neal stared into his eyes and Peter could see the love in those beautiful blue orbs. Despite seemingly putting Neal down last night, Neal still loves him deeply. “If we didn’t argue, we’d never be able to connect the way we do right now and figure things out together to strengthen our relationship. We’d be stuck in our own little worlds, completely ignoring each other.” He gave Neal a very small smile as he said, “I don’t like upsetting you, but at least I know we’ll be able to get through any issue that arises.” Neal nodded, smiling a little himself. “Can I ask you something, honey?”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “Do you even have to ask? I’ve questioned a trillion things since you found me in the brothel.”

Peter’s cheeks heated up for a moment before he asked, “Are you opposed to celebrating our anniversary with me in a few days?” Neal only smiled in response. “I’ll take that as a no, you’re not opposed?”

Leaning down, Neal kissed Peter slowly, sweetly. “I’m not opposed at all.” He was really hoping that they could _connect_ —literally—on their anniversary. He was really looking forward to it after Elizabeth took him shopping for lingerie. He was a little nervous about wearing it, but she kept assuring him that Peter would love it. He was slowly getting over his issues with his appearance since Peter revealed some of his own scars to Neal. Hell, they’d even gone to bed shirtless together. Neal curled up to Peter and Peter held him close. It felt…wonderful.

The older man moved quickly, flipping their positions. He grinned down at Neal, who looked breathless. He was always like that when Peter took him by surprise or did something he really liked. “Good,” he said softly. He pressed sweet kisses along Neal’s jaw before kissing his lips.

After a few moments of that, he realized Neal was looking at him like he’s crazy. “Can I ask why you’re being so affectionate?”

“Am I not always affectionate with you?” Peter asked curiously.

“Um. Well, you know… Pushing your husband aside when he tries to make love with you isn’t really all that affectionate…” He seemed nervous about making that statement and Peter understood. He wasn’t upset with Neal. Neal’s upset with him though, but he—hopefully—wouldn’t be upset any longer after their extended honeymoon came to an end.

Peter nodded. “You’re right, hon. Well, I think it’s about time I got over my personal issues and addressed yours.” Neal bristled at that and Peter mentally smacked himself. “Not that you have issues. I’m just saying that you—Jesus Christ. I need to shut up.” He sighed heavily until Neal gently touched his cheek. He could see the defensiveness in Neal’s eyes, but there was also an underlying affection there as well. “I’m just trying to say that I should focus on you more than I have. I’ve been an asshole lately and I really haven’t focused on the things you want and need.”

Neal’s brows furrowed. “I have a home and people who care about…me. What exactly am I asking for that makes you want to focus on me so badly?”

“I thought you didn’t want to fight anymore.” The younger man was totally lost and it was hurting his head. He just moved Peter aside and rolled out of bed. “Where are you going, honey?” he asked concernedly as Neal began to leave the bedroom.

“I’m going to shower. I don’t like having my mind played with.”

Incredulously, Peter asked, “You think I’m playing a mind game with you?”

“I don’t know. You tell me. You’re being particularly vague and it’s bothering me.” Peter didn’t really know what to say to that. He thought he was being kind of sweet and felt like he was finally doing something good by telling Neal that Neal is going to be his focus from now on, but that only seemed to bother Neal more. “I’m taking a shower. I’ll go downstairs after I’m done. See you down there.”

It was a very quick, blunt dismissal as he left their bedroom. Peter didn’t know what was wrong. He thought Neal would be happy with the love and attention he was finally getting. Deciding that he didn’t really want to linger on the issue on his own, he got out of bed, dressed himself properly, and went downstairs to start breakfast for his family.

About five minutes after Peter had gotten downstairs, Jon came down. “Good morning, son.”

“Morning, dad,” he said quietly.

Jon’s brows furrowed. Something was wrong, of course. He didn’t know what could have possibly lingered through the night into this morning unless Peter said something to Neal, which in turn upset Neal. Peter always got himself upset when he’d done something to anger or sadden his husband. “Everything between you and Neal okay?”

Peter sighed in frustration. “I don’t know. I don’t understand,” he said. “I was kissing him and we were talking a little. I told him I was going to make him my priority because I know I haven’t been the best husband. He deserves the love I would’ve given to him if none of this happened.” Jon didn’t see where the problem was in that unless Neal was upset with Peter for not giving him that love before now. He’d spoken to Neal for Peter and learned that Neal was definitely interested in Paris. Jon brought it up in the midst of a conversation they were having and distracted him by telling him that he loved France—the food, the art, and he’d used the French variation of Nicholas to name his son. Neal admitted that going to France would be interesting and exciting, so Jon was relieved that Neal wasn’t against going there at some point. “He just…got out of bed and walked out to go shower.”

“Peter, how do you not know what your husband is thinking?” Peter gave his father a look of question. “He’s being cautious. He was probably happy with all the kisses and such, but he’s got a defense mechanism against you.”

“Why would he have one against me?” Peter asked, eyes wide.

“Don’t you think you’ve rejected him enough?” Peter’s lips parted. He didn’t realize that that may be the problem here. He had rejected Neal one too many times. Before, it probably would’ve bothered Neal as much as it’s bothering him now. The only difference was that Neal was now kind of innocent and naïve, so of course Neal wouldn’t understand why Peter was trying to put some things off until a later time. Peter truly did feel like he’d be raping Neal if he made love with him shortly after bringing him home. Neal had been forced into sex at the brothel for only God knows how many weeks out of the two months he was gone.

Peter didn’t know how long it’d been since Neal had woken up that day without his memories. Rachel probably brainwashed him into thinking sex was all he’s good for, which is another reason Peter’s cautious. He knows it’ll be different when they have sex. Neal was fucked from behind each and every time he was with a man—Neal told him himself. Peter could _never_ do that to Neal. He refused to make Neal get on his hands and knees in front of him, presenting his backside.

No, Peter isn’t that kind of lover. Especially not with Neal. Knowing what Vincent and Craig put Neal through was enough to know not to turn Neal away when they were making love. Even if Neal wasn’t traumatized by everything now, Peter wouldn’t do it. He’d make damn sure Neal knew they weren’t making love that way.

“But he…he doesn’t sleep in another bed. We still sleep together. Why would he think I’ll reject him again?”

“The track record of rejections hurts, Peter. He’s afraid of letting himself get excited by the thought that you two might go all the way when he knows deep down that it won’t go that far.” He gave his son a sympathetic look even though this was Peter’s fault. He felt like Peter should’ve allowed that kind of intimacy between them already. Neal’s been here for months now. Neal trusts Peter and Peter knows it. Jon didn’t understand why Peter had to wait for the right time when Neal was readily available. He’d defended Peter’s position when he’d spoken to Neal because he didn’t want Neal to keep trying and keep hurting himself that way. “I think you should tell him that you’re going to make love to him soon. I know you’re planning on doing it in a few days, but let him get mentally prepared and you make damn sure that you treat him like your king.” Hannah came into the kitchen where Jon and Peter were and Jon smiled at her. “I’ve always made your mother my queen.”

She made a small giggling sound. “That, he has.”

Peter watched his parents, watched his father hold his arm out just so she could fit against his body. He kissed the top of her head and she smiled happily. Peter wanted to see Neal like that. Watching his parents display their deep love for each other made him want to do the same with Neal. That was probably something Neal really wanted with Peter. “Can you watch the eggs?” he whispered to his parents. They both focused on him, looking confused and concerned, but nodded nonetheless. Peter walked out of the kitchen, through the living room, and went upstairs. He thought about knocking on the bathroom door because he could hear the water still running, but he heard soft murmurs that he couldn’t quite make out.

Quietly, Peter opened the door and slipped into the bathroom and listened to his husband. “He doesn’t want you. Just fucking accept it already and stop crying like a little bitch,” Neal hissed at himself. That broke Peter’s heart. He _had_ rejected Neal too many times. “You’re too disgusting. Whore, bitch, slut, _slave,_ ” he growled. Peter hasn’t heard Neal like this since rescuing him and it was really painful to listen to. “Rachel was right. You’re just a hole for fucking. No one can love you. Not even your own husband.”

Peter blinked back tears, wishing he hadn’t done this to Neal. He was suddenly very quiet and Peter could hear his breathing hitch, followed by what sounded like a painful sob—the kind that wracked your whole body. He was hurting himself, telling himself that he’s all these terrible things to give himself reasons for being rejected.

Loving Neal too much, Peter didn’t want to listen to his husband cry alone or talk to himself that way ever again.

He completely disregarded Neal’s privacy and threw caution to the wind, moving quickly. He pulled the curtain and got in with Neal moments later, scaring the younger man. Peter pulled him close and just hugged him tightly. He didn’t know what to say at the moment. Neal’s degraded himself before, but he’d never sounded quite this resentful, this bitter.

Peter held him, letting Neal cry out what was left of his inward anger. Neal knew Peter heard him and he didn’t know how much Peter heard. He thought he’d been quiet enough, but Peter was obviously in the bathroom when he said those awful things. “You’re so much more than _any_ of those descriptions,” Peter whispered in his ear, trying to keep his voice level and soft rather than allowing himself to cry while he spoke to Neal. “You’re my husband. You’re my best friend and my soulmate.,” he said as he kissed Neal’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry for upsetting you this much, but don’t you ever call yourself any of those damn words ever again. I never want to hear them come out of your mouth if you’re talking about yourself.”

“I didn’t know you were listening,” Neal said thickly.

“I was going to wait for you to come out, but I heard you talking, so I came in to make sure you were okay.” He was glad Neal didn’t sound like he was upset because Peter invaded his privacy, his shower. The fact that his naked body was pressed against Peter’s clothed body didn’t register until several moments later and he tried to pull away. “No,” Peter whispered. “I’m done. I’m not putting distance between us anymore. I don’t want to push you away. I can’t lose you, Neal. You mean so much to me.” He rubbed Neal’s back and said, “I wouldn’t know how to go on without you. I’ve tried and I know I can’t do it.”

Neal closed his eyes, letting the warm water wash over them both. Peter’s clothes were absolutely drenched and Neal kind of felt bad about that. He really appreciated that Peter came in, but he hadn’t been expecting it. He was starting to believe that Peter didn’t want him as much as he tried to say he did. “Thank you for interrupting my tirade,” Neal whispered.

Peter laughed sadly. “I love you too much to just stand by and let you hurt yourself.” He put a little space between them so he could look at his husband, staring at his face. The tears were hidden by the water, but he knew Neal well enough to see the remnants of tears. As much as he hated to think this, Neal looked so beautiful this way. Peter didn’t like that because Neal had been crying, is naked, and was really resentful of himself. Neal never looked horrible. He just looked beautiful even when he was wet, crying, and naked. “You’re my angel,” he said softly, resting his left hand on Neal’s hip, rubbing Neal’s bare skin with his wedding ring.

Neal gave him a small smile and he could see the love in Neal’s eyes. He didn’t know what to say because he felt so overwhelmed. Instead, he decided to finish up his shower so he could get out and get dressed. Peter slowed his hands as he tried to wash himself hurriedly.

For the very first time since Neal ‘met’ Peter, Peter touched him very intimately. He washed Neal’s hair for him, silently telling Neal with his eyes that he was going to wash him because he wanted to. Neal didn’t protest. He liked that Peter wanted to touch him—actually touch his bare skin. Peter was still in his own clothing, but he practically worshipped Neal’s body as he went about his task.

Peter sank to his knees at some point and tentatively rubbed Neal’s legs from his thighs to his ankles. When the water washed the soap away, he kissed Neal’s skin. He wasn’t going to do anything sexual right now, but he wanted to show Neal that he’s in love with him, that he’s going to make love to him at some point. Peter kept planting gentle kisses on Neal’s body and Neal loved it. He felt so loved and wanted, something he wasn’t really used to feeling because he didn’t think anyone truly loved and wanted him. He’d been waiting for them to tell him they were putting him in some home because they didn’t want to deal with him anymore.

That never happened though.

When Peter rose to his full height, he caressed Neal’s left cheek with his right hand and leaned forward to kiss him. They kissed passionately, slowly, taking the time to taste and feel each other. Neal liked this, liked feeling cherished by Peter. Peter kept kissing him and eventually slid his hands around Neal’s waist, rubbing his lower back. The moment they parted for breath, Peter promised that he was going to stop acting the way he has been. He promised that he’d make things better—make things go back to the way they had been before.

•◊•

Neal and Peter sat on their bed later in the evening. They were going to spend some time together and just talk about some things. Peter was going to reveal his surprise. He just couldn’t stop staring at Neal though. Neal looked so cute and shy. It was just so damn adorable. Simultaneously they both said, “I—”

They both laughed lightly and Peter gestured towards Neal to let him speak first. “I want to sincerely thank you for being there for me this morning. I don’t know why I was acting that way, but it was nice that you came in to help me get through that.” His cheeks heated up and Peter just smiled at him, rubbing Neal’s knee gently. “Honestly, it felt nice… I didn’t intend for you to hear my thoughts, but you heard them nonetheless and came to rescue me from myself.”

“That’s part of my job description as your husband,” Peter said teasingly, eliciting a quiet laugh from his husband. It was music to his ears. “I’ve never liked hearing you say those kinds of things about yourself because I know damn well that you’re none of that. You’re so much better than any of that, Neal. You’re an amazing man—truly.” Neal ducked his head a bit, looking as if the compliment embarrassed him a little. Peter just smiled at him. Seeing Neal this way was definitely worthwhile. He’s so adorable. He hadn’t been ‘in love’ before Peter found him in the brothel, so Neal was adjusting to how it felt to have someone love him—to loving that someone in return.

“Your turn. What did you want to say?”

“It’s really more _showing_ than _saying._ ” Neal’s smile faltered and he looked slightly afraid while simultaneously appearing confused. Peter shifted over a bit and reached into his nightstand drawer, pulling out the tickets for their flight. He moved back towards Neal and sat in front of him, holding the tickets out for him to look at. Neal took both and looked at them. His eyes widened and his lips parted in surprise before he met Peter’s gaze. “Our flight leaves tomorrow morning.” He watched Neal blink quickly and he wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing… “What do you think?” he asked cautiously.

Neal threw the tickets towards the pillows and then proceeded to throw himself at Peter, wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck as he hugged him tightly. “I’m excited,” he said, kissing Peter’s temple. Peter chuckled, wrapping his arms around Neal’s torso. He could feel Neal’s heart pounding and it made his own flutter. When Neal sat back, he said, “I have to ask though. What’s the occasion?”

Peter gave him a small smile, taking Neal’s left hand in his left hand. He rubbed their wedding rings together and it dawned on Neal then. “Our anniversary is in a few days. I wanted to…take you out. My dad suggested taking you somewhere to spend time with you—just the two of us. I wasn’t sure what you’d think, so I had dad talk to you about going to France and I was glad you seemed interested.”

“You sneaky bastard,” Neal said as he chuckled. He grabbed the tickets with his right hand and looked Peter right in the eyes as he added, “These mean a lot to me. I mean, who would take—?”

“No matter what happened to you, your memory… You’re my Neal. You’re my baby, my husband, my sweetheart, my angel, my honey…” He watched Neal’s eyes water as he smiled softly. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Neal. I would do anything and everything for you.” Neal had a brief moment of doubt flicker over his expression and Peter understood since his father pointed it out to him earlier. “ _Anything and everything,_ ” he repeated with emphasis. When Neal’s eyes widened again, he knew Neal figured it out.

He began to stammer, “You don’t have to. I’m sorry if I’ve been pushing you to do it. I can wait. I can deal with it. It’s okay.”

Peter simply shook his head and said, “No, hon. You’ve wanted to make love with me for quite some time now and I know I’ve hurt you a lot by denying you that.” Lifting Neal’s hand, he kissed the wedding ring. “No more denying,” he whispered. “These next two weeks are for us, Neal. We’re going to spend time together and _be_ a married couple like we have been for the last four years—a real couple like we have been for the last six years.”

“You’re sure?” Neal whispered.

“Yes, Neal.”

He thought Neal was going to cry. Neal really looked like he wanted to and Peter was preparing himself to pull Neal into his arms, but Neal regained his composure and said, “Okay. Thank you.” Peter chuckled, shaking his head. “Wait. You said we’re leaving in the morning?” Peter nodded. “Peter, we need to pack. How are we going to—?” Peter nodded towards the closet and that was when Neal realized there were suitcases right there. He knew they were there, but he didn’t realize Peter had already packed for them. “You’re a saint,” he said, awed. Something else dawned on him then. Glancing at Peter, he asked, “Did Elizabeth know about this?” Again, Peter nodded. “Fuck. So you’ve already—”

Shaking his head, Peter answered, “I knew she was going to buy you lingerie. No, I haven’t seen it. She said she’d murder me if I looked at any of it ahead of time.”

“Did I actually wear lingerie before?”

Peter chuckled and Neal’s face heated up in embarrassment. “You did. You got some at the ‘bridal shower’ Elizabeth threw for you and we, of course, bought more as time went on. You wore them during our honeymoon and Jesus…” He snickered and kissed Neal sweetly. “I think I may actually have some pictures. You were pretty sexy—all sprawled out for me on the bed.” Neal looked interested in seeing those pictures, so Peter grabbed his phone and went straight to the gallery. He grinned when he found their honeymoon pictures in the midst of all of the other pictures he’d taken—of Neal, Nicky, the twins, et cetera. Showing Neal, he watched Neal’s face. The younger man looked really surprised and taken aback. “I do like it. You look really good in lingerie, honey. Not that there’s any pressure to wear it all the time—or at all. I’m just letting you know that you’re always attractive.”

Neal looked at the picture of himself and realized Peter probably took the picture just before they made love. He wished he could remember that feeling, staring up at his new husband as he took a picture of him just before making love to him. “I think I can wear it then. If you really do like it…” He met Peter’s eyes and gave him a timid smile. “Who am I to say no?”

Peter knew Neal had image issues, which is what almost prevented him from buying it with Elizabeth in the first place. She used her card to buy it because she knew Neal didn’t have his card because he refused to use his phone and such and she didn’t want Peter to see what kind of lingerie they bought. She threatened Peter as she handed the zipped up bag of lingerie to him the other day.

“You’re beautiful no matter what,” Peter said sincerely. “Don’t you ever think any differently. I look at you and think I’m the luckiest man on the planet because I know I don’t deserve you sometimes.”

Neal shook his head. “That’s impossible—thinking you don’t deserve me. Honestly, you deserve _better_ than me, but—”

“Don’t even go there again,” Peter warned him, silencing him immediately. “I didn’t marry you because I didn’t think I could find another man to fall in love with if things between us didn’t work out. I married you because you make me happy and because I didn’t want to look for anyone else after you. I had a family before we were married.” He set his phone down and pulled Neal close, wrapping him up in his arms. “I had a wonderful boyfriend who had a boy I hoped to God would become my son someday. You had opportunities to leave me—or kick me out of your life, but I’m thankful for the fact that you stayed with me.” He kissed Neal’s hair while Neal traced his fingers over Peter’s clothed chest, tracing over the scar he knew was beneath it. “I’ve loved you and Nicky since I met you both individually. You could easily look at me and go: ‘Ew. Who wants to date that creep?’ The thing is… You didn’t.”

Peter wasn’t expecting Neal to smack his chest and pull back enough to glare up at him. “You’re not a creep. The guys in my nightmares are creeps,” he insisted. “Anybody would be lucky to have you—including me. I get the feeling that I’m very flawed…”

Shrugging, Peter said, “Aren’t we all flawed in one way or another? No one is perfect, Neal.”

“Okay. We’re all flawed. Don’t ever call yourself a creep again if you don’t want to hear me say any of the things I said in the shower about myself again.”

“Deal,” Peter said with a small smile. Neal fit himself against Peter’s body, getting comfortable. He liked being held by Peter when he wasn’t having some emotional outburst. He was in a perfectly good mood now. Nicky made him a bracelet and a card earlier and now Peter revealed that the two of them were going on vacation together for their anniversary.

Neal fidgeted with the bracelet Nicky gave him, glancing at it. The little letters around it spelled out ‘love’ and ‘hero.’ The card’s theme was: I’ll love you forever, daddy. It said that to start off and Nicky went on to write a list of things he loves about his father as well as a second list of things he’s loved doing with him. In closing, Nicky’s exact words were: “You’re my daddy. You always will be. You’ve always been here to protect me and I can’t trust anyone more than you because of that. If I ever had the option to go back in time and repeat something, I’d want to repeat my whole childhood with you because you made it fun and special.” That brought Neal to tears instantly and he’d hugged his son tightly, kissing all over his face afterwards. He hadn’t even thought about kissing his son’s face, but it felt right, like it was something he’s done so many times in the past. Hell, it was one of the things Nicky listed under ‘things I love to do with you.’

“Hon?” Neal made a sound of acknowledgement. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Thinking.” He knew Peter was curious and concerned. This was something he liked talking about though. Hearing stories from Nicky or about Nicky from Peter made him happy. The teenager in general had a knack of making him happy. “I was thinking about Nicky. The card and bracelet he gave me…” The card was on his nightstand and he intended on treasuring it forever. “I love him. I never felt afraid to love him. I just… I looked at him and knew I loved him.”

Peter kissed Neal’s forehead, whispering, “He’s your baby. Your love for him is natural, especially for a daddy like you.” He watched Neal smile silently for a few minutes before Neal finally yawned. “Okay, baby. I think it’s time to get some sleep. We have to get up early.” Neal nodded and was surprised when Peter dragged him right up to the pillows. He took the tickets and put them on his nightstand so Neal could lie down and then they curled up together. Neal made a comment about the lights and it felt so familiar to them both. Peter even chuckled as he turned over and turned the light off before curling up to Neal again.

•◊•

Nicky’s words echoed in Neal’s mind while they boarded their plane and looked for two open seats so they could sit together. Nicky, little brat that he is, grinned like crazy so early in the morning because he knew they were going away for a little while and he knew what they were going to do. Neal smacked Peter for telling their teenage son and the gesture itself sent waves of familiarity through Neal. “Have fun, daddy,” he’d said. He called Neal ‘daddy’ more often now and Neal wasn’t sure why. Wasn’t fifteen too old for ‘daddy’? “Don’t worry about anything here. You just focus on you and poppa, okay?” Neal told him that he’d do that, smiling softly at his son. Looking at Nicky made him happy. Knowing he was part of the reason Nicky’s alive always made him happy, too. Now that he knew about his son and had gotten to know him better, he was thankful to have him. If he didn’t have Nicky… He didn’t even want to think about it. It gave him a migraine to even consider his life without that little brat. “I love you, daddy,” he’d whispered against Neal’s chest as he hugged him. “I love you a lot.”

Peter smiled at Neal as they took their seats. “Everything all right?”

“Definitely,” he said softly. “Nicky…said a lot of sweet things to me. Is he just naturally like this or is he doing this now because he wants me to be happier?”

Chuckling, Peter said, “That boy has always been a sweetheart—just like his daddy. I’ll have to show you everything he’s given you over the years some time. You have a whole bunch of things since he was, I think, four or five years old. The drawings of you two are adorable.” Neal grinned. He was eager to see those himself.

The older man liked seeing his husband this way. And he couldn’t wait to finally be in Paris with Neal—the one thing they’d talked about doing a few times with the intention of eventually doing so. The reason he’d asked for two weeks instead of a single week was that he had a lot in store for Neal that he wanted to be able to spread out. Bombarding Neal with things within a very short time might hurt Neal and he didn’t want to do that to him.

One of his suitcases was filled to the brim with little things from Neal’s past as well as theirs. He’d gotten a hold of Michael not too long ago and had the video of him proposing to Neal. It almost felt like it happened yesterday when he’d watched it alone to make sure the quality was okay. It was high definition and he’d watched the surprise and happiness on Neal’s face, finding himself crying right along with Neal. He laughed to himself at the time and couldn’t wait to share this with Neal.

It took him a week to bring together a whole collection of things from their wedding day, but he’d gotten in contact with everyone who either captured a video or took pictures. He wanted a copy of everything just for Neal and everyone was very cooperative and eager to share with him. He knew Neal wasn’t going to remember a damn thing, but he was hoping some things might click with Neal.

The least he could do was spark happy memories that had been lost. Neal’s nightmares and other saddening memories hurt Peter and he wanted to do something to help Neal because he knew Neal was hurting deep down. Even if Neal didn’t show it, he was in pain. Peter saw it in his eyes sometimes, even in the way his lips turned downwards as he frowned at other times.

If Neal watched and looked at everything he’d packed, he hoped to God that Neal would remember something—if only one thing. He wanted Neal to smile, to be able to remember feeling that happy or overwhelmed with joy. If it made Neal cry, he just hoped Neal was crying because he’d remembered how it felt to be in the moment and not because he couldn’t remember it even with it displayed right in front of him.

When the plane took off, Peter took Neal’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. He was thrilled to see how excited Neal was, but he could see the exhaustion in Neal’s expression as well. One of the flight attendants managed to find a blanket, so he’d told Neal to try to sleep if he could. Needless to say, Neal didn’t like sleeping while sitting upright, so he’d twisted around and bent himself enough until he was comfortable with his head on Peter’s lap—using Peter’s body as a pillow. He’d covered Neal up then and was surprised by how quickly Neal went to sleep. He knew Neal had been wound up throughout the night after Peter told him about their trip. He’d woken up to Neal going through their dresser drawers to make sure everything comfortable was packed.

Fortunately, Peter knew by this point what Neal liked and he’d packed it all away. He would be a grouch if he didn’t get some sleep and they were going to be on the plane for several hours together. He’d keep Neal safe on the plane. No one would hurt him here. Hell, he’d keep Neal safe in Paris, too. He had agents within the FBI as well as Interpol keeping an eye out for Rachel. If she had the intention of coming after Neal while they were on their extended honeymoon, he wanted to be informed immediately. He had his gun packed away just in case Rachel came along and decided to pull something. He’d put a bullet right in her forehead if she even came remotely close to Neal.

“I love you,” Neal murmured in his sleep, nuzzling his face against Peter’s thigh. Peter knew he was still asleep, but he’d seen and heard Neal do that a few times in the past. It thrilled him to no end. Hearing Neal snore so softly, so beautifully, and sleep so soundly on him made his heart swell. Neal is _his._ Every part of Neal… His heart, his mind, his body, his laugh, his snore… All of that belongs to Peter. No one else has the luxury of being able to see and hear everything he sees and hears with Neal.

Neal’s right hand even came up to rest on Peter’s thigh. He looked so at ease. Nothing in his posture screamed of fear or anxiety. He was relaxed, sleepy, and happy. Feeling Neal subconsciously rubbing his thigh, Peter simply smiled. Neal did that sometimes when he’d fallen asleep while Peter was watching a game on the couch in their living room. He’d fall asleep on Peter and rub some part of him while he slept. Peter liked that. It always made him think Neal felt safe, secure, and able to let his guard down around him.

“I love you, too, baby,” he whispered, resting his right hand on Neal’s back while he slept. This brought back so many memories for Peter. Neal curled up closer to Peter and Peter readjusted the blanket over Neal as Neal got himself comfortable again. Peter felt like there was a permanent smile on his face as he watched his husband sleep. Maybe there was. Watching Neal sleep in their own bed or on the couch was always such a beautiful thing to do. He didn’t even feel compelled to look out the window and watch the clouds go by as the plane flew. Curled up against Peter, Neal could actually smile in his sleep as if he just knew he was sleeping on or beside Peter—and he was smiling right now.

It was nice to see that, no matter what happened, some things just never changed.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter arrive in Paris.

Neal was absolutely awed when they arrived in Paris. He’d gone with a previous boyfriend in the past, but he has no recollection of that, so this is technically the first time he’s ever gone to Paris. Peter was more than happy to be the one vacationing with him for the experience. Hell, even he hasn’t been to Paris before. He never really had a reason to go. His lack of romantic interest in Elizabeth never really made the city intriguing, but this was definitely worth it with Neal.

They’d talked a little about some tentative plans when they got there while on the plane and Peter said he didn’t intend on paying for some kind of transportation because it’d been recommended to him that they just walk around together and enjoy the scenery. His source told him that driving around Paris was hell anyway and the last thing he wanted to do was get frustrated when he was supposed to be enjoying alone time with his husband.

They took a taxi to their hotel because neither of them wanted to walk through Paris while carrying their suitcases. Neal just stared out the window the whole time, looking like an awed child in Peter’s opinion. It made him smile the whole way to the hotel. This vacation wasn’t about sex. He wanted them to be together, talk, and just relax. So what if Neal didn’t give his full attention to Peter? Peter loved watching Neal. He looked so damn cute and Peter regretted never making the right amount of effort to bring them here together in the first place. Maybe now would be better because Neal didn’t remember being here before—with Dan of all people.

Peter booked them at the Hotel du Champ de Mars after reading reviews about it. It was also within his price range and he hoped Neal would like it.

The second they got into their hotel room, Neal’s jaw dropped. The room was small and pretty simplistic, but it was beautiful nonetheless. “Honey, you need to let me in,” Peter said, chuckling. Neal blushed, moving further into the room so Peter could come in. They set their suitcases down and Peter watched Neal soak in everything around them. “What do you think?”

“I love it,” he said softly, turning to face Peter with a smile just as soft as his voice. “I love _you._ ”

In that moment, all Peter wanted to do was sweep Neal off his feet and take him into their bed—just to have his way with him. He loved the way Neal said those three words, emphasizing that he was speaking directly about Peter. “As I love you, honey.” Peter shut their door and moved the suitcases out of the way before joining Neal, wrapping his arms around Neal’s waist, kissing Neal’s neck. “I love you very much.”

Neal closed his eyes as he turned his head and leaned back against Peter. He loves this, the attention and love Peter was giving him. Right now, he wasn’t really thinking about the things they could be doing in their nice, big bed directly at the center of the wall adjacent to the window—where they could see the Eiffel Tower. All he wanted was Peter’s love and Peter was giving it to him. This is what he’d wanted since he’d begun to find himself attracted to Peter. Peter’s a good man and he’s very attractive in appearance and in personality. At first, Neal had been skeptical about the idea of being married to Peter, but he believed it now. He knew Peter hadn’t once lied to him about this life he’d lived before.

“What’re we going to do first?” he asked, resting his hands atop Peter’s while Peter nuzzled the side of his face.

“Mm… Why don’t we go for a walk together?” Neal smiled and nodded, opening his eyes to meet Peter’s. “Do you want to change into something comfortable? We both slept in our clothes on the plane.” Neal chuckled, rubbing Peter’s hands gently. “What?”

Neal shook his head while still smiling. “I’m just really happy. That’s all it is.”

Peter’s heart fluttered. They hadn’t even gotten started yet and Neal was already very happy. “Good,” he whispered, planting a gentle kiss against Neal’s temple. He liked being alone with Neal. It was just them and no one else. He could focus wholeheartedly on his husband, give him his undivided attention, and they could reconnect—or make new connections. He wanted to help Neal remember some things, but he was going to do his damnedest to spread it out over their vacation because he knew how overwhelmed Neal could get when so much was going on that he didn’t understand. They’d look at some pictures here and there, watch a video or two every now and then… He just wanted to show Neal their past and show him that they had a beautiful relationship despite what’s been happening lately.

They separated a bit and Peter handed Neal his suitcase so he could find something to change into. Peter grabbed his own suitcase and was about to head into the bathroom to change when Neal made a small sound that startled him. The sound was very quiet, but he’d heard it nonetheless. After spending the last several years in an intimate relationship with Neal, he could hear those quiet sounds effortlessly now. Whether it be a whimper, a gasp, or the beginnings of a sob, he could hear Neal’s sounds because he wanted to know what was going on with Neal as soon as Neal was feeling something.

When the older man turned around to look at his husband in question, Neal’s eyes were lowered to the floor and his face was flushed. “You don’t… _have_ to go redress in there,” he whispered, closing his eyes tightly a moment later. He felt embarrassed and Peter didn’t understand why. “You stay. I’ll go.” He was about to trudge past Peter, but Peter wrapped his arm around Neal’s waist, pulling him closer rather than allowing him to pass by.

“Hey,” he said softly, staring into Neal’s eyes. “Talk to me, sweetheart.” Neal shrugged, avoiding Peter’s gaze a moment later. “This is about us. This whole vacation—and whatever’s bothering you right now. You can tell me.”

“I don’t want you to walk away,” Neal whispered, sounding so much like a child, like his own son. Peter’s brows furrowed. What had he done that made Neal think he was going to walk out on him? Had he not proven he loves Neal properly? “We’re married. Why can’t you undress and redress in front of me?”

“Oh,” Peter involuntarily said aloud. His face flushed when he realized he’d actually spoken, but he rubbed Neal’s lower back and said, “Do you want me to? I was going to give you privacy.”

Neal’s eyes met his then and Peter could see the smoldering blue embers in his eyes. He knew in that moment that Neal wanted the closeness, the intimacy that they’d had before. Apparently changing their clothes in front of each other was something he desperately wanted to do as well. “Please,” Neal whispered.

Peter nodded and set his suitcase down on their bed, opening it up. He knew Neal’s suitcase—the one he’d given Neal anyway—didn’t have the lingerie in it. Elizabeth threatened him to keep him from looking because she wanted it all to surprise Peter later, but he knew which suitcase he’d packed it all into.

Neal copied his motions, setting his own suitcase atop the comforter. Peter didn’t really understand why Neal wanted this so badly, but he knew Neal was right and they’ve been shirtless together. He, of course, remembers exactly how Neal looks in all of his glory, but Neal hadn’t seen Peter yet. He wanted to, but he wasn’t going to get anything at the moment. Not really anyway.

“You okay?” Peter asked him quietly, noticing that Neal’s hands were trembling as he attempted to sift through the clothes Peter packed for him. His eyes remained on Neal’s hands for several moments before finally traveling up his body until he could look at Neal’s face. “Neal?” Neal’s eyes were shut tightly and he looked like he was about to burst into tears. “Honey, what is it?” he asked concernedly. He pulled Neal closer and held him, whispering, “You’re with me. You’re with Peter. Open your eyes. It’s okay.” Neal was shaking in his arms and he quickly scanned the clothing, trying to figure out what made his husband break down like this. Everything looked normal and he couldn’t be this upset about Peter almost walking into another room to change?

“Get rid of it,” Neal whispered, sounding tortured.

Peter looked at Neal’s face then and asked, “Get rid of what? Tell me and I’ll do it, Neal.”

Neal’s breathing hitched before he gasped, “The vest. Get it out. Get rid of it.” Peter had packed him a couple different vests. He didn’t know which one Neal wanted him to remove and asked Neal to be more specific. Neal’s eyes flew open and his breathing became labored before his eyes shut again just as tightly as before. Peter’s eyes were wide and he reached into the suitcase, grabbing the three vests he’d packed and shoved them out of sight.

“Okay, okay,” Peter said softly. “They’re gone. They’re gone, Neal. I took them out.” He didn’t understand. They’d been in one of their dresser drawers, so Peter took it upon himself to put them in for their vacation. Neal used to like wearing— Then it dawned on him that Neal hadn’t worn a vest of any kind in well over a year. “Oh, honey…” he said sympathetically.

The younger man latched onto Peter as Peter asked him to open his eyes. He was eventually able to do so and simply wanted to be held. “I-It’s what I wore…wore when they…”

Peter nodded, having already figured this out for himself. No wonder they were underneath everything in the very back of said drawer he’d found them in. “I’m sorry,” Peter said apologetically. He hadn’t meant to trigger Neal like this. Hell, he hadn’t even given it a thought when he’d packed Neal’s things. “It’s okay now. I promise you’re safe with me, Neal.”

Neal nodded, nuzzling his face against Peter’s throat. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I didn’t mean to worry you and wreck our vacation already…”

“Nonsense,” Peter said. “Nothing is wrecked. I should’ve known better and I’m so sorry, Neal.” They separated and he waited for Neal to look at him before giving him a small smile. “I’ve always been worried about you. No matter what’s going on, I worry about you because I love you. I don’t want to see you hurt or upset and I’m sorry for causing it—as always.” The last part was meant to be said under his breath, but Neal caught it.

“You don’t always cause problems.”

Peter let it go. He didn’t want to argue that with Neal. “Our vacation is not wrecked,” he said. “It’s just getting started and we hit a little bump in the road. We’re over that bump and we’ll be just fine from here on.” Neal nodded and Peter lifted his left hand, stroking Neal’s jaw. “This is supposed to be a happy vacation. You were happy.” He moved his hand enough to rub his thumb over Neal’s lips and whispered, “Be happy again, my angel.” Neal nodded and was able to smile at Peter. Albeit a small smile, Neal was still smiling and that’s what Peter wanted to see. He didn’t want his husband to frown nor did he want to see tears in his eyes. Not over his dark past. This was meant to bring them closer and make them both happier and he’d be damned if he allowed Neal’s past to come back in tormenting memories to disturb what was meant to be a peaceful vacation for them. “Here,” Peter said gently, reaching into the suitcase to grab a light blue silk shirt. “This has always brought out the beauty in your eyes—and I just love seeing it on you in general.”

“Really?”

Peter’s soft smile was answer enough, so Neal took the shirt and waited until Peter helped him choose matching pants—then he helped Peter pick out clothes he thought would make Peter look very sexy.

•◊•

Walking along the Seine hand in hand, Peter glanced at his husband’s face, searching to find any signs of sadness, regret, or fear. They’d been talking about a few things and stopped to sit and just gaze at the river and lights of the city together. “Have we ever made love in water?” Neal asked out of the blue when they took a seat once again and watched the water ripple in front of them.

“No,” Peter said amusedly. Raising an eyebrow, he asked, “Is that some fantasy you have?” Neal’s entire face heated up and Peter immediately sobered up. He didn’t want to embarrass Neal when Neal was serious about something. “Is it?” he asked, wanting to sincerely know if Neal had that in mind. If he did, he’d find a way to do it for Neal. Obviously not some public bath or anything like that. He’d find a secluded place for just them and he’d proceed to make love to his husband in the water if that’s what he wanted. It was just strange because he’d never once brought it up in all of their years together prior to his memory being stripped away from him.

“Nevermind,” Neal whispered, looking down at his lap rather than the water.

Peter felt awful. He’d kind of laughed at his husband when he’d responded and he hadn’t meant to make him shut down like this. “You can tell me.” He felt like he was saying that so much nowadays, but he wanted Neal to feel like he could come to him for anything or about anything. “There’s no reason to be embarrassed. We’re married,” he said, lifting Neal’s left hand to kiss his wedding ring. “I love you for everything you are. If this is something you want…” He trailed off, hoping Neal would give him a straight answer.

Neal sighed heavily, whispering, “Yeah.” Peter waited, knowing Neal wanted to say more. Neal was always afraid to press something further, especially when he felt like Peter would get upset or laugh at him. “I mean, obviously not for our first time, but… I would like to try it.” Meeting Peter’s gaze, his brows furrowed. “Was I not into anything exciting before?”

Shrugging, Peter said, “I liked the way we did things and I think you did, too. We tried to do different things over the years and some things just didn’t really stick because we didn’t think it suited us very well.” He gave Neal a small smile and said, “Any moment I spend with you is exciting.” He leaned over and kissed Neal’s cheek. “I love you, Neal.”

“How can you want to be with someone who’s so…dull?”

Peter raised an eyebrow, remaining silent until Neal flushed and looked away. “You are the furthest thing from dull. You’ve made my life interesting. Honey, I’ve—” He saw the frown on his husband’s face and proceeded to pull Neal closer, squeezing him gently. “Cheer up, angel. If I weren’t happy, we wouldn’t be together.” Neal looked like he had something on his mind and Peter was a little worried, wondering what it was that was keeping him so down. “Do you need to talk about something?”

Neal sighed exasperatedly, moving a little ways away from Peter before finally looking at him. “If I were boring, would you leave?” Peter’s brows furrowed. “What if I’m not fun anymore? What if I can’t please you when we finally…finally do _it?_ ” 

“Is that what’s bothering you?” Peter asked tentatively. “Sex?” Neal nodded subtly, but Peter saw it nonetheless. “Don’t even get yourself all worked up about it. We’ll take it all slowly and I have _never_ criticized you in bed.” He lifted his hand to stroke Neal’s hair, his heart fluttering when a small smile crept onto Neal’s face. He liked feeling Peter’s fingers in his hair—as he did before. Peter was relieved by that because he loves Neal’s hair. “You don’t have to worry about whether or not you’ll please me. The fact that you’re still in love with me after everything… That means more to me than you can ever possibly know.”

The younger man stared into Peter’s eyes then, searching for the love he knew was right there in front of him. Peter never hid his love for Neal and Neal could see that. He hadn’t hid it in the hospital when Neal woke up to his voice, his face. Even after knowing that Neal hadn’t been messing with him, he still hadn’t hid his feelings for Neal. If that wasn’t true love, then Neal didn’t know what was. How could Peter bear the thought of his husband being alive, but not being the man he’d been? Sometimes, he didn’t know how Peter could deal with him. He was so frustrated with himself and his inability to remember things, but Peter was the voice of reason and the essence of patience somehow. He hadn’t once tried to deny that he’s in love with Neal and _that_ meant more than Peter could ever possibly know. “How could I not be in love with you?”

Chuckling, Peter said, “I don’t know, honey. I’m just glad you’re still mine.”

They spent a few more minutes sitting there together before getting up to walk a little more. “I’m sorry that my concerns are so petty,” Neal apologized when he slipped his hand into Peter’s, squeezing gently. “I’ve wanted this since I admitted to myself that I’m in love with you, but now I’m afraid.” Peter glanced at him, wondering what he was so afraid of. He’d never hurt Neal intentionally and hoped Neal knew that by now. “I want you and I know you want me. I just… I also want to be able to do the things that, you know…”

“We have a lot of time to relearn each other,” Peter said softly, squeezing Neal’s hand then. “There’s no pressure and no hurry. We have two weeks for _us._ I’m here with you. You’re the only man on my mind and I intend on spending every moment of this vacation with you no more than an inch away from me.” Neal chuckled then and it made Peter’s heart flutter. “Also, your concerns aren’t _petty._ Not to me— _never_ to me.”

By the time they’d arrived back in their hotel room, Neal wished it was their anniversary already. Just a few more days to wait and then they could make love for what he felt would be the first time. He didn’t understand his feelings of eagerness and anxiousness. Peter is his husband and he’s in love with Peter, knows Peter will keep him safe and take care of him. Why is he so anxious then? “I love you,” he said when Peter laid down on the bed behind him. He was sitting on the edge of his side of the bed after Peter came out of the bathroom and Peter had every intention of watching his husband’s every move. Twisting a bit to look at Peter, he said, “I love you so much. I’m so thankful for you and I don’t even remember everything.”

Reaching forward, Peter stroked Neal’s lower back. “That means a lot to me either way,” Peter said with a small smile, lifting his gaze to meet Neal’s. “I’ve been very thankful for you for several years now. Having this beautiful man right in front of me, all to myself…” He sighed contentedly and Neal couldn’t help smiling. “It’s a dream—it’s heaven. I’m happy with you. You make me the happiest man alive, Neal.”

Neal shifted around until he could lay on his stomach beside Peter. Peter tentatively rubbed Neal’s back, keeping his eyes on Neal’s face. “You make me happy,” Neal whispered. “I know I haven’t experienced—or remembered my experiences with—love before now, but I’m glad I’ve found love with you.” Peter leaned forward and kissed Neal’s hair, loving the small laugh that Neal let out. “You’re so sweet and you treat me wonderfully.”

Peter looked a little upset and Neal’s heart ached because he didn’t like making Peter look that way, but he didn’t understand what he’d done or said that made Peter upset. “I treat you like a human being,” he finally said, “because that’s what you are. You are my husband, my best friend, and our children’s daddy. I wouldn’t treat you any other way.” Neal bit his lower lip, averting his gaze from his husband’s face. He knew what Peter was referring to and he knew it always upset Peter. “Honey, be honest with me. Do you feel like I’m going to abuse you while we’re making love—when we make love?”

Despite wanting to tell Peter that Peter was wrong, he ended up nodding. It was something that crossed his mind every now and then. Would Peter hurt him? Even after promising he wouldn’t? Neal remembered what almost every man in the brothel had said to him before he’d crawl onto his hands and knees for them. “ _Relax, baby. I’m gonna take very good care of you._ ” And then they’d pound into him and rake their nails across his back. He knew he wasn’t scarred by them, but it hurt and he remembered how much it hurt—inside and out.

The older man noticed the shudder that ran through Neal’s whole form and he was instantly concerned, palming Neal’s back while watching his face. “What is it?”

“I don’t… Nothing. Nevermind.” Peter was going to press him for an actual answer and Neal suddenly felt very miserable. He didn’t think it was right to be thinking about those men while he’s supposed to be relaxing with Peter, but he was slightly afraid of Peter turning on him and becoming one of _them._ “I need—need to be alone.” He rolled off of the bed quickly and went into the bathroom, locking himself in a moment later. He was hyperventilating and upsetting himself the more he thought about this.

Thoughts about the brothel brought on thoughts related to different warehouses and a farmhouse. His wrists and arms began to cause him pain and he didn’t know why. He didn’t even know what was triggering all of this, but he wanted it to stop desperately. His head hurt just as much if not more and he didn’t know what to do. He felt so alone, so lost… Almost like he had the moment he’d woken up without knowing where he was or who he was. He still didn’t know where he’d been at the time, but he knows who he is now because Peter’s enlightened him, but there was so much about himself that he had yet to figure out completely.

His legs gave out and he barely managed to grab the sink and hold himself up for the most part. This feeling of weakness passed over him, frightening him. “Neal, are you okay?” Neal tried to speak and he couldn’t. He opened his mouth and no sound came out. He felt like he’d been screaming, but he knew he hadn’t once screamed since entering the bathroom. Were these demons things he needed to face in order to understand himself, in order to finally be happy with Peter and believe that Peter wouldn’t hurt him?

“Why would he hurt me?” he asked incredulously as he found his voice, wondering aloud why he even thought that Peter would purposely cause him pain. Everything was so damn confusing. “He loves me.” A deep, dark voice inside of him was telling him that he wasn’t loved, that he could never be loved and he didn’t want to believe it for one second. If Peter didn’t love him, Peter wouldn’t have brought him home to introduce him to their children. If Peter didn’t love him, Peter wouldn’t have tried to help him get through his moments of self-doubt, of self-loathing, and moments when he was severely depressed because he just wanted to _understand_ and he couldn’t. “He wouldn’t hurt me. P-Peter—he loves me.”

Peter stood on the other side of the door, brows furrowed, as he listened to his husband. “Neal? Neal, let me in, honey.” It took a few minutes and Peter tried not to act panicked, but Neal did eventually open the door. He looked a bit shaken up and Peter was instantly concerned when he saw how pale Neal was. “Are you okay?” he asked as he stepped closer, resting his hands on Neal’s hips.

“You…wouldn’t hurt me, right?”

“I couldn’t live with myself if I did purposely.” Sometimes accidentally as well. He hates hurting Neal physically and emotionally. Fortunately, he wasn’t the abusive kind of husband, so he never hurt Neal like that. He’s lashed out and hurt Neal with his words before, but they always talk it over to clear the air.

Neal stared up at Peter helplessly. “You have though. You hurt me before.” Peter didn’t know where all of this was coming from, but he wanted to help in any way that he could. “You beat me—until I went unconscious.”

It dawned on Peter then. “Honey, that’s not what you think it is,” he said, trying his hardest not to frighten Neal with the idea that it might actually be just what he’s thinking. “You and I worked together as FBI agents. That was a case we took together. We were undercover for a really…awful man.” He remembered that that had been where the scar on Neal’s back came from. He hadn’t been there to see it happen and Neal never really talked about it, but he’d been scarred. “Your cover was blown when I wasn’t with you. To keep up appearances, you…implied that you needed me to play along with what they wanted and that included hurting you.” Neal’s eyes watered and Peter’s hands flew up to caress the sides of Neal’s face. “I’d never hurt you like that under normal circumstances. I…considered leaving you or something because I was so upset with myself for allowing myself to cause you so much pain…”

That made a little more sense to Neal now. While he’d been in the bathroom, he’d seen so many memories in which he’d been beaten. The one involving Peter frightened him more than anything, which is why that was the first thing he brought to Peter. “So you weren’t…?”

“No,” Peter whispered. “I’d never hurt you. That was the only time I ever did and you, unfortunately, gave me permission to do so. I didn’t want to and I hated watching you suffer at my hands.”

Neal blinked back his tears until he was sure they weren’t going to fall. That made sense. Peter hadn’t been angry with him—or anything like that. “Okay,” he whispered, relieved. He was afraid that Peter had abused him at least once before, but that wasn’t exactly the case and it made other things clearer. He’d wondered why Peter was upset while he was with him during the recovery at home. Peter had been taking care of him then and it wasn’t making up for hurting him—not in the way he was thinking anyway.

Peter rubbed his thumbs over Neal’s cheeks. “I love you. Watching you suffer hurts me, too. I hate when I make you cry or run from me. I’m trying to be better,” he whispered. He hated that Neal was afraid of him. He never wanted to see Neal so afraid even though he’d seen it in the past. “I love you,” he repeated. He tentatively leaned closer to Neal and kissed him softly, closing his eyes while hoping Neal was doing the same rather than wishing he’d stop.

When he briefly opened his eyes to look at Neal, Neal’s eyes were closed and his hands were wrapping around Peter’s torso then. Peter internally sighed in relief. They were okay. “God,” Neal said when they broke away. He rested his head on Peter’s shoulder and Peter rubbed his back soothingly. “I wish this would stop. We haven’t even been here a full day and I’ve—”

“No,” Peter interrupted. “Don’t, okay? Nothing is ruined. I’m still happy to be here with you and this is part of why we’re alone together. I know you have a lot of questions and you’ll probably have several more over the course of these two weeks.” He squeezed Neal’s left hip gently, adding, “I’m here for you. You can ask or talk about anything you please and I will be honest with you. If something upsets you or frightens you, you tell me. Don’t keep things hidden from me please.”

Neal nodded, sliding his left hand up and down Peter’s back. Peter liked the feeling of Neal’s fingers on his body. He may not be naked, but Neal’s touch was still enough to send sparks surging through him and, hopefully, between them. “Thank you for being so patient with me,” he whispered, kissing Peter’s neck. “It means a lot to me. Helping me understand things is… Just thank you, Peter. I need you so badly.”

Peter smiled a little, kissing the side of Neal’s face. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere—ever.” Tentatively, he slid his left hand underneath Neal’s shirt and rubbed his wedding ring against Neal’s back, touching his bare skin. “This ring means I’m yours,” he whispered. “I’ll always be only yours, Neal.” Neal breathed quietly, rubbing his own ring against Peter’s back. “How do you feel?” he asked a few moments later after giving Neal a little time to think to himself.

“I want to be happy,” he whispered. “You make me happy and I want to be happy with you.” He held onto Peter a little tighter as he asked, “Is there a way I can stop depressing us? I want this to be nice, but…” “Don’t worry,” he interjected. “Neal, you’re my lover. Everything about you is worth loving and listening to. You don’t need to worry about us. I’m still happy to be here with you. If you need to talk, then please do. You’re not depressing me.” Neal took a few moments to silently appreciate Peter. He felt silly for worrying about such trivial things during their anniversary vacation and even sillier for worrying Peter. “Will you come back to bed with me?” It was getting late by this point. They’d gotten a quick dinner while walking and eventually went back to the hotel just to relax. He was ready to get some sleep as long as Neal came along with him.

Neal nodded. “Always,” he whispered.

Smiling, Peter gently pulled away from Neal, reaching up to grip his chin enough to tilt his head up. “I _love_ you, Neal George Burke. I’ve promised to be with you through the good moments as well as the bad. I’m not going to walk away from you or get upset with you for asking about things you want to understand.” He shook his head before kissing Neal’s forehead and then his nose. “I’m more than happy to help you. Even if some of the memories aren’t pleasant, they need to be pieced together for you and I will do as much as I possibly can to make it easier and clearer.”

“Will you still make love to me during this vacation?” Neal asked timidly.

“Yes,” Peter said without hesitation. He was going to make love to Neal as many times as he possibly could the night of their anniversary as well as every night thereafter. By the time they went home, Peter was hoping Neal would only have his husband and their lovemaking on his mind—and any good memories he managed to retain after they went down memory lane together. “I’m promising you that. I’m not backing out unless you change your mind.”

“I wouldn’t even dream of changing my mind,” the younger man whispered. He’d wanted this intimacy, this closeness and love with Peter. He’d be damned if he chickened out at the last possible moment. No, he desperately wanted to be with Peter in that way and he was determined to see it through. He wanted to see the way Peter looked at him, hear the way Peter spoke to him, and feel the way Peter made love to him. It would all be different in comparison to the brothel and he hoped it would be so much better. He didn’t really doubt that it would be better, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up too high just in case. Peter, nonetheless, seems like he’d be a good lover. His personality has attracted Neal since they’d gotten close, so Neal only imagined Peter being gentle with him when they finally laid together and gave themselves to each other. 

Peter chuckled, nodding. “The option is still there regardless.”

They changed into their sleep clothes before crawling into bed together, laying side by side at first until Neal snuggled closer to the older man. “I don’t know how to tell you thank you,” he whispered, kissing the hollow of Peter’s throat as Peter wrapped his arm around Neal, rubbing the small of his back. “Rachel hated when I asked questions. Sometimes, she made Boothe hit me… You’ve been wonderful. I…don’t know how to thank you for listening to me, for bearing with me when I need you. Your patience is admirable.”

Peter chuckled. “Admirable patience has nothing to do with it,” he said softly. “You’re my Neal, my little teddy.” Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s throat and Peter kissed his hair. So things were a little rough to start off their vacation… He’d make the remainder of it better. “I love you, baby.” Neal murmured in kind, pressing himself against Peter completely. Peter was so used to spooning behind his husband. Holding him like this still felt strange at times, but he really didn’t mind. Any contact with Neal is good contact.

As he watched Neal slowly fall asleep, he silently promised his husband that things would get better. Just a few more days and he could completely give himself to his husband for what felt like the first time in forever…


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal celebrate their anniversary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neal still has a few of his _moments,_ but, needless to say, the entire last section of this chapter is filled with _love._ I don't think it's all that graphic, but I thought it was necessary to write it in length. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Neal woke up to Peter stroking his hair gently. He liked how it felt even if it made him feel like Peter’s pet. Knowing that Peter’s fingers were carding through his hair made him feel loved and Peter did confess that he loved touching Neal’s hair, that he loves Neal’s hair in general. “Good morning,” Peter whispered, knowing Neal was awake when he saw Neal smile a little. He loved being able to wake Neal up like this. It was better than the alternative… Stroking Neal’s hair, kissing him, or any other loving gesture was worthwhile even if it woke him out of his sleep. Peter wanted to do everything he could to make Neal feel loved and appreciated.

It was also the day of their anniversary—of the initiation of their relationship as well as the sealing of it through marriage.

“Good morning,” Neal murmured, rubbing Peter’s abdomen. He opened his eyes enough to see Peter and smiled up at him. His heart pounded because Peter had been smiling at him before he’d opened his eyes to see it. “You sleep okay?”

Peter leaned forward and kissed Neal’s hair, whispering, “I always sleep wonderfully when I have you in my arms.” Knowing that he was going to attempt to make love to Neal tonight… All he wanted right now was to kiss him until he was breathless and make love to him until he couldn’t remember his own name. Neal’s been that way a few times in the past and it made him chuckle sometimes, but he likes having the ability to make his husband lose his senses when they’re together. It hadn’t been that passionate in quite some time, but he blamed himself for that. He’d caused problems between them and then he’d allowed Neal to be kidnapped by a sadistic bitch. Tonight was going to be different.

The older man was startled when Neal lifted his hand and stroked Peter’s forehead. He gave Neal a look of question. “Getting rid of the not-so-positive thinking,” he muttered. “You have these lines that form when you furrow your eyebrows. Every time you do it when I’m not confusing you, I know something’s wrong.”

“Mm,” Peter murmured. “Well, I’ll push those thoughts aside, my perceptive sweetheart.” _Bastard._ He hated that he was so obvious. The last thing he wanted to do was influence Neal’s thoughts and feelings in that way. Putting himself down for failing Neal was bad enough; he didn’t want Neal hurting himself to make up for Peter’s anguish.

Neal looked a little sad as he said, “This is our vacation like you keep telling me. It’s no excuse, but I honestly can’t help getting a little down when memories come surging back to the surface the way they have been.” He leaned forward and kissed Peter’s nose, whispering, “I don’t want you to be upset. You have an amazing smile.”

It took everything in Peter to not roll over and pin Neal down onto the bed beneath him. They’d both been looking forward to today—tonight, really—and neither of them wanted to put a damper on things. Peter grinned at his husband, caressing the younger man’s cheek gently before proceeding to kiss him passionately. “You’re so sweet,” he whispered against Neal’s lips when they finally parted. “I’m glad you’re _mine._ ” The way he said that word made Neal shiver with eagerness and anticipation.

“Only yours,” Neal whispered, his eyes closed as Peter gently peppered kisses along his jaw. He gasped quietly when Peter trailed his kisses up to a sensitive spot behind his ear. It sent all of these wonderful feelings through him and he wondered for a brief moment if Peter knew about that spot in particular because he kept kissing it, even allowing his tongue to slip out from between his lips to gently touch Neal’s skin for a moment.

Warmth was pooling in Neal’s belly and he knew he was going to make a mess of things—figuratively and literally. He was trying to stop it, to push his satisfaction down a bit. Having Peter continuously kiss such a sensitive area while moving to rest his hand on Neal’s chest was, unfortunately, enough to please him. It was unfortunate because he came in a rush—right in his pants.

Peter froze when Neal released a tortured cry. He hadn’t meant to hurt Neal by kissing him the way he had been and it never hurt him before. Pulling back, he saw how tense Neal’s jaw was and how tightly his eyes were shut. “Neal? Neal, honey, open your eyes.” He was suddenly afraid that something he’d done brought on memories Neal didn’t want to see flash before his eyes. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he murmured. “You’re safe with me.”

“Get off,” Neal whispered.

The older man immediately removed himself from Neal’s body entirely, staring at his face before realizing Neal’s chest was heaving. “What’s wrong? You can—” Embarrassment flashed across Neal’s expression as he sat up and threw the cover back, quickly lurching from the bed to dart into the bathroom. He slammed the door and locked it, leaving Peter speechless in their bed. “What the hell are you so embarrassed about?” Peter whispered to himself, wondering why Neal had run off like that when he was clearly enjoying himself. Then it dawned on him. It’d been a while since they made love, but he immediately remembered that cry Neal let out just a few moments earlier. The only thing that could ever make him sound that way while they were together was his orgasm—even though Peter’s name hadn’t been mixed into it. He slid out of bed and knocked on the door, telling him, “Neal, don’t be embarrassed. It’s okay.”

Neal was silent even as Peter tried to reassure him, promising that everything was fine and that he hadn’t done anything that was worth feeling embarrassed about. He asked Neal to come out and Neal didn’t want to. He needed to change his clothes, but he didn’t want Peter to see him like this. Swallowing the sliver of pride he had left, he whispered, “Can you get me a change of pants and underwear?”

Peter was rummaging through Neal’s suitcase a moment later and then he knocked on the door. “I have them for you.”

“Are you going to come in here when I open the door?”

Sighing, Peter said, “I won’t if you don’t want me to come in.” Neal unlocked the door and opened it just enough to put his arm through and Peter gave him the articles of clothing he’d asked for. As promised, he didn’t try to get into the bathroom with him. He stood outside the door even as Neal shut it again. He hadn’t locked it and Peter could hear him changing his clothing, but not before Neal ran the water for a few moments. If Peter hadn’t known what happened already, he would’ve figured it out then. He waited patiently for his husband until the door finally opened and he came face to face with his husband whose face was completely flushed and whose eyes were downcast. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Neal. I’m sorry that I kept going without realizing what I was doing to you. I’m not upset with you and I’m not going to laugh at you either.”

Neal blinked back tears and said, “I didn’t mean to come in my pants like a teenage boy.”

With a small smile, Peter said, “Don’t be embarrassed. I guess I just…overdid it.”

“Those were the best feelings my body’s ever had,” Neal whispered, lifting his eyes to meet Peter’s hesitantly. “Well, not that I can remember if there have ever been better feelings…”

That made sense to Peter—complete sense. Neal hadn’t been touched or kissed tenderly when he’d been with Rachel or in the brothel. “I’m sorry that I embarrassed you, but there’s really no reason to feel bad, honey.” He lifted his hands and caressed Neal’s cheeks, rubbing his thumbs over Neal’s cheekbones. “I’m glad I made you feel good. You just, unfortunately, had too much clothing on.”

Neal’s face heated up even more and Peter knew he needed to do something because Neal would run or get even more upset. He lowered his hands and wrapped his arms around Neal’s torso, kissing his neck once. He didn’t want to repeat that experience for Neal unless Neal was undressed. “Peter,” he whined before sighing. He gave up on being upset and returned the embrace, thankful to have a husband as understanding as Peter.

“We’re going to make _our day_ a good day,” Peter whispered. “I’m not going to let anything happen that’ll upset you more.”

And they lazed around their hotel room for a little while before asking Neal to go out with him for a little while—like a very long date. Neal was more than happy to after his little embarrassment finally passed over him entirely. He wanted to have a nice anniversary with Peter, especially since it’s the only one he’ll remember unless something else comes from it. He’d love to remember their previous anniversaries, but he knew he would only give himself migraines and a whole boatload of frustration if he kept wishing he could have those memories.

They walked hand-in-hand, enjoying a very smooth walk through the streets of Paris. They could people-watch, look at the sights around them, and talk to each other. “You okay?” Neal asked quietly, looking up at Peter after a few minutes of silence.

Peter squeezed Neal’s fingers gently, smiling softly at him. “More than okay. Just enjoying the fact that you’re here with me.”

The blush that spread across Neal’s cheeks made Peter smile broadly. “I know it’s probably not wise to ask this on our anniversary, but…do I _really_ mean this much to you? Like, you really wouldn’t know what to do without me?” He highly doubted that he meant that much to anyone. His son, maybe, but he didn’t really think he was worth anything to anyone at times.

Neal startled when Peter abruptly stopped and he immediately looked fearful, like he’d overstepped boundaries with what he now thought was a very thoughtless comment. “You mean _everything_ to me. I would never lie to you about your value to me,” he whispered fiercely. “Don’t you ever tell yourself that you mean nothing. To me, you are the stars, the sun, the moon, and the entire sky all in one.” Neal was relieved when Peter shifted to stand in front of him, letting go of Neal’s hand to rest his hands on Neal’s hips, squeezing them gently. “I’ve lost you too many times. I can barely function without you.”

Sensing the sincerity in his husband’s words, Neal simply nodded and whispered, “I’m not leaving you—ever.”

Peter gave him a small smile before kissing him sweetly. “Good. I don’t think I could bear the thought of you being anywhere else, with anyone else…”

Neal tentatively wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck, blinking back tears. “After falling in love with you, there can be no other,” he said sincerely. He didn’t care that Peter was, technically, his first love. He hadn’t loved Rachel nor had she really loved him. Peter showed him love—real love. Peter cares about him, wants to help him, and holds him close even when he doesn’t ask to be held. It’s almost like Peter knew Neal craved being in Peter’s arms. “There’s no one else for me,” he whispered. “Peter, you’re so special. I’m not saying that because I have some kind of hero complex. You’ve saved me from the brothel and you’ve repeatedly saved me from myself. You’ve never hit me when I’ve spoken my mind with you and you…”

He trailed off when he saw the tears in Peter’s eyes. Instantly concerned, he moved his hands to Peter’s shoulders, clutching them nervously. He didn’t want to upset Peter and he didn’t understand what he’d done that made Peter cry. “No one should ever be treated the way you were treated there,” Peter said fiercely. “No one should ever go through the things you’ve gone through.” His grip on Neal’s hips tightened and Neal remained silent, slightly afraid of Peter. He wasn’t sure what to do and he didn’t know what Peter was going to do. “When I married you, part of my promise to you was that I would always protect and love you. I will _never_ hit you, Neal. I will _never_ tell you that you’re not allowed to speak your mind.” The subsequent kiss was just as passionate as his words. “You are the love of my life, my soulmate. If I were to abuse your love for me, I’d be no better than anyone who’s ever caused you any kind of pain in the past. I _can’t_ give you limitations and restrictions. You’re as free as I am—and you always will be, baby.”

“Wow,” Neal breathed without thinking. He hadn’t anticipated such a heated, honest speech from Peter. Blushing furiously, he quickly recovered with, “I trust you, Peter, more than I trust anyone. I told you when you were in the hospital with me that I felt safe with you. I didn’t know why then, but I do now.” Peter’s brows furrowed. He was curious to know why Neal felt safe when he hadn’t known who he was at first. “I guess my body and some part of my brain recognized you. Being close to you, hearing your voice, seeing you… I have these warm feelings inside of me. I feel safe with you even though I’ve been afraid that you’ll hurt me sometimes. It’s not my way of saying you’re an abusive man.” He inhaled sharply before saying, “I’ve learned. You’re such an amazing man. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Not only did you marry me and treat me like royalty, but you’ve stuck by my side through everything—even after I lost my memory. You haven’t threatened to leave me or stick me in some place to get rid of me. You’ve kept me in our home, helped me interact with our children and your parents, and you’ve finally allowed yourself to love me the way you always have because you know I feel the same way about you.”

If they weren’t out in public, Peter would— Oh, to hell with it. He pulled Neal close, holding him like a lover would, and proceeded to kiss him like they’d kissed a thousand times before. Neal participated eagerly in the kiss, opening his mouth to allow Peter entrance without thinking about it. Peter’s tongue met Neal’s and danced with it in Neal’s warm, wet mouth. Why not French kiss while in France?

Peter tested some waters, tentatively sucking on Neal’s tongue. Pressed so closely against Neal, he could feel Neal’s reaction against his groin. He was glad Neal was excited. He just didn’t want Neal to come in his pants again. Reliving this morning would probably bother the hell out of Neal and Peter wanted to avoid that if possible. He could wait to make Neal come again when they were back in their hotel room—and naked.

As they parted, Neal felt dizzy in his euphoria. He couldn’t breathe. Peter left him breathless and wanting more. Peter stared at Neal’s face, noting that Neal hadn’t breathed in several seconds. “Honey,” he said urgently. “Breathe, baby.” Neal’s eyes widened and then he breathed like Peter asked. Once his breathing evened out, Peter laughed lightly. “Good lord. I didn’t realize you’d lose your senses like that.” Neal made a small giggling sound that made Peter’s heart flutter. “I’ll have to be a bit more careful next time,” he said softly with a wink before taking Neal’s hand in his.

“You’ve seriously been holding out on me,” Neal said breathlessly. “I loved it, but you might actually end up killing me if you kiss me like that a lot.” Peter chuckled, shaking his head, squeezing Neal’s hand gently. Neal did love that kiss. He wanted Peter to kiss him like that more often.

The last thing he wanted Peter to do with him was _be careful._

•◊•

“It’s beautiful,” Neal said, awed.

Peter’s eyes were on Neal’s face while they sat in the grass within view of the Eiffel Tower. At night, the Tower would light up every hour on the hour, and Peter had every intention of bringing Neal to see it with him. He just didn’t agree with Neal. “You’re the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” he whispered to his husband. Neal immediately gave Peter his attention and smiled at him appreciatively. Yes, the Eiffel Tower was definitely a beauty, but he felt that it was nothing in comparison to the beauty sitting beside him.

Neal shifted closer to Peter until they both moved around a bit. He was between Peter’s legs, leaning back against Peter. He’d really enjoyed the day with Peter because Peter had been so sweet. Lunch had been lunch, but Peter took him to a few waterfalls he’d discovered and they’d gotten a little wet together. Dinner was beautiful—a candlelit dinner in an alley with spaghetti. It was definitely a _Lady and the Tramp_ moment and it meant so much to him. After they’d eaten dinner, they went for another stroll together and walked along the Seine again.

When they’d gotten closer to a few mini amphitheatres, they discovered an area where several couples were dancing. At first, they’d simply observed on steps nearby and Neal watched everyone, awestruck. A French man had, unfortunately, enough nerve to approach Neal while they were people-watching though. He’d taken Neal’s hand, kissed his knuckles, and asked for a dance. Had it not been for Neal’s eyes in that moment, Peter might’ve killed the man for attempting to dance with his husband. It was obvious that they were together and the man had deliberately kissed Neal’s _left_ hand, so his wedding ring had definitely been in that man’s line of sight.

After politely declining to dance with the man, he’d walked off while grumbling something in French under his breath. Peter didn’t know a whole lot of French, but he knew the man was cursing him for interfering and he swelled with pride. _No one_ would take his husband from him. Damn them if they tried because Peter would rain holy hell over them.

Needless to say, the man piqued Neal’s interest and Neal observed the dancers before them for quite some time before asking Peter to dance with him. Peter hesitated, but he didn’t want to deny Neal anything—and he knew how to tango, which is what most if not all of the couples had been dancing. Thank God for Elizabeth. She’d forced him into dancing lessons and they definitely paid off when he’d been asked to dance by Neal. He’d surprised Neal by leading very quickly and with ease, but Neal kept up with him after he’d soaked in every movement the dancers made with their partners. He differentiated the leading partner from the follower and was able to learn from that alone.

“Thank you for tonight—today, actually,” Neal whispered to the older man, resting his hands on Peter’s arms that were wrapped around him. “It was very beautiful and I’m very happy. I’m very thankful to be married to you.”

Peter softly said, “Today isn’t over yet.”

Neal shivered, anticipation and eagerness surging through him in that moment. He’d almost forgotten what Peter promised him for tonight because he’d been so distracted by Peter’s sweet, emotional love. “I don’t want today to be over.”

The older man tensed for a very brief moment before finally saying, “It won’t end until you tell me it does.” Neal’s eyes widened and then he relaxed when he understood what Peter was implying. He grinned up at him and Peter’s thumb rubbed over Neal’s abdomen. Kissing Neal’s temple, Peter whispered, “I will make love to you all through the night and into the next morning until I’ve left you completely exhausted and sated in my arms.”

“Is this your way of asking me to go back to the hotel with you?” Neal teased. Peter didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to pressure Neal. He was still giving Neal the option to change his mind. The last thing he wanted to do was make Neal feel like they _had_ to make love. He desperately wanted to make love with his husband, but he could hold off if it made Neal uncomfortable. He was beginning to doubt that Neal would back out, but he left it open to possibility. “I wouldn’t mind.” Meeting Peter’s eyes, Neal’s own filled with concern. “You don’t want to…?”

Peter heard the confusion in his voice and sighed quietly. “I do. Do you?” Neal nodded. “Then say it.”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal said, “I want to make love with you.”

Several minutes of silence passed between them and Neal was tense, beginning to feel awkward with Peter. He didn’t know what Peter wanted. He sounded like he wanted to make love, but did he really not want to? Neal was receiving very mixed signals from his husband and he’d made it very clear to Peter before that he didn’t like mind games. His brain hurt whenever he’d over-think something and he was doing that right now. “Do you want to go back to the hotel or would you rather we wait a little while?”

“If you don’t want to do it, just say so. You’ve never forced me, so I’m not going to force you,” Neal snapped. He rubbed his temples and Peter noticed.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re giving me a fucking migraine,” Neal whispered. “I don’t know what you want to do and you’re not making sense to me. I thought we were—”

Peter slid his left hand up Neal’s chest, rubbing over his heart. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I want to make love to you. I just want to know if you’re completely ready and willing before I take you back to our hotel room.” He swallowed a lump in his throat as he said, “Once I’m inside of you, I can’t take that feeling back. I don’t want you to regret it.”

Neal rested his hand over the hand Peter placed on his chest and sincerely responded, “Take me back to the hotel. I want this—I want you.”

They parted enough so Neal could turn completely and look at him, showing his husband how serious he was. He wasn’t going to back out. After wanting this for what felt like an eternity, he wanted this so badly. Peter promised him that they’d make love and he wasn’t about to let Peter go back on that promise. He isn’t afraid of Peter anymore, especially after having spent their anniversary with him. Peter is a romantic—a subtle romantic, as Neal discovered. Their alley dinner was part of that romantic demeanor in Peter, as was their dance.

After several moments of deliberation, Peter nodded and took Neal’s hand in his, helping him stand while he himself rose to his feet. He wanted to promise Neal that Neal would love what they were about to do, that he could go all night to satisfy Neal in every way, that he’d give Neal multiple orgasms, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he’d be able to do all of that for their ‘first time.’ He’d do everything he could to pleasure his husband because he, thankfully, knew most if not all of Neal’s erogenous zones. Hell, he’d given Neal an orgasm that very morning simply by kissing the sensitive spot near his ear.

If Peter wanted Neal to have multiple orgasms, he figured he could use that spot to his advantage. Neal has always been very sensitive to his touch, so Peter told himself that he _would_ pleasure his husband rather than hope he could do everything. He knows Neal’s body better than Neal himself.

•◊•

Neal could see the hunger in Peter’s eyes even though Peter wasn’t looking at him while he unlocked their hotel room. He wanted this as much as Neal—if not more. Neal knew Peter hadn’t had sex with anyone in months and Neal felt bad. He’d had sex with more than a dozen people in that time, so it wasn’t like he’d gone without that kind of arousal. The only difference was that there would be intimacy involved. He’s not entertaining Peter’s wants and needs. He’s making love with a man who loves him for _him._

As Neal was about to head in after Peter unlocked the door, Peter pressed a hand against Neal’s chest. “I want…” He looked a little nervous and Neal gave him a small smile, encouraging the older man. Clearing his throat, Peter finally said, “I want to carry you to our bed.”

The younger man kept smiling as he said, “I’d like that very much.” Before Peter had the opportunity to do so, Neal had a request of his own. “Can I have a few minutes before we…?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Of course, sweetheart.” He let Neal go in first and Neal was quick to grab one of his suitcases—and Peter knew which one it was. He watched Neal dart into the bathroom and found himself feeling very happy. After a few months, he was finally going to be intimate with his husband.

Neal stood in the bathroom alone, eyes wide. He didn’t entirely know what Peter was expecting of him, so he was essentially winging the whole thing. He’d elected to read about some things on Peter’s phone while Peter slept and successfully erased the sites he’d visited from the web history, but he was still nervous. Upon opening the suitcase and the bag containing the lingerie, he was even _more_ nervous. “He’s going to laugh at you,” he whispered to himself as he sifted through the lingerie he and Elizabeth purchased. “Jesus. This is going to be such a train wreck…” He’d asked Elizabeth for a little advice before all of this and so he was doing what she suggested. He stripped himself entirely, pulling out the black, lacy lingerie Elizabeth said he should wear before their first time. Swallowing hard, he slipped them on and proceeded to grab a shirt he’d _borrowed_ from Peter. It was a little oversized on him, but Elizabeth suggested that he wear one of Peter’s shirts.

He reached into another part of the suitcase and pulled a razor and shaving cream out. Biting his lip, he looked at himself in the large mirror. He had no idea if Peter would like any of this, but he was going to try. If Peter laughed at him, then he knew he’d fucked up. Breathing heavily, Neal went through the process of applying shaving cream to his face—and his legs.

By the time he’d finished, both his face and legs felt very smooth. He’d been a little concerned about shaving in general and Elizabeth only suggested his face, but he read a few things about shaving his legs and, upon thinking about it a little more, he just realized that the forum he’d been reading was for _women._ He mentally cursed himself and his face heated up. What’s done was done, but he felt like he was going to embarrass the hell out of himself. He’d done a wonderful job of doing just that this morning. He didn’t want Peter to laugh at him…

“Honey, are you okay in there?” Peter asked concernedly. Neal tried to answer, but he felt a lump in his throat. He wanted this to be perfect and he really had no idea what he was doing. This was so much harder for him than it had been in the brothel or with Rachel. They’d just used him. Peter didn’t want to use him, so he didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing nor did he know if it was supposed to be any different than what he’d already experienced. He was having a nervous breakdown as he looked down at himself in the lingerie and then at his legs. “Neal? Neal, are you okay?” Neal closed his eyes and his jaw set firmly.

“You major fuck up,” he hissed at himself a moment later. “You can’t do a damn thing right.”

Peter heard Neal and immediately knew Neal was speaking to himself. “Baby, can I come in?” Neal made a sound on the other side of the door and Peter was half-tempted to barge in on him. As he was about to do so, Neal opened the door enough to let Peter know that he could come in, but he wasn’t in view. As soon as Peter was inside, he found Neal sitting on the bathtub’s ledge with his pants across his lap. “What’s wrong?” he asked concernedly. Neal looked up at him with tears in his eyes and Peter’s heart broke.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so lost.”

The older man knelt in front of Neal and rested his hands on Neal’s legs, feeling his bare skin. Before he could speak, his eyes widened. Neal’s legs had never been this smooth before. Backing up just enough to look for himself, he said, “Did you shave your legs?” Neal was silent and Peter looked at him just in time to see his eyes close and tears slide down his cheeks. “Sweetheart, don’t cry.”

Neal’s jaw was beginning to ache with how tense it was. “I want to do this, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what you like. I don’t want to disappoint you.” Gesturing at his legs, he said, “I realize now that this wasn’t something I should’ve done. I’m such an idiot. Jesus Christ.”

“How about this?” he said softly, taking Neal’s hand in his. “You relax and let me lead, okay?” Neal met his gaze and Peter released Neal’s right hand so he could lift his left hand to wipe away Neal’s tears. “No more crying, honey. It’s all okay. I’m sorry that you’re stressed about this, but it’s just me. I don’t expect anything special. Actually, I don’t expect anything. _You_ are special enough. Simply having you this way is wonderful.”

“I—”

“Will you let me lead you?” Neal took a few moments to respond, but nodded. Peter gave him a small smile and kissed his cheeks, licking away his tears very slowly. “Don’t worry about a damn thing. It’s just us.” He took Neal’s pants and set them on the bathtub ledge, finally seeing the lingerie Neal was wearing. His throat dried immediately and he was harder than hell. Neal was watching him, trying to figure out what he needed to do and Peter didn’t _need_ him to do anything.

He pulled Neal’s legs around his hips and Neal instinctively wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck just as Peter lifted him. Neal crossed his ankles behind Peter and his heart fluttered when Peter kissed his neck while he carried him out of the bathroom and to their bed. He relaxed when Peter laid him down at the center and straddled his waist.

No words passed between them as Peter leaned down and captured Neal’s lips with his own, kissing him slowly. Their eyes closed while they kissed and Peter tentatively grinded himself against Neal, letting Neal know how pleased he was already. The second they parted for breath, Neal whispered, “Peter,” like a prayer, breathing his name like it actually held air he needed in order to survive.

Peter smiled, shifting to kiss Neal’s forehead, both of his temples, his cheeks, the corners of his mouth, and then along his jaw line. Neal’s entire body felt— He didn’t even know how to describe the feeling. Peter’s hands were sliding underneath his shirt, rubbing up and down his chest gently. Deliberately choosing to avoid the sensitive spot behind Neal’s ear, Peter continued to kiss Neal’s throat until he reached the collar of what he realized was actually his shirt. Eyes wide and hungry, Peter looked at Neal and said, “Do you realize how sexy it is that you’re wearing _my_ clothing?” Neal didn’t know that, but he was glad he did something sexy. Peter moaned and proceeded to slide the shirt off of his husband. Neal could wear Peter’s clothes whenever he wanted. Right now, Peter didn’t want Neal wearing _any_ clothes.

Once the shirt was discarded, Peter kissed across Neal’s collarbone, each of his shoulders, and began to trail his lips down Neal’s right arm. “Peter,” Neal whispered. “God… Peter…”

Chuckling to himself, Peter kissed down the length of Neal’s left arm and then returned to Neal’s chest, sucking on each nipple tenderly before kissing him directly down the center to his navel. Neal was squirming beneath him, but he knew Neal was enjoying this. Before, Neal might’ve said that Peter was torturing him. Now, Neal wanted this torturous love. He hadn’t felt anything like this since he’d woken up without his memories. “Promise me you’ll wear these for me again soon,” he murmured as he kissed across each of Neal’s abs. He hooked his fingers under Neal’s lingerie and had every intention of pulling them down to toss them aside, but he thought better of that. Neal went through the mental embarrassment of wondering if the lingerie was something Peter would like, so Peter wanted to show him just how much he liked it.

He licked along the outline of the lace, tasting hints of Neal’s skin. He licked the patterns of the lingerie over Neal’s hips, down towards his rear, and then gradually made his way towards the bulge he wanted to suck into his mouth like a vacuum. “If you always kiss me like this, then hell yes,” Neal breathed.

Peter appreciated every part of Neal’s lingerie twice before meeting Neal’s eyes, silently asking for his permission to remove the material that barely concealed his manhood.  
Neal’s sounds aroused Peter to no end as he took the time to appreciate Neal’s thighs and every inch of skin between Neal’s legs before finally making his way towards Neal’s cock. He kept his eyes on Neal the whole time, watching his reaction. He wanted Neal to trust him, which is why he decided he was pleasuring his husband first.

When he finally swallowed Neal’s hard length, Neal gasped, his back arching off of the bed. The fingers of his left hand tangled in Peter’s hair as Peter slowly sucked on him, lapping his tongue at Neal’s slit every now and then just to elicit another pleased gasp from the younger man. And that was how he’d gotten Neal to orgasm for the first time. Neal cried out—failing to add Peter’s name into his cry—as he released into Peter’s mouth.

Diligent husband that he is, Peter swallowed every last drip of come that came out of his husband. It was a taste he’d missed for so long and he wanted to burst into tears of joy now that he’d been given that taste once again.

Once Neal relaxed himself after his climax he asked if he could return the favor and Peter hesitantly conceded, but he said he’d allow it only if Neal allowed them to shift into a sixty-nine position, which Neal gladly agreed to. Peter avoided Neal’s sensitive cock for the moment and tried his damnedest not to thrust into Neal’s mouth the second Neal sucked him into his hot, wet mouth. He let Neal do what Neal wanted to do and proceeded to do what he wanted to do to Neal.

He hadn’t done it a whole lot when Neal had his memories, but he’d discovered that Neal loved it nonetheless. Tentatively, he spread Neal’s legs and gently gripped his hips, shifting himself until he could lick at Neal’s hole. Neal gasped and shuddered, loving the sensations Peter gave him. He kept sucking on his husband while Peter licked him and he felt like he was going to come undone again.

Both of them were sweating by this point and Peter was enjoying what he was doing to Neal until he heard how labored Neal’s breathing was. Neal announced that he was going to come again and that was when Peter slid his tongue _into_ Neal. Neal hadn’t lied when he said he was going to come and he, surprisingly, had hardened very quickly to release again.

They continued pleasuring each other this way until Peter finally decided to use his fingers to open his husband. It didn’t take very long before he knew Neal was opened enough. “Are you ready?” Peter whispered, resting his hand on Neal’s hip, rubbing it gently.

“Yes,” Neal said instantly.

Both men began to move and anger surged through Peter when Neal turned over onto his stomach and pushed himself up. “No,” Peter growled, frightening Neal enough to make him shift away until he could look at Peter’s face. “I should have made this very clear before, but you are _not_ allowed to face away from me.” Neal’s eyes were wide and full of confusion. It was the only position Neal knew to use with a man. “On your back.” Hesitantly, Neal did as Peter said, lying on his back. “We’ve never used that position,” he whispered before tentatively kissing Neal. “I refuse to use it with you. I want you to look at me when I make love to you—and I want nothing more than to look at you as I make love to you.”

Neal nodded, whispering, “I’ll remember that next time.”

Peter hovered over his husband, staring directly into his eyes. He was searching those beautiful blue orbs and found exactly what he was looking for. Neal trusted him—loved him. He’d seen that in Neal’s eyes so many times before and knew they’d be just fine.

The older man held onto his husband, loving that Neal held him much the same, as they connected for the first time in months—and for the first time in Neal’s case. Neal’s eyes fluttered to a close and his mouth opened when Peter was fully sheathed inside of him. Peter’s movements were slow and full of love. Neal knew the difference between fucking and lovemaking now that Peter was making love to him.

He couldn’t help crying as Peter kissed him, thrusting into him at a pace they could both enjoy—that Peter knew they’d enjoy. Peter swallowed Neal’s cries while kissing him and he listened to his husband’s panting, his pleading for more, his moans and groans, and the sounds he recognized as Neal’s orgasms. Neal wasn’t going to ejaculate again—not yet, but he was experiencing orgasms nonetheless. Not once did he mention Peter’s name.

Neither of them kept track of how long they’d been connected. They were sweating heavily and Peter’s fingers were tangled in Neal’s hair before he shifted his hands to take Neal’s in them, intertwining their fingers while holding Neal’s hands against the pillows he’d laid Neal upon.

Neal’s kisses were desperate and lustful. He wanted Peter’s mouth, to feel his lips, to kiss him. His legs were pressed against Peter’s sides and he was squeezing Peter’s fingers tightly, gasping each and every time Peter brushed against his prostate.

Peter rocked against his husband, showing him physically how much he loves Neal. Never did he allow himself to lose control with him. During this ‘first time,’ he wanted to be in absolute control because this was for them as much as it was directly for _Neal._ Shockingly, as they were nearing the end, Neal began to say Peter’s name, moaning it and begging him for more. By the time Peter finally ejaculated, he was stunned by the fact that Neal came simultaneously—and they both cried each other’s names simultaneously as well. Peter’s heart warmed when Neal kept whispering Peter’s name repeatedly after he’d cried out. He hadn’t expected Neal to say his name in his release since he hadn’t before, but it was a beautiful thing nonetheless.

“Neal,” he said breathlessly as he released Neal’s hands and stroked Neal’s hair with his left hand, using his right to wipe away Neal’s tears.

“I love you so much,” Neal sobbed, wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck before he kissed him passionately. Neal cried for what seemed like an indefinite amount of time, but he was _happy._ He felt wonderful. He felt loved, cared for, cherished, and _wanted._

Peter loved how happy Neal was. Neal looked like he was _glowing._ He hadn’t been this happy in…a while. “I love you so much, sweetheart,” he whispered to Neal as he hovered over his husband, staring at Neal’s face as Neal finally opened his eyes—his tear-filled eyes. “Happy anniversary, angel.”

Neal caressed Peter’s cheeks, rubbing Peter’s cheekbones as he smiled up at Peter while blinking his tears away. “Happy anniversary, Peter Michael,” he whispered. Peter’s heart skipped a beat. Neal didn’t know Peter’s middle name as far as Peter knew. The fact that he said it like he would have said it before made him wonder if something came back. He’d pry that answer out of Neal later because he could see his husband succumbing to his exhaustion.

After glancing at the clock, Peter realized he’d drawn out their lovemaking for a little over two hours. He’d exhausted the hell out of Neal after making him ejaculate three times and orgasm at least three or four times in between ejaculations. “Go to sleep,” Peter whispered, kissing Neal’s forehead as Neal struggled to keep himself awake.

“Chest.” Peter’s brows furrowed. “Want to hear your heart.” Peter nodded and finally separated their bodies, loving the small gasp that elicited from his husband. He laid on his back and watched Neal roll over to curl up to him, resting his head directly above Peter’s heart. “Beautiful,” Neal whispered after a few moments of silence passed between them.

Peter had so many questions for Neal. Did he satisfy Neal? Did he live up to anything Neal expected? Was Neal truly happy? He kept them to himself, letting his angel sleep against him. Neal fell asleep with a smile plastered onto his face and Peter knew the answers to his questions without having to hear Neal speak them.

He laid awake—barely—for a little while longer, stroking Neal’s arm. He’d thrown it across Peter’s abdomen and it laid there while he slept and Peter wanted to feel his warm skin. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered to his sleeping lover. He blinked back tears of his own now that they’d both calmed down. Making love to Neal was an emotional experience for him because he’d done so while pretending Neal was a virgin—at Neal’s own request. He felt like he’d taken Neal’s virginity even though he knew damn well that he never had a chance in hell at taking something that should have been so special from Neal.

Neal snored quietly, sleeping peacefully against the older man’s body. Peter watched him, smiling at him, until he could no longer keep his eyes open. Their morning had started off rocky and the day progressed better than Peter had foreseen, but he was ecstatic to see how happy he’d made Neal tonight. A few tears escaped Peter’s eyes as Peter fully succumbed to his own exhaustion. Having Neal here again and having made love to Neal again… He wanted nothing more than to keep Neal this happy, to see him smile, to see his eyes filled with such love and trust…

He’d enjoyed their anniversary wholeheartedly. Despite embarrassing Neal that very morning, he loved eating with Neal, but he loved dancing with Neal so much more. They’d danced so passionately and Peter never wanted those few moments to end. It reminded him of the slow dance they’d shared the day they’d gotten married. Before they left Paris, he intended on slow dancing to _I Wanna Kiss You All Over_ with Neal as they had following their second wedding on their wedding day. They never truly spoke about the song, but Peter felt like it was _their_ song. They’d made love to it before and they’d danced to an instrumental of it while singing it quietly to each other after they’d gotten married.

As he laid in bed with Neal, listening to his soft snores, all he could hear were the lyrics to that particular song—the one he now deemed was theirs. _When I get home, babe, gonna light your fire. All day, I’ve been thinkin’ about you, babe. You’re my one desire. Gonna wrap my arms around you, hold you close to me. Oh, babe, I wanna taste your lips. I wanna fill your fantasy. Yeah… I don’t know what I’d do without you, babe. Don’t know where I’d be. You’re not just another lover. No, you’re everything to me…_

It truly was a happy anniversary. Neal’s smile was the only evidence Peter needed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal hit another bump in the road the day after their anniversary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking so long to update this story, but I've had a lot of things going on alongside writer's block. I, personally, am not satisfied with this chapter, but I couldn't think of anything better for the moment. Either way, I hope you all still enjoy it a little. Thank you for your continued support of this story and patience!

Sighing contentedly to himself, Neal laid beside Peter. He was holding himself up on his elbow, his eyes on Peter’s sleeping face. Peter looked as happy as Neal felt and that thrilled him. He felt like something inside of him shifted, but he didn’t know how to describe it. Before he’d fallen asleep, he’d wondered why he’d called Peter _Peter Michael._ Peter hadn’t said anything in response to those particular words, but he was curious. Was it Peter’s middle name? If so, how the hell did he know it? For the time being, he didn’t really care about those answers. Watching Peter sleep was so relaxing. His even breathing, the rise and fall of his chest, and the ways his eyes fluttered while he was dreaming made Neal’s heart pound. If he’d ever for one moment doubted that he loved Peter, he knew now that he loves Peter wholeheartedly. His reaction to Peter was so strong now—especially after last night.

When Peter did certain things, memories came back during their lovemaking. Moments when Peter worried that he’d hurt Neal, moments when he bit Neal while growling either his pleasure or Neal’s name, and some moments when Peter hugged him while they made love. He didn’t doubt that he and Peter were lovers after that experience. Not that he really doubted it by this point. Peter’s been completely honest with him and his honesty has brought memories back to him. If that didn’t indicate something, the memories he’d had last night with Peter did. Peter never treated him badly in bed. He always took care of him before, during, and after.

Neal stroked Peter’s hair gently, smiling softly at the older man. He had so many things he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how to properly express himself. He felt really overwhelmed with happiness. Peter hadn’t made him cry out in agony nor had he made him cry tears of desperation. He was a gentle lover—and always has been apparently. No memories of abuse came back to Neal at any point, so he _knows_ Peter truly loves him. Everything that flooded in during their lovemaking and while he was dreaming made him happy or excited him. He’d never been a hole for Peter to use or a warm body to lie in bed with. To Peter, Neal was the only one for him and he made that very clear in the memories Neal experienced.

He was going to order them some breakfast to eat if he could figure out how to, but he leaned over to kiss Peter’s forehead first. Much to his surprise, Peter’s arms wrapped around him loosely. He startled, but smiled when he realized Peter was awake. “Hey, stranger,” he whispered to Peter, kissing his forehead again.

“Hey, beautiful,” Peter whispered in response, opening his eyes to look up at his husband. “I just remembered that I didn’t give you the gift I got you for our anniversary.” Neal paled, feeling awful. He hadn’t done anything for Peter because he didn’t think Peter was doing anything for him. He just assumed their date was what they’d given each other. “You look sick,” Peter said concernedly, sitting up a bit. He pressed his hand against Neal’s forehead and asked, “Are you okay?”

“I didn’t get you anything,” Neal said, horrified.

Peter just smiled at him. “I know,” he said. Neal’s brows furrowed even as Peter kissed his nose. “We don’t usually give each other gifts because we’re each other’s annual and _daily_ gift. However, this gift has a purpose.” Neal sat back a bit and watched Peter move. He leaned over the side of the bed and gave Neal a very nice view of his ass while he rummaged through the suitcase on his side of the bed. Neal raised an eyebrow as he stared.

He kept staring, loving the way Peter’s body moved while Peter kept rummaging through his suitcase to find whatever it was that he was looking for. “You have a _really_ nice ass,” Neal said without first thinking about it. His eyes widened and he blushed heavily when Peter turned to look at him.

“I’m not used to hearing that,” Peter said amusedly. “I’m glad you like what you see though. Everything that belongs to me belongs to you, Neal.” Neal’s eyes completely bugged out when Peter turned away from him again. Was Peter giving him permission to make love _to_ him? He couldn’t see Peter letting _anyone_ do that and he really wondered if they’d switched positions before. He wouldn’t mind knowing how it felt to be inside of Peter now that he’d felt Peter inside of him. “Found it,” Peter said triumphantly as Neal ran his fingers over the curves of Peter’s ass down to the back of his thigh. Twisting, Peter smiled at Neal. He was holding a small box in his hand. “It isn’t…much, but I’ll explain why I got it for you.”

Neal nodded as he accepted the gift from Peter, crossing his legs to sit up entirely. The blanket covering them molded to his body perfectly and Peter had to force himself not to salivate in front of Neal. He was never sex-crazed when it came to Neal, but he’d wanted Neal so badly. He’d wanted to prove to Neal that they’re meant to be together, that they’re soulmates. After the previous night, he hoped he’d solidified their relationship and Neal’s trust in him.

As Neal opened the small box, his lips parted. Inside was a watch with a silver band. “It’s wonderful,” he said, smiling at Peter. He didn’t know what the significance was, but he did like it. “Thank you.” He leaned over and kissed Peter, who gratefully returned the kiss.

Peter sat up beside Neal and took the watch out of the box, slipping it onto Neal’s left wrist. “Okay,” he whispered. “I got this for you because…because I don’t want to lose you.” Neal’s brows furrowed, silently asking Peter to explain further. “There’s a GPS tracker inside of it,” he said hesitantly. “As long as you have it on you—anywhere on you—I can find you.” Neal stared at Peter, his lips still parted, and Peter didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. “I-I… I linked it up to an app on my phone. I can’t bear the thought of having to live without you after I’ve just gotten you back.” He tentatively rested his hand on Neal’s leg, rubbing his thumb over skin that was exposed. “If you think I’m controlling you or stalking you, you don’t need to wear it. I just…would like to know that you’re safe—or if you’re in danger. I want to be able to find you. I want to be able to save you before I _really_ lose you…”

“Oh, Peter…” he whispered. He rubbed the watch tenderly before wrapping his arms around Peter. Peter was surprised because he would’ve thought Neal would assert his independence. He didn’t like when Peter made him feel incompetent and Peter felt like this would bring on those thoughts. “Thank you, sweetheart.” Peter smiled as he returned Neal’s embrace, kissing his hair. “I don’t think this is controlling or stalking me,” he whispered a moment later, pressing his lips against Peter’s neck for a gentle kiss. “It means a lot to me. Knowing that you’ll be watching where I’m at will make me feel at ease if you’re not around.”

After Neal received the watch from Peter, Peter made very passionate love to him—again—and they laid very close together afterwards. Neal’s arm and leg was thrown over Peter’s body and there was a smile plastered to his face as he laid his head on Peter’s chest, his eyes closed. “I love you, Neal. I’m really grateful to have you. Not only are you my lover or my husband, but you’re my best friend and my soulmate.” Neal opened his eyes and looked up to meet Peter’s gaze. Peter’s breath was taken away by the sight of how beautiful and happy his husband is.

Neal snuggled closer to him, kissing his jaw. “I love you, too, Peter. Out of all the people in the world, I’m glad you’re the one I’m with—the one I’m going to be with for the rest of my life.” He sighed quietly, happily. “I was afraid of being with you when you showed me that your wedding ring matched mine. I didn’t trust you when you said it, but I trusted you enough to know you’d keep me safe in the hospital.” Peter kept his eyes on Neal, knowing something was really bothering him. He hoped to God it wasn’t something he’d done because he didn’t want to upset his husband. “I told Nicky that I was afraid to say ‘I love you’ because I didn’t want to hurt you. When I finally said it to you, I was so…relieved and excited.”

Peter chuckled. “I remember. You looked so cute.” He remembered when Neal first declared his love for him. Neal had been upset, but he came to a very sudden realization that he didn’t necessarily want to love Peter because he _does_ love Peter already. There was no wanting about it because he actually felt it in that moment and allowed himself to believe it. “My baby boy,” he whispered as he kissed Neal’s hair. The younger man wanted to ask Peter why Peter called him that, but he didn’t want to wreck the mood. Things were nice and the last thing he wanted to do was ask something ridiculous. “Something on your mind?” Peter asked when Neal was silent a little too long for his liking.

“It’s nothing,” Neal said, nuzzling the side of his face against Peter’s bare chest.

“It’s never nothing,” Peter said adamantly. “You’re my husband. Everything about you—your thoughts, your feelings, you in general—has meaning.”

Neal closed his eyes and shrugged. “Why do you call me your baby boy? I’m not saying I don’t like it. Just… I’m just curious to know what the story is behind that.”

Peter shrugged, rubbing Neal’s arm. “I don’t think there’s really a story behind it. You know you’re four years younger than me.” Neal nodded, shifting enough to look up at Peter again. “When I…lost you and Nicky, I was going downhill. It was rough because I was home with the twins while you and Nicky were suffering. I think I was talking to dad and he mentioned something about Nicky being my baby, but I corrected him and said you were my baby, too.” Neal smiled a little. He didn’t like how sad Peter sounded, but he liked that Peter considered him his baby—even if he didn’t want to be treated like a child. Pet names were different. “I’ve called you ‘baby’ a lot and it became ‘baby boy’ over time. I think it was partially influenced by you calling Nicky your baby boy. He’s always been your baby boy. When I look at you, I see someone beautiful, someone who shouldn’t have had his innocence stripped from him.”

“If this is upsetting you, you don’t have to keep talking about it,” Neal said quietly, biting his lip.

Peter lifted his hand and rubbed his thumb over Neal’s lip, gently nudging Neal’s teeth until Neal released his lip. “Don’t bite yourself like that. Not when we’re talking about things like this, honey.” Neal nodded, rubbing his leg against Peter’s slowly. He wasn’t trying to provoke Peter sexually. He just liked having skin-to-skin contact with the older man. “You’re my baby boy because I want to take care of you and make you feel loved. I knew about your past, but I watched you play with Nicky. When you played with him, you became such a child and I…loved it. I _really_ loved it. Watching you act so carefree, giggle, and laugh as you played with your son was beautiful.”

Neal gave his husband a small smile as he said, “So you liked when I would act completely innocent?”

Nodding, Peter whispered, “There were things you told me about your childhood—before you were raped. Those things made my heart hurt to think about because no child should have his or her childhood ruined the way yours was.” Kissing Neal’s lips, he added, “I don’t care how old you are. You could be forty-five and I would love watching you act like a five year old with your children—or with me. I think it’s adorable.” He stroked Neal’s jaw lightly and looked absolutely awed by his husband. “I wish I met you sooner. I wish I’d been in your life when you were eight years old because that’s when all of these terrible things started happening to you. If I’d been in your life, I could have given you somewhere safe to stay, somewhere you would’ve been happy to be.”

The younger man’s lips parted as tears welled up in Peter’s eyes. “Peter,” he pleaded quietly. “Peter, don’t cry.” He never liked seeing Peter cry. His strong, handsome husband shouldn’t have a reason to cry and he hated to think he was the reason Peter was crying. “I’m safe with you and I’m happy with you. That’s what’s important to me, okay?”

Peter shook his head, shifting to cry against Neal’s throat. “I wish I could have saved you before he hurt you. You never deserved to have your childhood stripped away from you. You never deserved to have your virginity taken by a man thirty years older than you. You never—”

“I’m with _you,_ ” Neal whispered, wrapping his arms around Peter. “For all intents and purposes, _you_ took my virginity last night. Don’t think about my past, Peter. I’m here with you.” Peter breathed shakily against Neal, holding him close. “You’re not going to lose me. I can promise you that. No matter what, I’m going to be with you, Peter. Nothing can take me away from you.” He was honestly speaking without giving his words any thought. He felt every word and every word was said with sincerity, but he said them before he realized he was saying them. “I mean, look. I lost my memory and here we are. I’m still with you. I’m in Paris with you. I shared last night with you.”

There was so much tension in Peter’s body after Neal mentioned his memory loss. Neal knew Peter blamed himself for that and he didn’t understand why. It wasn’t Peter’s fault and he never considered blaming Peter. Peter saved him from having to go through more than he already had. His days and nights of endless, faceless fucks came to an end when Peter pulled him into his arms in the brothel. “You don’t understand. You can’t possibly understand.”

Neal pushed himself up and tried to refrain from glaring at his husband. “Do you think I’m so ignorant that I can’t see what the problem is?” he snapped. Peter didn’t answer, so Neal continued. “You constantly blame yourself for everything that’s happened to me, Peter. None of it was your fault. My childhood, the first time I was raped, and even the fact that my memory is gone is _not_ your fault.”

“If I’d just—”

“I’m happier without some of my memories,” Neal interjected. “I’d rather not remember all of the times I was hurt by someone. I’m sorry that I lost memories of us and our children, but I’m trying to bring those back to the surface, okay? Can’t you see that I’m happy?”

“Ignorance is bliss,” Peter whispered. Neal’s entire demeanor changed and he shoved Peter away from him before rolling out of bed. “Neal,” Peter said apologetically as Neal grabbed his own suitcase and went into the bathroom, locking himself in there after slamming the door shut.

Peter groaned in frustration, wishing he’d think before speaking. He planted his face into his pillow and took a few moments to loathe himself.

•◊•

Neal stayed in the bathroom by himself for several hours even after Peter got out of bed and dressed himself. He asked Neal if Neal wanted to go out to lunch with him and Neal declined. Peter went out and brought food back to their hotel room, but Neal didn’t come out for it. When it came time for them to have dinner, he asked if Neal wanted to go out to eat and Neal, again, declined. The only thing he’s said to Peter since going into the bathroom has been, “No thanks.”

“Are you going to starve yourself in there because I made some asinine comment to you?” Peter growled at the door as he sat on the bed and stared at the barrier between him and his husband. He was frustrated because he’d upset Neal to the point where Neal didn’t even want to be around him. Neal wasn’t responding and Peter knew he was in there playing games on the new phone he’d bought for Neal. Since Neal didn’t want to use his old phone, Peter bought a new one for him because he wanted Neal to be able to contact him via text message or phone call if they weren’t together. He’d put all of Neal’s contacts into the phone—all of the contacts Neal had put faces to. He didn’t want to add someone that Neal didn’t remember just yet, so he’d picked out Elizabeth, Nicky, himself, and his parents.

His phone went off on in his pocket and he pulled it out quickly, hoping it was a text from Neal. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. “ _Are you really fighting with your husband on what’s supposed to be your anniversary vacation?_ ”

Peter closed his eyes and muttered, “Shit.” Neal texted Jon while he was in the bathroom. “Really? You went to my dad? I’m on the other side of the door and you had to text someone in another country.” Neal didn’t answer and Peter rolled his eyes as he texted his father back. “I said something stupid and he stubbornly locked himself in the bathroom. Can you tell him to come out and talk to me like an adult?”

A few moments later, he heard Neal laugh. “Looks like I’m not the only one texting someone in another country,” he said sarcastically.

“I will break the damn door down if you don’t get out here right now, Neal George.”

“Is that a threat you’ll actually go through with?”

He knew Neal was taunting him and he was trying not to let Neal bait him like that. Neal was still upset and he didn’t blame Neal for that. He blamed himself for the hostility because he did make a ridiculous remark. “I will give you until the count of five to get out here.” He inhaled sharply before whispering, “One.” Neal didn’t respond. “Two.” Still nothing. “Three.” He stood up and neared the door, muttering, “Four.” Just as he was about to say _five_ Neal opened the door and stared at his husband angrily. “Will you talk to me instead of hide in here?”

Neal crossed his arms over his chest and said, “Why? Ignorance is bliss, right? I was happy while being ignorant all by myself today.”

Anger surged through Peter and he didn’t even know why he was so angry. “Would you knock this shit off?” Neal’s arms dropped to his sides and he bowed his head, lowering his gaze to the floor. He didn’t like the way Peter was talking to him and he knew he was only making things worse by acting like as much of an ass as Peter was. “Is this really how you want to spend the next week or so? Because if it is, I’d rather go home.”

“No,” Neal whispered.

Peter softened as soon as he realized Neal wasn’t only upset. Neal was really sad now. He could see the way Neal’s jaw was clenching and he was blinking quickly. “Don’t cry, honey,” he said quietly, tentatively moving towards his husband to pull him into his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said this morning and for how I was just acting with you…”

Neal wrapped his arms around Peter, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I liked how things were yesterday,” he whispered. “I liked how the morning started.” Peter rubbed Neal’s back, sighing quietly. “I know you upset yourself, but was it really necessary to upset me, too? You insulted me and made me feel stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Peter said, kissing the side of Neal’s face. “You’re a very intelligent man. I’m sorry for insulting you. I don’t know what my problem is.”

“You look at me and see all your failures,” Neal murmured.

“That is _so_ far from the truth.” Pulling back, Peter stared at Neal incredulously. “I see the man I love with all of my heart and soul right in front of me. I don’t see all of my failures in you. I see them all when I look at myself in the mirror.” Neal kept frowning and Peter knew that wasn’t exactly the right way to go about continuing and hopefully resolving this. “I caused this issue between us, darling. Don’t let me bring you down. I’m very sorry for hurting you.” Neal sighed quietly and Peter pulled him close again. “I’ll watch what I say with you. It wasn’t something I should’ve said, honey, and I’m so sorry.”

After a few minutes of silence passed between them, Peter led Neal to their bed and sat him down on it before retrieving the food he’d gotten for Neal. “Thank you,” Neal whispered, smiling faintly up at Peter as he accepted the food from his husband. He shifted and crossed his legs on the bed before beginning to eat and Peter was mesmerized. It felt so familiar, watching Neal do that—sit like that while he ate.

Peter sat on the bed beside him, tentatively stroking along Neal’s leg. “I love you, Neal. I hope you don’t let me ruin the rest of our vacation for you. That’s the last thing I want to do…”

“The rest of our vacation should be better than today. Last night was wonderful. All of yesterday was wonderful.”

“Let me make tonight wonderful, too,” Peter said tentatively. Neal glanced at him and Peter’s heart fluttered when Neal smiled shyly at him. He nodded and just kept smiling as he attempted to finish his food. He didn’t want to make love with Peter on an empty stomach—and he desperately wanted to make love with Peter after everything they’d gone through during the day, after avoiding each other for nearly the entirety of the day.

•◊•

“ _So you and daddy are okay now?_ ”

“Yes,” Peter said as he went through his suitcase full of memories. “I’m sorry that we involved grandpa, but daddy and I are fine.” He loved that Nicky still called Neal his daddy. He did it more often than he used to because it was something Peter was beginning to think he was growing out of. Obviously, he was wrong. “It was just me saying something stupid that upset him, but I promise we’re fine. We talked a lot last night—and I really mean we talked, buddy.”

Nicky giggled. “ _I know you. When you say you ‘talked’ to him, you usually mean you—_ ”

“Nicolas James Burke,” he warned.

Again, the teenager giggled over the phone. “ _Okay. So… What’s daddy doing now?_ ”

Peter rolled his eyes, knowing his son would revert to his previous train of thought as soon as he told Nicky what Neal was doing. “He’s in the shower at the moment.” Nicky giggled and Peter sighed. “You know, you’re such a brat. Daddy wasn’t kidding when he called you that.” There was a pause on the other end and Peter stopped what he was doing, focusing on the sounds on the other side of the phone. It was completely silent, so he pulled the phone away from his face and checked to make sure he was still on the phone with Nicky. His brows furrowed and he replaced the phone against his face and asked, “Nick? Are you okay?”

“ _I miss having him call me his brat._ ”

The older man mentally slapped himself and said, “I know, Nicky.” The teenager breathed shakily and Peter set down the pictures that were in his hand, closing the suitcase so he could sit back and focus entirely on his son. “Oh, kiddo… Don’t cry. Don’t cry, buddy.”

Nicky couldn’t help it and Peter understood. He’d been too calm, too okay with everything that’s happened to his father. Peter should’ve seen this coming. He should’ve known it’d only be a matter of time before something happened and Nicky snapped. “ _I miss my daddy,_ ” he said as he cried into the phone. “ _I know I still have him, but he’s not all here. He doesn’t play with me anymore and he doesn’t call me his brat anymore. I’ve wanted to go to sleep with him in your room, but I don’t know if he’d be comfortable with that._ ” Nicky kept crying even though Peter tried to help him relax. “ _I want my daddy. I want the man who raised me, who loved me and played with me._ ”

“My little buddy, give him time,” Peter said, trying to sound reassuring. “He’s becoming the same man again. I can see it and I know you will someday, too.” Peter felt so helpless as he spoke to his son over the phone. He hadn’t realized that his husband came out of the bathroom while he and Nicky were still talking, so Neal overheard some of the things Peter said. “He’s still your dad, Nick. I married both of you four years ago,” he whispered. “He’s still the man I married and he’s still the man you grew up with.”

Neal’s brows furrowed. He didn’t understand what was going on and he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to interrupt. Listening to Peter talk to their son made his heart ache. _He_ was the reason his son was upset. _He_ was the reason Peter was trying so desperately to reassure their son that things were going to be fine. His eyes watered and he blinked his tears away before they had the chance to fall. He’d argued with and avoided Peter and now he’d upset their son. “I’m gonna go get some air,” he said abruptly without thinking about speaking.

Peter startled and twisted to look at him. “Neal, don’t go,” he pleaded. Neal was already heading for the door and Peter tossed his phone onto the bed and grabbed Neal’s wrist. He wasn’t holding onto him tight enough to hurt him, but he was making his point—he didn’t want Neal to leave. “Sweetheart, everything’s okay. Nicky’s okay. Calm down and please stay here.”

“He’s upset, Peter.”

“And I’m calming him down. Now I’m trying to calm you down.” He tugged on Neal gently and Neal went, giving in. He didn’t want to leave his husband, but he felt like he was just making things worse. He’d somehow managed to hurt Nicky and he hadn’t even spoken to his son since they left New York. “I’ll put him on speaker phone,” Peter said quietly as he led Neal to their bed. They sat down and Peter hit the button to put Nicky on speaker. “Nick, are you still there?” Nicky made a sound of acknowledgement and Peter met Neal’s eyes. “Sorry for walking away. How’re you doing, buddy?”

Nicky made a small sound and sighed. “ _I’m sad._ ” Peter took Neal’s hand and squeezed it, trying to help him get through this as much as he was trying to help Nicky. “ _I miss you guys. I miss my dad. I miss a lot of things and I’m really sad when I think about them. My dad lost fifteen years of my life, but he lost over thirty years of his own life._ ” He sniffled and Neal felt a pang of guilt hit him. “ _Is it selfish of me to think that maybe dad would’ve been better off if he hadn’t come back?_ ”

Neal was instantly hurt by that and Peter had to do everything he could to keep Neal from running into the bathroom in tears. “Don’t you _ever_ say that again,” Peter said, trying to avoid snapping at their son. He could just imagine Nicky cringing at the tone of his voice, so he relaxed. “Nick, he wouldn’t have been better off without us. He’s happier to be here—with us. Daddy would be miserable if he weren’t with us, Nick—with you and the twins. You three make him so happy.”

“ _I’m sorry, poppa…_ ”

Peter met Neal’s gaze, trying to tell him that he loves him with his eyes. He was relieved by the fact that he and Neal could still communicate silently because Neal leaned towards him and kissed him gently, whispering, “I love you, too.” He was so grateful to have that connection with Neal. They’d always been very good at conveying their thoughts and feelings without words and he was afraid that they may have lost that. However, maybe it was just that things had changed significantly since they’d first made love—in Neal’s case. Neal was acting so much like himself—like he was before he’d been taken by Rachel.

“It’s okay, Nicky. I know you’re upset, but things are getting better day by day.”

“ _I love you, poppa. Tell daddy I love him, too._ ”

The older man gave Neal a small smile and Neal answered for himself. “I love you, Nicky. I love you a lot.” Nicky gasped and Neal bit his lip. “I’m not upset with you,” he said quickly. “I love you. You’re my son—my baby boy.” He returned Peter’s small smile when he said that before focusing on the phone between them. “I’m sorry that you’re hurting, but… But regardless of what’s happened to me or anything that will ever happen to me, I love you. I loved you even though I knew nothing about you. I loved you the second your poppa showed me a picture of you and I loved you the moment I met you for the first time.” Breathing shakily, he added, “I can’t imagine how hard this is on you, Nicky, but I’m trying to make things easier—for everyone.”

Nicky laughed lightly. “ _I love you, daddy. I…know you’re trying. I know how easily you get frustrated by things even though they’re out of your control._ ” Peter was always impressed by how mature Nicky was. He wasn’t the typical, immature teenage boy. He was, essentially, a younger Neal. The two talked to each other a few minutes longer before Nicky said he was going to go play with his brother and sister. “ _I love you both. No more fighting, okay? Spend time together. Be happy together._ ”

Peter stroked Neal’s hair gently as he said, “I promise, Nicky. We love you, too, kiddo.”

“I love you, Nick. Keep yourself out of trouble. Grandma and grandpa are going to tell us if you acted out as soon as we get back.” And that was the Neal that Peter knew and loved. Nicky giggled on the other end and Neal smiled a bit, loving the sound his son made. They said one last goodbye to each other before finally ending the call.

“Feeling better?” Peter asked, taking his hands, intertwining their fingers. Neal nodded and leaned forward to kiss Peter again. “I know how much these things upset you, baby. I know you wish you understood more and wish you could remember more.”

“You have no idea,” Neal murmured.

Peter nodded, knowing how true that was. “I brought some things with us that we’ll gradually look at together for the remainder of our stay and my intention is to help you recover some things.” Neal’s eyes widened and Peter could see how awestruck he was. All he wanted was to remember what Peter and Nicky remembered. “We’ll start with your life before I met you.” Sliding off of the bed with Neal, he took them both to the floor beside his suitcase. Neal was on his knees beside Peter, watching his husband’s face as Peter began to open the suitcase. “I wasn’t here for some of the things I’m going to show you, but I wish I’d been there and I remember you telling me about these things. I feel like I was there because you let me immerse myself in your memories with Nicky when it was just the two of you.” He glanced at Neal and smiled at him softly.

The older man pulled out some very childlike artworks that Neal looked at, his heart warming as he realized the drawings were of him and Nicky—when Nicky was really young. “How old was he when he drew this?” he asked, pointing at one of the drawings. Nicky was holding his hand with a balloon in his other hand and they were both smiling broadly. Granted, it was essentially a glorified stick figure version of them both, but Neal got the gist of what his son had drawn.

“You told me he was five when he drew this one. If I remember your story correctly, you took him to the zoo for the very first time.” He scooted closer to Neal, wrapping his right arm around his husband’s waist as he looked at the drawing with Neal. “When you were a single father, you were really struggling financially, but that never stopped you from trying your damnedest to treat your son to things that would thrill him—and this was one of those things.”

Neal was suddenly drawn back ten years into his past when he was holding his son’s hand while they walked across New York. Nicky looked adorable in his cute clothing that Neal spent most of his recent paycheck on at the time. “ _Daddy! Daddy, can we go to the zoo?_ ”

Biting his lip, Neal had replied, “ _Nicky, I… I don’t have…_ ” Nicky began to plead with him, begging him to take him to the zoo. He’d sighed, knowing he wouldn’t be able to explain to his five year old son that he didn’t have a whole lot of money left to do things like that. “ _Yeah, baby. Let’s go, but only for a little bit, okay?_ ”

Nicky squealed with joy and Neal remembered his heart pounding as Nicky jumped up and down excitedly, shaking their linked hands all the while as they walked to the zoo. He vaguely remembered buying his son the balloon Nicky had drawn in his art, but he certainly remembered leaving the zoo with Nicky later when it was a bit darker. He wrapped his arms around Neal and whispered, “ _Thank you, daddy. I love you._ ”

Neal picked him up and held him close without hindering his son’s hold on the balloon. Pressing a gentle kiss against Nicky’s forehead, Neal whispered, “ _I love you, my little love. I love when you’re happy, kiddo._ ”

The boy giggled in Neal’s arms as Neal carried him. He laid his head on Neal’s shoulder and rubbed his thumb over the string holding his balloon. Neal had wrapped it loosely around his wrist and gave him part of the string to hold onto just to make sure Nicky wouldn’t lose it. “ _I’m always happy,_ ” Nicky said softly. “ _My daddy is the best._ ”

In the present day, tears were dripping down Neal’s face as he smiled at the drawing. He liked that memory. Albeit a partial memory of that day, he liked what he remembered from it. He could hear Nicky giggling, laughing, and he heard himself laughing as well. Whenever Nicky was happy, he was happy.

Peter’s eyes were on Neal and he figured his husband remembered something good because he was smiling. He didn’t have it in him to interrupt whatever was going on in his husband’s mind, but he was relieved beyond words when Neal held the drawing against his chest and leaned into him, sharing his love and happiness with Peter. He kissed Neal’s hair, whispering, “You okay, baby boy?”

Neal nodded and let Peter wipe his tears away as he closed his own eyes. “I remember parts of it,” Neal said thickly, opening his eyes a moment later to stare up at Peter. “I remember how happy and excited he was when I took him there.” Peter loved the way Neal looked despite the fact that Neal’s eyes were still full of tears. He thought Neal looked beautiful—beautiful and happy. After the way they’d spent their day, he was thrilled to see his husband this happy. “I carried him home—to our apartment. He kept talking about all the fun he had and he kept thanking me.”

The older man held Neal, listening to him speak. If Neal had a good memory he wanted to share, then he wasn’t going to stop Neal by any means. “Well,” he whispered, kissing Neal’s hair again. “I’m hoping that you’ll have more good memories by the time we finish going through all of the things I’ve brought with us.” Neal, with his tears still fresh in his eyes, smiled up at Peter appreciatively and Peter could see how deeply Neal loved him then. He didn’t like arguing with Peter or spending time away from Peter and this was a great way to spend their time together. He was happy to relive some of the things he’d lost and he hoped he’d be able to experience more of his past through whatever Peter’s brought.

He felt so grateful and he loved the fact that Peter thought of him—more so than usual. He’d only expected to spend two weeks in Paris with Peter. Two weeks of getting to know each other again, two weeks of relearning each other’s bodies as they made love together, two weeks of intimacy. He hadn’t thought Peter would bring pieces of his past in the hopes of bringing memories back. “Thank you so much.”

Neal leaned up a bit and kissed his husband gently, closing his eyes when they separated. He still held the drawing close to his chest and his left hand slid away from the paper to find Peter’s left hand so he could rub his wedding ring over Peter’s. Peter smiled at the younger man as he said, “I’ve always told you that I’d do anything and everything for you.” And he had every intention of doing that—for the rest of their vacation as well as the rest of his life.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter continues to walk Neal through memories.

Peter spent the sixth day of their vacation showing Neal all of the art he’d saved since Nicky was very young. Neal was really impressed by his son’s talent at a young age and he was happy when memories came flooding back to him. They might’ve been snippets of memories, but he didn’t care. The fact that something came back had him on cloud nine. He liked what he was remembering and he was really surprised by how much was coming back through his son’s art, but it made a little sense to him considering he remembered the day Nicky was born—the moment he’d first held his son—when Nicky showed him the painting he’d done for him.

“How’re you doing, sweetheart?” Peter asked as he let Neal take his time looking at each of the drawings. He wasn’t in any hurry to get through the suitcase he’d brought full of Neal’s life. He just didn’t want to overwhelm his husband. Neal kept grinning and Peter thought it was wonderful to see him so happy. “Hey, sexy,” Peter said, chuckling. Neal glanced at him, a look of question on his face. Peter just kept chuckling and Neal smiled again. “I asked you how you were doing. I guess you answered me without words.”

Blushing, Neal said, “I feel…all kinds of good. I feel so much closer to my son now.” Rubbing his thumb over a drawing that Nicky had given him for Father’s Day one year, he whispered, “I know I probably won’t remember every moment of his life, but I want to be his daddy. I don’t like that he’s so…sad. I mean, I want to be the man he wants me to be.”

Peter kissed Neal’s cheek. “You _are_ the man he wants you to be. Don’t even worry about that, okay?” Neal shrugged and Peter knew that was bothering Neal. “I know he said some things that hurt you, but you are his dad. You raised him on your own for almost nine years prior to meeting me. Since you’ve met me, you’ve never had to be alone. Right now, you’re still not alone. You have your son—and our twins—as well as a husband who loves you. The kids and I are your family, Neal. We love you and we’ve never wanted you to change for us, okay? I would hate myself if I did or said something that made you change who you are entirely. Be yourself. If you have to live without most or some of your memories, then we’ll get through it as a family.”

“Thank you.” Neal set the drawings down and tentatively crawled into Peter’s lap. He was afraid that Peter wouldn’t want him to do that, but Peter embraced him and let him do whatever he wanted. He cradled Neal against his body, smiling down at him. Neal lifted his right hand and stroked Peter’s jaw line, whispering, “I’m very lucky to have such a supportive, loving family. You, the little ones, and your parents are amazing. I can’t imagine not having any of you in my life now.”

“You’ll never have to know how that feels ever again.”

Neal nodded. He may not have known Peter was his husband and that they had three kids together when he was with Rachel, but he’d felt so empty when he was with her. He’d been afraid of Peter and intimidated by their children, but he fell in love with his family. They completed him and filled the hole inside of him that he felt had been punched through his heart by Rachel herself. Whatever she’d done to him erased his memories and he hated her for that, but he knew he had to accept his situation nonetheless.

With Peter proving that they truly were married and that they had started a family together, he knew he was safe and loved. “I’m glad. I’m so happy with all of you.” Peter kept smiling at him, loving that his husband was happy. He’d seen him frustrated and upset all too often lately, so this was a beautiful change. Neal kept stroking Peter’s jaw, his eyes searching Peter’s. “I know I ask a lot of questions, but I have…another one—for you personally.” Peter nodded silently, encouraging his husband to ask whatever his question was. “You have, essentially, been my caretaker since you rescued me from the brothel. My question to you is: do _I_ make _you_ happy?”

“How can you even ask that after—?”

“Sexual happiness and emotional happiness are different to me,” Neal whispered. “Obviously, I’ve made you sexually happy. I want to know if that happiness extends into your emotions or if you’re…dealing with me because you have to.”

Peter immediately said, “You make me so emotionally happy, Neal. You’ll never know how miserable and lost I am when you’re not with me. Having you in my life, in my arms… Neal, I am very happy with you, darling.” He kissed his husband passionately and whispered, “I’ve never been happier in my life than I have been since I met you.” Neal’s breath was taken away by the kiss and the absolute sincerity in Peter’s voice. “When you and I are together, I’m so happy. I love looking at you, listening to you speak, and just knowing that you’re alive. With you right in front of me, I can enjoy all of those things and so much more.” Neal threw his arms around Peter’s neck when Peter began to lift him. “And when I take you to bed, I try to let you know just how happy you—as a person, a man—make me.”

Neal grinned, knowing Peter was taking him to their bed. He honestly didn’t care that Peter wanted him so much. He liked being wanted by someone who truly loves him and they’d spent most of their day pulling little things out of the suitcase to look at. Peter was beyond patient with him, explaining the bare minimum of each item because he hoped Neal would take that and expand on it in his memory, which seemed to work rather well.

The older man laid Neal down at the center of their bed with his head resting on their pillows. Neal liked this side of Peter. It was so much better than he’d dreamed it would’ve been with Peter. What he’d done with the men and women in the brothel was nothing in comparison to what he and Peter did together. “I love you,” Neal whispered.

“As much as I love you,” Peter replied softly, pressing gentle kisses against the younger man’s lips. He bared his husband’s beautiful body for him to see and allowed Neal to return the favor until they were both divested. Peter made love to Neal slowly, savoring each quiet gasp, each moan, and every breath he took. Neal’s sounds were music to his ears, sounds he yearned for. The feel of Neal’s warm skin against his made him feel so…at home. He felt like all of this was so right. Being in Paris, the city of love, with Neal… Making love to Neal in Paris…

Crying out each other’s names a short while later, they held each other close. Neal was finding each and every sexual encounter with Peter to be better than the last—although he didn’t think anything could beat the first night they’d made love in Paris. He knew they’d made love—or had sex—so many times in the past, but their anniversary in Paris was the first time he’d remember as well as the first time he’d feel his husband inside of him. Peter was so gentle even while he was passionate. His thrusts were deep and powerful, but he took extra care in making sure he didn’t hurt Neal. “Oh my God,” Neal said while he tried to catch his breath. His body was shaking against Peter’s and Peter held him close, rubbing over the small of his back for a few moments before sliding his hands up Neal’s back.

“You okay?” Peter whispered in his ear. Neal nodded, kissing Peter’s cheek. He never knew how to describe their lovemaking. They’d done it plenty of times since the night of their anniversary, but he felt like Peter left him breathless, sated, and beyond happy each and every time they finished. “Did I hurt you without realizing it?” he asked concernedly as he pulled away from Neal.

Neal let out a small whine as he pulled Peter back to him. Peter was still inside of him and he didn’t want to lose that feeling. “You didn’t hurt me at all.” He rubbed Peter’s neck with both hands before sliding his arms around Peter’s neck, clasping his hands together. “Don’t leave me,” he whispered.

Peter kissed him sweetly, letting his lips linger against Neal’s as he whispered, “I would never dream of leaving you.” He knew Neal meant that he didn’t want their bodies to separate, but he felt the need to make sure Neal knew that he was in this for the long run, that he had no intention of leaving his husband or their children. “No matter what happens between us, you’re mine and I am yours. Soulmates are forever—and you’re my soulmate.” Peter felt Neal’s lips curve into a smile and he kissed the younger man again.

Despite just having finished making love not too long ago, Peter began to gently thrust into his husband to give him the sensations he enjoyed—and he definitely enjoyed them. He himself was a bit tender, but he didn’t want to disappoint Neal—not that he really thought he would disappoint his husband by this point. Neal moaned, his eyes rolling back. Peter knew that Neal was probably up for another round, but he wasn’t ready to give Neal that just yet. Hesitantly, he paused. Neal was breathing erratically and that pleased Peter because they weren’t—technically—even having sex at the moment. He’d moved a little, but he wasn’t making love with Neal like they just had not too long ago. He liked affecting his husband this way.

Opening his eyes, Neal looked up at Peter with a small smile on his face. “I can’t imagine myself having anyone else now that I have all of you,” he whispered. “I may sound like an egotistical bastard right now, but I like that you’ve given all of yourself to me.”

Peter chuckled and kissed Neal’s nose. “Honey, I’ve been yours since the moment I met you. No one else can have me.” He paused and Neal’s brows drew together. Peter was messing with him and Neal didn’t realize it just yet. “Although, I have given myself to a couple others… You’re not the only important person in my life.” He saw the hurt in Neal’s eyes and proceeded to kiss Neal’s lips before whispering against him, “You have to share me with our three little blessings.” He briefly pulled away enough to see Neal’s face and saw the grin there. Chuckling, Peter said, “How could you ever think you—and our babies—don’t hold my heart completely?”

“Insecure,” Neal said. “You seem like a dream come true at times. At least to me, you do.” He moved his left hand between them and gently traced his fingers over Peter’s scar, whispering, “I’m lucky to have you and, sometimes, I’m just waiting for myself to wake up.”

“Why do you feel like you don’t deserve me or my love for you?” Peter asked curiously. “And if you tell me it has to do with your physical appearance, I will love you right through the bedsprings.” Neal chuckled weakly and Peter kissed his forehead. “You’re beautiful.”

Neal shifted uncomfortably. “Well, a lot of reasons, but I’d rather not discuss them.” Peter’s brows furrowed in concern, wondering why Neal would want to keep this to himself. Neal could see that, but he still didn’t feel up to sharing his reasons with his husband. For all he knew, he’d be the one to send Peter to the bathroom this time. He didn’t want to spend more time away from Peter than he already had during their vacation. Sighing heavily, Neal whispered, “I’m ashamed of the way I acted before you found me again.” Peter looked a little lost and Neal’s face heated up. “I know I wasn’t aware of the fact that you and I are married, but I-I… The things I did with those other men and—”

“Don’t you dare tell yourself that you don’t deserve me because of _that,_ ” Peter growled. “I don’t hold that against you and I’m your husband. Why do you hold yourself accountable for something that isn’t your fault? She essentially brainwashed you into believing your body was the only thing you’re good for and she doesn’t realize how fucking wrong she is.”

“Peter, I didn’t mean to upset you. Please, don’t—”

But the rant was just beginning. “You’ve always believed yourself to be a whore because of the things that were done to you. It wasn’t like you consented to anything. Even if you think you did, it was done under duress and for reasons that involved you loving the wrong person or simply for reasons that would have tortured you otherwise.” Neal shrank beneath Peter, wishing he hadn’t given in. “If anyone’s a whore, it’s that bitch. She used you—your mind and your body. She tricked you into thinking you were her husband, her plaything,” he spat angrily. Neal was completely intimidated beneath Peter, regretting that he’d ever acted insecure around Peter. “What happened between you, Rachel, those men, and those women has _nothing_ to do with us. If I held those sexual encounters against you, that would mean I held you responsible for everything that happened with Vincent and with Craig. Do you know how much of an asshole I would be if I did that to you?”

Neal trembled beneath Peter and he wasn’t even sure why he was so afraid all of a sudden. He was embarrassed, but something about having Peter inside of him and looming over him, looking and sounding so angry, sent chills through his entire being. He kept going on about how he could never blame Neal for any of the things that happened to him—when he was young, when he’d been kidnapped, or when he’d lost his memory. “ _Stop,_ ” Neal pleaded, staring up at Peter fearfully. He could see a man around Peter’s current age atop him and he recognized the man as a younger version of one of the participants in his torture while he and Nicky were held captive as well as when he himself was a teenager in what he assumed was his old bedroom in the house he’d probably lived in well before going to New York.

Peter saw the terror in Neal’s eyes and gasped. He disconnected their bodies and moved away from Neal—not enough for Neal to think that Peter was leaving him, but enough for Neal to feel safe again. “What happened? Whatever I did, I’m so sorry, honey.”

“Vincent,” Neal whispered. “I saw him. H-He…” He swallowed and blinked a few times in the hopes of ridding himself of Vincent’s face so he could see his husband again. Once Peter came into view, he could see how concerned Peter was. “I don’t know. He must’ve yelled at me or said terrible things angrily while he was having sex with me. He was inside of me and he looked angry.” He felt phantom pains going through his body as though Vincent were fucking him brutally, but he knew those feelings weren’t real—or at least they weren’t real right now. His stomach hurt and he felt pain inside of himself.

The older man quickly caressed the sides of his husband’s face, hushing him gently as he began to cry. Neal didn’t understand why he was crying, but the tears kept coming. He wanted to stop crying—especially while he and Peter were together. “It’s okay,” Peter whispered soothingly, rubbing his thumbs over Neal’s cheekbones. “I promise everything is okay. I’m sorry for scaring you, baby, but you’re safe—safe with me.” Neal nodded silently, nuzzling his face against Peter’s hands. His breathing was accelerated and little gasps and whimpers escaped his lips every now and then as if he were experiencing the pain Vincent put him through as a teenager. Peter kept hushing him, eventually leaning over to kiss Neal’s forehead. “It’s okay, honey. You’re with Peter—not _him._ I’ll protect you.” Neal forced himself to look directly into Peter’s eyes to make sure he didn’t lose himself in what he was feeling.

He knew he was safe with Peter. These feelings were phantom feelings, things he’d gone through in the past. He knew there was no way he’d ever endure them again because both of the men who’d tormented him throughout his life were dead.

When he finally got himself under control, things were better. Peter held him close and stroked his hair, whispering his love for him repeatedly, promising that he’d never hurt him. Peter wanted Neal to trust him, but Neal had trusted him from the beginning. Without knowing for certain whether or not he and Peter were truly married, he’d trusted Peter—and he still does. He couldn’t see himself _not_ trusting Peter at any point.

•◊•

“You going to tell me where you’re taking me?” Neal asked for what felt like the hundredth time as Peter led him somewhere. He had a blindfold on, but Peter was holding his hand. He’d intertwined their fingers to make sure Neal knew he wasn’t going to let him go and leave him somewhere.

Peter chuckled. “We’re almost there, honey.” It’d gotten a bit cooler as they were walking and Neal was really curious, wondering what his husband was up to. “Okay,” he said after a few moments longer. Neal squeezed Peter’s hand, eagerly waiting for his husband to fill him in on whatever was going on. “You remember when you asked me about making love in…water?” Neal’s lips parted in a quiet gasp. “Do you still want to try that or would you rather not?”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal sarcastically said, “You brought me all the way out to wherever we are…just to ask me if I’d rather not do it with you in the water?” Peter’s cheeks heated up and he tentatively untied the blindfold around his husband’s face, letting him blink a few times until he could see clearly. “God damn. You’re as red as a tomato.”

“We don’t have to do this if you’d rather not, sweetheart. I just…”

Neal watched how insecure the older man suddenly became and proceeded to kiss him, whispering, “Make love to me right now.”

And they did. They were in a public place that, really, anyone could come to and find them. That was part of the excitement for the two though. They’d never done anything like this before and Peter was extremely nervous as well as protective. Too many men and women had seen the love of his life undressed. He didn’t want any unwanted eyes gazing upon _his_ magnificent creature.

They’d waded out a little ways into deeper water and Peter lifted Neal, wrapping Neal’s legs around him. He’d made love to Neal this way plenty of times in their shower, but there was something unique about doing it where someone could see them—and watch. He liked the sounds Neal made in unison with the gentle splashes of the water and he really enjoyed himself once he let go of his paranoia. No one would see them while they were going at it and he was sure of that. He didn’t intend to spend hours upon hours in the water with Neal. It was just something he figured they could try—and they both loved it.

Both men went into their hotel room laughing like children. “You’re so immature,” Peter teased the younger man, grinning at him after he shut and locked their door. They snuck in with towels around their soaked clothing and managed to make it up to the hotel room without anyone catching them—after they’d dressed themselves following their water-lovemaking as well as when they were making their way back to the hotel. Neal returned Peter’s grin full force and it certainly touched his eyes. “You and water makes me wanna…” He moaned quietly and Neal sidled up to him, rubbing his body against Peter’s. Peter knew what Neal was doing and he didn’t feel like stopping him.

“Water and I make you want to do what?” he prompted, licking water droplets that were sliding down Peter’s neck.

Growling quietly, Peter fiercely whispered, “I want to take you into the shower and clean you after I dirty you up again,” near Neal’s ear. He slid his arms behind Neal and his hands held Neal’s ass. He was being possessive without making Neal uncomfortable.

Neal shivered, nodding silently. Peter didn’t want his silence. He wanted to hear words. He wouldn’t do anything unless he had Neal’s verbal permission. “Peter?” he whispered, wondering why Peter wasn’t going through with what he said he wanted. He really wanted to make love with his husband again—even if it were kind of rough. Knowing that he kept his husband turned on like this made him happy. He felt Peter’s breath huff against his face and he asked, “Do you…not want to do that after all?”

“You need to tell me what you want to do,” Peter said huskily. He was struggling very much with his urge to pick Neal up and carry him into their bathroom. Having just made love to his husband in the water earlier, he was still very excitable—and a wet Neal was always a beautiful Neal. “I don’t want to take advantage of you,” he whispered.

That stunned Neal. “How could you possibly take advantage of me when this is something I really want?” Neal saw the look in Peter’s eyes and figured it out then. “Peter, I love you. Having lost…things… I haven’t felt differently. I love you very much and I want you in any way that you’re willing to give.” He rested his hands on Peter’s chest, rubbing over him gently. “I love you. We’ve been married for four years and we’ve been together for six. If you want to take me, then you damn well better take me,” he whispered fiercely, hoping he was getting through Peter’s thick skull. He didn’t want Peter hesitating when it came to their sex life.

It seemed to have worked though because Peter immediately reached for Neal’s legs, yanking them up as Neal simultaneously threw his arms around Peter’s neck to keep himself balanced. Peter was very good at hiking Neal’s legs up and around his hips—like they’d practiced it hundreds of times before. And Neal didn’t doubt that they had. Peter liked carrying him around if he could.

Clothes were shed on the way to the bathroom and Peter kept Neal tight against his chest, pressing Neal’s back against the wall. He managed to get the shower on and the water was pouring over them as they finally connected. Neal made a sound of pain, but it was only for a moment. He was ready enough for his husband again since it hadn’t been all that long since they’d last made love. Neal wasn’t expecting the force with which Peter thrust into him, but he wasn’t about to complain. Peter’s been extremely gentle, slow, and kind. Having him get a little rough was a nice change that he welcomed. As long as Peter didn’t hurt him to the point where he didn’t think they were making love anymore, they were fine.

Peter seems to know his boundaries when it comes to their intimacy and he trusts Peter to know how far to go. “Oh, baby…” he whispered against Neal’s jaw as he pressed gentle kisses against his wet skin. Neal panted in Peter’s ear, tangling his fingers in Peter’s hair. His ankles were crossed over the small of Peter’s back as Peter’s arms circled around the small of Neal’s.

This was different from making love in their bed and making love in water, but he enjoyed it nonetheless. Neal wanted something like this. He hadn’t known that this is what he’d wanted when he’d been with Rachel, but he knew it now. He knew Peter was the man he deserved, the man who would love him unconditionally. Peter is everything he’s ever wanted, everything he’s ever needed. Even though he didn’t realize that at first, he’d gotten the man he wanted and needed effortlessly.

Well, it had taken some effort to finally win Peter over and make him believe that Neal loved him, but it felt so effortless now.

•◊•

“These are the first pictures we took together?” Neal asked, glancing up at his husband. Peter nodded at him, smiling softly. “Did you take these?” Again, Peter nodded. Neal chuckled, shaking his head. “You were horrible at taking pictures in the beginning, but you’ve gotten so much better.” Smacking Neal’s shoulder playfully, Peter said, “You don’t understand how nerve-wracking it was to be with you sometimes.” He was teasing, of course, but he kind of meant it as well. Kissing Neal’s forehead, he whispered, “I had the perfect man after spending so much time lying to everyone I was close to. I had a wife for several years even though I knew early on that I’m gay.” Neal rolled closer to Peter, looking at the pictures with him. “You’ve always been so beautiful to me, Neal. The fact that you wanted me as much as I wanted you excited me. I was worried about fucking things up with you because I, honestly, didn’t know what to do to please a man—let alone a man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.”

“But why did you pretty much cut yourself out of these pictures?” he asked curiously, spreading them out on the bed to show Peter. “You captured me perfectly, but you’re barely there in most of them.”

Peter bit his lip for a moment before whispering, “Because I wanted to see you smile. If things between us didn’t work, at least I could just cut myself out of the picture without ruining your image.” Neal’s eyes widened and he gaped at Peter. Peter never told him that to begin with, but it surprised Neal nonetheless. Peter had his own set of insecurities about their relationship in the beginning even though he loved Neal with all of his heart from the start. “I didn’t think I was attractive enough or good enough for you sometimes. I didn’t tell you that, so don’t try to remember it. You were the one always thinking you were never enough for me, but I…felt insignificant while I was with you sometimes.”

Neal looked hurt by that. “And I didn’t do anything to help you realize just how significant you are?”

“You did,” Peter said quickly. “You always hugged me, kissed me, told me you loved me, or said things that made me feel better about myself. I’m just… You were the very first man I fell in love with. I felt like I’d do something stupid because I didn’t know how to have a relationship with a man. And I did fuck up a lot in the beginning.”

Neal pushed the pictures aside and proceeded to roll Peter onto his back before crawling on top of the older man, straddling his waist. “Don’t you ever look at yourself and see a man who doesn’t deserve to be happy—who doesn’t deserve to be loved,” he whispered. “I keep telling you that I’m still in love with you even after losing my memory. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” Peter nodded silently, staring up at the younger man. His hands rested on Neal’s bare hips, rubbing his thumbs over Neal’s hipbones. “I’m sorry that things have been rough and that they were rough when we were getting together, but we’re together now, Peter. We’ve been together for years and I don’t want to be anywhere else—or with anyone else.”

Smiling a little, Peter whispered, “I know, honey. That’s why I got better at taking our pictures.” He chuckled and lifted his hands to caress the sides of Neal’s face. “Once I realized we were really doing this and that we were serious about each other, I took better pictures. Remembering the good times we had was my priority and I’m really glad I captured a lot of nice moments now.” At the questioning look on Neal’s face, he nodded. “I’m going to show you all of them over time, hon. Whenever you and I had date nights, I took some pictures. Hell, Mozzie and Nicky even took some for us sometimes.”

“Can I ask you to tell me about Mozzie? I vaguely remember him. I’ve seen and heard him in memories, but he’s…fuzzy. And I haven’t seen him in person since you rescued me.”

“He’s the man who raised you when you ran away from home,” Peter said. “He found you when you were struggling to survive and he took you in. You told me that he cared for you and taught you things to help you both survive and get the things you needed.” He stroked Neal’s neck and whispered, “He was there for you. He’s the one who encouraged you to take Nicky when he was born. You were…having issues when Nicky was born, but he convinced you that you’d be a fine father.”

“What kind of issues was I having?”

Swallowing hard, Peter whispered, “Drug and alcohol abuse.” Neal looked surprised by that and Peter understood that. “Your mother did drugs when you were younger and you started doing them when you were in your twenties because you saw what they did to her and you wanted that…relief.” Clearing his throat, he continued. “You had a major drinking problem because you were trying to cope with your rape on your own as well as other stresses and concerns you had at the time. I wasn’t there, but you—”

Peter stopped when he realized how upset Neal looked. “Does Nicky have problems?” Peter’s brows furrowed, wondering what Neal was asking. “Because of the drugs and alcohol. Does he have issues?”

“No. Your son is perfectly normal,” Peter said softly. “He was born normal and has grown up just as normal because you gave him a good life to live.” Neal’s eyes lit up a little and Peter grinned at him. “Your boy is the most beautiful young man I’ve ever met. He has a good heart just like his daddy.” Neal gasped quietly as his breath rushed out of him when Peter quickly flipped them over. “I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you and our children. I’m very fortunate to have such a beautiful family to call my own. Our sons and our daughter are absolutely brilliant and I know all three of them will grow up to be wonderful young people.”

While they were lazing around in their bed, Peter trailed his fingers up and down Neal’s neck while Neal traced over his husband’s cheekbones repeatedly with his thumbs. “Have you ever wondered what our lives would be like if we weren’t together?”

“It’s too scary,” Peter whispered honestly. “I’ve had to live without you and I hate the feeling. Now that you’re in my life, I never want to lose you, Neal…” He rolled them onto their side and Neal scooted closer to him, nestling his face into the hollow of Peter’s throat. “I love you too much. There are some things I have yet to talk to you about, but I’ve been forced to live without you here too many times. If I had to do it permanently, I would be a mess.” Neal rubbed Peter’s chest, tracing the scar. He remembered feeling like his world was ending when he watched Peter go down after being shot in the chest. He didn’t like those feelings and could only imagine that Peter felt that way about losing him. “I love you…so much. I want to spend forever with you.”

Nodding, Neal closed his eyes. He breathed in the masculine scent of his husband and whispered, “I want to spend forever with you, too.” He pressed his entire body against Peter’s, rubbing their legs together gently before sliding his leg between Peter’s. Peter pulled Neal’s body as close as he could, rubbing against him. They were both naked and enjoying the warmth they gave each other.

Peter moaned quietly, rubbing Neal’s skin. “Forever,” he promised. “We’ve come too far to lose that. We’ve gone through too much to just…quit.” Tangled up in each other’s limbs, Neal believed Peter with all of his heart. He’d never believed anyone more than he believed Peter—and Peter’s always given him reason to trust him. His promises weren’t empty. “The day I decided I was going to propose to you, forever was our only option. I wasn’t going to give my heart to you without making this a lifetime commitment.”

Nuzzling his nose against Peter’s neck, Neal asked, “Do we have pictures? Of the day you proposed to me?”

The older man smiled as he said, “We have some pictures, but I have something so much better—and we’ll look at it tomorrow.” He kissed Neal’s hair and whispered, “I promise. I’ve been looking forward to showing you the night I proposed to you—as well as our wedding day.”

Neal was eager to see both events. After all, they were the reason he was where he was right now with the man and family he has. “I’m holding you to that,” he said enthusiastically. Peter shifted, moving them both, so he could clear their bed of the pictures they’d been looking at together. He didn’t want them to get wrecked while they slept. Besides that, they meant so much to him. Once the bed was empty of their pictures, Neal shifted himself beneath the blanket and held it up so Peter could crawl in with him. “I love you, Peter Burke.”

“I love you, Neal Burke,” Peter whispered softly, kissing him passionately as he laid them down together, pulling Neal closer. Neal rested his head on Peter’s shoulder, closing his eyes as Peter twisted his arm to turn the light off on the nightstand nearby. “Good night, my sweetheart.”

“Good night, my teddy bear,” Neal whispered without thinking about what he was saying. Peter’s eyes widened in the darkness, but he held Neal close. He was always taken by surprise when Neal said things like that to him because he knew they hadn’t discussed it. It was just something random that came back to Neal without Neal realizing it.

Smiling towards his husband in the darkness, Peter rubbed Neal’s back. He traced his husband’s scar as well as his tattoo until he heard Neal breathing evenly, snoring quietly. “Good night, angel,” he whispered, planting a gentle kiss against Neal’s hair before finally succumbing to sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is a little over-sensitive; Neal and Peter watch their proposal together.

“I love you, too.” Peter woke up to his husband’s voice in their bathroom. It was muffled, but only slightly. After a few moments of silence, Neal laughed lightly. “Yes. I love you so much more than you realize—more than I can tell you in words, so don’t forget that.” Peter’s brows furrowed as he wondered who in the hell Neal was talking to like that so early in the morning that it’d gotten him out of bed _and_ made him go into the bathroom so he’d be quiet. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” His voice sounded so soft and happy—the way it’d sounded whenever he said those things to Peter. “I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.” There was a brief pause before Neal laughed quietly again. “I love you a lot. Be good and I’ll see you soon.” After a few moments more, Neal emerged from the bathroom. His hair was a mess and he was grinning at his phone.

“Who exactly are you in love with so deeply that you had to sneak away from me?” Peter accused, startling Neal.

Brows furrowed, Neal said, “What’re you talking about?”

Peter didn’t know what he was talking about. He was just making assumptions about his husband. “Are you cheating on me? After everything you’ve said and done, you—”

“I was on the phone with our son,” Neal said, sounding flustered. “He called to say good morning and I told him you were still asleep, so I went in the bathroom to talk to him.” Giving the older man an incredulous look, he asked, “Do you honestly think I’d cheat on you? Who the hell would I cheat on you with?” Peter’s face heated up when he realized that the part of the conversation he’d heard made complete sense if Neal were talking to Nicky. _Be good and I’ll see you soon._ That’s not really something you’d say to a lover… “Yes, Peter. I’m cheating on you for your father,” he said sarcastically. “When the hell would I be able to find someone to cheat on you with? I was barely allowed out of the house and I don’t have a job. I’ve been in Paris with you for a week, so of course I’m cheating on you. I just lured you here so we could finally have sex even though you think I’m getting it on with someone else.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter whispered, frowning apologetically. Neal’s words made Peter cringe because he knew he was immediately in the wrong. Neal, regardless of whether or not he had his memories, is the same Neal. He wouldn’t cheat before and he wouldn’t cheat now. “That was wrong of me…”

“You’re damn right it was. Good fucking morning to you, too.” He went over to his suitcase and knelt in front of it, throwing it open to find a nice shirt to pull on since he’d already put on comfortable pants. Peter could see the tension in his shoulders and bit his lip, wishing he’d thought—again—before speaking.

Flipping the blanket back, Peter slid off of the bed and moved towards his husband, sinking to his knees behind him. He wrapped his arms around Neal and kissed his neck, whispering, “Good morning.” Neal huffed in frustration and Peter couldn’t blame him. “I’m an idiot sometimes. I’m sorry, honey.”

Shaking his head, Neal said, “I didn’t think there was a reason for you to be insecure.” Pausing to seethe in his irritation, he turned and his eyes flashed angrily at Peter. “Haven’t I proved that I love you? Haven’t I proved that I only want to be with you?”

“You have,” Peter said softly. “I just… I get jealous sometimes and I’m not sure why I was jealous when I didn’t even know what the situation was.” Staring into Neal’s eyes, he could see the anger simmering. “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. I’d say it was because I’m afraid to lose you, but I’m thinking it’s because I’m a jackass.”

Neal sighed and rested his left hand over both of Peter’s. “I’m happy with you. No one could make me happier than you make me. The only people I love are the ones I can call my family.” Tentatively, he kissed the older man. He was still upset with the fact that Peter actually thought he’d cheat on him, but he kind of understood. He didn’t want to have another argument with Peter nor did he want one of them to avoid the other.

Peter sighed as well. “I’m sorry that I keep causing these issues between us—and I am at fault, baby.” He kissed Neal’s temple, whispering, “I need to tell myself that I am very fortunate to have such a dedicated husband all to myself. I’m sorry for accusing you of something so ridiculous.” At least he hadn’t gone over the deep-end and essentially called Neal a whore… _Hell,_ at least Neal didn’t remember that. “You don’t…have to get dressed,” he added tentatively as Neal set the shirt he’d grabbed back into the suitcase. He gently stroked Neal’s bare chest with his fingers, mouthing his lips against Neal’s warm shoulder. “I like how warm you are.”

“Don’t piss me off again and I’ll refrain from dressing myself.”

“Deal,” Peter whispered, kissing his jaw this time. Mere seconds later, Peter’s phone began to ring. He knew something was wrong because someone was calling him. Neal had just gotten off the phone with Nicky, so Nicky shouldn’t have a reason to call. That meant Peter’s parents or someone else was calling in because of an emergency. Quickly, Peter gave his husband an apologetic look before moving away from him to go for his phone. He glanced at the caller ID and his heart began to pound when he read that it was an incoming call from the bureau. “This is Burke,” he said upon answering.

“ _Peter, this is Hughes._ ” Already this wasn’t sitting well with Peter… “ _We’ve gotten word that Rachel Turner was spotted in France last night._ ” Peter turned quickly to look at his husband who was sitting on the floor beside his suitcase, rubbing over his watch lovingly. He was so terrified because he didn’t want to lose Neal again. He didn’t want Neal to be hurt worse than he already had been. “ _She wasn’t spotted in Paris, but there may be a chance that she knows where you two are, so I would recommend you proceed in your vacation with caution or return home immediately._ ”

Neal glanced up at Peter when Peter was silent far too long. He immediately saw the fear in Peter’s eyes and pushed himself up, nearing his husband. Wrapping his arms around the older man, he pressed the side of his face against Peter’s. Something was wrong—he could feel it. He just wanted to keep Peter calm and hoped his touch was helping Peter somehow. “Is Interpol keeping tabs or have we lost her?” Neal tensed, knowing what the issue was now. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. Peter explained Interpol’s purpose to him and the mention of _her_ clicked with him instantaneously. After a few moments of listening to Reese, Peter nodded and quietly thanked him before saying he needed to get off of the phone and asking to be kept up to date on any new information.

Panicking, Neal shifted away from Peter. He didn’t particularly care if he were hurt, but he was worried about Peter. He knew now that Peter didn’t want to be without him, that being without him would destroy Peter. After spending these last couple of months with Peter following his memory loss, he didn’t want to put Peter through more hell. “She’s here,” he whispered. It wasn’t a question because he already knew the answer, but he was still afraid nonetheless. After hearing everything Peter’s told him about their life together, he didn’t want something to happen to either of them for Peter’s sake. Peter has been through so much himself and he tried not to sound like he’d suffered, but Neal knew he had.

“Honey, it’s okay,” Peter said, noticing the frenzied look in his husband’s eyes. That was strange considering he hadn’t seen that look in what felt like forever. “She isn’t going to find you.”

The panic hit Neal like a bus when feelings, sensations, and terrors came flooding back in his memory. He remembered being in a dark room with the man he now recognized as Craig. It must’ve been when he’d first been raped by Craig because neither Nicky nor Vincent were there. “ _Your lover will never find you,_ ” he’d hissed. Scoffing, he whispered, “ _So much for true love. He wouldn’t be able to find you even if he tried—and I highly doubt he’ll try. You’re not worth the time and effort it’d take._ ” Neal felt pains surge through his body. Craig was scratching him, biting him, nipping at his skin in what Craig must’ve thought was a playful manner. “ _He doesn’t love you. He has never loved you. Nobody loves you._ ”

“ _Stop talking about him!_ ” a feminine voice he could never forget snarled at him. “ _He’s not your husband, you bastard._ ” Neal gasped at how recent the memory was. It’d been before he lost his memory. He’d been Rachel’s captive and he must’ve been taunting her about Peter. “ _One day, you’ll forget his name. I promise you that._ ”

Backpedaling away from Peter, Neal shook his head. He was trying to get the voices out of his head. “Neal,” Peter pleaded. He knew better than to step closer when Neal was trying to get away. “Honey, it’s all going to be just fine.” Neal kept shaking his head and Peter was worried—very worried. “Neal. Baby, it’s okay. It’s okay. I promise.”

Neal blinked when he heard Peter’s voice clearly. Peter’s voice brought some clarity into his suddenly darkened thoughts. He kept blinking until he could completely see his husband and then he closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Peter. “You’re the only one who’s ever really loved me,” he whispered against Peter, surprising the older man. “You’re the only one… You’ve always been the only one.” He didn’t understand why he was babbling, but something inside of him kept telling him that Peter was the one for him, that he was the only one Neal ever wanted. He was the only man Peter ever wanted as well.

Holding his husband as tightly as he could without hurting him, Peter asked, “Honey, are you okay?” Neal was silent. It wasn’t that he was unwilling to answer or that he didn’t know what to say… He didn’t feel the need to respond. The way he returned Peter’s embrace was answer enough and Peter understood it—thankfully. “I’m here,” Peter said softly. “I’ll always be here for you.”

He could remember moments when Peter promised him that, when he’d promised their son that, and he knew Peter kept his word. He was always right there when you needed him. “I know,” Neal whispered, closing his eyes as he rubbed his head against Peter’s.

“You aren’t alone, baby,” Peter said. “She won’t find you. I’ll keep you safe.” Kissing his husband’s hair, Peter whispered, “You and I still have a few days left to enjoy together. I won’t let her or anyone else ruin it for you.”

“For us,” Neal murmured, correcting his husband. “This vacation is for us, not just for me, Peter.”

Sighing quietly, Peter forced himself to nod and agree. He didn’t want to argue that with Neal even though he truly believed that this vacation was more for Neal than anything else. Then again, he had every intention of bringing them closer and he’d done so when they’d spent the entirety of their anniversary together. Their long date as well as their lovemaking during the night had solidified their relationship in his mind and he was truly grateful for that. Neal, having lost his memory of their relationship, could have easily distanced himself from Peter and tried to break their attachment to each other.

Instead, Neal embraced Peter’s love for him and walked along his own path until he came to the realization that he was also in love with Peter. It took Peter some time to get that through his head, but Neal was successful in doing so. “I love you deeply,” Peter whispered. “I’m not going to let her near you, Neal.”

“I know.” Neal trusted the older man with all of his heart and soul. He knew Peter could protect him. Even though Peter blamed himself for things that have happened to Neal in the past, Neal knew Peter would protect him and even give his life for him if given the chance. Neal may have lost parts of his life when Rachel tortured him, but he knew he’d readily give his life for Peter. He’d dreamt about the day he’d given up his body to Craig in order to save Peter from having to experience rape and torture. He hadn’t discussed it with Peter because he figured Peter would become very agitated at having to relive the experience because Neal remembered it.

Peter didn’t want Neal’s memories to be plagued with all of the moments when he’d been tormented by his stepfather and his stepfather’s friend, but Neal knew he couldn’t help that those memories returned. They were generally in the form of nightmares and he’d had a few of them since coming to Paris with Peter, but he tried to keep them to himself. He understood what happened as a result of Peter talking to him about these things prior to having his nightmares, but he didn’t want to share his vivid nightmares with Peter.

He’d seen the older man upset far too much lately and he didn’t like the idea that he was the reason Peter’s been upset. His memories didn’t hurt him much unless he felt the phantom pains of what had been done to him, but they hurt Peter a great deal. Neal understood that because he knew Peter was the one who’d been there for him in moments of suicidal intent, self-consciousness, and self-deprecation. Peter was always there to save him when he needed him—and he had the feeling that Peter would always be there to save him.

•◊•

Neal panted beneath Peter as Peter made passionate love to him that night. He’d had a few moments in which he felt he was going to have an anxiety attack or something similar, but Peter kept him grounded and helped him through what was going on in his mind. Lying beneath his husband, he was grateful to have the older man all to himself. “Peter,” he whispered as he stared up at the strong man above him. “Harder,” he pleaded. He knew Peter wanted him to be vocal about whatever he wanted or needed, but Peter always seemed so hesitant to do anything harder than what they’d become accustom with. “Please.”

Much to Neal’s surprise, Peter conceded almost immediately. He wasn’t going to complain by any means since it was what he’d asked for and he was enjoying it as much as he hoped Peter was, but something was wrong. Peter hadn’t said he loved him once since their bodies had connected and that wasn’t generally how Peter was. “Neal,” he groaned, simply wanting to say his husband’s name. But Neal could hear something off about the way Peter said his name.

Peter’s fingernails dug into Neal’s hips and Neal gasped each time Peter brushed against his prostate. His thrusts were deep and powerful, yet they were still full of passion, but Neal felt the tension and pent up frustration in each thrust as well. “Wait,” Neal said suddenly, wanting to talk to his husband. He didn’t want to enjoy himself at Peter’s expense because he knew something was wrong with the older man. He’d seemed completely fine throughout the day, but he’d been reluctant to crawl into bed when Neal asked if they could spend time together in bed.

Immediately stopping himself, Peter breathed heavily and focused on his husband’s eyes, searching for terror or pain and being unable to find either. “Are you okay?” he asked concernedly.

Laughing sadly, Neal said, “That’s what I wanted to ask you.” They were both breathless, but Peter was confused, wondering why his husband was concerned. Yes, something was troubling him, but he didn’t think he’d exposed his troubles enough for Neal to pick up on them. “Peter, what is it?”

“What is what?”

“What’s bothering you? Whatever it is, it’s affecting the way you’re making love to me.”

Looking devastated, Peter asked him, “Was I hurting you?”

Shaking his head, the younger man quickly reassured his husband. “No, not at all. But I know you by now,” he whispered. Lifting his hands to rub the sides of Peter’s neck where it met his shoulders, he added, “You’re extremely tense and you…haven’t said you love me since before we started.” Peter’s eyes were wide and full of pain. “I’m not accusing you of being a bad lover or anything ridiculous like that. I’m just worried and I want to know what’s on your mind.”

“I can’t stop thinking,” Peter said, sounding pained. Neal gave him a look, silently asking him to expand on that. Sighing in frustration, Peter added, “I hate everyone who’s ever hurt you, Neal. Rachel, Vincent… Especially _Craig._ ” Growling, he whispered, “If I could have hurt them the way they hurt you, they truly would have suffered.”

Neal’s brows furrowed in concern. “Peter, Vincent and Craig are both dead. We’ll bring Rachel to justice for what she did, but they aren’t important right now. When you and I are in bed and—”

“No,” Peter snapped. “Don’t you ever tell me they aren’t important. I would have murdered them in an instant had I known where they had taken you—and what they were doing to you.” Neal swallowed hard, nodding slowly. “I can’t forget how afraid you were of being with me, of sleeping in bed beside me. I can never forget the way you looked when I pulled you into my arms and carried you away from that hellhole.” Neal knew that Peter had kept this pent up inside of himself for however long and, apparently, talking about it didn’t seem to help considering he was still so hung up on all of the pain those bastards had caused Neal.

“You’re in bed with me, inside of my body,” Neal whispered. “When we’re together, there isn’t any room for them.” He caressed the sides of his husband’s face, murmuring, “They can’t hurt me anymore, so please don’t let them get to you.”

After a few moments of silence, Peter nodded curtly, muttered, “Fine,” and resumed their lovemaking. They were both panting and Neal’s arms were wrapped around Peter’s neck. His eyes were on Peter’s and he could see something in Peter’s eyes that frightened him. He tentatively pleaded for Peter to thrust into him harder in the hopes that it might relieve Peter’s frustrations. He knew Peter didn’t want to take advantage of him, but how was Peter going to do that if Neal asked for a change in pace and force?

Again, to Neal’s surprise, Peter conceded. Unlike earlier, Peter was pounding into him. Earlier, Peter’s thrusts and the force of them had been well-controlled. Now, his rhythm was erratic and it looked like he’d lost control of himself and was allowing his body to take Neal in a way that bordered on painfully.

Gasping, Neal closed his eyes. He wasn’t going to stop Peter. If it helped Peter, then that was wonderful—or so he thought.

By the time he came, Peter had come with him and then collapsed on top of him. Neal wrapped his arms around Peter, breathing heavily as he hugged his husband against him. “I love you,” he whispered. He was so sore after that, but he wasn’t going to bring attention to it. He could feel the older man’s warmth inside of him and he loved it. He could also feel the older man’s warmth on top of him.

“I love you, too,” Peter said breathlessly. Sliding his left hand up and down Neal’s right side, he whispered, “We should shower.”

Chuckling, Neal asked, “Don’t want to sleep in our sweat?”

Peter smirked against his husband’s neck, murmuring, “I want to do something else, so I’d prefer it if we weren’t sweaty.”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “Oh? That’s a first.” Rolling his eyes, Peter slipped out of his husband and glanced down. His eyes widened when he saw _red._ “Peter, you okay?” Peter moved off of the bed quickly and ran into the bathroom. Neal was confused and looked down at himself to see what Peter saw and he gasped, knowing all hell was about to break loose. “Peter,” he said fearfully when the older man came back out with a towel and knelt on the bed beside him. Peter was gentle as he tried to help Neal and Neal was afraid of the way his husband was going to react.

After a few minutes, Peter seemed like he’d relaxed, but Neal knew better. He watched Peter’s eyes. In a voice so soft that it scared the hell out of Neal, Peter asked, “Was I hurting you?” Swallowing hard, Neal blinked back tears. He didn’t want to answer. No, Peter hadn’t hurt him to the point where Neal was afraid of Peter becoming Vincent or Craig. He’d been surprised by Peter, but he’d liked how Peter was making love to him. “Was I hurting you?” he repeated, his voice firmer. Staring into Neal’s eyes, he could see the answer as well as Neal’s fear.

“Peter, please,” Neal begged, reaching out to touch Peter’s bare arm.

Peter lashed out and part of him wanted to hit Neal for not telling him that he was hurting, but he managed to keep himself from striking the younger man, although Neal still flinched as if he were expecting to be hit. “You know I love you. How am I supposed to prove that to you as often as I can if I don’t know when I’m hurting you?” Glancing down at the towel he’d placed between Neal’s legs, he growled, “I feel like I just raped my own husband.”

Shaking his head, Neal said, “No. You did nothing wrong. I asked you to—”

“It’s not _wrong_ if you _ask_ for it?” Peter snarled, his eyes blazing when he met Neal’s again. Neal was silent because he didn’t want to piss Peter off more than he already had. “For all intents and purposes, I just raped you.” Before Neal could protest, he added, “Don’t you dare say otherwise. I just made you bleed after fucking you roughly.”

“I asked you to do it!” Neal said, his eyes pleading with Peter to understand. “I don’t consider it rape.”

“You wouldn’t know rape even if it were happening to you, you ignorant—” He cut himself off and his eyes widened when he realized how awful he’d just sounded to his own husband. Neal looked as if he’d been physically struck by Peter and Peter knew he couldn’t apologize for what he’d just begun to say. There was no sufficient apology for any of that.

Neal’s eyes hardened then and he looked severely pissed off now. “I’m showering first then. You can wait.” He grabbed the towel and took it into the bathroom with him, slamming the door shut. For once, he hadn’t locked it. In truth, Neal was hoping Peter would come in with him, but he wasn’t getting his hopes up considering how sensitive Peter is whenever he does or says anything to upset him.

After turning on the water and standing under the spray for a few minutes, he heard the door open—very tentatively. Closing his eyes, he waited for Peter to speak first. “Is it okay if I come in?” Neal opened his eyes and stepped out from underneath the spray, moving to pull the curtain open. Silently, he nodded and jerked his head, motioning for Peter to get in. The older man climbed into the shower with him and wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist, whispering, “I don’t know how to even begin going about telling you I’m so sorry…”

“Do you honestly think you raped me?” Peter was silent, debating on his answer. In a way, he felt like he had raped Neal, but… He knew Neal was his husband and he knew that he wasn’t the kind of man to just rape the love of his life. No matter how many times he’d felt like he’d taken advantage of Neal in the past, he knew he’d never rape Neal—drunk or sober. He’d been drunk with Neal once or twice in the past—and Neal had been drunk, too—and they’d made love, but it’d never been rape between them. “You didn’t, Peter. I know what rape is. I’ve felt it in my dreams, in my waking moments, and I went through it with those men and women in the brothel.” Neal lifted his hands, resting them on Peter’s pectorals. Sighing quietly, he traced his fingers over Peter’s scar, whispering, “I know you didn’t rape me. You’d never hurt me like that and I know that.” Focusing on the scar on Peter’s chest, he added, “I’m sorry for not telling you that you were getting rough, but I honestly liked it. I just… It wasn’t my intention to withhold that information and upset you in the end. I just wanted you to finally lose yourself with me and you did.”

“I made you bleed, just like they did…”

Meeting Peter’s eyes, Neal shook his head. “It was nothing like what they did. Their purpose was to make me bleed, to cause me internal and external pain.” Leaning up a bit to kiss his husband’s lips, he whispered, “You would never do that to me. You made love to me passionately—that’s how I see it.”

Peter eventually forced himself to let it go, figuring Neal would truly know the difference between rape and lovemaking. To be completely honest with himself, he believed he’d simply gotten a little rough with his husband. It wasn’t like his sole intention and purpose was to cause Neal pain. He would’ve stopped immediately if Neal had asked him to. “I love you so much. I never want to do anything to lose you…”

“Stop being so sensitive about these things,” Neal whispered. “I love you and I know you love me.” He turned in Peter’s arms and looked up at Peter, giving him a small smile. “I’m not going to leave you. Even if you’d supposedly raped me, I love you.” Peter’s nose wrinkled in disgust at the thought that Neal would actually stay with him had he raped Neal. “I’m devoted to you in mind, body, and soul. My heart is yours. My body is yours. My every thought belongs to you.” He tentatively kissed his husband and was pleased when Peter returned his kiss passionately. “I am yours and not just because I share your surname. I’m yours because—”

“I was made for you as much as you were made for me,” Peter whispered. “We’re soulmates. We were always destined to be together forever even if we didn’t know or believe it.” Neal nodded, grinning.

Neal kissed Peter’s throat and whispered, “I am so in love with you.” Peter returned the sentiment in kind, hoping that Neal would never forget that. Then again, they’d made it through these last few months following Neal’s memory loss. If they could make it through that, they could make it through anything.

•◊•

Neal sat cross-legged on their bed as Peter rummaged through the suitcase he’d filled with Neal’s life. It was well after two in the morning, but neither of them could sleep. They were a bit worked up after their shower earlier and they’d made love again—slower, passionate love. “Peter, are we going to cuddle or are you keeping yourself in that suitcase all night?”

Huffing, Peter murmured, “We’ll cuddle as soon as I find the damn— _got it._ ” He sat back triumphantly and showed Neal the little photo album he’d put together alongside a DVD. “We’re going to look at half of the photo album—or whatever part of that half tonight. The DVD complements the photos, but I think—and hope—you’ll like the DVD more.” Meeting his husband’s gaze, he asked, “Would you prefer to look at pictures or watch the video first?”

“Let’s watch the video.” Peter nodded and Neal kept his eyes on Peter as Peter moved. He’d purchased a portable DVD player that they could watch it on. “You okay?” Neal asked as Peter set everything up. He noticed his husband’s hands shaking a bit and that concerned him. Was the content of the DVD something Peter wasn’t proud of? Something that unnerved him?

“Of course,” Peter said, smiling softly at the younger man. He scooted closer to Neal and lifted his hand to stroke the side of Neal’s face, caressing his cheek. “I just started thinking, wishing I could’ve made this moment more…memorable.”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal said, “Why don’t we let the video speak for itself and you stop worrying?” Peter chuckled, taking the disk out of the box he’d stored it in and gently inserting it into the DVD player as if it were a precious treasure of his that he didn’t want damaged.

It took only a few moments for the video to begin and Neal watched, entranced, as he and Peter showed up on the small screen. He could hear a few people counting down from ten, but he and Peter were the focus. Peter was fishing something out of his pocket while Neal stared elsewhere and then he heard the ‘Happy New Year’ mantra on what he assumed was the television in the recording. Just as the ball had dropped to signify the beginning of the New Year, Peter tugged at Neal’s hand and knelt before him.

Neal’s eyes widened as he watched himself on the screen do the same. He hadn’t realized that this was when Peter proposed to him until that moment. He’d been a bit confused while watching, but now it made sense.

“ _Neal George Caffrey,_ ” Peter began. “ _I’ve loved you since the moment I met you. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings, but I must have done something right to make you feel the same way—and keep you interested._ ” In the recording, Neal’s eyes were watering. In the present day, Peter glanced at his husband and watched him have the same reaction. “ _You’re the first man I’ve ever fallen in love with and I know you’re the last. I love your smiles, your eyes, and your laugh. I love the way you sing and dance._ ” Peter looked and sounded so happy in the video and Neal was remembering this, remembering how overwhelmed and happy he’d felt once he realized what Peter was doing. “ _I love the way you look at me when we’re together. After everything you’ve been through, you still hold my heart just as you did when we first got together._ ” Peter looked a little emotional in the video, but this was a very emotional moment for them both. Peter was asking Neal to spend the rest of their lives together—a huge commitment, especially for Neal because he hadn’t set his sights on marriage prior to meeting Peter. “ _I can’t imagine a day without waking up beside you, going to bed with you, and just being_ with _you. I’ve given you all that I have to offer of my heart, so I hope it’s enough._ ” In that moment, he’d let go of Neal’s hand very briefly to glance away and pull out the box he’d been hiding throughout the night. As soon as he opened it, Neal could remember it. He could remember what led up to the proposal—playing hide-and-seek with the entire household, eating snacks, laughing and giggling until they were ready to watch the ball drop. “ _Neal, will you marry me?_ ” he whispered, his eyes focused entirely on the younger man’s face.

Neal, as he watched the video, fell into it. He burst into tears and nodded, whispering, “Yes.” Peter startled, not expecting Neal to speak the lines he’d spoken _as_ he spoke them on the recording. “A million times yes.”

In the recording, Peter slid the engagement ring onto Neal’s finger and then proceeded to kiss him. They held each other as tightly as they could and the tears were still rolling down Neal’s face. “ _I love you,_ ” Peter whispered in his ear. It was quiet, but not enough for the recorder to fail in capturing it.

“I love you so much,” Neal said aloud as he said it on the screen.

Peter pulled Neal close and whispered, “You remembered it?” Neal nodded, wiping his tears away even as more came. Peter smiled and batted his hands away gently, doing it himself. He let Neal sit up and proceeded to kiss his husband’s tears away. “I’m glad, sweetheart.”

“Do I still have that ring somewhere?”

“Do you want it?”

Neal nodded, whispering, “It’s beautiful. I want to wear it with my wedding ring.” Sniffling a bit, he added, “It means a lot to me—that I can remember it now. I don’t ever want to forget it again.” Peter shifted a bit and pulled the engagement ring out of his pocket, holding it out for Neal. He hadn’t been expecting Neal to want it, but he’d taken it out of the suitcase in case Neal wanted proof that the engagement ring existed. Excitedly, Neal reached for the ring, but Peter stopped him. He tentatively took Neal’s left hand and slid the engagement ring onto his slender finger, resting it above Neal’s silver wedding band. “Thank you,” Neal said thickly, smiling at the older man as he blinked away his tears.

Peter’s heartstrings were being tugged at as he watched the younger man. “No… Thank _you._ ” He pulled Neal close and hugged him, loving the fact that Neal was pressing gentle kisses against his neck. “I love you, Neal. Thank you for saying yes to me.”

“I will always say yes to you,” Neal said. Peter’s heart swelled when Neal hugged him tighter as if to reinforce that he and Peter belong to each other—and Peter believed they did. He could be a bit possessive of his husband and claim him all for himself, but he knew he’d never do that if Neal didn’t already feel as though he belonged to him.

Sometimes, Peter didn’t like the fact that he so easily claimed Neal as his, but moments like this made it seem okay. Neal knows he’s welcome, that he is loved unconditionally. He would always be welcome into Peter’s arms and he’d always be loved unconditionally. Nothing would ever change the way Peter loves him and, evidently, nothing could change the way Neal loves Peter.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal watch their wedding video; The couple spends their last few days in Paris before getting ready to head home.

Neal woke up to Peter grinding against him. Raising an eyebrow without opening his eyes, he slid his hand up to Peter’s, holding it over his chest. He startled the older man and smiled to himself. “Shit. Did I wake you up?”

“If you’re horny, you might as well wake me up,” he murmured. “You know I’m always up for a round with you.”

Peter chuckled, kissing behind his husband’s ear, gently nipping at the sensitive spot below it. “I just wanted to feel your warm body. I wasn’t going to…do anything.” Neal slowly opened his eyes as he turned over to lie on his back. Peter rested his hand at the center of Neal’s chest, rubbing over his heart. “I like it if you’re awake enough to feel me moving inside of you.” Neal grinned at him sleepily and Peter thought he looked adorable. “Good morning, baby.”

Neal leaned up just in time to receive a sweet kiss from the older man. “Good morning, my love.” 

The older man shifted around until he could rest his head on his husband’s chest, rubbing Neal’s abdomen with his left hand. “How’re you doing?”

“Excited,” Neal murmured as he stroked his fingers up and down Peter’s bare back. “You promised me we’d watch our wedding video—and look at some more pictures today.” Peter grinned to himself, loving that his husband was eager to watch their wedding. They hadn’t recorded their first wedding with the justice of the peace, but they had taken the time to have someone record them while they had their family ceremony. It wasn’t like the happiness and excitement died down after they’d gotten married earlier that morning. Getting married for a second time in the same day was just as beautiful.

And they could both see that as clear as day as they proceeded to watch themselves get married by Mozzie in front of all of their close friends and family. Peter was thankful that Rachel hadn’t been recorded during any of this because that surely would have ruined the mood almost instantly—on Peter’s behalf, unfortunately. Neal may or may not have had much of an issue with seeing her on the screen at their wedding, but Peter loathed the very idea that she’d once been very close to them.

Neal looked like a child on Christmas morning as he watched their wedding play out in front of him on the screen. He watched Jon lead him out to Peter, giving him his blessing to marry his son. They said their vows to each other and Mozzie was able to wed them before their loved ones.

When the video focused on the montage of pictures Peter and Elizabeth put together for Neal, Peter could see the tears in Neal’s eyes. He’d shown Neal some if not most of the pictures in that video, but Peter knew it was the music that was getting to him more. He could remember times they’d played that music at home and he was able to remember the moments he was looking at as the pictures appeared and disappeared.

It meant so much to him, watching the happiest day of his life include his past, present, and future all in one. Peter was reminding him that he was a beautiful man that day, that he’d always been a beautiful man with a beautiful heart. By displaying pictures of Neal with Nicky long before Peter had come into their lives, Peter was showing Neal that his loving heart hadn’t changed him one bit.

Both the toasts by their friends and Jon as well as the video montage made Neal cry, but he was crying tears of joy. He wished he could remember that day as if it were yesterday, but bits and pieces were coming back to him. He could remember looking up at Peter happily as Peter toasted to their friends and family.

By the time they’d finished their video, Neal was very happy and… _excitable._

“Oh, baby…” Peter moaned as he slid his hands up and down Neal’s back repeatedly. Neal was bouncing atop him, planting gentle kisses against Peter’s forehead, nose, and cheeks occasionally before finally planting a few kisses on his lips and repeating the process over and over again. “Mm…”

Neal panted quietly, his palms pressed against Peter’s pectorals. They hadn’t made love like this yet—since arriving in Paris. Peter wanted to be above Neal, making love to him, but he’d let Neal make this request and go through with it because it was what Neal wanted. Besides, he would never dream of complaining if Neal wanted to ride him. As long as Neal didn’t hurt himself in the process, Peter was just happy to connect with his husband.

Tangling his fingers in Peter’s short hair, Neal whispered, “Would you marry me again someday?”

Peter didn’t have to think about that as he said, “I’d marry you a thousand times and be happier each and every time.” It was similar to him asking Neal if Neal would say yes to him if he asked Neal to marry him again and Neal promising that he’d always say yes to Peter.

Neal’s movements paused and Peter stared up at his husband’s face, searching his eyes. “I’m not saying this has to happen soon or anything,” he whispered nervously. “Could we recreate our wedding day? I don’t care if it’s a couple years from now. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, Peter.”

The older man chuckled and rolled his eyes. “You think I’ll just jump to attention and throw you a wedding tomorrow?” Neal raised an eyebrow, silently challenging Peter to say he wouldn’t do that. “You’d probably be right…”

“You’ve done so much for me and you continue to do so much for me,” Neal said. “I wouldn’t put it past you, but I don’t want this to be a task or some kind of memory-jogging exercise.” Neal rubbed his hands over Peter’s chest, his fingers lingering over the scar at the center a few moments longer than he’d intended on keeping his fingers there. Every time he touched Peter’s scar, he could feel his heart breaking as though he were going to lose Peter—lose the love he and Peter share. “I want it to feel like an actual wedding, but it doesn’t have to be anything spectacular. I…want it to be just us and our family.” Peter nodded, listening intently to the younger man as he spoke. “I love you and I want to…” He trailed off, feeling embarrassed for being so passionate about recreating their wedding.

What Neal didn’t realize was that Peter was absolutely interested in his idea. He’d recreated a prom night for Neal because Neal had missed out on that and he was planning to simulate a high school graduation for Neal once Nicky and Trent graduated. In truth, he would do anything to make Neal happy. He’d throw a wedding for him just to give him the feelings of elation, the feelings of being wanted and loved. No, he wouldn’t throw a grand wedding even though he felt like Neal deserved it. He knew what kind of wedding Neal would want and it was be almost identical to how they’d been married the first time. It was simple, family-oriented, and made them both happy.

“I love you,” Peter said, filling in the silence. “I’m more than happy to get married to you again, honey. Marrying you was my dream when we were dating… Being married to you has been that dream come true.” Running his fingers across Neal’s bare back, tracing over his scar and his tattoo, he whispered, “How could it not be a dream to have such a beautiful man all to myself every waking moment?”

Neal blushed furiously, wishing he knew how to respond to that. Peter was such a romantic. “Thank you.”

Peter was half tempted to flip them over and love his husband straight through their bedsprings, but he knew Neal needed to feel like he had some semblance of control in bed and he refused to take that feeling away from Neal. After everything he’d been put through, Neal deserved to make decisions when it came to them.

“There’s no reason to thank me, angel,” Peter responded softly, stretching up a bit to peck Neal’s lips. He slid his hands down Neal’s body, caressing his hips and gliding his fingers across Neal’s thighs and calves. “You’re the absolute embodiment of an angel…”

“I wish,” Neal scoffed. Peter raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Peter shook his head and slid his hand around to cup Neal’s ass, rubbing him gently. “If only you could see yourself through my eyes. You’d see true beauty before you—just the way I do.” Neal was tempted to roll his eyes, but he knew Peter was being sincere. Peter doesn’t lie about these things. When he gives out a compliment, he means it. When he speaks about how angelic he thinks his husband is, he means that, too.

Neal sighed quietly and whispered, “I know I don’t act grateful when you say things like that sometimes, but it means a lot to me.” He tentatively resumed their lovemaking, slowly bouncing atop his husband again. Peter’s hands were gliding over almost every part of Neal’s body that he could reach and Neal knew what he was doing. He was emphasizing his point that he thought Neal was a very beautiful man. By caressing every inch of exposed skin, he silently let Neal know that he was beautiful in such an exposed way—a way that only Peter was consensually privy to. They both tried not to think about how many other people had seen Neal naked—and about the things they’d done to him in such a state of undress.

While they were together, it was supposed to be just them. It would always be just them.

•◊•

In the final days before the two men began to pack up so they could head home to their family, they spent most of their time looking over other pictures, playing music, and just talking about whatever they could think of. When Peter brought things up and said the bare minimum, Neal continued the story and it felt as though he’d actually been there.

It felt like he could remember it perfectly and that always excited him.

They, fortunately, hadn’t had much of a reason to fight each other before they’d begun packing up. Their last several days together were wonderful—as it had been at the start. Hell, the majority of their vacation together was perfect. Neal wished he could exclude their occasional fights, but the more he thought about it the more he realized that it was probably good for them to argue about something.

If everything were perfect all the time, nothing would be right.

Having issues and resolving them is what makes their relationship work. When he’d spoken to Peter about that, Peter actually agreed with him. He claimed that he always caused the problems between them, but Neal didn’t see it that way. He didn’t like blaming Peter. “We’re in a relationship, a marriage,” Neal had told him while holding both of his hands. “We’re in this together. When there’s a problem, we’re both at the center of it.”

Peter just smiled at him silently and chuckled, loving his husband more and more with every passing moment.

•◊•

“I’m actually really going to miss this place,” Neal said quietly as he and Peter stood in the doorway, taking in the sight of their hotel room for the last time. They were heading back to New York today—home where their children were. Glancing up at Peter, he tentatively took the older man’s hand and added, “Thank you for bringing me here, Peter.”

Peter leaned down towards his husband as Neal tilted his face up a bit. He pecked the younger man’s lips gently, sliding his left arm around his waist. “Thank you for coming with me—for celebrating our love and life together.”

Neal shifted until he was able to pull Peter into his arms, breathing in the very masculine scent of his lover. “There’s nowhere I wouldn’t go with you.” He kissed Peter’s collarbone through the t-shirt Peter had on and whispered, “I love you so much.”

“Not nearly as much as I love you,” Peter teased softly, grinning as Neal smirked up at him. He caressed the sides of Neal’s face, stroking his thumbs over Neal’s cheekbones. “We have to do this again, sweetheart. You and I don’t have date nights or vacations often enough.”

“That’s what happens when we have three children,” Neal said, chuckling. “I miss them, too, but spending time with you has been… I like it a lot.”

“This really does feel like our honeymoon all over again. We loved spending time alone together, but we couldn’t wait to get back home to Nick.” Shaking his head while he smiled, he added, “It’s nice to see that things don’t change sometimes. And I know damn well that the kids will be excited to see us.”

They picked up their suitcases, gave each other one last kiss and a small smile, and left their hotel room. They’d spent two weeks here together, learning to love everything about each other. Each night that Peter jogged his memory with pictures and such made Neal love him more and he felt eternally grateful to the older man for having such patience with him. Looking at different points in his life before, during, and after Peter thrilled him to no end. Of course it was nicer to see the memories he’d made _with_ Peter, but he knew there’d be several years before those memories began when they’d started. Peter didn’t have a whole lot to do with Neal’s life before having Nicky, but Neal was okay with that. He didn’t want to see pictures of his parents, of his stepfather, or anything like that. Bits and pieces of memories that came back over the last two weeks disinterested him in wanting to know what his childhood was like.

After looking at some pictures of Nicky during a Christmas before Peter came into their lives, Neal could remember Christmas morning when he was young, quite possibly around ten years old—perhaps younger. He’d been sitting eagerly in front of the Christmas tree and asked, presumably to his mother, “ _Can I open my presents now? Santa brought me a lot of presents._ ”

Before she’d had the opportunity to answer, Vincent had been there, grabbing his wrists and yanking him up, getting right in his face. “ _Grow up, child,_ ” he’d hissed, spitting on Neal’s face as he spoke angrily. “ _You’re too stupid to realize that there is no such thing as_ Santa Claus.” Neal flinched in front of his stepfather, staring at him fearfully. “ _Idiot boy,_ ” he added as he shoved Neal back until Neal fell on his ass on the floor with tears in his eyes. “ _Your mother bought these for you even though you don’t deserve them._ ” The one thing Neal hated, aside from the obvious, about that memory was that his mother stood in the background and simply _watched_ her husband essentially begin his abusive streak with her own son.

Fortunately, that flashback had been followed up with a much more pleasant one involving his son. He’d been sitting on the floor in front of a considerably small Christmas tree with a very young Nicky and Nicky was beaming at him and bouncing excitedly as he asked, “Daddy, daddy! Can I open my presents now?”

Neal only smiled and shifted closer to the boy, bringing a few of his presents closer. Watching the joy in Nicky’s eyes as he ripped the wrapping paper right off of his gifts brought warmth and happiness to Neal’s heart. He was proud of himself for giving Nicky a decent childhood from what he’d seen and remembered so far.

Peter noticed that his husband seemed lost in thought and he assumed it was because Neal was thinking about things he’d remembered over the course of their extended honeymoon. Neal didn’t share all of his thoughts and memories when they came to him, but he shared most of them with Peter. “Neal?” he murmured as they stopped outside of the hotel and waited for a taxi to pass by so they could flag it down and ask for a ride back to the airport. Neal snapped out of it and glanced at Peter questioningly. “You okay?”

“Of course,” Neal assured him with a small smile. “Just remembering a couple things.” He glanced around and Peter resumed his task of searching for a taxi. Neal let Peter handle that bit and he took in the sights of Paris one last time, hoping to God that they could come back again someday. He didn’t particularly care when or why, he just wanted to come here with Peter and relive some of the romance they’d sparked in that hotel room—and in the streets of Paris. Peter, despite looking slightly intimidating and very manly, was such a teddy bear. He possesses a beautiful heart, a romantic nature that Neal absolutely loved and hoped he’d see for the rest of their lives together.

Unfortunately, as he was peering around the area, his eyes found a young woman whose hair was several shades redder than he assumed it naturally should have been. His eyes locked onto her and, though she wasn’t looking at him, he felt some kind of connection to her. Whatever it was, it was beginning to unnerve him.

Furrowing his brows, he focused on her, willing her to look at him so he could see her face. And then the moment finally came when she turned enough. The second her face was revealed to him, his eyes widened in pain and his lips parted in a silent scream. He hadn’t seen her in person since he’d been abandoned by her in the brothel, when she’d promised him that he’d be fine and she’d be back soon. She’d never come back for him as far as he was concerned. She left him bleeding after he’d been shot by one of her ‘friends.’ That’s when his life changed, when Peter rescued him.

He remembered being on his hands and knees in front of a very bulky man, having his ass slapped repeatedly as she giggled in the chair across the room from him. “That’s my boy,” she’d cooed to him as if he were a child. For all intents and purposes, he’d been childlike in a way. He hadn’t known any better than to let her ‘friends’ have their way with him. And he hadn’t protested to any of it because he didn’t think he’d be given the option to.

Feelings of neediness, of fear, and anger surged through him in that moment. He felt needy because of the way she’d made him feel and think while he’d been nothing more than a sex slave for her entertainment. He was afraid because of the power she’d had over him for several weeks on end. He was angry because of the way she’d used him.

Neal isn’t a particularly violent man, but his fear was consuming him. His neediness and anger simmered, but the fear remained. If she’d been able to keep him hidden away from his husband and use him as a sex slave, who’s to say no one else could do the same to him? He’d submitted to a woman—as a man. Although he wasn’t entirely sure that he’d had the option of submission. It’d been thrust upon him and he could feel men and women—women with an affinity for sex toys—thrusting into him.

The moment Neal had cringed, Peter took notice of it. “Neal?” he asked worriedly, setting a suitcase down in order to rest his hand on Neal’s back. The younger man was trembling and that instantly concerned Peter. “Neal, honey, what is it?”

Neal’s lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. He looked like he was terrified—and in some kind of pain. Following Neal’s gaze, Peter found her. That evil, sadistic bitch was standing there, smirking at Neal, knowing she was tormenting him to his very core. So much for loving him, Peter growled in his own mind. No man or woman should ever treat a lover the way she’d treated Neal. Neal deserved far better than that torture—and this torture for that matter.

When Peter slid his arm around Neal and pulled him closer, Neal lost all sense of control and broke down. Tears were sliding down the sides of his face and he was making pained sounds, sounds that Peter could remember hearing on recordings in which Neal had been raped by Craig at Fowler’s request. “Don’t touch me!” he cried, his grip on his suitcase handles loosening as they hit the sidewalk. People were turning to look at them fearfully, wondering why Neal had a sudden outburst in the streets.

“Neal,” Peter whispered frantically as he tried to keep Neal from running. With his arms wrapped around Neal, he could control Neal’s flailing arms for the most part and keep him in place. That wasn’t always the best option though and Peter knew that. He’d restricted Neal once or twice before during a panic attack and that only proved to make things much, much worse before they actually began to get better.

The FBI agent in Peter had him craving to go after that bitch and end her life on these very streets. She realized that Peter had seen her and knew she was the reason behind Neal’s panic attack and she ran. As the temptation to chase her down and shoot her to spare Neal of these damnable memories intensified, Neal thrashed in his arms as though he were being hurt by him and the husband in Peter rose to the surface. “Please,” Neal pleaded as he sobbed, wanting to be released. He’d been shackled and bound while he’d been with Rachel, when she hadn’t trusted him. He didn’t realize he was with Peter, but he wanted to be let out of the circle of his arms because they were stripping him of his freedom to move—to run.

Peter let Rachel go, knowing he may never have the chance to find her again like this. He could have pulled his gun and put a bullet in her head, but he couldn’t allow his husband to suffer like this. Revenge could wait. “Neal, you’re okay,” Peter promised him, kissing his forehead, temple, and hair alternatively. “You’re with Peter. She’s gone. She’s gone, Neal.”

Just then, Peter managed to hail a taxi. The sooner they left the streets and made it to the airport, the sooner they could be home. Even though Neal was a trembling mess in his arms, Peter had to get him away from here.

The taxi pulled up alongside of them and Peter moved Neal closer to it, but Neal shrieked and tried to wiggle his way out of Peter’s arms. “Let go of me!”

“Sweetheart, please,” Peter begged. The taxi driver watched, alarmed, as the two Americans seemed to struggle outside of the taxi.

“Don’t,” Neal pleaded thickly. “Don’t make me go in there. Don’t. Please.”

Peter figured this was something Neal hadn’t spoken to him about. Don’t make him go in there? It was a car, not a prison of some sort. “Baby, I promise I’ll keep you safe.” He loosened his hold on Neal and hoped he could somehow find a way for Neal to trust him enough to get into the taxi before the driver decided they weren’t worth their money. “Neal, please. Get in.”

Very reluctantly, Neal managed to get himself inside of the taxi. It looked like he was terrified, but he did it and Peter was able to get their suitcases into the car. He set them between Neal and the window since Neal seemed inclined to sit right in the middle of the seat rather than against the door. “Don’t hurt me,” he whispered to Peter when Peter slid in and closed the door.

After giving the driver the order to take them to the airport, he took Neal’s hand in his and whispered in response, “I’d never dream of hurting you, sweetheart of mine.” Lifting Neal’s shaky hand, he kissed his husband’s knuckles. “She can’t hurt you anymore. I promise. I’ll never let her hurt you that way again.” He didn’t like doing this with someone else—much less a stranger—in such close proximity, but he needed to keep Neal calm. The risk of him jumping out of the car and getting himself killed while he was so panicky was there and Peter wanted to avoid that if he could.

Peter held Neal all the way to the airport and he was relieved that Neal let him. Neal still trembled against him, but at least he wasn’t trying to escape from his very presence. “Was that really her?” Neal asked his husband when they arrived at the airport. Peter nodded silently at Neal swallowed hard. They both had to grab their suitcases and slide out of the car after Peter paid the driver and thanked him.

Neal waited for Peter to come around the car to his side and Peter stared at him concernedly. “Are you all right?” he asked as the driver took off. Neal didn’t answer, but his lowered gaze answered Peter sufficiently. “If you want to talk, you know I’ll listen, honey…”

Nodding silently, Neal led them into the airport.

Neither of them spoke much until they were sitting on the airplane together. He was trying to gather his thoughts and think of some kind of explanation for his behavior. His outbursts embarrassed the hell out of him even though Peter wasn’t making fun of him in any way. The fact that he’d worried Peter so horribly upset him. He didn’t like doing that to the older man. “I didn’t tell you this before,” Neal whispered, taking Peter’s hand and squeezing it in some notion of necessary strength he needed to gain in order to tell Peter this. “Rachel… In the beginning, when I was being beaten and, essentially, tortured by her bodyguard…” He swallowed hard and Peter stared at him intently, wanting to know what made Neal snap like he had earlier. “She’d caged me for a short while before she finally believed that I truly didn’t know who I was or where I was. I couldn’t move and my arms and legs were so cramped all the time.” Closing his eyes, he whispered, “I felt like I was back there again when you tried to get me into the taxi.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter apologized solemnly, wishing he’d known beforehand.

Neal shook his head as he opened his eyes and met Peter’s. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t know.” He sighed quietly and said, “It felt like I was being forced into a small space again. When I finally got in, I realized it was the car…and I was with you.” Peter nodded silently as Neal leaned towards him. The older man wrapped his arms around his husband, kissing his hair. “I’m sorry for reacting that way. I didn’t…think it’d be like that if I saw her again.”

“Don’t you be sorry either,” Peter said gently. “I’ll be honest and tell you that you’re a hell of a lot stronger than you were before, but I love you as you are and you have the right to be afraid if you want to be.” Neal nuzzled his face against Peter and closed his eyes again. “She hurt you quite a bit, Neal. I don’t blame you for being afraid. I know you can’t remember some of the things she put you through, but she did hurt you…”

“But still. Having that kind of reaction—”

“—was human,” Peter interjected. He held Neal close and listened to him breathe evenly. “Hon, you know I’ll never look at you and think you’re weak, right?” Neal shrugged in response. “You’re not weak. You’ve only gotten stronger since I met you. Having one instance in which you panicked every now and then is okay.”

Sighing quietly, Neal said, “If you say so…”

They cuddled as best they could while they were on their way home. Peter was concerned for his husband’s well-being, but Rachel, as far as he knew, was still in Paris. It was a very frightening thought that perhaps she had eyes on them, people who could relay to her where they were and what they were doing. He didn’t like the idea of anyone watching them. He didn’t like the idea that his children and the love of his life were in danger—because only God knows what Rachel was capable of. If she wanted Neal, there was no telling what lengths she’d go to in order to have him back.

Peter startled when Neal smacked his chest. “What was that for?” Peter asked as he stared down at his husband.

“Stop thinking,” he muttered. Peter cracked a smile and stroked Neal’s hair. “Just hold me. Be here with me.”

“Always,” Peter whispered, carding his fingers through Neal’s hair slower than he had been. He rubbed Neal’s scalp gently, soothing the younger man’s nerves almost instantly. Neal liked the affectionate touches and Peter loved giving them to him. “I love you, Neal, very much,” he added quietly. He’d assumed Neal was falling asleep since they’d gotten up early to catch their flight, so he continued his ministrations on Neal’s hair in the hopes of keeping him relaxed enough to perhaps take a nap. “I love you just as much,” Neal whispered, resting his hand on Peter’s thigh and gently squeezing him. He was so grateful for Peter, so grateful to have a man who understood him and his issues or needs.

Peter would always take care of him and he knew that. No matter what, Peter would be there to hold him close and promise him that he was safe. Peter’s words were all Neal needed in order to feel safe and secure in his husband’s arms.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Neal and Peter return home, things aren't very calm to start.

Everyone was excited when Neal and Peter came through the door. Nicky was the very first to greet them, lunging at Neal first and hugging him tightly, then doing the same to Peter. Both men hugged their eager son and laughed a bit, enjoying that he’d missed them so much. It was the longest period of time Neal spent away from his son voluntarily and Nicky wasn’t exactly used to not having his dad around, but he wasn’t as fearful to not be around him anymore as he had been. It also helped that he knew his dad was safe with his poppa—and always would be.

Brie and Joey were also readily waiting for their fathers and both men received them just as happily as they had their oldest son. “Missed you guys so much,” Peter murmured as he held Joey against him and looked at their daughter. “Hope the three of you were good for grandma and grandpa.”

Nicky giggled, his eyes on his father. Something was wrong and Nicky could see that. He didn’t know what it was, but Peter knew—as he always seemed to. As far as Nicky was concerned, his parents hadn’t fought much if at all in the last several days. “We were good,” Nicky assured his poppa. He glanced over his shoulder at his grandparents and they just smiled sweetly at him when he grinned.

Peter set Joey down and took his and Neal’s luggage upstairs into their bedroom, leaving Neal with the kids. “How was he?” Jon teased, knowing because Peter sent him a very brief text that Rachel had been in Paris. He was hoping to distract Neal because Neal apparently had a couple nightmarish daydreams while they were on the plane home. Nicky giggled, knowing what his grandfather was teasingly asking Neal. “Oh, why don’t you go help your poppa, young man?” he said as he chuckled.

Neal smiled when Nicky took off up the stairs to go help Peter. “Everything was great, truthfully.” Jon smiled at him and Hannah left the two alone. She knew Jon wanted to know all of the dirty details because he’d, essentially, been their cheerleader throughout all of this. She didn’t think it was any of his business, but she understood that he was concerned about their son’s sexual life. “Peter was great. Paris was great.”

“Expand upon ‘Peter was great’?”

Smirking, Neal winked and said, “I don’t kiss and tell.”

Jon smirked and let it go at that. As much as he’d love to hear all of the details of what happened while the two were on their vacation, he knew they deserved their privacy as much as he and his own wife do. “How were other aspects of your vacation then?”

“Good,” Neal said softly, exhaling quietly while smiling. He looked a bit shaken up, but Jon knew he was a strong man. Besides, Neal had Peter and they were both very strong men who could complement and assist each other wonderfully. He’d never seen two men work together to get through hardships more fiercely than Neal and Peter. This would end up being another bump in the road that they could overcome in time. “Peter is such a romantic. He’s just incredible,” he breathed. “The dates he took me on, the little excursions we had every now and then… He put his heart into this vacation before it even started.” Jon smiled silently at him before pulling him into a gentle hug.

Neal immediately relaxed into Jon’s arms, arms that were so damn familiar by this point. They filled him with warmth, security, and love—just like Peter’s. Like father, like son. “I’m glad he treated you like his king,” Jon said quietly. “It’s what you deserve and what Peter will always give you.”

“He must’ve learned that from you,” Neal murmured against Jon’s shoulder. “You’re both amazing men.”

Jon kept smiling as he rubbed up and down Neal’s back before squeezing him gently. “He learned how to love when he met you, but I don’t mind taking some credit for that,” he teased. Neal chuckled, returning the gentle squeeze. “How’re you doing, son? Is everything all right?”

“Between Peter and I? Things are fantastic.” Neal closed his eyes and allowed himself to simply rest against the older man, knowing he was completely safe in his arms. If he wasn’t in Peter’s arms, he’d gladly put himself right into Jon’s. Both men were so comforting simply in presence and he considered himself immensely lucky to have both of them in his life. “I’m sure he told you that Rachel showed up in France.” Jon was afraid of bringing this up because he wasn’t sure how Neal was going to react. He didn’t want to hurt the younger man, but he didn’t want to ignore the possibility that Neal was losing control of himself. He cares too much about Neal to let him keep things to himself if he felt like opening up. “I’m all right. I’m just…afraid, but I know I’m safe here—with all of you and Peter.”

Kissing his son-in-law’s neck gently, Jon said, “Don’t be scared. Peter and I will protect you.”

“I know,” Neal whispered as Peter and Nicky were heading down the stairway after leaving all of the luggage in the bedroom. Peter and Neal would unpack it all later—tomorrow morning at the latest. “You and Peter are my heroes.” Peter stopped on the stairs and listened to his husband and father talk quietly as they held onto each other. He always appreciated that his father treated Neal so wonderfully… “I wouldn’t be here if not for my family.”

Peter quietly went down the remaining stairs with his son in tow and waited patiently for Neal and Jon to finish their conversation before Neal finally pulled back to smile at the older man with tears in his eyes. That was when he realized his husband had come back. Upon seeing the tears in Neal’s eyes, Peter’s arms instinctively opened for Neal and Neal sank right into them, holding the man he loved more than life itself.

Despite the turmoil and fear inside of Neal, he did feel safe in his own home with the people he loves who love him dearly. If he were anywhere else with anyone else, he surely wouldn’t feel the way he does right now. No one could ever protect him and love him the way he deserves now that he’d found his eternal family. He wasn’t kidding when he said there could be no other now that he and Peter had found love together. Albeit they’d been together for several years despite Neal’s memory loss, but Neal didn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with any other man.

No matter how loving, caring, and supportive a man could be, no one could replace Peter. Peter Michael Burke is absolutely irreplaceable…

•◊•

Neal was in the kitchen cooking dinner while Peter was playing with their children in the living room. He’d offered to cook because he needed to do something by himself for a little while. He was lost in his thoughts, but cooking was moderately capable of distracting him. The only reason he hadn’t opted to play with their children instead was that he was afraid of snapping while around them and the very last thing he wanted to do was frighten the twins.

It wasn’t that he thought he was unstable or about to blow up over something ridiculous. He was afraid of the memories and feelings looming over him. Rachel and all of the men and women he’d encountered while he was in the brothel were beginning to get to him, to make his skin feel like it was crawling. Being around his children right now wasn’t the best idea and he didn’t think it was in their best interest even though he would’ve loved to play with them.

He could feel Rachel’s hands on him, her fingernails scraping across his chest and sometimes up and down his back. She’d used a strap-on with him a couple times, claiming that she wanted him to get used to being taken by a man. He’d trusted her then, but he knew now that she was preparing him and essentially training him to become her sex slave, her main source of income because he could provide sexual entertainment for her friends and acquaintances.

Shuddering, he forced himself to stop thinking in that direction. Having sex with all of those people hurt in more ways than one, but he needed to keep himself level and he did so by reminding himself that he’d been with Peter lately, that he and Peter had been intimate and that he’d enjoyed every moment of it.

But still, thoughts of all of the other people he’d fucked kept plaguing him. He felt used, dirty… He felt like he was unfaithful to his husband. Despite the fact that he hadn’t known about having a husband at the time, he felt guilty about being unknowingly unfaithful to a man who is so devoted to him.

Closing his eyes as tears began to slide slowly down his face, he thought about how his life had changed considerably since Peter pulled him into his arms from off of the floor in a brothel. But then he wondered why Peter wanted him, knowing full well that he hadn’t been pure in the time he’d been separated from Peter.

When arms wrapped around him, his heart leapt up into his throat and he began to sob and thrash around without opening his eyes. He could feel men holding him in place as he begged Rachel to make them stop. He hadn’t considered it rape because he hadn’t been allowed to think of it as anything other than consensual to start, but he knew they’d all forcibly raped him. Rachel would observe and smile wickedly as she watched them take him time and time again. He found himself staring into her eyes, seeing the wickedness firsthand and it terrified him. She’d claimed to love him, yet she’d allowed those men and women to abuse his body in many ways.

Who’s to say Peter would never grow tired of him and want to do the same thing, use his body for entertainment and profit?

“Get away from me!” he screeched. “Stop touching me!” He could hear his name and, to him, it sounded like someone was moaning, dragging out his name. Except it wasn’t his name. _Whore._ He was a whore, felt like a whore, and realized that all he’d ever be was a whore.

“Neal,” a voice pleaded, breaking through his panic. “Neal, it’s me. It’s Peter. Calm down.”

Even as Neal’s eyes opened, he couldn’t regain any sense of control over himself. Whatever he was experiencing, he realized it must’ve been how he would’ve reacted in the past. He didn’t feel like he was himself, but then again he hadn’t felt like himself since he’d woken up without his memories. Perhaps this was the closest he’d ever feel to himself…

“Peter, get him away from the stove,” a voice called out.

Neal could feel himself being pulled along and he fought harder to get away from whoever was holding him. Subconsciously, he knew it was his husband, but whatever was at the forefront of his mind in that moment kept him from believing that. “Neal, sweetheart, please. Please relax.”

Struggling harder, he realized eventually that he was being lowered and that terrified him more. What he was seeing was fuzzy at best, but he could see at least three people around him. Two were close and one was a bit of a distance from him—all male. “Let go!” he cried, afraid of what these men were going to do to him. He’d just gotten things straight with Peter and they’d allowed themselves to return to a relationship they hadn’t been certain they could maintain, but these men wanted him to return to the life he’d been forced to live before he’d been rescued. “ _Please!_ ” he begged.

The arms around him weren’t restricting him in the ways that he was used to. In fact, he was beginning to recognize the difference. He wasn’t being restrained. He was being comforted and protected. The arms around him weren’t crushing him or forcing him to stay put. They were keeping him safe from harm, essentially preventing him from thrashing about to the point where he hurt himself in some fashion.

“Neal, it’s okay,” the voice of the man closest to him said soothingly. Neal could hear the underlying pain and concern in the man’s voice and he began to blink rapidly in the hopes of seeing who he knew was there all along.

Peter held Neal in his arms on the floor, watching his husband’s chest heave as he eventually curled up against his body. It was then that Peter realized Neal snapped himself out of whatever was going on within his own mind and opened himself up to reality. “Peter,” Neal whispered breathlessly, clutching the front of his husband’s t-shirt. “Peter…”

Hushing his husband gently, he murmured, “I’ve got you. I’m here.” Stroking along his husband’s back, he whispered, “I’ll keep you safe. Nobody can ever touch you like that again.”

Jon glanced beyond the two on the floor and realized that his grandson had been watching the entire scene as it unfolded before them. “Nicky boy, come with me,” he said quietly as he crossed the kitchen and gently clutched his grandson’s shoulder, guiding him away from his fathers. He would let Peter handle whatever was going on with Neal because Peter knew how to handle it better, but he’d take care of his grandchildren as the two of them calmed down. That was what family was for, supporting each other. Even though he knew he wasn’t as equipped with knowledge and experience as Peter, he wished he could help Neal, but he’d settle for keeping his grandchildren away from the two in the kitchen until they were ready to come out and perhaps discuss what happened in the barest of details if only to clear up the situation and calm the teenager down.

“Neal, can you talk to me, honey?”

Neal nodded and buried his face against Peter’s chest, breathing shakily. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for acting that way…”

Again, hushing his husband, he whispered, “I’ve got you. I’m here,” along with, “Don’t be sorry. You know I’ll never leave you to deal with anything alone.”

Neal shut his eyes and nuzzled his face against Peter’s chest, pressing gentle kisses over the area in which he knew Peter’s scar was. “I was thinking about _them._ ” Peter wasn’t sure which ‘them’ was being referred to in this instance. Rachel and the brothel bastards or Vincent and Craig? “She… She’d just…watch. She would watch them touch me, rape me.” That clarified things very quickly and Peter was grateful that he didn’t have to ask. “You wrapped your arms around me and…and…” Swallowing hard, he solemnly said, “I thought you were going to rape me.”

Peter held the younger man close, gently rocking them from side to side, cradling his husband like a child—even though he had to keep in mind that Neal is _not_ a child. “I’d never do that to you,” Peter said sincerely. “Never.” He kissed Neal’s hair and hummed quietly, hopefully doing something to soothe his husband’s nerves. Fortunately, it seemed like that was the case. Neal was relaxing against Peter, allowing himself to relax rather than quiver in fear against somebody he had no reason to be afraid of. “You’re home with me, my parents, and our little ones. You’re completely safe here, honey.”

By the time Neal had absolutely settled down, Peter was helping him with dinner. Neal felt bad because he’d wanted to do it himself, but Peter reassured him that he didn’t mind helping. “Did I react the way I used to?” Peter glanced at him warily and gave him the slightest nod, seeming a bit tentative to respond. “Can I ask how you can be so…patient and understanding? I didn’t like the way I was feeling or thinking, but you just…took care of me so instantaneously.”

“Love does wonders for me,” Peter whispered. “I love you more than my own life. Getting you through your own personal hell has always been my goal, Neal. If I can get you past the nightmares and horrors of your past, I can bring you back to your present day where everything is okay.” Reaching over, he gently intertwined his fingers with Neal’s, squeezing lightly. “You’re the love of my life. I can’t imagine myself allowing you to suffer by choice.” Carefully tugging Neal closer, he kissed his husband’s lips briefly. “I’m patient with you because I know none of these feelings and fears are your fault. You didn’t ask to be raped, to be treated like anything less than a human being.”

Blushing slightly, Neal moved even closer to the older man. He felt so safe and protected with his husband. “Why don’t you look at me in disgust?” he asked innocently, looking up into Peter’s eyes. “I look at myself in the mirror and I’m just…”

Peter kissed him passionately this time, turning his body in order to wrap his other arm around Neal’s torso. He didn’t answer him with words for quite some time, instead choosing to kiss him as sweetly and lovingly as he could, proving his point without saying anything at all.

The two were completely lost in themselves in that moment and Neal was grateful for his husband’s passion and attention. Even as he was completely breathless upon separating from his husband, he stared up at Peter with wide-eyes and parted lips. “You’re so beautiful to me,” Peter whispered fiercely. “I can never look at or think about you and consider ‘disgusting’ as an accurate description.” Shaking his head, he muttered, “No. Never.”

Neal lifted his left hand to caress the side of Peter’s face, smiling softly and appreciatively at him. “Thank you for being my one true love,” Neal said without thinking about it. He meant every word. “You’ve been so…amazing. I can’t thank you enough.”

Rubbing Neal’s lower back, Peter whispered, “You thank me by staying, by being my lover.” He returned Neal’s smile and leaned into Neal’s palm. “That means more to me than any other kind of ‘thank you,’ especially the verbal kind.”

The younger man slid his hand out of Peter’s and proceeded to wrap his arms around the older man, kissing Peter’s neck as he held him. “I love you so much. I couldn’t dream of being anywhere else right now. I couldn’t be this happy if I weren’t with you,” he whispered. Again, words he meant but hadn’t thought a whole lot about. He liked that he could say things and mean them. Falling in love with Peter was the best thing that’s ever happened to him—having his children aside anyway. Having a family was truly the most wonderful thing to have ever happened to him and he was so grateful to have three children who love him dearly as well as a husband who’d never leave him to fend for himself.

•◊•

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Neal nodded, focusing on his son who was lying in bed beside him. While Peter was in the bathroom shaving his non-existent beard, Nicky had come into his fathers’ bedroom. Concern washed off of the teenager and Neal felt bad for worrying his son so terribly. “Would you tell me if you weren’t?”

Sighing, Neal whispered to his son, “You’re my son, Nicky.”

Petulantly, the teenager said, “So? You’re my dad. I have a right to worry about you.”

“It’s not your job to.”

“So does that mean you’re lying to me? You’re not really okay, but you want me to believe that you are and pretend that everything’s just fine?” The accusation in his voice made Neal cringe. He wasn’t trying to lie to his son. He was fine now and resolved that earlier had been a lapse in his clarity. Peter helped him through it and he was now on the better side of things. Before he had the chance to respond, Nicky continued. “You know, I may be your son, but I’m almost an adult. I’m almost sixteen. You should be able to trust me.”

Neal’s eyes were filled with pain as he said, “It’s not a matter of me not trusting you enough to want to tell you about what’s going on.” Nicky glared at his father and Neal stammered, “You’re my baby boy. You shouldn’t be worrying about me, okay? Poppa and I are working through my issues together—as a team like we always do.”

Nicky sat up and Neal’s eyes followed his movements. He could see the frustration and aggravation in the teenager, but he didn’t understand it. “You always treat me like a child!” he growled at Neal, getting off of his fathers’ bed. “I’m almost sixteen. I’m not a little kid anymore. You don’t have to baby me.” Neal’s mouth opened to say something, but Nicky cut him off. “You aren’t even my dad. You don’t know how to baby me or treat me like an adult. All you know how to do is let poppa baby you because you don’t remember anything. You—”

Rage welled up inside of Neal then. “Don’t you _dare_ speak to me like that,” he snapped, sitting up straighter. “I am your _father._ You _will_ respect me.” Even though he was angry, he could feel himself breaking apart as well. Why was Nicky talking to him like this? Why was Nicky making him feel like he wasn’t being a good father? This wasn’t the Nicky he loved and cherished, the Nicky he was beginning to remember.

“Respect you? Why should I when you clearly don’t respect me?”

“There is a _major_ difference between respecting you and obliterating our father and son relationship. I’m not supposed to treat you like my best friend and tell you my every thought, Nicolas.” The fight that ensued made Peter rush out of the bathroom. As he was about to interject and try to come between them, Neal growled at him and snapped, “Stay out of this, Peter!”

Nicky was slightly intimidated by the fact that he’d made his father so angry. He wasn’t used to Neal being angry around him. “You always let him take over things for you. Why are you stopping him now?” the teenager said without thinking.

Neal’s jaw set firmly as he seethed across the room. “You’re right, Nick. I’m _not_ your dad. I don’t know how to treat you like my son. I’ve done a very poor job at being your dad since you seem to have forgotten.” He stepped closer to Nicky and frightened the teenager as he snarled, “I’m _not_ your dad, but I _am_ your _father._ I don’t give a damn if you think I don’t respect you. I do. I respect you and love you so damn much, Nicolas, but you are not my friend nor am I yours. You’re not my husband either. You’re my son, my baby.” Nicky’s lips trembled slightly and Peter didn’t know what to do to help them both settle down. “I can stand up for myself and I sure as hell am not going to let you bully me. If you don’t like the fact that I’m being your _father,_ then—”

“Stop before you say something you’ll regret,” Peter whispered to him, hoping he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries in this case. Whatever was going on between them wasn’t _Nicky and Neal._ Neal, before, could’ve handled this confrontation without an issue. This was just out of Neal’s realm of things to cope with right now. Peter didn’t think he could stand by and listen to them fight when Neal wasn’t entirely sure how to go about this the right way, the way he normally would’ve.

“Go to your room,” Neal said, his voice icy. He knew he needed to talk to Peter about this. He didn’t understand why he was so angry with Nicky.

As Neal was turning away from Nicky, Nicky leapt at him and hugged him tightly, sobbing against him. “I’m so sorry, daddy.” Neal’s eyes widened and the anger seemed as though it’d drained out of him instantly. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t…” Neal met Peter’s gaze and he could see how confused Peter was as well. Peter hadn’t been there for the beginning of their conversation, but he was trying to understand what set the two off. “I love you so much. I didn’t mean any of it. Please… Please believe me.”

Neal’s arms wound around the teenager and he held him close, his brows furrowed. “It’s all right.” He rubbed Nicky’s back and said, “I love you, too, Nicky. Just… Just calm down, okay?” Nicky breathed heavily against his father, hoping and praying for whatever reason that Neal wouldn’t leave him. He didn’t know what his father was capable of right now, but he knew now that Neal’s love and compassion was still there. “I’m sorry for yelling at you,” he apologized sincerely. “I don’t know what came over me, but you didn’t deserve to be yelled at.”

“I feel like I’m taking advantage of you,” Nicky whispered, confusing both of the men in the room. “You’re my daddy and I know that… I’m sorry for saying that you aren’t…”

Swallowing hard, Neal said, “Sometimes, I don’t feel like I’m doing my job… Nick, you need to understand that I don’t tell you everything for many reasons—one of which being that I’m trying to protect you, kiddo. You’re my son and it’s my job as your daddy to keep you safe.”

Nicky nodded against him and pulled away to look up at him, his eyes pleading with Neal. “I don’t want you to not love me anymore.”

Brows still furrowed, Neal whispered, “Why do you think I suddenly won’t love you anymore?”

“I’m afraid of losing you,” Nicky admitted. “I know you lost your memory, but I thought I’d never get you back. After watching you in the kitchen, I’m scared that the person you were before is starting to come back.” Taking Neal’s hands in his, he shut his eyes tightly and whispered, “I don’t want you to suffer, daddy. You were getting better because you didn’t know everything. I don’t want you to have nightmares or panic attacks anymore. I like that you’re happier.”

Peter silently observed the two, wishing he’d taken Nicky aside to talk to him about these things before he’d had the chance to take out his frustrations on Neal. “I’m happier because of you, because of poppa.” He squeezed Nicky’s hands before meeting Peter’s eyes for a moment, refocusing on Nicky in the next. “You guys are my family. You make me happy and you make me feel loved.” He gave his son a small smile and said, “You’re my baby boy. I can’t stop loving you. You’re my flesh and blood, my little guy.”

Needless to say, Nicky’s concern for his father kept him in his fathers’ room that night. Neal laid between his husband and son, spooning his son as he was spooned by his husband. Nicky was holding his hand while he slept and Peter’s hand was rubbing Neal’s chest and stomach occasionally. “Are you okay?” Peter whispered near Neal’s ear after almost twenty minutes of complete silence in the room.

“Yeah,” Neal whispered in response.

Peter shifted a bit and kissed the side of Neal’s face, smiling when Neal looked at him. His heart pounded in his chest when Neal returned the smile and arched up enough to receive a gentle kiss. “I love you—and he loves you, too. Don’t tell yourself that you’re a bad father or any of that crap, okay?” Rubbing Neal’s belly as if Neal were a pregnant mother, he whispered, “All three of our babies love their daddy. Nicky’s just getting older and seeking more independence. It’ll be okay in the end though. I promise.”

“I know he loves me. I just don’t understand why he would ever think I could stop loving him. He’s my son, Peter—my biological son. Don’t get me wrong, I love the twins with all of my heart, but…Nicky? Nicky thought it was actually possible for me to not love him anymore?”

“He’s just confused,” Peter murmured. “He’s trying to get through this as much as we are and we can only help him if he allows us to.” Neal nodded, his eyes focused on Peter. “We’ll…talk to him eventually,” he settled on. “I’m worried about him and I can see it in your eyes, too, sweetheart.” Neal nodded, lowering his gaze for a moment before meeting Peter’s eyes again. Peter just smiled sadly at him and squeezed his body closer. “I love you both and I don’t want anything to happen to either of you. We’ll get through this—as family.”

Neal nodded again and carefully slipped his hand out of Nicky’s, allowing himself to turn over so he could lay chest to chest with Peter. He rubbed over Peter’s t-shirt and shifted his leg, hiking it over Peter’s hip. Peter pulled Neal’s leg closer until their bodies were pressed together. “I hope we can help him,” Neal said sincerely. “I want to help him through this, but I… I don’t know how to, honestly. I don’t know how to help my son.”

Peter hushed him gently, pecking his lips for a moment. “It’ll be all right. You and Nicky were the first true loves of my life,” he said softly. “I’m going to help you both. I know you can help him, too. Just being here and showing him that you love him will be enough, I think. He’s so afraid of you not loving him anymore, so…show him that you love him as much as you can while being completely genuine about it.”

“How did I marry such a wise man?”

Rolling his eyes, Peter muttered, “You married a man who loves you and our children beyond comprehension. It’s not really a matter of being wise. I just want you two to be happy again.” He reached over Neal and gently rubbed Nicky’s arm, sighing quietly. “You two will be okay. I promise, Neal.” Neal snuggled closer to the older man and loved the fact that Peter held him as tightly as he could without hurting him.

Neal knew they’d all be all right in the end. He hoped to God that he wouldn’t have more panic attacks in the coming future, but he was grateful to know that Peter was willing to be there for him even if he did. More importantly in his mind though, he wanted to make sure Nicky felt loved. He felt terrible because he felt as though he hadn’t done anything right, anything that he’d done before as a good father, but he knew Peter would help him with that, too. Peter was right. They’d be okay because they all have each other. Panic attacks and feeling like there was a lack of love between all of them couldn’t stand a chance against the true love they had for each other as a family.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal have a few tender moments throughout the day.

Neal woke up to an empty bed the Monday morning following their return home and he sighed quietly. Peter had to go back to work and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like not having Peter in bed beside him. He just didn’t like waking up alone. Turning over to lay on his back, he glanced at Peter’s pillow and smiled slightly upon seeing the note his husband left for him. He twisted onto his side and grabbed the note gingerly, grinning when he saw his name written beside a heart Peter had drawn.

As he opened it, he read the sweet words the older man left for him. _Good morning, my sweet and very beautiful man. Hopefully I didn’t wake you when I got out of our bed this morning… I’ll be home by five tonight, honey. Please text me or email me when you get up. I can’t wait to hear from you. I love you, my darling, so very much._

His heart warmed and he felt like a teenage girl as he laid on his back and held the note against his chest while he smiled. He, Peter’s parents, and the twins were the only ones in the house since Peter woke himself up and took Nicky to school before going to work. Fortunately, the twins weren’t up just yet.

Reaching over to grab his phone off of his nightstand, he sent Peter a text: “Good morning, my love.”

After a few minutes, he received a message from his husband. “ _Good morning, my angel. Can I call you or would you prefer to go back to sleep?_ ” Smirking, Neal initiated a call with the older man. The second Peter answered, he murmured, “ _I’ll take that as a yes._ ”

Chuckling, Neal said, “I wanted to hear your voice.”

“ _Hearing yours is music to my ears…_ ” Neal smiled into the silence and Peter asked, “ _How did you sleep? You kept tossing and turning last night._ ”

Neal wasn’t going to let that dampen his mood though. He wanted to be happy and to keep Peter happy. He had no intention of lying to his husband about what was going on, however. “I was having nightmares throughout the night. I know you kept pulling my against you and that helped considerably, so thank you.”

“ _I had a feeling it was nightmares and I know being close to my body helps you feel better, so I’m glad that still works._ ”

The younger man rubbed over his engagement and wedding rings as he whispered, “I love you, Peter. Sometimes, I know I don’t deserve you. You do all of these amazingly sweet things for me even when I’m sleeping.” He smiled and closed his eyes, wishing he could have Peter home and in bed with him right now. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life all the time. You’re the best husband a man could ask for.”

Laughing lightly, Peter sighed contentedly. “ _I love you, too, darling, very much. You know I’d do anything for you._ ”

Neal knew that better than anything. Peter has always done whatever he could whenever he could. “I know,” he whispered to his husband. Glancing at one of the picture frames on his nightstand, he asked, “How was Nick this morning?”

“ _He’s getting a little better, I think. Do you think the two of us could go out for lunch today? I need to talk to you about some things._ ”

The younger man nodded even though he knew Peter couldn’t see him in that moment. “Yeah. Definitely. Is everything okay?”

Peter murmured an affirmative. “ _Don’t worry, honey. It’s also just an excuse to see your lovely self._ ” Neal smiled, relaxing. He already missed his husband. After spending two weeks with him alone—no work, no family, nothing to distract them—he wanted nothing more than to be with Peter. He’d grown very attached to the older man. “ _I’ll pick Nicky up from school around two, then I’ll drop him off and pick you up to take you out to lunch. Does that sound okay?_ ”

“That sounds absolutely perfect.”

The older man laughed lightly and Neal could imagine his smile. Peter had a very sweet laugh and a beautiful smile. “ _Okay, honey. As much as I love talking to you, I have to work on some things._ ”

“Of course,” Neal said, completely understanding that he needed to let his husband work. While they were planning on discussing things over lunch, he figured he could bring that up. When could he attempt to find himself a job? He wouldn’t ask right now, but it was something he was seriously thinking about because he wanted to be responsible for himself and his family like Peter is. “I love you. Have a good day.”

“ _I love you, too, Neal. Try to relax today if you can. Text me or email me if you need me and I promise I’ll get back to you as soon as I humanly can. Otherwise, I’ll see you when I pick you up in a few hours. _” He made the sound of a kiss and Neal couldn’t help blushing as he did it in return. He thought Peter was extremely sweet and, despite being at work, adorable.__

The second they hung up their phone call, Neal was laughing quietly to himself. He felt so lucky to have Peter in his life, to have Peter as his husband. If he didn’t have Peter, he didn’t know where he’d be. Part of his memories that came back via dreams or nightmares had him imagining that he wouldn’t be alive right now if not for Peter. He didn’t know how true that was, but he didn’t want to find out.

Sliding out of bed, he dressed himself and headed downstairs for breakfast with Hannah and Jon. “Good morning, sweetie,” Hannah said as soon as Neal came into the kitchen. “How’d you sleep?”

“Good morning,” he said as he went to the refrigerator and opened it to get himself a glass of orange juice. “I slept all right. How about you?” Jon snickered near the opposite counter and Hannah smacked him playfully, eliciting a smile out of Neal. “That good?”

“Your father is being perverse this morning. Don’t mind him.”

Neal grinned at her and Jon chuckled. “Oh, Han… We know he’s getting some action himself.” The blush that crept across Neal’s face made Jon laugh loudly. He loved teasing Neal and it was nice to see him smiling and embarrassed about bedroom activities. He knows that Neal loves Peter wholeheartedly. Neal just doesn’t like sharing his experience with Peter with anyone else. “If Peter’s half as passionate as I am, I’m proud of him.”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal challenged, “How do we determine how passionate he is?”

Rising to the challenge, Jon asked, “How many times does he kiss you and tell you he loves you?”

“As many times as he can before he’s breathless—after that even,” Neal answered almost immediately.

Jon smirked, nodding. “How deep does he go?”

“Jonathan!” Hannah exclaimed incredulously, blushing furiously. She was expecting this to be a joke between Jon and Neal, not an actual debate to see whether or not father or son was more passionate.

“I’d describe it, but I’m afraid of upsetting mom.” Jon laughed and that’s when Neal whispered, “He may as well be diving for the core of the earth.” Jon froze with a huge grin on his face when Neal added, “You ever go balls-deep? Peter does it _all_ the time.”

Peter’s father was quite the child as he burst into laughter. Hannah just shook her head and muttered, “Boys…” as she returned to making breakfast.

The remainder of breakfast was quiet and Jon was still in good spirits. Neal didn’t know how their conversation had come to an end. Based on what he’d said and Jon’s lack of response, he assumed Peter was more passionate than his father. He wasn’t going to ask because Hannah looked content with the lack of conversation.

As Neal washed his plate in the kitchen sink a short while later, Jon came in and stood behind him, murmuring, “My boy knows how to make love to his man.” Neal’s face heated up and he glanced over his shoulder to see a gentle smile on Jon’s face. “Let me ask you something serious that I’ve, honestly, been slightly curious about. Does it hurt you?”

Neal shook his head and said, “Not really. I’m used to him and feeling him inside of me by this point.” He didn’t mind sharing this with Jon. Jon wasn’t going to use this information against him or harm him in some way, shape, or form. “Peter’s gentle with me. I mean, I remember being raped at various points in my life. No amount of pain Peter could ever cause me will ever amount to _that._ ” Rubbing over his wrist, he whispered, “Peter’s a good man.”

Jon looked into Neal’s eyes and asked, “Has he ever purposely hurt you?” Neal gave him a look of confusion and Jon expanded for him. “You suddenly became very nervous. Has he ever hurt you because he wanted to?” He was actually curious because he believes he knows his own son, but he wasn’t present during Neal and Peter’s intimate moments. He hoped Neal was being treated right by Peter even though he didn’t have any reason to believe Peter would abuse the man he loves, the man he falls apart without.

“No,” Neal said immediately. “I’ve asked him to hurt me at times and he’s been reluctant to do so, but he’s never done anything to me that I didn’t want.” Jon nodded, wondering how much Peter hurt Neal in those moments. It was the first time he’d truly questioned his son’s intentions with Neal. Up to this point, he believed Peter was a wonderful man, that Neal and Peter were lucky to have found each other. “He’s so sweet to me, dad. I only asked him to hurt me because I wanted him to go beyond his limits. It wasn’t about actual pain. I just know he holds back.” He released his wrist, feeling more confident about this. “Peter has never hurt me just because he could. He’s never wanted to hurt me. You know he’s good. He’d jump in front of a speeding bullet to protect me.”

Nodding, Jon said, “I know he’s a good man. He was a good boy growing up and I love him for being who he is.” Taking Neal’s hand in his, he whispered, “I hope he’s always good to you. You deserve a good man.”

•◊•

“You okay?” Peter asked after several minutes of silence had passed between him and his husband after they’d gotten a table at a nearby diner. Neal had been far too quiet after conversing with Nicky when Peter brought him home from school. The fact that Neal startled worried Peter. “Honey, what is it?”

“Something your dad said to me earlier,” Neal whispered.

Peter reached out tentatively and touched his husband’s hand, curling his fingers over Neal’s gently. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m sure he’s getting somewhat senile by this point, so—”

Staring into Peter’s eyes directly, Neal asked, “Have you ever, at any point during our relationship, _wanted_ to hurt me? Don’t lie to me. I honestly want to know.”

The older man looked so taken aback by the question and it hurt that Neal had to ask it. “I’ll admit that there have been moments in which I wanted to slap you or something because you said something ridiculous to me, but I would never act on it,” he said sincerely. “I love you and respect you. Hurting you in any fashion would shatter the trust and love we’ve built up together.” Taking both of Neal’s hands in his own, he whispered, “Do you feel like I’m going to cause you pain? Do you think I want to hurt you?”

Neal shook his head and blinked back tears as he averted his gaze to the table and then to the floor. “No. I just…”

“Look at me,” Peter whispered softly, smiling when Neal did as he’d asked. “Talk to me while looking at me. You have no reason to feel guilty or embarrassed or _anything._ The wonderful thing about being married is that you can trust me to listen to your every thought and I will never judge you for it.”

Sighing heavily, Neal asked him, “Have you ever been hurt by someone you trusted, someone you thought you loved?” Peter shook his head, furrowing his brows at the younger man as he listened to him. “I’m starting to remember things that happened while I was young, things my mother and stepfather put me through. I know the only time you actually hurt me was when we were on a case, but… Have you ever felt like doing that to me since?”

Peter shook his head and sincerely whispered, “Not once have I thought about doing that to you. It’s been in my nightmares and I remember being so afraid that I’d actually killed you.” He lifted Neal’s hands and kissed his knuckles, adding, “I love you with all of my being. I can’t imagine wanting to cause you pain or see you beaten in such a way.” Brief flashes of the horrors he’d faced when he’d found Neal in the warehouse and farmhouse invaded his mind. He remembered seeing Neal bloody, beaten, and practically broken by the abuse he’d been put through and Peter never wanted to see him look that way again. Cringing, he added, “You mean so much to me. If I ever did anything to cause you that kind of pain of my own free will, I don’t think I could ever allow myself to say I’m your husband ever again.” Neal gaped at Peter with tears in his eyes and Peter was quick to defend himself. “I could never tell you I love you and know that you believe me if I abused you. I couldn’t live with you or myself if I ever did something so terrible. I admittedly wanted to leave after I hurt you for our case a few years ago.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Neal whispered brokenly. “I wouldn’t be right here, safe and sound, if you’d left me then.” Peter doubted that Neal would have been taken again had he left then, but he didn’t know that for certain. “You found me and saved me. You brought me home to my family.”

Peter nodded silently, thinking things through before finally speaking again. “I can’t imagine myself purposely hurting someone as beautiful and kind as you.” Neal scooted closer to Peter and Peter wrapped his arm around Neal’s waist, leaning slightly to kiss his cheek. “Don’t ever worry, okay? You’ll always be safe when you’re with me.”

They relaxed after ordering their lunches and ate in companionable silence before Neal finally spoke up. “You said you had some things you wanted to talk to me about earlier.”

“Oh. Yeah, I do,” Peter murmured as he wiped his face off. Neal waited patiently, his eyes focused on the older man. “Okay. First things first, I spoke with Nicky this morning while I was taking him to school.” Neal nodded and, again, waited patiently. “He told me he loves you very much and he feels bad about what happened between you two a few nights ago.” Rubbing Neal’s left thigh, he whispered, “He wanted me to ask you if you felt…differently towards him.”

“Different how?”

Peter sighed. “Do you still love him like your son? He’s only wondering because he doesn’t know how the panic attacks or flashbacks will affect you now.”

“I love him as much as I always have,” Neal said fiercely. “Nothing that happens to me mentally or physically can change the way I love my baby.”

“Don’t get upset,” Peter pleaded quietly. “It was just a question and I’m glad you said that because that’s exactly what I told him this morning.” Neal visibly relaxed and Peter smiled at him. “He’s fine now and I tried my damnedest to assure him that you don’t hold what he said against him. He knows you’re his dad no matter what.”

Neal nodded again. “I can’t imagine not loving him. He’s part of me.” Laughing lightly, he whispered, “The second you introduced me to him—the second I saw him in person—I knew I loved him and that I’d always love him.” Peter kept smiling, loving that his husband could feel that way despite what happened. “He’s okay now then? He understands that I keep things to myself because I’m his dad?”

“Yes,” Peter assured him. “I spoke to him about that, too, and he started challenging me, but I made sure to clarify that there’s a difference between the parents worrying about their children and the children worrying about their parents. I think he now understands that there are some things you won’t talk to him about.” Pausing for a moment, he looked hesitant. “I know you two were really close before everything happened, but you can still be close to him.”

“I’m working on not being his best friend.” Peter knew Neal was trying very hard and things seemed to change a bit, which Peter was grateful for.

“And I think you’re doing wonderfully so far,” Peter admitted. Rubbing his thumb over Neal’s hand, he felt extremely nervous now. He knew Neal could sense it and Neal was trying not to push the issue, whatever it may be. Judging by the look on Peter’s face, it had to be pretty bad.

Neal tried to be as patient as possible because he knew Peter’s always been considerably patient with him, but he was slowly losing that patience. He wanted to know what was bothering his husband so terribly, but Peter seemed like he didn’t want to open up about it. “Okay,” he said abruptly after several minutes. “What’s bothering you, Peter?” Peter continued to remain silent, which was beginning to get on Neal’s nerves even more so than it had before. “Hon, what is it?”

Peter lifted his hand away from Neal’s thigh and took Neal’s hand this time. “We’ve been tracking Rachel,” he whispered. Ever since our run in with her from afar in Paris, I’ve had eyes on her.” Neal didn’t understand what the dilemma was until Peter swallowed hard and looked terrified. “We lost her in Paris. I don’t know where she is right now or what she’s up to, but I… I need to ask you for your permission…”

“Don’t you dare leave me to go after her,” Neal pleaded, turning towards his husband completely. “I can’t lose you to her. I don’t want to lose you to her.”

The older man gently hushed his husband and nodded, lifting his hands to caress Neal’s worried face. “Honey, relax. That’s not what I’m going to ask you.” Neal simmered down and looked confused. “I need your permission to put a security detail on you. If you choose to leave the house, they can take you wherever you want to go—and somebody will be at our house at all times to ensure that nothing happens to my parents or to our twins.” Rubbing his thumbs over Neal’s cheekbones, he whispered, “I can’t bear the thought of her taking you from me again. If I can prevent it from happening, I want to do what I can. And I will personally assign an agent I _trust_ to care for you all when I’m not around. It’ll only be while I’m at work, honey.”

Neal wasn’t entirely sure he had a choice in the matter. Peter cares about him, their children, and his parents very deeply, so he couldn’t imagine Peter not putting a security detail on him even if he declined. He supposed that Peter would be looking into leads and trying to hunt Rachel down as it was, so he figured he could humor his husband and allow this for as long as he had to, simply grinning and bearing it the whole time. “Yeah, that’s fine,” he finally said after a few moments of silence. Peter gave him a gentle smile in response, truly appreciating that he had Neal’s permission. He didn’t want to have to do anything without Neal’s permission, but he’d do whatever it takes to keep his family safe—and Neal was the one he needed to protect right now. Rachel had no fascination with their children as far as he knew, but he’d keep a close eye on Nicky as well. He’d had someone watching the school since Neal’s return as it was…

The rest of their lunch was spent quietly, comfortably. Peter was relieved and Neal was trying to relax as best he could. He wanted to help Peter find Rachel. He didn’t want to sit around and _wait_ for Peter and the FBI to find her. If he could, he’d lure her out for Peter. Even if it were potentially dangerous and harmful to him, he’d do what he could to bring that bitch out so they could end her once and for all.

“Everything okay, honey?” Peter asked as they were cleaning up their food and such at the table.

“Absolutely,” Neal whispered, giving him a small smile.

On their way back to the car, Peter took Neal’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Neal smiled up at him, wishing Peter wouldn’t have to go back to work after dropping him off at home. He wanted to go home with Peter and curl up to him in their bed or on the couch. “I love you, Neal,” Peter said softly when they arrived at the Taurus. Peter slid his free arm around Neal’s waist and pulled him close. The love in his eyes made Neal feel giddy, wanted. “I love you very much.” He tentatively leaned closer to his husband and kissed him tenderly. Their eyes closed and they absorbed each other.

Neal’s right hand lifted and rested on Peter’s chest as he gave himself over to the sensations Peter was giving him. “I love you,” he said breathlessly when they separated. They were close enough that they could breathe against each other. So close to Peter, Neal had butterflies fluttering in his stomach. He opened his eyes briefly to see Peter’s own were still closed, like he was enjoying Neal’s presence without having to see him. The moment Neal closed his eyes again, he slid his hand down Peter’s body and wrapped his arm around Peter’s waist, pulling him close for a hug. “I could never love anyone else the way I love you.”

Mere moments after Neal made that sweet comment, Neal could feel how hard Peter was becoming against him. He smiled to himself, loving that he had that effect on the older man. “If I could take you right here and now, I certainly would,” Peter murmured huskily. “I love when you say things like that… It makes me feel good.” 

“I can think of many ways to make you feel good,” the younger man teased. He opened his eyes and met Peter’s straight on. He could see the lust and hunger in Peter’s beautiful, chocolaty brown eyes. “Have we ever made love in a car before?”

Peter slid his hand down to Neal’s ass and held him closer, whispering, “Once or twice in the past.”

Grinning slyly, Neal asked, “How much time do we have before you’re expected to be back at the FBI?”

“We have plenty of time,” Peter said without giving it any thought. “I’ll park us somewhere private.”

Peter stepped away and pulled his keys out, unlocking the door and opening it to allow his husband to get in first. Neal smiled up at him, appreciating the gentleman and sex-fiend he was looking at. Neal buckled himself in as Peter went around to the driver’s side and Neal actually had to remind him to buckle himself before starting up the car. “Jesus,” Neal whispered in awe as Peter drove them away from their lunch location. “You’re very horny, aren’t you?”

“Sue me for finding my husband extremely attractive,” Peter said, smirking, which elicited a quiet chuckle from the other man. “He’s quite the temptation—a real forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.”

Neal shivered in his seat and felt the words go straight to his own groin—as if everything else thus far hadn’t. “I’m not forbidden though. You can take a bite out of me at any given moment and I’d enjoy it.” He paused for a moment after making his provocative comment. His eyebrow rose as he said, “I thought you told me that you weren’t religious.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “I’m not religious, but you influenced me. I also had religion shoved down my throat for the first several years of my life.”

“I’m gonna shove my religion down your throat,” Neal whispered, uncertain as to whether or not that kind of joke was welcome.

The fact that Peter almost crashed the car then gave Neal an indication that the joke was a very welcome thought. “Don’t do that while I’m driving,” Peter moaned. Neal grinned and decided to reach over and tentatively stroke Peter’s thigh. “Dear God, Neal,” he groaned.

Neal glanced up at Peter’s face and saw how distracted Peter was, figuring it wasn’t good to do that to him while he was driving. “I’ll hold off until you park.”

Before Neal could retract his hand, Peter put his hand over Neal’s and held it in place. He was silent as he drove and Neal kept his eyes on the older man, watching his reaction. Peter was calm, but there was obviously some sexual tension building up inside of him. “Don’t stop touching me,” he whispered.

He gently squeezed Peter’s thigh, murmuring, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Peter focused on his driving, grateful that Neal wasn’t messing with him anymore. He eagerly searched out an empty area he could park in and was thrilled the moment he’d finally found one. Pulling in, putting the car in park and turning it off, he turned to his husband who was slowly beginning to smirk at him and huskily whispered, “I’m gonna show you just how much I love you.” He slid his hand around Neal’s neck and pulled him close, kissing him fiercely, enjoying the moans he elicited out of the younger man even as he began to unbuckle them.

•◊•

Neal glanced up from the twins when the front door opened shortly after five in the evening. Seeing the man come through the door in that moment made him extremely happy, happier than he imagined he could’ve been upon seeing him after only a few hours. “Hello, my love,” he said softly when the other man closed the door and turned to look at him, an inevitable smiling creeping onto his lips.

“My angel,” Peter responded, immediately moving closer to Neal, leaning down enough to peck his lips. Neal grinned up at Peter when Peter pulled away, seeing the contentedness and exhaustion in Peter’s eyes. They’d been very enthusiastic about their _car ride_ earlier and Peter teased Neal, telling him that he was going to have difficulty focusing on what he needed to do at work because Neal was such a splendid, beautiful, enticing distraction. “I missed you.” Getting down onto his knees on the floor with his husband and their little ones, he kissed their foreheads and said, “I missed my Brie baby and Joey boy.” Neal kept grinning, loving this side of Peter. “Where’s my Nicky at?”

“Upstairs doing his homework. I’ve had to distract the little ones because they were bothering him.” Peter nodded, taking a seat on the floor beside Neal. Neal kept his eyes on Peter even as Joey crawled into his lap and bounced on him. Eventually, he turned his attention back to his young son and chuckled. “Whatcha doing, little guy?” he asked animatedly, tickling his son gently.

Peter leaned a little closer to Neal and sighed contentedly. He felt so happy being home with his family. Making love to Neal in the car earlier had been very invigorating, but then he’d dropped Neal off at home before heading back to work. _That_ felt so wrong to do even as husbands, so he’d texted Neal quite a bit throughout the remainder of his time at work. He wanted Neal to be certain that this wasn’t some ‘one night stand’ thing. He loves Neal dearly and a little playtime in the car before immediately dropping him off shouldn’t be considered anything aside from what it always was between them. He just wanted to make sure he hadn’t hurt Neal’s feelings in the whole thing, which he was relieved to find out that Neal was perfectly fine and happy with what they’d done before parting ways for a few hours.

He kissed Neal’s cheek and whispered, “How’re you feeling?”

Neal rolled his eyes, knowing what Peter was doing. “I feel as wonderfully as I did earlier, Peter Michael Burke,” he muttered, turning his head to peck Peter’s lips. “You worry way too much about such simplistic things.” He lifted his left hand and stroked the side of Peter’s face, giving him a small smile “It’s just me and you. Anytime I get alone with you in that way, I enjoy. It was all we could afford to do with the time we were given, but that doesn’t mean it was any less special or important to me.”

Nodding silently, Peter breathed easier as he tried to gather his thoughts. “You’re more than a nice piece of ass to me, Neal.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Neal asked, grinning as he raised his eyebrows. “I’ve found out repeatedly over the last couple of months that I mean more to you than that. I don’t even _think_ you think that.” Joey shifted over into his poppa’s lap and Peter held him, smiling at him. “I know you love me and you told me that quite a bit. Even if we’re only together for about ten minutes, that amount of time still meant a lot to me. We could go ten to fifteen minutes in the car or an hour and a half in bed. It doesn’t make a difference. I know you put your all into it.”

“I put my all into you,” Peter whispered slyly, smirking a moment before Neal smacked his arm playfully.

Peter chuckled and Neal shook his head, rolling his eyes once more. “Way to ruin such a romantic moment when I’m telling you how fantastic every experience is with you.” He sighed and chuckled, returning Peter’s smirk now. “Every time I look at you or hear you speak, I’m very grateful that you’re my husband.”

That meant a lot to Peter. Despite having been married to Neal for several years and with him two years longer than that, hearing Neal say that to him made him very happy. “That’s how I feel every single moment of every day,” he whispered in response, loving the way Neal’s eyes lit up. “I consider myself a very lucky man because I have someone who loves me as much as I love him, someone who’s willing to share a life with me, someone who loves me for who I am.”

Scooting closer to Peter, Neal leaned against him and held his arms out so Brie could rest against him. Peter wrapped his arm around Neal, holding him close. Neal didn’t have anything to say. The physical gesture was enough to tell Peter what he was thinking. He sincerely loves his husband and enjoys being around him, especially in moments like this.

If he hadn’t realized it before now, he now knew that he and Peter would always be together. There was no way in hell that they’d ever separate. After all that they’ve been through as a couple and with the tremendous amount of love they feel towards each other, Neal just _knew_ this was how the remainder of his life would be spent. He believed he had the greatest pleasure in life that anyone could ask for: spending the rest of his life with Peter Michael Burke as his soulmate.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal helps Peter through a little more of his insecurities.

The light of a laptop screen and a warm hand on his back woke Neal out of a deep sleep. He hadn’t yet opened his eyes, but he didn’t need to in order to feel the tension in the man sharing his bed. Peter’s fingers weren’t hurting him in the slightest, but something was wrong. Something was upsetting Peter to the point where Peter couldn’t sleep and he felt insecure about Neal in some way.

Sliding his hand across the sheets until he touched Peter’s leg and startled him, he whispered, “You okay?” He lifted his hand and rested it on Peter’s thigh, rubbing him slowly.

Opening his eyes to peer up at Peter, Peter gave him a sad smile. “Yeah. I’m all right, honey. Go back to sleep.” Neal could see right through that and Peter knew it. Sighing, he shook his head. He knew he couldn’t and shouldn’t even attempt to lie to his husband. Despite having lost his memory, Neal’s smart and he’s beginning to pick up on Peter’s little quirks and tells. “I couldn’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about things that could happen to you if I let my guard down even for a minute.”

Neal pushed himself up a bit and took Peter’s laptop, setting it on the nightstand beside him before curling up against Peter. He was grateful for the fact that Peter wrapped his arms around him and held him close. “You need to rest,” he whispered against Peter. “You can’t lose sleep over me or what you think will happen to me.” He nuzzled his face against Peter’s bare chest and sighed quietly. “If you don’t rest, you’ll get sick. If you get sick, you won’t have the strength you need to protect me.” He glanced up at Peter to see tears welling up in the older man’s eyes. “Don’t cry, my love,” he whispered so softly that it pulled at Peter’s heartstrings. He sat up straighter and hugged Peter tightly. “I’ll be fine. No matter what happens to me, you know I’ll always be yours.”

Peter shoved Neal, but not in an angry or violent way. He threw the blanket back and touched various parts of Neal’s body, proving his point before he said anything. “You see these _marks?_ ” he asked fiercely. Neal nodded silently. “They get _worse_ when I lose you.” He remembered how Neal had very few scars on his body when they’d met. Over the years and after Neal had been abducted and tortured repeatedly, Neal had, unfortunately, acquired more scars than was necessary. “If I lose you again, I don’t know what she’ll do to you. Especially now that you know so much more than you did when you were with her.”

“Peter,” Neal whispered frantically, seeing the fear and agony in Peter’s eyes.

Shaking his head, Peter said, “I _can’t_ let you get hurt again, baby. I can’t let her take you from me, from our children.” His breathing was labored and Neal shifted onto his knees and flipped to straddle Peter. He caressed the sides of Peter’s face and could see how desperately terrified his husband was.

“Look at me,” he whispered, waiting for Peter to make direct eye contact with him. “Look at me, Peter.” When Peter finally looked him in the eye, he forced a smile and leaned forward, pecking Peter’s forehead, nose, and lips. “I’m alive. I’m healthy. I’m safe. And I’m with you.” He pecked Peter’s lips again, repeatedly, trying his damnedest to remind Peter that things were fine for the time being. Neal was trying to remain calm himself, but he was truthfully afraid of what Rachel would do to him. He’d lost his memory because of her. He’d lost his children’s lives, his life with his husband, and his own life because of her. In the past few months, he’d regained quite a bit, but there was no telling how much she would take from him this time around. He just hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

It took quite some time for Neal to help Peter calm down, but he managed to do it without really knowing how. All he wanted to do was help Peter get through this fear. It was a considerably reasonable fear, but Neal didn’t want Peter to suffer physically like he was emotionally. “I’m all right now,” Peter eventually confided in him. “Thank you.” He was holding Neal’s hips, rubbing his thumbs over the bones beneath Neal’s warm skin. He truly appreciated that Neal stuck with him through his own anxiety, but he honestly didn’t expect any less than that from his husband.

Neal kissed him sweetly, longingly, whispering against his lips, “Don’t thank me. You’ve been here for me through so much. You deserve that same kind of dedication.” Peter slid his left hand across Neal’s backside and glided it up the center of his back, rubbing his wedding ring against Neal’s skin. He knew Neal meant what he was saying and that meant a great deal to him. “You’re the love of my life,” Neal said softly with a gentle smile on his face. “Like you would do anything for me, I would do _anything_ for you. Our love goes both ways, Peter Michael.”

In that very moment, all Peter wanted to do was make sweet, passionate love to his husband. He considered himself extremely lucky to have married such a devoted man. The funny thing was, they’ve been together long enough and know each other fairly well—considering Neal’s memory—and so Neal could see the lust in Peter’s eyes, the immense amount of love and desire building up inside of him.

And considering they were both already very naked, neither of them really had any second thoughts about making love. Granted, it was the middle of the night and Peter had to go to work in a few hours… Either way, the things people do when they love someone, right?

Peter laid on his back as Neal slid down his body and tentatively licked and sucked him alternatively. He didn’t have to ask Neal to do it. Neal did what he wanted to do and it was as simple as that. There was no pushing or shoving to do anything. When they were in bed together, Peter’s only stipulation was that Neal always had a way to look at him, that he was never facing away from the older man. It was such an easy rule for Neal and he didn’t really have to think about it because it was what he wanted anyway.

When they finally connected, both men couldn’t get enough of each other. “Neal,” Peter groaned, squeezing his arms tightly around Neal’s waist as Neal breathed heavily against the side of Peter’s neck and pressed frantic kisses against him. Neal’s quiet cries were a bit louder tonight and Peter only assumed it was because of the extremely tight positioning. “Baby boy… Oh, my God…”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Neal said repetitively, encouraging Peter’s thrusts and other movements. He shifted a bit so he could kiss Peter’s lips ferociously, resting his hand on Peter’s shoulders. Peter thrust into him harder and he made complementary sounds that furthered Peter’s arousal considerably. “Fuck,” he hissed when Peter pounded against his prostate. “Yes, Peter. _Yes._ _Peter._ ”

Peter didn’t know what it was exactly, but he desperately wanted Neal to say his name until he screamed it. It’d been a long time since they’d gone quite that far, but he was craving it in this moment. Perhaps, he assumed, he was desperate to know that Neal is alive with him. “Scream my name,” he pleaded breathlessly. “Please, Neal.”

Neal nodded silently, panting heavily as Peter increased his speed. He was trying to contain himself as much as he could, but Peter was very passionate. He was sucking and licking at the sensitive spot behind Neal’s ear and Neal couldn’t help himself. “Peter. Peter. Peter!” He gasped and kept moaning Peter’s name, getting increasingly louder as he orgasmed against his husband. “Holy shit, _Peter!_ ” he growled as Peter orgasmed inside of him, releasing his warmth that Neal loved very much.

Both men laid together, gasping as they tried to regain their breath. Peter stared up at Neal and Neal stared at Peter—and they were both very happy. They panted heavily and their chests heaved, but they panted together and their chests heaved together. It felt almost as if they were breathing as one while they were still connected. It took ‘becoming one’ to another level that they both were able to appreciate.

As Peter was sticking his tongue out to lick away the beads of sweat on Neal’s neck, their bedroom door flew open and startled them both. Peter didn’t even have to think as he quickly shifted Neal onto his side and reached into his nightstand to pull his gun out. He didn’t care who was at the door as long as they knew they weren’t coming any further than they already had. In this instance, Neal’s life was his priority and he’d do whatever it took to protect him given the opportunity.

“Whoa! Peter, it’s just me!” Peter and Neal both froze for a moment, but Peter quickly shoved his gun back into the nightstand drawer and flushed bright red, which Neal could see even in the very dim lighting. Neal quickly adjusted their blanket to cover themselves and Jon could tell just by looking at them that neither of them were in trouble. Raising an eyebrow, Jon met Neal’s gaze and said, “I’m not used to you being so loud. I thought you were in trouble.”

Blushing furiously, Neal murmured, “Sorry, dad. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Jon glanced at his son and watched him take care of Neal. Evidently, they’d just finished making love and Peter had tossed Neal aside quickly in order to protect him. In doing so, he’d gripped Neal’s arm too tightly and was now rubbing the reddened skin. “As long as you boys are fine, don’t apologize.” As soon as Peter glanced at his father, he was met with a wink from the older man and Peter smirked. “Good night, you two.”

“Good night,” the two men in bed said quietly, waiting for him to close the door and leave.

“Oh, Jesus,” Neal whispered. “I didn’t realize or think I was _that_ loud.” Smacking Peter playfully, he asked, “Why didn’t you make me shut up?”

Pecking Neal’s lips, Peter whispered, “Because you’re very rarely loud when we make love. You’ve always been kind of quiet, but you’ve also been a dad since the day I met you, so you know you have other people to take into consideration.” Neal was on the very brink of smacking his husband’s chest, but Peter grabbed his hand, lifted it, and kissed his knuckles one by one. “I like that you’re loud—and I can’t wait for the kids to move out so I can have you and your loud sounds all to myself.”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal asked him, “Do you know how old we’ll be by the time the twins move out?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I refuse to do anything less than give you sexual and emotional satisfaction until the very day that I die. Whether I’m in my fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, or nineties… I _will_ make very sweet, very passionate love to you and you will be louder than hell in our bed.” Neal blushed harder than he had earlier when Peter’s father had been in their room. He liked the way Peter was talking and he was really hopeful that Peter would hold to that because Peter, right now, was fantastic. Not that he’d care if Peter lost his touch, per se, but he definitely wouldn’t mind if they ended up having mind blowing sex until their final days. “I love you. Be as loud as you want. You were pretty loud in Paris.”

Muttering, “We didn’t have the kids in Paris,” Neal made a startled sound when Peter covered his mouth.

Peter was smirking at him and Neal gave him a curious look. “The kids will understand why their daddy and poppa were so loud in bed when they’re older. We only have a certain amount of time together on this planet, in this life, so please do me the honor and pleasure of being as loud as you fucking want to be.”

Neal grinned when Peter let his hand fall away from Neal’s mouth. “Okay,” he said softly.

Lying back against their pillows, Peter held his arms open and waited for Neal to sink into them. “I love you, honey.”

“I love you, too.” Neal curled up against Peter, throwing his right leg over both of the older man’s. Peter smiled as he stared down at his husband. He loved that Neal felt so comfortable with him. It meant a hell of a lot to him even though he knew Neal had no reason to be afraid or uncomfortable. He’d always take care of Neal as best he could because Neal deserved the best in life.

Although there were undoubtedly parts of Neal’s life that really sucked, Peter was grateful to still have him in his life. “Do you ever regret being with me?” Peter whispered to him, rubbing his back. Neal looked up at him then, brows furrowed. “I swear to you that I’m not trying to start a fight with you. It’s just a question.”

Neal pushed himself up and stared directly into Peter’s eyes. “I have _never_ regretted being with you,” he whispered fiercely, sincerely meaning that. “You’re the best husband I could ever ask for. And I know you aren’t messing with me or my mind, Peter. You’ve shown me pictures of my past, pictures that brought _memories_ back.” He shifted to straddle Peter and made Peter stare at him when Peter looked away. “You are worth my time and love, Peter Michael Burke.” Kissing Peter’s forehead, he added, “I can’t imagine myself being this happy anywhere else—or with anyone else. I have a man who loves me and would give his life for me. I have three beautiful children who love me. I have parents who love me as much as they love their own son. What more could I possibly ask for when I have everything I could ever want?”

“Thank you.”

Neal shifted again and nuzzled his face against the side of Peter’s, whispering, “There’s nothing to thank me for. You gave my life back to me.” Peter circled his arms around Neal’s waist and held him close. So softly that Peter barely heard him, Neal whispered, “This is where I belong.”

They held each other close in perfect silence for quite some time after that. Peter believed Neal and he believed that Neal knew what he wanted in his life. If Neal weren’t happy, Peter just hoped Neal knew he had the option to leave without a grudge being held against him. Losing Neal would tear him to shreds, but he wanted Neal to be happy more than anything else in the world. They’d still be a family no matter what happens between them.

“Will you ever leave me?” Peter whispered eventually, at least two hours after Neal had last spoken. He didn’t know if Neal fell asleep or not, but he thought he’d pose the question anyway. If it wasn’t answered, he could always ask again at some other point in their lives.

“Never,” Neal promised him, resting his hand over Peter’s heart. He rubbed his wedding ring against Peter’s skin, a silent gesture that promised Peter he wasn’t going anywhere as well as his words could make that same promise. “I’ll never leave you.”

Tears welled up in Peter’s eyes. He didn’t know how to deal with this amount of emotion, but he was glad Neal was with him, hugging him, touching him.

•◊•

Peter pushed himself up as soon as he woke up. He was trying to keep up his record of not waking Neal when he leaves for work, but he didn’t even have to worry about possibly bothering his husband’s sleep because said husband wasn’t in bed. Instantly in a panic, Peter leapt out of bed and pulled his briefs on before darting out of the bedroom. He wasn’t used to Neal being up before him, so he felt like something was really wrong. “Neal?” he called out as he headed down the stairway and towards the kitchen where he could smell eggs. “Honey?”

Before Peter had the chance to enter the kitchen, Neal’s head poked out from around the corner. “Oh, hi. Good morning, babe.”

“What’re you doing out of bed, hon?”

Neal stepped out of the kitchen and neared his husband, wrapping his arms around him as soon as he was close enough. He nuzzled Peter’s neck and whispered, “You had a rough night. I wanted to make you some breakfast before work.”

Smiling appreciatively at the younger man, Peter sighed contentedly and kissed Neal’s hair. “You’re a good man, my love.” He led Neal back into the kitchen and stood behind Neal with his arms wrapped around the younger man’s waist while Neal worked on breakfast. He really appreciated that Neal woke himself up fairly early to make breakfast because he definitely hadn’t expected it. “Did you sleep all right?”

“Of course,” Neal whispered, resting his left hand over both of Peter’s. “I just worried about you.”

Peter kissed Neal’s ear and whispered, “Don’t worry about me. As long as I have you and our family, I’m perfectly fine.” Neal leaned back against Peter, embracing the warmth Peter spread through him in such a close proximity. Feeling Peter against him made him feel amazing inside. That amazing feeling was beginning to spread to the outside and Peter slid his left hand down Neal’s body tentatively. “Oh,” Peter murmured, pressing a gentle kiss against Neal’s neck before gently nipping at his skin. “Is someone happy to see me?” he teased.

Neal chuckled, grinding himself into the older man’s hand. “Maybe,” he whispered. “Peter…” he whined. “I have to get your breakfast and coffee finished before you go to work.” Peter repetitively nipped at Neal’s neck, tasting his salty, soft skin. He loved tasting his husband’s skin in general, but leaving small marks on Neal’s skin was even more appealing. “Peter…”

“Keep moaning my name like that,” Peter whispered against his husband’s neck, “and I may be inclined to throw you up onto the countertop and take you.” Neal shivered back against Peter, wishing they could go through with that. He didn’t see reason not to aside from the fact that Nicky, Jon, and Hannah would all be awake and downstairs soon. “My dad will probably interrupt us again,” Peter teased.

“We finished by the time he came into the room,” Neal offered, raising an eyebrow.

Peter cupped Neal’s prominent bulge and Neal moaned. “If only I had the heart to torture the hell out of you right here and now.”

Neal panted as Peter began to grind against his ass while rubbing his front. “ _Fuck,_ ” Neal hissed. “I wish you would...”

“Boys, really,” a feminine voice groaned, startling the two men in the kitchen. Neal made things less awkward by turning towards the source of the voice, but both men were still blushing. Hannah smiled at them as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Your father and I heard how excitable you both you were last night. You almost gave the poor man a heart attack.”

The younger man smiled up at his husband and Peter leaned forward to kiss his forehead. “Need to make my king feel good,” Peter whispered near his ear a moment later, pressing gentle kisses behind his ear against the sensitive spot on his skin. He knew what it did to Neal and he didn’t particularly want his mother to witness Neal coming undone that way. It was something he wanted to experience for himself, so he didn’t spend much time exploiting one of his husband’s sensitive spots.

Neal shivered, shifting himself closer to Peter so Peter could wrap his arms around him. He felt so warm and loved against his husband—warm, loved, and happy. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, angel.”

Hannah stood against one of the countertops as she watched the two men. Neal was finishing up with the eggs and Peter was taking care of the coffee. She’d always known the two of them were a good team. They’d worked well together for the FBI, but they worked through everything together as a couple. She’d seen them overcome great things together and was very proud of them. She was especially proud of her son for taking care of his husband the way a man who loves his spouse would after Neal lost his memory.

As she watched them now, she could see just how much they love each other. Whenever Peter would move across the kitchen to stand behind Neal, wrapping his arms around the younger man’s slender waist, she’d notice both of their smiles and how genuine they were. It reminded her so much of being with her own husband. She could see so much of Jon in Peter and she loved that even more. Her husband and her son are both amazing men and take very good care of the people they love.

“Mom, do you want some eggs? I made enough just in case everybody else came down.”

Smiling softly at her son-in-law as he turned to look at her, she nodded. “That would be wonderful, sweetheart. Thank you very much.” He returned her smile before returning to the eggs. A few moments more and he was ready to dish them out.

Peter glanced over his shoulder, watching Neal for a moment. “Hon, do you want coffee?”

“Yes, please,” Neal said quietly.

After several more minutes, Jon and Nicky came downstairs and the five of them had all moved their breakfast into the dining room. Nicky was still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he ate his eggs and drank the orange juice Neal had poured him. “What’re you doing up so early, dad?”

Neal smiled at his son as Peter took his hand and intertwined their fingers, silently thanking Neal. “I wanted to wake up and make breakfast before you and poppa have to leave.”

Nicky’s sleepy smile in response made Neal’s heart skip a beat. He absolutely adored the way Nicky looked right now and wished he could always look this happy. “Thanks, daddy.”

Around seven-thirty, Neal was elated. Peter and Nicky were getting ready for work and school respectively, so Neal had gone upstairs with Peter while Peter was getting himself dressed. “Thank you for breakfast, honey,” Peter said as he neared their bed while fixing his tie. “It meant a lot to me and I want you to know that.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” Neal said quietly. “I’d do anything for you.” Peter smiled, knowing how true that was. Whether Neal remembered all of the things he’d done for him, Peter would _always_ remember. He would be eternally grateful to his husband for so many reasons that he truly wished he could find a way to repay. “I love you, Peter. I love you a lot.”

“I know you do, honey,” he whispered as he stood right in front of Neal and leaned forward to kiss him gently. “And I love you just as much.” He wished he could just crawl back into bed with his husband and cuddle with him all day long. If he had no other responsibilities, he’d spend all day curled up against the love of his life. At times like this, he really wished Neal would go back to work with him again. He missed having Neal to cover him, to make him happy at work.

Looking at the younger man now, he wished he had his partner with him. Neal was among the very few people Peter actually trusted while on the job, but Neal was also very special. He trusts Neal with his life and Neal would always guarantee that his life was protected even if it meant Neal made sacrifices towards his own.

Peter shook himself out of that train of thought. It wasn’t healthy to constantly dwell on the fact that Neal couldn’t work for the FBI anymore and that Neal had gone through hell for him. “You okay?” Neal asked concernedly. He rested his hands on Peter’s abdomen, looking up at him. This morning had been going well so far, so Neal didn’t understand what was wrong. He hoped it wasn’t anything he’d done…

“Nothing,” Peter said a moment later, smiling at Neal reassuringly. “Sorry. Zoned out for a second there, but I’m all right, honey.” He lifted his hands to caress the sides of Neal’s face, staring into his eyes lovingly. “Everything’s just fine. Don’t worry.”

Neal couldn’t help feeling like he’d missed something crucial in Peter’s mannerism, but he trusted that Peter would talk to him if something were bothering him. “You’d talk to me if things weren’t fine, right?”

Peter leaned forward to kiss Neal’s forehead and whispered, “Yes,” as he rested his head against Neal’s. “You’re my love, my life, and my everything. I’m all right, my angel.”

Smiling softly as he closed his eyes, Neal whispered, “You’re all of that and so much more to me.”

The older man just smiled happily at his husband, appreciating both his internal and external beauty. “I wish I didn’t have to go to work. I’d much rather stay home with you all day.”

“Believe me, I wish you could stay, too.” Neal’s eyes slowly opened as he looked up at Peter and the older man felt compelled to kiss Neal’s lips tenderly, caressing his jaw line. Neal immersed himself into the kiss and wished he had the heart to simply drag Peter backwards onto their bed, undress him, and keep him there. He felt very physically needy, but he knew Peter needed to leave soon so he could drop Nicky off at school before making his way to work.

“Poppa, are you—?”

Both men parted a moment later and Peter turned to look at their son, giving him a small smile. “I’ll be ready to go in a second, buddy.” Neal smiled when Peter turned back towards him and he began to button his husband’s dress shirt. Nicky giggled in the hallway and Neal’s smile broadened. “Don’t you need to finish getting ready yourself, brat?” Peter asked teasingly, throwing a smirk over his shoulder.

Nicky giggled once more before darting off towards his bedroom to grab his backpack. “You’re really handsome. You know that, right?” Peter blushed, appreciating his husband’s compliment. He didn’t know how to respond with anything other than a smile as Neal stood up. Neal watched his husband tuck his shirt in curiously. “You don’t think you’re handsome?”

“I’m not as attractive as my lovely angel.”

Neal wrapped his arms around Peter’s waist and pressed his face against Peter’s chest, closing his eyes as he listened to Peter’s heartbeat. “Your lovely angel thinks you’re damn fine,” Neal said softly. “I could undress you right now and have my way with you for days—months, perhaps even years.” Peter chuckled and lifted his hand to stroke Neal’s hair. He leaned down and kissed the crown of Neal’s head. “I love you with such an intense passion. There can’t be anybody else in this universe for me.”

Peter groaned and twisted Neal as he proceeded to flop down onto their bed, pulling Neal along with him. “Don’t you ever leave me,” Peter whispered. “I can’t imagine you not being here with me.”

Throwing his leg over Peter’s, Neal murmured, “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere without you.” The older man didn’t know why he felt so desperate and insecure nowadays, but he was glad Neal embraced it. It meant a lot to him, being in Neal’s arms and knowing Neal wasn’t going to leave. “I wish I could keep you here all day long.”

Unfortunately, their time together had to come to an end for a few hours. They made lunch plans, however, and were considerably eager to see each other again. Peter held Neal’s hand as he did a couple of little things before heading for the front door with his keys in his other hand. Nicky was already waiting by the door for his poppa and watched them pause near the door, staring into each other’s eyes lovingly. “I’ll see you for lunch in a few hours,” Peter murmured as he leaned down to kiss his husband gently. “I love you, honey.”

“I love you, too,” Neal whispered, smiling sweetly when they pulled away. “See you in a little bit.”

Nicky gave his father a quick hug before leaving with his poppa. And the moment they were in the car together, just the two of them, Nicky asked Peter, “Are you and dad all right?”

Peter raised an eyebrow, wondering how his son could even question that after the brief exchange between him and Neal before they’d left. “We’re more than all right. Things are just great.” As he backed out of the driveway and pulled into the street, turning to head towards Nicky’s school, he asked, “What has you thinking otherwise?”

The teenager shrugged. “I don’t know. I just want to make sure you guys are still happy and okay together.”

“I think you’d _know_ if we weren’t happy or okay,” Peter said gently. “Dad and I are wonderful. There’s no reason to worry about us, Nick.” Nicky nodded, but Peter could see that that still wasn’t enough of an acknowledgement for him. “Little buddy of mine, daddy and I have no issues. We’re completely happy with each other. I can promise you that.” After driving for a few moments, he finally glanced at his son and saw the small smile on his face. “How have you been, Nick? How’s school? Trent?”

It was evident that the teenager wasn’t expecting the conversation to turn towards him, but he shrugged nonetheless. “Things are all right. School’s kind of stressful since it’s getting closer to the end of the year, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.” It was obvious that Nicky had sidestepped the question about Trent, but Peter decided not to push that for now. Some other time, he might bring it up again and seek out an actual answer, but he didn’t want to pressure Nicky into talking about it just yet.

Peter smiled brightly and proudly as he said, “I’ve got a smart boy who’s as intelligent and brilliant as his daddy.” Nicky giggled and Peter reached over to stroke Nicky’s hair. “Genetics worked wonders between you and dad. You’re a very beautiful, intelligent, young man.” Nicky blushed as he glanced at his poppa in return. While Peter was focused on the road again, he knew Nicky needed these compliments sometimes. “I may not say it a whole hell of a lot, but I’m very proud of you, Nicolas. Dad and I are both proud of you.”

“I know,” Nicky said softly. “For the record, I’m proud of you and dad, too.” Peter’s eyebrows rose while he drove as he let that sink in. “You guys have gotten through a lot and I give you both credit for putting in the required amount of effort to stay together—and then some.”As Peter’s right arm settled on the armrest, Nicky reached over and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. “I don’t think you realize just how important you are to me, poppa. You’ve made me and dad so happy.”

“That’s my only goal in life,” Peter admitted. “All I’ve wanted since I met you both is for you both to be happy. If I can accomplish making you two happy—well, the four of you now, then I’ve done everything I wanted to do with my life.” If he could’ve hugged his son, he definitely would’ve in that moment because Nicky certainly deserved it. “You, your brother, your sister, and your father are my life. I can’t imagine living without the four of you.”

Nicky smiled and blinked back tears. Having Peter in his and Neal’s life meant so much. “Thank you for loving dad, poppa. Thank you for loving me.”

“I’ve met a lot of people in my life, but meeting the two of you showed me just how beautiful you both are—in more ways than one. Every time I look at the family I’ve built, I’m incredibly happy.” He spent a few moments thinking back over the years he’d spent with Neal and Nicky as well as the more recent time he’s spent with the twins. Sure, they’d had their moments of frustration, but that was how every working, functional relationship should be. If he and Neal hadn’t gotten frustrated for one reason or another over the years, they wouldn’t have learned anything about each other or themselves. The same went for fights he and Neal have had with their son and would no doubt have with the twins when they grew up. “I wouldn’t change a second. Everything we’ve been through as a family has shaped us into the people we are right now.”

Nicky immediately thought about everything Neal had gone through and he felt compelled to ask, “If you…” He could see the way Peter tensed, but he wanted to ask nonetheless. “If you had the choice to change your life, would you leave dad? If you were given the option to not have to live with him and help him through the aftermaths of his rapes and the aftermath of his memory loss, would you take it?”

“I’d go through it all with him again,” Peter whispered. “He’s my husband, the love of my life. If I had to choose between helping him get through his rapes and the loss of his memory or living a life with no husband or children of my own, I’d undoubtedly choose him.” Nicky nodded, but Peter wasn’t finished yet. “Dad’s rapes don’t define him. Even if he can’t remember the experience or trauma he went through right now, he’s defined himself as the man he wants to be. He wants to be a good father and a good husband, so that’s how I look at him. I don’t love him based on the fact that he’s been hurt more than anyone ever should be hurt. I love him based on the fact that he’s a good man and a good daddy.”

Nodding for a moment just to allow that information to sink in, Nicky whispered, “I’m glad he has you. You love him unconditionally and I know you always have.”

Exhaling without having realized he was holding his breath, Peter relaxed. “I’ll love all of you unconditionally. Dad is the love of my life and I’d do anything for him. He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever met and I’m very fortunate to have had the opportunity to love him and marry him.” At another light just before reaching Nicky’s school, he glanced at his son and added, “You and the twins are our greatest accomplishments in life. I could never regret falling in love with dad and raising the three of you with him. No matter what happens to any of us, we’re a family.”

Nicky grinned at him and kept grinning until they pulled over near the front of Nicky’s school. “I love you, poppa. I’m really happy that dad let you into his life.”

“You’re the reason he let me into his life. If I hadn’t been able to steal your heart as well, I don’t think he ever would have let me in. You have always been important to him and you were the deciding factor.” He leaned over and kissed Nicky’s hair, whispering, “When he realized how much I love you, he knew I could love him, too.”

And with that, Peter watched Nicky unbuckle and grab his backpack, but not before he leaned over towards Peter’s side and hugged him tightly, whispering, “I love you as much as I love dad. You’re just as important to me. It’s why I don’t want you two to separate. You’re both just… I can’t imagine how it would feel to not have one of you around.” He proceeded to give his poppa a kiss and smiled before climbing out of the car.

He hadn’t closed the door before Peter said, “I love you so much, Nick,” and received a beautiful smile that resembled Neal’s in response. The way Nicky’s eyes lit up and how bright and genuine his smile was made Peter’s heart pound insanely. This was absolute perfection in his mind, having his husband and son smile in that way that told him that they love him as much as he loves them.

The ups and downs of his relationships with his husband and son were nothing in comparison to moments like this when he could see the genuine appreciation, care, and love in their eyes. He wished they would smile like this more, but it meant a hell of a lot to have the pleasure and honor of seeing their smiles in person.

To him, this was perfection and it was incredible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This note isn't really relevant to this story in particular, but it is relevant to the series. Most if not all of you who are reading this story and the previous two know I was working on a fourth part, "Hope is [Not] a Four Letter Word." I briefly tweeted an apology on Twitter, but I'm making an official apology here as well for removing the story. For personal reasons, working with the co-author became impossible and I had no desire to continue working on the story. In the future, I may post a similar, but not as severe, sick-fic. For now, I'm going to apologize to anyone who enjoyed that part of the series prior to it being taken down.
> 
> As always, thank you all for your continued support of this story. I'm sorry for always taking so long to upload new chapters, but between work, college, and personal issues, my ability to work on my stories has been hindered. I still work on them as often as I can and try to post as quickly as possible, but I don't want to ruin the story by attempting to speed up the process, so I thank you for your patience and sticking with this story through the weeks it may take for me to complete a new chapter. I truly appreciate it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal, after witnessing how stressed Peter is, wants to help out.

Peter paced his office as he waited for the call from Interpol. It’d been hours since they’d contacted him and the last time he’d heard anything was around four this morning, which had forced him to leave the warmth and comfort of his husband and their bed in order to work from the bureau. By this point, it was almost noon and he was anxiously awaiting the follow-up, hoping they’d gotten more Intel since earlier.

He also couldn’t stop thinking about Neal, wondering what was going through his mind, wondering how he was feeling. Neal knew what was going on because there was really only one thing that would motivate Peter at four in the morning and drag him out of their bedroom. He was also sending concerned emails and text messages, checking in on the older man from time to time just to see how he was doing and wondering the same things that Peter was. Neither of the two men was willing to risk a phone call just yet in case Interpol suddenly called Peter at the office, which would undoubtedly interrupt them.

Not hearing Neal’s voice was beginning to drive Peter as insane as he felt simply not knowing what information Interpol had or didn’t have. His nerves were really getting to him and his thoughts were racing, imagining Neal in torturous scenarios, imagining Neal submitting himself without being given the option to say no… It was beginning to get worse as he imagined Neal lying on a dirty, cold floor, his entire body bared for the world to see if they cared to look at someone who was portrayed as _beneath them._ Growling quietly to himself, he wished he could strangle anyone who’d looked down upon his husband when his husband hadn’t known who he was, where he was from, or what his life had been like prior to being kidnapped. He didn’t blame Neal for a damn thing. Rachel’s sadistic manner was to blame. She’d done this to Neal and he wished he could do a multitude of things to bring Neal’s entire life back to him. “Fucking bitch,” he snarled, wishing he could wrap his hands around her throat and strangle her, make her suffer and laugh in her face. It’d been over a month since they’d returned from Paris and he was beginning to regret allowing her to escape.

Those thoughts reminded him of when he’d sought revenge upon Craig for everything he’d done to Neal. He could never forgive someone who tortured Neal, but he simply could not forgive anyone who tormented an innocent. Neal hadn’t done anything to deserve rape or torture until his memories vanished. Had Peter been there at the time, they never would have had the opportunity to hear Neal scream _once._ He wished he could have ended their lives sooner. Killing Craig had done wonders for him psychologically because he no longer had to worry about that monster harming his husband again, but Rachel was still at large for the time being…

The sudden knock on the door, followed by the whispered, “Am I interrupting?” startled him, but also relieved him a moment later.

“Hey,” Peter said breathlessly, sounding hoarse. Clearing his throat, he added, “Come in.”

Much to Peter’s delight, Neal entered his office and closed the door, immediately turning to find himself engulfed in Peter’s arms. “Hey, love,” he whispered against Peter’s neck. He breathed in the older man’s scent and smiled, closing his eyes for a moment. He’d truly missed that this morning even though he’d been awake when Peter abruptly left him. Peter gave him a brief rundown of what was going on as he dressed himself before kissing him and promising he’d talk to him soon. Neal apparently couldn’t wait for ‘soon’ to come, so he’d arrived in person rather than distracting Peter with a phone call. He could also see that Peter’s nerves had relaxed considerably. Texting Peter when Peter was tense made Neal uncomfortable, so he wanted to do whatever he could to ease his husband’s conscience. “The security detail brought me here. I wanted to see you.” Peter pressed quick, appreciative kisses against Neal’s shoulder and smiled a little to himself. “Have you heard anything yet?”

“No,” Peter whispered solemnly, his smile faltering. “Nothing since earlier anyway. Last I knew, they were tailing her in Marseille.”

“I don’t understand why she’s there in the first place,” Neal muttered. “I have no ties to France as far as I know and we were only in Paris for our vacation together. It wasn’t a business trip, so it wasn’t like we were in contact with someone…”

“She also knows you’re back in the states, so I don’t understand whatever it is that she’s doing over there any more than you do, honey.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s back and sighed heavily, wishing he had more information to give his husband. Knowing nothing at all was very disconcerting. “It’ll be all right,” Neal told him. “I’m here and safe with you. I know you’ll do whatever it takes to bring her down, love.”

Nodding against Neal’s neck, he whispered, “I won’t let you get hurt again. I promise, Neal. I promise I’ll keep you safe. I’ll give my life to keep you safe…”

There was no doubt in Neal’s mind that Peter would go to such extreme lengths for him, but he hoped to God that those lengths wouldn’t be necessary in the end. “I want you safe, too, you know,” he muttered. “Who’s going to save me for the rest of my life if you die? Who’s going to make love to me every night and raise _our_ kids with me?”

Sighing shakily, Peter said, “Okay… Honey, I’ll be as safe and careful as I possibly can be. Just know one thing though.” He backed away slightly, putting enough distance between them so he could look at Neal’s face. Sliding his hands around to Neal’s front, he clutched Neal’s hips firmly, fixing his gaze directly on his husband. “I will do _everything_ I can to keep you safe.”

After finishing their discussion, the two men sat at Peter’s desk and attempted to relax. There wasn’t much they could do while at the bureau, but Neal’s presence calmed Peter significantly. He held Peter’s right hand in his left and watched as Peter skimmed files in an attempt to moderately distract himself from his anxiety. Having Neal in such close proximity helped greatly because he knew Neal would be safe here with him.

Seeing the tension in Peter’s back and shoulders made Neal’s heart ache, so he lifted Peter’s hand and kissed Peter’s knuckles. He’d earned himself a warm smile and his heart began to pound at the sight of it. “I love you.”

Leaning towards his husband, Peter kissed Neal’s lips sweetly. “As I love you.” Both men smiled and enjoyed the silent moment they were able to have prior to it being interrupted by the phone on Peter’s desk. Peter released Neal’s hand and surged towards the phone, answering, “This is Burke,” almost immediately. He listened intently to the voice on the other end of the phone before turning to meet his husband’s beautifully blue, concerned eyes. He looked frustrated as he answered, “I warned you that she was a dangerous target, damn it.” He shut his eyes tightly and frowned as Neal reached out to clutch his thigh, squeezing it gently to remind him that they were both together and safe. He didn’t know what was being said to Peter, but it certainly wasn’t good. “She’s a trained killer. I told you before that it’ll take serious agents to bring her down. The police force can’t do a damn thing to her because they aren’t nearly as experienced as they’d need to be.” Peter opened his eyes and, though it wasn’t directly at Neal now, Peter’s gaze was overcome with fury. “My warnings were disregarded and people died. It’s not my fault you’re incompetent and overzealous.”

Neal didn’t like Peter’s tone. He didn’t like that the older man was upset, but he understood Peter’s feelings and thoughts concerning their situation. While Peter was on the phone, he tried to be a calming presence, so he tried even harder once Peter slammed the phone down and growled his frustration. Shifting his hand from Peter’s thigh to the side of Peter’s face, he said, “Take it easy, my love.”

“Fucking Interpol,” Peter hissed as he leaned into Neal’s palm, shutting his eyes tightly. “They gave the police force no information, so they went in blindly. The orders I gave to them came straight from DC and they couldn’t fucking pass that to their police.”

Rubbing his thumb over Peter’s cheekbone, Neal whispered, “How many people were killed?”

“Sixteen. An additional twelve were injured and hospitalized. She set off an explosion when they were closing in on her.” Neal shifted closer and hugged Peter tightly, knowing Peter was blaming himself despite just having said he wasn’t responsible. “This needs to end before more people get hurt. Too many lives have already been lost.” Opening his eyes as he nuzzled his face against Neal’s neck, he whispered, “I don’t want you or our children to become unnecessary fatalities like them…”

•◊•

Neal sat in his bedroom bathroom alone after midnight with his old phone in hand, debating whether or not he wanted to go through with this or if it was even possible. He stared at it for quite some time before finally turning it on. He waited patiently for it to restart and then he stared at his wallpaper, smiling a little to himself as he gazed at his husband on the screen. Slightly distracted for the moment, he traced his finger over Peter’s facial features and then over Peter’s torso.

Shaking himself briefly, he refocused on the task at hand, going into his text messages to find several from numbers that weren’t inserted into his phone. Of the several numbers that weren’t familiar, there was a more recent text message. It’d been sent to him two days ago with the simple message, “ _Do you need my help?_ ”

He was desperate to take the offer without knowing who was on the other end, but he thought he’d give it a try. He needed to help Peter and he knew he wouldn’t be much help at the bureau right now. Peter probably wouldn’t even allow him to involve himself, so he figured he needed to go behind Peter’s back on this one. What was the worst that could happen anyway?

After several moments of deliberation, he replied, “Where can we meet?”

He honestly wasn’t expecting a text back just yet, so he debated on where he wanted to hide the phone. As far as Peter was concerned, he’d probably never use his old phone anyway. Out of sheer curiosity, he went through his text messages between him and Peter. They were very generic text messages at times, but what Neal liked the most was that Peter’s last text message to him before he’d been kidnapped had been, “ _I love you, honey._ ” He smiled at that because it was definitely dated prior to his kidnapping and they’d exchanged several text messages prior to it that led to their exchanged ‘I love you.’

Skimming messages from their last texting session all the way back a few weeks made him feel nostalgic and happy. Granted, he could probably never remember sending those messages or receiving them, but they made him happy nonetheless. Peter hadn’t tried to hide this from him, so it wasn’t like any of the messages were fabricated between them. He just kept the phone from Neal at Neal’s request that he didn’t want harmful memories to possibly emerge from reading his past text messages. Now that he could remember more things and understand just as much, he felt comfortable going through his old phone. The messages between him and Peter were sweet and he figured seeing the older pictures on his phone might make him feel a little better as well.

Shifting a little to get himself into a more comfortable position, he settled in and went to find his pictures. The gallery was right there on his home screen, so he tapped it and watched it open to a bunch of nude images of Peter. Raising an eyebrow, he went through them one by one and found himself extremely turned on. Peter was lying on their bed in various positions with a very nice erection. Neal was half-tempted to stroke himself as he looked at the pictures until he reached one in which Peter was holding both of the twins in his arms. Immediately, Neal’s dirty thoughts vanished and he was awed by the gentleness his husband displayed with their children.

Having gotten so distracted by the picture of his husband and their twins, the knock on the door startled him and he said, “One sec,” rather quickly. He turned the volume down to silent on the phone before turning the screen off and glancing around to find a safe spot for it. Pushing himself up, he went towards the towel cabinet and silently opened it, stuffing the phone in between a few of the bottom towels. He figured it’d be safe there for the time being, so he relaxed himself before heading over to the door, unlocking and opening it to see his very sleepy husband. “Hey, you.”

“You okay?” he asked as he began to yawn.

Neal smiled softly at the considerably tired man before hugging him and having Peter’s arms wrap around him in return. “I’m just fine. I was going to come back to bed in a second.” He nuzzled Peter’s shoulder gently and asked, “What woke you up?”

Peter rubbed Neal’s back and whispered, “I wanted to pull you closer, but you weren’t there. It scared me.”

The younger man immediately felt apologetic as he lifted his head and kissed Peter’s jaw. “I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m perfectly fine.” He looked up at Peter’s face and saw the tired smile there. “I love you, my big teddy bear.”

“I love my little teddy.”

Chuckling quietly, Neal said, “Let’s get you back to bed, big guy.” Peter went with him effortlessly and they crawled into bed, curling up together at the center. Peter wrapped his arm around Neal’s back to hold him close and Neal rested his head on Peter’s chest, shifting his leg to place it between both of Peter’s and throwing his arm over Peter’s waist. “I love you lots, Peter,” he whispered, pressing gentle kisses against Peter’s warm, bare chest.

Peter made a few small sounds of contentment before whispering, “I love you, Neal.” Curled up so closely together, they both fell asleep almost immediately. When they were together like this, nothing else mattered. Peter, to Neal, was so adorable. He’d woken up like a small child and went looking for Neal, only to drag him back to bed the second he found him. Despite having woken his husband, Neal liked that Peter woke up when he wasn’t in their bed. He liked that Peter wanted him so close that he actually went looking for him when he wasn’t there.

It was nice to always feel so wanted, cherished, and loved by his husband.

•◊•

The first thing Neal did after Peter left for work was head into the bathroom to retrieve the cell phone. As soon as he turned the screen on, there was an unread message for him from the unknown number he’d texted last night. “ _Times Square. Noon._ ”

He didn’t reply to the message, but he breathed deeply for a few moments, trying to ease himself into this. Whoever was on the other end offered to help him and he planned on taking advantage of that if he could. If it saved Peter in the end, it would definitely be worth it. Peter was risking his life by searching for Rachel and they all knew it. Rachel didn’t need Peter in order to get to Neal and she could probably manage to erase his memories once again like she’d done before. Peter was expendable.

After that morbid thought, Neal’s knees buckled and he barely managed to grab the sink countertop before his knees hit the floor. His chest ached immensely at the idea that Peter’s life could be taken and Rachel wouldn’t give a damn. Neal couldn’t imagine going back to a life where he didn’t know his loved ones or remember them. He could hear a gunshot and it made him flinch, made his eyes shut tightly, and his shoulders tensed.

It took a few moments, but Neal eventually came back to himself and calmed down. Nothing was going on and there was no reason to feel so tense right now. He was going through the experience of how it felt to nearly lose the love of his life and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling—nor would it ever be.

If things worked out with this contact he was going to meet in a few hours, he’d hopefully never have to know how it feels to lose Peter. He knew he wasn’t a very violent man, but he wanted to see Rachel die. He wanted to watch her life slowly fade out of her. She deserved to suffer for all of the things she put him through, things he believed he truly deserved. He’d lost his life, his love, his children, his everything. Some things may never come back to him and he loathed Rachel for taking them away from him without his consent.

Before she died, he wanted to ask her what she gained from his torment, from his loss. He wanted to understand the diabolical mindset behind kidnapping and raping him, behind torturing him to the point where he’d lost his memories, and if she ever truly loved him because her actions certainly proved otherwise. The last part didn’t particularly matter to him because he has his husband and their children, but he wanted to know how someone could claim to love someone else and do such treacherous things to them.

He’d been afraid of Peter off and on in the beginning, but he’d grown extremely close to Peter since he inherently trusted him. Something in Peter’s nature, his being, clicked with Neal very quickly. While he would admit to fearing Peter sometimes, he knew Peter would never hurt him. Peter would never cause him to experience pain similar to that of which Neal had previously experienced. If Peter ever did anything to physically hurt Neal, it definitely wasn’t intentional. Peter loves him with all of his heart, would give his life and essentially everything if it came to that, and he’d do his damnedest to protect him if he were capable of doing so.

Peter promised him time and time again that he’d protect him, that he’d make sure nothing ever happened to him again. The only thing Peter hadn’t done was promise that he would keep himself equally as safe. If Peter refused to consider himself and his own life in the heat of the moment while closing in on Rachel, Neal would step in and protect him. He may not be eligible to serve the FBI anymore, but he’d find a way to provide protection for his husband.

Hopefully, this contact would be able to help him accomplish just that.

•◊•

Neal cautiously took a seat in Times Square, waiting for his contact to arrive. He’d managed to sneak out of his own home and away from Peter’s parents in the sincere hopes that Hannah and Jon wouldn’t go looking for him any time soon. The story he was using at the moment was that he wasn’t feeling well, so he opted to stay in bed a little while longer. If Peter’s parents found out that he wasn’t at home, they’d undoubtedly contact Peter and Peter would track him down and more than likely kick his ass.

He’d arrived early just in case, but now he was beginning to unnerve himself as he waited until he finally heard a man whistle as they walked on by. Mere moments later, Neal was watching the man stop and move to take a seat beside him. They both remained silent as Neal observed the other man who seemed to be sizing him up as well.

“You look different,” the man finally said after quite some time. “Your hair’s been cut and colored. Interesting.”

Shrugging, Neal responded, “I’ve been told the color’s returning to its normal state—and it’s beginning to grow out a bit as well.”

Nodding, the man asked, “How was Paris with your sweetheart?” Neal pursed his lips, refusing to delve into that just yet. He hadn’t come here to reminisce. This was important—not to say that his vacation with Peter wasn’t important, but it didn’t pertain to the issue at hand. He’d come here seeking help. “All right,” the man conceded after realizing Neal wasn’t going to open up to him just yet. “How much of your memory was lost in the incident during your captivity?”

Eyes wide and lips parted, Neal whispered incredulously, “How do you know these things?”

“I make it my business to keep myself updated. The details are important to me.” Looking at Neal curiously, his next question was: “Do you remember who I am?” Neal nodded slowly and the man looked slightly pleased. “How much do you remember about me?”

“Essentially, next to nothing. I have very vague memories of things that happened so many years ago.” Neal seemed frustrated by that, which was understandable. “I had the feeling it was you who texted me though.”

The man smiled softly as he said, “All you’ve ever had to do was ask for my assistance and I’d be there at your side in an instant.”

Neal allowed himself to smile, knowing now that he could trust this man. “I know from the very few memories I have of you that we were close once.”

“Considerably.” Pausing for a moment, the man looked Neal over again and tried to determine whether or not Neal would be able to answer a single and simple question. At the perplexed, curious look on the other man’s face, Neal’s brows furrowed. He watched the man seemingly stare into his soul, searching for something Neal couldn’t completely fathom. “Do you… Do you happen to recall my term of endearment for you?”

Neal stared at him in complete silence and disbelief. What kind of God damn question was that? How was he supposed to know that without any further clues? And the little bastard knew he’d lost his memories. He’d even asked about the memory loss, so what the hell? The answer wasn’t coming to him and he began to wrack his brain for it, wanting it desperately if this was the ‘price he had to pay’ in order to gain some help in bringing Rachel down.

He desperately searched the bits and pieces of memory he could pull together that contained this man, but nothing was surfacing. He couldn’t hear anything that stood out, something that he should immediately know the man was looking for. This was frustrating beyond belief and the migraine that came from his efforts wasn’t making matters any better for him. The other man could see the internal struggle Neal was suffering through and he debated on retracting his question and just allowing things to advance, but Neal looked determined. He _wanted_ that damn answer if only to prove that he could find it, that his memories weren’t gone forever and that he could piece things together if he truly wanted to.

The other man watched Neal’s process without making a sound. It was intriguing, watching Neal’s mind work. Even if it didn’t come through, he planned on helping Neal out because he would never do anything otherwise.

After a great deal of time had passed and Neal’s migraine had worsened, he was finally hit with a barrage of memories that pertained to the question. He could remember being found by this man in an alleyway, pulling food that had been thrown away out of the trash bins outside of an elegant restaurant. He remembered the fear he’d felt upon seeing the man and then how comforted he felt when he was taken out of the chilly night and into a warm home that wasn’t quite a home. He recalled being safe and cared for, being given blankets and a pillow for the first time in a long time, and having someone stroke his hair as he tried to fall asleep. “Mon frère,” he finally whispered, staring at the other man expectantly. He looked like his entire being would shatter if it weren’t the correct answer. “You call me ‘mon frère.’ It… It means ‘my brother.’” The other man simply smiled in response and Neal whispered, “It’s been a long time since we’ve spoken, Mozzie.”

“Indeed, it has been.”

•◊•

Neal spent over two hours with Mozzie, discussing Peter, the kids, and what he wanted to do in regards to Rachel. Mid-discussion, his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. Curiously, he pulled it out of his phone and his breath hitched as he realized it was Peter who was calling him. Nervously answering, he said, “Hey, babe.”

“ _Where the hell are you?_ ” Peter asked, his voice full of ice. Neal could hear the fear in his voice as well. He was hesitant, knowing Peter was upset with him. In light of everything Rachel had done to him, the last thing Peter wanted was for Neal to go missing like this. “ _Neal, where are you?_ ”

Glancing at Mozzie, Neal was silently asking if he could inform Peter of their location and what they were discussing. Mozzie shrugged and sat back, watching his best friend. “I’m… I’m, uh…” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, imagining Peter looking very pissed off and concerned. “I’m out.”

Grunting, Peter said, “ _No shit. Where?_ ”

“I met with Mozzie,” he finally admitted, biting his lip. There was silence on the other end and Neal had to pull the phone back to make sure they hadn’t disconnected—or Peter hadn’t hung up on him. “Peter?” he whispered.

“ _I’d appreciate it if you came home, Neal._ ”

Neal could hear the barely restrained anger in Peter’s words and it made him feel sick. Not only was Peter angry, but Peter was concerned and more than likely terrified. Neal hadn’t expected to stay out very long, but he’d immersed himself so deeply in the conversation that time had, literally, slipped by unnoticed. “Okay,” he finally said. “I’ll head home now.” He wanted to tell Peter that he loves him, but Peter ended the call. “He’s pissed at me…”

Sighing, Mozzie nodded. “No doubt. The Suit has always been considerably protective of you and I appreciate that.” Neal glanced at Mozzie who gave him a small smile. “The only reason I’ve allowed him to live as long as he has is that he takes good care of you.”

Neal returned the smile and nodded. “That, he does.”

“Would it be all right with you if I accompanied you back to your home?” Once again, Neal nodded. He had no problem with Mozzie coming into their home. Even if his memories were a bit scrambled in regards to Mozzie, Peter hadn’t reacted negatively to Neal mentioning Mozzie during their short phone call. Evidently, Mozzie was a welcome presence in their lives.

When Neal walked into his home with Mozzie a short while later, he could feel the tension as if it were looming over the entire house. He’d been gone longer than he’d anticipated, so Peter had time to pick up Nicky and drop him off at home, which meant he also had time to check on his ‘sick’ husband and discover that said husband was nowhere to be found. Neal could only imagine the hell Peter put Jon and Hannah through for not keeping an eye on him, so Neal was going to apologize to them and explain to Peter that they weren’t at fault. He didn’t even know if Peter would feel up to taking him out for lunch today since he’d pissed Peter off so much…

As Neal was shutting and locking the door, Jon walked into the room, and Neal immediately looked apologetically at his father-in-law. There was a bit of hopefulness in his eyes and voice as he asked, “Where’s Peter?”

“He went back to work,” Jon said quietly. Stating the obvious, he said, “He wasn’t very happy.” Neal frowned, lowering his gaze to the floor. He wanted to fix this, but he didn’t want to leave the house again and he didn’t think he’d be very welcome at the FBI building. Peter had work to do and he probably didn’t need Neal fucking things up at work, too. “I…think it’s just best to give him time to cool off a bit.” Glancing at the short, bald man, he added, “Good to see you again, Mozzie. It’s been quite some time.”

Before anyone else had the opportunity to speak, Neal was heading upstairs, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. Both Jon and Mozzie understood how much this was upsetting Neal. Even though Neal had been the one to sneak out of the house and meet up with Mozzie, he felt really bad for upsetting Peter. All he wanted was to make Peter happy and this was quite the opposite of that.

The second he was alone in his bedroom, he made the call to his husband’s work phone. Having caller ID on his cell phone, Peter probably wouldn’t feel up to answering the phone, but he was obligated to answer his work phone, even if it were only for a few moments. Those few moments were all he needed. Within moments, the other end of the line was picked up and the traditional “ _This is Burke_ ” line followed.

“Hi,” he whispered nervously. “It’s…me.”

The frustrated sigh on the other end was not comforting in the slightest… “ _Can this wait until I come home? We really need to talk face to face._ ”

“That’s not why I called. I mean, I want you to listen to me, but I’m not calling about that. I’ll make it up to you and we’ll discuss it later,” he said hurriedly, sounding out of breath and desperate. “I just wanted to tell you…to tell you that I love you.” He shut his eyes tightly and whispered, “I know you’re angry, but I wanted you to hear me say I love you.”

Sighing again, Peter said, “ _I know you do, Neal, and I love you, too… Honestly, I need to get back to work._ ” Neal frowned and his silence spoke volumes to the other man. After several years together, Peter knew exactly how Neal was feeling. Even after Neal’s memory loss, he was still very sensitive to Peter’s feelings and he was very aware that Peter was hurt by the fact that Neal just took off without telling anyone anything. “ _We’ll be fine, honey. I promise. Just…give me a few hours to clear my head and then we can talk this through later._ ”

“Okay,” Neal whispered solemnly.

This time, Peter’s voice seemed a little more comforting. “ _I love you lots, sweet angel of mine. I promise you that everything will be fine, so please don’t beat yourself up._ ” Neal still didn’t like the fact that he’d angered Peter. He was only trying to be helpful and it’d ended up backfiring. “ _I’ll listen to what you have to say before I say anything at all. You can explain yourself to me without me exploding. How does that sound?_ ”

Neal truly appreciated that sentiment. He wanted Peter to know the full story and his intentions before Peter had the opportunity to yell at him, so he was glad Peter felt the same way. “Okay,” Neal said. He felt really awful, knowing he’d pissed his husband off. It was such a relief to know they’d be all right in the end though. He hadn’t really doubted that though, but he was slightly afraid of the idea that Peter might be sick of dealing with these little issues. Before Peter had the chance to speak again, Neal added, “I’ll…let you go. Talk to you in a few hours.” Swallowing hard, he whispered, “I love you so much.”

Softer than Neal expected, Peter whispered, “ _I love you just as much._ ” Neal could hear the sincerity in his voice and it meant the world to him. Things may not be all that great later, but at least Neal knew for certain that Peter still loved him a great deal.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal hash out their latest issue.

Neal was playing with the twins when Peter finally came home. Peter had cooled off significantly since they’d spoken earlier, so hearing his husband and their children laughing warmed his heart. Not to say that he wasn’t upset with Neal, but he wasn’t nearly as angry as he had been. He also knew Neal was upset with himself, so it was nice to hear that he’d relaxed as well. “Peek-a-boo,” Neal cooed, eliciting giggles from their toddlers in the other room. It sounded like they were in the dining room, playing on the floor. That wasn’t their typical playing spot, but it worked nonetheless apparently.

Peter wandered into the dining room, watching Neal play peek-a-boo with both of the twins. Both Brie and Joey absolutely loved it and the attention their daddy was giving them. They’d always enjoyed playing with their daddy as it was, but Neal hadn’t played with them much since he’d come home following his more recent abduction. Now that Neal was more comfortable in his surroundings, he was apparently very comfortable with his children again. It was nice to see. Hearing the twins laugh and watching them smile at Neal made Peter as happy as it made them. At least until they realized their poppa had come home. “Pa!” Brie cried out excitedly, throwing her arms up towards him. “Pa! Pa! Pa!”

He chuckled when Joey joined in and Neal turned around to smile up at him. There was a bit of an edge in Neal’s eyes, like he was nervous or afraid, but he trusted Peter when Peter said they’d be all right. “Yes, poppa’s home,” Peter said playfully as he got down onto the floor and allowed his children to launch themselves into his lap. He wrapped his arms around the toddlers and murmured, “Poppa missed you guys a lot,” as he hugged them and kissed their heads lovingly. Glancing at his husband, he didn’t really feel compelled to say something similar, but he wanted to nonetheless. “I missed daddy, too.”

Scooting closer, Neal kissed his husband’s cheek. “Daddy missed poppa,” he whispered sincerely. Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s and desperately hoped that things would remain this calm for the duration of the night. Sure, Peter had absolutely every right to be pissed at him, but Neal didn’t particularly want or desire to argue. The last thing he wanted was for Peter to yell at him. If he could, he’d make Peter understand his perspective before anything else and he’d do it very quickly. Peter would hopefully understand.

And even though Neal had anticipated on starting their discussion soon after Peter came home, the other man seemed inclined to wait it out. He hadn’t brought it up once and it was bothering Neal. Dinner had come and gone, the kids were tucked in, the adults all sat through a movie together, and Jon and Hannah had gone to bed already. Rather than following Peter upstairs to their bedroom to finally have the discussion they’d needed to have since Peter came home, Neal was waiting in the living room while Peter did the dishes. “It’s fucking eleven-thirty at night,” Neal said exasperatedly. “It’s like he doesn’t want to talk about this at all.”

“He’s purposely drawing this out,” Mozzie pointed out to Neal in a whisper. “I’m slightly afraid of what he’s going to do and say when the two of you are alone.” All Neal wanted was for Mozzie to tell him that he and Peter would be just fine and perhaps include a few other positive insights that would calm Neal’s nerves. Instead, he felt as though his anxiety levels had gone through the roof. He didn’t understand why Peter was acting this way nor did he know what to expect of his husband when they finally began their discussion. “Do you want me to stick around when he finally decides he’s ready to talk?”

Neal shrugged despite his tension. “I don’t know. He’s never been like this before. We… We always just _talk._ ” He glanced towards the kitchen doorway and whispered, “He promised me he’d let me explain things first. I think he’s also angrier than he let on, so I’m really not sure how this is all going to play out tonight.”

Mozzie kept his eyes on Neal’s worried face. This was bothering the younger man a great deal and it was very evident just by looking at him. “You two always resolve your issues one way or another. He may be acting strange right now, but he’ll probably be just fine in a little while.” Mozzie hoped that he’d been able to help Neal calm down at least a little bit. Neal nodded and tried to get himself into a positive mindset, wishing he could just read Peter’s mind and see what he was thinking and feeling.

Just then, Peter emerged from the kitchen. Immediately, Neal’s eyes were on him, filled to the brim with desperation and hopefulness. Peter didn’t give him any indication of _anything_ and that left Neal even more confused and lost than he already was. “I’m ready to head upstairs if you are,” he said quietly, his eyes focused entirely and solely on Neal. He could read every emotion and practically interpret every thought crossing Neal’s mind in that moment.

Both men invited Mozzie to stay in their home for the night if he so chose to and he accepted their invitation before allowing them to head upstairs. The moment they were in their bedroom, Neal went to the bed, stood at the foot of it, and stared at it in absolute terror. He was suddenly very afraid of the way things were going to go down during this conversation. Would Peter finally say he’s had enough? Would Peter walk out on him, abandon him, stick him in a facility somewhere so he didn’t need to deal with him anymore?

The moment Peter shut their door and turned around, Neal stammered, “Peter, I’m so sorry.”

Peter hushed his husband before nearing him, wrapping his arms around him gently. “I said I’d let you speak first, so calm down and think about what you want to tell me. I’m not going to say another word until you’re finished.” He released Neal then and gave him a small smile before turning them both slightly so he could seat himself on the edge of their bed, staring up at Neal who stood before him.

“I… I went to Mozzie because I wanted to help you. I know I can’t go to the bureau with you and work with you, but I—”

“Honey,” Peter said, reaching out to take both of Neal’s hands in his own. “Relax. You’re talking to me.” He knew this was stressing Neal out and he didn’t think it needed to be such a strenuous task. He was upset with Neal, but not nearly as much as he had been earlier on in the day. After spending most of the day reflecting on their relationship and whether or not this was worth it, he realized their relationship was worth it regardless of Neal’s recklessness at times. It wasn’t like Neal was going out of his way to give Peter panic attacks. “Just take it easy, okay? Start from the beginning.”

Neal took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment, and tried to get himself to focus and calm down. Peter seemed like he was relatively calm, so that definitely helped. Neal was just afraid of fucking up somehow and making things worse than they were—or had been. “After everything you’ve been doing revolving around Rachel lately, I’ve wanted to help in some way,” he said quietly, opening his eyes to stare directly into Peter’s chocolaty orbs. He found a sense of warmth and comfort staring into his husband’s eyes and it relaxed him a great deal. “I took my old phone one night and went through the text messages. I’ve vaguely remembered some things about Mozzie and I wanted to get in contact with him to see if he could help me figure things out. When I looked at my old phone, I saw an unknown number and it’d texted me very recently. Something in me said it was Mozzie.”

Once again going back on his word to not speak until Neal had finished telling his side of the story, Peter spoke up. “You blindly contacted an unknown number? Neal, what if that had been Rachel?” he asked incredulously, his eyes wide and full of disbelief. “Do you realize how insane that is? She could have been toying with you. She could have led you to God knows where and I’d never have known where she’d taken you or what she could’ve done to you.”

“It was Mozzie,” Neal pleaded. “I knew it was him. I did.” Peter scoffed and let go of Neal’s hands. “You promised you’d listen. You need to listen to me, Peter.”

“I just don’t understand how someone so God damn smart can do something so stupid,” he murmured. “Neal, what if Rachel had been on the other end? What would you have done then?”

“I had my gun concealed. Mozzie didn’t know I had it and I didn’t bring much attention to it.” That wasn’t particularly true, but he thought it might be a comforting belief that Neal could have defended himself. However, the exact opposite seemed to be the case…

Peter stared at Neal as though he’d grown a second head. “Jesus Christ, Neal. What the hell were you going to do with it, shoot yourself?” Neal looked offended and his face heated up immensely. “You don’t remember the training you’ve had with a gun. You could’ve gotten yourself killed had it been Rachel instead of Mozzie.”

Neal stepped away slightly and asked, “How can you keep focusing on the negative side of things when they clearly _didn’t_ happen that way? I’m trying to tell you how all of this worked out and you’re focusing on the hypothetical and _what ifs._ ”

“Because I could have lost you!” Peter growled, startling Neal. “You’ve never fucking realized how terrified I am of losing you! It’s a concept you can never seem to grasp!”

“Don’t yell at me!” Neal cried, trying to keep himself quiet. The last thing he wanted was to wake their kids or Peter’s parents up. “I thought we were going to be calm about this.”

Scoffing once again, Peter asked his husband, “Do you honestly expect me to be okay with you suddenly running off? You not only lied to me, but you lied to my parents. You pretended to be sick so nobody would bother you, but did you not think that I’d come home and be worried about my ‘sick’ husband?” Neal pursed his lips and looked away from Peter for a moment before meeting his gaze again when Peter spoke. “You lied to all of us. I don’t think I can trust that you won’t go out there and get yourself killed because you want to be a hero.”

Brows furrowed, Neal snarled, “You think I want to be a _hero?_ I’m not trying to be heroic! I’m trying to help you. I’m trying to do something productive with my life and for my family.”

“You’re being destructive, not productive. Going out to meet someone you weren’t even fully aware of was incredibly—”

“Is it your prerogative to insult me at every God damn turn?” Neal asked. “You’re the one who’s having such a hard time grasping concepts and yet—”

Peter lurched up from where he’d been sitting on the bed and he grabbed Neal’s wrists roughly, lifting them and holding them up to Neal’s shoulder level, effectively causing fear to surge through Neal’s being. “I have _lost_ you far too many times,” he whispered angrily in Neal’s face. His jaw was tense, his face was red, and Neal could see the anger in his eyes. “One stupid move on your part and your life could be over. Every time I’ve lost you, it’s been my fault. I didn’t protect you from Craig. I didn’t watch you before you left the bureau and were kidnapped by Craig and Vincent. I didn’t stop you from jumping out to take a bullet—even if your death was faked, I lost you—and I didn’t keep my eye on you when Rachel kidnapped you.” Neal was breathing heavily, trying to keep himself calm as Peter’s fingers tightened around his wrists. “I refuse to lose you, Neal. It’s why I won’t let you leave without an escort. It’s why I don’t want you trying to get involved in something you don’t need to be involved in.”

That made Neal snap and he shoved Peter back, freeing his wrists from Peter’s grip. Peter landed on his ass on their bed and stared up at Neal, eyes wide. He truly hadn’t expected physical force like that from Neal. “You’re caging me like an animal,” Neal hissed. “I’m as much a human being—a man as you. I have the same rights as you. I’m not going to let you keep me here like a prisoner.” Peter looked like he wanted to say something in response to that, but Neal didn’t give him the opportunity. “You think I want to lose _you,_ Peter? I’m doing what I’m doing because I’m afraid to lose you! I’m afraid that Rachel will kill you.” He had the very sudden urge to slap Peter as tears welled up in his eyes in that moment. “And don’t you dare tell me that I don’t need to be involved in this. I lost my memories and my life because of that bitch. I was raped by her, by random men and women because of her.” He could feel his face getting hotter by the second, but he needed to get this out. “My body was tortured and I didn’t realize that that was what was being done to me. My mind and my body were not my own. I was a mindless drone used for sex, Peter, because of what she did to me.” Peter wanted to pull Neal into his arms and hug him, but the look in Neal’s eyes and the tears streaming down his face kept him from doing so. “I have every right to be involved. Don’t you dare tell me otherwise, Peter! _She_ did this to _me!_ ”

“All right,” Peter conceded.

The older man wanted to say more, but Neal wasn’t done just yet. “My body and my mind have both been raped repeatedly,” he snarled. “If she hadn’t done this to me, our lives would be perfectly normal.” He wiped his eyes furiously, trying to rid himself of his tears even as they kept flowing. “I want to have a normal life with you and with our kids, but she fucked everything up. She took my mind, twisted it, and left me like a quarter of the man I used to be.” Peter tried to take Neal’s hand in his, but Neal slapped it away and snapped, “Don’t touch me!”

Peter held his hands up, proclaiming innocence, and whispered, “I won’t. I’m sorry, honey.”

Neal’s lips trembled as he stared at his husband. He looked like he was in absolute agony and Peter wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to relieve Neal of those feelings. Evidently, these feelings had been festering inside of Neal until they finally spilled over. “I want her to die,” he whispered. “I hate her. I hate what she did to me—to us and our family.” He palmed his eyes and gasped quietly as he tried to even out his breathing. “Don’t take this away from me,” he pleaded as he cried quietly. “I need to have some role in her takedown. I need closure because I know I’ve lost things that’ll never come back. She’s to blame and I want justice.”

“No matter what you do,” Peter said hesitantly, “I don’t think your memories are going to come back, Neal.”

“I’m not looking for my memories,” Neal growled. “I just told you I want closure. I want her life to end so I can begin mine again.” Peter understood what Neal wanted and he wished he could do anything and everything in that very moment to bring Rachel out into the open where they could finally get Neal his justice. “With her at large, you’re risking your life trying to find her. I want to help somehow so you don’t have to lose your life.”

Sighing quietly, Peter nodded. They’d had this same argument in the past and Peter knew it was a fool’s move to try to keep Neal out of the loop because Neal always found a way in one way or another and he usually did something drastic. “Why don’t you finish your story and I’ll completely shut up?” he asked gently. The look of skepticism from Neal wasn’t unexpected. “I promise I’ll let you finish.”

And he did. Neal paced the room, made gestures of frustration with his hands, and explained his side of the story. He was able to make Peter understand his intentions and see why he felt the way he did, why he wanted to be part of this operation even if he didn’t possess the skills to help Peter the way Peter needed him. He was determined to join this effort to bring Rachel down somehow because he wasn’t going to sit there and wait for something to happen. By waiting around, he was likely to receive a call from the coroner telling him that Peter’s body had been identified in some kind of mass shooting or bombing that Rachel was responsible for. Neal’s biggest fear was that Rachel would take Peter from him forever—and he feared the kind of torture Rachel might make Peter endure if she chose to exploit one of Neal’s greatest weaknesses.

“Thank you,” Neal said beside Peter, squeezing Peter’s hand, “for letting me finish.”

Peter leaned towards his husband and pecked his cheek gently, whispering, “I needed to hear what you needed to say and listen intently rather than jump right to conclusions like I was doing…” Neal nodded and Peter returned the gentle squeezing of Neal’s hand. “I’m sorry for saying everything I said—for yelling at you.”

Neal had forgiven Peter very quickly once Peter began to listen to him. All he wanted was for Peter to hear him out and Peter had eventually done just that. Glancing at the digital clock on Peter’s nightstand, he whispered, “It’s three in the morning.”

“I don’t care what time it is,” Peter whispered. “If we need to talk things out, we’ll talk things out. You’re far more important to me than sleep is.” He slid his hand out of Neal’s and wrapped his arm around Neal’s back, rubbing Neal’s side. “You’re everything to me. Your happiness is everything to me. If I don’t listen to you or let you speak your mind, I can’t make you a very happy man.” Neal smiled slightly as he leaned against Peter and closed his eyes. Both men were quiet then, listening to each other breathe evenly and quietly. Peter wanted to profess his love for his husband, but he had the feeling that Neal was tired and needed to get some sleep. “Sleepy, baby?” he whispered, teasing the younger man. Neal nodded against him and Peter chuckled quietly. “Okay, honey. Let’s get you up to the pillows and under the covers.”

The younger man was able to get himself up off of the end of the bed and shift to his side. Peter held the blanket up for him and covered him before getting into bed himself. As Peter was moving to turn their nightstand lamp off, Neal shifted closer to Peter and whispered, “You mean everything to me, too.” Peter smiled as Neal curled up against him, draping his arm over Peter’s torso. Peter rested his hand on Neal’s arm for a moment before twisting to turn the light off. He laid down face to face with Neal and smiled in the darkness. They were going to be just fine—as they always were.

•◊•

The following morning, Peter and Neal woke up early enough to take a shower together before anyone else woke up. “Was it…strange that we went to bed without making love?” Neal asked tentatively.

Peter smiled and shook his head as he shampooed Neal’s hair for him. “No,” Peter admitted. “We aren’t _required_ to make love every night, my angel.” Neal gave him a small smile and nodded. “Besides, we had a long conversation that was well overdue, I think. We need to communicate with each other, so I think it was better that we talked.”

“I’m glad we talked,” Neal whispered. “Like you said, it was overdue.”

Nodding, Peter added, “Next time, make it a point to discuss things with me rather than going behind my back, all right? We don’t need to fight and argue over some things. I know I’m a hothead, but we’re husbands and I know we’ll get through anything and everything.”

Neal tilted his head and leaned close enough to kiss the older man. “I know,” he said softly. “I think it’s great that we spent time just…talking.”

“I mean, if you’re upset about missing out on lovemaking for one night, we could make up for it now…” Peter smirked and Neal grinned up at his husband. Neal hugged him tightly before backing up.

The two stood there for a few moments before Neal raised his eyebrow and said, “You have to lift me up unless you want me to turn around.”

Blushing a bit, Peter said, “Right,” and bent forward slightly. Neal gripped Peter’s shoulders as Peter wrapped his arms around the back of Neal’s legs and lifted him up, propping him against the wall. He stared into Neal’s eyes and shared a smile with him, taking a few moments to think about how lucky he was to have the man in front of him, in his shower, in his arms, and in his life.

Neal squirmed a bit until he was comfortable and then he wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and crossed his ankles behind Peter’s back. “Hey, sexy,” he whispered seductively, giving Peter a sly smile that had Peter hard instantaneously.

“Jesus Christ,” Peter moaned. “I need to get you ready and you’re making me want to go straight for the plunge.”

A quiet giggle burst out of Neal and Peter gave him a clueless look. “Don’t you mean: go _gay_ for the plunge?”

Rolling his eyes, Peter muttered, “Wow. I married a child.” He smiled a moment later at Neal just to let him know that he was kidding and that he thought Neal’s joke was cute. He pecked Neal’s lips and murmured, “I really want to go gay for the plunge, but…”

Neal kissed Peter’s jaw and whispered, “Do it.” Peter hesitated, feeling like that was wrong. They weren’t the kind of couple to do anything sexual without preparation, so his instinct was to make sure Neal’s body was comfortable—and it had to do with the fact that he knew Neal hadn’t been given the courtesy and respect of being prepared for penetration by anyone who was responsible for raping him. Peter always wanted Neal to have comfort, pleasure, and a sense of safety and security. “Peter,” Neal encouraged, sighing a moment later. “Come on,” he pleaded softly while pressing gentle kisses against the side of Peter’s face. “I trust you and want this.”

Deciding that he was going to give Neal whatever Neal wanted, he listened, but he was extremely nervous to do so. He shifted them both enough to give himself enough room and slid into his husband, listening to his quiet moans and groans as he slid further and further into him. “Am I hurting you?”

“Not at all,” Neal said tightly, gasping the moment Peter was fully sheathed inside of him. “Oh, God… Peter. God damn.” He leaned his head against Peter’s and Peter was instantly concerned, wondering if he’d brought on memories of what’d been done to him before. The last thing he wanted was for Neal to experience something traumatic because of _him._ “Peter, are you planning on moving at some point?” he asked after about a minute of absolute silence. He’d given himself some time to adjust, but he was just fine.

Upon lifting his head, Neal saw the anxiety in Peter’s eyes and he understood even though it frustrated him at the same time. “Baby, I—”

Neal hushed his husband gently, lifting his hands to caress the sides of Peter’s face. “Hey,” he murmured. “Look at me. Do I look like I’m bothered? I’m absolutely okay with this. Just move, please.”

Hesitantly, Peter did as Neal asked and began to make love to him. He held Neal tightly and kept them pressed together, fearing that he might give Neal the impression that this was another instance of rape if he didn’t hold him close. Neal buried his face into the crook of Peter’s neck and moaned quietly, occasionally letting his tongue poke out to taste Peter’s skin.

Eventually, Peter was relaxed enough to simply get into the rhythm of their lovemaking and he was able to make love as he normally did. Neither of them knew how long they were going at it when Neal came first. He sighed as a sign of his pleasure and nuzzled his face against Peter, loving the feeling of his husband’s warm, wet skin. “How was that?” Peter asked him.

“It’s not over until you come,” Neal whispered shakily, his breathing labored. “Come, Peter. Please.”

After a few more thrusts, Peter was doing just that. He whispered Neal’s name against Neal’s neck and moaned quietly while sliding his hand up and down Neal’s slick back. “You know that I love you, right?”

Neal smiled and nodded, shifting just enough so that he could make eye contact with the older man. “Absolutely—and you should know by this point that I feel the same way about you.”

They shared a quick kiss and a smile before someone interrupted. “I love you both, too, so can we please hurry up these proceedings? Others need to use the restroom and perhaps take a shower of their own without wasting water.”

Neal and Peter both startled at the intruding voice and jointly groaned, “Mozzie!”

“I know you two need to clean up. Clean your bodies and I will sanitize the shower before I take a shower myself.”

Both men chuckled when they heard the door close and Peter rolled his eyes. “I could really do without that,” he muttered, “but I’m very grateful that we had this time together.”

Neal grinned and kissed his husband as Peter gently guided Neal’s feet to the floor of the shower. “We have all the time in the world to be together, lover.” He kept his arms around Peter’s neck, rubbing his thumbs up and down the nape of Peter’s neck. “Thank you for making love to me.”

Laughing quietly, Peter shook his head and kissed Neal’s hair. “You never need to thank me for making love to you.”

By the time they’d gotten out of the shower, dried off, and dressed, Mozzie was already in the bathroom ‘cleaning’ up after them. They both knew they hadn’t made a mess for Mozzie to clean, but Mozzie insisted on sanitizing the shower anyway despite the fact that it was ridiculous.

Peter asked Neal to relax while he made breakfast, but Neal wanted to be right there with him, so they both stood in the kitchen together. Neal stood behind Peter with his arms around Peter’s waist and his head resting against Peter’s back. “How did I get so lucky?” Neal murmured against his husband, nuzzling his face against the older man to enjoy his warmth.

Resting a hand over both of Neal’s, Peter whispered, “I’m the lucky one. All you have ever needed to do was look at me and I’d melt right in front of you.” He rubbed Neal’s hands gently and added, “If things hadn’t worked so well between us as well as between me and Nicky, there wouldn’t be an us. I’m considerably lucky because you trusted me.”

“How could I not trust you?”

The older man took a brief moment to consider all of the many reasons Neal could possibly not trust him, but he chose to avoid bringing those reasons to light. Those particular reasons hadn’t torn them apart, so there was no reason to bring them up. “I’m just glad you did, my love.”

Neal listened to Peter breathe, closing his eyes to give his other senses the opportunity to heighten themselves. He could hear Peter’s breathing better and clearer as well as smell his masculinity. “Let me tell you right now that your soap smells really sexy,” he murmured against the older man who chuckled in response. “I’m not kidding.” He pressed a quick kiss against Peter’s back before relaxing his head against him again. “You smell like a man.”

Smirking, Peter said, “You do realize that I am, in fact, a man?” Neal smacked Peter’s abdomen playfully without moving the rest of his body and Peter laughed quietly. “And, need I remind you, you use the same soap as I do, so you smell like as much of a man as I do, angel.”

“Must you analyze such a simplistic, innocent compliment?”

Chuckling, the older man answered, “Yes, darling. It’s so much fun.” Neal opened his eyes and smiled before unwinding his arms from around Peter’s waist. He slid around Peter until he was in front of him and proceeded to kiss him lovingly. “It’s especially fun if I’m always rewarded with a kiss as sweet as yours.”

Neal rolled his eyes, but his smile didn’t falter for a second. “You’re… I can’t even find the right word to describe you.”

Peter smiled down at the younger man before lifting his left hand, rubbing his wedding ring over Neal’s lips. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered. “Your smile, your eyes, your voice… You are the absolute embodiment of beauty.”

“I take it things went well.”

Both men nearly jumped out of their skin, simultaneously asking, “Can you stop sneaking up on us?”

Mozzie raised an eyebrow as the two looked stunned, staring at each other before bursting into a fit of laughter. “Yes. Things definitely went well,” he confirmed, nodding as he departed from the kitchen entrance and went to take a seat in the living room on the couch.

“As if he hadn’t already figured that out,” Neal said, rolling his eyes while Peter smiled at him. “I’m glad we’re okay,” he added softly.

Peter wrapped his arms around the younger man and kissed his hair, whispering, “No matter what happens between us, you and I will always be okay in the end.” Neal slid his arms around his husband and nodded while smiling himself. He had the feeling that Peter was absolutely correct, that he really had nothing to worry about when it came to them because they always worked through and resolved their issues.

Nothing was truly capable of tearing them apart by this point. Not even Rachel.

Rachel was just an obstacle that they would eventually need to overcome. Peter had every intention of keeping Neal within the loop and up to date on the happenings at the bureau that revolved around Rachel, but he would still be overly cautious for fear of losing Neal to her again. If she took him away again, there was no telling what she’d do to him or if he’d even make it out alive this time around.

For their family’s sake, both men decided that working together would probably always end up being the best course of action. It avoided sneaking around and lying to each other. Peter just hoped that Neal would tone down on the recklessness now that he was allowing Neal to work with him on this.

As soon as all of this chaos with Rachel was over, Peter hoped Neal would have the closure he was seeking. He hoped that their lives would regain some semblance of balance and normality once that bitch was taken care of. “Stop thinking,” Neal commented, breaking Peter out of his thoughts. “Just hold me now and be here with me.”

“Always,” Peter whispered, squeezing Neal gently. He let himself absorb the warmth and love that Neal was radiating. With Neal so close to him, he knew they would make it through this. They’d made it through plenty of other obstacles, tragedies, and difficult situations. As long as they had each other and worked together, they could do anything. _Partners in every sense of the word._


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter feels conflicted about the way Neal's chosen to recall memories from his past prior to Peter being in his life.

Mozzie and Neal took the twins to the Met for a short while since Peter was at work. Peter’s parents were reluctant when it came to letting the two men leave, but Peter had given Neal his blessing as long as Neal allowed the specified FBI agents on duty to take them all there and protect them—from a safe distance, of course. Mozzie wasn’t comfortable with the FBI intrusion, but he figured it was the only way Neal would be allowed out of the house—and he had no intention of losing the wingtips anyway because he wanted to regain Peter’s trust that he’d keep Neal safe.

Neal was acting as if this was completely normal for him and Mozzie figured it was. Whether Neal remembered it or not, he’d been a Suit once. He’d also married a Suit, had a lot of Suit friends, and now he had a Suit detail on him because of his Suit husband. “You’re extremely uptight right now,” Neal murmured. He was holding one of the twins’ hands in both of his own and their pace was nice and slow. The twins were getting some time to practice walking without holding anything other than Neal’s hand and they were enjoying the art he led them around to see. The colors excited the little ones.

“Well, I’ve never been comfortable around you and your Suits…” Neal raised an eyebrow. “I have issues when it comes to being a law-abiding citizen, mon frère. Your choice of profession has always been just that—your choice. Our friendship has, admittedly, spared me of justice in the past though.” At the look on Neal’s face, Mozzie snickered. “You’ve always disliked doing anything that broke the law, but you’ve saved me once or twice.”

Having remembered that Mozzie had been his first friend upon coming to New York, he knew that saying, “Well, you saved my life,” was appropriate. It even surprised Mozzie that he’d been able to remember that.

Absolutely stunned and at a loss for words, Mozzie gaped at the other man who continued to lead his two toddlers through the art museum. As they peered at an abstract painting, Mozzie asked him, “You…remember? I mean, I know you can recall some things, but I assumed you had the bare minimum amount of memories when it came to me because, you know, you’re with Peter and your family almost twenty-four-seven.”

Neal’s brows drew together as he said, “You honestly expected that I’d have very few memories of you? You don’t think you were influential in my life?”

“That’s not what I said,” Mozzie added. “I simply inferred that you’d have less memories of our time together and more of the times with your family since you’ve been around them so much more.” He glanced at the twins for a moment before returning his gaze to Neal. “I’ve just come back in your life. Peter, Nicky, these two, and Peter’s parents have been there for you since you were brought home.”

“Peter’s shown me pictures and videos. I’ve seen you in some things and I’ve asked him about you.” He let the twins guide him along as he spoke to Mozzie. They were enjoying themselves and he was content with letting them explore a little. He felt so overprotective of them though and didn’t want to let go of either of them even for a second. “He’s told me a few things and I’ve remembered a few other things. Like, I can remember you taking me home to my first apartment when you found me rummaging through garbage.”

Mozzie looked really impressed and, once again, at a loss for words. “I…didn’t realize you remembered that.”

Neal let it go at that. He didn’t feel like continuing this conversation. The fact of the matter was that he did remember some things that pertained to his experiences with Mozzie. He’d been regaining some memories over the last few months and Peter’s encouragement and support certainly helped, but he didn’t want to drag himself back to just because it seemed like Mozzie didn’t believe he was capable of retrieving some things. While he knew that all of his memories wouldn’t come back, he didn’t want to dwell on that. Peter spent too much time helping him build himself up for him to let himself crash and burn.

“Dada!” Joey cried, pointing at a particularly colorful artwork on the wall. He seemed really transfixed by the watercolors. “Dada!” Neal smiled and looked down as Joey began to tug on his arm. He looked so thrilled and Neal hoped his little ones would enjoy the aesthetic feeling of art like he does. Peter told him that he’s always been an art aficionado, so he figured visiting the Met wouldn’t do any of them any harm.

Mozzie watched Neal curiously and Neal could feel his eyes on him. It made him slightly uncomfortable, like he was some kind of circus animal whose next move or trick was being anticipated and sought out. He didn’t find anything strange is having some of his memories return to him, but Mozzie seemed far more surprised than Neal expected. “Can you stop looking at me?” Neal asked exasperatedly when he couldn’t handle the staring any longer. It just bothered him a great deal for whatever reason. He didn’t like being watched. “Don’t stare at me. I’m not a freak show.”

Seeing how tense Neal had become, Mozzie sighed and averted his gaze from the younger man’s form. “I apologize, mon frère. I know you aren’t a freak show nor was that implied. I’m just trying to…figure you out.” Neal’s brows drew together as he shot a questioning look at Mozzie. “I’m trying to understand how your mind and memories work. Your Suit husband hasn’t explained anything to me and I know you’re having a hard time dealing with this on your own.”

“What is there to explain? My brain was fried and it’s taken months to regain some things.” He looked frustrated and Mozzie figured he was really pushing Neal’s buttons right now. “Peter’s patience is the only thing that keeps me motivated. He hasn’t let me down or let me give up. What more do you want to know?”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Mozzie said apologetically. He didn’t want to come into Neal’s life and cause chaos, but he figured he certainly wasn’t making things better or easier for Neal. All he wanted was to understand how Neal was functioning now. He understood that Rachel was behind the loss of memory, but he didn’t know all of the details. Perhaps Neal and Peter didn’t quite understand it themselves. He figured he’d have to speak to Peter in private at some point in order to fully catch up without further aggravating Neal. “I won’t ask any more questions, all right? Let’s just focus on the art.”

For the duration of their visit to the Met, Neal was visibly upset, but he tried to animate himself whenever the twins reacted to art or something else around them. He wanted the twins to experience this with him, but he wanted to go home at the same time and lock himself in his bedroom until Peter came home. In reality, he felt like Peter was the only one who truly understood what he was going through. Even though he knew Peter couldn’t possibly understand because he hadn’t gone through any of this firsthand, Peter tried to look at things from Neal’s perspective at all times and he always managed to help Neal get through anything because he could place himself in Neal’s position and try to figure things out on his own rather than question Neal and make him feel uncomfortable. That sort of comfort came with the trust that was part of their relationship.

Neal trusts Peter to help him, to understand him. It might take time for Peter to make the full connection, but he tries desperately without prodding Neal if he can. That was one thing Neal’s always appreciated when it came to him and Peter. Peter wanted to understand and he tried his hardest no matter what, but he didn’t try to make Neal uncomfortable by doing so. He sought out the most comforting and securing ways to help Neal. Neal loved Peter for that and he hoped Mozzie would soon be able to figure things out without making Neal feel like a freak of nature.

•◊•

Neal woke up when he heard his bedroom door push open. Opening his eyes, he immediately twisted to look at the door and he saw a tiny form standing in the doorway. “Dada,” the small voice said miserably.

Peter shifted a little closer to Neal from behind, but Neal managed to slide out of bed, whispering, “Daddy’s here, Joey.” He moved closer and eventually picked Joey up, holding him against his bare chest. “How’d you get out of your crib, little boy?” Joey nestled his face into the crook of Neal’s neck and whimpered and sniffled quietly. Neal figured the toddler had a nightmare or something scared him enough to make him leave the crib and go to his daddy. “It’s okay,” he cooed quietly, resting his cheek against Joey’s soft head. “Daddy’s got you, baby boy. Daddy’s got you.” He gently rocked Joey in his arms and hummed quietly in the hopes that he’d relax his son a little more.

Once Joey was quiet, Neal figured he could take Joey back into his bedroom and place him in his crib again. Despite being naked, he also figured Nicky wouldn’t wake up and come out into the hallway to spot him at all. If Hannah or Jon came out and found him naked, they’d probably understand—not to say that Nicky wouldn’t, but Hannah and Jon have probably been there before.

The second Neal was in the twins’ bedroom, he went towards Joey’s crib and tried to lay him down. The toddler protested, “Dada,” and gripped Neal tightly. He didn’t want to be put back into the crib. He really wanted to stay with his daddy. “No,” Joey whispered against Neal’s neck.

Chuckling quietly, Neal sighed. “Okay, kiddo. You can sleep in daddy and poppa’s bed.” He briefly checked on Brie to make sure she was all right and wasn’t entirely surprised. Even at this young an age, she seemed pretty independent. Of course she relied on her fathers for things, but she seemed to be pretty content with doing whatever she could on her own.

Neal brought Joey back into his own bedroom and crawled back into bed, laying Joey down between him and Peter before pressing his chest against Joey’s back. As he was pulling the blanket over the two of them, Joey rolled over and curled up against Neal’s chest. He smiled as he watched his son yawn before finally settling down. He was so captivated by the sight of his son curling up to him, holding on to him, trusting and seeking safety and warmth from him. In that moment, a rush of memories hit him. He could remember being much younger, more exhausted, and smiling at the baby in front of him.

He was in a different time and place, knowing Nicky was the baby lying in bed with him. Peter wasn’t in this memory with him and he understood that Peter hadn’t come into their lives until a little over nine years later.

Alone with Nicky, he remembered feeling elated and feeling so in love with another human being for the first time. Whoever else he’d claimed to love in the past hadn’t come anywhere near the love he felt for his own child. Lying in bed beside Nicky, he felt content. He felt grateful. Nicky, being his first child, had been his first experience with true love.

Blinking, he found himself staring at Joey in much the same way that he’d once stared at Nicky. Well, honestly, he still looked at Nicky with that same amount of love and contentedness. His children, like his husband, are his true loves. If anything happened to any of them, he’d be devastated. Memories of Nicky being hurt, captured, or troubled bothered him for that reason alone. Memories of arguments with Peter and of the day when Peter had been shot and nearly lost to them all also brought on similar feelings. He didn’t like seeing anything but joy and smiles on their faces.

“Did you remember something?” Peter whispered, startling Neal a little. He’d woken up the second Neal left with Joey and he’d remained awake, silently watching his husband and knowing Neal was going through some sort of happy memory. It was too beautiful a moment for him to interrupt, but he could see that Neal was in the present with him again. Neal nodded and Peter smiled warmly at his husband. “Was it about you and baby Nicky?”

“Yeah,” Neal whispered softly. “I felt really…happy.” That wasn’t the only feeling he’d felt, but he didn’t really know how else to describe it aside from feeling nostalgic.

After shifting enough to peck Neal’s lips without jostling Joey around, Peter murmured, “You’ve always had such a loving connection to your children, so this doesn’t surprise me at all.” He gave Neal a small smile and laid back down. Neal returned his husband’s smile, appreciating it a great deal. “I’m glad you remembered that, hon.”

Neal grinned at his evidently sleepy husband. “Me, too.” Reaching over their son to touch Peter, he added, “You know what’s great about this?” Peter gave him a look of question—as best he could while extremely tired. “I can remember a time when I was alone and raising a kid by myself.” He lifted Peter’s hand and kissed his knuckles, whispering, “And now I have memories of raising three children with a man I love more than anything.”

“As long as I live, you’ll never be alone again,” Peter promised him. “You and I—all of this is forever, angel.” Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes because that sentiment made him very happy. He liked the idea of always having Peter in his life. He loves his husband so much and really couldn’t imagine a day passing where Peter wasn’t with him by Peter’s own choice. “We’ve been through too much for me to simply quit at any point and I can’t imagine not being here with my beautiful family.”

Joey snuggled even closer to Neal and Neal couldn’t help smiling down at the little boy. He loved this feeling that Joey was giving him, making him feel loved and needed. It wasn’t exactly the same kind of love and need that he felt when he and Peter were together, but both kinds of love and need were special to him. “I love you all,” Neal whispered as he held Joey. “I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through anything if I didn’t have each and every one of you in my life.”

•◊•

Over the course of the next few days, Peter could see Neal forming a deep attachment to Joey. He absolutely understood why Neal was doing it, but he was trying to encourage Neal to play with Brie and spend time with Nicky, too. Joey was bringing back memories Neal thought he’d lost from Nicky’s baby days, so he was trying very hard to keep bringing those memories back to the surface. Peter was struggling to tell Neal to relax and be patient because he knew Neal really wanted these memories, but Peter felt like Neal was forcing them now.

As Peter was working on breakfast, Jon approached him and asked, “Have you noticed how…obsessive Neal has been with Joey lately?” Peter nodded silently, waiting to see if his father had any advice for him. “Is there a reason? Not to say that I’d rather see him neglect his son, but I think they’re together a little too much nowadays. Joey might become too attached and dependent on Neal.”

“Joey brings back memories of Nicky. I don’t know if I want to stop what he’s doing because I know he’s making progress and it’s making him a lot happier, too.” Jon looked a little uncertain himself and that made Peter even more anxious about what he should or shouldn’t be doing. “I don’t think he’s obsessing over Joey, but I know he’s really getting attached. Unfortunately, I think it’s for all the wrong reasons, too. He shouldn’t be spending so much time with Joey just because he’s regaining memories of Nicky.” Frowning, Peter added, “That seems entirely unfair to me.”

The look on Jon’s face made Peter’s heart sink. Turning quickly, Neal was right there and had evidently heard what he’d just said. “So what you’re saying is that I shouldn’t be spending so much time with any of my kids?” Peter was at a loss for words, trying to find something to say that wouldn’t infuriate Neal more. “You know, you were all supportive and trying to get me to spend more time with the kids for the longest time,” he snapped. “Now you’re acting like I’m spending too much time with them, like I should neglect them so everyone’s better off.” He heaved a sigh of frustration before storming off and Peter was quick to follow him after Jon quickly said he’d take over for breakfast.

Peter attempted to reach out for Neal, telling him, “That was never once implied. I just—”

Neal spun on him when they were in the living room. Fortunately, the only ones present in the room were the twins at the moment. He batted Peter’s hands away and glared at his husband. “Why do you have to make such a big deal out of _everything?_ You’re always making me feel like a terrible person and husband because I can’t do anything the way I did before. Now you’re making me feel like a terrible _father!_ ”

Gaping at the younger man, tears welled up in Peter’s eyes. He hadn’t realized he was making Neal feel this way nor had Neal indicated that he felt so horribly at any point. “It has never been my intention to make you feel inferior, Neal. We just… We need to talk about this, okay? You need to calm down and we can have a—”

“What exactly is so wrong about spending time with one of my kids, Peter? Are you pissed off because you’re in one of your _he’s a better father than I am_ lows?” Peter had no idea how to respond to that. He hadn’t felt that way at all. “If that’s the case, I’m not being a better father nor am I trying to be better than you. I’m just trying to better my ability to actually be a father, Peter, since I lost most of my first child’s life.”

“I just don’t think you’re doing it the right way,” Peter suggested, feeling like he’d once again made the wrong comment. He could see the anger sparking in Neal’s eyes, but he didn’t want to argue if they didn’t need to and he definitely felt like this wasn’t argument worthy. “You’re far too focused on Joey now and I feel like you should spend time with Nicky and Brie equally. They’re your kids, too.”

The snarl of frustration that Neal let out made Peter’s stomach flip. “I’m not trying to single any of them out!” He looked like he could strangle Peter in that particular moment and be absolutely okay with it, which kind of scared Peter. “Don’t you get it, Peter? Joey’s my baby boy. He’s bringing back memories I thought I’d lost of Nicky. How can you be so God damn critical of what I’m doing when I’m starting to remember my first son’s life? Isn’t this what you wanted me to do?” Peter bit his lower lip, wishing he could find the right thing to say to his husband.

“Yes,” he finally said. “I’m glad you’re making this work and remembering things, but the point that I’m trying to make is—”

“—invalid because I’m remembering. Isn’t that the important part? I’m trying so damn hard to get these things back and I feel like you don’t want me to.”

“How can you even think that?”

Neal threw his arms out to his sides and said, “Because you’re acting like what I’m doing is wrong!”

Peter glanced at the twins as Joey startled. He could see that Joey wasn’t very happy with the way his father’s voice had raised, but Joey was trying to keep himself calmed down. “Keep your voice down,” Peter said gently. “You’re scaring the babies.”

“You know what? I’ll just stay in our bedroom since I can’t do anything right outside of it,” Neal snapped at him, spinning to head towards the stairway.

The last thing Peter wanted to do was make Neal run from him and he really wanted to end this on good terms. “Okay, okay,” Peter said, darting after Neal and grabbing his arm. He gently tugged Neal closer and Neal, evidently, came willingly even though he still looked pissed off. “Listen to me, please. I’m sorry that I’m continuously insulting you. I’m still adjusting to all of this with you, all right? I’m sorry.” Neal pursed his lips and Peter sighed, releasing Neal. “I’ll admit that I don’t know what’s best for you right now, but I wish I did. If this is working for you, perhaps it’s a good thing. I just… Can you try to spend an equal amount of time with all of the kids?”

Neal groaned, frustrated once again. “I do spend an equal amount of time with all of them, Peter. I play with the twins together and give them both all of my undivided attention. Whenever Nicky’s around, we sit together, talk, or I try to help him out with his homework and studies. I’m not just focused on Joey like you seem to think I am.” His posture relaxed and that relieved Peter quite a bit. “I really wish you’d chill out. You make everything a big deal and there’s really no reason to do that.” He lifted his left hand and rubbed his temple. All of this frustration and his efforts towards recovering his past were finally getting to him, but he was trying not to let anything overwhelm him.

“Are you okay?” Peter asked concernedly, immediately noticing Neal’s gesture. He stepped closer to Neal and rested his hand on Neal’s hip. Neal wasn’t responding, but Peter could see the distress as clear as day. Something was going on in Neal’s mind and Peter wished he could see it so he could pull Neal out of it.

Neal was struggling with a memory he felt like he’d suppressed even when he could’ve remembered it. Vincent was there, they were dressed up, and they were dining somewhere extremely pricey from the looks of it. “ _Sit next to me or I’ll take you into the men’s room, boy._ ” Neal remembered cringing as he took the seat beside his stepfather at the table. The threat had been quiet, but it felt like he’d screamed it at Neal. They were surrounded by people, people Neal assumed whom Vincent worked with. From that, he gathered that this had been a business dinner or something to that effect.

“ _I don’t see why you even brought me along,_ ” Neal muttered to the older man. “ _All you’re going to do is threaten me in the presence of so many other people and I know I can’t say a damn thing about it,_ ” he hissed. Neal remembered that he was protecting his mother, but his mother was nowhere to be found at this particular dinner. The look on Vincent’s face immediately signaled to him that he’d spoken far too much and said what Vincent didn’t want to hear.

Reaching under the table, Vincent’s bony fingers wrapped around Neal’s wrist tightly, squeezing until the pain began to make Neal physically react. “ _If you don’t listen to me, I’ll kill your mother. You will learn to obey me, you stubborn child,_ ” he snarled near Neal’s ear, pretending to be having a decent, private conversation with him in the eyes of the others around them. “ _You’d best keep in mind that I control the way your life goes from here. Everything you do is wrong. You may as well call me your master, my little love._ ” Bile built up in Neal’s throat and he felt physically ill at the thought of ever calling Vincent his master. The man was no father of his, but he was labeled ‘stepfather’ simply because of the fact that his mother had married this monster. Calling any kind of father figure a master seemed wrong on a variety of levels that Neal never wanted to reach.

The dinner had gone well as far as Neal could tell. He’d spoken only when spoken to and Vincent kept giving him subtle reminders to keep his mouth shut otherwise and to not speak a word about what went on in their home. As far as everyone knew, Neal was simply a well-mannered young man who obeyed his stepfather. No one was aware of the reasons Neal tried to seem obedient even though the very thought of obeying a monster had him feeling sick and loathing himself.

Neal, in the present, was trying to make the connection between this memory and what was going on between him and Peter presently, but it wasn’t making sense.

After the dinner was over, Neal had gotten into Vincent’s car and watched cautiously as Vincent started up the car moments later. “ _So this dinner…_ ” Neal began cautiously. “ _To you, was it like taking me out on an unofficial date?_ ”

“ _Absolutely, which is why I don’t appreciate you talking back to me. Haven’t you learned that opening your mouth to speak is always your very first mistake in any given situation?_ ” he snapped. Neal flinched and tensed, turning away from the older man. “ _Your mother is working late tonight. I’m happy with how the dinner played out, but you have personally made me unhappy. As soon as we get home, I’m fucking you._ ” Neal shut his eyes tightly and tried to refrain from crying as Vincent began to drive them home. In that moment, Neal realized that he could quite honestly launch himself from the car and probably kill himself. They were on the highway, so they were speeding right along. The temptation to end his life right then and there hit him hard and he’d truly considered unbuckling himself, throwing the door open, and jumping. “ _I love you, my Neal, despite the fact that you’re a constant fuck-up. Someday, we’ll fix these issues of yours. Someday, you’ll learn to appreciate me and the things I do for you._ ”

“ _I doubt that,_ ” Neal whispered, earning himself a quick backhand from the other man who was able to quickly recover his driving after physically assaulting his stepson.

“ _You’ll never do anything properly with that attitude,_ ” he hissed. “ _You don’t need to be a fuck-up, Neal._ ” Neal was holding the side of his face as tears welled up in his eyes. “ _Just imagine having children with me someday. I could release your mother and we could run away together, adopt together. Imagine the fathers we could be._ ”

“ _You are supposed to be my father!_ ” Neal screamed at him as tears fell from his eyes then. “ _W-We aren’t supposed to have children together. You’re supposed to be my father, not my boyfriend or my husband!_ ”

Vincent laughed and it was evident that he was struggling to refrain from reaching out and hitting Neal again. “ _You honestly think you’d be good enough for another man? I see your faults and I intend to correct them and make you into the perfect man. Someday, you and I will be married. Whether that legalization comes when you’re twenty years old or forty years old, we will one day become husbands. Then, once we’re married, we can have children. Can’t you imagine the beauty in that?_ ” Once again, Neal felt sick. He was slowly beginning to make the connection though. Vincent wanted to change him, to make him a perfect person that Neal apparently couldn’t achieve on his own merit. “ _You’re a piece of shit, Neal, and I don’t want you to be a piece of shit father down the road. We’ll correct your attitude and mannerisms. I’ll make you the perfect man, husband, and father you’ll be with me someday._ ”

Neal remembered crying for the remainder of their ride home, his thoughts of lurching from the vehicle lingering. The only thing that ever stopped him from going through with suicide was that he wanted to protect his mother and he didn’t want anyone else to have to go through what he’s gone through. Neal remembered that he’d been fifteen, closing on sixteen, at this particular moment in time. It was just before he’d actually run away from home.

This memory came from the fact that Vincent thought he’d be a terrible father, that he’d be an absolute failure and never amount to anything in his life. It was also what probably brought on his sentiment that he’d be a terrible father as soon as he’d seen Nicky for the very first time. He’d claimed that Peter put him down and was making him feel inferior about his ability to father his own children, but he could see the difference. Peter never changed him, never asked him not to do something because it wasn’t the way Peter wanted things to be. In the particular situation he was in with Peter right now, Peter wanted to make sure Neal’s parenting choices included all of their children. It wasn’t like he was suggesting that Neal’s entire experience with fatherhood was improper or incorrect. He was just making a suggestion. In reality, Neal realized that it was an innocent comment that wasn’t meant to spark an argument between them.

His memory pertaining to Vincent discussing their ‘future’ came back to him because there’d been a time when someone actually had undermined his ability to one day become a decent father. Neal was beginning to find confidence in himself and Peter was only trying to ensure that it stayed that way. “I’m doing exactly what I should be doing,” Neal whispered once he’d fully returned to the present, startling Peter. “I’m not a failure. I’m not inferior.” He met Peter’s gaze and all of the fight within him simply faded away. There really was no reason to argue with Peter over this. Whether Peter understood the reasoning behind what Neal was doing, Neal knew he was doing the right thing. It wasn’t like he didn’t have these connections with his other two children. Peter just, apparently, wasn’t there to witness those moments.

“I’m glad you realize that,” Peter said, trying to understand what just happened.

“It’s not just Joey who’s helping me remember things, Peter. I hope you realize that Brie and Nicky are just as influential as Joey.” Peter waited patiently in the hopes that Neal would continue explaining this to him. “Whenever I’m with any of the kids, things do come back. I know I haven’t really talked to you about that. It’s just… When I hold Joey, I can see Nicky. When I hold Brie, I can recall some things from Nicky’s childhood, but I mostly just see Brie as she is. That doesn’t mean I’m not seeing Joey for himself though. He, Nicky, and Brie are all my children. They’re all individually loved and appreciated by me.”

Letting his curiosity get the best of him, Peter asked, “Is there something you’re not telling me? Did you remember something while you were staring off blankly into space?”

Neal didn’t exactly want to discuss it with Peter because he didn’t particularly want to remember what happened when he and Vincent arrived at their home that night. Knowing that Vincent constantly put him down and made him feel terrible about himself and every aspect of his life was enough. “Don’t worry about it,” he finally said, stepping close enough to hug his husband for a few moments. “Everything’s just fine.”

Peter, confused as ever, watched Neal walk away and take a seat on the floor to play with the twins. He had the feeling that Neal was keeping something from him, but he didn’t feel the need to push him. Neal would probably open up about it at some point, but it obviously didn’t harm him if he was _this_ calm. Nonetheless, he couldn’t help wondering: what the hell?

The older man watched his husband and he could see that Neal was playing fairly with both twins simultaneously. Honestly, Neal had never been one to favor one child over the other. While Neal and Nicky had been practically attached at the hip for nearly ten years, Neal had adjusted to having three children pretty well as far as Peter was concerned. Truthfully, he felt ridiculous for even suggesting that Neal was becoming obsessive and spending too much time with Joey. Really, how would he truly know there was an equal amount of time spent with both twins when he was at work most of the time?

Heading back out into the kitchen, Jon asked, “Is everything all right? I didn’t hear anyone stomping up the stairs in annoyance…”

Peter shrugged. “I really have no idea what just happened, but I hope he’ll explain it to me eventually.” He listened to the three in the other room and then smiled when Nicky joined them, playing with his brother, sister, and father. Jon smiled as he was finishing breakfast for them all. He knew Neal was getting back into his fatherly-rhythm. Peter was, as Neal suggested, just taking things a little too out of context. He himself felt like he’d taken things out of context. He had no idea how Neal felt or how his mind was working, so he felt like he needed to trust that Neal was doing only what was necessary to help himself recover his past as well as live in the present.

“We’ll all understand in time,” Jon suggested. “I apologize for putting that thought into your mind, son. You and I both still have things to learn about when it comes to that boy and the kids.”

Nodding, Peter whispered, “I’ll admit that I can see Neal coming back a little every day. He’s… He’s much more comfortable with the kids and I can see that he’s becoming more animated and excited with them.” Sighing quietly, sounding content, he added, “If this is what it takes for him to become his natural daddy again, I suppose I could back off and ‘chill out’ like he asked me to.” Smiling slightly, he said, “If my whole Neal can come back someday, I’ll appreciate letting him handle the kids the way he needs to.” Because, in reality, he’d love to have Neal come back to him. Bits and pieces came back every now and then, but Neal was seemingly making wonderful progress with their kids. If that were truly the case, Peter couldn’t really complain. In the midst of the drama pertaining to Rachel, Peter really wanted Neal to be happy. While he knew he himself made Neal happy, he also knew that their kids were Neal’s other perfect source of happiness.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's past comes back to haunt and hurt him until he decides it's time to find closure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are slight descriptions of a past rape situation between Vincent and Neal (when Neal was underage). They're not explicit, but I still feel like it's worth mentioning just so you're aware beforehand.

Peter startled awake when the lightning snapped and thunder rolled outside. What else took him by surprise was the fact that Neal wasn’t in bed beside him. Reaching over and sliding his hand over the sheets on Neal’s side of the bed, it was apparent that he hadn’t been in bed for a while now. Immediately jumping into a panic, Peter leapt out of bed and managed to pull on his briefs as well as a robe before darting out of the bedroom to search for his husband.

The first place he looked was in the twins’ room, then Nicky’s, and then he headed downstairs to find Mozzie fast asleep on their couch. Peter’s heart was pounding because this wasn’t making sense and nothing was adding up. Where the hell was Neal? Heading back upstairs, he checked both their bedroom bathroom as well as the main bathroom only to find himself even more lost and concerned. Rushing around the house in an attempt to find his husband, he eventually paused at a window in the kitchen and saw something outside in their backyard.

Curious, Peter moved closer and could see someone lying in the grass in the rainstorm. “What the hell?” he whispered as he went to the backdoor and opened it, darting outside despite the fact that he had no shoes or at least socks on. Upon nearing the form, he could hear teeth chattering and see that the body was shaking. Crouching closer, the lightning flashed again and Peter could see that it was Neal who was lying there in front of him, clothed only in his boxers while shivering and whimpering. “Jesus Christ. Neal!” He reacted immediately and scooped his husband up from the wet grass and into his arms, holding him close. Neal’s body was cold and wet, so Peter knew he needed to get Neal inside quickly, dry him off, and warm him up.

Darting back into their home, he kicked the door closed and carried his husband into the living room where he laid Neal on the couch Mozzie wasn’t occupying. “H-Help m-me,” Neal whispered through his chattering teeth, shivering all the while. “P-Please…”

In that particular moment, Peter didn’t care that Neal was soaking their couch or the fact that he’d grabbed the blanket on the back of the couch to dry Neal. He didn’t have time to waste and he wanted to make sure Neal was immediately taken care of. “Relax, relax,” he pleaded quietly while rubbing the blanket over Neal’s skin. He gently hushed the younger man and whispered, “You’re okay. It’s okay, Neal. I’ve got you, honey.”

Mozzie stirred on the couch then and glanced at the other two men without really understanding what was going on just yet. When he finally realized something was wrong, he sat up and his jaw dropped. “What happened to him?”

“He was outside,” Peter said quickly, his breathing labored. Despite having found Neal and bringing him back inside, he was still in a slight panic because he didn’t know why Neal felt compelled to leave their bed and lie down in the grass during a simultaneous rain and thunderstorm. “I woke up and couldn’t find him. He was just lying in the grass out there.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Peter shook his head. “I’m just trying to warm him up. If he’s aware enough in a little while, I’ll see if I can get him into a warm bath—or just take him back to bed.” Mozzie watched Peter care for the man they both loved. He’d just come back into his little brother’s life and he was afraid that he’d shaken up things drastically for the younger man. “Honey,” Peter said once Neal’s shivering had subsided. He touched the side of Neal’s face and stroked his cheek gently. “Can you hear me, love?” Neal nodded minutely as he nuzzled his face against Peter’s palm. Peter breathed an immediate sigh of relief, caressing Neal’s cheek. “Are you cold?” Neal attempted to shrug and Peter managed a small smile that disappeared a moment later.

The older man checked Neal’s pulse and made sure everything else with him was all right before coming to the conclusion that Neal hadn’t suffered a bout of hypothermia nor did he seem to need medical attention. He was worried about his husband, but everything seemed okay. “Where am I?” Neal whispered.

“You’re home with me,” Peter murmured. “Honey, can I ask you a few questions?” Neal nodded and Peter took a seat on the couch in front of Neal’s stomach as Neal shifted onto his side and finally opened his eyes. “You were outside in the rain. Can I ask you why?”

Neal hesitated and looked like he was wondering the exact same thing, which seemed really disconcerting to Peter. “I was having a nightmare,” he finally answered, staring directly up into Peter’s chocolaty eyes. Peter rested his left hand on Neal’s chest and Neal lifted his own left hand to rest it over Peter’s. He looked like he desperately wanted to speak, but then he seemed to have realized that they weren’t in their bedroom nor were they alone.

Both men glanced at Mozzie and Mozzie didn’t take their need for privacy into consideration since he just sat there and waited like he truly believed Neal would open up right then and there. “Well?” Mozzie pressed, hoping that Neal would explain things to the two of them.

Glancing up at Peter again, Neal whispered, “I need to talk to you alone.” Neal looked at Mozzie quickly, biting his lip nervously. Mozzie took a moment to evaluate the situation and figured it was something pretty bad if Neal only trusted Peter with his thoughts. “Can we go upstairs?” he asked, focusing on his husband again.

“Of course. Do you want me to carry you or can you walk?”

“I’m sure I could walk,” Neal said. He tightened the blanket around himself and maneuvered himself off of the couch as Peter moved simultaneously. “I’m sorry, Moz,” he added apologetically, frowning at the shorter man who was just as concerned as Peter.

Mozzie gave Neal a kind smile and shook his head. “No worries, mon frère. Try to get some rest in your actual bed if you can.” Neal smiled weakly and nodded before heading upstairs with Peter right behind him. “Make sure he’s okay,” Mozzie suggested to Peter before allowing Peter to go with Neal. Peter nodded, intending on doing that without being asked to do so.

The second the two men were in their bedroom, Neal dropped the blanket, stripped out of his boxers, and got into some warm, dry clothing. Peter decided to do the same, stripping himself of the soaked robe he’d pulled on. He dressed himself and joined Neal on their bed. The younger man’s legs were crossed, his head was lowered, his eyes downcast, and it was visible just by looking at his shoulders that he was tense. “I’m here to listen whenever you feel comfortable telling me,” Peter said, gently encouraging his husband to speak.

“Vincent,” was all Neal managed to say and the name sounded like it was strangling Neal. He cleared his throat and shut his eyes tightly, lowering his head even more.

Tentatively, Peter gripped Neal’s chin as gently as he could and proceeded to lift his husband’s head until Neal’s eyes finally opened. Neal’s eyes were full of pain, confusion, and a little bit of fear, but they were also full of tears. “Don’t shy away from me,” Peter whispered. “There’s nothing you could ever say to me that would hurt us. You can tell me anything.”

Neal gasped as he broke down. “But it hurts _me._ ” He sobbed and Peter let him, knowing he probably needed this. Neal always knew he was more than welcome to break down like this in front of him. No matter what, Peter would always welcome Neal’s emotions and he would help Neal get through whatever issue it was that he was facing. It was obviously pertaining to Vincent, but there were several years’ worth of content that could haunt Neal to this day. The man had stolen Neal’s innocence in more ways than one, mentally and physically assaulting him.

“It’s all right,” Peter reassured him, rubbing his thumb over Neal’s lips. “There’s no hurry to talk about any of this, okay? I’m here for you no matter what, so please take your time, my angel.” Neal nodded and blinked quickly as more tears emerged from his beautiful eyes. “You’re going to be okay though. Trust me on that, sweetheart.”

“He’s dead,” Neal gasped. “I don’t understand why this hurts so much.”

Peter tried to give his husband a reassuring smile, but he couldn’t. “Neal, he did things to you that you’ll always have to live with. It hurts to remember it because you remember the hurt he made you experience.” Peter wanted to cry, to dig Vincent Adler out of his grave and defile his body, and to protect Neal all at the same time. He wanted to know where these memories were coming from. If Neal didn’t have to remember them, he certainly didn’t want Neal remembering these things. They hardly—if ever—spoke about Vincent in depth, so Peter didn’t think he was responsible for these memories and thoughts that were plaguing Neal’s mind. “Just… You know, try to keep in mind that he is dead and can never do these things to you again, honey.”

Neal nodded solemnly, whispering, “You used to say that to me a lot.” Peter seemed slightly surprised by the fact that Neal remembered those particular words, but he was also impressed. “You used to remind me that they were in prison when they were alive and that they were dead when, well, they were dead. You’ve promised me that you’ll never let anything like that happen to me again.” Peter tensed and Neal could see how uncomfortable Peter became upon his last statement. “I know I never blamed you for what happened to me in the past, Peter. I don’t blame you now either. What happened—happened. I wish I could change it for both our sakes, but… It is what it is.”

Peter opened his arms the second Neal moved and he was pleasantly surprised that Neal crawled into his lap, leaning against him. Peter wrapped his arms around the younger man and felt Neal relax into him. “I’m still willing to listen if you want to talk about your nightmare,” Peter said hesitantly. “I love seeing you calm and happy and everything like that, but I’m more than willing to be here when you’re upset, crying, and desperately in need of someone to confide in.”

“That’s what our marriage is all about,” Neal murmured against Peter’s chest. “We’re together through the good times and the bad.”

“Absolutely,” Peter whispered, lifting his hand to stroke Neal’s hair.

Neal curled up against Peter a little tighter and Peter held him, giving him the comfort he was seeking. “I think I just want to go back to sleep,” he said so quietly, sounding like a child. “I need some time to just…think. I want to get my thoughts together before I speak is all, so please don’t think I’m trying to avoid this conversation. I need to have it with you at some point.”

Peter nodded, understanding completely. “Don’t worry,” he said soothingly. “When you’re ready, I’ll be right here, baby boy.” The two men shifted around until they were comfortably lying down facing each other. Neal scooted as close as he could to the older man and tentatively threw his right leg over Peter’s. Chuckling quietly, Peter rested his hand on Neal’s hip and squeezed. “You’re adorable. Come as close as you want and get as comfortable as you need to, hon.”

Smiling at the older man, Neal nestled his head beneath Peter’s chin for a few moments before switching his position so he could rest his head on Peter’s chest and listen to Peter’s heartbeat. He rested his hand on Peter’s stomach and Peter rested his hand atop Neal’s rubbing his wedding ring over Neal’s skin. “Get some rest, my love.”

The last thing Neal whispered to Peter before falling asleep was, “Thank you for everything.”

•◊•

Around six in the morning, Peter, once again, woke up. The only exception was that Neal hadn’t gotten out of bed again and he was relieved by that. However, Neal was still awake. He was rubbing his fingers over Peter’s chest very lightly, more than likely in the hopes that he wouldn’t actually wake Peter up. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Rather than startling at the sound of Peter’s voice, Neal simply looked at him and shook his head. Peter could see the tears in Neal’s eyes and immediately knew Neal hadn’t gone to sleep at all, that he’d stayed where he was even though he was struggling internally with whatever was on his mind. “I tried, but I saw him every time I closed my eyes.”

Peter rested his hand on Neal’s lower back, focusing on Neal’s face. “I understand, honey.” He shifted closer until he could press his lips against Neal’s for a moment, giving him a small smile of encouragement a second later. “I’m here if you feel like talking now. There’s no pressure if you don’t want to though. Just keep in mind that I love you and I will always listen to you.”

“I’m just curious. How much did I ever tell you about what Vincent did to me?”

Rubbing Neal’s back, Peter answered, “Why don’t you tell me what’s hurting you right now and not worry about trying to protect me from what he did to you?” Neal bit his lip, hating that Peter could see through him so easily. “I have been here through so much, Neal. No matter what you tell me, I’m not going to run away from you.”

“But won’t you be disgusted? Some of the things I did with him were…”

“No,” Peter whispered. “Neal, you were just a teenager. He’s the monster, the disgusting son of a bitch. Everything he did to you happened because he manipulated you.” Pushing himself up, he propped himself up on his elbow and slid his hand up Neal’s body until he was gliding his fingers over Neal’s face. “I’ll never blame you for what he did. You’re innocent, Neal. He was disgusting, not you—never you.”

Neal blinked back tears, but some of them still managed to spill over. “I can remember so many times when he raped me. He took me to different places sometimes, but it happened mostly inside of the house we were living in.” Peter nodded, trying to be understanding of the situation more than anything else. Neal lifted his hands and wiped his tears away as he tried to speak despite the shakiness of his own voice. “The one instance that’s haunting me right now was in a public place where people watched.” Peter tried to refrain from cringing at the very thought of a crowd watching Vincent rape Neal. “I had to be at least fourteen or fifteen by this point, but he-he… He tied me up. He bound my wrists and ankles and put duct tape over my mouth.” He began to sob and leaned into Peter for comfort, immediately finding it as Peter wrapped his arms around him.

Peter gently hushed Neal, kissing his hair repeatedly. “It’s okay,” he said reassuringly. “I promise everything’s okay. It’s in the past and he can never do that to you again.”

Neal’s jaw tensed and he closed his eyes, trembling against Peter silently for a short while. Peter simply held him and let him cry as much as he needed to. Peter was in absolutely no position and had no desire to make Neal stop crying at any point. “I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t beg for help,” he whispered. “They all thought I was eighteen. They didn’t realize that they were watching an older man rape someone underage. They didn’t care either. They egged him on.” His breathing was erratic and Peter remained silent, listening to this horror that Neal was reliving. Neal never told him about this particular time, but he’d listen nonetheless. “He called me his whore in front of them all.” Shuddering, Neal whispered, “They threw money at me. Some of them came closer and slapped me.”

The older man couldn’t believe any of this. Of course he _believed_ Neal, but he couldn’t believe that Vincent would subject Neal to that kind of public shaming. It was bad enough that Neal had been raped within the confines of his own home at times, but this was absolutely horrible. “It’s okay,” Peter reminded him when he began to sob again. “You’re safe with me, Neal.”

“Why would he do that to me?” Neal asked angrily. “He claimed to love me and then he treated me like an animal. He raped me in front of at least a dozen other men. Why would you do that to someone you claim to love?”

Peter wished he could answer Neal’s question, but he had no idea. No one should ever have to be subjected to that by someone who ‘loves’ them. “Saying you love someone doesn’t mean it’s true,” Peter offered. “His actions speak louder than his words.”

“Please don’t ever do this to me,” Neal begged him, gripping Peter’s shirt tightly, as if it were a lifeline for him to cling to.

“Never,” Peter said immediately. “I’d never dream of doing anything like that to you. Jesus Christ. I would kill myself before considering putting you through that again.”

Neal swallowed hard and nodded, trusting and believing Peter in that moment more than he ever had. He could hear the sincerity in Peter’s voice, in his words. Everything about Peter in this moment was sincere. The way he held Neal, the way he spoke to him, the way he gave himself to Neal for comfort and safety meant so much to Neal and it actually brought him to more tears than he was already shedding. “I love you so much,” he whispered thickly. “I’m glad I can’t remember if I’ve ever loved another man the way I love you. I don’t think it’s possible.”

Peter smiled as tears welled up in his own eyes. “You’re the only man I’ve loved,” Peter whispered to him. “And I know you’ve never felt like this about anyone else before. You’ve told me that in the past and I’d hope that it still holds true.” Neal nodded. “You can trust me, my love. I never want to put you through something with the intention of causing you any kind of pain. You mean far too much to me.”

When Neal calmed himself down, he whispered, “I’m really glad Vincent is dead. He was a monster.” He had no idea how he hadn’t told Peter about this even when he’d had his memory. He struggled to suppress it for a few hours, so he couldn’t imagine having suppressed it for twenty plus years. “I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling so helpless, so…childlike. I hate crying and feeling like a piece of shit.”

“You’re not inferior, helpless, or childlike,” Peter said. “You’re very strong because you’ve survived all of this torment, pain, and suffering. You are the sweetest man I’ve ever met and had the pleasure of loving. And nothing about this entire situation comes even remotely close to being childlike.” He kissed Neal’s forehead and smiled a little despite his own tears that were finally falling. “You’re an adult and you have been for a long time, unfortunately. That monster took your innocence and made you make decisions that no teenager should ever have to make in their lifetime. For you to be alive right now, that requires a hell of a lot of strength.” Running his fingers through Neal’s hair and meeting Neal’s eyes when Neal looked at him, he whispered, “I hope you realize how strong you are. I look at you and see a man I strive to be. I look at you and see someone who’s beyond worth it. You are the epitome of strength.”

As Neal wiped his own tears away, he whispered, “You really mean that?”

Letting out a sad, watery chuckle, Peter nodded. “I’d never lie to you about any of that. Whenever I say things like that, I absolutely mean it.” Neal hugged Peter immediately after that and held onto him a little while longer. He really appreciated that Peter was with him—as his partner and confidante. In the silence, he felt slightly awkward only because he wanted to talk a little more, but Peter made him feel better and he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to continue this conversation and ruin the mood. “I can tell you have more to say. I’ll listen whenever you’re ready to talk about it,” Peter whispered moments later.

“I find it so astonishing that you can read me like that,” Neal said, awed. Peter smiled at him before pecking his lips.

“What kind of husband would I be if I couldn’t tell these things just by looking at you?” Neal sighed contentedly and brushed his nose against Peter’s lovingly, beyond grateful that Peter understood him and wanted to listen to him. Obviously, these things truly bothered Peter as well, but Peter was still so willing and open to listening without criticizing or cracking jokes—not that Neal thought Peter would do that. Cracking jokes in particular was beneath Peter when it came to this topic. “You’re everything to me. What hurts you hurts me. What makes you happy makes me happy.”

Neal tentatively unwrapped himself from Peter’s body and sat up while Peter sat up as well, his eyes focused solely on Neal. “I know you’re not a rapist and you don’t have the mentality of one, but… Do you think there’s some justifiable reasoning that could explain why Vincent felt so compelled to rape me and humiliate me whenever he did it?”

Sighing, Peter took a moment to truly consider that. He wanted to tell Neal that it was sick and cruel, but he didn’t want Neal to interpret that in some way in which he’d put himself down because of it. “To me, it’s always been a power obsession. He wanted to control you, to manipulate you, to bend you to his will. I think he knew he couldn’t do any of that until he broke you down.” Neal cringed and Peter took Neal’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb over Neal’s skin gently. “You’re not broken, Neal. I’m just saying that he did whatever it took to tear you down, to shred every ounce of self-respect you ever had.”

“Why me?”

That was yet another difficult question for Peter to answer, but he was determined to try his best to give Neal an answer. “My guess would be that he chose you because he had such easy access to you by marrying your mother and living with the two of you,” he said solemnly, hating himself for even saying that. It seemed to make a little bit of sense to the younger man though. “You’re not his son by blood, which is something you’ve told me, so you assumed it was easier for him to accept what he did to you because you weren’t really his son.”

Glancing at the pictures on the nightstand behind Peter, Neal stared at pictures of their children and whispered, “I wish that son of a bitch had a child of his own. Maybe then he would’ve treated me like a son instead of a sex toy.” Peter’s jaw tensed and Neal immediately noticed, his brows furrowing. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“He…has two children.” Neal’s jaw dropped and Peter nodded. “We haven’t talked about any of that, but maybe it’s time that you’re aware of your history with them.” Neal nodded. He wanted to hear what Peter had to tell him. “You have two brothers, technically. One is your stepbrother and the other is your…half-brother.”

Neal made a sound of disgust and whispered, “My _mother_ procreated with that monster?”

“Hang on,” Peter said. “Listen first, okay?” Neal nodded, trying to contain his anger at the fact that his own mother who had known he was being raped by Vincent actually had a child with Vincent. “His name’s Michael and you only met him a few years ago. He’s sixteen years younger than you, but he grew up hearing about you and wishing you were around.” Neal frowned, lowering his gaze to their hands. “Vincent raised him the way you should’ve been raised, hon, and Mike didn’t know about what he’d done to you. He found out from Vincent himself that you were raped and you ran away because of that.” Rubbing Neal’s hand, he added, “Mike has been on your side and he’s supported the hell out of you just like I have since finding out. He loathed his father for hurting you, for keeping you two apart for sixteen years. Vincent actually lied to him and Mike believed you ran away because of him.”

“Why haven’t you told me about him before now? Why haven’t I met him?”

Peter swallowed and whispered, “Uh… It just hasn’t come up in conversation. He’s also been kind of busy traveling with his girlfriend.” Neal nodded and sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him sooner. I could probably arrange some kind of meeting between you two when he’s around again.”

Again, Neal nodded. “And my stepbrother?”

“He’s…your ex-boyfriend.” Neal’s head jerked and he looked sick as well as shocked. “You were together before either of you realized that Vincent was part of the equation. We don’t need to get into details about your relationship with him unless you want to, but he was a real dick.”

Shaking himself to let go of the shock, Neal said, “I don’t want to hear about him. Any direct spawn from the sick fuck—” He cut himself off when he realized that that included Michael as well. Neal didn’t remember anything about Michael and he didn’t want to make any judgments about him just yet, but he trusted Peter’s own judgment about his stepbrother. “Thank you for telling me.” Peter nodded, waiting for Neal to speak again. Fortunately, it didn’t take very long. “Do you think there’s a reason I didn’t tell you about the specific things Vincent did to me? Like this nightmare I just told you about?”

“I…think you suppressed it even when you were capable of remembering it. It sounds traumatic as hell, so I can’t even imagine why you’d want to remember feeling so traumatized and humiliated.” He lifted Neal’s hand and kissed his knuckles one by one. “Thank you for telling me about it though. I’m sorry that it came back to you and both scared and hurt you.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing I remember it,” Neal whispered, meeting Peter’s eyes when Peter’s jaw dropped. “I’m not saying it’s wonderful that I can vividly see him raping me like this. It’s just… I feel like it’s better to have these things out in the open just in case something ever came up and I suddenly reacted negatively.”

Peter took a moment to consider that before nodding. “As much as I hate the fact that you remember it, I suppose you’re right. I hate him for doing such awful things to you, but it’s…helpful to know these things, I guess. I can understand you more and, like you said, I’ll understand you if there ever comes a time when you desperately need someone to understand what you’re going through.”

Neal hesitated before throwing himself at Peter, wrapping his arms around the older man. “Thank you for letting me open up to you. I don’t know how I could hold onto these horrors for so long,” he whispered.

Peter returned the embrace immediately, kissing Neal’s neck as he whispered, “You’re a very strong man. Even if I wasn’t in your life, I know you could handle it.” He wasn’t entirely sure about that given Neal’s past sentiments about wanting to end his life because he _couldn’t_ handle the trauma alone, but he truly believed Neal was a stronger man now. “I’m very grateful to be the one you tell these secrets to.”

“There’s no one I trust more with my deepest, darkest secrets than you,” Neal told him, squeezing him. “I know you won’t betray my trust or use any of this against me. You’ve always been understanding of the situation I’m in and you… Allowing me to speak about this freely helps me a great deal.”

“You deserve nothing less,” Peter told him. He waited a few moments before asking, “Is there more that you needed to tell me? I don’t want you to leave anything out if you truly need to talk. Now is the perfect time to get everything out in the open, but you know I’m always available to you, angel.”

Neal shook his head. “I pretty much explained to you what I was seeing unless you want me to talk about it with a little more depth and vividness to it.”

Raising an eyebrow, Peter asked, “Do _you_ want to talk about it in such detail?”

The younger man pulled away enough to stare into his husband’s eyes just to, once again, see his sincerity. Despite the hour at which they were speaking, Peter was still very willing to listen to him discuss this instance in which he’d been raped. To Neal, it felt so real and like it was happening at that very moment in time, but he knew it was a memory, something he must’ve really wanted to forget if he’d never once brought it up to Peter in the last several years that they’d been together. “You really wouldn’t mind if I did?”

Peter squeezed their intertwined fingers and whispered, “I wouldn’t mind at all. In fact, I’m encouraging you to do so if it helps you. This isn’t about me, my love.”

Heaving a sigh of relief that he wouldn’t need to contain these images within the confines of his own mind and relive them alone in his nightmares, he gave Peter a small, sad smile and whispered, “Well, strap yourself in because it’s going to be a long night…”

•◊•

Saturday morning was something Peter hadn’t entirely expected. He and Neal stayed awake to talk for an additional hour and forty-five minutes before finally deciding they’d talked enough and needed to get some rest. For the first time in a while, Neal allowed Peter to spoon behind him. Since he’d come back from his ordeal with Rachel and had rediscovered his love for Peter, he’d been curling himself up to Peter, lying face to face with him. Lying on his side with Peter’s body pressed against his felt very intimate and familiar to him. It was a position they’d used a lot early on in their relationship and well beyond that point.

However, the unexpected part of the morning came when they’d woken up at eleven-thirty. Neal was sitting up and Peter’s arm was draped over Neal’s thighs near his stomach. Before Peter had the opportunity to ask if Neal was all right, Neal asked, “Was there a funeral for Vincent?” Peter nodded silently, wondering where Neal’s train of thought was heading this time. “Did I go to it?”

“No,” Peter answered quietly.

Nodding, Neal asked, “Do you know where he was buried?”

“I do…”

Glancing at his husband, the younger man whispered, “Can you take me there?” Peter gave him such a bewildered look and Neal’s face heated up. “I want to see his grave. I’ve never seen it—before or after my brain was damaged. Maybe it’ll feel like closure and I won’t endure so much pain and terror when I have nightmares. By seeing his grave in person, I’ll know for certain that he’s dead and that he can never come after me to do any of those things again.”

Peter had the urge to question Neal’s intentions, but he kind of understood where Neal was coming from. When Vincent died, he’d been the killer—and Neal was aware of that. He’d killed his own rapist and he was adamant in saying that he didn’t want to attend the funeral for his own personal reasons, which Peter absolutely understood. “I…suppose,” Peter replied reluctantly. “I should let you know that your…your mother was buried beside him, according to Mike.”

“That’s fine,” Neal said nonchalantly. “I just need to see _his_ grave to know that it’s over once and for all.”

Giving in, Peter sighed. “We’ll leave whenever you’re ready to go, love.”

Neal managed to contain himself for an additional three hours, spending time with his family, playing with their children, and talking to Peter again, before finally asking Peter to drive him to the cemetery in which his stepfather and rapist had been buried.

During the car ride, Peter kept glancing over at his husband, wondering how deeply this was affecting him. He didn’t even know what to expect of Neal’s reaction once they’d arrive. “You’re worried about me,” Neal whispered as he was staring out of the passenger seat window. “I’ll be okay, Peter.”

“Even if you’re not, I’ll be right there with you.”

After arriving at the cemetery, a forty minute drive from their home, Neal hesitated. He wanted to get out and see the grave of his rapist, but he was afraid of what it might do to his mind. The last thing he wanted was to be assaulted by more horrors that Vincent had put him through in the three years that he’d endured rape. He was afraid of a breakdown even though he knew he had come with his biggest source of support and love. Hell, Nicky had offered to go with them when Neal explained what they were going to do, but he suggested that Nicky stay home and maybe get some homework done. Naturally, the teenager protested, but he eventually listened to what his father wanted him to do.

Peter watched Neal and could see how strongly he was fighting himself internally. He knew he could easily convince Neal one way or the other, but he chose to remain silent. This was something Neal needed to do. He needed to make the decision to go out there or turn around and go home on his own. As Neal’s husband, it was only his job to support whatever Neal chose to do.

The second Neal threw the passenger door open, Peter opened his own door and was quick to meet Neal on the passenger side. He stood beside Neal as Neal closed the car door and simply held his hand out in silence, waiting for Neal to take it. Neal, meeting Peter’s eyes, smiled appreciatively and intertwined their fingers, squeezing Peter’s as a silent gesture of thanks.

Neither of them knew exactly where Vincent’s grave was, so they walked around and searched for it while holding hands. Neal’s eyes were practically everywhere at once, searching and searching until they finally found two headstones that were placed close together as Peter had told him. Neal read his mother’s headstone first, sighing quietly and shaking his head. He could remember her putting him down, neglecting him, and it hurt him to relive those moments when he wished she would love him, when he felt like he could kill himself and she’d never notice nor care.

Upon slowly shifting his gaze towards his stepfather and rapist’s headstone, his heart felt like it’d frozen over. His entire body was filled with rage, despair, and self-loathing. He couldn’t contain the tears that burned his eyes and slid down his cheeks like fire. Staring at the name engraved into the headstone, he was furious. This man had taken so much from him. “Thank God the world is spared of you,” Neal hissed thickly, shutting his eyes tightly.

Peter glanced at Neal and tried to refrain from pulling Neal into his arms, but it looked like Neal desperately wanted to be held. Wrapping his arms around the younger man, Peter kissed Neal’s temple and was relieved when Neal twisted towards him and breathed erratically against him. “It’s okay,” Peter promised him. “He can never hurt you again.”

Neal allowed himself a few moments to cry before straightening up while standing very close to Peter, letting Peter keep his arms around him. They both stared down at the headstone and relief suddenly flooded Neal’s senses. “He can never hurt _anyone_ again.”

Nodding, Peter whispered, “Never. Like you said, the world is spared of him.” He held Neal, occasionally pressing kisses against Neal’s hair to remind him that he was loved and safe.

Together, they stood in front of the two headstones and contemplated a lot of things in their lives. Neal was recalling more memories, moments when both Vincent and his mother had shown their true, disgusting colors. He felt like the child his mother never wanted and like a worthless piece of nothing that Vincent had always wanted. Neal could remember feeling so lost and pained, wishing he could commit suicide. He hadn’t seen a future for himself beyond rape and neglect.

Looking up at Peter, he could clearly see his future. He and Peter would be at each other’s sides for the rest of their lives, loving each other more each passing day and raising their children until they no longer needed to be raised. Neal could see himself spending the rest of his life loving and being loved and cherished by this man. He could see himself happy because of their children, because of the grandchildren he anticipated on having someday down the road. He wasn’t eager to rush into that future, but he certainly looked forward to it.

Neal closed his eyes and nuzzled his face against Peter’s, smiling slightly as he kissed Peter’s cheek. “I’m grateful to you for showing me that I have so much to live for.”

“I’m grateful because you’re still alive,” Peter said, “to share your life with me and with our family.”

Opening his eyes, Neal pressed a kiss against Peter’s lips, whispering, “You’re my soulmate and I love you.” Peter smiled against Neal’s own lips, sliding a hand up and down Neal’s back slowly.

Pulling Neal’s body closer to his own, Peter whispered, “I love my soulmate. I’m very lucky to have found him.”

They held each other and shared a few sweet, quick kisses before separating. Neal looked at the headstones before them for a few more seconds before softly saying, “Let’s go home.” He glanced up at his husband, giving him an honest smile as he added, “While I may experience nightmares some nights, this chapter of my life is officially over. There’s no reason to fear him anymore.” Peter nodded, taking Neal’s hand in his own again, holding his hand tightly as he led Neal back to the Taurus to take him home. Neal was right—Vincent and Maryann were both dead, so this chapter of his life truly was over, never to be repeated again.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to note that there's another brief and non-explicit underage, rape encounter between Vincent and Neal in this chapter just so you're aware of it beforehand.

Neal was playing with a stress ball while Peter was working on case files in their bedroom. He was absolutely bored and watching Peter work, while it was very interesting, was admittedly very boring as well. He’d been opening up with Peter a lot lately, which was a great relief to them both, but Peter still had his own work to do. Neal wished he could work on something as well, but he wasn’t quite sure how to bring that up. Obviously, he couldn’t work for the FBI unless he redid all of his training. Even then, he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to go through all of that again or if he’d be allowed to. Since that was the case, he figured he could start over. “Peter?” Peter made a sound of acknowledgement without looking up from his laptop or his work. “Hey. Can you stop for a second and listen?”

Immediately, Peter put his work aside and closed his laptop, giving Neal his undivided attention. “Listening, honey.”

“What would you think if I said I wanted to go back to college?” Peter’s brows furrowed and Neal frowned. “Do you honestly want me to sit around here all day every day?”

“No, that’s not what I want you to do.” Turning his entire body towards Neal, he nodded and asked, “All right. If this is what you want to do, what would you go back to study?”

He glanced in the direction of their closet before meeting Peter’s gaze and said, “Art.” Peter looked impressed. “I found the art I know I used to paint. Nicky’s fantastic and creative as well. What if I became an art professor or, you know, went into business and opened my own art gallery? Nicky and I could put our art on display and run the business together, start a family business—if you will—that we could pass on.”

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you?” Neal nodded, giving Peter a small, shy smile. “If that’s what you want to do, I’m sure we could make it happen for you, my love.” He grinned when Neal jumped for joy and threw himself at Peter to hug him tightly. “Wow. You should’ve brought this up sooner if you were so interested in the idea.”

“It means a lot to me,” Neal whispered near Peter’s ear. He sat back a moment later and smiled at Peter a little more genuinely. “I really want to do something and I thought going back to get a degree of some sort would be beneficial.”

Peter kissed Neal sweetly, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers. “You know I’ll support your decisions,” Peter said softly. “And the nice thing is that we could probably look into some scholarships or grants for you as well and pay off whatever’s left of your schooling using the money you inherited from—” He paused and immediately looked as pale as a ghost.

Neal’s brows furrowed and he said, “You realize I already knew about the inheritance money, right?”

“How?”

“Nicky’s the one who started talking up college with me. He told me about the money I was given when my mother and Vincent died.” Peter nodded, looking a bit taken by surprise. He hadn’t expected Neal to know about the inheritance money and with everything they’d talked about recently, he wasn’t expecting such a mild reaction to it. “He’s going to be a junior next year, so he’s already been talking to me about looking at colleges and applying for them.”

“What’re his thoughts?”

“He seems a little torn between doing something with technology or art. I’m not trying to persuade him one way or the other at the moment because I want him to figure out what he’d like to do on his own, but we talked about art and he told me that I inspired him to work on the art he has in his room, which, by the way, is pretty amazing if you haven’t seen it.”

Peter nodded. “All right. Well, we’ll just have to see where he goes with his studies and what his interests are by the time he’s a senior and getting ready to apply to college. If you can find some information online about where you’d like to go and what you’d like to study for certain, we can visit the campus and check things out together.” He loved seeing Neal so happy and, obviously, the idea of being able to do something outside of the house and something he might actually enjoy delighted the hell out of him. “Take your time though, all right? Start looking into things when you feel like doing so and we could try to get you in some place for the next fall semester if you’re truly interested.”

Neal took both of Peter’s hand in his and said repeatedly, “Thank you! Thank you!”

Chuckling quietly, Peter said, “Honey, don’t thank me. This is your decision and, as your husband, I intend to fully support your choices.” He pecked Neal’s lips again and whispered, “I just want you to be happy with your life. If that means you want to go to college and discover some new interests or job pursuits, then by all means.”

The younger man truly appreciated that Peter hadn’t blown off his idea. He wasn’t entirely sure how it’d be received because Peter wanted to take Rachel down and her whereabouts were unknown. Perhaps he was anticipating on arresting her and having her locked up somewhere, which meant Neal would be safe again. Hopefully, things would work out before the next fall semester began because Neal was really looking forward to applying for college. He figured Peter would help him fill out an application since he did have a slight college background. He could understand concepts he learned in his various studies throughout his years of schooling beforehand, but Peter would probably have to help him make sense of things eventually when it came to college applications.

Fortunately, Peter didn’t seem opposed to that. “I really appreciate how supportive of me you are,” Neal said softly as he scooted closer to lean against Peter, allowing Peter to wrap his arms around the younger man. “I’m excited to start something new.”

“I can tell,” Peter murmured. “That’s how I know you’re serious about this.”

Neal smiled and kissed Peter’s jaw before shifting away. “Well, we’ve discussed that and you’ve made me think about some really great things. I’ll let you get back to work now.”

Peter raised an eyebrow as he smiled at the younger man. “Would you like me to let you use the laptop so you can start exploring some things?” Neal looked like he desperately wanted to say yes, but he thought Peter was using the laptop for his work, so he didn’t answer. Peter rolled his eyes and proceeded to chuckle as he retrieved the laptop and opened it, entering the password before handing it over to his husband. “Enjoy, my love.”

Like a child, Neal grinned and his eyes lit up. It was adorable and Peter absolutely loved it and wished he could always see Neal look that way. In light of all of the nightmares and memories Neal’s been experiencing, seeing him this excited over checking out college opportunities was well worth it. For the longest time, he didn’t focus on his work. He focused on how excited and dedicated Neal seemed about this. Like he’d told Neal, if this was something Neal really wanted to do, he’d support him. That was how their relationship worked. Peter always supported Neal as best he could. He’d tried to make Neal’s dreams come true whenever Neal talked to him about things he wanted. Seeing him so delighted made Peter’s heart beat faster.

•◊•

Neal writhed beneath the man above him, the man whose calloused hand was covering his mouth, the man who smelled heavily of alcohol. This man was no man, but rather a monster—and he was violating him, savoring every moment of it and grinning with each and every thrust. He had neither concern nor care for the teenager he’d chosen to fall in hypothetical love with—because, really, how could this be love in any form? While one hand covered Neal’s mouth, the other was wrapped tightly around Neal’s sex. “ _Beg me to let you come,_ ” he hissed. Neal shut his eyes tightly as tears slid down the sides of his face and dripped into his hair or the pillow beneath his head. He couldn’t respond because of the hand over his mouth and he didn’t want to make sounds simply because he didn’t want to sound like he was struggling. “ _Beg me, bitch!_ ” He didn’t seem to take into account that he was the reason Neal couldn’t speak. He just demanded that Neal say something because he was far too caught up in the thrill of sex with an underage, non-consenting partner.

Neal still refused to make any noises as an attempt to speak, so _Vincent_ became frustrated with him, lifting his hand away from Neal’s mouth to wrap his hand around Neal’s slender throat. Because Vincent had gotten so drunk, he didn’t seem to realize he was attempting to strangle the boy he claimed to love. He didn’t stop even when Neal let out a scream of agony—the best he could while he was being strangled by a man who was at least twice his size and strength.

This was indeed a nightmare, a past memory of enduring Vincent in one of his drunken stupors. Peter had gone downstairs to make himself some coffee so he could continue working on his files late into the night while Neal slept. However, the moment Neal screamed, he was racing up the stairs and darting back into his bedroom fearing the worst. There, he found Neal writhing in their bed with his own hands wrapped tightly around his throat. Neal was definitely asleep, but he sounded as if he were truly being strangled, gasping and panting, nearly pleading for help or for someone to stop.

“Baby! _Neal!_ ” he cried as he leapt onto their bed and hovered over his husband, straddling him as he tried to pry Neal’s hands away from Neal’s throat. “Honey, wake up!” he pleaded. Mere moments later, Neal gasped loudly, his eyes flew open, and Peter was able to pull Neal’s hands away before Neal managed to accidentally kill himself while asleep. Neal was covered in sweat, tears soaked the sides of his face, and he was staring up at Peter in absolute horror. “You’re okay,” Peter whispered without skipping a beat just to reassure Neal that everything was all right. He gently caressed the right side of Neal’s face, giving him a small, sad smile. “I promise you’re okay. It was just a nightmare, angel.” Neal’s breathing was accelerated and his chest heaved with each and every breath he took. Peter stared at him, waiting for him to say something, and lowered his other hand to Neal’s chest, resting it above his heart to feel how quickly it was beating beneath his palm. “I promise you’re okay,” he repeated.

Neal sat up quickly and hugged Peter. Despite the positioning they were currently in being very awkward, Peter held Neal because he knew Neal needed it. He needed that physical comfort and Peter was very grateful to be the one Neal sought that from. “This shouldn’t be happening anymore,” Neal whispered frantically. “This needs to stop before I accidentally kill myself in my sleep.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair and whispered, “Remember what you told me when we were at the cemetery?” Neal sighed and Peter knew Neal understood the connection he was going to make. “You said that it would still be a possibility that you’d experience nightmares. We both knew this was likely going to keep happening, honey.”

“I’m tired of being so damn afraid,” he murmured against Peter’s chest. “I also told you that there was no reason for me to fear him because I know he’s dead. Why the hell am I still so afraid of him? This was—years ago. _Years. Decades._ ”

Resting his cheek atop the crown of Neal’s head, Peter whispered, “Maybe it’s just your subconscious allowing things to finally come to light now that you’ve accepted his death and inability to cause you pain like this again.” He was really reaching for some answer in order to console Neal, but he honestly didn’t know how to explain what Neal was going through. He hadn’t gone through anything traumatic enough to have consistent nightmares. The most traumatic thing he’d witnessed in his life was Neal’s ‘death’ and the aftermath of the torture Neal had endured when he’d been kidnapped in the past. Aside from those instances, Peter really didn’t understand what it was like to survive decades of trauma the way Neal has. “Maybe they’re memories that were suppressed. Knowing you can trust me might, you know, be your mind encouraging the memories to surface.” Neal sighed again and Peter rubbed the back of Neal’s neck, muttering, “I know. It’s a lot of speculation on my behalf and I’m sorry that I can’t offer you anything specific or completely factual.”

Neal gently separated himself from his husband and stared up at his face. “It’s not that,” he said softly. “I just don’t like what my mind is doing to me. I’m not sleeping very well anymore—and that, in turn, means you’re not sleeping well either. I’m restless, always tossing and turning, and I wake up like this or I leave the bedroom, which wakes you up instantly now.” Peter gently caressed the sides of Neal’s face and gave him a sad smile, trying to encourage him without speaking. He wished he could better understand what Neal’s been going through, but the most he can do is watch and attempt to help whenever Neal allows him to. “I’m so sorry for being such a pain in the ass,” he said solemnly.

Deeply offended by that apology, Peter stared directly into his husband’s eyes and whispered, “Don’t you ever apologize for what you’re going through.” Neal swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes never leaving Peter’s. He wanted to hear what the older man had to say. He knew he’d been doing a lot of the talking and Peter had been doing a lot of the listening. Neal, Peter willing, was more than happy to listen to Peter voice his own thoughts and opinions regarding this particular topic. His apology seemed to hit something deep within Peter, so he was interested in hearing Peter’s response to that. “I haven’t experienced any of this the way you have, but I’m trying to get through it with you, honey. As your husband, I’ve promised to always be at your side, which means I’m not going to run away from you or become disgusted with you when you’re having a nightmare like this one. I don’t blame you for what happened and I do understand why you’re having these nightmares.” He took Neal’s hands in his own without separating their locked gazes and whispered, “I love you with all of my heart and soul, Neal. I couldn’t say that and mean it if I were to abandon you when you need me most.”

“Your patience with all of this never ceases to amaze me,” Neal responded softly, attempting a smile for the other man. “I don’t know if I’d ever be this patient with myself.”

Chuckling quietly, Peter whispered, “You _aren’t_ patient with yourself and one of us had to be.” He pecked Neal’s lips, sighing a moment later. “You’re the love of my life. You mean everything to me. What you went through was hell and what you’re currently going through is still considered hell.” Rubbing his thumbs over Neal’s hands, he glanced down at Neal’s wedding ring. “I’m not going to turn you away or leave you to deal with any of this yourself. I’m always right here for you, Neal, and I always will be. You should never have to question whether or not you can open up to me or come to me in general.”

Nodding, Neal leaned closer to Peter and gave him a very sweet, slow kiss, savoring the moment before he ended it. “That means a lot to me. _You_ mean a lot to me. I hope you realize how grateful I am to have you in my life, Peter, and I’m not just saying that I’m grateful to have you here to listen to me when I have these nightmares.”

Peter smiled slightly and nodded. “I know, honey. I know you’re grateful. I’m grateful to be in your life simply because I know how hard it could be to trust anyone after everything you went through. You trust me more than anyone else and I love that. I love the feeling of being the only person you implicitly trust.”

“I love you, Peter Michael, and I don’t know how I’d survive without you in my life sometimes.”

•◊•

Thanksgiving had come and gone peacefully. They’d celebrated as a family and enjoyed each other’s company. As per usual, Neal and Hannah had spent most of the morning and part of the afternoon in the kitchen to work on their Thanksgiving dinner since Peter had to be at work for a short while. The twins had been in and out of the kitchen for hours, tugging on Neal’s pants or the hem of his shirt to get his attention. Peter had come home shortly before dinner was prepared and found his husband playing on the kitchen floor with their twins. Nicky had been working on a school project that he wanted to get out of the way, so Neal did his best to keep the twins away from him for the time being.

Jon helped Hannah with the food when the twins distracted Neal and everything turned out just fine. Much to Peter’s surprise, Neal had even led their prayer as he did almost every year. It was amazing, in Peter’s opinion, to see Neal act so much like himself—his old self—during their dinner. Neal had always been a religious man, but that hadn’t been the case recently. It didn’t really bother Peter at all, but he could see that Neal was beginning to regain some of his faith. In a way, it was nice to see. Despite being lapsed in his own faith, he never discouraged Neal’s beliefs. Neal’s beliefs seemed to get him through some situations, so perhaps his spirituality would help him through these nightmarish nights as much as Peter tried to help Neal.

When Black Friday came, Peter was dismayed by the fact that he was assigned to play the part of a police officer trying to control the mass of people waiting to overflow into stores Friday morning. Every year, Peter informed himself of how insane human beings can be and that was proven very well on Black Fridays. Unfortunately, he had to work and attempt to control the masses rather than stay at home with his family and that was rather tiring, trying to keep everyone happy and make sure everything was taken care of properly. Fortunately, he hadn’t been trampled or accidentally killed. He’d stopped a few fights throughout the day and only came away with a few bruises, but the day proved to be rather simple. He was still able to go home and live another day.

Expecting to take a nap the moment he’d gotten home, he knew Neal was upstairs folding their laundry, so he decided he could probably coerce Neal into napping with him. The twins were napping, Nicky was in his bedroom, and Hannah and Jon were out for a while on a date that the entire household believed was absolutely necessary. Peter went upstairs to greet his husband and hopefully take a nap with him. As soon as he pushed the door open, he was pleasantly surprised to see that Neal had other things in mind.

Lying on his side on their bed, Neal was dressed only in a robe that barely covered his chest and his very lacy, black lingerie. His legs were bared and he had a brilliantly seductive smile on his face that definitely touched his eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you to come home, handsome,” he whispered. Almost as if on cue, Peter was hard as a rock and his jaw dropped as he stared hungrily at the man who oh-so-clearly wanted to make love with him. Despite being as tired as he was, Peter realized that it’d been a couple weeks since the last time they felt comfortable making love. Naturally, Peter understood that it had to do with Vincent and he hadn’t pushed, but he’d never lie and say he didn’t miss the feeling of Neal’s skin against his. Raising his eyebrow and looking a little nervous, Neal asked, “Um, are you going to join me?”

Peter realized then that Neal had suddenly become insecure with his lack of verbal response. He’d physically responded—very much so—the second Neal spoke, but he was wearing loose-fitting pants today, so it wasn’t as obvious. “Hell yes I am.”

Neal’s face lit up when Peter began to take his jacket off. “Good,” he murmured. Before Peter could reach for his belt, Neal interjected, “Leave your clothes on.” Peter raised an eyebrow at him and Neal winked. “Believe me when I say I’ll have you uncovered in due time, my love.”

“Oh, so you’re going to dress like that and proceed to tease me?”

The younger man chuckled and motioned for Peter to join him on the bed once Peter removed his shoes and socks. Peter crawled onto the bed and laid on his back, letting Neal hover over him. “Have I ever told you how incredibly gorgeous you are?” he asked as he lifted his right hand to stroke Peter’s hair while smiling down at him. “Because, if I haven’t, let me tell you right now that _damn._ You are the most attractive man in my life.”

Peter grinned up at Neal and turned his head enough to kiss Neal’s wrist. “You flatter me.” Lifting his hand to hold Neal’s hip, he asked, “Is it wrong if I’m curious to know what prompted all of this?”

“I figured you’d ask,” Neal muttered. He sighed and added, “Basically, I want to thank you for always being here for me when I need you—and when I don’t need you, too. I want to thank you for choosing me to be your husband and your soulmate. I want to thank you for being a father with me, for raising children with me.” Sliding his hand down to Peter’s chest, he rested his hand above Peter’s heart. “I want to thank you, above all else, for being my savior and protector. Even if the threat is invisible, you’ve never stopped saving me. You’ve supported me through a lot and I truly appreciate everything.”

Peter was taken aback by Neal’s sincere explanation. It touched him and made his heart beat erratically because he was so overjoyed to have helped Neal as wonderfully as Neal had just described to him. “Honey, I love you. You don’t have to thank me for any of that—verbally or physically.”

Neal began to plead with his eyes then and Peter couldn’t help smiling because he found his husband so adorable. “Please let me thank you though. Besides, it’s been a little while since the last time we made love and I think it’s about time we started making love again. Don’t you agree?”

“I’m ready if you are,” Peter whispered, leaving the final decision to Neal. It was Neal who was going through all of the aftereffects of rape, so it was Neal who needed to decide the pace at which they moved in their relationship. They’re a married couple who is deeply in love with each other, so Peter didn’t think they would have any issues or thoughts regarding a separation of any kind. Their sexual relationship had no bearing on their romantic relationship.

Nodding, Neal initiated a kiss, a slow and savoring kiss. “Always ready for you,” he whispered against Peter’s lips.

While the kiss lasted for what felt like forever to both men, Neal managed to slowly and seductively undress the older man in the meantime. He glided his fingers over Peter’s bare chest, toying with Peter’s nipples and tracing over scars Peter had acquired through his line of work. The scar his fingers lingered over the longest was the scar over Peter’s heart, the scar over the wound that nearly took Peter from him.

Both men breathed erratically as Neal removed each and every article of Peter’s clothing until every inch of him was bared for Neal to see. He proceeded to kiss nearly every inch of Peter, starting with his temple, his forehead, the remainder of his face, down to his neck, his arms, his chest, his stomach, and then he finally reached Peter’s lower half. “Now I know exactly how you felt when I tormented you like this,” Peter said breathlessly. “Dear God. The things you can do simply with your kisses drive me wild…” Neal grinned before sticking his tongue out and slowly gliding it along the underside of Peter’s cock, running it directly over the prominent vein. “Oh, Neal…”

Peter stripped Neal of the robe he was wearing, running his hands wildly over Neal’s bare back after pulling Neal up to kiss him desperately. He grinded his body up against Neal’s and remembered then that Neal was wearing lingerie. He reached to grab them and yank them off, but Neal pushed Peter’s hands away and said, “Slow down, tiger. We’ll get to that eventually.”

“But I need you now,” the older man whined, eliciting a small chuckle from Neal.

“This is the one time you’re not patient with me,” Neal teased. He slid down Peter’s body and let Peter moan and groan as he pleased—both from the frustration of not having Neal’s body just yet as well as the physical pleasure he was receiving. Neal dragged out the whole process before finally taking Peter’s cock into his mouth, sucking on him luxuriously. Peter immediately reached out and tangled his fingers in Neal’s hair, but he didn’t pull on the strands. To Neal, it felt like Peter was grounding himself to the situation and taking in the fact that it was the man he loved more than anything whose mouth was around him. Peter loved Neal’s mouth, loved feeling it on him and around him as well as watching it move when Neal spoke or ate.

Peter was thoroughly enjoying this, but he had the feeling that Neal was simply going for oral sex and avoiding any other kind of sex. As he neared his climax, he figured Neal was definitely going for an orgasm right now and they both knew he wouldn’t be able to go a second round right away. Gently tugging on Neal’s hair, he said, “Hon, stop.” Neal, confused, lifted his head and furrowed his brows. “Do you want to make love?”

“Oh, definitely,” Neal said eagerly. Peter pursed his lips and Neal’s eagerness slowly dissolved. “Why would you think that I didn’t?”

“No reason. I’m just getting kind of close and I’d rather spend more time inside of your body if that’s okay with you.” Neal nodded and gave his husband a small smile. “Can I please remove your lingerie now?”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal asked him, “Do you not appreciate it?”

“Of course I do!” He grabbed Neal’s ass and slowly massaged the lacy fabric of the lingerie that occasionally exposed Neal’s warm, soft skin. “You look gorgeous in lace. I kind of don’t want to take it off of you, but I really want to make love with you, honey.”

Chuckling, Neal nodded again. “All right. I suppose you’ve waited long enough.” He shifted around to help Peter remove his lingerie and then watched Peter throw the lingerie across the bed. Neal was taken by surprise when Peter flipped them and he began to suck at Neal’s neck. “Hey!” he said breathlessly. “I’m supposed to be pleasuring you.”

Peter gently nipped Neal’s skin and muttered, “It’s always so much more than that between us.” Neal closed his eyes and wrapped his arms and legs around his husband, allowing himself to simply feel the pleasure Peter was giving him externally. He liked the way Peter was nipping at his neck and he absolutely loved when Peter traveled up to the sensitive spot near his ear and sucked on it. Tentatively, Peter’s right hand made it ways towards Neal’s mouth. Fortunately, Neal didn’t seem to hesitate at all and began to suck on Peter’s fingers, knowing their task was to open him up and prepare him for Peter.

In a matter of minutes, their bodies connected for the first time in weeks. Since Neal’s nightmares had become severe, the need and interest for sex had decreased, but it hadn’t vanished. Neal needed Peter like Peter needed him. What was perfect about all of this was that Peter had never once put pressure on him. Since Neal hadn’t once brought up the idea of making love once all of his nightmares became worse, Peter hadn’t thought to mention it either. The connection they had to each other meant far more than anything else, including their sexual relationship.

The sounds they made brought them together, but their kisses solidified the connection between their souls, their minds, and their bodies. Their bed shook as Peter thrust into his husband as much as he possibly could without causing injury to the younger man. He wanted their lovemaking to be powerful, memorable, but it was never his intention to scar Neal with the idea that Neal was being raped. This was just his physical way of showing Neal he loves him, so hurting him in any way at all was the furthest thing from his mind. “I love you,” Neal whispered as he pressed kisses against Peter’s jaw. “So much, Peter. So much.” Tears were sliding down the sides of Neal’s face and Peter felt like he should consider giving this a break, but he took the time to look at Neal as he was making love to him.

Neal’s eyes, his beautifully azure and perfect eyes, were focused on Peter. The look in his eyes conveyed a deep level of trust, trust that Peter wouldn’t hurt him and that Peter would know exactly how to take care of him if he surrendered himself to Peter. While his eyes conveyed trust, they also conveyed love that Peter absolutely admired. Neal’s eyes were the most honest part of his body, the most open and astonishing as well. Whenever Peter stared into Neal’s eyes, he could see whether Neal was lying to him or not. This close in proximity and in the midst of their intimacy, he knew that Neal truly, deeply loved him. Neal’s eyes told Peter everything he ever needed to know about the way Neal feels. His eyes were silent, but they conveyed the most emotion.

“You know I love you just as much,” he whispered, pressing his lips against Neal’s, gently kissing him. “God knows how much I love you…”

Sliding his arm beneath Neal’s body, he carefully lifted the younger man slightly off of their bed and rocked against him, listening to him pant, watching the tears slowly slide down his face. Once again, he had the sudden urge to stop himself and make sure Neal was all right, but, once again, he found himself drawn to Neal’s eyes and they were the only reassurance he needed that this was all right, that Neal sincerely trusted him and wanted this as much as he did.

When Neal arched his back and cried out in the midst of his orgasm, Peter’s name escaped his lips like a prayer. His arms were wound around Peter’s neck while his legs were around Peter’s midsection, but he held on tightly just to keep the connection between their bodies. Even as Peter reached his own orgasm and similarly whispered his husband’s name, their bodies remained connected. Peter lowered Neal onto the bed and hovered over him, panting as he stared at him with a small, genuinely content smile on his face.

“I love your smile,” Neal told him, returning Peter’s smile. “The way it touches your eyes and lights up your whole face… It’s breathtaking.” Blushing furiously, Peter looked away for a moment, but Neal guided Peter’s face back to him and added, “You’re embarrassed by that?”

“No, of course not,” Peter said hurriedly. “I love your compliments. I’m just… I’m not used to hearing you describe me that way.”

The pain that suddenly bombarded Neal’s expression made Peter cringe. “You’re saying I don’t compliment you? You think poorly of yourself because I—?”

Peter silenced Neal with a kiss and muttered, “That came out wrong and I apologize for that.” He sighed and rephrased himself. “What I meant is that I’m used to describing you so beautifully. You compliment me and I love your compliments, like I said, but I’m just… I don’t know. You’re the beautiful one here.”

Neal looked as if Peter had grown a second head and Peter’s faced heated up even more. “Don’t you dare ever say that again.” Peter, taken aback by the sudden fierceness in Neal’s voice, gaped at his husband. “You have your own opinion of me and you consider me beautiful. Don’t you ever forget for a second that I think you’re the most gorgeous and handsome man in my life. For all intents and purposes, you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, whether you like that description or not.” He lifted his hands to stroke the sides of Peter’s face. “You’re perfect to me. You’re physically attractive with a wonderful personality and everything else in between that makes you who you are.” Lifting himself to kiss Peter’s chin, he whispered, “Never tell yourself that you’re not as beautiful as me—for any reason at all. In my eyes, you are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever come across and I thought that would be considerably obvious since we’ve been married for four years and together two years longer than that.”

“All right,” Peter conceded, flipping them over casually so he could lie on his back with Neal above him. “We’re both beautiful.”

Neal grinned at the older man. “I’m so glad we’re on the same page.”

Rolling his eyes, Peter wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist. “You always bring me up to speed when I’m behind.”

Pressing sweet kisses against the older man’s lips, Neal tried his best to make Peter understand that they stand on equal ground. He’s never seen himself as being better than Peter in any way nor could he ever imagine acting like that. To him, Peter was everything. Well, almost everything since their children are extremely important parts of their lives that they cherish. “What do you say I bring you up to speed one more time?” he asked quietly. Peter, curious, raised an eyebrow at him. Neal nodded towards the bathroom and said, “Come on, handsome. I know you can manage another round if I excite you enough.”

Peter chuckled and rolled his eyes again. “Sometimes, you’re insatiable.”

“Take that as a compliment,” Neal murmured as he pressed one last kiss against Peter’s lips before disconnecting their bodies, grinning like a boy as he slid off of the bed and nodded towards their bedroom bathroom. His eyes and smile screamed contentedness and Peter didn’t think he had it in him to disappoint Neal, especially when he looked so damn giddy.

“You’re a brat, but I’ll give you one more round if you promise to let me get some rest afterwards.” Neal, grinning all the while, backed himself towards their bathroom and licked his lips while raising his eyebrows seductively, tempting and teasing Peter to hurry up. “I’m gonna get you,” Peter said playfully as he shifted around quickly and slid off of the bed, darting after Neal who let out a quiet, happy cry as he ran into the bathroom with Peter chasing him.

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal the moment he caught him and kissed Neal’s neck as Neal turned the shower on. He enjoyed the giggles he was eliciting from the younger man with each and every kiss he pressed against Neal’s skin. He loved the sound of laughter when it came from Neal and it encouraged him to keep doing whatever he was doing if it continued to make Neal laugh. Moments like these were everything to him.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal makes a decision that Peter doesn't agree with.

Peter sat at his desk in his office and waited anxiously for Neal to email him back. He’d, unfortunately, been asked to come into work early again and he felt really guilty for leaving Neal, for making it seem like their night together had been a one night stand of some sort. He’d never done anything like that before, but it suddenly felt like he’d cheapened his experience with Neal by almost immediately running out on him. They’d made passionate love in their bed and then proceeded to make love in the shower as well. Not even an hour after they’d crawled back into their bed and considered trying a third round, Peter had been called in. Typically, after making love, Peter preferred to cuddle with Neal. It was his way of reassuring Neal that their relationship was stable, that he loves Neal beyond words, and that their relationship was far more than the love they physically made. Almost immediately having to leave Neal made his heart sink and he felt anxious simply because he hoped Neal didn’t feel like Peter abandoned him or was making an excuse to get away from him after ‘getting what he wanted.’ It definitely wasn’t like that between them and Peter desperately hoped he didn’t give Neal the impression that Neal was only good for sex.

The moment his email pinged, he was refocused on his computer and immediately opened Neal’s email. “ _Don’t worry. I feel just fine and you know I understand. I certainly don’t feel like it was just fun and done between us. You’re a better man than that._ ”

Sighing in relief, Peter responded: “Good. I was so afraid that you’d think I was walking out on you after all of the very passionate love we made. Everything was fantastic, but I don’t want you to think the physical aspect means more to me than anything else.”

A few moments after Peter sent his reply, Neal had responded once again. “ _Never._ ” He put that in bold and underlined it to emphasize the sincerity Peter couldn’t see through the screen as Neal wrote the email. “ _I know you aren’t like that and I’m not that fragile either, my love. We’re both adults and husbands. Your job is demanding and I know how hard it is for you at times. I don’t think so poorly of you or your intentions with me, so please don’t do that to yourself, okay? I love you, Peter._ ”

Peter was very grateful to have such an understanding husband. Considering that, he imagined how grateful Neal always was because he tried to be as understanding as humanly possible. Sighing contentedly, beyond relieved that Neal was absolutely all right, he sent another email to his husband. “Thanks, honey. I love you very much. I can’t wait to come home to your beautiful face.” He paused for a moment and glanced at the digital clock in the right hand corner of his computer screen. It was almost five-thirty and he had every intention of making a quick escape, if possible, to head back home and take Nicky to school. Neal, however, hadn’t gone to sleep yet. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep? I’ll wake you up and take you out to lunch when I drop Nicky off after school if you’d like. I’m assuming right now that I’ll be here late, but I’d like to have lunch with you.”

Before Neal could send a response, Peter was called away from his desk. Hughes had asked him to come into his office, so he did just that. “Close the door,” Hughes said as soon as Peter entered the office. A bit bothered by the tone of Hughes voice, Peter slowly closed the door. He was slightly afraid of what Hughes was going to say to him. He’d been doing his work to the best of his ability and he’d actually been going to work, so he was desperately trying to find the problem. “I have a highly sensitive proposition for you regarding our case with Rachel and information I’ve just received from Interpol.” Hughes gestured for Peter to take a seat and Peter did, waiting for Hughes to continue. “Interpol has informed me that Rachel, using her Rebecca Lowe alias, has returned stateside.”

Peter’s eyes widened and he immediately said, “She’s within our jurisdiction again. Can we track her movements and bring her in?”

“That’s where my highly sensitive proposition comes in,” the older man said solemnly, frowning at Peter. “I know your immediate response will be along the lines of ‘no way, no how,’ but you need to consider it an option.” Anxiously, Peter waited to hear about whatever it was that Reese had in mind. He’d do anything at this point to bring Rachel in. She needed to pay for what she’d done to Neal. “I’d like to use Neal as bait to draw her out.”

“Do you have _any_ idea as to how much she put him through?” Peter asked incredulously. “Not only did she kidnap and rape him, but she forced him into an involuntary prostitution situation. What she did to him could even be considered human trafficking because she was making a profit off of him by letting others have sex with him!” Reese tried to calm Peter down so he could further explain his idea, but Peter wasn’t having it just yet. “And don’t even get me started on her methods of torture. My husband lost so much of his life because of that monster! And you want me to use _him_ to draw her out? Do you realize how difficult this situation could be? Not only is it endangering his physical well-being, but his mental and emotional well-being is going to be jeopardized as well!”

Reese put his hands out and said, “I understand where you’re coming from, but—”

“No,” Peter snarled. “No, you don’t. You’re not the one who’s had to help him rebuild his confidence in his marriage, in his ability to be a daddy. You’re not the one who witnesses him going through a nightmare, which turns out to be some suppressed and torturous memory from his past. Seeing her in Paris caused him to experience a panic attack. Seeing her again and being used to draw her out is absolutely unacceptable.” Reese sighed and let Peter go on a tangent because he knew Peter had been struggling with Neal for quite some time. Whatever Neal struggled to get through, Peter struggled with it as well. “I refuse to let you use him as bait, especially when she could kidnap him again. I have spent _months_ trying to rebuild our relationship and his view of himself. I will _not_ let you or anyone else put him in danger.”

“Are you done?” Peter huffed his annoyance and opposition to the very idea of bringing Neal this far into their operation. He barely wanted Mozzie to help Neal out because he was so damn afraid of what could happen to Neal’s mind if he remembered more about what he’d gone through prior to losing his memory. He was afraid of the way Neal would look at everything he’d done after he’d lost his memory. Neal was disgusted by the things he’d done, but Peter always tried to tell him that he wasn’t at fault. “Asking your opinion on the matter at hand was actually a formality.” Peter tensed and refused to turn around when the door suddenly opened behind him. “Shut the door, please.”

Peter absolutely refused to look at the newcomer in the office. He already knew who it was. He could sense the trepidation and hesitation. “Peter—”

“Don’t you dare say another word,” Peter hissed.

Behind Peter, Neal was terrified. He didn’t realize Reese was going to talk to Peter immediately and he honestly wanted to be the one to talk to Peter about this. While he’d been emailing Peter back and forth for a short while, he’d also been on the phone with Reese, who’d called him to ask him if he’d be willing to participate in their operation and draw Rachel out. He’d agreed within moments of being asked. He wanted to do anything he possibly could to get Rachel put away for good. In all honesty, he wanted Rachel to die during this operation. “Peter, he’s willingly accepted to assist us.”

Neal swallowed hard as he watched Peter’s tension intensify. He wasn’t even looking at Peter’s face and his heart was aching. He was waiting for Peter’s reaction and he had the feeling that it wasn’t going to be good at all—not that he’d thought it would be a good reaction at all. He knows Peter better than that. Peter’s very protective of him and wants to keep him out of harm’s way, but he was putting himself right into the middle of things. Peter definitely wouldn’t approve and he knew that. “I need to speak to my husband.” Glancing over his shoulder to barely look at Neal, he firmly said, “ _Alone._ ”

Peter stood up abruptly and brushed past Neal, opening the door and leaving quickly. Reese watched Peter head towards the interrogation room and sighed. “Don’t let him make the decision for you. I know how he feels about you, but you’re your own person, Neal. No matter what he says, remember that you have the final say in whatever you want to do.”

Neal nodded and tentatively made his way to the interrogation room, walking past the windows that allowed him to see into the room. Peter was fuming at the center, hunched over the table angrily. In that moment, he could see Peter’s unbridled fury and it was evident that Peter was trying to get himself under control before Neal came in with him. When Neal finally decided for himself that it was moderately safe to enter, he went around the corner and hesitantly pushed through the glass doors. “Peter…” Neal whispered, staring at his husband desperately. He wanted Peter to understand his position on all of this, but, truthfully, he’d already heard Peter’s half of the argument. After all, he’d been standing right outside of the door when Peter reacted to Reese’s proposition.

“I am beyond pissed,” Peter said firmly, sounding like his jaw was tense. “After everything, all of my explanations and attempts to protect you, you still throw yourself into the fray.”

“Because I want this to end. I want our family to be safe again. I want you to be safe.” Peter slammed his hands down on the desk and Neal flinched. “You’re not my master, Peter. I was asked a question. I was asked if I wanted to be a critical part in her takedown. I wasn’t ordered to, but I really want to do this.”

In that moment, Neal actually found himself moving away from Peter. Peter flipped the interrogation table over in his rage and that frightened Neal. Peter had never intentionally and willingly hit him before, but Neal had the sickening feeling that that fact was about to change because of how much he’d angered his husband. “You’re way over your head in this now,” he growled. “You shouldn’t have been involved like this and I’m furious with Reese for calling you and asking you to do this without asking for my opinion first.”

After making a sound of disbelief and finding the courage to speak freely even though Peter was evidently very angry, Neal snapped, “Why do you believe your opinion is far more valuable than my own? Am I not the victim? Am I not your husband?”

“What the hell is the connection between being the victim and my husband?”

Neal was frustrated by the fact that Peter had completely ignored his initial question. “She did this to me, hurt me. She hurt us and our family. As my husband, I expected you to at least see some reason here.”

Finally turning to look at his husband, he could see the tears welling up in Neal’s eyes. He was furious with Reese, but he was also furious with Neal as well for agreeing to Reese’s proposition. He wished he’d been informed of this whole thing at least. It wasn’t that he believed his opinion mattered more than Neal’s and he was pissed that Neal even thought that, but he wanted it to be well known that he wouldn’t put Neal in danger, that he refused to watch Neal suffer if he had an adverse reaction to her presence.

“You expect me to see reason in intentionally endangering yourself?”

“I can make my own decisions,” Neal said tightly, his own jaw clenching as he tried to refrain from actually crying. “You don’t own me. I know you want to keep me safe, but hiding me away from reality doesn’t help me, Peter. Knowing I helped partake in the effort to destroy her will do me some good and ease my mind.”

Peter charged towards Neal and gripped his shoulders tightly, making the younger man cringe. “Do you not understand the depth of my love for you? If I allow you to put yourself out there where she can easily target you and take you away from me, I’ve not only failed as an FBI agent assigned to this case, but I’ve failed as your husband who has always promised to keep you safe if I’m able.” He didn’t realize that he was squeezing Neal’s shoulders until Neal jerked out of Peter’s grip. “I love you and I don’t want anything to happen to you. If you do this, the possibility of losing you is… It’s unbearable.”

Pleading with Peter, Neal whispered, “You need to let me make my own choices. You told me that you’ll always be supportive of me, so just be supportive. I trust you to do your job as both an FBI agent and as my husband.”

The older man wasn’t satisfied with Neal’s decision nor did he want to allow Neal to put himself willingly into this situation. He found it to be incredibly dangerous and didn’t want Neal anywhere near it. Despite his claims that they were equal, that Neal had the right to make his own choices, and that he’d always support Neal, he desperately wanted Neal to back down in this case. “Tell Reese you won’t do it.”

“No,” Neal said adamantly as a tear escaped and slid down his cheek.

“Tell him you’re not going to put yourself in danger, Neal.”

“No,” the younger man repeated.

Peter stared at his husband in disbelief. “Do you honestly want her to destroy you?”

“If we catch her and bring her down, she won’t destroy me.” Before Peter could say anything, he added, “I know you’re afraid of how I’m going to react to being around her again, but you need to understand that my mind isn’t that fragile. I’m not a weakling. I can handle this.”

The older man wanted to challenge Neal’s statement, but he pursed his lips instead. He stared at Neal and could see the determination and defiance in his eyes. Neal was going to do this whether he agreed with it or not. His mind wasn’t connecting with his mouth in that very moment, however, because he said something he never even considered saying to his husband. “If you do this, I will file for a divorce.” Neal’s entire demeanor changed. His eyes widened and filled with more tears, his jaw dropped, and his entire posture slackened. He looked so hurt by that ultimatum and uncertainty crossed his features then. “I’m not going to keep doing this if you’re willing to risk your life.” Again, Peter was speaking without thinking and he didn’t realize he’d said these things either.

Neal nearly fell to pieces, crumbling to the floor, but he refrained from doing so. He straightened his posture and looked determined as he whispered, “Then I guess we’re getting a divorce because I’m not backing out.” His voice shook, but it was as clear as day that he was sincere about partaking in their operation. “I have every intention of ending her life during this operation. Whether you’re there to see it or not isn’t my concern. I’m doing this for myself and for my family.”

Immediately thereafter, Neal spun and left the room. As soon as the glass door swung to a close, Peter burst into tears of his own. He realized what he’d just said, what he’d implied. He fell to his knees and sobbed because he didn’t want to divorce Neal. He had absolutely no intention of going through with that threat, but he figured he must’ve said it in order to intimidate Neal, which he now realized made him no better than Rachel—or Vincent and Craig for that matter. He’d used a fear tactic that would hurt them both and it hadn’t worked. Neal was stronger now and he felt like an ass for implying that Neal wasn’t strong enough to do this, that he wasn’t able to take care of himself.

Sitting in the room alone, he realized how much damage he’d done to their relationship in only a few minutes. He’d, essentially, destroyed their marriage and threatened to abandon Neal if Neal did what Neal wanted to do. Neal was right though. He doesn’t own Neal and Neal can make his own decisions.

Speaking thoughtlessly had more than likely ended the only good thing he’d ever had. He’d ruined his marriage and his family in a matter of minutes and he wasn’t sure if even he’d be able to fix what he’d broken.

•◊•

Considering the way the morning had gone, Peter wasn’t surprised that Neal went home and locked himself in their room, that he wasn’t interested in lunch when the time came, and that he ignored Peter the moment Peter came home. Nicky didn’t know the particulars, but he knew something happened between them—something very bad. They hadn’t spoken to each other, interacted with each other the way they usually do, and they seemed like they were avoiding each other as much as possible. A few times, he caught his poppa trying to talk to Neal, but Neal ignored him and walked away each and every time.

Now that he was sitting in his room late at night, he was wondering what the hell happened this time. He crept out of bed, out of his bedroom, and stood in the hallway, pausing when he heard his fathers’ voices. “Neal, you know I didn’t mean what I said. I was angry and hurt and…and… I didn’t mean it.”

“Of course you meant it,” Neal snapped. “If you didn’t want it in some way, you wouldn’t have even thought about saying it.” There was a pause between them and Neal took a deep breath before stammering, “And you didn’t even take into account how much that _cut_ me. I wasn’t hurt by your ultimatum. I was cut—repeatedly. The more I thought about it, the more it felt like you were cutting into my skin, into my heart.”

“I know what I did and I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I wish I could take it back.”

Up to this point, Nicky was still utterly confused. He knew Peter had a habit of saying stupid things that pissed Neal off, but he didn’t know what it was that Peter had said just yet, which left him very curious as well. “Well, you said it. Get the papers and I’ll sign them if that’s what you want.” Papers? Nicky wondered what Neal meant by that. What was Peter asking Neal to sign?

“Do you honestly think I want to divorce you?” Peter asked incredulously. Nicky gasped quietly and his heart ached when he even thought about his parents divorcing. He thought they were absolutely perfect together and he hated the idea of them not being together anymore. “I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose you, to be away from you… Honey, you know I love you to death. I would do anything and everything for you. All I want right now is to keep you safe.”

Scoffing, Neal remarked, “So, by keeping me safe, you’d threaten divorce? That was a dick move on your part and I don’t even know if I want to try to make amends with you after that. If you’re so quick to jump to the idea of divorcing me, then perhaps that’s what you really want.” Nicky heard his poppa sniffle and knew that Peter was trying to fix things between them. He really hoped Peter could say something that would resolve all of this quickly because the last thing he wanted was for them to separate. “I’m not your pet or your slave, Peter. You can’t just order me around and expect me to bend to your will whenever I do something you don’t agree with.” The more Neal spoke, the angrier he sounded and the louder his voice became. “I’m your God damn _husband_ and you _promised_ you’d support me! Is _this_ how you intend to support me?” Neal’s voice became very thick, sounding like he was crying, which he was. “You’re so pissed at me for wanting to do the right thing, for wanting to do something helpful and beneficial, but then you turn on me and threaten me! Please tell me again that you’re here to support me and love me no matter what, you fucking liar!”

Jon and Hannah emerged from their bedroom to find Nicky covering his mouth in the hallway. “Go split them up,” Hannah said urgently to her husband. She went to her grandson and pulled him close, kissing his hair. “It’ll be okay, sweetheart. They’ll be okay in the end.”

“I didn’t lie to you when I said those things,” Peter insisted. “I will support you no matter what you decide to do, Neal.”

Jon went down and put space between the two men who continued to argue even as he asked them to calm down. “Is that before or after you _divorce_ me?” Neal cried. Both Jon and Hannah were as stunned as Nicky had been upon hearing that word emerge from their mouths. No one in the household had actually ever believed the two men would consider divorce considering all of the things they’d been through together as a couple. It seemed almost impossible to imagine them apart.

“I don’t _want_ to leave you!”

Several minutes passed and it was back and forth arguing, slandering, and absolutely vicious assumptions. Neal was tired of Peter treating him like a child, of making him feel inferior and like nothing he ever did was right or worthy. Eventually, it was damn near close to becoming physical. Neal lashed out and Jon barely had enough time to stop him before he struck Peter. “Han! I need help!”

Hannah kissed Nicky’s hair before heading downstairs to help her husband get their sons under control. Peter wasn’t becoming as violent as Neal, but it seemed like he’d be all for getting into something physical with Neal in that moment. To Jon, it almost felt as if it’d been a long time coming between the two of them. He had high hopes that they would never resort to that though. Neither of them were abusive men and they did love each other very deeply despite the heated argument they were pursuing right now.

Jon took Neal—since Neal had been the one getting violent—into the dining room and Hannah escorted Peter upstairs, where Peter realized how much Nicky had heard. The teenager was crying and turned away from Peter to head back into his room, slamming the door shut. “I need to talk to him,” Peter whispered desperately.

“No,” Hannah said. “You need to clear things up with Neal before you even try to explain to your baby what’s going on. You and I are going to talk about a few things before anything else.” Peter sighed, giving in as his mother led him into his and Neal’s bedroom, seating him on the edge of the bed. He knew she had questions and he wondered how disappointed she’d be in him once he explained the situation.

Downstairs, Jon was staring down at Neal who had seated himself in one of the dining table’s chairs. He was shaking and his eyes were closed. His jaw was clenched and his hands were balled up into fists. “You need to calm down,” Jon said quietly. “Calm down, Neal. This isn’t you. I know you’re hurting right now, but let’s talk about this, okay?”

Neal broke down and Jon was there for him to hold onto, burying his face against Jon’s chest as he sobbed. “He threatened to divorce me,” is what Jon interpreted from Neal’s shaky, thick voice. “I wanted to help him. I agreed to help him and he told me he’d divorce me if I went through with it.”

“Okay,” Jon conceded. “All right, son. What are you trying to help him with?”

Jon stroked the side of Neal’s face while cradling the back of the younger man’s head. “His boss called me and asked me if I could help them bait Rachel out of hiding,” he said. “I went to the bureau and didn’t realize he was telling Peter right then and there. Peter was furious and we tried to talk about it alone, but he made me so damn angry. He’s overbearing and controlling and overwhelming… I can’t take it. I can’t sit here and let him make my decisions for me anymore.”

“You’re absolutely right.” Neal, stunned, looked up at his father-in-law. He hadn’t expected Jon to agree with him. Peter’s his son after all. “You’re as much an individual as he is. You have every right to make choices yourself and I will personally tell him that for you.”

Neal rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “I’ve told him repeatedly that I want to do things. I don’t want or need his approval.”

Jon nodded and stroked Neal’s hair slowly, soothingly. “Good. You’re a man all on your own. You shouldn’t need his approval.” He and Hannah had gone through similar situations before and he had listened to Hannah tell him how controlling he’d been at times and he regretted that fact as well as the fact that Peter seemed to be following completely in his footsteps. He’d been a hothead with Hannah in the past when she’d wanted to do things he didn’t approve of, but he’d learned to recognize her individuality and freedom. For the longest time after Peter had been born, he’d believed Peter wasn’t his biological son and that’d upset him. He’d been so depressed by the idea that his wife may have been cheating on him and he really had no basis for that belief. The night Hannah asked if he didn’t mind if she went out with a few friends, he’d accused her of cheating on him, of having another’s man’s baby. They’d argued until he finally calmed down. Hannah pointed out similarities between Jon and Peter’s appearances while comparing their baby pictures and she’d asked him how he could even think such a ridiculous thing. She loved Jon—the same way Neal and Peter love each other.

“I don’t understand him,” Neal whispered. “Has he always been like this with me?”

“He’s always been considerably protective of you,” Jon said in response. “In the end, he’ll understand your side of things, Neal. Just give him a little time to think things through.”

As more tears slowly slid down the sides of Neal’s face, Neal murmured, “Is he going to leave me?” Jon highly doubted that Peter would ever do that. He had all the faith in the world that their relationship would be just fine eventually. They’d made it through hell and back together, so he didn’t think either of them was capable of separating at this point. Separating over Rachel wasn’t worth it. “No,” Jon assured him. “Just breathe, okay? I’m sure mom’s upstairs talking to him. The next time you two speak to each other, I’m sure it’ll be calmer.”

“I hope you’re right,” the younger man whispered as he buried his face against Jon’s chest. He loves Peter very much and he didn’t want to consider what his life would be like without Peter in it. He didn’t want to think about Peter not coming home to him, not cuddling with Peter on the couch while they watched a movie together, not sharing a bed with Peter… For the first time in quite some time, he admitted to an extreme weakness and insecurity he’d felt before all of this had happened to him. He’d felt like this before meeting Peter and he’d always been afraid of it since he’d fallen so deeply in love with the older man. Turning his face slightly, he said, “I’m afraid to be alone.”

•◊•

Shortly after midnight, Neal heard the door open behind him. He’d gone outside after he’d finished talking to Jon and he’d just sat in the grass, staring up at the stars and praying that Peter wouldn’t walk away from all of this. He felt absolutely terrible for the fight, for almost getting physical with his husband, but he couldn’t imagine how awful Peter probably felt since he’d been the one to even suggest divorce in the first place. “Is it okay for me to sit out here with you?”

“Yes,” Neal whispered. His eyes were closed and his head was lowered. He’d been crying for at least fifteen minutes because he was truly afraid that Peter wouldn’t love him anymore, that he’d leave him. He knew he could probably live without Peter, but he already felt the crippling agony at the very thought of being without his husband.

Peter lowered himself to the grass beside Neal and stared at his face. His heart ached when he saw the tear tracks running down Neal’s face. He hated making Neal cry. All he wanted to do was wipe his tears away and promise that he’d make everything better. He was pissed at himself for causing this, but seeing Neal like this pissed him off even more. “I’m so sorry that I’ve hurt you so much,” he apologized, wishing that Neal would open his eyes and look at him. The silence between them was killing him. He wanted Neal to say something, even if he was still very angry with him, but he was afraid of pushing Neal’s limits right now.

Breathing deeply for a moment or two, Neal finally lifted his head and opened his eyes, looking at Peter sadly. “Is our marriage over?”

The way Neal sounded in that moment made Peter want to throw himself at Neal and sob until he couldn’t sob any more. Instead of throwing his opinion into this, he decided to let Neal decide. “You tell me. I’m the one who’s been hurting you repeatedly.” As much as it pained him to admit this, he said it nonetheless: “I would understand if you wanted to leave me.”

Neal stared into Peter’s eyes silently for nearly a minute before shaking his head. “I love you beyond words and understanding,” he whispered. He was messing with his wedding and engagement rings. In his solitude outside, he’d desperately hoped that he wouldn’t have to remove his rings. “I don’t want to be without you. I feel dead inside just thinking about it, Peter.”

Tentatively, Peter reached his left hand out towards Neal and he was grateful for the fact that Neal took it and intertwined their fingers. “I am sorry for the way I’ve treated you. I know I’ve been an asshole and I know I’ve been controlling. I…support your choice to take part in our operation.”

“Do you or are you just saying that?” Neal asked quietly. “I don’t want you to pretend it doesn’t bother you.”

“It makes me anxious,” he admitted, “to know you’re going to be out there and so very close to her again. I don’t want to see you hurt, honey. It’s never been a matter of me thinking you’re incapable of doing these things. I’ve just…” He trailed off, seeing the depth of Neal’s sadness in his eyes. He mind raced, going back to the night Neal told him that he was a rape survivor, to the day he’d rescued Neal after Craig had kidnapped him, to the day he’d rescued Neal from Vincent and Craig, as well as a few other moments in between where he’d seen Neal fall to pieces for one reason or another. “I have seen you in so much pain,” he whispered, anguished. “I don’t want you to be in pain anymore.”

Neal nodded, knowing Peter could remember each and every instance in which Neal had been hurt in what he assumed was an array of situations. “I understand that. I’m sorry for…for…” He sighed and looked away, but Peter squeezed his hand gently, encouraging him to speak his mind. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Between the rapes and kidnappings and everything we’ve been through as a couple… And now my memory loss…”

Shaking his head, Peter lifted Neal’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “No matter what, I have always wanted to be here with you. I wanted to be the one to save you, to prove that you’re lovable and valuable.” Neal looked at him then with newly shed tears glistening on his cheeks. “I didn’t mean it when I said I would file for a divorce. I don’t know why I said it, Neal… I married you with every intention of staying with you.” He gave Neal a small smile and added, “The moment I met you, I had this feeling that only proved to intensify as time went on. There was something special about you and I knew that the moment you caused a coffee catastrophe in the break area. When I looked into your eyes, I think I knew then that we were destined to be together.”

Neal managed a sad smile as well and whispered, “I remember feeling mortified for making such a mess and then I looked at you… I suddenly felt so much—I don’t know—calmer, more at ease.” He scooted closer to Peter tentatively and leaned his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I don’t want a divorce.”

Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s skin and nodded. “I promise we’ll never divorce—unless you suddenly fall out of love with me.”

“You’re stuck with me until the end,” Neal whispered, closing his eyes. Peter was watching him, but his eyes were tired after all of the crying he’d done and was still doing. “My whole heart and soul belongs to you and the kids. If I lose any of you, I lose part of myself.”

The older man kissed Neal’s hair and smiled a little more genuinely, extremely relieved that Neal had seemingly forgiven him. More than that, he was glad Neal didn’t want to be rid of him. “I feel exactly like that,” Peter told him. “You and the kids are my babies. I can’t live without all of you—especially you.” Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s shoulder and loved the way Peter chuckled quietly. “You’re everything, Neal. You’re the reason I’m happy, the reason I have kids, the reason I know exactly what love is like.”

Neal sighed quietly and whispered, “I get the feeling that I wouldn’t be here right now to have this conversation if not for you.”

“Well, the kids and I have managed to persuade you that your life is worth living. Once you stopped attempting suicide, things were better. You found reason to go on and I’m happy to know that I’m part of that reason.”

Opening his eyes and tilting his head enough to look up at Peter, he said, “Thank you for always being by my side. I know I do and say things that infuriate you and that you disagree with, but thank you for helping me through everything.”

“Love isn’t a matter of always agreeing with each other and never having arguments.” He lifted Neal’s hand once again to kiss his knuckles. “Love, as I’ve found out with you, is in making things work to spite our arguments and disagreements. It’s getting through those things because we know what’s important.”

Neal closed his eyes again and smiled, squeezing Peter’s hand a little tighter. They were both quiet for a few minutes, enjoying the cool breeze and near silence of the night. While Neal was slightly afraid to disrupt the peace and quiet between them, he felt compelled to ask, “Are we going to be okay?”

Peter nodded as Neal looked up at him. “I promise we’ll be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. As always, thank you for your support and for reading this story. I truly appreciate it. Also, I have a little bit of a request since I'm kind of stumped at the moment. I'm trying to think of something to write for Christmas, but I've got nothing thus far. I'd like to ask if you have any ideas or requests? It can be related to this series or completely unrelated, like last year's Christmas fic. If you have any ideas, feel free to comment about it! Thank you!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter struggle to work things out after their most recent fight.

A few days after Neal and Peter had their huge argument about whether they’d be divorcing or not, Nicky waited until Peter wasn’t around for a little while before approaching Neal who was sitting outside. The outside had become the most frequent place he was in. As it was getting colder, Nicky hoped Neal wouldn’t do this anymore. He was welcome in the house, but he purposely chose to seclude himself by going outside. From what he’d gathered, Neal and Peter were sharing their bed, but they were having difficulty showing affection. They had a hard time showing that affection in front of their family now as well. Nicky wanted to know from Neal if things were really going to be okay or not.

Nicky didn’t say anything as he sat beside Neal in the grass and neither did Neal. The only thing Neal did was lift his left hand and wipe away his tears before taking a deep breath and looking at his son. “Hey, Nicky.”

“Hi, daddy.” He scooted closer until he could lean against Neal. Neal, in return, wrapped his arm around Nicky and let him sit as close as he wanted. He closed his eyes and listened to Neal breathe. Neither Neal nor Peter had neglected their children’s needs since their argument, but it was very obvious to Nicky that things were still tense between them. The twins didn’t care as long as their fathers gave them the attention they wanted.

“You came out here to ask about poppa and me, didn’t you?” Neal asked softly, kissing Nicky’s head before resting his cheek against him. Nicky murmured something quietly and Neal closed his eyes as well. “Things will be okay. They’re just really hard right now, but we’re not separating.”

Nicky was relieved to hear that, but he wanted to know what was keeping them together since there had been a threat of divorce in the first place. “Are you guys staying together because of me and the twins?”

Neal didn’t hesitate to say, “No.”

“What’s keeping you together then?”

Sighing, Neal whispered, “I know it didn’t seem like it the other night, but we do love each other a lot, Nicky. We both said things we didn’t mean in order to hurt each other.” He rubbed Nicky’s side and added, “I’m really sorry. I know I instigated things that night. I was in a really bad mood because of him and being around him didn’t make things any easier.”

Nicky nodded. “Are things any easier now…?”

Neal sighed again and sat up. Nicky sat up as well and looked up at his father concernedly. A sigh hadn’t been what he was expecting when he’d asked his father that question. “It’s honestly hard for me to tell with him sometimes.” Clarity hit Neal for a moment and he looked down at Nicky. “Don’t worry about us. Poppa and I aren’t going to separate. I know that’s important to you, kiddo.” He had to take a step back and realize that he was, once again, telling his son perhaps too much.

“Can I ask one last thing?” Neal nodded, preparing himself for whatever Nicky’s question was. “Since that night, have you guys had sex?” Neal raised an eyebrow and his eyes didn’t give away whether they had or not. Nicky stared at him and was intent on hearing Neal’s answer even if Neal felt that he shouldn’t talk to his son about his sex life. “The sooner you answer, the sooner I’ll let it go.”

“No.”

“No as in you aren’t going to answer or no as in you haven’t had sex?”

“No, we haven’t had sex.” Both of them sat in silence for a few moments before Neal looked away. He was hurting and it was very evident. Nicky watched him bite his lower lip until it bled because he was trying to control himself. He kept blinking as if he were going to cry and that hurt Nicky’s heart. The teenager never liked seeing his father upset for any reason at all. “He kisses me in the morning and before we go to bed, but that’s it.”

Wishing he could comfort his father, Nicky took Neal’s hand in his. “It’ll be okay soon, right?”

Turning towards Nicky, Neal asked, “Do you think it’s a bad idea for me to help him? Hughes asked me to be their bait to draw Rachel out and poppa didn’t agree. That started all of this.”

Nervously, the teenager took a few moments to consider that. After living with both of them and watching them argue and show their affection repeatedly, Nicky felt like he understood both sides of the argument. He understood why Peter was upset with Neal, but he could also see why Neal wanted to help out. “I don’t know, daddy. I just know he cares about you a lot and he doesn’t want anything to happen to you.” Pausing for a moment, Nicky whispered, “I don’t want anything to happen to you either.”

Neal understood that and he appreciated that his son was honest with him. He wished he knew what to do. Peter had given in and said he supported him, but Neal still felt so uncertain. While Peter admitted that he’d be anxious about all of this, he had said he’d support Neal’s choice. Now that Neal was given the opportunity to choose with Peter partway on board, he wasn’t entirely sure what he should do. Yes, he wanted to be there to bring Rachel down. On the other hand, he didn’t want to destroy his family. He didn’t want to hurt his relationship with Peter and he didn’t want Nicky to be afraid of something happening to him. “Maybe I’ve just been selfish all this time,” Neal said sadly. “I haven’t taken poppa’s feelings into consideration. I just… I want to be there and do whatever I can to help him.”

“Just do whatever feels right. No matter what, I’m sure you guys will find a way to get through this.” Nicky sounded so sure, so positive that things couldn’t possibly get any worse than they were right now. To Nicky, it seemed like Neal and Peter truly wouldn’t leave each other. Neither man honestly wanted that separation, but Neal considered that perhaps they’d been overwhelming each other. Peter overwhelmed him with his controlling and protective nature, but perhaps he’d overwhelmed Peter with all of his nightmares and with having to help reconstruct his memory.

He hated thinking that wanting to help wasn’t the right choice, but he hated the very thought of allowing Peter to put himself at risk. If he could draw Rachel out without tipping her off that there were several FBI agents surrounding them, he could have the easiest part of the entire operation. Assuming she didn’t want to kill him, luring her out and having her arrested—or preferably killed—wouldn’t end terribly. If she had it out for him and wanted to end his life, he could see the threat and exact reason why Peter was anxious. What the hell was he supposed to do if he couldn’t help Peter bring her down without risking their lives or feeling useless?

•◊•

“You’ve been…quiet,” Peter whispered into the darkness of their bedroom. Neal hadn’t gone to sleep yet and, evidently, neither had Peter. “A lot lately,” he added. “Can I ask why?”

Steeling himself to avoid crying, Neal whispered, “What do you want me to say?”

Peter propped himself up and stared at the form lying in front of him, facing away from him. “I don’t _want_ you to say anything,” he said firmly, watching Neal curl up into himself and pull the pillow closer for comfort. Even in the darkness, he could see his husband’s insecurity. Calming himself down, he scooted closer to Neal, pressing himself against the younger man tentatively before kissing his shoulder. “Are you unwilling to talk to me?”

“It goes both ways, Peter,” Neal said. His voice cracked when he said his husband’s name, but he cleared his throat and continued on. “We decided we weren’t going to divorce, but it feels like we’re drifting apart nonetheless. I tried to hug you yesterday and you ignored me by saying you had to do the dishes or something equally much less important than trying to fix our relationship.”

Sighing, Peter nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Neal huffed and turned to lie on his back. With the moonlight shining into their bedroom, Peter could just barely make out Neal’s face, but he knew Neal was looking up at him. “Tell me why you’re not willing to even _hug_ me when I try to initiate one with you.”

“It’s not that I’m unwilling to hug you…”

“Then what is it?” Neal asked, his voice full of desperation. “I’m trying to understand you and I’m trying to be normal, but you’re making it very hard for me to do either of those things. You need to _want_ to talk to me.” Hesitating, Neal whispered, “If you don’t want to be with me or if you don’t love me anymore, I wish you’d just say so.”

“Of course I love you and want to be with you. Don’t be ridiculous.” Neal shoved Peter moments later and threw his blanket off of himself, sliding out of bed. Peter gaped as Neal grabbed his robe off of the back of their bedroom door. “Where are you going?”

Neal hesitated after his hand rested on the doorknob. “To be with someone who _wants_ to love me without being difficult.” He threw the door open and walked out, pulling it to a close quietly. Peter sat in their bed in silence for quite some time, debating on whether or not he wanted to see what that meant. Jealousy panged inside of his heart then at the thought that perhaps Neal had a secret lover who showed him more affection. Leaping out of bed, Peter went out into the hallway and heard two quiet voices. “Can I stay in here with you?” That was Neal’s voice.

“Of course, daddy,” the other voice whispered.

Peter’s heart ached. Neal went into their son’s bedroom to crawl into bed with him. Of course he knew Nicky loved Neal almost as much as Neal loved Nicky, but he really wished Neal hadn’t walked out of their bedroom when he thought they were having a decent conversation. In fact, he’d been hoping to talk about what was going on between them. He just hadn’t known how to start the conversation. Evidently, he did know how to fuck it up. Reflecting on what he’d said, he realized calling Neal ‘ridiculous’ for thinking Peter may not truly love or want to be with him had hurt Neal. Of all of the things he could’ve said, he’d ridiculed Neal voicing his thoughts, for giving voice to his insecurity. “Peter, you’re a fucking idiot,” he whispered to himself, closing his eyes as he listened to the noises in his son’s room. Neal was settling into bed with Nicky and he was sure they were curled up together. He was pretty sure this was also giving Nicky the impression that things were getting so much worse between them and he wanted to make things better before they got to their breaking point.

It’d never been his intention to push Neal away and he realized he’d inadvertently been doing that. Brushing off Neal’s hug had been the catalyst this time. To Neal, that hug would’ve meant everything if he’d returned it. By ignoring it and going about his day without really giving it a second thought, he realized he’d hurt Neal deeply. A hug may be such a simple gesture of affection, but, between them, it was so much more. Peter now regretted that he hadn’t taken two seconds to hug his husband. He didn’t even know why he’d turned it down. Watching Neal leave their room and go into their son’s room to spend the night with him… That hurt. It seemed like all they were doing lately was whatever they could to hurt each other back and forth.

Well, he wanted that to end.

The following morning was a Monday morning. Peter hated Mondays in general, but he hoped that he’d enjoy this Monday more so than the rest. He was getting dressed as though he was going to work, but he’d already called in and requested for the day off. He’d informed his parents of the plans he made for the day and they encouraged him as long as he promised to think before he spoke. They knew Peter’s heart had a way of messing with his filter at times and they both were aware of the problems between their sons.

As soon as Neal came downstairs, fully dressed in casual clothes and his robe, hair disheveled and absolutely adorable, Peter tried to contain his excitement and hopefulness. “Good morning.” Neal stopped dead as soon as he walked into the kitchen and found Peter at their coffeemaker. He felt like absolute shit and had cried himself to sleep as soon as Nicky fell asleep, so he wasn’t expecting Peter to seem so cheery. Seeing the puffiness in Neal’s face, Peter’s mood fell considerably. “Honey, I’m so sorry.” He moved away from the coffeemaker and tentatively neared Neal. Neal remained silent, his eyes on Peter. “I know I fucked up. I would’ve left if I were you, too.”

“I’m not in the mood to talk right now,” Neal whispered, putting his arms up between them and twisting away when Peter tried to wrap his arms around him and kiss him. He wasn’t into making up this way. He wanted to clear the air without sex or kisses.

Peter nodded, backing off. “I have something I want to ask you.” Neal sighed, but he gave Peter his attention. “Will you go back upstairs and get dressed?” Confused, Neal’s brows furrowed. “I’ve…arranged to spend the day with you, assuming you’re not opposed to it.” Neal didn’t react positively or negatively, so Peter had no idea how to take that. “We need to talk about a lot of things. I think we need to have this conversation outside of the house, somewhere we can be alone for a little while.”

Neal seemed slightly intrigued by that and nodded minutely. “You aren’t going to work then?” Peter gave Neal a small smile and shook his head. “What do you have in mind?”

“Go get dressed. After I drop Nicky off at school, I’ll tell you more.”

Nicky, upon coming downstairs to find his fathers both dressed and waiting for him at the door, was both afraid and curious. He didn’t know what was going to happen after they dropped him off at school and he was afraid of possibly coming home to one of them leaving. His daddy had come into his room to spend the night with him, so that already meant things weren’t going well between them. He figured Peter had pissed Neal off only because Neal held onto him as though he needed some kind of lifeline. He’d returned his father’s embrace and held him, too, letting him know through the silent gesture that he’s loved and always welcome. Perhaps Neal came to him because he wasn’t getting that love and welcoming embrace from Peter. “What’s going on?” Nicky whispered to his daddy as Peter headed out to start up the car.

“I’ll let you know when I find out myself,” Neal whispered back to him.

Peter had tossed a bag into the backseat before getting into the driver’s seat. Nicky slid into the back and Neal got into the passenger seat. Curious, Nicky glanced at the bag and tried to figure out what the contents of it may be without actually opening it. It seemed like there wasn’t much in it, but he still wanted to know what was going on. Were they going to look for a separate apartment for one of them? Was Peter taking Neal away? He had so many questions race through his mind then and he didn’t know what to think. He still wouldn’t know what to think until one of them told him exactly what was going on.

By the time they’d dropped Nicky off at school, he hated the fact that he didn’t know what was going on. Neal gave him a reassuring smile even though he was a little intimidated by not knowing what Peter had in store for the day. He’d taken off from work to spend the day with him and said they needed to talk, but he didn’t know where Peter was taking him.

He let Peter drive them in silence, keeping his gaze lowered to his lap. He kept messing with his rings, terrified to even think about taking them off for any period of time. Peter startled him by reaching over and taking his left hand, intertwining their fingers. “Stop worrying,” Peter whispered to him even though there was no reason to keep himself quiet. “Assuming I can refrain from being an ass today and tonight, perhaps you’ll like me a little more later.”

They arrived at what looked like a very wealthy home and Neal had the distinct feeling that it was familiar in some kind of way. He nervously exited the car when Peter did and Peter reached out to take his hand again, which Neal gripped immediately. He stared at the large house as they crossed the street and was instantly surprised by the fact that Peter just walked in like he owned the place. “Peter, this is breaking and entering,” he whispered anxiously.

Peter gave him a small smile as he led his husband inside. “We’re entering, but we’re not breaking in. I have permission to be here.” Neal swallowed hard and trusted that Peter wasn’t going to get them arrested. He followed Peter up the flights of stairs until they came to another door. It also felt strangely familiar to him, but he couldn’t understand why. “Do you know where we are?” Peter asked him when he pushed the door open and led him inside.

Instantly, memories rushed through Neal’s mind. He could remember watching his toddler race across the floor from this exact spot and head into the room straight ahead of where he was standing. He could remember sitting at the table to the left, eating birthday cake with his child. He looked at the terrace beyond that and could remember Peter dancing with him, smiling at him affectionately. Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes then and he looked up at Peter. “This is where we lived. This was our old apartment.”

Peter nodded and whispered, “Come with me for a second.” Neal willingly followed Peter over to the table. It was small, but it obviously meant something to Peter if he wanted Neal to be near it with him. He positioned Neal so that Neal’s back was towards the wall behind him and Peter stood in front of him, tentatively wrapping his arms around him, kissing his neck. “Right here is where I first kissed you,” he whispered. “If I could recreate that moment, I would take my time with you…” Neal pulled away and looked up into Peter’s eyes before wrapping his arms around Peter’s waist.

As much as Neal wanted to discuss their problems, Peter was obviously trying to point things out to him. “Take me back to that day,” Neal said softly. He let Peter kiss him sweetly, slowly, holding him close. With this kiss, they took their time. There was no neediness, no urgency, and no desperation. This was the same spot in which Peter had officially come out to Neal and was asking him for help, asking him how to be out of the closet like Neal had been. It was where he’d admitted Neal was what he wanted without having to say it aloud.

Neal could feel his mind working to recall this memory and it was working for the most part. He’d moved his hands up to tangle his finger’s in Peter’s hair as he’d done the day they’d had their first kiss.

Referencing his life with Elizabeth, the lie he’d been living, Peter had told him, “ _It’s not what I want._ ”

“ _What_ do _you want, Peter?_ ” Neal had asked him. Peter leapt up from the chair he’d been sitting in, the chair that was right there. He’d leaned over the table and kissed Neal urgently, crushing Neal’s lips with his own, his hand curling around Neal’s neck. Neal hadn’t resisted the kiss one bit and he really wasn’t surprised by that now that he was reflecting on it. Peter was an easy man to fall in love with. Despite the fact that their kiss was quite beautiful and slow in the present, Neal could remember the rush that had gone through his body when Peter abruptly kissed him. Upon pulling away then, Neal had told Peter, “ _Nobody’s ever kissed me like that before._ ”

Much to Neal’s astonishment, Peter’s response had been, “ _I’ve never kissed anyone before._ ” At that moment in time, Neal had been extremely confused. Peter had been married, so he had to have kissed his wife at least once, right? No matter how much he’d ‘kissed’ his wife, she hadn’t ever received a true kiss from Peter as Peter went on to explain that, “ _To me, a kiss is a sign of passion, of desire. I could never feel like that with El._ ”

Hopelessly in love with the other man and truly believing he couldn’t be loved by said man, Neal had asked, “ _But you do with me?_ ”

Peter hadn’t hesitated to tell him: “ _Yes. Yes, I do._ ”

Everything that happened after that kiss became a blur to Neal, but he realized he’d been crying even as his kiss continued with Peter. It took his breath away to think that he’d been Peter’s first _real_ kiss. Their present kiss only broke when they needed to breathe. Neal kept his fingers tangled up in Peter’s hair and Peter ran his hand up and down Neal’s back, pressing his forehead against Neal’s. He desperately hoped this memory had come back to Neal because Neal would understand then. “I was your first true kiss,” Neal whispered as the tears continued to slide down his face. He didn’t even know why he was crying, but he didn’t feel the need to stop. “You wanted me then.”

“You were,” Peter whispered, gently pecking Neal’s lips. “And yes, I did.” Neal carded his fingers through Peter’s hair, his eyes closed. He could feel his love for Peter back then and he could feel how much it had changed since that moment. In that moment, he’d been desperate for someone to love him, to understand him, and want him. He honestly hadn’t cared if Peter only wanted him for sex, but he was truly grateful that Peter wanted him for so much more than that. “No matter what happens or what’s said between us, I will always want you,” he said. He opened his eyes to see the tears on Neal’s face and the temptation to wipe them away nearly consumed him. Instead, he kissed Neal’s tears, whispering, “Always. I don’t want to be without you. I don’t know how to not be in love with you anymore. I’ve loved you since the day I met you.” Neal nodded, knowing Peter meant that. Despite his doubts that Peter actually wanted to stay with him, he could feel that Peter was sincere when he spoke. “I even remember the date as if it were yesterday—January twelfth, six years ago.” Neal cried a little harder and tried to kiss Peter again, but he failed to maintain any sense of composure.

The fact that Peter remembered the exact day he’d fallen in love with Neal made him so much more emotional. The day they’d met had changed both of their lives. Despite all of the downs in their relationship, there were so many ups to outweigh them. “I don’t want anyone but you,” he whispered, his voice thick.

Peter kissed Neal’s cheek and whispered, “I’ll never leave you.” He hugged Neal tighter and sighed contentedly, appreciating that Neal could understand why he was doing this. “I loved you that day and I’ve only come to love you so much more since then. I haven’t for a single moment ever _not_ loved you. And next month will be the seventh year in which I’ve loved you.” Neal wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and tried to calm himself down as he listened to Peter’s voice. “I know I say some pretty awful and thoughtless things to you, but I have never stopped loving you. Like I said, I don’t know how it feels to not be in love with you anymore. To me, it feels like my life officially started the moment I met you.”

Neal opened his eyes and pulled back, looking up at Peter with a small smile despite the tears in his eyes and on his face. “We both say stupid things to each other,” he admitted. “I’m no less at fault for any of our problems than you.” Before he would wipe his tears away, Peter was there to kiss the tears and their trails. Neal closed his eyes and let Peter kiss his tears away. “Thank you for giving me this memory,” he whispered. “It means a lot to me.”

Smiling, Peter kissed Neal’s nose and then his lips. “Don’t thank me. You made that memory with me. You deserve to remember it just like I can.” He stared at Neal’s face and waited for Neal to open his eyes again. Peter couldn’t help the fact that his heart skipped _at least_ two beats when Neal gave him a much more genuine smile that touched his eyes. “If you ever have moments when you feel like I don’t love you, just think about that moment—among whatever other memories you have of us. I have always loved you.” He took a deep breath before saying, “I’m aware that saying I’m sorry won’t fix everything, but please give me another chance. I don’t want you to give up on us, Neal. You are everything to me even if I act like an asshole.”

“I forgave you that night,” Neal whispered. “I didn’t want to separate then and I still don’t.”

Peter nodded. “As long as you still want to be here, nothing will tear us apart.” He made it a point to insist that Neal’s feelings mattered to him, that he’d respect Neal’s decision to continue loving him or to stop loving him. No matter what, he loves Neal enough to do the right thing depending on the situation. If Neal wanted to stay with him, nothing had to change. The only thing that could result in a divorce between them was Neal falling out of love with him. Truthfully, he didn’t want to believe that it was possible for Neal to not love him.

•◊•

Much to Peter’s delight, they’d spent their entire day in that apartment, talking things through, making decisions together, and discussing their future. They both came to an understanding on each other’s viewpoints and Peter discussed safety precautions they would take with Neal when they put him out in the open where Rachel could easily target him. He promised Neal that nothing would go wrong, that he would be covered from every angle. Neal would be wearing a bulletproof vest when the time came for them to draw Rachel out. It was just a matter of tracking her down and figuring out her patterns, determining where she would likely go in order to plant Neal there for her to find. As much as Peter didn’t like the idea, he knew he would protect Neal this time around. Rachel wasn’t going to get away with what she’d done to them, to Neal.

Peter didn’t like the idea of putting Neal in danger, but he reassured himself that FBI agents would be swarming the area to protect Neal. Being right there to protect Neal himself made him feel better as well. He wouldn’t be right beside Neal, but he’d be close enough to get to him quickly if things went south.

Speaking of things going south…

Neal came up for a breather, staring into Peter’s eyes. He licked his lips and gave Peter a sly smile before lowering his head, licking around his husband’s very erect erection. At first, neither of them felt comfortable having sex, but Neal convinced Peter that it would be making love. He wanted to connect with Peter and Peter didn’t exactly want to deny him that—he also wouldn’t deny that he wanted that connection as well. “Come up here,” Peter whispered to him. Neal grinned and slid up Peter’s body slowly until he was face to face with him, hovering over his husband on the bed—the bed they’d first made love in.

Despite the fact that this was now Mozzie’s apartment, Mozzie had helped Peter arrange this. He’d allowed Peter to use the apartment for their ‘extracurricular activities’ as long as Peter cleaned up every ounce of them when they were done. He hadn’t been in the house to watch them argue or listen to what they were saying, but he figured Peter desperately needed a way to fix things if he were asking to go back to the apartment to hopefully bring back some of Neal’s memories.

“Hi,” Neal whispered, smiling at him. His eyes lit up and his body was hot, ready for Peter.

“Hello, my beautiful man,” Peter said, lifting his hand to brush Neal’s hair back. He loved when Neal’s hair was disheveled like this. It made him so much more attractive. Because they’d both been working together as FBI agents, Peter had gotten used to seeing Neal’s hair looking very prim and proper. Their lovemaking always proved to make Neal’s hair so much more appealing to Peter.

Neal straddled Peter and kissed him slowly. He rubbed himself against Peter’s cock and hoped Peter would take him and make passionate love to him. They’d resolved their issues for the most part before getting involved with sex, so it was a great relief to both of them, knowing that this wouldn’t be the thing that fixes their relationship. They’d talked for quite some time and it was very necessary. Peter reassured Neal that he loves him so much more than Neal could ever imagine and things had only gotten better the more they talked. “Love me,” Neal whispered against his lips.

Peter chuckled quietly and whispered in return, “Always.”

After taking his time preparing Neal, they’d connected. It felt wonderful and neither of them realized just how much of a relief it was to finally be together like this and not feel afraid of the other man walking away. Neal bounced atop Peter, whose hands were sliding up and down Neal’s arched back, and he moaned his pleasure. Peter made him aware of the fact that they were in this house alone, so Neal had the ability to be as loud as he wanted, and he reassured Neal that Jon and Hannah were going to pick Nicky up from school and take care of the kids while they spent the night in their old apartment. Needless to say, in this moment, he wanted to take advantage of that. He made sounds of pleasure, of pain, of need, and of love without containing himself. He simply allowed himself to be in the moment without considering that Peter’s parents or their children were nearby.

Eventually, Peter flipped them over and thrust into his husband, sliding one arm beneath him to hold him close, pressing their sweaty chests together so he could feel Neal’s heart beat against him. He kissed Neal’s jaw, his neck, and then shifted back up to Neal’s lips, swallowing up his passionate cries and taking them into his very being.

The moment they’d finished, Peter collapsed on top of his husband and breathed heavily. He wished he’d been slower and less forceful, but Neal had insisted that Peter give this his all—and he had. Neal had even screamed his name—quite literally _screamed._ Breathing against Neal’s neck, Peter felt weightless, but that wasn’t exactly the case since he was lying on top of Neal.

“I think that was the best sex we’ve had in a while,” Neal said breathlessly. “If I’m _not_ pregnant, I’ll be shocked.” Peter chuckled and kissed Neal’s neck before nuzzling his face against him. “Can I ask how you feel?”

“Like I could never, ever love another man in my life if I tried,” Peter whispered.

Neal lifted his left hand to card his fingers through Peter’s sweaty hair, smiling down at him. “I wouldn’t let you,” he said softly. Peter slid his hand up to grip Neal’s free hand, intertwining their fingers. “You mean too much to me.”

Peter pushed himself up enough to kiss Neal slowly. He felt like he could fall asleep that very moment, but he wanted to make sure everything was okay. The last thing he wanted to do was fall asleep on Neal when Neal was in pain, upset, or feeling some other kind of way that Peter wanted to prevent. “I’m very happy,” he admitted. “I’m happier because we _are_ okay now.”

“I’m happier now, too. You said we’ll always be okay and I believe you,” Neal whispered. Peter nodded, closing his eyes despite the fact that he was really struggling to stay awake. Hell, he was still inside of Neal and Neal wasn’t protesting or trying to get him to separate their bodies. “Go to sleep, sleepyhead.”

Peter smiled and murmured, “I love you. Promise I’ll show you more tomorrow.”

Neal made a sound of acknowledgement before attempting to pull the blanket over them. It took some effort, but Peter seemed aware enough to help him. He even shifted to rest his head on Neal’s chest. Their fingers were still intertwined and Neal’s left hand was still tangled up in Peter’s hair. “I love you, too,” Neal whispered, stroking Peter’s hair lovingly. For the longest time, he watched Peter sleep on top of him. He could see the contentment in Peter’s face and feel how relaxed and safe Peter’s body felt. Those feelings spread into Neal’s very soul and he stroked Peter’s hair until he himself could no longer keep his eyes open, but he certainly felt better about sleeping in a bed with Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. I've loved the comments and reviews I've gotten both on here and on FanFiction.net regarding the Christmas fanfic I want to write. Some of them have made things harder simply because they sound really good to me. To get more feedback from you, [I opened up a survey on SurveyMonkey with all of the ideas I've gotten from both websites.](https://t.co/gAmUAL5Zt3) If you’d take a few minutes to check it out and select the prompts you like, I’d appreciate it! Thank you for your fantastic ideas!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading this story and the two before it. I've been trying to update it a little more lately, but, admittedly, the next two weeks may not be as filled with updates. I will have finals from the 14th to the 17th that I'd like to focus on, so I'm putting my writing on the shelf for the moment, but I'll write when I can. Thank you again!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal almost slips back into his past, but he manages to focus on his present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to note that there's another memory involving a past Vincent/Neal rape situation. It's not explicit description-wise, but the note's here because of things Neal expresses verbally.

“Honey,” Peter whispered softly, rubbing Neal’s abdomen. He smiled when Neal stirred a bit and turned over to press himself against Peter. “Good morning, baby boy.” He kissed Neal’s bare shoulder and then kissed his cheek. “Come on, beautiful. It’s time to get up.”

Neal grinned and whispered, “You just used three pet names in under a minute.”

Peter rolled his eyes as he nuzzled his face against Neal’s hair. “That’s because I _love_ you. You’re not just _Neal_ to me.” He really meant that, too. Whenever he gave Neal a pet name or called him by something other than his actual name, it meant something to him and he hoped it meant something to Neal, too.

Neal chuckled when Peter relaxed against the pillows and stared at his face. He knew Peter was staring at him because of the contented sigh Peter let out. “You don’t have to suck up, you know. We’re okay now.”

Raising an eyebrow, Peter said, “Oh, but I would love to suck you up…” He smiled wryly when Neal finally opened his eyes, looking eager and considerably excited. “Mhm. You heard me, cutie.”

“Number four.”

Peter slid down the length of Neal’s body, kissing his chest, abdomen, stomach… When he reached his destination, he chose to be a tease and smiled up at Neal. “Have I ever told you that I love your morning wood?” Neal smirked and let out a quiet moan when Peter stuck his tongue out and licked the tip of Neal’s cock. “It’s a _major_ turn-on…”

Neal sighed when Peter stopped licking him, but he focused on forming a coherent thought. “I was dreaming about you before I woke up to your voice,” he admitted.

“Oh, really?” Neal nodded silently in response. “Care to share, sweetheart?”

Neal grinned, feeling the need to blurt out, “Number five!” Peter stared at him in question as Neal chuckled. It was obvious that the younger man was thoroughly amused by his outburst. “I’m still counting the pet names as you say them.”

Peter smirked as well and crawled back up Neal’s body, murmuring, “My angel, my blue eyes, my soulmate, my hubby…” The list kept on going as Neal counted each and every one of them aloud while Peter kissed parts of his body at random. Peter grinded against Neal, feeling needy and desperately wanting his husband, and he was relieved to know Neal felt the same way as he grinded up against Peter until they both came. Peter glanced down at the space between them and said, “Oh, good. Breakfast.” Neal laughed quietly, watching Peter move to lick the come off of his abdomen. “Oh, God… You taste so good…”

The whine that elicited from Neal made Peter wish his erection would be erect again. “I’m hungry, too,” Neal said petulantly, which Peter found absolutely adorable. He shifted around and lazily licked the come off of Peter’s skin, moaning quietly as he closed his eyes, giving off the essence of ecstasy as Peter watched him. He swallowed so seductively and Peter wanted so desperately to be able to come again just so he could watch and listen to _that_ again. “My favorite taste…” he murmured, opening his eyes to peer up at Peter through his lashes.

It felt like butterflies were fluttering around inside of Peter’s stomach. “Oh? My come is your favorite taste?” Neal nodded, grinning up at him. “Baby, you’re asking for something so complicated…” Neal raised an eyebrow, wondering where Peter was going with that. He didn’t think any of this was complicated and hoped to God that Peter wouldn’t do something to make it complicated. “Well, it’s either I let you swallow or we keep trying to get you pregnant.” He shrugged and watched Neal’s eyes glint in response. “Either way, it’s your choice, my love.”

Neal liked the thought of either situation. He would love to swallow Peter down, but he also loved feeling Peter’s sticky warmth spread through him. A complicated choice indeed. “Jesus, Peter. I’m probably carrying your octuplets right now considering the load you shot into me last night.” Peter chuckled, his face heating up. He loved moments like this. He loved having a teasing, light conversation with his husband. Granted, they were talking pretty extensively about sex, but it was still perfect.

Peter pecked Neal’s lips when he came closer and whispered, “Then I guess I’m excited to have eight beautiful babies with you then.” The thought of having eleven children with Neal was interesting, but he knew Neal was joking and they were both content with the three beautiful babies they already had. “Can I ask you something?”

“Oh, shit…”

“No, no, no,” Peter murmured. “Nothing bad, I promise.” Neal gave his husband a small smile and Peter kissed his cheek, shaking his head. “No. I want to ask you how you’re feeling.”

Neal made himself comfortable by pushing Peter onto his back and laying his head on Peter’s chest, resting his hand over Peter’s heart. “I’m happy. I always am when I’m with you—even when we have moments when things go wrong between us.” He rubbed his fingers over Peter’s bare chest and closed his eyes. “We resolved our problems and ended up making love. All in all, it was a good way to spend the day together.” He opened his eyes and thought for a moment. “How’re you?”

Peter ran his fingers through Neal’s hair and whispered, “Grateful.” Neal was hoping Peter would expand upon that. He wanted Peter to feel comfortable talking about his own feelings—and not just during an argument. He values Peter’s thoughts and feelings and really wished Peter would open up more under normal circumstances. “I’m usually ninety-five percent responsible for our fights, which means I need to get my act together and make things good for us.” He slid his hand down the back of Neal’s neck until he was rubbing Neal’s shoulder, eventually sliding over to the middle of Neal’s back. “I love you and I need to stop making such a big deal out of things. I’m very lucky to have a man who’s understanding and patient—and who oh-so-clearly loves the hell out of me for no apparent reason.”

“No apparent reason?” Neal asked incredulously, pushing himself up off of Peter so he could look at him in disbelief. Peter muttered ‘fuck’ under his breath, feeling like he’d messed up again, but Neal had no intention of fighting or arguing. He wanted to tell Peter exactly why he loves him. “No apparent reason, Peter? I wish you knew how much bullshit that is.” Peter was stammering an apology before Neal kissed him and made him shut up. “I love you because you look at me and see me for who I am. You don’t look at me and see a victim of rape or as an incompetent man who lost the majority of his memories.” He smiled at Peter and lifted his left hand, stroking Peter’s cheek, making sure he rubbed his wedding and engagement rings over Peter’s skin. “You treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated. You respect me. You’re patient with me. You’ve gotten me through so much and have made me a better, stronger person… And I know I could never repay your efforts even if I tried.”

“Baby, you know I love—”

Neal kissed Peter again and Peter took the hint this time. “Don’t you ever think I love you for no apparent reason. There are so many reasons I love you and I only gave you a few.” He rubbed his rings across Peter’s cheek, over his cheekbone, and eventually over Peter’s lips. “I love the man you are. You’re you with me—and I know you always have been. I love how much I can trust you and confide in you. You make me feel wanted and loved—cared for.” His eyes began to water as he smiled at his husband. “You’re my knight in shining armor, my Prince Charming, my Superman—” Peter startled a bit at the reference to Neal’s pet name for him early on in their relationship that occasionally popped up here and there. “—and I could never ask for anything more than you’ve given me because you’ve given me _everything._ ”

Peter rubbed his thumb gently across Neal’s skin, wiping his tears away before they could fall. He stared up at Neal and truly appreciated the man he’d fallen for, the man who’d fallen for him. “Thank you, Neal,” he whispered, sliding his hand behind Neal’s head to guide him into another kiss. “Everything you said means a lot to me—a _lot._ ”

“Good,” Neal said as he sniffled and smiled at Peter. “If it means so much to you, you won’t forget it.”

Something dawned on Peter then. When he’d recued Neal from the brothel Rachel had been tormenting and using him in, he’d taken Neal to the hospital where Neal said something along the lines of trusting him and feeling safe with him. “Not to put myself on a pedestal or anything, but…” Neal looked intrigued and Peter asked, “Do you think that—what you just said—is why you trusted that I would help you and that I would take care of you? You told me I made you feel safe when you were in the hospital—and you didn’t know much of anything about me.”

“Maybe,” Neal said quietly. “You mean a lot to me right now, so I would only assume you meant this much to me before my memory was taken from me.” He gave Peter a small smile and said, “You were a soothing presence the moment I met you—again, I mean. Well, hell, you’ve always been a soothing presence for me.”

Peter twisted them so that they were both lying on their sides, facing each other. He rested his hand on Neal’s hip, rubbing the bone slowly. “You needed someone to love you and respect you the way you deserved. You spent far too long being underappreciated, cast aside, and torn apart…” Neal’s eyes dimmed a little and Peter noticed immediately. “I’ve told you that I dated you with every intention of becoming more than just boyfriends. I don’t like to date anyone unless I know it’ll go somewhere. Before I even knew about everything you went through, I knew I wanted to be the only person who could ever earn your trust—and I do mean _earn_ because I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to tell me about the things you suffered through.”

“I can only imagine that I told you because I had every intention of this being something more, too,” Neal whispered. “If you were the first person I told, you were special to me.” He reached out and rested his hand against Peter’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over Peter’s cheekbone. “You’re so special to me, Peter. I know things have been difficult between us for a multitude of reasons, but I’m glad you want to try to fix things as much as I do. I’m glad you’re willing to hear me out.”

“You don’t lie to me,” Peter said to him. “You’ve gone behind my back a few times, but you don’t lie to my face. When you say you’re hurting, that you’re afraid… I wholeheartedly believe you. You have always been special and that’s why I believed you when you told me everything.”

Neal scooted closer to Peter and kissed him. “I didn’t tell you this because we were in a…shitty situation.” Peter’s brows furrowed, but he was willing to hear what Neal had to say. “I remembered telling my mom about what Vincent did to me. I remember her reaction and how she treated me—and then I could remember the moment I told you. You were… You were so understanding and you believed me instantly, like you never had a single doubt about it.”

Peter’s jaw tensed and Neal immediately noticed and became concerned. “I’m sorry,” Peter apologized, closing his eyes. He calmed himself down and Neal was still staring at him concernedly when he opened his eyes. “I’m just so pissed off with your situation because, honestly, it could have been prevented.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your dad had a friend in the police force. Her name was Ellen—and she was like a mother to you.” Neal nodded silently even though he had no idea who Ellen was. “She loved you to death and she tried to get you out of there because she knew Vincent was trouble. She was afraid that you were being hurt. I… I may not have mentioned this to you in the past because I believe you were playing with Nicky at the time, but there was one night when I went to her and asked her some things.” He sighed, wishing he’d talked to Neal when Neal still had his memories. This would make more sense to Neal if he had his memories. “I went to her place for a little while and we talked.”

“About what?”

“You,” Peter whispered. “She was afraid of what was going on. You lived in a wealthy home, wore great clothing, and looked healthy. However, she knew you so well and she knew something was wrong.” Neal was trying to understand what Peter was getting at. “She said you changed around the time he began to rape you. You were withdrawn even though you tried to act like everything was okay. She had the feeling that he was the problem, so she tried to beg your mother into letting her take you away—give you a life you deserved, a life in which you’d be taken care of.”

Neal’s lips parted. “My mother made me stay,” he whispered. Peter nodded, grateful that Neal understood. However, he was concerned when Neal turned over and sat up. “She let him rape me. She knew about it and let him continue to rape me even though I could have been saved.”

Peter pushed himself up and gently touched Neal’s bare thigh. He was surprised by the reaction Neal had. As soon as Peter’s fingers came into contact with his skin, Neal screamed and jumped out of bed. “Neal?” Peter said concernedly. He was afraid to move out of sheer fear that he’d make things worse. “Honey, it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

Neal was sobbing hysterically and looked like he was in so much pain as he gripped his head with both hands. When his eyes closed, Peter cautiously slid out of bed. He moved towards Neal and rested his hands on Neal’s biceps. Once again, his touch was met with a scream of terror in addition to Neal backing away and collapsing, falling to his knees in front of Peter.

The older man watched his husband in horror. This was another memory—he knew it. As much as he wanted to help Neal, he couldn’t touch him. “Please,” Neal begged. “Please let me suck your dick, daddy,” he whispered. Peter gaped at him and his eyes widened. Neal crawled forward as though he were a pet, a slave. “I want you, daddy.” Peter had no idea how to respond to this. Neal never mentioned anything like this and he wasn’t prepared to help him with the psychological effects he was now experiencing. “Fuck my mouth. Fuck me. I’m your little whore.”

Peter couldn’t take this. He couldn’t let Neal go through all of this. He dropped to the floor and grabbed Neal, eliciting another terrified scream, but he held onto Neal and rocked him gently. Neal kept screaming and Peter held him, whispering sweet things to him, promising him that he was safe. He stroked Neal’s hair and kept his arm around Neal’s chest, keeping him close. The way Neal’s fingers were gripping his arm indicated that he’d been struggling at the time as well. It seemed like he was gripping bed sheets and the very thought made Peter sick. Eventually, Neal even began to rock himself against Peter. Peter had stopped moving and Neal’s movements and the sounds he made in unison with the screams of terror made Peter sob. In this memory, Neal was being taken from behind. Even the way his back suddenly bent expressed that. Neal didn’t deserve this—and he never had.

He had no idea how much time had passed, but Neal’s screams eventually died down until he was gasping for breath and trembling against Peter. He’d gone limp and Peter had the feeling that Neal had re-experienced another moment in time when he’d endured rape. Considering the way Neal had been talking to him, he figured it was Vincent. “Are you with me?” he asked gently. Neal nodded and it was obvious that he was really struggling with what he’d suddenly remembered. They were both naked on the floor of the apartment, but Peter didn’t feel compelled to get dressed or do anything else until he was sure Neal was all right. “It’s okay, honey. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

Neal shivered against him before he resumed his trembling. He wanted to speak, but his throat hurt. He knew exactly what he said in front of Peter and he knew Peter had probably seen and felt everything as well. “I-I…” he whispered hoarsely.

Peter kissed his hair and whispered, “Don’t talk. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Neal nodded and rested against Peter’s chest. Peter held him with the intention of keeping him in his arms until Neal decided he didn’t want to be held anymore. Eventually, his trembling subsided and stopped completely, but his breathing was still erratic. “It’s okay, baby. I promise,” Peter said softly.

A short while later, Neal managed to regain control of himself and his body. He even pushed himself up and helped Peter stand. Neal’s eyes were red and he looked so guilty, so full of regret. Voice still hoarse and raspy, Neal whispered, “I can imagine I never told you that one either.”

“No,” Peter whispered honestly, his eyes never leaving Neal’s face. Neal wasn’t looking at him and seemed like he couldn’t and wouldn’t make eye contact. “You don’t need to tell me anything unless you want to. You know I’ll always listen, but it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether you want to talk or not.”

Neal blinked back tears and cleared his throat. He reached slightly behind his left side and Peter’s eyes followed Neal’s hand as he showed Peter what happened. Vincent evidently dug his nails into Neal’s side and scraped them across his back. Neal’s right hand shook as he wrapped his fingers around his throat. Peter blinked back his own tears now. “Screamed until I couldn’t,” Neal whispered. “The one time he ordered me to. My mom was hiding behind the door and watched. She didn’t try to help me.”

Peter nodded and Neal finally turned to look at him, allowing their eyes to meet. “I’m so sorry,” Peter whispered. “I didn’t want to hurt you and I did.” He blamed himself because he’d brought up a conversation he had with Ellen so long ago about Neal, Neal’s mother, and Vincent.

“No,” Neal said. He rested his hands on Peter’s pectorals and rubbed over them while staring into Peter’s eyes. He was letting Peter know that he didn’t blame him, that he wouldn’t blame him. Lately, these things were happening sporadically, so Peter figured maybe it wasn’t his fault, but he still felt awful.

They barely dressed themselves, pulling their underwear on and attempting to relax afterwards. Neal sat on the bed until he became so frustrated and lurched off of the bed. “Neal?” He watched his husband dart around the apartment and was a little surprised when Neal came back with a notepad and pen.

He began to write on it, scribbling, “I’m so sorry for fucking up our morning. Everything was perfect before I fucked it up.”

Peter shook his head and looked dismayed by what he’d read. “It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t fuck anything up, honey. Everything can still be perfect.”

Neal began to scribble on the pad again and turned it so Peter could read it. “If I weren’t fucked up, this wouldn’t happen.”

Peter took the notepad out of Neal’s hands and tossed it to the floor. “Don’t you ever think that again,” Peter said fiercely, frightening Neal. “You are _not_ fucked up. Don’t you dare say that.” Neal nodded silently and Peter whispered, “I spent so much time trying to break you of that habit. Don’t you dare start it again.”

“Sorry,” Neal rasped, frowning.

The older man sighed and lifted his hand to caress the side of Neal’s face. “I love you, honey. I don’t want you to put yourself down, okay? You’re a wonderful man and I’m very proud of you and lucky to have you.” He leaned closer to Neal and kissed his forehead before pressing his own against Neal. “You have always been perfect to me, Neal.” It didn’t matter that Neal had these frightening nightmares during the night and, apparently, during the day as well. He would always be there for Neal no matter what. If he had to continue watching Neal suffer through memories like this particular one coming back, he’d do it. He’d help Neal through this because that’s how much he loves his husband. He’d never put Neal down for experiencing hell inside his own mind. All he wanted to do was get Neal through it and bring him back to the present. “We’re in this together. If I didn’t love every part of you, I couldn’t say I love you,” he said quietly. “Through the good and the bad, I’m at your side.” Neal gave his husband a small smile before initiating a hug to silently let him know that he was very grateful to have Peter in his life.

•◊•

Neal waved at Peter before heading into their home. Peter had to go to work, but he’d dropped Neal off and asked him to promise that he’d text or email Peter if something suddenly came up. Neal’s throat was still sore and he didn’t really feel up to talking at the moment. “Hey, son,” Jon greeted him as he shut the door and locked it. Neal turned and smiled at his father-in-law. “How did things go last night?”

A great level of anxiety built up inside of Neal then. Of course he wanted to let Jon know that everything was great, but the fact that he wasn’t speaking at the moment would probably cause some concern. Neal cleared his throat and, to the best of his ability, said, “Great.” 

Jon smirked and Neal sighed internally, relieved. He knew how Jon took that response along with his voice and he was grateful for that. “I didn’t realize Peter—or you, for that matter—was okay with deepthroating you to the point where you can’t even speak properly.” Neal chuckled weakly and Jon winked at him. “He really gives you his all, doesn’t he?”

“You have no idea,” Neal whispered. Neal decided to play on the idea Jon was running with. “I’m sore. Mind if I go lie down for a few minutes?”

The older man chuckled and nodded. “Go for it, kid. Mom’s playing with the twins. If your throat hurts, I wouldn’t recommend you head in there. They’ll be thrilled to see you later though.” Neal smiled appreciatively as Jon approached him and hugged him gently. Neal embraced the older man and closed his eyes as he rested his head on Jon’s shoulder. Peter and Jon had the same gentle touch, the same loving touch. Even something as a simple as a hug conveyed how much they loved him. “I’m glad things are better between you two now. Watching you act so unlike yourselves was hell on everyone and I can’t imagine what it was doing to you both personally.” He kissed Neal’s cheek, deciding to let it go at that. There was no point in dwelling on something that Neal and Peter had already put behind them. “Get some rest, kid. I’ll wake you up before Peter drops Nicky off.”

They separated and Neal was about to head upstairs, but he paused and turned towards Jon. “Actually, I’m gonna play with the kids.” Jon raised an eyebrow out of sheer curiosity, wanting to hear what Neal’s reason was if he was so sore. “You two have been amazing—taking care of the kids when Peter and I aren’t able to.” He cleared his throat again and whispered, “Peter and I will try harder to be our kids’ parents instead of pushing them onto you. I’m really sorry. I’m sure you two aren’t really thrilled by how much we neglect them.”

Jon challenged that by saying, “Are you really going to deny me quality time with my grandbabies?” Neal didn’t say anything, but Jon could see that he was nervous and tense. “Mom and I love the kids, Neal, as much as we love you and Peter. We may have stopped taking care of our kids everyday for the last twenty-some years, but we’re always happy to spend time with the little ones.” He gave Neal a genuine smile as he said, “I never thought I’d have ‘adopted’ grandbabies and you know what?” Neal made a quiet sound of question. “I still don’t. They’re just my grandbabies. You’re my son now and the three of them are your babies.” Neal grinned, appreciating that. “Cara—Peter’s sister—has a couple girls in their twenties now as well as a toddler. The older ones always referred to me as ‘grandfather.’”

“And Nicky calls you grandpa,” Neal said, realizing why this meant so much to Jon.

Jon nodded. “Cara’s kids have some of my DNA in them, but the three children you and Peter have don’t. The three of them love me as if I was part of their blood family and that’s always thrilled me.”

Neal asked him, “Despite how much you love them and appreciate them, do you believe Peter and I aren’t around enough?”

The older man shook his head. “Whenever you two aren’t around, I know it’s for a reason. For two months, you were an unknowing captive. You didn’t realize you had a family.” Neal frowned and Jon realized he needed to say something positive soon. “Peter told me how excited you were when he first mentioned that you have children. You’re a daddy at heart and you always have been. Since you’ve come back, you’ve struggled to become your daddy-self, but I had faith in the fact that you would eventually—and you didn’t disappoint, son.”

Smiling faintly, Neal whispered, “You didn’t answer my question.”

“These last few months have been hell on you personally, Peter, and the relationship between yourselves as well as your children. You and Nicky seemed to connect instantly as I expected and it took a little more time for you to become attached to the little ones again, but you did.” He let out a small sigh as he said, “Your relationship with Peter has been strained for many reasons over these past few months. Honestly, I don’t care if you two were around much to take care of your own kids or not. Mom and I are happy to help you two out with them if you can fix the relationship between the two of you. If things are good between you, it’ll be fantastic when you’re with your kids.”

Neal decided to let it go, figuring Jon wasn’t going to outright say that they weren’t doing their job as a parent very well. “Peter and I will be fine,” he assured his father-in-law. “Like you said, our relationship has been strained. We’re trying to make things work as best we can and everything always turns out all right in the end.”

“That’s all that matters to mom and me. You two need to have a working, functional relationship if you’re going to take care of your children together.” Neal nodded, seeing a little bit of logic in that. Nicky was perceptive enough to pick up on their interactions—or lack thereof—and know whether or not something was wrong. Whenever he and Peter were fighting or ignoring each other, it affected Nicky negatively as well. As long as he and Peter were happy with each other, Nicky was happy. Nicky’s happiness mattered a great deal to Neal, so he realized that Jon was right. In order for them to take care of their kids properly and make sure they were happy, he and Peter did need to work on their personal relationship. He felt like they were acting childish at times, but their problems were adult problems that they needed to resolve on their own as well as together. If there weren’t any problems, everyone was happier.

Jon watched Neal and could see some wheels turning in his head. He was curious and wondered what the younger man was thinking about. “The next time Peter gets vacation time, we all need to do something as a family. I’m sure the kids would love that. In the meantime, you two can have a romantic vacation of your own for as long as you’d like because you both have been so amazing to us.” Jon gave him a soft smile because he did appreciate Neal’s words. “I’m a stay-at-home dad. I can handle the kids. You and mom are just…spectacular. I don’t know what Peter and I would have done without you, but you two definitely need a break from us to just spend together.”

“Mom and I had a date night recently. It worked for us.”

Neal gave his father-in-law a look that challenged that immediately. “A date _night._ Peter, the kids, and I love you a great deal and we all appreciate how you and mom have been with all of us. However, you and mom need to have time to yourselves.” He hesitated before saying, “Peter and I made love several times a day when we were in Paris because it was just us. I fell in love with my husband all over again because it was just _us._ ” He gave Jon a hopeful smile as he said, “I know things are great between you and mom, but, please, humor me and spend time together for as long as you want. You both have earned it—and then some.”

Jon chuckled and nodded. “Fine, fine. You could be a great salesman considering how convincing you just made your argument.” Neal grinned at him. His throat was _killing_ him, but Jon was well worth it—Jon and Hannah. “Love you, kid. You’re a sweetheart.”

“I love you, too, dad.” After that, he headed up to the twins’ room where he heard Hannah playing with the twins, obviously making them giggle by tickling them. He walked up to the door and quietly pushed it open, watching her. It made him smile without thinking about doing so. He just smiled because he could see her playing like that with Peter when Peter was young. He figured that was how Peter had a slightly playful nature to him.

Joey was the one to spot him first and instantly screamed, “Daddy!” Hannah turned and looked a little surprised, yet still pleased, to see Neal there.

“Oh, hi, sweetie. I didn’t hear you.”

He walked in and took a seat beside her, kissing her cheek as Joey crawled onto his lap. “Hi, mom. That’s okay. I didn’t want to disrupt things right away.” He held Joey against him and appreciated that his son wanted to be with him, wanted to be held by him. He stroked Joey’s hair and said, “Hey, little boy. I missed you.” Joey giggled happily against him, tugging at his shirt.

Hannah noticed the change in Neal’s voice instantly and was concerned. “Do you need something for your throat, honey?”

“Nah. I’ll get a glass of water in a little bit.” Glancing at his daughter, he added, “I kind of just want to spend some time with them.”

She smiled at him warmly and nodded. “How did things go last night?”

He met her eyes and said, “Things were great. We totally cleared the air.”

“Good,” she said softly. She kissed his temple before getting up, stroking his hair as he looked up at her. “You may not remember, but I was originally against you and Peter being together.” She paused for a moment and he listened intently, his eyes never leaving hers. “I’m glad I came to my senses because you are the best thing that has ever happened to Peter—and to Jon and me. You’re a wonderful man with a beautiful soul and you make our son a happy man.” He grinned at her, grateful for everything she said. “I love you, Neal.”

“And I love you, mom.” She patted his head gently before leaving him alone with his twins. Brie was sitting by herself and Neal was a little concerned about that. She always seemed very independent, but still. He felt like she should be clingy and reliant on her parents. “Brie, honey. Come here,” he said gently, hoping she would listen. She looked at him and pushed herself up into a standing position, walking over to him as though she were kind of struggling, but doing very well nonetheless. “Hi, my little love,” he said when she stood beside him and rested her head on his shoulder. “Daddy missed you two.”

“Miss daddy,” she whispered against him. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her hair. She stood up a little and touched his mouth. He gave her a questioning look and she said, “Ouchies, daddy?”

Chuckling quietly, Neal nodded. “Yes. Ouchies in daddy’s throat.” He kissed her hand and she giggled at him. He watched her eyes light up and he was relieved. “Look at my pretty princess.”

“Daddy,” Joey said. Neal glanced down at him and watched Joey point to a ball they had near the toybox. “Daddy, play?”

“You want daddy to play ball?”

Joey nodded. “Play ball, daddy.”

Neal nudged Joey and asked him, “Can you get the ball for daddy?” Joey eagerly darted across the room to get the ball and bring it back to his daddy. Neal spread his legs and Brie took a seat near his right foot, spreading her legs and holding her hands out. “Good job, Joey,” he said animatedly when Joey plopped down beside Neal’s left foot, taking up the same position the other two were in. “Roll the ball, Joey.” The three of them giggled and laughed as they played, rolling the ball around between the three of them.

And Peter found them later in the same room. He’d come home with Nicky and had to drop him off and run back to the bureau. There were new developments regarding Rachel and he wanted to be there, but he hadn’t told Neal the particulars. It was after eight in the evening when Peter walked into the twins’ room and found his husband in one of the cribs with both twins. He was lying on his back with Joey lying on his chest and Brie against his side. “He played with them the whole time,” Hannah said quietly behind Peter.

“As much as I hate to wake him, his legs are going to cramp if he stays in there all night,” he whispered. He pulled his phone out and smiled a little as he took a picture of Neal and the twins. He always loved this side of Neal. Even after the memory loss, he was doing very well in Peter’s opinion. He stared at the picture after he’d taken it and he fell in love with his husband even more. “Beautiful,” he said softly before turning the screen off and stuffing the phone into his pocket. Carefully, he reached in and began to lift Joey off of Neal’s chest. He hadn’t expected Neal to suddenly jolt awake. “Hey, hey, hey,” Peter said quietly. “It’s okay, hon. It’s just me.”

Neal relaxed immediately and nodded, watching Peter smile at him before taking Joey and gently lying him down in the other crib. He sat up in Brie’s crib and made his daughter comfortable before getting out. “I didn’t realize I fell asleep,” he murmured. “I was reading them a book.”

Peter nodded and chuckled. “It’s okay, honey. I’m glad you were spending time with them.” Kissing Neal’s cheek, he added, “I’m glad your voice sounds better, too.”

“As far as mom and dad know, it was a result of our sexual activities.” Peter rolled his eyes, but he nodded nonetheless. It wasn’t his story to tell. What happened had happened to Neal and it was his decision alone to bring anyone into it or not. Peter respected his wishes. “Did you just get home?”

“Yeah. Everyone ended up working overtime.” Neal’s brows furrowed and Peter knew Neal was piecing it together. He kissed Neal’s forehead and said, “Don’t be concerned. Everything’s fine.”

Neal rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and asked, “Are you hungry? I can go heat up your dinner for you.”

“We can just go to bed,” Peter suggested, seeing how tired Neal still looked.

The younger man shook his head when Peter’s stomach betrayed him and growled. “Come on, babe. Let’s get you something to eat.” He took Peter’s hand in his, intertwined their fingers, and led his husband back downstairs where Nicky was watching television.

“Oh, look who’s awake,” Nicky teased.

Neal smirked as he continued to lead Peter into the kitchen. He was definitely a little out of it and didn’t seem to realize Peter was probably hiding something from him. Neal pulled Peter’s dinner out of the refrigerator and went to the microwave, putting it in to heat it up for him. As he stood in front of the countertop, Peter wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist. “You should really just go to bed, my love. You’re a zombie.”

“Gotta make sure you eat,” Neal said, resting his left hand over both of Peter’s. “Besides, I don’t want to go to bed without you.” Peter smiled, loving that. He knew things were better between them, but he still appreciated hearing things like this.

Pressing his lips against Neal’s shoulder, he whispered, “Thanks, baby boy.” Neal smiled and leaned back against Peter, relishing in the feeling of his husband’s warm body against him. He held Neal until the microwave beeped and he continued to hold him as he stirred the food in the bowl and put it back into the microwave. All of this was really simplistic and shouldn’t mean so much, but Peter loved this. He loved sharing moments like this with Neal. Simple or not, time with Neal was time well spent. “Thank you for being in my life, for being my husband.”

Neal smiled over his shoulder as Peter looked at him. “I love you.”

“I love you.” He turned Neal in his arms and Neal eagerly wound his arms around Peter’s neck as they initiated a slow kiss. They both took it very slowly, enjoying each other. Considering all of the bad moments they’d had lately, he just wanted to be in the here and now with Neal—because the here and now was wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank all of the people who have voted for their choices regarding the Christmas poll I mentioned in the last update. It's wonderful to get feedback from all of you! I would like to apologize to the individual who mentioned the idea of reincarnation; I didn't add it because I _do_ have a fanfic idea regarding that particular topic already. :) I'm leaving the poll open until the 18th, so there's still time to check it out and vote for your choice(s) if you'd like. On the 18th, I'll let everyone know who won via my twitter page: jawlinefordays. And, also, thanks for the well wishes on my finals. After Thursday, I will officially be on Christmas break and totally devoted to my writing until the next semester begins.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter take time to appreciate their relationship.

Peter was grateful and a little relieved when his parents approached him about Neal’s request that they take a vacation. Neal hadn’t spoken to him personally about it, but he thought it was a great idea nonetheless. After all of the stressful things that have been going on and continue to go on, he knew his parents deserved a little bit of time just for themselves. They said they would leave with the promise that they’d be back by Christmas Eve and would stay with them until January second before going on another adventure together.

All of the adults were sitting in the living room while the twins played on the floor and Nicky did his homework in the dining room. “You boys are really okay with us going away for a few days?”

Neal and Peter shared a quick glance before saying, “Yes,” in unison.

“Why do I get the feeling you two are just trying to get rid of us?”

Peter rolled his eyes and said, “You two have done so much for us—as Neal told you. I think it’s a fantastic idea for you to go before Christmas and after the New Year. You both deserve time together, especially since you’ve given Neal and me so much time to ourselves.” Jon and Hannah shared a look as well, but it lasted longer than the brief look Peter and Neal had given each other. “You’ve been here for months. Between helping me through things before Neal came home and after, watching the kids, and just being here in general, you two deserve as much time as you’d like to spend together.”

Hannah looked at her sons and smiled at them. “Dad and I really appreciate this, sweethearts. You and your children mean the world and more to us though.”

“Mom,” Peter whined. “We want you to go. Go have fun, explore, all that fun stuff.”

“You left out the sex,” Jon said quietly, chuckling when Neal made a quiet giggling sound. Hannah smacked Jon’s arm and gave him a slight look of disapproval. “We’ll go,” Jon said, glancing at his wife now. “Neal pointed out that things are great between us, but we could definitely use some one-on-one time.” Hannah gave her husband a small smile and finally agreed. She hadn’t wanted to leave Neal and Peter or the kids because she loved them all to death, but Jon was right. She would enjoy time alone with Jon regardless.

Within the hour, Peter had managed to book his parents a last minute flight to Hawaii in the morning and Neal helped them pack as well as take their belongings downstairs so they would be ready to go by the time morning came around.

Peter watched his husband move the suitcases from the guestroom to the spot next to the front door and he really appreciated Neal then. He appreciated that Neal had thought of this and that Neal was absolutely willing to help them get out of here for the vacation he suggested. “Hey, honey?” Neal turned instantly and looked at his husband in question. Peter jerked his head a bit, a gesture that asked Neal to come closer. The second Neal was in front of him, he wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist and rubbed his thumbs over the small of Neal’s back. “Thank you for this. I know they appreciate it.” Neal grinned and initiated a kiss with his husband. “Are you going to be okay by yourself though?”

“Wow,” Neal said sarcastically. “That sounded like a major putdown.” Peter’s jaw dropped and he immediately looked apologetic until Neal kissed his jaw. “Yes. I’ll be fine for a few hours a day spending time with my own kids, Peter Michael.”

Heaving a sigh of relief, Peter slid his hands over Neal’s body until he was gripping Neal’s hips. “You’re a wonderful man and husband.”

Neal’s cheeks heated up as he smiled at Peter. “Thank you, my love.”

Peter kissed Neal’s forehead and whispered, “We can be a little louder for the next few nights since they won’t be so close.” Neal snickered quietly and bumped his nose against Peter’s playfully, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulders. “I love you more and more with each passing day, Neal. Everything you do is wonderful. Telling my parents to take a break—and not taking no for an answer—was brilliant.”

“I talked to dad about our time in Paris,” he whispered to Peter. “I told him I was able to fall in love with you all over again. Even though it was definitely true, I told him that because I _wanted_ him to take a break from us.” Peter nodded, understanding that completely. Neal was definitely right though. He’d fallen in love with Neal all over again while they’d been in Paris, too. Things were different since Neal came home with him after losing his memory, but they’d become so much better over time. “When’s the next time you have vacation time?” he asked quietly, looking up into Peter’s chocolaty eyes.

“The week before your birthday as well as the week of your birthday because I want to spend extra time celebrating you,” Peter said, eliciting a surprised look from his husband. “Why?”

Neal hadn’t expected Peter to take a vacation for that. He didn’t even know when his birthday was, to be honest. He knew about Peter’s and Nicky’s, but that was pretty much it. “Do you think we’d be able to pull Nicky out of school?” Peter raised an eyebrow. He was really interested in hearing what Neal had in mind for those two weeks. He’d planned on making love to Neal for hours on end if possible, but he wanted to know what Neal was thinking nonetheless. “I want us—you, me, and the kids—to have a vacation together. We need that bonding time as a family. I just didn’t know when we could go.”

“I have two weeks off during the summer. I’d rather not pull Nick out of school even though I absolutely love what you have in mind, honey.” He kissed Neal passionately for a few moments before continuing with, “I want him to focus on school for now. Once he’s out for the summer, we can all definitely do something together.”

“I want to take the kids to Paris.”

Peter considered that for a moment. They’d had a very pleasant stay when they’d gone together back in August, so he didn’t really see a problem with that. “I suppose we can do that. Nick will be out of school, the twins will be a little over two years old…” Neal’s eyes lit up. He really liked that Peter was interested in his idea of taking a family vacation. He’d loved his time in Paris with Peter and he was sure it’d be just as enjoyable with the kids there, too. “That’ll be interesting. The five of us haven’t done anything like that yet.” Peter began to think about how God-awful the flight could be with _two_ two year olds. “We’ll have our hands full with the little ones…”

Neal shrugged. “Par for the course, right?” Peter chuckled and nodded, knowing his husband was absolutely correct. “We’ll manage. We always do, love.”

“We should probably work on potty training them soon, too.”

“Definitely,” Neal agreed. “I can start doing it when mom and dad leave.” Peter took Neal’s hands in his own and pulled Neal along with him over to the couch. He plopped down onto it and loved the fact that Neal straddled him, wrapping his arms around his neck. “I’m sure I had to find some guides when it was just me and Nicky. He turned out just fine as far as I know. How hard can it actually be?”

Peter felt a little embarrassed as he said, “You’re really sexy when you talk about taking care of our kids.” Neal blushed instantly, but Peter could see that his comment was appreciated. “You’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re beautiful… You’re all of that and more, but, on top of all of that, you’re the best daddy I know.” He kissed Neal and gripped Neal’s hips a little tighter before gently yanking him closer, eliciting a quiet laugh from Neal. “You’ll be fantastic, angel. I can help out when I get home from work, too.”

Neal nodded. “Of course,” he whispered. “I’d love to see poppa in action, too.”

They both laughed quietly as they stared into each other’s eyes, pressed tightly together on the couch, and Peter thought about flipping Neal onto his back right then and there to make love to him. He didn’t know why he was so attracted to Neal talking about his role as a daddy. They were discussing potty training their kids and he found Neal extremely attractive. Peter almost slipped up and made a sexual statement with the addition of a ‘daddy’ remark, but he kept it to himself. After the last memory Neal had experienced, Neal probably didn’t want or need to be called ‘daddy’ when or if they discussed sex together. Maybe down the road, but definitely not right now.

“Really, guys? The couch?” Both men startled and Peter had to hold onto Neal so Neal didn’t fall backwards. Nicky was standing at the bottom of the stairway with an eyebrow raised, looking at them in disbelief. “ _Everyone_ uses that couch, but you guys only use your bed.”

Glancing at the clock not too far from where they were seated, Peter realized it was ten-thirty. “What’re you doing up, kiddo?”

“Heard you two making noises down here…”

Neal chuckled and shook his head. “We were just talking. There wasn’t anything going on.” He looked at his son and said, “I swear we were just sitting here and having a nice conversation.” Neal toned it down on his teasing manner when Nicky frowned. Deciding to respect his son and his husband at the same time, Neal slid off of Peter’s lap and took a seat beside him. “What’s wrong, Nicky?”

Nicky moved towards his fathers and sat down on the table in front of them. “I have a question.”

“Ask away,” Peter said gently, giving his son an encouraging smile.

“Poppa, how old were you when you lost your virginity?”

Peter was taken by surprise after hearing that question. Neal always handled these things, but he realized that Neal didn’t really have a helpful answer to whatever Nicky wanted to know considering his virginity hadn’t been lost, but rather _stolen._ “Um… I was twenty-something and it was with Aunt El before she and I got married.” Nicky nodded silently and Peter’s brows furrowed. “Is there something you need to tell us?”

“Trent and I… We talked about being each other’s firsts.” Peter nodded, glancing at his husband briefly. He was relieved to see that Neal was trying to be as understanding as possible. Normally, Neal would’ve shut this conversation down instantly because he didn’t want Nicky doing something at a young age that he may regret later. “I don’t know if I’m ready. How did you know when you were ready?”

The older man took Neal’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb over Neal’s skin slowly. He considered Nicky’s question and wanted to make sure he had a good answer. He wasn’t trying to sway Nicky one way or the other, but he wanted to be helpful in any way possible. “El and I talked about it a little here and there. She was also a virgin, so neither of us knew what to expect—same as you and Trent.” He hesitated before saying, “Despite being gay, I did love El in a certain kind of way and I felt comfortable losing my virginity with her as well as taking hers.” Peter’s face heated up immensely, but Neal squeezed his hand gently to let him know that he thought Peter was doing just fine.

“I’ve loved Trent for a while and I think he loves me, too. So does that mean it’s…okay?”

Peter shook his head. “Not necessarily. You said ‘I think.’ If you want your first time to mean something, you need to talk to him a little more in depth. To me, I didn’t want to lose it to just anyone. I wanted it to mean something and it did. El and I got married a little ways down the road after our first time because we loved each other and felt comfortable and safe with each other.” He looked at Nicky and saw how intently Nicky was listening to him. “I think you and Trent should definitely discuss this more before considering anything. I don’t think he’s going to pressure you into anything and I can’t imagine you pressuring him either.”

Nicky’s eyes widened as he shook his own head. “No. Never. I love Trent and I wouldn’t do that to him.”

Nodding, Peter said, “Talk to him. I don’t really think there’s a right _age_ to lose your virginity at, but you need to consider what your first time will mean to you as well as what it’ll mean to him since it’ll be his first time as well.”

“Can I… Can I add something?” Neal asked hesitantly. Nicky nodded at him and focused on his daddy. “I know I don’t really have a good experience with losing my own virginity, but… Well, poppa let me pretend I was a virgin again when we were in Paris. I was afraid and I could tell he was, too.” Nicky gave his daddy a small smile. He always loved hearing about Neal and Peter personally because he could see them twenty-four-seven and knew their relationship was pretty stable and completely full of love considering other factors in their lives. “You’re obviously afraid of what you’ll experience the first time, but all I can really suggest is that you get to know what kind of partner Trent will be for you. I got to know poppa before we did anything in Paris and I was able to fully trust him and appreciate him when I gave myself to him.” Neal sat forward and reached out, taking Nicky’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. “I think you should wait until you’re absolutely sure that he’s the one you want to give your virginity to. Think about what it means to you personally and what you want it to mean when it comes to your relationship with Trent.”

Peter nodded, agreeing with his husband. “Dad’s right. That night in Paris was supposed to mean something significant to us both and we wanted to make sure everything was special between us. There was no pressure, no urgency, and definitely no shame involved. In fact, I think it was perfect—and better than our actual first time together.” He smiled at Neal, kissing his hair before speaking again. “I love your father and I know he loves me. There’s no question about it. If you can feel exactly like that when you’re around Trent without the sexual aspect involved, you’ll be fine when the time does come. Whether that’s tomorrow or ten years from now doesn’t matter. It’s supposed to be about the two of you and your intimate relationship beforehand.”

Nicky absorbed everything his fathers said to him and it meant the world to him to hear both of their sides on the matter. He felt bad about asking Neal because he knew Neal’s experience was awful and he didn’t want to cause any problems with his father by bringing them up. “Thanks, guys,” Nicky said appreciatively.

Both men smiled softly at their son before hugging him individually. The three of them were all standing after they’d shared hugs and Peter said, “You’re always welcome to talk to us about anything, Nick. It doesn’t matter what it is. We’ll try to help you out as best we can no matter what.”

Nicky went back up to his bedroom shortly thereafter and Peter heaved a heavy sigh of relief. Neal looked up at his husband and raised an eyebrow. “You don’t like talking about sex with him.”

Peter shook his head. “I never have. I look at him and I still see a little nine year old boy. That kid was so damn nosy when it came to us, too. He asked too many questions for being a little kid.” Peter shook his head again and Neal grinned up at him. “It’s even worse now because he understands what the difference is between lovemaking and sex—and he’s capable of having it whenever he wants with whoever he wants.” He glanced at Neal and gestured at Neal’s entire body as he said, “The kid looks like you. I’m afraid of the shit he’ll get himself into because he’s as attractive as his dad.” Neal chuckled and Peter’s face heated up. “That sounded so fucked up. I can’t believe I just said my son is attractive. Oh, my God. I need to shut up.” He palmed his face and groaned.

“Don’t worry,” Neal murmured as he slid his arms around Peter’s waist and pressed himself against Peter, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I know what you meant.” Peter was tense against Neal and Neal sighed, nuzzling his face into the crook of Peter’s neck for a few moments. “Take it easy, Peter. I didn’t see it as you wanting to have sex with our son because he’s attractive. You’re just looking out for him.” Peter relaxed a little as Neal said, “Besides, I think he’s a handsome, intelligent young man. He’s pretty attractive in appearance and mind and I can’t wait to see him get into a committed relationship with someone who can appreciate him the way you appreciate me.”

“You don’t think it’s fucked up that we think our son’s attractive?”

Neal shrugged. “Moms tell their daughters that they’re beautiful all the time and it doesn’t mean they’re physically attracted to their daughter. We can say he’s a beautiful young man and it can mean exactly the same thing.” He stepped back a little and teased Peter by saying, “Unless you’re trying to tell me you want a younger, fresher model of me. Then that’d be fucked up.”

Peter’s eyes bugged out as he said, “Hell no. Hell fucking no, Neal George.” Neal chuckled and bumped his nose against Peter’s. “You’re my husband and he’s my son. There’s no switching you up for him. Nope—never.”

“I’m teasing you, you big, overly sensitive teddy bear.”

Peter smacked Neal’s ass and elicited a yelp from the younger man. “Don’t do that,” he grumbled. “I felt really bad.”

Neal kept laughing quietly even as he covered his ass before Peter could swat him again. “You know I love you, Peter.”

“Highly questionable,” he muttered, searching for an opportunity to swat Neal again for teasing him like that. He doubted that they would still be together after those comments had Neal not lost his memory. Neal felt very strongly about his son because he never wanted Nicky to go through what he’d gone through with an older man. If he felt like Peter threatened Nicky’s well-being, he and the kids would leave like bats out of hell. Now, listening to Neal tease him about his comment, he felt really conflicted. There was no way in hell he could ever find his son sexually attractive—no way, no how. No matter how much Nicky looked like Neal, Neal is his husband and he loves Neal with all of his heart. He’d never trade Neal for anyone else.

“Stop thinking!” Neal said playfully. “You’re gonna give yourself more gray hairs if you keep worrying about everything.”

Peter raised an eyebrow as Neal backed away with a childish grin on his face, something he absolutely loved when it came to Neal, and said, “I hope you realize that you’re the reason I have all of these gray hairs.”

“You sure it’s not because you’re getting old?”

Peter gaped at him. “Wait until that damn hair dye comes out and we’ll count your gray hairs, smartass.” Neal giggled in response. “You’re almost thirty-nine years old, you little shit.”

“And I probably still have less gray hair than you.”

That was it. Neal opened himself up right there and Peter took the opportunity, tackling his husband to the floor. He swatted his ass one last time for good measure, eliciting a loud and simultaneous laugh and yelp from his husband, before tickling him. Neal kept laughing, giggling, and writhing around as Peter played with him. This had to be one of the cutest things he’s ever seen regarding Neal. Neal’s guard was completely down, he was carefree, and he was enjoying himself with Peter.

When Neal tried to escape, Peter pulled him right back. “Oh, no. You’re not going anywhere.” He assaulted Neal with kisses then and pinned Neal’s hands near Neal’s ears. “How about that, smartass?” he said breathlessly as he hovered over his husband who sounded just as breathless as him. “My gray hairs don’t mean I’m too old to play with you.”

“That was so much fun,” Neal said, grinning up at Peter. Peter could see the tears in Neal’s eyes and figured it was from all of the laughing he’d done.

Peter pressed a gentle kiss on Neal’s lips, intertwining their fingers as he did so. He was straddling Neal’s body and could feel just how much fun Neal had through Neal’s pants. “I’m just glad you didn’t piss yourself,” he teased.

Neal chuckled and tightened his grip on Peter’s fingers. “I’ll admit, I came pretty close.” Peter laughed and kissed Neal’s forehead. “I mean it. That was a lot of fun, Peter.”

The older man let his mind wander for a moment as he pressed his ass against Neal’s body. He really liked how Neal’s erection felt against him and he still kind of wondered how it would feel inside of him. After talking to Nicky, he gave a possible first time with Neal that way some consideration. He’s known Neal for almost seven years and they’d been married for four-going-on-five of those seven years. He trusted Neal more than anyone and… He decided to let it go. The last time he’d talked to Neal about this, Neal was very opposed to the idea.

“I’m glad, sweetheart,” he murmured. “I love seeing you smile and laugh like that. It makes me very happy.” He slid off of Neal and lifted Neal into a sitting position, smiling lovingly at him and receiving that same look in return. “You’re always very beautiful, but you’re glowing right now.” Neal blushed and Peter lifted his hand to caress Neal’s cheek. “Don’t be embarrassed by that. I think it’s wonderful.”

Neal scooted closer to his husband and leaned against him, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder while looking up at the older man’s face as he whispered, “This is why I love you.”

•◊•

Neal woke up at six-thirty and made a disappointed sound when he realized Peter wasn’t in bed with him. He knew Peter had taken Hannah and Jon to the airport so they could make their flight early, but he still wished Peter was with him. He turned over and felt Peter’s pillow. It was a little cold, but his warmth was still there.

He thought about texting Peter, but he figured Peter was driving or helping his parents with their suitcases, so he didn’t want to be a bother. Instead, he stretched himself out a bit, groaning when his arms and legs popped quietly. The two of them, after they’d finished messing around downstairs, had gone up to their bedroom and made very sweet love. They’d both been exhausted after forty-five minutes of lovemaking and after all of their downstairs play. It was fun—there was no doubt about that—and Neal loved every moment of it.

Around seven, he forced himself out of bed, to pull a robe on, and went into Nicky’s room after knocking on the door. “Hey, kiddo. It’s time to get ready for school.”

Nicky groaned and said, “Dad, it’s Saturday.” Neal’s brows furrowed. Was it really? He glanced at the calendar on Nicky’s wall and looked a little sheepish. It was Saturday and he’d just woken his son up at seven in the morning for no reason. “Go back to sleep.”

Neal smirked and nodded. “You go back to sleep, too. I love you, Nick.”

“I love you, daddy,” Nicky whispered when Neal turned the light off and left the teenager’s bedroom. He stood there for a few moments and thought about some things. Did he want to go back to bed and wait for Peter, which would probably lead to more lovemaking? Or did he want to wait for Peter downstairs with a coffee in hand because he knew Peter would be practically dead upon going to bed late and having to get up early?

He headed downstairs and got the coffee going for his husband. He figured Peter would probably need it.

Shortly after seven-thirty, he heard the door unlocking and Peter came in quietly. Peter kicked off his shoes and was heading for the stairs until he smelled the coffee, then he veered off and made his way into the kitchen. “Well, good morning, sleepyhead. I wasn’t expecting you to be up just yet.”

Neal smiled up at him before Peter gave him a kiss. “I woke up about an hour ago and was starting to get Nicky up for school. He promptly told me it’s the weekend and asked me to go back to bed.” Peter chuckled, glancing at his husband’s disheveled hair. He thought it was perfect just the way it was and wished Neal would style it like this. Post-sex hair did wonders for Neal’s already wondrous self. “I could just pour coffee on myself and we could make love like that.”

Peter startled before laughing. “No, please. Let’s not do that. I’d prefer that you be hot and steamy without literally burning and steaming.” Neal smirked as Peter caressed the side of his face. He leaned into Peter’s palm without tearing his eyes away from Peter’s. In Peter’s eyes, he could see just how much Peter loves him. “You’re so perfect to me,” Peter whispered as he stared back at Neal and saw the same love that he felt for Neal in Neal’s eyes.

“And you’re just as perfect to me,” Neal said in response. “Nobody could even hold a candle to your perfection.”

They were both silent for a few moments before Peter asked, “Are you naked under that?” Neal grinned as he silently nodded. “Please tell me I can take you right here and now.”

“What if Nicky comes downstairs?”

“His room is just above us. If the floor creaks, we know we have to stop.” He wasn’t trying to be forceful by any means. He was just really happy and thrilled with Neal. He wanted to express that because he felt like words weren’t enough to tell Neal just how perfect he thought Neal was. “We don’t have to do anything right now. We can wait a little bit longer.”

Neal’s stomach growled and he whispered, “Will you feed me?”

Peter nodded. “Yeah. We have pancakes and—” Neal raised an eyebrow, giving him a look. “Oh. _Oh._ Oh, yes.” Neal smirked once Peter got it. The older man even moaned at the thought. “How do you want me?”

“Just the way you are,” Neal teased, receiving a gentle and appreciative smile from his husband. “You stay put.” Peter nodded and watched Neal unfasten the belt he’d looped through his jeans. “You know, normal people don’t put belts on at six in the morning on a Saturday.” Peter chuckled and stroked Neal’s hair as Neal unbuckled the belt and worked on unbuttoning Peter’s pants. “Jesus. Could you make this any more complicated?” The older man rolled his eyes, thinking his husband was absolutely adorable. “Finally,” he said the second he unbuttoned and unzipped Peter’s pants. He dropped to his knees and looked up at Peter. Peter kept stroking his husband’s hair, soothing him despite the evident frustration he went through trying to take care of Peter’s clothing.

“I didn’t think I was going to have to feed you when I woke up this morning, so I’m kind of overdressed. Sorry, honey.” Neal rubbed his face against Peter’s front, smiling up at his husband softly now that he’d relaxed. Peter watched his husband wordlessly—he was afraid of breaking the trance he was in as he watched Neal close his eyes and smile as he just…rubbed his face against Peter’s body. Neal looked so damn beautiful and content simultaneously.

When he finally shifted, he opened his eyes and looked up at Peter. If Peter hadn’t already been hard, he definitely was now. He slipped his fingers into Peter’s briefs and gently tugged them out of the way, releasing Peter’s erection. Neal just continued to smile at him before sticking his tongue out, tentatively licking the tip. Peter moaned and Neal murmured, “Hey. Take it easy on the precome. I’m just getting started.”

Peter laughed lightly. “At least you know how attractive you are to me.” Neal smirked up at him before taking the head of Peter’s cock into his mouth, licking the underside gently. “If you’re careful,” Peter warned, “you have used your teeth before.” Neal looked a little impressed by that and figured he could attempt it. Slowly, he took more of Peter’s hardened member into his mouth. He slid his tongue along the underside, stroking the vein ever so slightly. And, as carefully as he could, he grazed his teeth along Peter’s sensitive skin, attempting to see whether or not he could still do it. When he elicited a moan from his husband rather than a cry, he figured he was doing it right. “Oh, sweetheart… Mm…” Neal felt Peter’s fingers tighten in his hair and he was absolutely okay with that as long as Peter didn’t _yank_ him by the hair.

Neal shivered for a moment as he listened to the sounds of his husband’s pleasure. He regretted having to break away after bobbing his head back and forth a few times, but he needed a quick breath and wanted to smile up at Peter again. “How am I doing, lover?”

“Don’t ever worry about that,” Peter said breathlessly, smiling down at his husband. He kept running his fingers through Neal’s hair even as Neal took him back into his mouth and bobbed his head back and forth. Peter didn’t rush him or slow him down. He let Neal determine the pace and Neal was actually enjoying the blowjob he was giving his husband. He liked how Peter tasted and couldn’t wait for Peter to shoot into his mouth and hopefully down his throat. “Baby…” Neal made a sound of acknowledgment, humming, and Peter staggered back a bit. He needed to grab the counter to keep himself steady. “Jesus. I almost came.”

Neal looked up at his husband and hummed again, watching the effect it had on him. Peter’s eyes closed and he looked like he was in heaven. He also looked like he was trying to hold back. Neal rolled his eyes and retracted his tongue for a moment before slipping it into the slit at the head of Peter’s cock. Peter shuddered and let himself go—releasing in Neal’s mouth.

The younger man struggled to keep every last drop in his mouth, but he managed. He kept his eyes on Peter and waited for Peter to finally open his eyes before sitting back. He let Peter go with a very audible slurping sound before swallowing everything Peter had given him. Peter stared at him in awe before caressing the side of Neal’s face, rubbing his cheekbone gently. “Did I suck at blowjobs before?”

Peter shook his head. “No. You’ve always been great at them. Your mouth just… Let me just tell you that you have no idea how you affect me sometimes.” Just then, the floor creaked above them. Both men quickly readjusted Peter’s briefs, pants, and belt in the hopes that Nicky wouldn’t look at them and know what they’d just done. Neal was moving around to get breakfast going and Peter caught the sight of his face and he immediately whispered, “Corner of your mouth. Quick.” Neal gave him a puzzled look before mimicking the face Peter made, sticking his tongue out to lick the right corner of his mouth.

“Oops,” Neal whispered, realizing he hadn’t gotten everything in one swallow. “Anything else?”

The older man stepped closer and looked at Neal critically before shaking his head. “You look perfect.” He leaned towards his husband and gave him an open-mouthed kiss, eliciting a startled yelp followed by a quiet giggle. Peter decided to take the moment even further, wrapping his arms around Neal to grab his ass.

“Peter!” Neal squeaked. “Peter Michael!” He pressed himself right up against Peter’s front and laughed as Peter proceeded to squeeze his ass.

The second Peter started nibbling on Neal’s neck, Nicky appeared and Neal had to stop Peter. “What?” Peter whined even though he knew Nicky was right there.

Nicky watched them with mixed feelings. As a teenager, his mentality was ‘get a room.’ As their son, he was really happy that they were this happy with each other. “Oh, please. Proceed. Don’t let me interrupt,” Nicky said sarcastically.

Peter glanced over his shoulder without releasing Neal’s ass and said, “What? You don’t like it when I grope your father?” Neal smacked Peter’s arm and Nicky chuckled in response. Peter jerked Neal forward and lifted him, relishing in the fact that Neal immediately wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and his legs around Peter’s waist almost instantaneously.

“Peter Michael,” he hissed in Peter’s ear. “Put me down right now.” He raised an eyebrow as he stared at his husband. He wasn’t entirely into public displays of affection when it came to their family, but he guessed that it was probably something he and Peter used to be absolutely okay with. “Peter,” he said, dragging his husband’s name out in a very annoying manner.

The older man laughed and kissed Neal’s jaw before setting him down. “I love you,” Peter murmured as he pecked Neal’s lips.

“You know I love you, too.” Peter nodded, giving him a small, intimate smile that Neal understood. He rubbed Peter’s chest and returned the smile.

Nicky watched his fathers silently, enjoying how happy they were. He figured Peter was likely to make an issue of something else very soon, so he was allowing himself to absorb their contentment with each other. “Did grandma and grandpa make it to the airport safely?”

“Of course, my little smartass,” Peter said, rolling his eyes at his son. “You know better than anyone that I drive safely when my loved ones are in the vehicle with me.” Nicky grinned. He knew Peter was a great driver, but he loved to mess with him after Peter nearly got into an accident on the way to school one morning. It definitely hadn’t been his fault, but Nicky was merciless and couldn’t let it go. Peter moved towards his son and ruffled his hair, muttering, “You are just like your daddy—smartasses.”

“Love you, poppa,” Nicky giggled as he fixed his messy hair. Peter smiled at the teenager, appreciating those three words more than Nicky realized. Every time Nicky told Peter he loved him, Peter felt fantastic. He knew Nicky didn’t consider him a stepfather, nor did he consider Nicky his stepson, but it was still nice to see that he meant as much to Nicky as Neal does.

“Love you, too, Nick.” He kissed his son’s forehead and smiled down at him. “Not that I want to embarrass you so early in the morning, but I didn’t get to tell you last night how proud I am of you for coming to dad and me last night. I’m glad you didn’t take things into your own hands without asking a few questions first.”

Nicky shrugged, trying to hide his blush as he looked away. “You two are the sexperts in the house. Well, the _gay_ sexperts, so I figured you wouldn’t mind listening and giving me your own input.”

Peter laughed. “Sexperts. Nice.” Neal grinned widely at the exchange. Peter and Nicky were fantastic together and he figured that was why he’d chosen Peter to be his husband in the first place. The two of them seemed like they had great chemistry. “Shouldn’t you be watching Saturday morning cartoons or something?”

The teenager rolled his eyes. “Those aren’t a thing anymore, poppa. That’s so forty-plus years ago.”

Neal burst into a fit of laughter considering he’d teased Peter about being old the night before. “Hush, you,” Peter muttered. “Go turn the television on, Nick. Dad and I are going to start breakfast before the twins wake up.” Nicky nodded, winking at his dad before heading out. He knew they were always on the same page when it came to teasing Peter. “See? That brat is just as bratty as his daddy.”

“But you love us both so much,” Neal insisted, batting his eyelashes at his husband. Peter shoved him playfully and Neal chuckled.

“I endure your existence because you’re a smart brunette with blue eyes.” Neal grinned even as he went about getting the waffles mix out since it was Nicky’s favorite breakfast. “It’s impossible to not love the two of you so much.” He rested his hand on Neal’s back, rubbing up and down slowly. “I’m incredibly lucky to have the family you’ve created with me. If I were religious, I may even consider myself blessed.” Neal looked up at him as he said, “Fuck that. I _am_ blessed. It wasn’t coincidence that I met my soulmate one morning and fell so in love with him and his son.”

Neal wished he knew what to say in response. He couldn’t really remember a whole lot about the early parts of their relationship. “Not coincidence,” he agreed, “but definitely destiny. Every time I look at you, I feel like we’re just meant to be—like nothing can tear us apart.”

Peter nodded. “You’re remarkable,” he commented, leaning forward to kiss Neal’s neck. “I’m grateful for you every single time I lay my eyes on you. I wouldn’t know true happiness if I didn’t have you.”

The younger man set the waffles mix down on the countertop and wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck, kissing him sweetly before whispering, “You belong with me. You deserve to be happy and I want to be the one who always makes you happy.”

Resting his forehead against Neal’s, Peter nodded once again. “You have one thing wrong though.” Neal made a sound of question. “I don’t belong with you. I belong _to_ you. My heart could never belong to anyone else if something were to happen to us. I know how it feels to not have you here and it hurts—so much. No one could ever fill the void you’d leave behind if you left me.”

Neal couldn’t tear his eyes away from Peter’s the moment their gazes locked. He knew how honest Peter was being with him and he loved that more than anything else. Peter’s honesty has gotten him through a lot. He hasn’t had any reason to _not_ trust or believe his husband’s words. “I’ll never leave you,” Neal promised. “I’ll never allow myself to walk away from this. You make me so happy. Leaving you and knowing how empty and hurt you would be inside would destroy me after everything you and I have been through.” His eyes watered as he said, “We’ve fought for _this._ This is far too strong a bond to ever truly dissolve. And like you can’t stop loving me, I refuse to stop loving you.”

Peter stared at Neal in awed silence. The only way he could possibly respond to that was by kissing his husband as passionately as he could before embracing him tightly. He breathed Neal in and whispered, “Spending forever with you isn’t long enough.”

Both men smiled as they held onto each other. “Eternity,” Neal suggested. “It just keeps on going and going with no end in sight.”

The older man nodded against Neal, kissing his neck. “That’s perfect, honey. Perfect.” He closed his eyes and allowed himself to _feel_ Neal—his heart, his body, his soul. “ _Eternity_ with you is a dream come true.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished my first final today and it was the only one I was really stressed about. I have a very good feeling about that particular exam and I started writing this chapter as soon as I left the classroom. Thanks to the mood I was in, this chapter was light-hearted and full of fluff. It doesn't always have to be angsty, right?
> 
> In regards to the Christmas fic, the poll is still open to anyone interested in selecting a few ideas recommended by several readers. Right now, there's a three-way (one vote off of a four-way) tie going on right now. Yikes! I think you're able to vote more than once, but I'm not entirely sure if you have to be on a different device to vote again. Either way, I'm really hoping this three-way tie will become a two-way tie by the 18th. My sister likes all of the ideas you all suggested and she agreed to be a tie-breaker if it comes down to two. I'm really looking forward to working on whichever prompt is selected! Every prompt was fantastic in its own way! If you have any questions, feel free to comment here, tweet me on twitter, or PM me on Fanfiction.net. My username on twitter is jawlinefordays and my FF.net username is AnakinCaffrey. Thank you all so much! Until the next update!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal discuss the initial plans regarding Rachel.

Neal sat in Peter’s office at the bureau with their twins. He was on the floor of the office and trying to keep them quiet while Peter was on the phone. He was there because Reese had called in the middle of the night to say he wanted to draw Rachel out—now. He wanted all of this to be over. He’d lost an agent and could potentially lose another depending on what happened out there. Peter was allowing Neal to be used as bait, but they realized that they needed things to seem convincing. It couldn’t be obvious that Neal had a wire or that he was working with the FBI. As far as Rachel knew, he didn’t have his memory and she didn’t think it was possible for him to recover anything. In the time that she’d been with him, she had squashed every potential opportunity for him to regain some memory. It was all part of her power play. She’d always wanted control over Neal.

As soon as Peter set his work phone down, he sighed and Neal looked up at him concernedly. He knew Peter was stressed out and he really didn’t blame him. Peter, more than anyone, wanted this to be over. He wanted the target off of their family’s back. He wanted the woman who’d taken Neal from him—in more ways than one—to disappear on his own terms. “What’s wrong?” Neal asked quietly, hoping Peter would open up to him about whatever happened. He’d heard Peter’s end of the conversation and Peter sounded very professional and agreed to whatever was being said, but Neal didn’t know everything just yet.

“Everything,” Peter whispered in frustration, glancing at his husband and their twins. “We have no guarantee that she’ll be there and there’s always the risk of you being injured in some way.” He shook his head and palmed his face. He was so frustrated with all of this. Reese and the higher ups were authorizing this sting as long as Rachel was brought in. There was no guarantee of that either. If she smelled a setup, this was all over. “She’s in the city and she’s already killed a civilian and two police officers. The civilian was an innocent bystander and the officers were just doing their job when they realized who she was. Evidently, she’s armed and we know she’s shooting to kill.”

“But she loves me,” Neal said. “She wouldn’t kill me if she loves me. Maybe she’ll come out of hiding and try to convince me that I would be better off with her because she could love me more.” Neal watched his husband’s shoulders and back tense. It hurt his heart because he didn’t like seeing Peter upset about anything. He wanted everything to be okay. As long as Rachel was out there, she posed a threat to their family—and that wasn’t okay. “I’m not going to fall for her lies, Peter. I know better now. I know where I belong and who I belong to.” As Joey crawled all over him, he said, “This is my family. You and the kids are the loves of my life. I know better than to believe anything that comes out of her mouth. She lied to me for God knows how long, but you’ve only told me the truth. You’re the one I trust before anyone else.”

Peter rose from his chair and moved to take a seat beside his husband and their twins on the floor. He leaned against Neal and was grateful when Neal slid an arm around him. Despite having always been the ‘stronger’ half between the two of them, Peter would admit to his weaknesses with Neal. Neal, after all, was his biggest weakness. “I’m afraid of losing you. I’ve already lost you too many times,” he whispered to Neal. “When I found you in that brothel that day, I thought you knew me. I thought everything was going to be fine because I had you again.”

Neal nodded solemnly. “And my memory loss complicated things.”

“No,” Peter insisted. “I mean, it did hurt us at first, but we made it through that initial hurdle and look at where we are right now.” Neal slid his hand up and down Peter’s back, hoping he was soothing his tense husband. “I admit that there were times when I thought I wouldn’t get all of you—or any of you—back. That scared me more than anything else. Believing that you could never love me or look at me the way you did before…hurt.” He nuzzled his face against Neal’s and whispered, “We made it past that—well beyond that actually.”

“You’re afraid that, if she takes me away, I’ll lose everything again.” Peter nodded and Neal lifted his hand to cradle the back of Peter’s head. “I won’t let that happen,” he whispered fiercely. “I don’t want to forget any of this ever again. We’ve spent too much time and effort piecing things back together as best we could for her to swoop in and take all of that away from us.” He stroked Peter’s hair and said, “I will fight to the bitter end. I refuse to lose this. If anything goes wrong, I’m not letting her take this from me again.” Peter sat up and stared into his husband’s eyes, seeing the fierce determination in Neal’s azure eyes. “I promise you that you will never have to go through this again. I won’t allow it.”

Peter felt so conflicted. Neal had lost his memories because of Rachel before and he still didn’t understand that situation completely, so he didn’t know what methods of torture Rachel would harm Neal with. He didn’t really know how it’d happened the first time either. “I love you. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

Neal sighed quietly. “I won’t. The important things are unforgettable, remember?” Peter nodded, rubbing Neal’s thigh for a few moments before Joey decided that he wanted to lie all over Neal’s leg. “All of this means too much to me. I didn’t completely lose that sense of importance when you brought me home. I knew there was something about you and I had an instant connection with Nicky. Before I knew what was going on, I realized that my relationships with all of you were important in some way.”

“Daddy! Daddy!” Neal looked down at their daughter and smiled when she pushed herself up and stood in front of him. She leaned forward and puckered her lips. Neal smirked and waited. He wanted her to talk a little more if she could. She opened her eyes and looked at him for a moment before pouting. “Kiss, daddy?”

“That’s my girl,” Neal said animatedly. Her face lit up and she puckered her lips for him again. He gave her a quick kiss and hugged her. “Does poppa get one, too?”

Brie turned towards Peter and giggled at him. “Kiss, poppa?”

Peter smiled lovingly at his daughter as he held his arms out for her. She jumped right out of Neal’s arms and into Peter’s, kissing him instantly. “You’ve got her trained,” he commented. “Poppa loves you, sweet girl,” he cooed at her, eliciting a quiet giggle from her as well as his husband.

“I started asking for kisses when I put them to bed at night,” Neal told him. “Maybe you should start laying them down with me so they’ll _want_ your kisses more.”

“I think I will from now on,” Peter said. He loved how much the twins had been talking since Neal started staying with them all by himself. Neal read books to them, played with them, talked to them, and just… He was everything Peter loved about Neal being a dad. He’d come home to Neal rolling around on the floor one night. After a very exhausting day, watching his husband as the twins jumped on him repeatedly, giggling all the while, was absolutely adorable. The daddy in Neal was really starting to show now that he was with them twenty-four-seven.

Neal watched Peter intently, searching his face in an attempt to determine what Peter was thinking about as he gazed at their daughter lovingly. Joey was crawling all over Neal and Neal finally tore his gaze away from Peter when Joey yanked at his hair two or three times. “Ow. Geez, Joey. You’ve got daddy’s attention now.”

Peter chuckled as Neal managed to take Joey’s hand and hold it in his own so Joey wouldn’t pull on his hair anymore. “Daddy,” the toddler said eagerly. Neal stared at him, waiting for whatever it was that Joey wanted. When Joey bounced on him, he raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Play, daddy?”

“When we go home, daddy will play with you. We’re at work with poppa right now.” Joey looked like he comprehended what Neal said to him, but Neal really had no clue if the toddler understood. “Daddy will play with you at home, Joey.” Joey bounced excitedly on Neal’s thigh and Neal just smiled up at him, holding his hips to keep him from tumbling to the side or backwards. Once the energetic toddler calmed down and went back to playing with the toys Neal had brought along, Neal glanced at his husband and asked, “When can we go home? We’ve got to get Nicky soon.” Pausing for a moment, Neal asked, “Is he going to fit in the back with the twins and their seats?”

Peter considered that for a moment. “Yikes. I didn’t think about that. Maybe we should get a minivan for family travels.” Neal nodded and Peter kept looking at him, seemingly lost in thought. “In your honest opinion, where do you believe you are in regards to your driving skills?”

“I’m pretty sure I could drive if you let me.” He had only lost his memories. It didn’t seem like he’d lost any of his abilities such as reading, writing, and speaking. Perhaps he still had the ability to drive. They wouldn’t know until he got behind the wheel though. “We could drive around the block once when we get home—just to see if I can still do it.”

The older man said, “Or I could let you try to drive us home.” Neal seemed a little intimidated by that and Peter completely understood. It’d been several months since the last time Neal had driven a car. He felt very confident in Neal’s ability to drive because Neal knew how to load an FBI-issued gun rather quickly considering he had no recollection of his training. It’d become an instinct, so Peter assumed driving might be the same for Neal. “Don’t worry, honey. If you get behind the wheel and feel too afraid to try it, it’s okay.”

Neal wanted to challenge that and tell Peter he didn’t fear the car or being behind the wheel. He stopped himself because he considered how long it’s been since he last drove a car. Maybe Peter was right. Maybe he would be too afraid to drive. “I don’t want the kids in the car,” he whispered. “If I fuck up, I don’t want to hurt them.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s thigh and said, “Honey, you’ll be just fine. You’ve always been a cautious driver because of the kids. I know how much they mean to you and I trust you.” Those last three words hit Neal hard. He didn’t realize how much he needed and wanted to hear those words until Peter actually said them. “I trust you,” he repeated.

Hesitating for a brief moment, Neal nodded. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

Peter smiled because he knew that. Neal had a very hard time trusting others since he was thirteen years old. He hadn’t been able to trust a father figure and that transferred into being unable to trust any potential partners. It hadn’t really taken Peter a whole hell of a lot of time to earn Neal’s trust, especially after Neal told him about being raped by Vincent, but he’d needed to earn it nonetheless.

Neal liked being trustworthy and Peter hadn’t ever felt like he couldn’t trust Neal with his life. He also understood Neal’s feelings regarding that because his own mother hadn’t believed him, hadn’t trusted that he was telling the truth. Over the years, Peter knew he’d obliterated Neal’s trust in him because he’d accused Neal of cheating on him a couple times. If Peter couldn’t trust him to be faithful, Neal felt like he’d absolutely failed. All he ever wanted was to make Peter happy, to make his son happy. Nicky trusted Neal without a doubt and Peter needed to make sure he made his own trust in Neal very clear. “I trust you with my life,” he whispered. “Even now, after you lost your memories, I still know I can trust you with my life.”

“Really?” Neal asked, sounding genuinely surprised by that.

“Absolutely.” He realized that he’d inferred that he didn’t trust Neal a few times recently—starting off with Neal’s rendezvous with Mozzie. “I know you’ll never do anything with the intention of hurting me. I know you love me, Neal, and I’ve known you long enough to know you’ll be overly cautious even if you don’t need to be.” Unless Neal was speeding. Peter recalled being terrified in the passenger seat as he let Neal drive, which developed into a high speed run across Manhattan to save a child. Neal only ever did things with good intentions.

Neal smiled silently in response, appreciating that more than Peter would ever realize.

•◊•

Neal managed to unlock the car door without any issues and he and Peter put the twins into their seats in the back. As soon as he was sitting in the driver’s seat, he froze up. He felt strange, like this was all really familiar to him. It was a good kind of strange. “You okay?” Peter asked, noticing Neal’s lack of movement.

A sudden and mild pain was developing in Neal’s back as he sat there with Peter staring at him concernedly. To Peter, it looked like Neal was remembering something and he hoped to God that it wasn’t something regarding Vincent. “We had sex behind the wheel once.”

Peter’s face heated up. They tried it _once._ After that initial try, they discovered that it wasn’t nearly as pleasurable as anything else they’d tried together and agreed that they never wanted to try it again. It really hadn’t helped that Neal’s space was confined and he’d tried very hard to avoid hitting the car horn in the process. “Yes,” Peter whispered. He watched the way Neal’s back arched suddenly and knew he was experiencing that moment again. “Um, honey?”

Neal snapped himself out of it and looked at his husband. “Yes?” He saw how flushed Peter’s face was and realized he’d spoken aloud. He thought he kept his revelation to himself, but apparently not. “Sorry. I was caught up in the moment.” He cleared his throat and put the key into the ignition, turning it to start up the car. He surprised himself a bit just by doing that without thinking about it. After pulling his seatbelt on, he surprised himself even further as he allowed himself to just feel what he was doing rather than think about it.

He’d backed out of the parking space and turned the car all in one swift movement. Peter gaped at his husband upon realizing that Neal’s driving was engrained into him as well. “Wow,” he said quietly when Neal began to drive them home. “You looked so… It looked so natural.”

“I’m just doing what feels right,” Neal said in response. He wasn’t over-thinking it at all. He just let himself and his instincts do what they needed to do. He kept his eyes on the road and, Peter realized, even drove with one hand on the wheel.

It also looked like Neal didn’t have to think about where he was going, which he found really impressive. Sure, Neal had gone back and forth between home and the bureau recently, but he wasn’t expecting Neal to drive them home without making at least one mistake.

The second Neal pulled into the driveway and parked the car, he paused and looked around. It was like he just realized they actually made it home. “Jesus Christ.” He glanced at Peter and could see how impressed his husband was. Upon seeing that look on Peter’s face, his own face lit up. “That was fantastic, honey.” He reached over and stroked his husband’s cheek. “Great job.” Since Neal had no problem getting them home, he figured he would let Neal drive them to Nicky’s school in about two hours to pick him up.

Both men carried a toddler into the house and set them down immediately upon getting inside. They had a lot of pent up energy that needed to be released. “I didn’t think I’d be able to do it,” Neal said to Peter as the twins ran around a little in front of them.

Peter wrapped his arm around Neal’s waist and tugged him closer, kissing his cheek. “Have faith in yourself. I had faith in you.” Neal giggled quietly and leaned against Peter, watching their twins with him. “My faith and trust in you has never been misguided.” He kissed Neal’s temple before releasing him, heading into the kitchen to make lunch for them. He was really proud of Neal and was relieved that he’d conveyed that to his husband.

The laughter of his two toddlers and his husband brought him an immeasurable amount of joy as he pulled out the means of making some sandwiches and grabbed canned spaghetti and meatballs for the twins. He could really get used to this being his life. And he hoped it would always be like this once Rachel was gone for good. Like Neal, he intended on killing Rachel. She was a monster in her own right for what she’d done to Neal. Once her threat was removed, Peter knew things would be much easier.

Neal wouldn’t go behind his back anymore and Peter wouldn’t have to occasionally withhold information from his husband. When they were safe again, they could be as happy as they wanted to be. No one else in their lives held the potential to cause Neal any more pain, but he’d always watch over his husband to make sure no one came too close and took advantage of him again.

“Hey,” Neal whispered as he slid his arms around Peter’s midsection. Peter smiled over his shoulder at his husband and rested a hand on Neal’s, stroking his skin gently. “I love you—and thank you for letting me drive.”

Peter chuckled and shook his head. “You don’t have to thank me for that, angel. You’re an adult—same as me.” Neal really appreciated hearing that considering the number of times he’d accused Peter of treating him like a child. Hearing that he was an adult—being acknowledged as an adult—thrilled him. And Peter could see how happy Neal became after that. He figured he’d talked down to Neal too many times since bringing him back and Neal probably liked being treated his own age. “I love you, hon. I love you a lot.”

While Peter made them ham sandwiches—regular ham rather than deviled-ham—Neal put the twins’ spaghetti into two smaller bowls. Glancing over his shoulder to watch his husband, Peter smiled lovingly. He was glad things were going back to normal between them. Neal was being his natural daddy-self and now he was driving again.

The twins had come into the kitchen to be with them. Joey was grabbing at Neal’s pants and Brie was standing beside Peter, looking up at him in awe because he was so tall. To her, he was a giant. “Poppa,” she cooed up at him, getting his attention immediately. She giggled up at him, especially when Peter reached down to stroke her head gently.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said softly. “Look at my little girl.” Neal grinned as he watched his husband. Peter was a great father every time Neal watched him. Brie made a bunch of excited sounds and tugged at Peter’s pants. “You’re going to pull my pants down if you keep doing that,” he teased her. “We don’t want daddy getting too excited now, do we?” He smirked over at his husband who proceeded to roll his eyes.

“Daddy,” Joey moaned, rubbing his face against Neal’s leg to get his attention. Neal immediately stroked Joey’s hair and focused on him. “Uppa, daddy.”

Neal smiled and bent over, picking his son up. The toddler squealed excitedly and proceeded to play with Neal’s hair the second he was close enough. “Silly boy,” Neal murmured. Peter watched Joey mess with Neal’s hair, disheveling half of it as best he could. What made him smile was the fact that Neal didn’t even care. He just let Joey do whatever Joey wanted and smiled the whole time. His eyes were lit up and he just looked so happy while holding his son.

Peter could imagine Neal being exactly like that with Nicky, especially since it’d just been the two of them for the longest time. Joey giggled when Neal nuzzled his face against Joey’s chest and made a bunch of noises. As much as Peter enjoyed watching his husband with their son, he needed to finish their sandwiches so they could all eat their lunch and head back to the bureau for a little while before picking Nicky up from school.

The second Peter was done with their ham sandwiches, he said, “Okay, my babies. Let’s eat.” Neal set Joey down to let him walk, but he and Brie darted out into the living room. Peter chuckled and took the plate with their sandwiches off of the countertop, pausing beside his husband to kiss his cheek. “You’re beautiful.”

“As are you,” Neal said instantly. He turned to pick up the bowls for the twins and carried them out into the living room with Peter walking a step behind him. The two of them took a seat on the floor in front of the coffee table and let the twins feed themselves since they’d proven capable of doing so lately. “So…” Neal whispered, feeling awkward even as he ate beside his husband. He wanted to talk about their plans for Rachel, but things were great right now and he knew Peter hated talking about Rachel and loathed discussing the operation that was in place—simply because it involved Neal.

Peter locked gazes with him and nodded slowly. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I don’t know how we’re going to do this just yet, but I’m scared as hell and I’m not afraid to admit that to you.” Neal bit his lip. He really didn’t like worrying Peter like this. He’d considered backing out, but it was far too late for that now. The higher-ups were expecting results and Neal had signed on to take part in all of this. He’d been authorized despite initial speculation. “I’ve always promised to protect you when I can. I don’t know what to do now because I’m putting you in harm’s way. Harm may even be an understatement. I don’t know what she’ll do to you, Neal. That’s what scares me the most.”

Neal nodded, releasing his lip. “Talk to me,” he pleaded quietly. “I know you’re afraid. Tell me everything. You need to be open with me about this.”

The older man hesitated. He didn’t want to frighten Neal with his thoughts, but he wanted to be upfront and honest with him nonetheless. “I…have had nightmares about possible scenarios,” he admitted, setting his sandwich down. Neal did the same and gave Peter all of his attention. The twins were eating quietly beside them and they’d immediately take care of them if needed. “I’ve watched you die, Neal. I’ve watched the life drain out of you right before my eyes. Granted, it was all fake, but I watched you die.” He shuddered and Neal immediately gripped his hand to keep him grounded to reality so he didn’t slip back into that. “I carried your lifeless body after you died in front of me.” Tears were welling up in his eyes as he stared at Neal. “I _never_ want to do that again. I _can’t_ lose you again and I’m so damn afraid that I will.”

Peter wrenched his hand out of Neal’s, briefly hurting Neal’s feelings, but he wrapped his arms around Neal and held him seconds later, crying quietly against him. “I won’t do that to you again,” he whispered. He couldn’t remember when he’d faked his death, but he figured he would at some point if Peter kept describing it to him. He could imagine the pain he’d caused Peter though and figured what he was imagining wasn’t even half of what Peter actually felt. “I’m not going anywhere. I have too much to live and fight for.”

Peter pressed his mouth against Neal’s neck and Neal could feel his warm breath as he continued to cry quietly. Neal rubbed Peter’s back and rested his head against Peter’s. “I know I’ve been such an asshole to you, but I love you so much more than I can ever express. I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t want to live without you.” Neal nodded, listening to his husband. Peter kept all of his feelings and thoughts pent up and Neal knew he needed to let it all out at some point. “I’m responsible for protecting you, for bringing you home to our children. I’ve always been responsible in that aspect,” he whispered. “I always promised Nicky that I’d find you and bring you home to him.”

“And you always did,” Neal told him. “You’ve saved me countless times and brought me home.” He closed his eyes and listened to Peter’s erratic breaths. “We’re going to make it through this. We’re going to take her down and we’ll come home to our kids _together._ ”

The older man nodded silently, pressing gentle kisses against Neal’s skin. “You need to come home with me.”

“I will, Peter. I will,” he whispered, finding himself on the brink of tears as well.

Peter let out a staggering breath before whispering, “Promise me.”

Neal nodded against him. “I promise. I promise I will come home with you.” He was hellbent on keeping that promise to his husband because Peter truly needed him to keep it. “I promise,” he repeated, kissing Peter’s hair. “I promise.”

•◊•

Peter glanced at his husband who was sitting across from him. He was at his work computer, typing up a few things he was behind on, but he was mostly waiting for Reese to finish putting things together for their operation. Neal was texting quite a bit since they’d come back and he was curious. “Who’re you texting so much?” He didn’t sound accusatory—or at least he hoped he didn’t. He was mildly curious, but he highly doubted Neal was texting a man on the side.

“Mozzie,” he said, lifting his eyes from the phone screen to meet Peter’s. “I… I’m thanking him for watching the kids while we’re here. Also, dad texted me to say things are fantastic and he hopes we’re doing all right.” Peter gave Neal a small smile. “I was kind of updating him on how well the twins are doing with their speech lately. I’m really excited because they’re starting to talk a little more.”

“And that’s because of you,” Peter said softly, eliciting a blush from Neal. “I know it’s been hard—coming back to a marriage and three children. I’m very proud of you, Neal, and I think you’re doing very well.” He could see how much Neal appreciated his words and he made a mental note to compliment Neal as often as he could—as long as he wasn’t doing it for the sake of making Neal smile. “You have always been so free around children and they love how much you play with and read to them, hon.”

Neal nodded, running his fingers through his hair. It was a nervous gesture that Peter could understand. “I love being with them. Like you said, it was hard at first, but things are starting to feel… I don’t know. Natural?”

Peter chuckled. “I wouldn’t doubt that. The way you were playing with Nicky when I met you seemed very natural, so it makes sense that you’re the same way with the twins.” He reached out and Neal was quick to rest his hand on Peter’s. They shared a silent moment with each other, taking that time to convey that they appreciated their relationship with each other and the relationships they had with their children. “I love watching you play with them. You laugh and smile so much. I… It just brings me a great deal of joy to see you so happy.”

The younger man couldn’t help thinking that he may not have had the chance to be this happy had things gone very differently after Peter rescued him. If Peter hadn’t told him about their children, he could have put Neal in a home of some sort or allowed him to stay with Elizabeth. If that had happened, Neal imagined he wouldn’t be this happy. He wouldn’t have this relationship with Peter nor would he have his children. “I’m happy because of you,” he whispered after several moments of silence. “You brought me home. You helped me get to where I am right now. You have encouraged me to work through my memory loss and make new memories with you and with our kids.”

If the office door hadn’t opened up in that moment, Peter was sure that he would’ve gotten up and went around the desk to kiss his husband. Needless to say, the door did open and Reese came in, interrupting their conversation. Both men looked at Reese upon his entry and he seemed a bit flustered. “All right. We have an informant who told us that Rachel will be in Central Park. She was supposed to meet our informant, but we’re going to plant Neal there first and have the informant send Rachel a text to let her know he’s running late.” Reese looked at Neal and said, “We need to get you a wire and a bulletproof vest now so you’re there before she is.”

Neal nodded, wanting this to be over as soon as it could be. He was hoping one of the agents would shoot Rachel and kill her while he was confronting her—when she approached him, that is.

Reese left in a huff and Peter moved around to stand at Neal’s side solemnly. “Well, let’s get you ready then,” he whispered. He took Neal’s hand, intertwining their fingers, and led Neal to the interrogation room where they’d already laid out the wire and vest Neal was going to wear. The other agents involved in this case—Diana and Jones included—were heading to Central Park right now to get into position.

Neal removed his shirt and allowed Peter to tape the wire to his chest and put the vest on him. The second Neal’s shirt was on again, he wrapped his arms around Peter, embracing him tightly. “I love you,” he whispered sincerely. “We’re going to make it out of this, okay? You and I will go home together after this and she’ll go to prison.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair and sighed quietly. “I hope you’re right, honey.” He was still so afraid of what could possibly go wrong out there. Losing Neal wasn’t an option and he was part of the ground unit, which placed him closer to Neal in case things went south. “We need her to make some kind of verbal confession regarding everything she did to you. If she mentions the kidnapping, the rapes, and whatever else she did, then we’ve got her.” He slid his hand up to Neal’s shoulder, gripping it tightly. “If you feel like something is going to happen, your signal is the phrase: it’s over.” Neal nodded against his husband. He could feel how rapidly Peter’s heart was beating and knew how this was affecting his husband in general. “The second you say that, you run. We will swarm the area and take her down, but you need to get yourself to safety as quickly as you can if I don’t get to you fast enough.” He hoped to God that he would be fast enough. He needed to be. “We won’t move until you signal us. If you feel like there’s more to this confession or that she hasn’t said enough, we can wait. But, like I said, the second you feel as if you’re in danger, you use that phrase. You _need_ to use it when you’re ready for us to take her down.”

“I will,” Neal promised him. He kissed Peter’s neck before resting his head on Peter’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “Everything will be fine. That bitch will rot in a prison cell the moment this is over.” He was still hoping that she’d be killed before being arrested, but he didn’t exactly want Peter to think he was psychotic—even if Peter felt the same way. “We’re going to be okay.”

They separated enough to look at each other’s faces. Peter’s eyes were watering and Neal’s were only full of reassurance and his promise to make it out of this and go home to their children with Peter. Peter lifted his left hand to stroke Neal’s cheekbone before kissing him passionately. To Neal, it felt like a goodbye kind of kiss. “I love you and good luck, my angel,” was all he said.

No matter what happened, Neal was determined to make it out of this alive. He would keep his promise to Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't check my twitter page, I did post the results for the Christmas fic survey. The prompt for the hostage situation is the one I'll be running with this year. Thank you all so much for the wonderful ideas! I loved them all!


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal plays his role in the sting to bring Rachel in.

Neal was sitting in front of the pond at Central Park. He’d been given a transceiver in the van as Reese was giving him a last minute prep talk. The transceiver was meant for Neal to use if he needed to ask a question prior to Rachel arriving and after if he ran out of the general area. “Peter,” he whispered, hearing his husband’s sound of acknowledgement on the other end. “I have my watch on.” He always did, but he felt compelled to remind Peter of the gift Peter had given him for their anniversary. He heard Peter sigh in relief and smiled to himself. The entire team could listen to this conversation, so he was trying to keep this as professional as possible. He just needed to remind Peter that his watch had a tracker in it in the case that something went horribly wrong. As long as Peter immediately pulled up the app that he’d linked it to, they could follow Neal’s signal.

Everyone was hoping that this wouldn’t go that route though. No one wanted Neal to be taken away again. In a preparation speech Reese had given the entire team, he’d told them that they were doing this for the wellbeing and safety of their agents and civilians, but they were also doing this for the Burkes. Peter and Neal had both been taken aback by that, but they both knew that Reese cared very much about them and their family despite his gruff mannerism. “ _Neal,_ ” Reese’s voice came through the transceiver. “ _She’s arriving now at your nine o’clock._ ” Neal didn’t respond, but he understood entirely. This was all happening now and he didn’t want to fuck it up. “ _She’s spotted him. All agents be prepared to move at a moment’s notice._ ”

She was walking up behind him and he hoped to God that he didn’t look like he was expecting her. Peter had gently told him that he needed to be the best damn actor he’s ever seen if this was going to work. The agents were keeping quiet so they didn’t distract him, but they occasionally gave each other a few words regarding their position and whether or not they were locked onto Rachel. “Whore?”

As much as Neal hated that word, he knew he needed to react the way she would expect him to if he hadn’t recovered some of his memories. He startled and spun to look up at her. She loved the fear in his eyes as he whispered, “Rachel?” He pushed himself up and turned completely to face her. She looked a little stunned as well.

“What are you doing here?”

“I managed to sneak away from all of the doctors and people. I love coming here,” he whispered, sounding fragile. “It’s so quiet and peaceful.” The story was that he was kept in a psychiatric ward because his brain was damaged. They diagnosed him with an anxiety disorder to make it look like he was having problems with his separation from Rachel and he was also diagnosed as being clinically depressed. If Rachel ever looked into him, he was listed in the psychiatric ward’s private patients’ list. The FBI had forged an entire file on Neal at that hospital that looked legitimate. “I-I…” he stammered. “I’ve missed you.”

She looked pleased, yet very confused. “You’ve missed me?”

He nodded frantically and took a few steps closer to her. She allowed him that, hoping he would tell her why he missed her. “They told me you abandoned me,” he whispered. “They told me lies.”

Rachel sneered at him and shoved him back. “Oh, really? Explain why you were in Paris with him then.”

Neal and Peter had discussed this well beforehand and Neal was prepared for this. “He says he’s my husband,” he whispered. “I can’t believe him and I won’t. I told him you’re my wife. He took me away from the hospital to try to convince me that we were married.” He tentatively moved towards her again and she looked at him skeptically. “I dreamt about you every night. I wanted you. I wanted to be with you again.”

Neal could only imagine what all of this was doing to Peter even if it were all fictitious. Neal felt nothing but resentment and hatred towards this woman and Peter knew that, but Neal had to pretend he was in love with her nonetheless.

She lifted her hand and stroked his hair, giving him a small smile. He leaned into her palm, closing his eyes as he felt her skin against his. “I’ve missed you, too, my beautiful boy. I’m so sorry that they’ve been telling you lies. I’m very happy to know that you know they’re lies.” He nodded frantically, opening his eyes to look into hers. She looked so in love with him and he was hoping he gave off the same feeling. “You don’t deserve those lies, my love.” Her phone vibrated and Neal could hear the agents tracking the text message that she’d received.

“ _You’re still safe, Neal,_ ” Peter told him, letting Neal know that everything was going according to their initial plans. Her contact had texted her to let her know that he was running late due to traffic issues—nothing new in New York—and would arrive soon.

Rachel put her phone away and caressed both sides of his face simultaneously. “I’ve missed you so much. I had nightmares about what they were putting you through.” He nodded and pulled her close, hugging her. He was attempting to console her and it was working. The transceiver was in his other ear and she wouldn’t feel the wire or the bulletproof vest. “Aside from the lies, have they treated you well?”

She backed up to look at his face as he spoke. “They diagnosed me with so many different illnesses. I’m taking so many pills every day.” He shuddered and she rubbed his arms gently. “That man keeps insisting that we’re married. I don’t know why he continues to lie to me.”

Neal’s acting was working wonders as he even managed to make himself tear up a bit. Her lips parted when she realized that and she lifted her left hand to stroke his hair. “They were hoping to convince you to believe their lies. They would use you against me, Whore.” She kissed him and he kissed her as if he were kissing Peter. The only way this would work is if he imagined Peter instead of her. “I’m proud of you for knowing what’s right and wrong.” She stroked the side of his face gently and kept her eyes locked onto his. “Let me ask you something, my love.” He nodded, figuring he could improvise some fabrication if necessary. “Has that man had sex with you?” Neal gave her a confused look and she added, “Has the man who insists that he’s married to you had sex with you?” He shook his head, hoping he was being convincing.

“No. He visits me in the hospital sometimes, but he’s not allowed to have sex with me there. No one is.”

She nodded. “Do you remember the men you had sex with in the brothel I took you to?”

 _Yes._ She’d admitted to taking him to a brothel. That was one key part of this confession and he was relieved by the knowledge that he was getting somewhere with this. “I don’t remember their faces. I was always turned away from them.”

“That man, the one who claims to be your husband…” Neal didn’t know where she was going with this, but he definitely didn’t like the direction it was taking. “He was one of those men, Neal.” Neal’s lips parted as he stared at her in horror. For all he knew, Peter _could_ have been one of the men who’d raped him. Peter could have raped him and he never would’ve known it. “He was the man who made you bleed one night. I have a video of him doing it to you and I sent it to his workplace so it’ll be reviewed.” He felt horrified as Reese questioned the legitimacy of such a video existing and being sent to the bureau. Much to Neal’s disdain, Reese confirmed that the bureau had received a disc of some sort that was addressed to Peter Burke. “When they see that he was one of them, he’ll never be allowed to come near you again, my love.” She kissed him again and whispered, “We could run away right now and his career would be in ruins as we escape.”

Reese told Neal to remain calm and asked that Peter refrain from reacting until they could all watch the video at the bureau. No one believed Peter had raped his own husband except Neal. Neal was starting to believe her because it would have made sense. Perhaps Peter had planted all of these memories into his mind and trained the children to act like he was their father. But Nicky looked like him… Neal’s brain hurt as he thought about all of this and the agents knew this could fall apart very quickly because something was wrong. Neal was trying to keep this going even if he was struggling internally with the idea that he could have been raped by Peter, that there was proof that Peter had raped him. “Please answer something for me,” he whispered. His voice shook and she looked concerned. “Those men and women in the brothel… Did they rape me?”

Rachel hesitated. “Yes,” she eventually said. “They paid me to bring you to them. I know how awful it sounds. Your wife put you into situations like that…” His breathing was erratic and she tried to hush him and calm him by touching his face and hair. “I needed the money so I could take care of you. When you hurt yourself and lost your memories… I needed the doctors to work on you and try to fix you. That cost us a great deal of money, my love. It was money that we didn’t have.”

“Did you rape me?” he asked. He was beginning to remember something and he assumed it had occurred prior to losing his memory because he seemed like he’d been drugged and Neal couldn’t recall being drugged since waking up to Rachel. Despite being drugged, he remembered a man—the man who beat him—being in the room each time she had sex with him.

“I’m your wife, Whore. I—”

“Spousal rape,” he whispered. “Did you rape me for money?”

Peter knew Neal was trying to get her to admit that she had raped him. She’d already admitted that Neal had been raped and that she’d profited off of it. If she admitted to raping him, it would work for the kidnapping bit as well. Peter wanted this to be over so they could get back to the bureau and see what it was that Rachel had sent them.

Rachel sighed and said, “Yes. I was being paid by the man who beat you. You are my husband, but I was being paid when I made love with you.”

“ _That’s enough to bring her in,_ ” Reese told him.

Neal was grateful. He wanted this to be over because he needed to see what was on the video that she’d sent to the bureau. “It’s over,” he said quietly. Seconds following the signal, he heard all of the agents being ordered to move in, to cover all angles and bring her in alive. “I know you lied to me,” he hissed. She looked over his shoulder and could see men with bureau attire running towards them.

“I wish you could watch the video for yourself,” she said to him before pulling a gun. Neal’s eyes widened and he didn’t have enough time to turn and run as Peter told him to in advance. She shot him pointblank in the chest, effectively knocking him backwards and knocking his breath out of him as well.

Neal landed on his back and heard agents running after her, letting everyone know which way she was heading. Peter was involved as well. Neal hadn’t expected him to immediately run up to make sure he was okay after Rachel shot him and he was kind of grateful for that. Another agent helped him stand, but Peter was part of the group that was chasing Rachel. She darted into traffic to make things harder, but Neal could hear how determined Peter was as he kept throwing out information to keep everyone else in motion.

Reese was waiting in the van when the agent escorted Neal to it. Neal still felt kind of breathless and he looked ill as he climbed into the back of the van with Reese. “We’re going to evaluate the video when we get back to the bureau,” he said quietly, resting his hand on Neal’s shoulder when Neal took a seat. “Peter knows he can’t be in the room, but you will be asked to watch it with us if that’s all right.” Neal nodded. “You need to confirm or deny her claims. Depending on what we see and how you respond, we will respond efficiently in order to protect you.”

The two of them stayed in the van and listened to the chase as it progressed until Peter grunted and a series of, “ _Agent down!_ ” came through. Neal’s eyes widened and his heart clenched. Even if the video showed him that Peter had been one of his rapists, he loved Peter so much.

“Peter,” he whispered frantically, hoping Peter could hear him.

“ _It wasn’t me._ ” Neal shut his eyes and heaved a sigh of relief. “ _She’s heading north. I need backup._ ” She stopped running and began to fire at Peter. Peter took cover, but he also managed to get a few shots off himself in the hopes that he could kill her. “ _I need backup!_ ”

“ _I’m coming, boss,_ ” Diana said, arriving just as Rachel had begun to run again.

About ten minutes following that, Peter let out a defeated sigh and sounded breathless. Reese and Neal held their breath, hoping Peter was about to tell them that he’d cornered Rachel. “ _She escaped,_ ” he whispered solemnly.

“Damn it,” Reese growled, taking his headset off. He tossed it onto the panels behind him and looked pissed off. “We were so damn close and we can never get another opportunity like this because she knows you’re with us now.” Neal frowned, lowering his gaze. He wished he’d called out the signal sooner, but he’d tried to get as much information out of Rachel as he could manage. Granted, he’d been able to do just that, but he felt responsible for her getting away. “Peter, take a separate ride back to the bureau. Neal is with me.” Peter made a small sound of acknowledgement. He’d heard what Reese said to Neal and he understood that Reese was taking precautions regarding the video that Rachel had sent the bureau.

He didn’t understand why Rachel would try to ruin him like that when he hadn’t been involved in this at all. Had he known where Neal was, he would’ve freed him the second he laid eyes on Neal. Never in his life would he ever consider having sex with Neal when Neal couldn’t look at him and when it was obvious that Neal was being prostituted for Rachel’s benefit.

The only thing that concerned Peter was Neal. Neal wasn’t speaking to him and he was afraid that Neal would believe Rachel’s lie. After all of the months he’d spent rebuilding their relationship and Neal’s memories, he hoped to God that Neal didn’t believe her.

•◊•

Neal and Reese were in the conference room with the lights off and the door shut as Reese inserted the disc into a player. Neal was already sitting down at Reese’s request. Also at Reese’s request, Peter was being held in the interrogation room until further notice. He wasn’t allowed to hear any of what transpired in the conference room until Neal confirmed or denied that it was Peter who was in the video.

Reese stood behind Neal as the video played. No one else was allowed into the room because it was obvious that Neal was going to be naked and this video would involve sexual content involving Neal.

Needless to say, Neal was on his hands and knees facing the camera. Neal hadn’t realized that there was a camera in place. He’d just assumed that position each and every time he had sex with someone. A man who looked like he had Peter’s build suddenly got on his knees behind Neal and immediately shoved into him without preparation. Neal remembered that man. He’d never seen his face, but he knew that man. He was the man who’d made him bleed and the only one who’d actually made him sob when it was all over.

Reese kept his eyes on Neal as Neal watched his face contort with each painful thrust into him. Thus far, he didn’t have any reason to believe it wasn’t Peter. He was waiting for the man’s face to appear, figuring it had to if Rachel truly wanted them to arrest Peter. He was never given that visual though. As the video progressed, the man had hidden his face as he loomed over Neal’s back, wrapping his arms around Neal’s torso. His hair style and body type resembled Peter’s so much that Neal’s stomach churned. That man hadn’t spoken to him either, but his grunts had sounded like Peter. Whether or not they were just sounds that had been replicated and altered to sound like Peter, he didn’t know. All he knew was that those sounds resembled Peter’s sounds when they were making love.

Eventually, the man straightened up and shoved Neal down onto his stomach to pound into him that way. Neal observed every possible detail that could identify Peter. Suddenly, something caught his eye. “It’s not him,” he immediately said upon seeing the man’s full chest. There was a slight amount of chest hair on that man and Peter had no chest hair nor had he ever as Neal recalled. There was also _one_ key detail missing on this man.

“How do you know?”

Neal rested his hand over his own heart and whispered, “Peter was shot. This man has no scar over his heart.” Reese nodded. That was definitely something he hadn’t considered. He also didn’t see Peter in such an intimate way, so he believed Neal. He’d ask Peter to remove his shirt just to show him that the scar did exist. While scars could be covered up with different kinds of makeup, he couldn’t imagine Peter covering up a scar so he could rape the man he loves more than anything. Besides, when would Peter have had time to rape Neal? He was too busy watching his children and bringing them into work with him when he was trying to find leads on Neal.

Reese ejected the disc as Neal began to cry out and put it back into the sleeve it had come in. “I’m going to speak with Peter. Please stay here.” Neal nodded silently, watching Reese walk out of the conference room and head down to the interrogation room. He was relieved by the fact that Peter hadn’t been that man. While he’d only mentioned the scar on Peter’s chest, he didn’t feel the need to mention that the man in the video had _no scars._ Peter had several scars scattered over his body from his work with the bureau and the man had no scars whatsoever.

In the interrogation room, Peter sat at the small table. He wasn’t trying to act anxious because he knew he had nothing to hide. Whatever was asked of him, he could provide the proof that he hadn’t been the man who raped Neal. He hadn’t even seen the video and he knew he could probably prove that he wasn’t that man. He didn’t know why Rachel would even bother unless she’d found a man who perfectly resembled him and that terrified him. What if it seemed so believable and Neal thought it was him?

He looked up just as Reese was coming through the glass doors. He didn’t move because he needed to hear what Reese had to say. “I need to question you regarding his statement.” Peter nodded. He would do anything to prove that he wasn’t that man. “I need you to unbutton your shirt, Peter.” Peter’s brows furrowed. “I know it’s unorthodox, but I need to see your chest.”

“All right.” Peter stood up and tugged his dress shirt out of his pants, unbuttoning it after he took his suit jacket off. He let the dress shirt hang open, revealing his chest for whatever reason. Reese inspected him and nodded. He still wasn’t indicating whether or not Peter was possibly guilty. “Can I ask…?”

“Button your shirt.” Peter nodded, doing as he was asked. Once he’d pulled his suit jacket on, Reese said, “You’re clear. Neal watched the video and noted that the man didn’t have a scar over his heart.” Peter’s eyes widened. He expected Neal to look at the face and body type, but Neal had gone for something obscure to ensure that it wasn’t Peter. “I, personally, am glad it wasn’t you in that video.”

Peter blinked rapidly to keep himself from crying. He was relieved as well even though he knew he wasn’t guilty in any way. He was afraid that Neal might see something that did resemble him though. “I would never do that to him,” he whispered. “After everything he’s been through, I could never put him through that hell.” Reese nodded, believing Peter. He never thought Peter was responsible for whatever had been displayed in the video, but he needed to look at it with Neal and let Neal determine if that man was or wasn’t Peter. “Am I allowed to see him now?” Again, Reese nodded, informing him that Neal was in the conference room.

Neal was sitting in the conference room at the table. He was staring at the screen that the video had been displayed on when Peter quietly entered the room. Peter hesitated because he didn’t want to interrupt whatever Neal was thinking about. “You can come in.” Peter startled when Neal spoke to him, but he entered when Neal looked at him. Upon shutting the door, Neal stood up. He hesitated and Peter could read every emotion Neal was feeling the second their eyes met. The relief overwhelmed Neal and he darted over to his husband, embracing him tightly. Peter held him just as tightly, closing his eyes as he listened to Neal’s erratic breathing. “I’m so fucking thankful he wasn’t you,” he whispered.

As much as it hurt Peter to think that Neal had even considered him as being capable of raping him, Peter completely understood. From Neal’s perspective, anyone could have raped him. He had no way of knowing who was in the room with him, but Rachel would have. He knew if the individuals were women or men, but he couldn’t personally identify them if he tried. “I’d never do that,” Peter said against him. “Never—especially not to you.”

“He didn’t have your scars,” Neal said quietly. “He couldn’t have been you.”

Peter nodded and stroked Neal’s back gently, slowly. “Can you tell me if you thought he might’ve been me before you watched the video?” Neal tensed against him, suddenly feeling afraid to answer that question. He’d felt like it could’ve been a possibility. The thought was crippling, but it’d been there nonetheless. “It’s okay if you did.”

“Please don’t hurt me,” Neal whispered frantically against him, holding onto him tighter. He had sudden feelings of pain that he knew weren’t associated with Peter in any way. Someone in his past had beaten him for making assumptions. He trembled against Peter even though this had nothing to do with Peter.

The older man hushed his husband and continued to stroke Neal’s back. He made absolutely no move to indicate that he’d cause Neal any harm, but he knew that Neal had believed he may have been the man who’d raped him. “I won’t,” Peter assured him. “Everything’s all right. You and I are okay.” Neal nodded and eventually relaxed against his husband, trusting him wholeheartedly. That man hadn’t been Peter and Peter wasn’t hurting him for initially thinking it might’ve been him.

It was a great relief to Neal that Peter asked him to stay in the conference room as he went to get Neal a drink. Neal didn’t exactly want coffee, so Peter went out of his way to find Neal some hot chocolate. When he came back, he heard Neal’s voice. “Hi, Moz. It’s me. I’m just calling to ask if everything’s okay there.” Peter paused in the doorway and listened to his husband. He wanted to know if the kids were okay as well. With everything that’d happened when they’d gone after Rachel and had come back to the bureau, Peter was just concerned about whether or not he was going to be arrested for something he hadn’t done to his own husband. “Thank God,” he whispered. “Rachel…got away and—” Evidently, Mozzie cut Neal off and began to say something that upset Neal. “It wasn’t Peter’s fault. He chased her. She shot at him and he protected himself. He’s not at fault for her escaping.”

“Shit,” Peter said under his breath. He was quiet enough that Neal didn’t hear him. He hadn’t considered that Mozzie would get so upset and blame him for failing to arrest Rachel.

“I swear to God he isn’t responsible. He did everything he could. You have no idea how far he ran after her, Mozzie.” Neal rubbed his face and Peter could see that Neal was very agitated without having to look at Neal’s face. “God damn it, Mozzie!” he cried out. “You know what? Fuck it. Peter and I are coming home immediately and your babysitting duties are relieved.” He hung up without waiting for Mozzie to say another word and made a sound of frustration.

Peter hesitated before asking, “What did he say to you?”

Neal didn’t skip a beat, immediately saying, “He blamed you. He said you didn’t care enough, that you stayed with me instead of going after her.” He shook his head and snarled, “He kept saying something about how I should’ve done it his way because the FBI way wasn’t efficient.”

Raising an eyebrow, Peter asked, “What did Mozzie have in mind?”

“Something ridiculous. If I thought it would work, I would’ve gone with his idea rather than the bureau’s.” Peter nodded as Neal turned to face him. “Can I go home? If you can’t stay home, I understand.”

Peter had a lot that he needed to do since their operation hadn’t worked. He, more than anyone else, was pissed off because he’d been so close to catching her. He’d gotten some shots off and discovered that he had made contact after finding some of her blood on the pavement, but it wasn’t enough. He hadn’t killed nor captured her and that was unacceptable. In fact, he did blame himself for her escape. If he’d just taken a shot or two… “Yeah,” he whispered. Staring at his husband in that moment made him realize how stupid that last thought was. If he’d taken a few shots, she could have taken a few of her own at him and he could have been killed. What good was he to his husband and their children if he was dead? “I need to get back here, but I can drop you off. I’m putting agents around the area to keep you all safe.”

Neal nodded because he didn’t even feel like arguing with Peter at this point. He had probably just ruined his friendship with Mozzie even though they were just getting to know each other again. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Peter when he’d just defended Peter on the phone. He just wanted to go home and be with his kids—until Peter could come home to him.

•◊•

Peter didn’t come home until Neal had already put the kids to bed and went to bed himself. He left a note on the kitchen counter to let Peter know that his dinner was in the refrigerator and needed to be put into the microwave for two minutes before he could eat it. At the end of his small note was: _If I’m asleep when you come home, I love you. I’m sorry about today, but thank you for coming home to me._ ”

After reading that note, he found himself feeling really depressed. Did Neal honestly think there was a possibility that he wouldn’t come home after everything that happened?

Deciding to forego heating up leftovers, he immediately went upstairs to his bedroom. Neal was lying in his usual spot even though Peter wasn’t spooning behind him. As soon as he was beside the bed, he stared at his husband’s face. Neal looked like his sleep was disturbed and that concerned Peter. “Honey,” he said softly. Instantly, Neal’s eyes opened and he looked up at his husband blearily. “It’s just me, baby.” He stroked Neal’s hair until Neal relaxed. “You okay? Were you having a nightmare?”

Neal nodded silently, whispering, “Didn’t know if you were going to come home.”

Peter got onto the bed, lying down in front of his husband. “Now why would you think that?” Neal looked very sad and that made Peter’s heart wrench. Had he done something to indicate he wasn’t interested in coming home to his beautiful family?

“I fucked up,” he said thickly.

The older man watched his husband shut his eyes tightly and cry for a split second before pulling Neal into his arms. “Honey,” he whispered soothingly, holding Neal against him. “Oh, baby. Don’t cry. You didn’t fuck anything up.” Neal kept insisting that he did and Peter finally gave in so he could figure out what it was that Neal thought he’d done wrong. “What did you do?”

“I was stressed out when I started thinking you weren’t coming home. I-I…” He shifted the blanket and lifted his shirt to show Peter the deep gash that began at his left hip and traveled across his stomach, ending just below his navel.

“Jesus Christ,” Peter said frantically. “How did this happen? Did someone break in?”

Neal shook his head as Peter began to pull him up. He tried to resist, but he was in pain and he knew Peter was going to help him. “I did it to myself,” he whispered as Peter took him into their bedroom bathroom and sat him down on the toilet lid. “It was getting really late and you weren’t home. I started telling myself you were done with me, that you weren’t going to love me anymore, and that—”

Peter knelt in front of his husband and caressed his cheeks. “Don’t you ever think those thoughts again,” he pleaded. It’d been a while since the last time Neal had cut himself and he was terrified to think that Neal might start up this habit again. “I love you so much, Neal. I will always come home to you, my sweet angel.” He stroked Neal’s hair with his left hand as tears welled up in his eyes. “You’re the love of my life. You didn’t do anything wrong today. Everything you did was perfect.”

“Except for when I assumed you raped me,” Neal snapped. “What kind of man accuses his husband of raping him?”

“A man who knows how it feels,” Peter whispered. “A man who remembers the fear, the pain, and the hopelessness of being in a situation he can’t get out of.” Neal stared at him wordlessly, wondering how Peter could forgive him. He’d honestly thought Peter could have been the man Rachel described, the man she’d caught on video. “I’m not mad at you. I wasn’t mad at you.” He kissed Neal gently, hoping he was getting his point across. “I have been with you long enough to know that your mental and emotional scars will always be present. I can’t get rid of those scars, but I can help them heal.” He helped Neal remove his shirt and gave the cut a long, hard look. “Please don’t do this again,” he begged Neal. He stood up and tossed Neal’s bloodied shirt into the hamper before moving to the sink to wash his hands.

Neal stared at the cut and resented himself. He didn’t even understand why he’d done it. He was going to shower and ended up going for the razor, cutting himself repeatedly to make this gash. “I’m so sorry.”

Peter shook his head after he finished washing his hands. He backed up a bit and went for a washcloth, getting it slightly wet. Seconds later, he was kneeling in front of his husband again, rubbing the washcloth over the wound to get rid of the blood and he held it against Neal after that in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Neal hissed and Peter wished he didn’t have to hurt Neal to help him. He wanted to stop the bleeding for the moment before doing anything else.

Glancing up at the younger man, he said, “As long as you don’t mess with this, I don’t think it’ll scar.” Neal nodded solemnly. “It’s okay, Neal. I mean, it’s not okay that you hurt yourself, but everything will be okay between us.” He sighed quietly and added, “You’re better than this. You’re stronger than this. I know you are.”

“I felt so weak, thinking you would leave me.”

Peter nodded. He understood Neal’s mentality and he probably would’ve felt the same way if he were Neal. “Today didn’t hurt our relationship, honey. Today, we didn’t do everything we hoped to accomplish, but there’s always tomorrow, right?” Neal nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving Peter’s. “I understand why you thought I could’ve raped you, Neal. I will never be upset with you when it comes to things like this because I understand you. I understand the way you think and feel now—even if it’s me.”

Neal stammered, “I feel so stupid for thinking you would do that to me. How could I think that and still manage to tell you I love you?”

“Because you know we’re going to get through this together. You know deep down that I love you and I’m never going to abandon you.” He pulled the washcloth back and glanced at the wound, waiting for it to start bleeding again before applying pressure. Fortunately, it seemed like the bleeding was just about finished by this point. “I’ve been with you through so much and I don’t plan on walking away now. I love you unconditionally and I want you to be as happy with me as I am with you.”

Neal shook his head and said, “I have no idea how I ever got so lucky. What did I do to deserve you?”

Peter smiled at him before kissing him again. “You survived,” he whispered. “You survived so much before meeting me and I’m very proud of you. After you met me, you went through a lot, but you survived everything once again. I’m even more proud of you than I was in the beginning.” Sighing contentedly, he whispered, “You gave me true love for the first time in my life. You are my first and last love, Neal. I’m so grateful for you every time I look at you. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I’d never met you. It’s too scary to think about.”

The minutes that followed Peter’s final remarks, Peter listened to Neal sob quietly as he took care of Neal’s wound. He’d applied an antibiotic cream gingerly and covered the wound by wrapping gauze bandages around his midsection. “I love you, Peter. I love you so much.”

Hushing Neal gently, Peter nodded and said, “I love you just as much, my angel.” After Neal was wrapped up and Peter made sure he wasn’t bleeding through the bandages, he took Neal’s hand and led him out into their bedroom. “No more crying, okay?” he asked as he pulled Neal onto the bed, leading him up to the pillows with him. Neal nodded when they were lying face to face. “You’re beautiful even when you cry, but there’s no reason to cry. You didn’t do anything to hurt us—or me personally.” He intertwined his left fingers with Neal’s right fingers on the mattress between them, whispering, “Nothing went according to plan today, but we’ll be okay. We’ll make it through this. I promise we’ll get her soon.”

“Don’t talk about her when we’re in bed,” Neal pleaded quietly. Peter nodded, understanding entirely. “This is our place, our home. You’re my home. I won’t let her defile this anymore.” Peter smiled at him lovingly, appreciating his words very much. “Thank you for being with me—for staying with me. It means a lot to me that you want to stay.”

“There should never be a single doubt in your mind,” Peter said softly. “I’ve loved you since I met you. Nothing will ever change that. Today is no exception.” He rested his hand on Neal’s hip, glancing at the gauze around Neal’s midsection. “As long as you don’t hurt yourself anymore, we’re going to be just fine.”

Neal nodded, lifting their hands to kiss Peter’s knuckles. “I promise I won’t do it again.” Peter gave him a grateful smile. He rubbed his legs against Peter’s and bit his lip for a few moments before whispering, “Can you…get comfortable?”

Peter raised an eyebrow, watching Neal’s eyes as they drifted away from Peter’s face. “Aren’t you hurting?”

“Not where I want you to be.”

Chuckling, Peter shook his head, sliding out of bed to undress himself. He tossed his clothes on top of his dresser and crawled back into bed. Gently, he pushed Neal onto his back and hovered over the younger man, kissing him sweetly. “You lie still,” he whispered, “and let me take very good care of you.”

Neal stared up into Peter’s eyes and saw a man he knew he could always trust no matter what. After everything that had happened during the day, he was grateful to have this man come home to him. He knew Peter would always be the man to come home to him and that meant a great deal to him.

Despite how wrong things had gone, they did something right the moment they began to make love. When it seemed like everything was hopeless, they knew they had each other and would renew that hope. Like Neal had told Peter, Peter is his home. When Peter was with him, he felt safe and loved. No matter what, Peter would always be his home.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal wants some things to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes. I apologize for neglecting this story even though I've had every intention of working on it endlessly. I was caught up in the Christmas fic and ended up putting this one a little behind, lol. As a head's up, the next chapter is going to include Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Additionally, thank you all for your lovely comments about the Christmas fic. I'm relieved that it was received well! I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday!

Peter glanced at Neal worriedly. Since the sting had taken place, Neal hadn’t been very talkative—or active at all. The day after, he’d gone to bed the second Peter came home. Now, he was sitting on the couch in an oversized sweater with his knees pulled up to rest under his chin. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was in pain. Peter had no idea what was going on. He thought everything was going to be okay and he was really hoping things _would_ be okay by the time Christmas rolled around. Jon and Hannah would come back for a little while, no one knew if Mozzie planned on coming over, and it sounded like Elizabeth and Diana were going to visit with their daughter. If Neal wasn’t happier or at least a little more social by Thursday night, he had no idea how the holidays were going to go.

The only thing Peter could really think of as a cause for Neal’s behavior was him asking about Neal’s wound. He hadn’t asked Neal in front of anyone. They were in their bedroom and he asked if he could look at it and take care of it. Neal’s entire demeanor had changed when he looked at the wound again after Peter initially wrapped it—and he’d been like this since. “Honey,” he whispered, scooting closer to his husband in the hopes that maybe Neal would talk to him for the first time since he’d had to unwrap Neal’s wound and apply more antibiotic cream. “Neal,” he said, his voice a little firmer since he hadn’t gotten a response. Neal lifted his head and opened his eyes, looking at his husband sadly. This was depressing the hell out of Peter because he wanted to help Neal, but he didn’t know what to do. “What’s going on, sweetheart?” Neal shrugged and Peter shook his head. “No. No more of this non-verbal communication. Speak to me. Use your voice.”

“I don’t know,” Neal whispered.

Peter’s brows furrowed. “Yes, you do. You know what’s wrong, but you don’t want to tell me.” Neal looked away from him again and Peter sighed. “If you think you’re not going to hurt me by not talking to me about this, you’re wrong. I’m worried about you. Whenever I’ve seen you like this, nothing good has come of it.”

“I hate what I did to myself. I hate what I did to you.” Peter nodded, relieved that Neal said more than three words to him this time. “I feel terrible. All I ever do is bring you pain—and I know I hurt you by _thinking_ you were one of those rapists. I go behind your back and do stupid things that hurt you.”

The older man stroked his husband’s hair and sighed. “Honey, these things happen…”

“Oh, so it’s normal for a man to think his husband raped him,” Neal said sarcastically. “I didn’t realize that. Fuck, I’ve been doing this husband thing wrong the whole time.”

Peter sighed again. “You know that’s not what I meant.” Neal glared at him, but Peter could see that his anger was directed inwardly. He debated on telling Neal that this wasn’t the first time Neal thought he’d been raped by him, but he figured that would make things so much worse, so he decided to avoid that. “I love you and this is part of who you are. You had every right to think I was one of those men. After telling me what you went through, I don’t blame you. You never saw those men’s faces, so it could have been me as far as you were concerned.”

Neal shook his head vehemently. “I know you better than that. I should never have believed that you raped me for even a second, yet I did. You’re an amazing, forgiving, patient man and there never should’ve been a doubt in my mind about the way you love me.” Before Peter could respond, Neal continued. “I can’t believe I believed that bitch. I turned against you.” Gesturing at his stomach, he added, “And then I decided to hurt you again by hurting myself. I still don’t know what the fuck compelled me to do that.”

“You almost killed yourself once because you’d lost so much blood after cutting yourself repeatedly,” Peter whispered. “You thought you had raped someone that day and I came home to find you in the bathtub, sitting in a pool of your own blood.” Neal stared at Peter in horror. “I know how much you love me. I know how shitty you feel right now and it’s because you love me. Your response to a very stressful situation—especially one involving rape of any nature—has been to cause yourself as much harm as you possibly can. Whether or not you realized it or thought about it, you were blaming yourself for everything.”

Neal nodded and whispered, “That’s why you kept insisting that everything I did was fine—aside from cutting myself, that is.”

Peter gave him a small smile, relieved to see that Neal was beginning to understand now. “I needed to reassure you and let you know that _you_ did everything you needed to do. You acted very well during the sting and I’m sorry for not telling you how proud of you I was. Despite the way things ended regarding the sting, I am very proud of you for doing everything you needed to do.” Neal stared into Peter’s eyes, seeing his sincerity. “I’m not going to lie to you and say I wasn’t hurt when the video was discussed because I knew you believed her at first.” Neal opened his mouth to speak and Peter continued before any words could emerge. “The more I thought about it while I was at work after dropping you off at home, I could see it from your point of view. I’d think it was a possibility, too. I got over it and I wish you would, too.” He rubbed Neal’s right thigh and whispered, “It’s not worth all of this. I don’t want you hurting yourself or thinking you need to be silent so you don’t ‘hurt me.’ It hurts that you didn’t talk to me, Neal. I want you to be open with me.”

“I still feel so fucking stupid,” Neal hissed. Peter sighed internally. He thought he was getting somewhere with Neal. “I should’ve known the difference without ever having to suspect a thing. The more _I_ thought about it, I realized there was no way in hell that he could’ve been you.” Peter’s brows furrowed. He was curious to see where Neal was going with this. “I’ve felt him and I’ve felt you. Not to sound like I really care about size or anything, but you’re bigger than he was. I should’ve known then that he wasn’t you.”

The older man blushed a little. He always liked hearing that he was bigger than people Neal had been with before. He couldn’t remember comparing himself with Vincent or Craig, but that sounded disgusting in and of itself. “It’s all right, Neal. I’m not angry and, like I said, I’m over it. My main focus is what’s going on between us now.” Neal sighed and hung his head forward, resting it on his knees. “We haven’t made love since that night,” Peter told him. “I know you’re hurting in more ways than one, but I want to help you to get through this.” He carded his fingers through his husband’s hair to soothe him before whispering, “But you need to talk to me, hon.”

Neal lifted his head and glanced at his husband. “What more do I need to say?”

“Whatever you need to,” Peter said gently. “You’re a very sensitive man and you always have been.”

“Do you want me to talk about every single one of my flaws, Peter? If you do, I can do it. I can list every one of them.”

Peter shook his head, looking very hurt by Neal’s assumption. “I’m not saying being sensitive is a bad thing. I don’t want you thinking so negatively about yourself either.” Tentatively, he took Neal’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. Someday, he really hoped things would get better. He didn’t want to change Neal by any means, but he wanted Neal to respect himself even if he struggled to love himself. Over time, maybe Neal could learn to love himself. Peter wasn’t going to push him, but he’d strongly encourage Neal to try overcoming his self-doubt and self-loathing. “I’ve always said I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just you.”

Neal stared at their hands silently. He heard every word Peter said to him and he was trying to get himself through this. He’d been feeling…strange. He wasn’t used to feeling like this and he couldn’t explain why he was acting this way. He was upset with himself, but these feelings—these internal feelings were something slightly new to him. It felt like he was shoved aside by something within himself and was being forced to watch it consume him. “Was I like this before I lost everything?”

Hesitantly, Peter nodded. Neal’s eyes were on his own and Peter knew he couldn’t try to convince Neal that he hadn’t acted this way—or worse—prior to everything that happened with Rachel. “You always put yourself down, always hated yourself, and you never really listened to me when I tried to get you to think better of yourself.”

“I _am_ better than this,” Neal whispered firmly, remembering Peter’s words to him when he’d come home to find Neal bleeding and in pain. “I don’t need to feel this way. I don’t need to think this way.” Peter was staring at Neal in awe. Neal had never once said those words if Peter remembered correctly. Neal never really believed in himself until this happened. Even then, he was slightly unsure of himself. “I don’t want to be this way anymore. It’s not healthy. This mindset is destructive.” Peter could feel Neal’s fingers tighten around his own as though he was taking strength from Peter’s touch. “I am so much _better_ than _this._ ”

Before Peter could stop himself, he whispered, “Wow.” Neal glanced at him and Peter could see the slight uncertainty returning to Neal’s eyes. “You _are_ better than this. I know you are, honey.” Neal gave his husband a small smile, appreciating his confidence. “I’m glad you finally believe that.”

Neal nodded. “Since coming home from the sting, I’ve felt all of these awful feelings. I didn’t know why and I couldn’t explain them if I tried. Now that I think about it, I realize those feelings belonged to the man I was before.” Peter cocked his head curiously. Neal had a way of taking things in a different direction than Peter was expecting. Even if he ended up disliking what Neal had to say, he wanted to hear it anyway. “These feelings belonged to a man who allowed himself be crippled by his past. They belong to a man who learned from the age of thirteen that he couldn’t be anything more than a worthless and frightened little boy.”

Peter, once again, was gaping at his husband. “Neal,” he whispered. He wasn’t sure how to react to that because that man was the man he’d fallen in love with. He’d fallen in love with Neal again, but he loved the man who’d been hurt and all he ever wanted to do was heal him.

“I’m not fragile. I’m not broken. I am a survivor and I am a grown ass man.” Neal abruptly lurched off of the couch, releasing Peter’s hand. He went upstairs and Peter was quick to follow him. The twins were napping, so Peter hoped Neal wasn’t going to do something loud enough to wake them.

Much to Peter’s surprise, Neal went into their bedroom and immediately opened their closet, reaching into it. “I think it’s a little late to put yourself back into the closet, honey.” Neal muttered something about Peter being a smartass before emerging with his easel. It was filled with Neal’s past artworks and a few sketches Neal had in mind when he actually wanted to begin painting. Neal liked the sketches because they were mostly of Peter and he, recently, began to take an interest in continuing his artistic abilities.

“Remember all of those traumatized artworks I painted?” Peter made a sound of acknowledgement as he watched Neal flip through the canvases. “I’m destroying them.”

Peter hesitated, but he jumped in between Neal and the easel. “Don’t,” he said quietly. “I know they’re a little painful to look at, but they’re your original artworks.” Neal stared at him, his brows furrowed in confusion. He expected Peter to support this. “If you and Nicky ever get an art gallery going or become well-known local artists, you can have those pieces put on display.” Neal still didn’t know why Peter wanted those paintings around. “They’re dark and they meant something to you before. You can overcome your past without destroying the evidence of it.”

Neal whispered, “You just don’t want to lose what you have left of me before I lost it all.”

“I know you’re strong,” Peter said quietly. It sounded like he was pleading when he added, “I know you’re not the man you used to be, but the man you were was the man I first fell in love with.” He caressed Neal’s cheeks and looked so desperate. It was something Neal hadn’t seen before—hadn’t recalled seeing before. “I love you just the way you are and I always will. I don’t expect you to be the man you were before, but please don’t take away what’s left of the first man I ever loved.”

The younger man could see how hurt Peter was and, truthfully, he could understand Peter’s rationale. Gripping Peter’s hips, Neal nodded. He wasn’t going to purposely hurt Peter. He’d already caused Peter enough grief. The least he could do was allow Peter this. While rubbing Peter’s hips gently, he whispered, “I won’t do that to you.” Peter looked grateful and relieved at the same time as he slid his arms around Neal’s neck and hugged him. Neal wasn’t used to this vulnerability in Peter. He admired it though. His intention had been to rid them both of that past, but that was what Peter had to hold onto right now.

The traumatized man wasn’t present anymore. Neal knew he was stronger than he had been before. He just wished none of this had happened because he didn’t want to do things like this to Peter. Had Peter not gone after him immediately, Neal would’ve destroyed something that actually meant quite a bit to Peter. “Thank you,” Peter said against Neal’s neck. “I know it’s ridiculous, but I don’t want you to get rid of them.”

“Don’t thank me,” Neal said quietly, kissing Peter’s neck. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’d do anything for you, my love.” He regretted doing everything he’d already done to Peter. He regretted what he’d put Peter through when he came home with Peter, when he struggled to fall in love with Peter, when he went behind Peter’s back, and when he’d hurt himself because he thought Peter wouldn’t come home to him—among other things, of course.

Neal wasn’t physically a different man, but he was mentally different. He could pull himself through his frightening flashbacks and nightmares and move on. He didn’t dwell on the past like he had before. To him, he even felt like they hadn’t really happened to him at times. He didn’t want to prolong his personal suffering nor did he want to inflict pain upon the people he loves most for the rest of his life. They didn’t deserve that.

Peter had given up a perfectly stable, unhappy life to be with Neal. Now, Neal wanted to give Peter the stable, _happy_ life he deserved. Peter deserved the best for all that he is, all that he’s done, and all that he’ll ever do. Neal had every intention of being the best for Peter.

•◊•

Neal drove Nicky over to Trent’s house Wednesday morning. “Poppa told me to remind you that we’ll pick you up early tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we’d like it if you were home with us to kind of enjoy it.”

Nicky laughed quietly as he looked at his father. He knew damn well that they all needed to be together the night before Christmas. Even though Nicky was in his own personal bubble at times, he could see that something had changed between his fathers. It looked like something had gotten better, but he didn’t know what. He wished he did and he wished he could muster up the courage to ask Neal right now. Instead, he chose to let sleeping dogs lie and let his fathers get through this on their own without his interference.

After unbuckling himself, he leaned over and kissed his father’s cheek. “I want to be home with all of you, daddy. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

The teenager slid out of the passenger seat and went into the back to grab his things. “Grandma and grandpa are going to be here tomorrow afternoon. Just another reminder.”

“Anything else?” he teased. Neal smirked at him, watching his son collect his things. “I love you, daddy. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Love you, too, kiddo. Have fun,” Neal said softly. Nicky shut the backdoor and started heading up to Trent’s house. Neal felt compelled to wait until he was sure Nicky was safely inside and he smiled a little when Nicky turned around to wave at him before finally going in.

The previous night, Peter and Neal had been making dinner when Nicky approached them and asked if he could have a sleepover with Trent before Christmas. Both men gave it some thought and really didn’t see the harm in it. Their biggest concern was that Nicky might’ve been using this sleepover as a cover up for some sexual escapade the boys were on. After sitting Nicky down for a very serious talk, they hoped that Nicky hadn’t lied to them when he said all he wanted to do was hang out with his best friend. They didn’t even know how to go about asking Nicky after they brought him home. Peter felt uncomfortable talking to Nicky about sex as it was.

Neal chuckled to himself quietly before heading home. He thought back to two days ago, about how he decided things were going to finally change. He was tired of being depressed, of feeling emotions he didn’t want to feel. His self-inflicted wound was a reminder as to why he wanted things to change. For both his and Peter’s sake, he wanted to prevent that from happening ever again.

Upon entering his home, he could hear Peter reading or just talking to the twins. He stood in the doorway between the living room and the dining room. Peter was sitting on the floor in front of the cabinet Neal kept a few of the twins’ books in and he was going over colors with them using flashcards Neal had made himself. “Blue,” Peter said to them. They parroted it back to him as best they could and he smiled. “Do you know what’s blue?”

Brie said “Sky!” and Peter thought that was an acceptable answer.

Joey’s response was, “Ball.” He pointed at the ball he and Neal had been playing with before Neal drove Nicky over to Trent’s house.

“Very good,” Peter said enthusiastically to them both. “Look at my smart kiddos.” Both twins giggled and grinned at him. “You know what else is blue?” They looked curious now and he leaned forward as though he were telling them a secret. “Daddy’s eyes. Daddy’s eyes are blue.”

That was when Brie saw her daddy standing a short distance behind Peter. “Daddy!”

“Yes. Daddy’s eyes are blue.”

Brie giggled and pushed herself up, repeatedly saying, “Daddy! Daddy!” as she ran towards Neal.

Peter turned just as Neal bent down and lifted Brie, holding her against his chest. “Hello, beautiful.” He kissed her forehead and she giggled at him, reaching up to play with his hair. Peter watched, fascinated. The twins certainly had a thing for Neal’s hair. They liked messing it up almost as much as Peter does. “Were you good for your poppa?” Brie grinned at him and Neal didn’t really know if she comprehended or not. “Of course you were, my little princess.”

Joey laughed from where he was sitting and crawled onto Peter’s leg. Peter wrapped his arms around the little boy, but his eyes were on his husband. After their conversation about Neal wanting to change his life, Peter could see how serious Neal was about that. Neal took care of his self-inflicted wound himself without issue and didn’t let anything get him down for more than a few minutes. Peter really admired that, but he also felt like Neal might be hiding something from him.

It was very characteristic of Neal to do whatever he could to please everyone around him even if he hurt himself in the process, even if he swallowed his sorrows and let himself drown inside. However, Peter wasn’t going to allow that. He’d watched Neal hurt himself too much and he wasn’t going to let Neal continue if that’s what he’s doing now.

Peter desperately wanted to talk to Neal about all of this, but it was just the two of them and the twins. It wasn’t like they could have Nicky sit with the twins for a few minutes while they discussed something. This needed to be a fully fleshed out conversation that might not only take a few minutes to cover. He was concerned about his husband and he needed to think of a way to approach this so Neal wouldn’t become hostile and think Peter didn’t believe him. While Peter slightly doubted Neal, he wanted to believe his husband. The last thing he wanted to do was allow himself to remain ignorant and tell himself that Neal is happy when it’s quite possible that he’s really not.

“Everything go okay when you dropped Nicky off?” he asked when Neal came closer and sat down beside him.

“Yeah,” Neal said, glancing at Peter. “He’s excited and I did remind him that he’s coming home in the morning. I just hope he doesn’t go to bed too late.”

Peter chuckled and nodded. “Well, Trent’s mom will get the boys up before we get there. She’s always been fantastic about that.” Neal nodded, letting himself believe Peter because he had no idea how Trent and his family were. Peter watched his husband in the brief silence that ensued. Neal let Brie continue to play with his hair, but something was on his mind. “Are you okay, hon?”

“Do you think we got the kids enough presents for Christmas?” He sounded genuinely bothered by his thoughts that he and Peter hadn’t gotten a sufficient number of presents for their three children. Off and on, both men had jumped on their joint Amazon account to make a few purchases for Nicky and just a couple for the twins. Most of the twins’ gifts were bought locally because they wouldn’t really care for their toys anyway.

“Oh, yeah. They’ll be thrilled, honey.” He leaned towards Neal and kissed his cheek. “We made out great, I think. Don’t worry, okay?” Neal nodded silently and it was obvious that this was still bothering him. Peter smiled at him fondly. It was always nice to see that some things hadn’t changed in his husband. “Baby, you always worry about this. Every year, you think we didn’t get them enough.” Neal’s face heated up and Peter lifted his left hand to caress Neal’s cheek gently. “I love you, Neal. Don’t worry about Christmas.”

Neal nodded and Peter could see that something was still on his mind. “Do we give each other gifts?”

Peter could hear how terrified Neal was of that because he hadn’t considered it before, which meant he had nothing to give Peter if Peter had something for him. “We did for a couple years. It’s fine if we—”

“I know it won’t be much of a surprise now, but is there anything I can get you last minute? I feel really bad for not thinking about a gift for you.”

“You honestly don’t have to get anything for me, honey. Money and gifts don’t make me as happy as you do.” Neal frowned and lowered his gaze to the floor. Something was really bothering him. “What is it, Neal?”

Neal shrugged and then he sighed. “I told myself I wanted to make things better and I couldn’t even do something as simple as getting you a Christmas gift.”

Peter moved his hand away from Neal’s cheek and began to stroke Neal’s hair gently. “Honey, I didn’t ask for anything. I don’t need anything. I’m already happy with the gift you already gave me.” Neal’s brows furrowed and he looked at Peter in absolute confusion. Peter smiled at him and leaned closer to his husband, whispering, “I have you.” Neal rolled his eyes and looked away. “Oh, come on, baby. You’re the greatest gift I’ve ever been given—and our children are shortly behind you because I wouldn’t have them without you.” That didn’t make Neal very happy and Peter sighed. “We could use a new sheet for the bed if you honestly want to give me something for Christmas.”

“Don’t give me stupid ideas,” Neal whispered. “I want something that’ll be meaningful.”

“You’re meaningful,” Peter insisted. “All I have ever wanted and needed is you, my angel.”

Neal made a sound of frustration and got to his feet, storming off into the kitchen. Peter sighed and kept playing with the babies until it was eleven-thirty. Neal hadn’t neglected them. He’d made lunch for them and had snacks for the twins, but he wasn’t exactly happy at the moment. “Poppa,” Brie said while yawning. “Nap nap.”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he said softly. Glancing into the living room, he called out, “Hon? Can you help me take the kids up for their nap?” Just as Peter began to assume he was doing it himself, Neal came into the dining room and picked Joey up since Peter was already holding Brie against him. Peter followed Neal up to the twins’ room and had a sudden idea. Once the twins were laid down, he wanted to spend quality time with Neal. They still hadn’t made love since the night Neal had cut himself. Perhaps all they needed was to unwind with each other.

“I’m sorry for not being helpful,” Neal whispered as he lowered Joey into his crib. Peter placed Brie in her own and covered her up before glancing at Neal to watch him cover their son. “I was being a jackass,” he said quietly as he neared Peter, “and I’m really sorry.”

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and held him close for a few moments before pressing his lips against Neal’s, kissing him slowly. Tentatively, he led them to the door without breaking the kiss. “Make love with me?” Peter whispered against his husband’s lips. His arms were around Neal’s waist and he didn’t really want to let go, but he would if Neal didn’t feel up for this.

Neal gasped and nodded. His eyes were closed as Peter watched him. “Please,” he pleaded. After that, it was obvious that Peter wasn’t the only one craving some love.

Almost as if they’d already choreographed everything, Neal jumped a bit and Peter grabbed Neal’s legs, holding them at his sides. Neal’s arms wound around Peter’s neck and both men were breathing heavily as Peter carried his husband into their bedroom.

The second they were in their room, Peter kicked the door. It was partially open in case the twins woke up for some reason or another. Neal, for a split second, thought about riding on top of Peter, but Peter obviously had the missionary position in mind. Neal didn’t particularly care either way. All he wanted was to be with Peter in such an intimate way.

Gasping quietly when his back hit the bed and Peter hovered over him, nipping at his neck and sucking on it alternatively, Neal moaned his pleasure. Peter was grinding into him and Neal loved when he did that. He loved feeling how hard his husband was because of him.

“Baby,” Peter moaned.

“Clothes off,” Neal pleaded. “We need to get out of our clothes.” Peter nodded when Neal opened his eyes to look up at him hungrily. After all of the time they’d spent together and all of the love they’d made together, Peter wasn’t used to this. Of course there had been urgency at times when they desperately wanted each other, but there was just something different in Neal’s eyes now—something intriguing and frightening at the same time. The affection was still very much present, but there was just something different. It hadn’t been like this the night Neal hurt himself and Peter wasn’t quite sure what to think.

Neal had taken it upon himself to begin undressing the both of them, but he noticed that Peter was distracted and stopped immediately. He didn’t say anything and he wasn’t moving. Peter was staring off to the side blankly and Neal honestly had no idea what to think. He knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, so he wondered what was on Peter’s mind then. He just watched Peter until Peter blinked, shook his head, and looked at him. “What?”

“What happened?” Neal asked. “You…zoned out, I think.” Peter’s brows furrowed as he stared at his husband. It seemed like he hadn’t realized he’d zoned out. He glanced down at Neal’s body and realized his husband was already naked and in the process of divesting him as well. “Do you not want to do this? If you don’t, it’s okay.”

Peter gave his husband a soft smile and whispered, “I never thought I’d hear _you_ say those words.” Neal gave him a small smile in response. He slid his hands up and down Peter’s arms in an attempt to relax his husband. “I don’t really know what happened,” he admitted. “I’m sorry for blanking on you.”

Neal moved his left hand and caressed Peter’s cheek, rubbing his wedding and engagement rings over Peter’s cheekbone gently. “Don’t apologize. I just want to make sure you’re all right. We don’t have to do anything if you’re not feeling up to it.”

The younger man continued to surprise him. Of course he knew Neal wasn’t sex-crazed. He never had been and Peter wasn’t sure if he ever would be. Still, he really liked how comforting Neal was without knowing what was going on in Peter’s mind. Peter had an idea, but he didn’t really know how to tell his husband about his thoughts. “When you look at me—before or during sex—do you remember the past times we made love?”

“Before my memory loss?” Peter nodded. “Sometimes. I had some brief flashes of memories when we were in Paris and I get the occasional flash here and there. Why?”

Peter sighed and whispered, “I just had a flash of my own.”

Neal nodded and shifted the blanket, covering himself up as Peter laid down beside him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Everything with you has been so different,” Peter whispered. Immediately, Peter could see that he’d hurt Neal. “I’m not saying that’s bad,” he added quickly. “Let me explain before you start hurting yourself internally.” Neal nodded, giving Peter all of his attention. He kind of wanted to hear about this, but, at the same time, he didn’t. Because he loves Peter immensely, he had no intention of stopping Peter from sharing if he wanted to. “When we made love before all of this happened, I remember how afraid and hesitant you always were. Looking at you now… I’m amazed and taken aback by how different you are.”

“Why should I be afraid of making love with you?” Neal asked. He actually wanted to know why. As far as he was concerned, he didn’t need to be afraid of Peter. Sure, Peter could be intimidating at times, but Neal knows Peter loves him and puts him before all else.

“It wasn’t necessarily that you were afraid of…me. Well, I guess you were at times.” Neal raised an eyebrow. That wasn’t really an answer nor was it helpful. “Back then, you could remember how it felt to have your body abused in unfathomable ways. I guess I was just used to you being so afraid of me that I really wasn’t expecting you to be so eager.”

Neal could kind of understand what Peter was saying, but he whispered, “Was I not eager with you before?”

“You were,” Peter assured him. “It’s just the look in your eyes. It’s different.”

“Because I know better.” Peter couldn’t help smiling a little at that. “I married you because I, obviously, trusted you. I gave myself to you because I trusted you. My body and my heart are yours to take and they always have been.” Neal shifted and scooted closer to Peter, kissing him gently, slowly. “I still trust you,” he whispered against Peter’s lips. “I still remember how I felt when I was abused, but it’s not the same. That’s a memory I don’t need to carry with me. You don’t abuse my body when you’re with me. I know the difference.”

Peter nodded slowly, chasing Neal’s lips for a couple more kisses before he gently pushed Neal onto his back and climbed on top of him. “I’d never intentionally hurt you. You, your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul have always meant so much to me. I can’t imagine doing something to hurt you so deeply.”

Neal lifted both of his hands and caressed Peter’s cheeks, smiling up at him softly. “You can do whatever you want to me. I know you’ll never hurt me the way they did.” Peter wasn’t sure how to go about dealing with this. He spent so much time caring for Neal’s well-being at all times and now… Now, Neal was giving him free rein. “I trust you, Peter. I’m giving myself to you. Take me.” Rubbing his thumbs over Peter’s cheekbones, he whispered, “I’m only yours for the taking. Take all of me without worrying. Take me the way you wanted to take me before I told you about my past.” Peter was staring into Neal’s eyes as he listened to Neal. This was a deep, internal struggle he was experiencing. How does one go from taking care of their husband’s body out of sheer fear that said husband might experience something that would worsen his trauma to…doing whatever he wanted to do?

Tentatively, Peter began to undress himself, removing whatever Neal hadn’t removed already. “I’m actually scared,” he admitted.

The younger man smiled at him reassuringly, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulders. “We’ll be okay,” he promised. “Let go of all of the limits you gave yourself. Let go of the fears you had. Let go of your inner turmoil and just be yourself—the man you always were.” He leaned up as Peter came closer for a kiss and allowed it to be a slow, passionate kiss. When they parted, he whispered, “Love me without worrying. I trust you, Peter. I always have.”

Peter glanced at Neal’s stomach, looking uncomfortably at the gash Neal had inflicted upon himself. “But…”

“I trust you,” Neal said with sincerity. “You’re the only person in my life that I trust.” Those particular words echoed in Peter’s mind. Neal had said them once before and it meant as much to him then as it does now.

After hesitating long enough, Peter trusted Neal’s words. He gripped Neal’s hands and lifted them, pressing them into the pillows as he intertwined their fingers and kissed Neal fiercely.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes celebrate Christmas.

Neal woke up to his phone buzzing on the nightstand beside him. He didn’t want to turn it off because he didn’t want to move. Peter’s chest was warm against his back and Peter’s arm was draped over his midsection. When the phone was silent again, he sighed in relief and nuzzled his face against his pillow. All he wanted to do was go back to sleep. He was exhausted after everything he and Peter had done early in the afternoon while the twins were napping the day before as well as throughout a good portion of the night. He didn’t regret a second of it, but damn. Peter surprised the hell out of him with how long he could hold out. Giving Peter the green light to be as free as he wanted in bed showed a whole new side of Peter that Neal absolutely _loved._

When the phone began to buzz on his nightstand again, Neal groaned and opened his eyes. He reached out for the phone and immediately saw his son’s picture. “Oh, shit!” He answered quickly, realizing that he startled Peter awake, and said, “I’m on my way, baby. I am _so_ sorry!” Neal jumped out of bed and began to haphazardly pull on some decent clothes.

“ _Did I wake you up?_ ”

“Uh…” Neal murmured as he pulled his pants on after his lingerie—which had started all of their bedroom activities the previous night.

Nicky giggled through the phone and said, “ _It’s okay, daddy. Take your time. Just text me when you get here._ ”

“Okay. See you soon, baby.” He threw the phone onto the bed and finished dressing himself and fixing his hair with Peter watching him sleepily. “I can’t believe I ignored the first time he called. What kind of asshole forgets that he’s supposed to pick his son up?”

Peter sighed and whispered, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. If he’s not upset with you, then you shouldn’t be upset with you.” Neal let out a sigh of his own and turned to face Peter. He felt awful for not answering Nicky’s first call, but he was grateful to have a husband who didn’t put him down for being forgetful and exhausted. “Come here.” Neal moved towards the bed and got onto it, kissing Peter the second Peter was close enough. Peter tangled his fingers in Neal’s soft, disheveled hair and moaned into the kiss. He knew he’d spent them both last night and he felt a little different internally. He wasn’t used to this and he hoped this was something he could get used to. As long as Neal was all right with what they were doing when they were making love, he’d do whatever he could to pleasure his husband. “Love you, angel.”

Neal pressed his forehead against Peter’s and whispered, “I love you, too, teddy.” Peter chuckled and Neal gave him one last, quick kiss before adding, “I’ll be back with Nicky soon.”

“I’ll have breakfast ready when you get home.”

Smirking, Neal whispered, “I highly doubt that. Go back to sleep, daddy.” Peter’s eyes flew open and his face heated up immensely. The way Neal giggled a few moments after he said that let Peter know that Neal was teasing him, but, for a split second, he thought Neal was actually serious. He absolutely loathed the idea of Neal ever using that ‘pet’ name with him because he found it disturbing. “Love you, babe. Go back to sleep, please.”

“As long as you promise you’ll never use that word with me again…”

Neal snickered and whispered, “I promise, poppa.” Peter rolled his eyes at his husband, but gave him one last kiss before swatting his ass, eliciting a quiet yelp as Neal jumped out of bed. “See you in a few, my love.”

“See you.” Peter loved having Neal right beside him in bed, curled up against him or lying on top of him, but damn did he enjoy watching Neal go. Without even trying, Neal just looked so sexy leaving their bedroom. His eyes had been fixated on his husband’s back and then he inevitably found his eyes locked onto Neal’s ass, which was beyond sexy as far as Peter was concerned. What made him smile faintly was the way Neal was walking. He’d done exactly as Neal asked and let go of everything he’d held onto since Neal told him that he was a rape survivor—and drilled the hell out of Neal. And damn his sounds were beautiful.

He waited until he heard the Taurus start up and back out of the driveway before he laid back down. He felt so strange and wasn’t quite sure whether that was a good or bad thing. Neal hadn’t complained at all last night, but Peter had this guilty feeling engrained into him after about five years of sex and making love with Neal. Whenever he’d been too rough with Neal, he felt like he’d given Neal very bad vibes and made Neal consider him a rapist or dream about him that way. When he’d looked at Neal before Neal left, all he saw was a very happy, very much in love man.

Out of sheer habit and fear, he had every intention of looking over Neal’s body to see just how much damage he’d done to his husband last night. He’d gotten himself to prolong his ejaculation because he wanted to last as long as he could for Neal. He’d also gotten Neal to orgasm at least three times. _At least_ because Neal had been an absolute and nearly incoherent mess after the third time. Peter had considered stopping at that point, but Neal insisted that they keep going if Peter could do so without hurting himself.

One thing that really bothered him was that he’d never seen Neal cry so much during sex before. He’d been going at it with Neal very passionately, but he still noticed everything in Neal’s expression and each sound Neal made. Whenever the opportunity arose, Peter felt like he needed to discuss this with Neal. Despite having Neal expressly tell him to take him the way he always wanted to without worrying, he worried. Had he gone about it the wrong way? Maybe he’d been too rough. Oh, God. What if Neal was bleeding?

Peter threw the blanket back and checked their bed sheet, searching for any sign of blood. Fortunately, it seemed like there wasn’t any, but still. He worried that he really hurt Neal. Neal did remember how it felt to have his insides torn apart and Peter would hate himself for the rest of his life if he made Neal feel that way again. How could he say he loves Neal if he’s so willing to abuse his lover’s body? Neal deserved so much better than that in his opinion.

The last thing Peter ever wanted to do was become one of the men who’d hurt his husband. He’d gotten so caught up in the heat of the moment—quite literally—with Neal and now he was left wondering if he’d missed something. What if Neal had asked him to stop at some point? Did he not hear him? Did he ignore him? His mind kept racing, finding each and every worst case scenario.

Part of him knew he was being irrational, that Neal would’ve made it very known to him if he wanted to stop, but he couldn’t help feeling like he’d gone too far this time.

Instead of going back to sleep, he laid in bed and stared at his husband’s side of the bed, tracing his fingers over where Neal actually slept as though Neal’s body were right there. He found himself very afraid that Neal might leave him. Neal wasn’t complaining about the sex, but what if he was too afraid to bring it up? Peter knew he intimidated Neal at times, but he also knew that Neal—this new side of Neal—would probably feel like he had more freedom and authority regarding what he wanted or didn’t want from Peter and he should feel so much more comfortable about speaking his mind.

He kept wondering if Neal was pretending to be okay with how rough they’d gotten last night. One reason Peter wanted to inventory every possible mark on Neal’s body was that he knew he’d bitten Neal’s neck hard enough to break the skin at one point without intentionally meaning to do so. He hadn’t even thought about doing it and that concerned him. There could be other marks on Neal’s body that Peter hadn’t considered because he, like he kept telling himself, had gone too far.

When he heard the Taurus pull into the driveway, he sat up a bit. He listened intently to make sure his husband and son came into the house safely and sighed in relief when they were inside of their home. The first sound he heard was Neal’s quiet laugh. “I’m glad you boys had fun.”

“Did you and poppa do anything fun?”

“Oh yes,” Neal said without skipping a beat. “We fed the twins, started working on some potty training, and played with them.” Nicky giggled and Peter couldn’t help smiling a little as he listened to them. “All in all, we had a pretty great night. We turned on a few Disney movies to watch with your brother and sister before putting them to bed and heading to bed ourselves.”

Peter slid out of bed and dressed himself quickly before heading downstairs to watch his husband remove his jacket. Instantly, he saw a mark on Neal’s neck. It wasn’t a hickey either. “Hi, honey,” he croaked.

Neal turned, startled, and then he smiled at his husband. “Hello, handsome.” Nicky watched his fathers after dropping his overnight bag onto the couch. He instantly picked up on something when his poppa had spoken and figured it wasn’t good. The only thing that conflicted with his theory was that Neal was acting perfectly normal and happy, so Nicky was a little lost. As Neal neared Peter, he said, “I missed you.” He leaned up to kiss Peter and Peter brushed him off before getting off of the last step on the stairway.

“Missed you, too,” the older man said quietly. Nicky saw a little bit of hurt and confusion in his daddy’s eyes and realized Neal had no idea what was going on either. Neal watched sadly as Peter went into the kitchen without another word.

“What the fuck?” Neal muttered under his breath. He glanced at his son and saw the sad look in his son’s eyes, too. Neither one of them knew what was going on with Peter at the moment. “I’ll see what’s up. He was fine earlier,” he said, sighing as he began to head towards the kitchen.

“Maybe it’s just me…”

Neal froze instantly and Nicky could see how tense his back had become. Turning, Neal whispered, “Don’t you ever say that again.” Nicky nodded silently and was a bit surprised when Neal came back to him and hugged him tightly. The teenager rested his head on his father’s shoulder as Neal said, “No matter what happens in this house, you will never be the reason for any issues poppa and I have. Don’t ever tell yourself that you’re at fault. We both love you, Nick.”

Nicky whispered, “But you said he was fine before you left, before you came to get me.”

“Whatever his problem is, I _know_ it has nothing to do with you, baby boy.” He kissed Nicky’s hair and added, “Go take your stuff up to your room. I’ll talk to poppa.” He released his son and met his eyes to make sure Nicky understood that he wasn’t to blame for whatever was going on. Neal had no idea what his husband’s problem was, but he knew for certain that it had absolutely nothing to do with their son. As soon as Nicky started heading upstairs after grabbing his overnight bag, Neal went into the kitchen. He found Peter hunched over the countertop. His back was tense and his head hung forward as though he deeply regretted something. “Peter, are you okay?” Peter nodded silently and Neal stepped closer to him. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Peter shrugged and straightened up, glancing at his husband. Neal was startled by how dull Peter’s eyes seemed. He’d been full of emotion and life before Neal left the house and he didn’t like what he was seeing now that he was home. “Don’t worry.” Neal’s brows furrowed as he watched his husband go about making breakfast for all of them. Don’t worry? Of course Neal was worried. He didn’t know what was wrong, so he didn’t know how to fix whatever the issue was.

•◊•

Everyone was excited as soon as grandma and grandpa entered the house later in the afternoon. It was fantastic to see Jon and Hannah again, but Neal was relieved to know that they were going on a slightly longer vacation once the holidays were over. The two deserved it and he was thrilled when they started showing him and Nicky a bunch of pictures they’d taken together or had someone else take of them. The couple looked so happy in every picture and that was exactly what Neal wanted when he’d suggested that they go away together for a little while.

Despite the relatively good mood everyone was in, Peter was being extremely antisocial. Considering the fact that his own parents had come back for Christmas, Peter should be a little more enthusiastic. The day wore on and Peter still hadn’t really interacted with his family. Neal was concerned, but he wasn’t going to let Peter depress him. He’d get Peter alone later and figure out what’s been going on throughout the day. Hell, even Jon had tried to pry an answer out of him after asking Neal. That hadn’t been successful either.

By the time night rolled around, Neal was actually feeling a little excited despite his husband’s unpleasant mood. The two of them were in their bedroom and Neal was, quite literally, bouncing on their bed in anticipation as he kept his eyes on their closet. He and Peter were going to place their kids’ gifts under their Christmas tree, which elated Neal more than Neal thought it would. Having recalled a few shitty Christmases he’d had when he was young as well as when he’d been a single father without a whole lot of money, he felt better about the gifts he and Peter bought and was getting himself into the spirit on Christmas Eve. He’d turned on a few Christmas classics to watch with his family and they’d ended the night by watching _The Polar Express._

Peter watched his husband. He absolutely loved seeing his husband so happy. After they were finished with getting all of their children’s gifts downstairs, he had every intention of speaking to Neal about the sex they’d had the previous night. He couldn’t consider it lovemaking because he thought he’d done everything wrong. Even now, Neal’s blatant happiness didn’t change the way he felt. He figured that Neal could act if he truly wanted to so he didn’t worry his husband. That revelation left Peter feeling even more concerned. Was Neal acting so happy in an attempt to make Peter happy?

Neal glanced at his husband and saw the slightly affectionate smile on Peter’s face as Peter watched him. He stopped bouncing once he realized he was actually doing that and blushed a bit. “You’re so beautiful,” Peter whispered, reaching out to take Neal’s hand in his. Considering his doubts, he forced himself to say, “I love seeing you like this.”

“I’m really happy and excited,” Neal admitted. “We had spectacular sex last night and I can’t wait to watch the kids open their presents in the morning. They’re going to be so thrilled!” Peter’s smile faltered for a moment, but it was immediately noticed by Neal. “Okay, seriously. Is something wrong?” Peter shook his head and Neal stared at Peter, wishing he could figure it out on his own. When Peter glanced at his husband again, he knew Neal could see through his bullshit. “Talk to me,” he pleaded. “What’s going on? You’ve been acting kind of…off all day.”

Peter hesitated, thinking this through for a moment before asking, “Did I hurt you last night?”

Neal’s brows furrowed as he said, “Not at all. I really enjoyed myself.” Peter’s skeptical look didn’t go unnoticed by the younger man. “I loved it, Peter. Honestly, there are no complaints from the bottom-boy.” He watched his husband intently after that statement. Peter seemed so lost and uncertain. In all honesty, Neal had expected differently. Peter’s reaction right now wasn’t what he’d had in mind at all. “You didn’t enjoy it at all, did you?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“Yes. Yes, you can,” Neal insisted. “I don’t know why you’re suddenly choosing to hold back from me, but I would really like to hear your side of this, you know. Making love isn’t all about me. It’s between two people. It’s about _us._ ”

“It’s always been about _you,_ ” Peter said thoughtlessly. “Every time we had sex, it was about _you._ ” Neal looked so hurt by Peter’s words. He didn’t understand where all of this was coming from and it was truly killing him inside. “ _You_ needed comfort. _You_ needed security. _You_ needed someone who wouldn’t use _you._ All I ever did was think about _you._ I took care of _you,_ held back because I didn’t want to hurt _you,_ and then _you_ decided to fuck with my head.” Neal’s eyes widened as he listened to his husband. Listening to this was slowly breaking his heart. “ _You_ wanted rough sex. _You_ expected me to be okay with that after _five fucking years._ ”

Neal’s eyes stung as tears welled up in his eyes and he allowed himself to absorb everything Peter had just spat at him. “This is about _us._ This is something intimate between two people. I’m not fucking myself, Peter, and I’m not trying to fuck with your head either. I didn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want to do. You let go of all of your unnecessary concerns and—”

“ _Unnecessary?_ ” the older man exclaimed in disbelief. Had he really heard Neal say that to him? “My husband is a rape victim. Rape means nonconsensual sex, damn it. Every single time you were taken from me and raped, you were brutally beaten and brutally raped, so excuse me and my unnecessary fucking concerns. I tried to make sex better for you and now I’m just as bad as those fuckers.”

Neal was glaring wordlessly at his husband as angry tears slid down his face. He was so hurt and couldn’t find any words to properly describe the level of emotional pain he was in. “Survivor,” he whispered. Peter made a sound of question and that set Neal off. In response, Neal yelled, “I’m a rape _survivor!_ I’m not a _victim!_ ”

Peter hadn’t even realized he’d called Neal a victim. To him, Neal had always been a survivor. Having slipped up and called Neal a victim, he could understand why Neal was pissed off. “Honey, I’m so—”

“Don’t you fucking apologize to me,” he hissed. “I don’t know what the hell your problem is. If it’s actually about the sex we had last night, then I actually enjoyed it, you ass. If you didn’t, that’s fine. We don’t have to do it like that again.” He took a deep breath before growling, “But don’t you dare blame me for the way we’ve made love, had sex, or fucked since the beginning of our relationship. Whatever you did with me before, you did with a weak and frightened man. What we did last night was what an actual couple should do. You shouldn’t have to hold back. If you really want to make love to me, you wouldn’t be worried about things I actually wanted you to stop worrying about.”

“It’s a habit I can’t break,” Peter whispered.

“Fine!” Neal snarled. “Do whatever you want. Hold back and worry about every thrust and every touch. I don’t care. At this point, I’d prefer to not have sex with you anymore because there’s too much God damn drama.” Peter gaped at his husband. He was at a loss for words, but Neal seemed like he had so much to say. “I’m your husband, not some damn weakling. If you want to fuck me, then you’ll fuck me. If you want to have slow, easy sex, then do it. We’re supposed to be happy when we’re having sex. That’s something intimate between us that we can’t have with anyone else—and you’re ruining it for me by acting this way, by putting the blame on me for whatever we did before that Neal died.” His voice became thicker as he said, “This Neal is the Neal you’re stuck with, Peter, so you need to let go of that Neal if you want things to work between us. I’m not him. I’m different.”

Peter shook his head. “You’re my Neal no matter what.”

Letting out a frustrated growl, Neal snapped, “Then why can’t you just be happy with me? Why does everything need to have some level of drama added to it? All we did was have quicker, rougher, longer sex. I don’t know where the problem is in that.” Peter bit his lip. Neal was near his breaking point and he could see it in Neal’s eyes. He was crying angry tears and Peter regretted everything he’d said to his husband. “Despite not being the Neal you know and love, I am a _survivor._ Don’t you ever victimize me and objectify me like that again!” Neal rubbed his face in frustration and slid off of the bed, leaving their bedroom.

Peter couldn’t really blame him and decided to give Neal some space. He’d go check on him in a few minutes, but he felt awful. He hadn’t meant to hurt Neal so much. He’d only wanted to talk to Neal about what they’d done and see if Neal truly felt the way he’s been acting, but he had blown it completely out of proportion and inflicted quite a bit of emotional pain on his husband. Hell, he was surprised Neal didn’t punch him. He would’ve punched himself if he were Neal.

After a few minutes of silence, Peter heard a car turn on very close to the house and he jumped out of bed and darted into the hallway. “Neal?” he called out quietly. If no one had woken up while Neal was yelling at him, he hoped that he wouldn’t wake them now.

“He left, son.” Peter startled when he realized his father was downstairs. Darting down the stairway, he glanced out of the front window just in time to see Neal quickly back out of their driveway and speed off in the darkness.

“No, no, no,” Peter said frantically as he headed for the front door. He had no idea where Neal would even go right now and that frightened him. Sure, he could pull up his app and track Neal’s watch, but— When Jon grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the door, he saw Neal’s watch in his father’s other hand.

Jon watched his son crumble right in front of him. He wanted to say a few things to Peter to express his disappointment in Peter, but he just held him and allowed him to cry as he’d held Neal and allowed Neal to cry minutes before Neal said he needed to get out of the house for a little while. It was Christmas Eve and Jon didn’t want to upset his son more.

It was Christmas Eve and Neal had taken off in the Taurus without telling either of them where he was going or if he planned on coming back. It was Christmas Eve and Peter realized he’d broken his husband’s heart.

•◊•

Around three-fifteen, Peter startled awake on the couch. The front door had opened and closed quietly, but he still heard it. “Neal?” he called out thickly. The room was dark and he assumed it was Neal, but he couldn’t tell just yet because his eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness yet.

“It’s me,” Neal whispered. Peter let out a relieved sigh that eventually became a quiet sob. Neal neared the couch and knelt beside his husband, hushing him quietly. Peter was so relieved that Neal had come home because he’d been gone for nearly five hours. “Relax, love. Take it easy.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said, pulling Neal closer until Neal let out a quiet gasp and toppled over on top of Peter. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Neal. I’m so sorry…” He ran his fingers through Neal’s hair and Neal let him. He’d left for a few hours to clear his head and just…think. After about ten minutes of aimless driving, he’d calmed down. After the first hour, he’d forgiven Peter. The remainder of the time he’d been out, he spent with Elizabeth briefly as well as Mozzie. Elizabeth hugged him and held him, promising him that things would be okay once he went home and he’d really needed to hear that after describing everything Peter said to him. Mozzie, however, wasn’t quite so understanding or encouraging. He offered to take Peter far, far away and Neal, in his horror, told Mozzie that he really didn’t want Mozzie to do that. After he’d managed to fix his issues with Mozzie, Mozzie agreed with Elizabeth eventually and told him to go home. “Where did you go for so long?”

Neal closed his eyes and whispered, “Places. What matters now is that I’m home.” He opened his eyes and glanced at their Christmas tree. “Let’s get the presents, okay? If you want to sleep, we’ll get some sleep afterwards and talk later.”

Slowly, Neal managed to get Peter up from the couch and lead him upstairs into their bedroom. It only took them about fifteen minutes to carry everything downstairs and arrange them randomly in front of the Christmas tree. After they’d finished, they stood back and looked at the decent amount of presents they’d gotten their children. Neal glanced up at Peter and realized Peter was staring at him sadly. “Are you going to leave me?”

“I came back, didn’t I?” Peter nodded silently as Neal took his hand and intertwined their fingers. He gave his husband a small smile to reassure him before lifting his hand to kiss the older man’s knuckles. He didn’t want to leave Peter. Everything Peter said had hurt him, but he loves Peter too much to walk away from him. He didn’t want to let his husband go because he knows how much Peter really loves him. The bastard was just too stubborn to accept change in their lives and Neal was going to do whatever he could to help Peter adjust to whatever lifestyle they were going to live together. He didn’t want to argue about sex or anything like that. All he wanted was to fix this issue, get through it, and do whatever needed to be done in order to completely resolve the issue itself. He’d come home to his husband and that was important above all else at the moment. Quietly, he said, “That’s your answer, Peter,” and proceeded to lead his husband up to their bedroom where he hoped they would be able to get some sleep before the kids all woke up.

Unfortunately, they were woken up around eight—approximately two hours after getting to sleep. While Neal was grateful to have talked everything through with Peter, he was exhausted. Nicky, little brat that he is, woke his siblings up and took them downstairs to find their presents. Naturally, Neal and Peter needed to get up with them so they could watch the three open everything up.

Peter went into the dining room and grabbed the camera he’d charged overnight and took it over to the couch, plopping down onto the couch so he was comfortable while recording the kids. He glanced up at his husband who was standing a short distance away from the couch with his arms crossed over his chest to keep his robe closed. He had pants on, but he was shirtless and a little chilled. Peter’s eyes lingered in the bite mark he left on Neal’s neck and his mind was dwelling on the bruises he’d found on Neal’s hips that were shaped like his fingers. He’d asked Neal if he could look him over and he realized he actually had left some evidence of the fact that he’d been rough.

Peter wasn’t happy with himself at all, but he’d managed to forgive himself once Neal told him there wasn’t anything for him to forgive because he’d loved every moment he spent with Peter. Peter had a hard time believing him, but Neal kept reassuring him. He admitted that he loved the bite mark and the bruises on his hips didn’t actually hurt. To him, they were all just marks that proved Peter owned him. Peter had almost gotten into another argument based on that, but Neal asked him to let it go and see it the way he meant it rather than interpret it in his own way. “Hon,” he said softly. Neal immediately looked at his husband while Nicky was sorting presents for himself and the twins. Tentatively, Peter patted his lap as an invitation for Neal to relax with him. Fortunately, Neal accepted the invitation and climbed onto Peter’s lap, leaning on him tiredly and resting his head against Peter’s.

The older man’s left arm was wound around Neal’s body, holding him, and he held the camera in his right hand, preparing himself so he’d be ready to record the second the kids were ready to begin unwrapping their presents. He kissed Neal’s hair gently and was relieved when Neal kissed his neck softly before whispering, “I love you. Don’t forget that.” Peter could never forget that, but he did wonder why Neal stayed with him sometimes. With all of the crass and uncalled for things he’s said to Neal, he felt like Neal had every right to leave him. For whatever reason, Neal always chose to stay.

“I’ll love you forever,” Peter eventually whispered in response. He gently and absentmindedly rubbed Neal’s left hip and Neal managed to smile a little at that. A little thrill of pleasure surged through him when he realized Peter had finally decided those miniscule bruises were love-marks rather than abuse. It wasn’t like Peter had purposely tried to hurt him. Neal certainly didn’t see it that way. Besides, he pointed out the crescent-shaped marks he’d left on Peter’s shoulders and Peter calmed down.

Discussing the remarks Peter made about sex always revolving around Neal had been harder to overcome because Neal wanted Peter to explain why he thought that way and Peter didn’t want to say something that would hurt Neal more. Eventually, Peter had admitted that he didn’t mean what he said, that he knew their lovemaking or sexual activities were between both of them and about both of them. He also informed Neal that he considers Neal a survivor, not a victim like he’d accidentally said earlier. He didn’t want to put Neal into that mindset and he was glad Neal had taken it from a survivor standpoint regardless of what Peter said to him. Neal—this version of Neal—didn’t want to be a victim of anything. No matter what happened to him, he was determined to survive everything rather than allow it to destroy him.

Both men watched their kids open each and every present, enjoying the happiness and excitement the three of them were expressing. The twins were thrilled just by tearing apart the wrapping paper, but they seemed to enjoy their toys, too. Neal and Peter had gotten Nicky a bunch of crafty gifts because Nicky wanted to paint, to build things, and to just allow his imagination to consume him. All in all, Peter had been right in telling Neal that the kids would enjoy their presents wholeheartedly. Thus far, it seemed like a merry kind of Christmas since their kids were happy.

A few hours went by and the five of them went back upstairs. Nicky brought the twins into his room where he planned on going back to sleep with them for a little while and Neal and Peter returned to their bedroom after making Nicky promise to wake them up if he woke up before them.

Hannah and Jon had woken up shortly thereafter and were perfectly content with staying in their room. They wanted to spend a little more time with each other since Jon had been kept up most of the night, waiting for Neal to come home and then waiting to see if Neal would leave again. Once he realized Neal wasn’t going anywhere, he’d allowed himself to sleep.

As soon as Peter closed their bedroom door, he glanced in his husband’s direction and realized Neal was kneeling beside their bed. His brows furrowed until he watched Neal pull something out from underneath the bed. “I…made something for you.” Peter had no idea when Neal found the time to do so between the day before Christmas Eve and Christmas day. “Remember when I was upset with you for telling me you just wanted me as your present?” Peter nodded, understanding immediately. “I came up here and worked on it from time to time.”

Peter watched Neal bite his lip and he couldn’t keep himself from quickly moving towards his husband, kneeling in front of him, and gently easing Neal’s soft lip out from between Neal’s teeth. “Don’t bite yourself,” Peter whispered, rubbing his thumb over Neal’s lower lip. “You don’t need to be nervous, sweetheart.”

Neal nodded and tentatively handed Peter the gift he’d made and wrapped himself. Peter gave him a gentle smile before taking him up to their bed so he could open the present. He regretted not getting anything for Neal, but Neal didn’t want anything. Eagerly, Peter unwrapped his present. Upon doing so, he found a little book inside. The cover of the book had Neal’s elegant handwriting on it and its title was: _Our Fairytale._

The older man was instantly awed by that and proceeded to open the little book. In it, he found several dates—one per page—that were important to both of them. The day they met, the first time they kissed, the first time they said they loved each other, the first time they made love, the day Nicky first called Peter his poppa, the day Peter proposed to him, the day they were married, when they’d adopted the twins, their vacation to Paris, and the last page is what immediately went straight to Peter’s heart—as if the rest of the book hadn’t done just that already.

On the last page, Neal had written: _There is no ending because our love is eternal._

Peter’s eyes watered and Neal watched him carefully. “What do you think?” Neal asked, sounding so afraid. If only Neal knew that he had nothing to be afraid of.

“Honey, this is beautiful,” he said thickly. He couldn’t even close the book before he pulled Neal into his arms, embracing him tightly. “I love it. I love you.” He kissed Neal’s forehead, cheek, nose, and then his lips. All of the dates Neal had written into this little book were important to them both. One thing piqued his curiosity though. “How did you remember every date?”

Neal separated from Peter and gave him a soft smile, lifting his left hand to caress the right side of Peter’s face. “The important things are unforgettable,” he whispered. He’d gone up to their bedroom and focused very hard on trying to recall those particular dates because Peter had mentioned them at one point or another since he’d come home without his memories. He specifically made this book for Peter because those dates were so important to Peter—as important as Peter is to him. “After the way things went last night, I’m really glad I made this in advance.”

“I’m so sorry for hurting you,” Peter said, not for the first—or second—time. “This means so much to me, honey.” He let Neal gently wipe his tears away and couldn’t stop smiling at his husband. “I’m going to try harder to…to adjust. I love you just the way you are and I need to stop holding on to the past. This is our present, our future.” Neal pressed his forehead against Peter’s, listening to his husband. “I’m going to try to keep myself from hurting you like I did earlier. My words may be thoughtless at times, but my actions will always prove how much you mean to me.” Neal knew Peter meant that. “I’m actually kind of upset with myself for not doing anything for you. This was a very beautiful gift, my angel, and I’ll keep it forever.”

Tentatively, Neal whispered, “Were you serious when you said all you wanted for Christmas was…me?” Peter nodded, sitting back a little to meet his husband’s eyes. He could see the hesitation in Neal’s eyes for a split second before the determination and affection kicked in. “All I want is you,” he whispered. “Will you give me all of you?”

Peter nodded and moved to set the small book of love on his nightstand before gesturing towards the center of the bed. He waited until Neal was lying on his back at the center before crawling on top of him, holding himself above his husband. “You can have everything I am. I belong to you, Neal.” Peter knew he was getting himself right back into the situation that had initially hurt Neal’s feelings, but he wasn’t going to let himself do that to Neal. Neal is a stronger man now. He’d overcome pieces of his past and was determined to keep them from hurting him further. It just took a little more time for Peter to get to that point, to see Neal as a stronger man, to see him as a man capable of anything.

He kissed the younger man fiercely, giving himself over to every sensation, every touch from his lover’s warm skin, and every sound Neal made to express his pleasure. He hadn’t held back the night Neal asked him to let go of the past and he wasn’t holding back now. Every thrust into his husband was powerful, deep, and still filled with love. He caressed, licked, nipped, and kissed Neal’s skin from time to time, letting his mouth express his love for everything Neal has given him and is giving him.

While he’d left several hickeys and love bites on various parts of Neal’s body, the connection between their bodies was what expressed Peter’s love the most. He was giving Neal everything, allowing himself to be a little rough, to use force without forcing Neal to endure this. He took care of Neal’s body even as he claimed him—and that was what Neal wanted. Neal wanted to be loved without boundaries and Peter had finally given him just that.

In the past, Peter had been afraid to thrust too hard, to thrust too deep, fearing that he’d frighten Neal and make him think the worst. Presently, that was the furthest thing from his mind. Neal insisted that Peter let go of his limits and Peter finally allowed himself to do so. He loved the Neal he’d made gentle, careful love with, but he also loved the Neal he was making powerful, passionate love with now. Neal had changed and he needed to accept that. He couldn’t allow himself to see Neal as a traumatized man in need of someone who would treat him as though he were fragile any longer. Neal wanted this unbridled passion and Peter had every intention of giving him that passion from now on.

After they’d relaxed and laid together, entangled in each other’s limbs and breathing heavily, Peter realized he could get used to this. He actually did enjoy this, but he hadn’t let himself fully experience it at first. He had to let go of the Neal he’d first fallen in love with in order to properly love the Neal he was in love with now. “Merry Christmas, beautiful,” he whispered, kissing the corner of Neal’s mouth.

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s. Though his eyes were closed, he murmured, “Merry Christmas, my love.”

Peter combed his fingers through Neal’s sweaty, disheveled hair and could immediately see how safe and secure Neal felt. Despite having gotten rough with the younger man, he could see that Neal still felt very deeply about him.

Even as Neal slept against him and he eventually succumbed to his own sleep, he knew he could do this. He knew he could release himself from all of the precautions and fears he’d held dear for the last several years. By allowing himself to fully enjoy this experience with his husband, he felt free for the first time in a long time. Making love with his husband who had been haunted by his past had always been a beautiful thing, but Peter knew that making love with his husband who was no longer haunted and disturbed by the horrors he experienced could be equally beautiful.

Neal, after losing his memories, had been freed from his past. He was freed from his trauma, his fears, his need for constant protection. The man lying so close to Peter now, on Christmas Day, was a man who let himself be free. Peter silently promised his husband that he would begin to allow himself that same freedom.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes celebrate the New Year.

The days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve were fantastic. Peter had a few moments here and there when he felt like he was messing up his relationship with Neal, but Neal had to reassure him, make him understand that there was nothing wrong. He didn’t mind telling Peter that everything was great. The hardest part was making Peter believe him. He understood what Peter had said to him Christmas Eve though. This insecurity was about five years in the making and it would take time for Peter to feel comfortable with what they were doing. All he could really do for Peter right now was encourage him.

They were curled up together on their bed and Peter’s fingers were absentmindedly running up and down Neal’s back slowly. Neal’s eyes were on Peter’s face and he could see the war going on inside of Peter just by looking at his eyes. He was calm one moment and worried the next—until his hand finally stopped running along Neal’s back and he closed his eyes, sighing quietly. Neal didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to ask Peter leading questions. If Peter wanted to say something, Neal didn’t want to influence his thoughts and not get the point across. Peter needed to think through his thoughts and speak when he was ready.

All Neal did was gently rub his bare leg against Peter’s. His eyes were still on Peter’s face and his hand was resting over Peter’s heart. “I feel like I should be okay by now,” he whispered. “I want to believe what you say and feel, but I’m having a really hard time with this.” He opened his eyes and glanced down at his husband. “Would you ever lie to me about this?”

“No,” Neal whispered sincerely. “I love you, Peter. The last thing I want to do is purposely cause you pain.”

Peter nodded slowly and Neal was trying his best to sound convincing. He really wanted Peter to believe him, to trust his words. “If you were going through flashbacks or having nightmares, would you tell me?”

“Of course.” He rubbed his hand over Peter’s chest before planting a gentle kiss on Peter’s skin. “I trust you more than anyone else. I know I can come to you about anything and everything.” He nuzzled his face against Peter’s shoulder and whispered, “I have no reason to hide anything from you.”

Peter was silent and looked away from Neal then. Neal’s brows furrowed as he watched his husband’s face. He was trying to figure out what was wrong now. He was being completely honest with Peter about all of this. “What nightmare were you having a couple days after Christmas? It woke you up and you left the bed.”

Neal frowned. “I dreamed about Vincent, but it wasn’t because of what you and I were doing,” he said. Peter could hear the slight tremor in his husband’s voice, so he looked at him again. “I swear it wasn’t because of you.”

“What made you dream about him?”

Sighing, Neal whispered, “A scar.” Peter’s brows furrowed now. He honestly thought he was the reason Neal had a nightmare and he’d felt awful since that night. “I know you’re aware of my many, many scars. Did I ever talk to you about why I have some of them?”

Peter whispered, “A few of them. I didn’t want to pressure you into talking about them—and I still don’t.”

Neal shifted a bit and Peter watched Neal lie on his back. He watched Neal trace a scar on his forearm. He’d known about it and was pretty sure he knew about every scar Neal had on his body. Whether or not he knew the story behind them was another thing. He’d never pressured Neal into talking about them and he wasn’t about to do that now. “He threw me. We had a glass table and he threw me into it.” He glanced at his husband’s face and added, “It didn’t feel like it happened to me. I was just a little shaken up by it.”

Peter gasped quietly and Neal gave him a concerned look. When Peter slid his hand under Neal’s back, he asked, “Is that why you have these scars on your lower back? Did he throw you backwards?” Neal nodded slowly. He could remember his back bleeding as a result of that and it was exactly where Peter was touching him now. “That bastard,” he hissed. “You were a teenager. You didn’t deserve that, especially not from a ‘father’ figure.” Neal twisted himself a bit and curled up against Peter’s side again. Peter held him and sighed. He knew Neal was trying to get him to calm down before his anger got out of hand. “You never deserved that, honey.”

“I know,” Neal said quietly. “That’s why I’ve always been grateful for you. You don’t do those things to me.” He kissed Peter’s chest and looked up at the older man when Peter’s fingers tangled up in his hair. “I know you love me. Whenever I’ve thought otherwise, I just remember what Vincent did to me. That man was supposed to be a father to me and he abused and raped me instead.” Peter swallowed hard. It was always difficult listening to Neal describe things that happened to him. What was even harder to deal with was the fact that Neal could speak about it in such a way that made it seem like he wasn’t afraid of his past. He was so used to Neal’s past tormenting him and now it didn’t have that effect on Neal. While he was grateful for that, he thought it was…odd. Neal knew what Vincent had done to him and remembered some of it, but he still felt as though they hadn’t happened to him. “You’re my husband. You’ve never hit nor raped me. You’re a gentle and wonderful man, Peter. I really appreciate having you.”

Peter ran his fingers through Neal’s hair and whispered, “I always wanted you to have the love you deserve. I’m just grateful that you allowed me to be the one to give it to you.” Neal smiled up at him and Peter couldn’t help smiling in response. “I love you very much. I never want to treat you that way. You deserve so much better.”

Neal nodded. “I know I do. I deserve you.” That was something else Peter was trying to get used to. For the longest time, Neal hadn’t felt worthy of Peter’s love. Now, he _knew_ he was. “I can’t tell you how much better my life has been because of you.” Neal paused and considered that for a moment. He meant that quite honestly, too. Before Peter had initially come into his life, things hadn’t been perfect. He remembered struggling to pay for things, a beautiful woman who’d given him a home and paid for his rent when he couldn’t afford it, and he remembered being alone with his son. Peter brightened up their lives then and he still had that same affect on him as well as their children. Neal was grateful to have this life and he had it because Peter rescued him and was patient enough to help him through his memory loss. While neither of them knew whether or not all of Neal’s memories would return someday, Neal was grateful to have all that he has. He’s surrounded by his beautiful family and they love him dearly. That was all he really wanted and he was automatically given that. “I’m blessed to have you.”

“Nah,” Peter whispered with a soft smile on his face. “You won me over the second you looked at me.”

The younger man laughed quietly when Peter hugged him. He loved the other man so much. Sometimes, he could remember some one night stands or very short relationships. He remembered a few different men he’d been with and he didn’t know any of their names. When those memories had begun to come back to him, he realized how he’d let each and every one of them walk all over him and treat him like the whore he thought he was. He’d really loathed the person he was before losing his memory. He thought he was weak, that he could’ve and should’ve been stronger and more appreciative of the love Peter has always given him. He was striving to be a better, stronger man now, but he still resented the man he’d been before. “You won me over the moment I met you,” he whispered against Peter’s neck.

A gentle knock on their door startled them both and they scrambled to cover themselves up decently as the door opened and Jon poked his head into their room. “Oh, good. You’re awake. It’s New Year’s Eve, boys. Get out of bed.”

Jon came into their bedroom and the two men looked at him as though he were crazy. “Dad, get out,” Peter said petulantly.

“Awe. You sound just like you did when you were sixteen and trying to hide the porn you were watching.” Peter’s face heated up and Neal laughed quietly, kissing his husband’s jaw. The two men watched Jon go into Peter’s dresser. “If I let you two take your time getting dressed, you’ll never come downstairs.”

“I’m going to climb out of bed naked if you don’t get out,” Peter said.

Jon turned towards his son and raised an eyebrow. “Go ahead.” He chuckled when Peter’s face became even redder than it had been. “You seem to forget that I watched your naked little butt come into this world, Peter Michael. By all means, get out of bed.” He went back to grabbing clothes for Peter and tossed them onto the bed.

Neal watched Jon and glanced at Peter a moment later. Peter could read Neal’s mind and nodded. Slowly, Neal slid out of bed. His side was closest to his dresser and he quickly grabbed his lingerie that he wanted to wear for the day before darting back into bed and sliding under the blanket as Peter lifted it for him. Jon turned to glance back at them and Neal just smiled at him, pretending he hadn’t just quickly pulled his naughty underwear out of his dresser with his father-in-law in the room. “I’m just going to wear one of Peter’s shirts.”

Jon nodded and grabbed another shirt for Neal. He was looking for something nice for the two to wear and kind of wanted them to match. He and Hannah wore matching shirts—at the very least—every New Year’s Eve. “Oh, I see,” Peter said when he realized his father had gotten two of his similarly colored shirts. “Forcing your tradition upon me and my husband, are we?”

“I’m going to assume Neal’s mature enough to search for his own pants.” Neal snickered quietly when Peter made a disgruntled sound. “Get dressed and come down before your waffles get cold. Nicky and the twins are already eating.”

“Thanks, dad,” Peter said sarcastically, earning a grin from his father before the older man exited his sons’ bedroom. “Well, that was pretty mortifying.”

Neal shrugged. “You could’ve gotten out of bed. I don’t mind you being naked.” Peter smirked at him before giving him a gentle kiss.

Both men slid out of bed and dressed themselves. However, Peter had a harder time keeping his hands to himself. He stood behind Neal with his hands tracing each and every muscle in Neal’s abdomen. Neal’s breathing quickened when Peter slid one hand a little lower and the other towards Neal’s right nipple. “You like that?” Peter whispered in his ear, eliciting a shiver from the younger man as Neal nodded. He pinched Neal’s nipple gently and rubbed his other hand over Neal’s bulge covered by lingerie. “Mm…” Peter moaned in his ear, planting a gentle kiss against the sensitive spot near Neal’s ear.

Neal gasped and whispered, “I’m gonna come.” Peter hesitated for a moment. He hadn’t realized he’d been stimulating his husband that much. “Oh, my God. Don’t you dare leave me hanging like this.”

“You want me to get you off?”

“You got me this close. You might as well finish,” he said breathlessly. Peter was hesitating and Neal was tempted to touch himself to get it over with until Peter spun him around and pushed him onto the bed. Neal was taken by surprise, but a thrill surged through him when Peter knelt in front of him, pried his lingerie out of the way, and began to suck on him. Neal gasped as he quickly came in Peter’s mouth. “Holy… Wow.” Neal relaxed on their bed and waited until Peter came up before smiling. “That was rather bold,” Neal said, sounding amused. “I like it.”

Peter shrugged and chuckled. “Didn’t want you to make a mess of this beautiful thing,” he said as he stroked Neal’s black, lacy lingerie and allowed his fingers to trail up and down Neal’s thighs. Seeing the name engraved into Neal’s skin made his heart hurt, but he still stroked over it nonetheless. Someday, he wanted to encourage Neal to cover it up with a tattoo, but he had no idea how they’d do that considering it went across his thigh. It wasn’t small nor was it a straight-across scar. “You look beautiful,” he whispered when he met Neal’s eyes.

Neal immediately sat up when Peter readjusted his lingerie and he held Peter’s face between his hands, kissing him slowly before whispering, “You make me feel beautiful.”

The older man loved their close proximity, loved listening to Neal breathe, and couldn’t resist giving his husband another loving kiss. “Okay, my angel. We should get dressed before my dad comes back in here.” Neal rubbed his thumbs over Peter’s cheekbones for a few moments before nodding and releasing the older man’s face.

Peter glanced at the fading bruises on Neal’s hips when Neal stood up. He watched his husband and realized that Neal really wasn’t hurt by them. He smiled a little to himself as he pulled his blue shirt on after buttoning his jeans. If pushing Neal onto the bed hadn’t proved that Neal’s been telling the truth, he didn’t know what would. Neal never would have allowed any of this if he’d been essentially thrown down onto the bed by Peter. It’d taken Neal’s control away when Vincent threw him down onto the bed before raping him and Peter didn’t want to make his husband relive that. The fact that Neal actually enjoyed it spoke volumes to the older man. “Do we do anything special for the new year?”

“We did one year,” Peter said softly.

Neal walked over to him and hugged him the moment he was fully dressed. “That was special.” Peter held Neal against him, kissing his shoulder. He loved the way Neal’s heart was beating as they were pressed together. “Every day with you is special. I’m grateful for each and every moment I spend with you.” Peter was awed by that. It was a typical Neal response and he absolutely adored it as he squeezed his husband gently. Considering how awful he’s felt about himself and their change in lovemaking, this was just what he needed.

•◊•

“I’m so fucking jealous,” Peter muttered under his breath as he glanced towards the dining room from the living room couch. Jon chuckled when Peter added, “He lost his memory and he stills makes food better than I do.”

“I thought you were always good when it came to pot roast,” Jon teased, earning a glare from his son. “You made it for dinner every New Year’s Eve while you were in college. Mom and I thought it was great.”

Peter sighed. “I married a man who could have a fabulous career in the culinary arts. He cooked a lot for us because he was used to cooking for himself, Mozzie, and Nicky before he met me.” Sighing again, he muttered, “He rarely—if ever—burns the food.”

Nicky came into the living room and darted at Peter, jumping onto his lap. Peter, taken by surprise, hadn’t positioned himself properly and wound up with a knee to the groin. Nicky immediately noticed that he’d hurt his poppa and forced a small smile as he nervously said, “Sorry, poppa.”

Holding a finger up, he swallowed hard. Jon and Nicky both watched him silently. It looked like Peter was holding his breath and Nicky began to look worried the longer Peter was silent. “Okay,” he finally said. “First of all, Jesus Christ, buddy. You’re not so little anymore.” Nicky’s face heated up as he curled up against Peter and Peter wrapped his arms around his son. “Second, it’s okay. I’m fine.” He kissed Nicky’s head and smiled a bit. The twins were playing on the floor in front of them and Peter really loved that Nicky still liked being this close to him.

“I’m still little enough,” Nicky murmured, eliciting a chuckle from his poppa. “When I outgrow you—”

“Oh?” Peter challenged him. He squeezed Nicky and loved the way the teenager laughed. It sounded so much like Neal’s laugh. “Your daddy is still shorter than me and you seem to have _everything_ your dad has, so I’m just going to assume you’ll end up being pretty close to his height.”

Nicky giggled and writhed around when Peter began to tickle him. “Poppa!” he cried out in between laughs and giggles. Peter kept tickling him just to hear him laugh so happily. He loved when his family was happy—and loved it even more when he made his kids happy, especially Nicky. Nicky was his first real experience with a child and was, technically, the only one of his three kids who was a ‘stepson.’ Keeping in mind the awful stories he heard about stepfathers and stepchildren, he enjoyed making Nicky happy. He’d adopted Nicky when he married Neal, so Nicky was _their_ son no matter what. Nicky had never called him a stepfather the way Neal had spoken about Vincent. From the start, he’d just been Peter and then he’d become poppa. “Poppa, stop!” Nicky finally said while laughing. He was attempting to tickle Peter in return, but Peter was better at it than he was.

Chuckling, Peter stopped tickling his son and held him close, kissing his cheek. “Love you, kiddo,” he whispered.

“I love you, poppa.” Nicky hugged him and sounded breathless as he did it. He was so much like his father when they hugged. Nicky’s embrace was just as warm and full of love as Neal’s. “I love you a lot.”

Jon watched his son and grandson in awe. He loved the father that Peter had become because Peter never thought he’d be a father upon realizing he and Elizabeth couldn’t conceive together. When Peter met Neal, that all changed for him. Jon was grateful for Neal in a variety of ways. He was grateful because Neal showed him exactly who Peter has always been, how Peter has always felt, and Neal brought this fatherly essence out of Peter. Above all of that, Jon always loved how happy his son was now.

Holidays that Peter and Elizabeth spent with them hadn’t been terrible by any means, but it was always so obvious that Peter wasn’t happy. Sitting beside his son and grandson on New Year’s Eve, Jon could see a major difference—a very, very positive change in Peter’s life and happiness. This was what he’d always wanted for Peter. It just took the right man to bring Peter out and give him the happiness and love he was seeking.

In the dining room, Neal stood very still and just watched his husband and son. His eyes watered and he couldn’t help smiling as he’d watched Peter. Peter loves the teenager a great deal and was happy to do whatever he could to make the boy laugh and smile. He’d watched it all because Nicky’s laughter made him leave the kitchen to see what made his son so happy. It really wasn’t a surprise to see that it was Peter.

While he’d been standing there, he had a brief flashback. He remembered being very young and being played with and loved by a man the way Peter played with and loved their son. He assumed that he wasn’t any older than five years old and that the man was his father, but he wasn’t entirely sure. It definitely hadn’t been Vincent. Nonetheless, Peter had brought out a nice memory from Neal’s own childhood simply by playing with their son. He appreciated it, considering all of the negative things he’d remembered from his childhood and teenage years. Above all of that, he really enjoyed watching Peter and Nicky. Nicky, at nearly sixteen years old, still acted like the little boy Neal could see in his head sometimes.

Neal headed back into the kitchen when everything had settled down and Hannah asked, “Is that a little smile I see?” Neal’s small smile transformed into a grin and Hannah loved that. “Peter has to be responsible for that,” she teased him.

“I love that man so much,” he said quietly in response, moving over to the oven to check on the pot roast. “He makes Nicky laugh and I love it. He loves Nicky so much and I can see it when I watch them.” Hannah nodded, leaning against him when he straightened up and closed the oven. “He’s a wonderful poppa and I’m very lucky to have him.”

“You’re the one who made him a poppa,” Hannah told him. “If you didn’t have Nicky when he met you… I don’t know.” Neal gave her a curious look. “He was pretty discouraged when he and Elizabeth couldn’t have children. I don’t know if he ever would have adopted if he’d stayed with her. His very first adoption was your son—and you can see how beautiful the two of them are.” Neal nodded and smiled softly. “Sharing your son with him made him the man and poppa he is right now. Peter’s always been a wonderful man and it’s nice to see that you and the family the two of you made bring out the best in him.”

Neal hugged Hannah and chuckled quietly before whispering, “Thank you for not using contraceptives the night you conceived him.” Hannah laughed when she returned his embrace.

She kissed his cheek and retorted, “Who said it was during the night?”

The two of them snickered until another voice said, “Mom, what are you doing to my husband?”

Hannah kept laughing quietly even as she and Neal pulled away from each other. Peter raised an eyebrow at his husband who was grinning broadly. Whatever his mom said obviously made Neal happy—and Peter loved seeing Neal happy. “We were talking about you,” the younger man finally said while trying to keep himself from bursting into laughter. He absolutely loved Peter’s parents. Neal felt comfortable saying some naughty things with them regarding him and Peter or Hannah and Jon. In fact, he loved the teasing between them.

“Do I want to know?”

“He was thanking me for not using a condom with your father when you were conceived.” Neal couldn’t help himself and burst into laughter when Hannah rested her hand on his back and laughed quietly with him. Peter just stared at his husband incredulously. Neal was quite bold and Peter actually did like that, but really? Neal actually said _that?_ “He saw you and Nicky, so—”

Peter made a quiet sound and said, “Ah, I completely understand then.” His incredulous stare became softer as he watched his husband. Neal was trying to contain himself and Peter thought it was adorable. “My beautiful brat,” Peter said as he neared Neal, pulling him into a tight hug. He heard Neal sigh contentedly and felt Neal’s heart beating very quickly. Hannah slipped out to give the two of them a little bit of privacy and Peter whispered, “I can’t believe you said that to my mom, but I love what you meant by it.”

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s and whispered, “I feel free enough to speak my mind when I’m comfortable.” Peter loved that. He loved how much comfort Neal has expressed since his relationships with his family members had gotten better. It’d been a struggle at first, but it was nothing they couldn’t overcome. “By the way, dinner’s almost done—no thanks to you.” Peter slapped Neal’s ass and the sound Neal let out had Peter laughing. It was something like a squeak and a cry mixed together. “Ow. That really wasn’t nice,” he muttered. “Feel free to do that in the bedroom, but not when I have to sit at the dinner table in a few minutes… Insensitive bastard…”

Peter froze. He wasn’t sure if he’d really hurt Neal. Neal was still pressed against him and he didn’t know if he wanted to see the pain he’d inevitably see in Neal’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said sincerely.

The younger man groaned and muttered, “Peter, I was teasing. It didn’t hurt that bad.” He retaliated by sliding both of his hands down to grab Peter’s ass and Neal was surprised by the quiet moan Peter let out when he pressed their lower halves closer together. “Oh. You like having your ass grabbed, do you?”

“Just by you.”

Neal smiled up at him and whispered, “I’ll make a habit of that in the new year,” before slipping out of Peter’s hold to check on dinner again. Peter stared at his husband in mild surprise. Not for the first time since once of them had pressed themselves together in a fashion similar to the way Neal had pulled Peter against him, Peter found himself wondering if he and Neal could switch positions in bed—just to try something new. He tried to shut down that thought process, but he couldn’t help the fact that he was interested in asking Neal at some point to see where he stood in regards to that now. In a way, he really wouldn’t mind seeing Neal’s dominant side while they were together. In fact, he honestly wished he could have that kind of intimacy with Neal. He was just so damn afraid to ask…

•◊•

Peter smiled when Neal sat on his lap after cleaning up the mess they’d all made. From about eight o’clock until about eleven thirty, they’d all been playing board games. Neal occasionally stepped away to clean up snacks that were thrown around by his very competitive husband, son, and parents-in-law. He also took care of the twins while the others were all riled up.

Once the games had come to an end, Neal was honestly relieved. Now he could just enjoy the last few minutes of twenty-fifteen with his family. The twins were sitting on the floor in front of their fathers and Nicky was sitting beside his grandparents on the other couch.

Neal smiled at Peter when Peter kissed his neck and wrapped his arms around him. “I’m really hoping things get better for all of us this year,” Peter whispered against his husband’s throat.

“They will,” Neal assured the older man. “Everything will get better. We just need to think positive and do whatever we can.” He laid back against Peter’s chest and loved when Peter rubbed over his heart. “I want this year to be better for us. We all deserve that.”

Peter silently nodded his agreement and they went back to watching the television. The two of them weren’t really paying attention to anything until the last five minutes. “I wish I could propose to you all over again,” Peter admitted. “I want to see your reaction again.”

Neal teased, “It’s a little late now, but feel free to do that next year.” Peter chuckled and nodded. “I mean that. You can propose to me again if you want to. I really wouldn’t mind. Just…give yourself time to work it through again if you’re serious about it.”

The older man was absolutely awed by his husband. “You’re such a sweetheart.”

“Only because I love you so much and want you to be as happy as you make me.”

Peter nuzzled their faces together, bumping their noses playfully and laughing quietly until Nicky said, “Guys, we have one minute left of this year.”

The two men quieted down and Peter twisted Neal a bit, pulling his legs up onto the couch. Neal was sitting sideways on his lap because he wanted to give Neal a perfect kiss to start off the New Year. Neal seemed to pick up on that and Peter was inclined to make it happen regardless. To him, there was no better way to start the New Year than kissing the man he loves more than anything.

Peter, Neal, Nicky, Hannah, and Jon all counted down the second it began, watching the ball come down in Times Square. They honestly could’ve gone there to watch the ball drop, but it was better to spend the last day of the year together as a family. It was intimate and what they all preferred.

Five. Four. Three. Two. _One._

Neal smiled at Peter immediately and Peter initiated a loving kiss with his husband. Peter’s left hand rested on Neal’s hip, but Neal’s hands framed Peter’s face while they kissed. The moment they parted, they both breathlessly whispered, “Happy New Year,” to each other.

Both men rose up from the couch and kissed the twins, murmuring the same thing to them even though the twins were tired and didn’t really understand what was going on, before doing the same with Nicky and their parents.

Everyone was actually ready for bed by this point and the twins were starting to fall asleep when their fathers carried them up to their cribs. “Are you tired?” Peter whispered to Neal after setting Brie down in her crib.

“No. Have something in mind?” Neal answered after laying Joey down and covering him up.

“Not particularly. I just want to enjoy you—and not sexually, I mean.” Neal smiled at Peter as Peter neared him and nodded. He liked how that sounded. They could make love whenever they wanted. Neal could see that Peter wanted to appreciate him in a different kind of way to start off twenty-sixteen and he wasn’t opposed to that at all.

Peter led Neal back into their bedroom and quietly closed their door. “How do we usually spend the first day of the new year?”

Peter shrugged as he rested his hands on Neal’s hips. “It doesn’t matter how we _used_ to spend our holidays together,” he said softly. He looked right into Neal’s eyes as he added, “We can make new memories, new holiday traditions, new everything… The past is the past. You—as you are right now—are my present and my future.” Neal didn’t know how to respond to that. He absolutely loved every word Peter said to him, but he didn’t have the words to respond properly. “I love you. Let’s just start the new year with that.”

Neal lifted his arms and wrapped them around Peter’s neck, clasping his hands behind Peter as he smiled softly at his husband. “I love you, my beautiful and very handsome husband. I can’t imagine being anywhere else but here—with you. Being with you is the perfect beginning and end.”

The older man absolutely agreed. “You’ve been my New Year’s kiss every year. Elizabeth and I never shared that, but you and I do. Starting a new year with you is the epitome of perfection.” He led Neal to their bed and waited until Neal got himself comfortable. He couldn’t help smiling at his husband affectionately. Neal was nearly lying on his stomach and Peter felt compelled to sit right in front of him, crossing his legs for comfort, so he could just stare at the man he was grateful to have every New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.

Neal’s little smile made Peter’s heart flutter. He’d laid down on top of their blanket and bent his left arm, scrunching the blanket up beneath his left shoulder and resting his left hand near his face. He looked so damn cute and his eyes lit up as he stared up at Peter. Peter watched Neal’s right arm stretch across the bed and he couldn’t resist pulling Neal’s hand back a bit, intertwining their fingers and resting their hands on his left leg. “I love you,” Neal whispered again. “I love that you’re the one I end and begin my years with.”

Peter gently squeezed Neal’s finger before relaxing his grip. He loved this man more than words could ever express. He loved the man Neal is, loved the words that came out of Neal’s mouth… He loved Neal’s beautiful face, his gorgeous body, his stunning smile, and the affectionate gleam in his brilliant eyes. “I want to spend every end and every beginning with you,” he whispered. “I’m so grateful to have you, to have your love…”

“You will always have me and my love,” Neal assured him. His smile and the look in his eyes never faltered for a moment. He was so inexplicably happy and Peter’s breath was taken away by that pure, innocent happiness. There weren’t enough words to perfectly describe the way Neal looked to him in that moment.

“The last several years have been the best. I’ve been so happy, I’ve been given a beautiful family, and I have things to look forward to. I look forward to every moment of every day I spend with my loved ones.” He leaned forward, lifted their hands, and kissed Neal’s hand before resting it on his leg again. “I wonder… Do you happen to know what I appreciate more than anything else? Do you know what I consider as the best part in my life?” Neal, still as affectionate as he was before, made a quiet sound. It sounded like a mix between a content sigh and a mumbled, light laugh. Peter stared at his beautiful husband, loving the way Neal looked at him. Neal’s eyes had never lied to him and they weren’t lying now. Neal never had to utter the words ‘I love you’ to him because he could see Neal’s love every time their eyes met. It meant so much to him that Neal always genuinely loved him, always looked genuinely happy to be with him, and always managed a genuine and considerably beautiful smile because of him. This was exactly how he wanted the year to begin. He whispered, “The best part is you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!!! I apologize for not getting this chapter up sooner, but I hope everyone’s year has started off well and that you all have a fantastic 2016! As an aside, I posted a [small edit that inspired the end of this chapter.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5601283) As always, thank you all for continuing to read this story and its predecessors. It means a lot to me and keeps me inspired to write more. Again, Happy New Year!!!


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old "friend" makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking longer than anticipated to get this update up. I somehow managed to lose my inspiration and really struggled. I’m not completely happy with this chapter, but I hope you’ll still like it a little.

Peter’s first few days back to work after the holidays had ended were awful and Neal wished he knew what to do for his husband. Agents had come up from DC to question every agent involved in the sting they’d planned to arrest Rachel with. Needless to say, Peter had to bring Neal in since he’d been the one who was able to make Rachel confess to her crimes and he’d also been shot in the process. While he hadn’t been injured, the agents questioned him on the effectiveness of the White Collar division. Neal had been honest with them and told them everything went according to plan. Her escape wasn’t anticipated, but the agents had tried their best in his opinion.

However, the awful part about all of this was that the agents from DC decided that the division wasn’t effective as a whole. Peter, fortunately, managed not to be extremely affected by the changes that were being enacted initially. He was training new agents and taking them with him on cases to get them in the field. While Peter was out doing exactly what he’d been asked to do, changes in the bureau had been made. Upon returning after successfully arresting a cat burglar with several of their new agents, he discovered that Reese had been replaced.

Initially, Reese believed Peter was going to be promoted, but he was wrong. A new ASAC was brought in and Reese tried to fight for his position once he realized Peter wasn’t going to be leading the White Collar division. Had Peter gotten the ASAC position, he would’ve been absolutely fine with it. Peter was his second in command for a reason and he trusted that Peter would lead their division properly.

When he realized who was taking over, he was infuriated.

Phillip Kramer, Peter’s former mentor and the agent in charge of DC’s Art Crimes unit, was taking over White Collar. He remembered the last time Kramer had been with their division. Peter informed him of how homophobic Kramer was as well as how he’d ridiculed the hell out of Neal. Reese didn’t understand how putting this man in charge of White Collar would do any good. He was an expert when it came to the arts, but White Collar was diverse. In Reese’s opinion, Peter would have been the better choice. Putting an Art Crimes agent into White Collar was the worst idea the FBI ever had as far as Reese was concerned.

When Peter went home after Kramer arrived and began ordering him and his agents around, Peter was stressed out. He went home and had very little patience for his children as well as his husband. Nicky and Neal both realized this and they tried to keep everything calm and quiet. Neal had been shocked into silence when he’d accidentally dropped a bowl that he was carrying out for one of the twins because Peter flipped the hell out on him. Neal cleaned up the mess and took a portion of his own dinner, shifting it into a bowl so the toddler wouldn’t have to starve, but Neal really didn’t appreciate Peter yelling at him with all three children within hearing range. He almost punched Peter when Peter snapped at the toddlers for crying after he’d yelled at Neal, but he managed to hold himself back and demanded that Peter go up to their bedroom and stay in there until he calmed down.

Needless to say, Peter was happy to do that, but he realized how awful he’d been to his family. They hadn’t done anything wrong. He was just fed up with Kramer bossing him around. He had absolutely no time to work on his caseload and he kept pushing it off onto Diana and Jones because Kramer kept asking him to do other things. Diana and Jones were both wonderful and did his casework for him, but he felt horrible. Upon realizing he’d brought his horrible feelings home with him, he couldn’t imagine how he’d made his husband and children feel. The kids wouldn’t understand and Neal… Neal wouldn’t either, but he knew it was work-related and he was upset with Peter for not leaving his attitude at work.

That was a conversation he wasn’t looking forward to having with his husband. He wanted to apologize to Neal as well as the kids. They didn’t deserve his anger and he hoped they knew he wasn’t angry with them specifically.

After twenty minutes, he decided to go back downstairs so he could eat dinner with his family. They were sitting in the dining room and eating quietly, but Peter could hear the sniffles from Nicky and the toddlers. “It’s okay,” Neal whispered to them. “Poppa’s not mad at any of you. He’s just in a bad mood.” Well, at least Neal did understand that it wasn’t their fault.

“Why did he yell at you?” Nicky asked miserably.

Neal sighed. “He had a hard day at work today. Unfortunately, poppa came home unhappy and angry because of work. I did something stupid and that was all it took to make him snap.” Peter’s heart ached as he listened to Neal speak to their son. “He loves all of us and he didn’t mean to yell at us, Nicky. He’ll be fine later.”

“I hope he stays up there,” Nicky said angrily. Neal made an exasperated sound and Nicky added, “He yelled at them for crying. They were crying because he was yelling at you. There’s no excuse for that.”

“Nicky, listen to—”

“He yelled at his almost-two year old twins,” Nicky snapped, “for crying. Don’t make excuses for him. He was being a jerk for whatever reason. I don’t want him down here.”

Peter wanted to cry because he hurt his son. He hadn’t even yelled at Nicky, but Nicky was very sensitive to the way his siblings and daddy were treated. “Do you realize he’s in the other room and he just heard every word you said?” Peter’s eyes widened. He didn’t realize Neal heard him come downstairs. Tentatively, he went into the dining room and he saw how terrified and apologetic Nicky looked at him.

Neal glanced up at Peter when Peter stopped beside him. He tried to stop Nicky because he knew Peter was listening, but Nicky said it all anyway. “He’s not wrong,” Peter admitted. Neal gave him a small smile when Peter carded his fingers through his husband’s hair. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry for yelling at you and for yelling at the twins.” Glancing at Nicky, Peter nodded. “You’re right. I was being a jerk and I’m sorry. Daddy was right when he said I’m not mad at you all. Today was rough and I’m sorry for not leaving my frustration and anger at work.” He looked at Neal again and whispered, “I love you and I hope you still love me.”

“Of course I do,” Neal whispered in response. “We all love you.” Peter focused on Nicky and saw how frantically Nicky was nodding. “I’m sorry that work was hell on you.”

“Nick, I’m not mad at you. I’m not going to yell at you. I was being an ass for no reason.”

Nicky swallowed hard and said, “I love you, poppa.”

Peter managed to smile at his son and said, “I love you, too, buddy.” Leaning over a bit, he kissed the twins foreheads and whispered, “Poppa loves you two very much, too.” He laughed quietly when Joey grabbed his face and gave him a big, opened-mouthed kiss.

“Lo, poppa,” he said, giggling and grinning excitedly up at his poppa.

Peter chuckled because he knew Neal had been working with the twins, trying to teach them how to say ‘I love you.’ “Love my Joey boy,” he said as he gave Joey another kiss. Neal grinned as he watched his husband with the kids. He’d been pissed at Peter earlier for yelling at them, but he’d calmed himself down and knew Peter hadn’t purposely snapped at them. He knows Peter loves them. “Love my Brie baby, too,” he added as he gave her a kiss that she returned. Peter scooted down the side of the table and kissed Nicky’s hair as he whispered, “I love my little buddy so much.” Neal smiled as Nicky whispered his love for his poppa back to him and gave him a hug. Peter knew Nicky was afraid of being yelled at for calling his poppa a jerk. He wanted to reassure his son that he wasn’t going to yell at them anymore.

While Peter was telling his children he loves them, he hadn’t realized that Neal left the table. When he’d turned to look at his husband, guilt hit him hard. He knew he’d hurt Neal’s feelings. The only thing he was grateful for was the fact that he hadn’t made Neal cry. Neal’s an understanding man and he tried to make Nicky understand, but Peter knew Neal was hurt nonetheless.

As Peter began to berate himself, he glanced up and watched Neal walk out of the kitchen with Peter’s dinner. His lips parted when he realized Neal had dished it out before. Neal obviously expected him to calm down and join them for dinner. “Sit down, my love,” Neal said softly as he set Peter’s plate down on the table.

Before Neal had the chance to take his seat again, Peter darted over to him and wrapped his arms around him. Neal laughed softly and then Peter kissed him fiercely. When they parted, Neal was breathless and smiling at his husband. “I love my baby boy,” he whispered, hoping Nicky hadn’t heard him. He couldn’t remember if he’d ever called Neal that in front of Nicky, but Neal referred to Nicky as his baby boy because he _is_ Neal’s baby boy.

“I love my teddy bear,” Neal said quietly. “Eat your dinner, babe.” He rubbed Peter’s back and smiled when Peter kissed his cheek. He peppered kisses all over Neal’s face and it made Neal laugh a little. “Okay, okay,” he said in between laughs. “Later, lover.”

Peter was slightly relieved by that. Neal still wanted to be intimate with him even though he felt like he definitely didn’t deserve Neal tonight. He knew he’d need to talk to Neal about Kramer later, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to mention that Neal had once been jealous of the man. They both figured he was a closeted homosexual who had an interest in Peter and Peter worried that Kramer would take advantage of Neal not being around anymore. He could also look into why Neal wasn’t working within the bureau and Peter didn’t want Kramer to criticize his husband again.

As he was eating quietly with his family, he thought back to when Kramer had been working with them on a case. He remembered how much Neal had been hurt by him and he never wanted Neal to go through that again. While things had ended decently, Peter didn’t want to hear Kramer say terrible things about Neal’s memory loss. It wasn’t Neal’s fault. His brain had been damaged by Rachel and it was obvious that he had absolutely no control over the situation when it happened.

No matter what Kramer said, Peter would defend his husband.

•◊•

Kramer walked into Peter’s office the following morning without asking if Peter were busy. Peter was emailing his husband since Neal emailed him first to ask how things were going. Up to this point, everything had gone well and he was about to ask Neal out to lunch until Kramer came in and interrupted him mid-reply. “Agent Burke.” Day two of Kramer’s tyranny and Peter hated it as much as he’d hated the day before. “I have a quick question pertaining to your former partner.” Peter sighed and nodded. “Was I right when I told you he was only with you because of your rank?”

Peter gave him an incredulous look and shook his head vehemently. “Did you not read his medical file?” Kramer’s brows furrowed and Peter forced a mirthless laugh. “My husband was taken by Rachel Turner, an MI-five agent gone rogue. While he was her captive, she damaged his brain. He lost his memories, which means he lost his training from Quantico.” Kramer looked surprised by that and Peter wondered how this man was supposed to lead them if he couldn’t get his facts straight. “If you look at his medical file, his brain scans are there.”

“I didn’t realize that. I thought…”

“I know what you thought,” Peter said firmly. “My husband is a faithful man. We’re rebuilding his life, but he can’t work for the FBI. If he chooses to retrain himself, that will be his decision, but he can’t work for the bureau right now.”

Kramer shook his head and Peter bristled slightly at that, thinking Kramer was going to criticize his husband. “What a waste,” he said solemnly. “He was actually a decent agent and I would have loved to have him work in the Art Crimes division.”

Peter laughed. “Neal wouldn’t work for you. He didn’t take your offer the last ten times you asked him.” The older man raised an eyebrow and Peter continued, figuring he was digging his own professional grave. “After the way you treated him, he would never work for you. You put him down because he was raped and you criticized him as an agent. You questioned his ability to work for us, yet you expected him to willingly join you in DC immediately.” Peter shook his head and laughed again. “Neal would never work for you. If he did, I would convince him that it was a toxic environment for him considering you seem to have this strong belief that men can’t be raped, that he’s a weak man because of his rape, and that his casework and Quantico record didn’t give him the right to work for us.” Peter considered himself finished there, but he felt the need to add, “Oh, I almost forgot! You also accused him of whoring himself out to agents in OPR so he could get a promotion and _then_ proceeded to insinuate that he was doing the same to me while simultaneously inferring that I’m a fool for loving him.”

“I apologize.”

“You made my husband suffer. Anyone who hurts him doesn’t deserve my respect.” Kramer looked like he really didn’t appreciate everything Peter was saying, but he would never dream of booting Peter from the White Collar division. Since the days in which he’d mentored Peter, he was very impressed with Peter. If anything, he’d like to have Peter higher up in the chain and working in DC. “I understand that you were sent to replace Hughes. And, though I don’t agree with it, I hope you’ll be professional instead of digging into your agents’ personal lives.”

Kramer shook his head. “I’m the ASAC now, Peter. If I question an agent’s personal life, it’s relevant and I expect answers. Neither you nor any other agent in this division will change my policy of guilty until proven innocent.” Peter tensed at that and assumed Kramer was going to do something that would hurt Neal in some way. “You aren’t in command of this division, Peter. I am. If you don’t agree with my methods, you’re more than welcome to withdraw from your position at anytime.”

Peter’s jaw tensed as he nodded. “Don’t you dare bring my husband into this ever again,” he snarled. “He’s no longer working for the FBI. His life is his own. He’s just my husband now.”

The older man wondered if Peter was hiding something. Neal admitted before that he had connections to criminals. Perhaps Hughes and Peter knew about some crime he’d committed and asked him to pretend he’d lost his memory so they could give him a legitimate reason to not work for the bureau any longer. “I’ll leave you to your casework then,” he said as he left Peter’s office and returned to his own.

Sighing in frustration, Peter turned back to his computer and backspaced everything he’d written so he could compose a different message. “Honey, I desperately need to have lunch with you—at home.”

After a few minutes, Neal wrote him back. “ _Give me half an hour to put the twins down for their nap and then I’m all yours, Mister Burke._ ” He added a heart after that and it made Peter smile.

He wrote back, “All right. I’ll see you soon. I love you, Mister Burke.”

For the time being, he’d get some more work done. While Neal was busy with their children, Peter figured he could be busy with his casework now that he’d finally gotten to it.

The next time Peter looked at the clock, he realized it’d been half an hour. It would take him ten to fifteen minutes to get home and he knew Neal understood what it was that he’d implied in innocent terminology just in case anyone were to observe his emails between the two of them. ‘Lunch at home’ was now his way of asking Neal if they could make love during his lunch break and Neal was thrilled with that new arrangement. As far as anyone else was concerned, he was just going home to eat lunch with his husband.

As he stood up and reached for his jacket, he happened to glance up when he heard a commotion. His jaw dropped when he realized Neal was being led through the bullpen—in handcuffs. Peter didn’t understand why his husband was brought in, let alone why he was in handcuffs and being escorted to the interrogation room like a criminal. “I want to speak to Agent Burke,” he heard Neal say frantically.

“I’m afraid we can’t let you.”

Peter’s eyes widened as he darted out of his office. “Peter,” he heard just as Neal was led out of his line of sight. He glanced at the voice who’d called his name and his blood boiled intensely. “I’m going to ask that you stay in your office for the time being.”

“Why is he here? Why is he in cuffs? Why is he being questioned?” Peter asked angrily. “My husband has done nothing wrong. He was brought here against his will and—”

“If he’s done nothing wrong, then you shouldn’t mind me asking him some questions.”

Peter bristled and snapped, “Fine, but I’m going to be his legal representative. I request to be present to ensure that his mental and emotional well-being is preserved.” Kramer wanted to fight Peter on that, but he waved it off and motioned for Peter to follow him.

As they were walking along the panels, he glanced into the interrogation room and he could see that Neal was frightened and confused. He also saw that there was a polygraph. Considering Neal’s confusion and fear, Peter knew this wasn’t going to end well unless he calmed Neal down enough so he could perform the polygraph accurately—not that he wanted his husband using a polygraph. He didn’t know what Kramer’s game was, but he wanted to make sure his husband wasn’t hurt.

When they entered the room, Neal spun around and looked at Peter. “Peter, what’s going on?” he whispered when Peter stood behind him and rested his hands on Neal’s shoulders. Peter didn’t answer because he had no idea. He just rubbed his husband’s shoulders and neck gently, hoping he could relax his tense husband.

“All right, Neal,” Kramer said, drawing Neal’s attention back to him. “I’m going to ask you some questions. This machine here… Do you know what it is?”

“It’s a polygraph,” he answered. Kramer raised an eyebrow at him, but he nodded. “You’re questioning me and using it to see if I’m lying to you.” He glanced up at Peter and realized Peter didn’t agree to this. Neal was upset because he left his twins with an agent he didn’t know nor trust. “I don’t understand why I’m being questioned. You took me out of my home. You made me leave my two toddlers home.”

Peter’s eyes widened when he realized that. “They’re being taken care of,” Kramer assured him. While Kramer was setting the polygraph up, Peter shot Diana a text and asked her to go to his home and make sure the twins were safe, to which she instantly said she’d do for him. “To start, I’d like you to tell me something true.”

Neal didn’t like this, but he’d calmed himself down when he realized he was being analyzed like this. “My name is Neal,” he said.

The three of them watched the polygraph and Kramer nodded. “Now tell me a lie.”

“I don’t love Peter.”

Peter was relieved when he saw that Neal’s reaction had been typical to that of a lie. “There. We have a baseline now.” He took a seat across from Neal and said, “Peter, I would appreciate it if you removed your hands from his body.” Tentatively, Peter did as he was asked and pulled a chair closer to Neal so he could sit beside his husband. To spite Kramer and keep his husband relaxed, he rested his hand on Neal’s thigh beneath the table. He didn’t move his hand. He just rested it on Neal to remind Neal that he’s not alone. “Neal, is Peter your husband?”

“Yes.”

Kramer nodded and Peter noticed Kramer’s disappointment and that unnerved him. “Did you lose your memory?”

Neal’s brows furrowed as he said, “Yes.”

“What’s the first thing you recall after losing your memory?”

“I questioned Rachel Turner and she thought I was being deceptive when I asked about who I am and where I was. She proceeded to bring in a muscle man that beat me.”

Peter watched the polygraph. He didn’t think Neal was lying about his memory loss, but he could see that Kramer sincerely doubted Neal. “When you worked for the FBI, were you a criminal consultant?”

“No. I was a Special Agent like my husband.”

Neal didn’t understand this man’s line of questioning. “Have you committed a crime since you lost your memory?”

“Unless you count being forced into prostitution for Rachel’s entertainment, no.” Peter’s hand tightened on Neal’s thigh and Neal glanced at his husband for a split second before losing his hostile tone. “No. I haven’t committed a crime since losing my memory.”

“Did you or did you not sleep with agents in OPR to get a placement into this division?”

Neal’s brows furrowed and he looked lost. Peter interrupted and said, “Neal doesn’t remember that point in—”

“Then I’ll make him,” Kramer said firmly, keeping his eyes on Neal. He kept thinking Neal’s confusion was a façade and he was determined to destroy Neal in any way that he could. “Think, Neal. Think about Agent Garrett Fowler. He was the man you were in a relationship with while working in DC.” Neal was trying to remember the man he was referring to, but he was coming up blank. “Think about the office you worked in while in DC. Think about all of the men you slept with while you were part of OPR.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Neal asked exasperatedly. He glanced at Peter for help, but Peter knew he couldn’t interfere. “I don’t know who this man is or—”

Kramer slammed a picture of Fowler down onto the table and Neal stared at it before a tidal wave of memories hit him. He remembered having very brutal sex with this man. He remembered being hit and shoved around in a house he didn’t recognize. He remembered being restrained in a closet while watching this man go through his belongings. “Ah. He does remember.”

Peter stared at his husband concernedly as his breathing accelerated. Neal didn’t like the memories he had after looking at the man’s picture, but he was determined to search this line of memories so he could answer the question. “I did not sleep with agents in that section to get here,” he finally said. “I slept with Agent Fowler and he also abused me throughout our relationship.” Peter rubbed Neal’s thigh gently and Neal felt awful. He could remember feeling very strongly about that man despite everything that’d been done to him and that furthered his belief that he was a weak man before losing his memory. “I had no sexual relationships with other agents.”

Kramer made a sound akin to a growl when he realized Neal was telling the truth. “How did you get your job here at White Collar?”

Neal was stuck in his past as he tried to recall the parts this man was asking him about. “Agent Hughes contacted me via email—my FBI email account—and asked if I would be interested in working for the White Collar division in New York City.”

Kramer raised an eyebrow. “I intend on checking that record before Hughes’ account is terminated.” He glanced at the wall where the see-through panels were and Peter knew someone was out there and was sent to look into the emails between Neal and Hughes prior to working in New York.

The questioning eventually developed into Kramer questioning Peter and Neal’s sexual relationship and hadn’t realized that their sexual relationship didn’t start immediately, but instead had begun a few months into their relationship. Peter wanted to stop Kramer as the questions became more personal between him and Neal, but Neal was answering honestly and Peter was happy to see how frustrated Kramer was because of that. Whatever Neal didn’t know, he tried very hard to remember. His voice even changed a little and he sounded as if he were on autopilot while answering these questions.

Kramer questioned Neal about his son, asking about his conception, birth, and the events leading him to Quantico and the White Collar division based on a timeline of Nicky’s life. He explained that Nicky had been very young when he’d gotten himself into college, when he was going through Quantico, and when he joined the White Collar division. He was very upfront and honest the whole time.

Peter had to have Diana pick Nicky up from school because, no matter how honest Neal was, Kramer wasn’t satisfied. Eventually, Peter asked if Neal was being charged for some crime, to which Kramer admitted there wasn’t a crime he was accusing Neal of. After that, the whole thing fell apart and Neal barely managed to keep Peter from getting into a physical fight with Kramer. Peter almost hit Neal for pulling him away from Kramer, but he calmed himself down and said he and Neal were going home. Kramer tried to argue that Peter was still on the clock and Peter’s response was: “Fuck the clock and fuck _you._ ”

Neal drove them home because Peter was furious and he listened to Peter rant until they got home. He understood why his husband was upset and he agreed with everything Peter said. He considered telling Peter he remembered who Kramer was during the questioning, but he figured talking about it right now would just upset Peter more.

The second they’d gotten home, Peter bitched at Kramer’s agents who were near their children and demanded that they all leave immediately. Diana was there and Peter thanked her before allowing her to leave as well. Nicky had been with his siblings because he didn’t want anything to happen to them. He knew his Aunt Diana would protect them, but he felt responsible for the twins as their older brother. Now that their fathers were home, everyone was relieved.

They went about their daily routine and then, before they knew it, Neal and Peter were tucking their children in for the night and heading to their bedroom. “Are you…feeling up to anything tonight?” Neal asked cautiously as he shut their bedroom door.

“As much as I’d love to make love to you, I’m still so pissed off and the last thing I want to do is cause you an unbearable amount of pain.” Neal nodded, watching Peter strip down to his briefs and sigh quietly as he sat on the end of the bed. “I love you and I’m sorry for today. I didn’t know he was going to do that to you until I saw you come in.” Neal stripped down to his lingerie and stood in front of his husband, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulders. Peter glanced at Neal’s left wrist and gasped. “They hurt you?” Neal frowned as Peter grabbed Neal’s hands and shifted them so he could look at Neal’s bruised wrists. “Honey…”

“It’s all right. I was scared and I resisted at first, so I hurt myself.”

Peter shook his head angrily. “They were rough with you and that was uncalled for.” He gently kissed Neal’s wrists before letting Neal press his palm against the side of his face. Peter leaned into Neal’s palm and closed his eyes as Neal’s thumb slid over his lips.

“Today’s over. Let’s put it behind us.”

“I can’t,” Peter whispered. “He… He’s hurt you before and it was awful then.” Neal remembered and he didn’t react to it. He had no intention of letting Kramer get to him. He had nothing to hide. “I’m not going to let him hurt you anymore.”

Neal sighed and saw how tense Peter’s back was. “My love, lie down on your stomach.” Peter opened his eyes and looked up at Neal curiously. “Please?” Sighing quietly, Peter nodded and did as his husband asked, shifting up a little ways on the bed and flipping over to lie on his stomach. He trusts Neal, so he really had no problem with this.

Neal shifted to straddle Peter’s waist and gently began to massage his husband’s back and shoulders, attempting to soothe the tension he could see very clearly. While Neal’s hands were truly working wonders for his tense muscles, Peter couldn’t help the fact that his mind was drawn to Neal’s erection near his ass. Neal wasn’t doing anything sexual and Peter was okay with that. He honestly didn’t want to hurt Neal and Neal understood that.

Peter moaned when Neal massaged a kink out of his shoulder blade and Neal smiled a little to himself. “Hon, can I ask you something stupid?”

“Nothing you ask me is stupid,” Neal whispered. “I value every word that comes out of your mouth.”

The older man was slightly nervous as he considered his question while Neal was massaging him. “What would you think if I asked you to penetrate me someday?” Neal hesitated and Peter wasn’t sure how to take that.

“You’d let me?”

Peter was surprised by that response and answered, “Do you…want to?”

Neal leaned forward and pressed gentle kisses against his husband’s neck and shoulders. “I wouldn’t mind. Have you ever done it like that before?”

“No,” Peter admitted. “If I were to allow anyone inside of my body, it would only be you because I trust you.” Neal smiled a little before sitting up to continue massaging Peter’s back. “I’m afraid of it, but I’m not afraid of you. I honestly want to know how it feels.”

“It feels good when you’re inside me,” Neal whispered. “If you’re not afraid of what you’ll feel someday, I hope I’ll be as good for you as you are for me.”

Peter swallowed before asking Neal, “Can you grind yourself against my ass?” Neal raised an eyebrow even though he knew Peter couldn’t see his face. “I’ve felt you against my front. I want to feel you against my back.”

After hesitating, Neal shifted and moved into a position that allowed him to rub himself against Peter the way he assumed Peter wanted him to. He planted his hands beside Peter’s body and grinded against him as if he were grinding into Peter as Peter did the same to him. He listened to Peter’s sounds curiously and could hear how afraid he was after nearly a minute, so he stopped. “Peter?” he whispered concernedly. Peter was trying to get his breathing under control and Neal thought about the issue. “Is your back feeling better?” Peter nodded silently. “Flip over and look at me.”

Peter did as Neal asked and felt a little more comfortable now that he was looking up at Neal’s face. “You’re beautiful.”

“As are you,” Neal said softly. “I think the problem was that you’ve always looked at me while making love with me. If we ever switch positions, I want you to know I’m not going to let you turn yourself away from me.” Peter reached up and carded his fingers through Neal’s hair. “Maybe it’ll be easier if you’re looking at me. You said you aren’t afraid of me, but you weren’t looking at me. You calmed down almost immediately when you turned over.”

“I guess I didn’t consider that.”

Neal chuckled and nodded. “You’ve always made me feel loved by making love to me this way. I want you to feel loved by me.”He leaned forward and gently captured his husband’s lips, kissing him tenderly until they needed to part long enough to breathe. “I’m not against making love to you, but I want to make sure I convey my love for you the way you do for me. I want you to be as comfortable as you make me.” He pecked Peter’s lips a few times before whispering, “I’ll do whatever I can to make it good for you, Peter. I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you though.” Peter looked horrified for a moment and Neal shook his head, whispering, “I’m not going to abuse your body. You’ve never had another man inside of you. You’re an anal virgin. The way you treated me in Paris is exactly how I’ll treat you when I take that virginity from you.”

Talking to Neal about this and listening to him talk this way actually made Peter feel more at ease. But this was why he enjoyed being a good lover for Neal. If he were good to Neal, Neal would be inclined to reciprocate. “I’m not looking forward to the pain,” he admitted.

“Understandable,” Neal whispered, “but it goes away eventually. It definitely hurts the first time, but we’ll take it very easy because you’re a literal anal virgin.” Peter chuckled. He was actually getting hard every time Neal said that. “I’m used to the penetration and the pain doesn’t really get to me. For your first time and probably several times thereafter, we’ll take it nice and slow to get you adjusted to the feeling.”

Peter shivered as he bent his legs at Neal’s sides. He really loved how sweetly Neal was talking to him. “Thank you,” Peter said softly. “I’ve been afraid to bring it up because…because you were extremely opposed to it when I brought it up once before.”

Neal rubbed his nose against Peter’s for a moment before whispering, “I’m stronger now.”

“You’ve always been strong.”

“Not this strong,” Neal said. “I was a survivor, but I let every little thing bring me down and destroy me.” He stared into Peter’s eyes as he said, “I’m not letting my past control my present and my future anymore.”

Peter kissed his husband passionately. Initially, Peter didn’t feel up to doing anything sexual, but that’d changed when Neal was considerably sweet to him. He was turned on by the softness and sincerity of Neal’s words. While he wasn’t ready to let Neal take him just yet, Neal always welcomed Peter to take him. He paid attention to everything Neal did and tried to consider how he’d react when Neal was inside of him someday.

At least now he knew how Neal felt about it. He was very grateful to have Neal as his husband after listening to how lovingly Neal would take him someday. He genuinely trusts Neal and knew Neal would do everything he possibly could to make the experience wonderful for him.

While holding Neal against him after making love to him, he kissed Neal’s forehead and was sincerely thankful for the man beside him. He wouldn’t dream about doing any of this with anyone else. Everything he ever did for the first time had to be with Neal—and it was a wonderful feeling, knowing Neal would take care of him and love him the way he has _always_ loved Neal.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kramer gets served; Neal and Peter enjoy their time together during Peter's lunch hour...at work.

“ _Suit!_ ”

“What?” Peter responded exasperatedly. It was the middle of the night and Mozzie had come over as soon as he found out Neal had been taken into the bureau for an impromptu and unlawful interrogation.

Mozzie was furious as he said, “I’ve always been Neal’s lawyer. Why wasn’t I called? We could have prevented _everything_ he had to answer!” Neal was biting his lip because he felt terrible. It was three in the morning and he’d texted Mozzie before heading to bed with Peter. Since they’d had a conversation of their own and proceeded to make love and fall asleep right after, Neal had neither seen nor responded to Mozzie’s outraged text message. “First of all, you should have asked about what he was ‘being charged’ with. As his legal representation, you did a very poor job of helping your client.”

Peter snapped, “I was too pissed off to go through the proper God damn protocol, Mozzie. That asshole sent agents to our home, forcefully arrested him, left our twins with agents he and I have never met, and had a polygraph!” Neal flinched because he was sitting right beside Peter when the older man raised his voice. “I was getting ready to go home to my husband for lunch. I didn’t think I’d—”

“Did you think _at all?_ ” Mozzie accused.

Neal shut his eyes tightly as he listened to them argue back and forth. He wanted to throw his two cents in, but the last thing he wanted to do was take a side between the two of them. Undoubtedly, he would be on Peter’s side because he understands his husband. While Mozzie was right about the fact that the interrogation was illegal, Neal understood that Peter wanted to know _why_ Kramer felt compelled to bring Neal in. Neal definitely didn’t mind the fact that he hadn’t remembered any pieces of that relationship, but he’d, unfortunately, recovered bits and pieces of it. He wasn’t going to look into his past relationships because he had no reason to dwell on them. He’s a happily married man who looked forward to spending the rest of his days with his husband.

“Don’t you dare tell me I don’t love him!” Neal’s eyes flew open as soon as he heard his husband say those words. He’d apparently lost himself in thought and tuned them out for a few moments. Rather than remaining seated on the couch, Peter and Mozzie were both standing and nearly at each other’s throats. “I would do anything and everything for him,” Peter growled. “I’m not a lawyer. I’m an FBI agent. I’m not sorry that I wanted to be with him more than anything rather than abandoning him and leaving him to deal with everything on his own.” Neal stared up at his husband concernedly, his lips parted. “I have been here for him from the beginning. As a matter of fact, he told _me_ everything well before he told you. He trusts me to take care of him.”

“If you truly loved him, you wouldn’t have allowed Kramer to interrogate him. He was forced to recall memories he probably didn’t want. He—”

“So you’re saying it’s okay that he remembers so much about being raped, but it’s a tragedy that he remembers a past relationship?” Peter snarled. “He remembers more about being raped as a teenager than he does about his past relationships. I’ve been here for him when he’s had memories in his nightmares.” Neal blinked back tears as he kept his eyes on his husband. He knew how much Peter was hurting just by listening to his voice. “I have been here for him every time he came home after some kidnapping or a rape. You’re not the one who shares his bed. I hold him when he’s scared. I tell him everything’s going to be okay when he probably doesn’t even believe me.” Sighing shakily, Peter whispered, “I wish you knew just how much I had to watch him suffer. I could have left him because it hurts so much to see him in pain, but I never once considered walking away. I love him more than anything and I wish he never had to remember all of the pain he went through.”

Neal leaned forward and grabbed Peter’s hand. He was relieved when Peter rubbed his thumb over his skin. “I love you,” he whispered to reassure Peter that he felt the same way and that he was grateful for everything Peter’s done for him over the years.

Peter bowed his head and squeezed Neal’s hand tightly in the silence. Neal’s eyes never left Peter’s face because he could just feel Peter’s pain as though it were his own. Exhaling heavily, Peter whispered, “Don’t you ever tell me I don’t love him again. I have seen him in every possible situation. I would never dream of walking away from him, Mozzie, and I’m sorry for not thinking properly before Kramer interrogated him. I regret not doing what I should have done as an FBI agent as well as his husband.”

Mozzie watched them intently. He believed everything Peter just said to him. There was no doubt in his mind that Peter loved Neal and he felt awful for suggesting that Peter doesn’t love Neal because he hadn’t done the right thing when Neal was interrogated. He knew Peter had gone through hell and back alongside Neal and Peter never once said he wanted to leave by his own choice. His love for Neal was undying, but he’d always say that he would leave if Neal fell out of love with him. Ultimately, Peter left the decision up to Neal every time. He would always love Neal even if Neal didn’t love him anymore, but he respects Neal and loves him enough to let him go if Neal wanted to end their marriage.

While he hadn’t been around when Neal and Peter struggled to start their relationship again, Mozzie knew Peter was prepared to let Neal go if Neal didn’t love him anymore. Neal admitted that to Mozzie and Mozzie truly respected Peter. If he truly loves Neal, he would let Neal go. Peter never wanted to control Neal or keep him a captive in their own home. Staying together was a decision they both made together. Proposing to Neal was Peter’s choice, but accepting the proposal was Neal’s. Together, they decided to advance in their relationship and get married. Through all of the issues they’ve had and Neal’s memory loss, neither of them wanted to leave the other.

“Peter,” Neal said softly, waiting until Peter finally looked at him. He could see the regret and apology in Peter’s eyes, but he didn’t hold what Kramer did against him. Mozzie was absolutely correct when he said Peter should’ve challenged Kramer, but Peter wanted to understand Kramer’s obsession with Neal—with destroying Neal. “I love you.” He loved telling Peter that and he knew Peter loved hearing it. Sometimes, Peter really needed to hear it. This was one of those times.

At first, Peter didn’t say anything. He just stared at Neal’s face silently and Neal accepted that. Neal was surprised when Peter moved abruptly and sank to his knees in front of Neal, hugging him tightly. “I love you so much,” he whispered against Neal’s neck. “I always have and I always will…”

•◊•

Peter glanced up from his work around noon. He knew Mozzie had been working with Neal because Neal had been falsely arrested among other things. Mozzie had every intention of pushing for charges against Kramer.

As he expected, Peter watched Neal and Mozzie enter the bureau. Neal hadn’t worn a suit in quite some time and it took Peter’s breath away. He loved seeing Neal dressed like that.

Kramer saw the two come into bureau and he immediately stepped out of his office as Peter did the same. Peter was supporting Neal wholeheartedly and he had proof that Kramer even went so far as to fabricate reasons for the arrest. The interrogation room recorded that Kramer wasn’t arresting Neal or charging him with anything, so that also worked in their favor. “Can I help you?”

“Dante Haversham,” Mozzie introduced himself. Glancing at Peter he said, “I’m the Burkes’ _legal_ legal representation.” Focusing on Kramer again, he added, “My client is pressing charges against you for a false arrest and unlawful detainment.”

“I had an arrest warrant,” Kramer said in response.

Peter stepped forward and added, “The arrest warrant was a fabrication.” Kramer stared at Peter. He wasn’t expecting Peter to join this legal challenge, but he should have assumed the Burkes had a lawyer to use for legal retaliation. “You copied charges administered to James Crawford three months ago and used it to arrest my husband. Arresting him wrongly was bad enough, but you charged him with crimes he never committed and you admitted in our interrogation room that there were no official charges being administered to my husband. On top of arresting him, you brought him in and detained him in our interrogation room unlawfully.”

Neal was quiet as he let Mozzie and Peter take care of the situation. Peter had friends in high places that allowed him to look into gathering evidence of a paper trail. Fortunately, there had been something and a cross reference of arrest warrants showed that Kramer copied another man’s criminal charges word for word.

“As an aside, you also violated my client’s Civil Rights. Under section nineteen-eighty-three of the Constitution, you violated his home by unlawfully searching it _as_ he was being falsely arrested.”

“He resisted arrest. It was just.”

“I demanded that—”

Mozzie interrupted Neal. He didn’t want Neal making any statements just yet. All of this would come out in due time if they went to court. “My client demanded that your agents provide reasons for his arrest. After speaking to my client in depth, your agents also violated his Miranda Rights.” Kramer damned his agents for not reading the arrest warrant to provide Neal with the false allegations being pressed against him and used as the reasoning for his arrest. “He was not told his rights nor was he allowed to call for a lawyer. His resistance to his arrest was just, considering no one administered charges or recited his rights to him. Agent Burke was his legal representation within the bureau and my client wasn’t allowed to speak to Agent Burke until you _hesitantly_ allowed Agent Burke to join you in the interrogation room.” Mozzie held out a folder towards Kramer and said, “My contact information as well as the charges my client is pressing against you and his reasoning—along with the evidence of fabrication and malicious intent in the interrogation room provided by Agent Burke—is included.” Mozzie was going to leave it at that, but he added, “I apologize. I left one thing out. We’re also pushing a lawsuit for civil damage to my client.” Kramer looked incredulous, so Mozzie elaborated. “My client was falsely arrested within his home. He was humiliated as you led him through the bureau like a criminal and it may have damaged his reputation as well since witnesses watched your agents violently bring him in. Physical harm came to my client when he was arrested and forcefully dragged along by your agents. My client can and will identify the agents in question and this particular lawsuit will be held against them.”

Kramer flipped the folder open and looked through it incredulously. He wasn’t expecting Neal to have a lawyer this good. Every charge was listed perfectly and Kramer knew he was guilty of each and every one of them. “You’re just doing this for money, aren’t you?”

“I’m doing this because my rights were violated. I don’t need your money. I’m taking this seriously because everything you did to me was illegal.”

Turning to look at Peter, he growled, “Your husband didn’t ask me to stop at any point nor did he say any of it was illegal.”

Neal’s jaw tensed and Peter could see it as clear as day. “My husband had a lapse of judgment. He was my legal representation and everything I answered was honest. However, my lawyer and I are still pressing charges against you. Peter will testify against you—as will several other agents, I’m sure.”

“You don’t owe this man answers,” Mozzie reminded his best friend. Neal nodded silently in response and Mozzie focused on Kramer, adding, “We’ll see you in court, Agent Kramer.”

Peter held his hand out towards Neal when Neal approached him. They were going to go out for lunch together, but Kramer was pissed at both of them and their lawyer. “Burke.” Both men turned towards Kramer and Kramer noticed that ‘Dante’ was watching silently. The more he was given to work with, the harder the charges would be against Kramer—as if they weren’t bad enough already. “I’d like you to work through your lunch.”

Neal glanced up at Peter and had to physically throw himself at Peter so Peter wouldn’t assault Kramer. “Peter, it’s not worth it,” Neal pleaded with him quietly. “He’s not fucking worth losing your job.” Peter was gripping Neal’s arms roughly, but Neal didn’t care. If it kept Peter from attacking his new boss, he could handle a slight amount of pain.

“Fine,” Peter growled. “My husband will just eat lunch with me in the office.” Glancing at Neal, he eased his grip on his husband’s arms when he realized how tightly he was holding him. Neal’s hands were on Peter’s hips and Peter could feel Neal’s fingers digging into him to keep him grounded and keep him from attacking Kramer at the same time. “I’ll order lunch and have it delivered. Does that sound okay, hon?”

“Yes,” Neal whispered. He kept his eyes on Peter as Peter stared back at him. As long as Peter remained calm, he’d agree to whatever Peter wanted to do. Peter didn’t even give Kramer the satisfaction of one last look. He took Neal’s hand and led Neal into his office, shutting the door the second Neal was in his office. “Are you okay?”

Peter shook his head and Neal could see the tension in Peter’s jaw and back as well as how his hands were now balled up into fists as he moved to take a seat at his desk. “We need to get him fired before I get fired,” Peter growled. “Asshole thinks he can tell me to work through my lunch. _Fuck_ him. I’m an adult and the God damn second in command of this division. I’ll do whatever I damn well please during my lunch hour.” Neal took a seat in the chair across from him and he immediately noticed Neal’s slight discomfort. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be discussing him when we’re alone. This is our time.” Neal gave him a small smile and he realized it was more than just discussing Kramer that made Neal uncomfortable. “What’s wrong?” he asked concernedly.

Neal shook his head even as he subconsciously raised his left hand to rub his right bicep. He didn’t realize it even as he said, “Nothing’s wrong.”

Jumping out of his chair, Peter rounded the desk and whispered, “Did I hurt you when I grabbed you?” Neal stared up at him and Peter knew Neal was trying not to upset him more. “Don’t make me ask you to take your jacket and dress shirt off,” he added quietly.

“I’m fine.” Neal felt the anger as it surged through Peter. The older man wasn’t upset with Neal and Neal knew that. “Peter,” he pleaded. “Let’s just order lunch, okay? You can make up for this later.” Peter’s brows furrowed as he calmed down. He was confused by what Neal meant by saying he could ‘make up for this later.’ “If you’re feeling up to it, you can make it up to me by making love to me tonight.”

“I’ll do it right here.” Neal raised an eyebrow. In a way, he kind of liked the idea of making love with Peter in Peter’s office, but the last thing they needed was to be caught by Kramer. “We can make love under my desk right now—skip lunch entirely.”

Neal gave his husband a teasing smile. “How about this?” Peter looked at him curiously. “You sit down in your chair and let me crawl underneath the desk. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get completely undressed in your office, so what do you say to letting me give you a blowjob while you order us some lunch and work on a few things?”

Peter gave his husband a look of disbelief. “I thought I was supposed to be making up for what I did.”

“If you can manage to order lunch and work while I blow you, consider that your way of making it up to me,” he said. Peter damned him and his cute smile. “Consider it my way of testing you, too,” he said with a wink. “Besides, you need something to ease your tension and I really want to taste you.”

Shivering, Peter growled, “Stop being so God damn convincing.” Neal grinned up at him and Peter shook his head. “You’re such a little shit sometimes.”

“But you love me all the same,” Neal said softly.

Neal stood and Peter watched the bullpen as Neal moved around to the other side of the desk and sank down to the floor. Peter turned to glance at his husband and he felt so turned on. “Aside from me,” he teased, “what do you want me to order us for lunch?”

Shrugging, the younger man said, “Get a pizza for all I care.”

Peter chuckled as he moved to take his seat. He watched Neal’s fingers immediately go for his belt. Neal was very quick to unbutton and unzip Peter’s pants and release his erection, immediately sucking him into his mouth. Peter gasped quietly and said, “Pizza it is.” He grabbed his desk phone and dialed the first pizza place that came to mind. While his left hand held the phone, his right fingers were tangled in Neal’s hair as Neal leisurely gave him a blowjob. He managed to make it through ordering a small pizza, asking for it to be delivered to the FBI building, and even called Diana at her desk to ask if she wouldn’t mind meeting the delivery person downstairs in about thirty to forty minutes. He said he was really busy at the moment, but would definitely pay her back the second he wasn’t busy anymore. Fortunately, she agreed without asking questions.

Neal was moaning quietly beneath the desk and Peter had to close his eyes as he attempted to grab a file from the corner of his desk. The humming sound that followed made Peter want to ejaculate in his husband’s mouth immediately—and give him an extreme amount of come to swallow.

“I don’t hear you working,” Neal whispered breathlessly when he pulled away for a moment.

Peter began typing on his computer instead. In all honesty, he couldn’t work and have his husband blow him at the same time. Neal’s warm, wet mouth made him incredibly hard and Neal’s hands on his thighs made him feel a hell of a lot warmer.

Neal was truly testing Peter by taking his sweet time as Peter hit random keys on the keyboard in a Word document. He knew that if he stopped for a second, Neal would probably stop as well. “Baby,” he groaned when Neal used his teeth very tentatively on Peter’s sensitive skin. He moaned and Neal smacked his leg. Glancing at the clock, he realized Neal had been going at this for half an hour. “You’re such a bastard,” he moaned. Neal knew Peter wasn’t being literal or intentionally insulting him and he was having fun teasing Peter like this while making Peter work simultaneously. For a few moments, Peter leaned back and watched his husband suck on him. Neal was being quieter now and Peter was grateful for that in case someone happened to walk in abruptly. He heard the elevator ding and glanced up to see Diana carrying the pizza he’d ordered. “Shit. Neal.”

“Yeah?” Neal murmured, taking a moment to breathe.

“Pizza’s here. Diana’s coming.” He heard Neal laugh and wished he hadn’t told Neal that someone was going to come into the room. “Don’t you fucking—” He couldn’t resist moaning when Neal began to purposely take Peter all the way into his mouth until he managed to get near the back of Neal’s throat. Neal’s gag reflex had surprisingly gotten better as far as Peter was concerned. He wanted so desperately to deepthroat his husband by thrusting at his own pace, but he knew he’d be way too obvious if he did that. As Neal gently bit him, the door opened simultaneously and he glanced at Diana anxiously, knowing he was getting very close to ejaculating.

“Where’d the hubby go?” she asked as she moved closer to the desk.

Peter’s grip on Neal’s hair tightened and he was silently pleading with his body to _not_ release with Diana in the room. “Bathroom,” he said in a rush. He glanced at his computer, knowing he was doomed. Neal slid his tongue around Peter and gently nipped at him again. Letting out a hardly contained gasp and moan, he came—and he came hard.

Diana immediately looked concerned. “Are you okay, boss?”

Peter’s heart was pounding as he felt Neal swallow his come. “I just realized I fucked my report.” He realized he’d worded that improperly and said, “Fucked up. I realized I fucked up my report.” Neal, little shit that he was, kept sucking on him slowly even though he knew Peter was spent and struggling to maintain at least a sliver of composure. “That really blows.” He felt Neal swallow hard and wished he could come again just to give Neal a challenge. “I really hope I didn’t make too much of a mess.”

He knew Neal was grinning. The bastard... “I’m sure it’s not too terrible,” Diana reassured him. Much to Peter’s surprise, Diana moved to come around the desk and he had to quickly open a report and type something while immediately sliding his chair forward, subsequently shoving Neal into the very back of the desk. He had to force a considerably loud cough to cover up the sound of Neal’s head hitting the desk. “What exactly did you do wrong?”

Neal, retaliating for being shoved backwards and having Peter’s dick shoved further into his mouth by surprise, began to suck on Peter again. Peter was trying very hard to avoid another erection. If he managed to get it up again, he felt like the next orgasm would drain him. “I entered the wrong arrest date and a few other slight details.” He kicked his husband in the hopes that Neal would stop since Diana was _right beside him._ Neal, however, took that as his cue to begin sucking on him fervently.

Diana noticed a few other mistakes and pointed them out to him as Neal was managing to get another erection out of him. “These are just tiny mistakes,” Diana teased. “They’re easy to make errors on and it’s not like you officially filed the report and sent it in.”

Peter forced a small, nervous laugh as Neal was quickly bringing him towards a second climax. He kicked Neal again—a little harder than the first time—and Neal proceeded to bite him. “Ah!” he cried out in a slight amount of pain. Diana stared at Peter concernedly again and Peter had to close his eyes for a moment. “You’re absolutely correct. I’m very fortunate to have noticed these mistakes before sending them in. With as much of an asshole as Kramer is, he’d probably burn me at the stake for this.”

The two continued to work on some details and Peter began to sweat. “Peter, are you feeling okay?”

“Yes,” he said firmly. “Why?”

“Your face is red—and you’re sweating. If you’re not feeling well, you can—”

And Neal did it. He made Peter climax a second time after about fifteen minutes and Peter came in a painful rush, letting out a cry. Reaching under the desk quickly, he grabbed Neal’s hair and pushed Neal’s head down a bit. “I’m really trying to not make a mess out of this document. I’m just trying to hold it all together.” He hoped he was conveying his challenge to Neal loud and clear. “I should probably figure out why Neal’s taking so damn long in the bathroom. He’s going to miss out on our lunch unless he wants to hang out with his boring husband at work a little longer.”

Peter kept Neal’s head where it was and Neal wasn’t resisting. This was the first time he’d actually grabbed Neal this way and he honestly expected some resistance from his husband. “All right. I’ll let you get to it then. If you need any more help on this, let me know.”

Peter nodded and waited for her to leave and shut the door before rolling his chair back to look under the desk. “You better not have swallowed.” Neal sat forward a bit and opened his mouth to show Peter that he kept everything in his mouth. “Swallow and get out here.” He watched Neal essentially gulp the load down quickly before crawling out.

Resting on his knees beside Peter, he whispered, “Did I make you mad?” He sounded afraid and Peter sighed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I thought it would be fun for you.”

“I thought kicking you might let you know that it was time to stop.” Neal lowered his gaze to the floor and looked tremendously apologetic. “I’m not mad. I’m just really drained and I didn’t even do anything.”

“I pissed you off and I’m sorry.”

Peter shook his head and framed Neal’s face with his hands, making Neal look at him. “I’m sorry for not being very gentle,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you—physically or emotionally. I’m sorry for shoving you back, for kicking you, and for…for holding you down the way I did.”

Neal sighed. “I actually liked every bit of it,” Neal admitted quietly.

Glancing out into the bullpen for a moment, he checked to make sure no one was watching his office and he leaned forward, kissing his husband. He slid his tongue against Neal’s lips and tasted some of himself on Neal. When he ended the kiss, he said, “Good. I liked it, too. I just feel bad for, you know…”

“You’re very welcome to shoving me down onto your dick.” Peter’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “I was a jackass and kept going when I should’ve stopped.” He rested his hands on Peter’s thighs and whispered, “Besides, I told you to let go of your past worries. I’m not going to freak out if you hold me in place every now and then. It was fun—trying to hold everything in my mouth.”

“I love you, Neal,” Peter said softly. He licked the corner of Neal’s mouth, clearing away the last remnants of his come on Neal’s face.

“I love you, too.” He leaned forward to kiss Peter’s thigh, whispering, “I told you I’m stronger now. You can do whatever you want to me. I love everything you do to me.” He watched Peter readjust himself and his pants before hesitantly getting up and taking his seat quickly. “I don’t mind getting rough or you being a little forceful. In fact, it thrills me.”

Peter shook his head as he opened the pizza box. “I should just call you my thrillseeker.” Neal smirked at him and he watched Neal eat a slice of pizza over the box and smiled. As much as he loved the man Neal had been before, he admittedly really loved the man sitting across from him right now. If Neal honestly didn’t fear him sexually, perhaps he’d learn to let go of these fears entirely someday. He worried that Neal would feel like Peter took advantage of him, but… He just watched Neal eat the pizza as though they hadn’t just had oral sex. Neal seemed like he wasn’t affected by what Peter did.

When Neal glanced at his husband, he caught him staring and whispered, “What?”

Clearing his throat, Peter said, “I really admire you. I admire your strength, your courage, and your ability to…to overcome things that would have hurt you considerably in the past.” Neal smiled at Peter appreciatively. “I don’t know if I’d be able to do everything you’re doing. I’m not as strong as you are.”

“You’re still with me,” Neal whispered. “After enduring me being raped, kidnapped, and tortured to the point where I’ve lost my memory, you are _still_ at my side and love me with all of your heart. Tell me again that you’re not considerably strong and I may just have to punch you.”

Peter chuckled, nodding. “Staying with you wasn’t a choice,” he admitted. Neal’s brows furrowed as he wondered why the hell Peter said that after they just finished complimenting each other. “There has never been a moment where I questioned myself and considered walking away. You gave me opportunities to walk away from this life and I rejected them every time.” He reached across the desk and rested his hand atop Neal’s. “I want to be the man who gives all of his love to you. I used to be afraid of losing you because I was afraid that you’d get into a relationship with an abusive man. I don’t want you to be hurt by a man who’s supposed to love the hell out of you.”

Neal blinked back tears as he whispered, “I’m considerably lucky to have met you.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Peter said quietly. “After everything, you still chose to love me. You could have rejected me and looked for someone more attractive, with a better sense of humor, or with a better sex appeal than me.” He thought Neal’s glare was adorable, but he understood the reaction. “But I don’t want to believe that someone could ever best me in loving you. I put you before so many things, Neal. You’re everything to me. Because of you, I have this life.”

Neal pulled his hand out of Peter’s and Peter looked hurt for a moment before watching Neal drag his chair around the desk, sitting beside him to hug him tightly. He returned the hug and smiled. “No man could ever love me more than you do. You’ve been here for me through so much. You’ve watched me suffer and yet you stayed.” He kissed Peter’s neck gently a few times, whispering, “You’re strong for being able to keep me somewhat sane. You’re strong for being able to stay at my side no matter what. You’re strong for loving me like no one ever can. You’ve made love to my heart and my body, Peter. No one can love me like this or touch me as passionately as you do—physically and otherwise.” Peter closed his eyes and breathed in Neal’s scent. “You’ve touched my life in ways I never imagined before and I’m eternally grateful to call you my beautiful husband.”

They separated and smiled at each other softly. “I’ve been so happy whenever I watched you sign anything because I think the most beautiful thing in my life—aside from you in general—is watching you sign your name with my surname.”

Chuckling, Neal whispered, “Consider it _our_ surname.” Peter grinned at him and nodded. “I’m not letting you go, Peter Michael Burke. I love being Neal George Burke and I love that our children are Burke-children.” Peter lifted his hand to caress Neal’s cheek. “Being a Burke is wonderful. You brought me and our children into a beautiful family.”

“God, Neal. I wish I could tell you just how much I love hearing things like this.”

Neal kissed his husband lovingly before pulling the pizza box closer to them. “You have the rest of our lives to hear those things over and over again.” Smirking, he said, “For the time being, we really need to eat this pizza before it gets colder than it already is.”

“It’s not that cold…”

“Shut up and eat,” Neal said as he laughed quietly, shaking his head.

Even now, while sitting in an office damn near close to the office of a man they both despised, they could see the light in their lives. No matter what happened, they had each other. They’ve always been partners. They’ve always been a team.

No one can change the fact that they’ll _always_ be Burkes. Until their final moments and even beyond that point, they were bound by this family name. No one can take that away from them or make them regret it. No matter how much Kramer pissed them off and interfered in their lives, they have each other to rely on, each other to go to for comfort.

As Peter watched his husband eat his pizza and caught the occasional glance and shy smile from his husband, he knew for certain—though he’d known this the day they met—that nothing and no one could ever tear them apart.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter's relationship is tested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m posting this chapter along with chapter 39 because this chapter is awful. If I were a reader, I’d be really pissed off with how the chapter ends, so… Chapter 39 is going to clear everything up!

Saturday morning, Neal woke himself up and Nicky forced himself to wake up because he knew his father was going to go grocery shopping. Peter was exhausted, so Neal asked if Nicky wouldn’t mind going with him while he let Peter and the twins sleep. He only asked Nicky because Peter would probably kill him for not going to the store with an escort or for going alone. “Jesus. You look so out of it,” Neal teased as he waited for his son to finish coming down the stairs.

“I was up late.” Neal raised an eyebrow when Nicky stopped in front of him. “Trent was texting me. He’s…got some things going on in his life that are upsetting him.”

“Is it something you’re keeping between the two of you?”

Nicky shrugged. “His dad’s been contacting him and it’s upsetting him. He hasn’t seen his dad since the guy went to prison.” Neal looked sympathetic. He didn’t know who Trent’s dad was, but he felt bad either way. “He also skipped town without saying goodbye to Trent. Now he just expects to come right back into his son’s life without a problem.”

Neal rubbed his son’s shoulder, murmuring, “If you’d like to invite him over for a sleepover or see if you can sleepover at his place, I’m sure we could work something out with his mom and stepdad.” Nicky looked up at his dad curiously. “He’s talking to you about his dad. He trusts you and I know better than anyone that being with the person you trust your innermost thoughts and feelings with makes things so much better.” Nicky smiled. He loved that Neal added, “Poppa is my best friend. He’s been at my side through a lot. Maybe you and Trent will have that, too. You’re already best friends.”

“I’ll ask him if he wants to come over. He likes hanging out here because he loves you and poppa.” Neal smiled softly at his son, appreciating that. “If things get serious between me and Trent someday, at least he won’t complain about his in-laws,” he teased.

Laughing quietly, Neal nodded. “Very true.”

They headed out a few minutes later and Nicky really enjoyed watching his dad drive. He wasn’t sure what Neal was capable of at times, but Neal drove as well as he always did and he teased Nicky by speeding a little every now and then. Neither of them knew why they hadn’t been pulled over yet. “I think poppa’s going to teach me how to drive,” Nicky snickered. “Now that I think about it, he taught you how to drive and look at you, speedster.”

“Poppa taught me how to drive?” Neal asked curiously.

“Yeah.” Neal was a bit bewildered by that, wondering how the hell they’d gotten anywhere if he hadn’t been driving when he was in his thirties. “We couldn’t afford a car and you never got your license. We took the subway, the bus, or walked depending on where we were going.” Nicky glanced at his dad and said, “You knew how to drive when you were sixteen, but you weren’t a perfect driver, obviously.”

Neal whispered, “I drove when I was sixteen?”

Nicky swallowed hard, wondering if he said something to upset his dad. He wanted to be open and honest with him about things, but he felt like he was mentioning things Peter didn’t want to talk about with Neal. “You, uh… You stole Vincent’s car so you could get away.” Neal raised an eyebrow and the teenager whispered, “Was I not supposed to talk about that?”

“Oh. No, it’s totally fine. Poppa and I haven’t talked about that though. I can’t remember when I ran away, so I didn’t realize I actually drove myself to New York.” Nicky nodded and reached over to take Neal’s hand in his. “It’s really okay, Nicky. I’m probably not going to remember everything that’s ever happened in my life. In fact, I’m really lucky to be regaining memories at all.”

“Can I ask you about what happened when you lost your memories? Poppa never talked to me about it and I was too afraid to ask if you knew what happened to you.”

Neal squeezed Nicky’s hand. “My brain was damaged very badly somehow. Poppa kept a file related to my brain damage out of my sight, but I found it. I do have severe brain damage, so I guess I’m fortunate to be able to bring back some of my memory.” He rubbed his thumb over Nicky’s skin and added, “Certain things are triggered in my memory when I see or hear something that’s related to the memory.”

Nicky nodded. “Are there still things about my life that you don’t remember?”

Neal frowned and Nicky caught that immediately. He wasn’t trying to hurt his father by any means. He was honestly curious. “Yeah,” he whispered, “but I’m trying to bring them back. You triggered the moment I first saw you when you showed me that painting you did for me. When poppa and I were in Paris, he brought a bunch of your drawings with us and I could kind of remember things when I looked at them. I get bits and pieces back, but I’m honestly sorry that I’ve probably lost some things for good.”

“If I can ever fill in any blanks for you, you can ask me, daddy.”

Smiling, Neal whispered, “I really appreciate that, baby boy.” He squeezed Nicky’s hand again. He did appreciate his son’s offer. He didn’t really know what there was to fill in yet, so he didn’t know what to ask Nicky. Whenever anything came to mind, at least he knew Nicky was willing to talk to him about it. That was really sweet, especially since there were several years that Peter couldn’t really help him recover. He wished Peter had been in his life when Nicky was born. It would have been nice to know he and Peter were together for almost sixteen years—not to say he’s ungrateful for the last six-going-on-seven years Peter has given him.

Upon arriving at the store, Nicky pushed the cart for his dad. Neal knew what foods everyone liked, so he went through the aisles and picked up whatever he wanted that happened to be right there. About twenty minutes into their shopping excursion, Nicky said he needed to use the restroom and Neal told him he’d wait a little ways away from the Men’s Room door.

He pulled his phone out while he was waiting for his son and debated on whether or not he wanted to see if Peter was awake yet. “Neal?” Neal startled and glanced up from his phone to see a man he didn’t recognize approaching him. “Hey, kiddo. How’s it going?”

“Um…” Neal whispered. This man felt familiar, but he just couldn’t place his face with a name.

“Oh. Right. Silly me for forgetting your memories are gone.” Neal’s brows furrowed as he wondered how this man knew about his memory. “If you’d ever like to have some fun, you’re always welcome to join me.”

Neal glared at this man and said, “I’m happily married, so no thank you.”

The man looked slightly surprised as he asked, “You’re still with your husband after what he did to you?” Neal didn’t know what this man was talking about, but he didn’t like whatever it was. “Wow. That takes some serious devotion.”

“What did my husband do?” he asked reluctantly.

“He cheated on you.” Neal tried to refrain from reacting to that. He felt like that was utter bullshit because he knows Peter is better than that and he knows how much Peter loves him. “Of course he’d take advantage of your memory loss and your loss of your job and keep that from you. You should’ve seen it though. If you knew just how bad it was, you wouldn’t want to stay with him.”

Neal shook his head and said, “You have no proof that my husband—”

The man held out a folder and said, “I have proof. He didn’t just cheat on you with one man though.” Neal’s heart began to hurt as he glanced down at the closed folder. He didn’t know who this man was, how he knew about the memory loss, or why he was trying to convince Neal that Peter cheated. “It’s not pretty. I think he was also intoxicated once or twice, so you can imagine where things went…”

“How do you know so much about me and my husband?”

“I’m just looking out for you and I don’t want to see him hurt you.” Neal felt like he should know who this man is, but nothing was coming back to him yet. “My number is in there if you need to contact me for any reason at all.”

Neal tucked the folder into his jacket and glanced towards the bathroom as Nicky was coming back. He turned to face the man again, but the man had vanished. Glancing around, Neal found no sign of him. “What the fuck?” he whispered to himself just before Nicky rejoined him. “All set?” Nicky grinned and nodded, eliciting a quiet chuckle out of his daddy before he led his son around the store again.

•◊•

Neal was able to get a moment to himself a little later in the evening. He stood in the bathroom and stared at the black folder he’d set down on the sink countertop. He didn’t know if he wanted to look at it. Even though he trusts Peter, he was afraid of what he’d find inside of the folder. The man seemed so intent on proving to him that Peter was unfaithful on several occasions and Neal figured that Peter had plenty of time and opportunities to cheat on him. Peter came home considerably late several times…

Inhaling deeply, he touched the folder and debated on whether or not he really wanted to do this to himself. Things between the two of them were fantastic. If this were bullshit, he didn’t want to hurt their relationship. The last thing he wanted to do was see something like the video that’d been sent to the bureau. He didn’t know how Peter still loved him after that and he didn’t want to wrongfully accuse Peter of cheating if this man were meant to look like him and wasn’t truly him.

Exhaling, Neal did it. He opened the folder and found several images with post-it notes on them. His heart clenched, his stomach did a flip, and his eyes began to water as he stared at the first few images right in front of him. There was no mistaking that it was Peter in these pictures. Neal didn’t understand any of this. Peter was in several different intimate situations with various men and women at what looked like bars or some kinds of clubs.

The dates and times matched up with the nights Peter was out late and he just shook his head as he tried to convince himself that Peter wasn’t cheating on him and that Peter hadn’t cheated on him. But these damn pictures were so convincing. Peter was kissing parts of their bodies that pissed Neal off. For most of the images, Peter was fully clothed, but he was definitely being flirty or provocative with these individuals. However, the one that hurt him the most was one in which it was extremely obvious that Peter was in a slight state of undress while his right hand was in this man’s pants—while he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring on his left hand.

Neal’s jaw tensed as his tears slid down his face slowly. He kept staring at that one picture and he was getting increasingly angry the more he thought about what Peter did with that man considering there were a few additional images attached to it that showed Peter entering an apartment building with that man. He’d never worried about things like this when Peter came home to him, but these pictures put a lot into perspective.

When they were working together, they couldn’t have possibly cheated on each other without the other man finding out. They’d be able to track each other, listen to each other via a bug, or find some other means of stalking each other.

Well, Neal isn’t working with Peter anymore.

To Neal, this felt like Peter was taking advantage of the fact that his husband wouldn’t be overseeing anything he did at work. While being stuck at home, Peter was out and about in the city. Neal was so pissed off because all of this was making sense and he could piece together that Peter was going out for some fun on the side. He thought he was good enough for Peter and that he deserves Peter, and now he found out his husband has been cheating on him since—since November. Early November. Peter has been cheating on him for two months and he was just finding out about it now, from a man he didn’t recognize no less.

Wiping his angry tears aside, he closed the folder.

He stayed in the bathroom for an additional fifteen minutes before his anger got the best of him. Unlocking the door and throwing it open, he exited the bathroom and went downstairs. “Peter,” he called out firmly. The twins were in bed already and Nicky was working on some homework. Neal just hoped Nicky was in his room.

Peter emerged from the dining room and smiled at him warmly. “Welcome back, sweetheart.”

Shaking his head angrily, he moved to stand directly in front of Peter. In that moment, Peter realized his husband was crying. “You fucking liar,” he hissed.

Peter’s brows furrowed as he stared at his husband. “Honey, what’s going on?”

Neal shoved the folder at Peter and Peter staggered back a bit before glancing at the folder. “Explain this bullshit to me,” Neal snarled at him. Peter’s eyes were on Neal and he looked so confused. Opening the folder, his eyes widened and his lips parted. “Yeah. I fucking found out about your fuckbuddies.”

Lifting his gaze up from the folder, Peter shook his head and stared at Neal. “This is _not_ what it looks like, Neal.” He saw the one where he’d been groping a man right on top. Others were slightly visible, but Neal was obviously angry about the picture on top.

“Yes. Yes, it fucking is.” Neal was crying even harder now as he stammered, “I trusted you and this is what you do when you’re supposed to be here, eating dinner with your _family?_ What the hell are we to you, Peter? An obligation?”

“Neal, I didn’t cheat on you. You and the kids are everything to me,” he said exasperatedly. “You know how much you mean to me. How could you honestly believe that I cheated on you?”

Neal stared at him and yelled, “Because the God damn proof is right there!” Peter looked really hurt when Neal raised his voice and continued to rant at him angrily. “Your hand is down his pants, Peter! What husband sticks his hand down another man’s pants? How the hell can you tell me you didn’t cheat on me when I just threw the proof at you?”

Peter shook his head and blinked back tears. “Neal, this was for a case. All of these were for cases.”

“That’s the worst copout I’ve ever heard,” Neal snapped. “Why would an FBI agent be required to stick his hand down another man’s pants and then head back into the apartment with him?” Peter was going to answer him, but he yelled, “You came home at three in the morning that night! Don’t lie to me!”

“I didn’t cheat on you!” Peter cried out, hoping he could convince Neal to believe him. “Honey, I love you to death! I would _never_ cheat on you!” He didn’t know how to explain this to Neal unless he took Neal into the bureau and showed Neal his case files and the subsequent reports filed by him and other agents who were involved. “How the hell did you even get these?”

Neal scoffed and said, “Why would it matter if I saw them? If you didn’t cheat on me, why shouldn’t I see them?” Peter stepped towards Neal and Neal shoved him away. “Just tell me the truth, Peter!”

Peter threw the folder onto the floor and grabbed Neal, shoving him into the nearest wall to pin him there. “I did _not_ cheat, damn it!” Neal was trying to get Peter off of him, but Peter wasn’t letting him go. “I swear those were for cases I worked. I had to seduce them and you would’ve laughed at how awful my attempts were if you’d been sitting in the van to listen to me.”

“You fucked them! They weren’t for your cases at all, Peter. I have brain damage, but I’m not fucking stupid.”

As much as Peter didn’t want to hurt Neal, he couldn’t help pulling him forward and shoving him back against the wall—hard. “Listen to me! Why would you even think I’m not happy here? I love you! I love you and our beautiful babies, Neal!” He could see that Neal didn’t believe him and he wished he knew who put these seeds of doubt into Neal’s mind so he could beat the shit out of the liar. Everything’s been going so well between them lately, but someone wedged themselves between them and it truly hurt Peter. Despite the images looking pretty convincing, Peter honestly hoped Neal would trust him to be faithful. “Who gave these to you, Neal?” Neal shrugged as tears continued to slide down the sides of his face while he stared at Peter angrily, looking so betrayed. “Tell me who the hell gave these to you!”

“I don’t know who he is!” Neal screamed when he thought Peter was going to hurt him physically. Peter watched Neal instantly react as though he were going to be struck. Peter moved his hand a little to grip Neal tighter, but he had no intention of hitting his husband. “I don’t know who he is, but at least he shed some light on how miserable you are with me.”

Peter shook his head as he felt tears pricking at his own eyes. “Why would you trust someone you don’t know over me?”

Neal sobbed as he said, “Because he gave me those pictures—pictures you didn’t want me to see. You didn’t want me to know you’re unhappy with me. No wonder you’ve been having issues when we have sex. I can’t sexually satisfy you either.”

“I haven’t had sex with anyone since I met you,” Peter insisted. “You’re everything to me.” Neal let out a sound of disbelief and Peter breathed heavily as he stared at Neal in horror. “I love my family, Neal. I could never do anything like this with the intention of cheating on you.”

“Oh, so you unintentionally cheated on me,” Neal said sarcastically. “Because that makes things _so_ much better, Peter.”

Peter honestly wanted to hit Neal, but he was putting a great deal of strength into refraining from doing that. He’d never hit Neal before and he wasn’t going to start doing so. Neal hadn’t struck him when he accused Neal of cheating on him in the past. Granted, Neal had more evidence of some pretty incriminating situations Peter had gotten into while on the job. “Honey, take a seat on the couch.” Neal was breathing just as heavily as he was and Peter was afraid of what Neal would do if he let him go. “I’m going to get us a glass of water, okay? We both need to calm down and talk about this. Will you be civil with me?”

Neal didn’t answer as Peter let go of him. He just moved to take a seat on the couch and Peter watched his eyes immediately lock onto the folder on the floor. He sighed and left the living room, heading into the kitchen to get them the glass of water. He was simultaneously attempting to calm himself down so he wouldn’t freak out any more than he already had. Neal’s thoughts were justified, but Neal didn’t have all of the information yet. Peter would answer every question Neal had and he’d take him to the bureau to read the reports pertaining to the pictures Neal threw at him.

What Peter found incredibly disturbing was that someone had been watching him for quite some time. Those pictures weren’t taken by security cameras. They were taken by a camera with very clear detail. While the video of Neal being raped had an individual that looked so similar to his body type, he knew Neal was well aware that he was the one in every picture.

“Daddy!” Nicky screeched.

Peter dropped the glass in the sink and left the water running, darting out of the kitchen and into the living room. Nicky was running down the stairs in tears and Peter ran to the front door just as Neal began to back out in his Corvette. “Stop!” Peter pleaded even though he assumed Neal wasn’t going to listen to him. Needless to say, Peter chased him down the driveway and couldn’t keep up when Neal began to drive forward. He gasped for breath as he turned back to the house. “Get my keys! Please, Nicky!”

Nicky quickly ran to the table and grabbed his poppa’s keys, running back to the door to give them to Peter as Peter opened the door. “Please bring him back,” Nicky pleaded.

“I will,” Peter assured him. “Keep the door locked. Call me if he comes back or if something happens. Listen for the twins.”

“Poppa, go!”

Peter nodded and made a mad dash to the Taurus, jumping in and immediately starting the car, backing out of their driveway. He really regretted allowing Neal to drive. Before Neal realized he could still drive perfectly well, Neal hadn’t been able to run away like this.

He sped off in the direction Neal went and hit the call button on the Taurus, entering Neal’s cell phone number. “Please, baby,” he pleaded quietly, his eyes darting all over as he searched for his husband’s Corvette. “Answer, damn it. Answer your fucking phone.”

“ _Hi. This is Neal Burke. I can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can._ ”

Peter slammed his hands on the steering wheel as the line beeped. “Neal,” he said breathlessly. “Please, pick up your phone, honey. Please don’t run away from me. I swear things aren’t as terrible as they seemed. I’m so sorry for hurting you, but I desperately want you to come home to me. I’m begging you, sweetheart.” He managed to get all of that out before the phone cut him off.

He was really worried about Neal because he didn’t know where Neal would go. Mozzie’s apartment and Elizabeth’s home were two places he would check. If Neal weren’t in either of those places, he didn’t know where to start looking for his husband.

After several minutes, he started heading to Elizabeth’s home and attempted to call Neal again. Much to his surprise, the line was busy. Quickly hanging up, he called Nicky’s phone. Nicky’s phone rang and Peter tried not to unnerve himself as he disconnected before Nicky could pick up and repeated the process with Elizabeth’s number and Mozzie’s.

All of them rang.

Neal didn’t call any of them.

A single text message came through though. “ _We’re done._ ”

•◊•

Neal pulled up outside of an apartment building and stared at it in despair. As promised, the man was waiting for him at the entrance. He’d called the man who gave him the folder with all of those pictures and asked if now was a good time for him to get in touch with the other man. He explained the situation with Peter and the man didn’t seem surprised in the least. It almost seemed like he was expecting this to happen.

Climbing out of his car, he locked his car and shut the door. He doesn’t trust this man with his life, but this man showed him that his husband was unfaithful as far as he was concerned. For the time being, this man was slightly trustworthy. Even if something were to happen to him, his watch was in his pants pocket. He knew Peter would eventually remember to check the app and track him down.

“I’m sorry about the fight with your hubby,” the man said as Neal stopped in front of him. “It was best that you knew what kind of man he is though. I’m sorry that you didn’t hear it from him.”

“He kept lying,” Neal whispered. “I don’t understand. He kept lying to me even after I showed him the pictures you gave me. He didn’t deny that those pictures were of him, but he kept insisting he didn’t cheat on me.”

The man nodded and gestured for Neal to follow him inside. Neal wished he’d at least given himself time to pack some clothes. He didn’t know how long he was going to be away from home. He felt awful and didn’t want to see or talk to Peter right now. He felt even worse because he heard Nicky scream for him before he’d gotten into the car. Nicky heard their fight and he’d been watching Neal silently when Peter left the room. He hadn’t expected Neal to run to the door, throw it open, and take off like a bat out of hell.

“How about some alcohol to get your mind off of him?” Neal nodded as he watched the man lead him to an apartment door, unlock it, and gesture for him to enter. The moment he stepped inside, a feeling of familiarity struck him again. He glanced back when the man locked the door behind them. “C’mere, Neal.”

Neal willingly followed the man into the small kitchenette, opening the refrigerator to pull out two bottles of beer. “We’re going to need a hell of a lot more if I’m going to get my mind off of him.” The man chuckled and pulled out an additional three bottles. He popped two of them open, paused for a moment, and then turned to hand Neal a bottle that he graciously accepted and immediately drank. After gulping down about a quarter of the bottle, he whispered, “Who are you anyway?”

“You can call me Matt.”

Neal nodded and continued to drink.

He continued to drink until he could hardly comprehend what was going on around him. He was partially aware, but something was wrong and he knew it. His drink had been laced with something and he gasped when he was pulled backwards and thrown to the floor—by a man who wasn’t Matt. This man seemed so familiar, too, but he just could not remember them at all. “Hello, gorgeous.” Neal wanted to speak, but his mind wouldn’t put the words together and release them. Instead, he stared up at the man who’d thrown him to the floor. His body felt numb and he couldn’t move, which terrified him. “Looks like the Ketamine hit him hard.”

“He used to take it when he was getting into drugs. We had sex when he was hallucinating. I figured out how to have my way with him while he’s conscious and aware though.” The man above him laughed and Neal was trying to figure out why they were doing this to him. He thought Matt was trying to help him. What the hell had he gotten himself into?

“Let’s get him into the bedroom.” Neal’s heart sped up as he screamed internally. Both Matt and this mystery man lifted him haphazardly and carried him into a bedroom that also felt familiar to him. “You going doggie on him?”

“Of course,” Matt said. “You get undressed and lie down. I’ll take care of him.” Neal knew he was going to be raped. Vague memories of these two were beginning to come back to him as his clothes were torn off—literally torn off. Matt had no regard for the wellbeing of his clothing at all. “I don’t want to prep him. I want him to remember who’s taking him.”

The other man snickered and said, “You always knew how to treat a slut.”

Matt chuckled after he’d gotten Neal undressed. Neal felt absolutely powerless as Matt and the other man moved him around. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t move. As he was pushed into a sitting position atop this man, he knew who he was. The man behind him, Matt, is his ex—his stepbrother. The man beneath him is the man he and Matt had a threesome with several times when Neal had been dating Matt.

Neal wanted to scream, to cry… He wanted to do something. He was afraid that Peter wasn’t coming for him. In his own mind, he was praying that Peter would burst through the door at any moment before these men penetrated him. He kept praying until the last moment.

Forcefully, the man beneath him slid into him and Matt shoved himself in next. The only reaction Neal had was an involuntarily muscle jerk. He felt so much pain as they fucked him. He tried to will his body to work with him, to get him out of this. Whatever the Ketamine was, Neal figured it was a date rape drug of some sort.

They laughed and spoke to each other, knowing Neal couldn’t respond at all. He could feel everything they were doing to him and he was having flashbacks to moments in the past when these men penetrated him simultaneously—and he envisioned Vincent and Craig doing the same to him as well. “Oh, I missed how warm you are inside,” Matt sneered as he bit Neal’s shoulder and proceeded to bite Neal’s neck. “Peter’s going to love it when we eventually let you go home to him.” Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes and Neal was surprised that he was allowed to have that reaction. “You just accused your husband of cheating on you and look at the position you’ve gotten yourself into.” Matt snickered and dug his fingernails into Neal’s hips, hurting the younger man with each and every thrust into him. “My daddy was always right when he said fucking you was a beautiful experience. I’m so happy to be inside of you again, Neal.” Neal couldn’t even close his eyes. They’d purposely drugged him with the intention of raping him and making him experience it without resistance. “I just wish I could hear you scream. It’s such a damn shame that I don’t want the neighbors to interrupt us.”

Neal heard someone enter the bedroom and hoped to God it was Peter coming to his rescue. “Oh. You started without me.”

Definitely not Peter…

Matt didn’t pause, taking Neal as viciously as the other man inside of Neal. “Get in here then,” Matt said irritably. “I told you he’d be here tonight. You should’ve been waiting like Ryan was.” Neal heard the man drop his clothes and he was absolutely horrified. Coming here was the worst decision he’s ever made. Drinking and allowing himself to be drugged came in close second.

He didn’t know what was going to happen to him or, assuming he was eventually released like Matt said he would be, what would happen to his relationship with Peter. Matt was right. He’d accused Peter of cheating on him and yet here he was…being fucked by two men.

As the bed lowered behind them, Neal knew this was going to get so much worse. As far as he knew, he’d never done anything like what was going to happen to him. He heard the third man jerking off to what was being done to him as well as the sounds of the other two men.

Neal, if he were in control of himself and able to respond, would have screamed the moment the third man slid into him forcefully.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said in the previous chapter’s Notes section, this chapter was posted with it simultaneously to clear things up. Fortunately, if you were pissed off with the ending of the previous chapter, you should like this one a little more.

Saturday morning, Neal’s eyes flew open and his head pounded. He was sweating profusely and breathing heavily. Pushing himself up, he was relieved by the fact that he could move. Glancing at the blanket covering him, his brows furrowed. He is naked, but this was the wrong blanket. Glancing to his left, he let out a startled cry and nearly fell out of bed. “What? What?” the man beside him said, sounding partially alert and looking extremely drowsy at the same time. Focusing his eyes on Neal, the man asked, “You okay? You look like you’re going to be sick, Neal…”

“I’m with you,” he whispered.

The other man’s brows furrowed in response. “Um… Yes?” He watched Neal breathe erratically for a few moments before Neal calmed himself down. “Is there something you’d like to talk about?”

Neal shook his head and threw himself at the other man, whispering, “I’m so happy to be with you,” against the other man’s neck.

Peter held onto his husband, confused and dazed at the same time. “Did you…have a nightmare?” Neal hesitated and Peter figured that was what happened. “Fuck. I’m sorry, my love. I knew drinking before bed wasn’t a good idea…” They’d gone to bed the previous night with a bottle of wine and drank themselves to a point where they made love without realizing it and fell asleep in each other’s arms. “You’ve never had nightmares when we drank before, but we also didn’t drink so heavily before going to bed…” Neal sighed and hugged Peter tighter. “Considering you’re sweating much more than you were last night, I’m going to assume your nightmare included, you know…”

“Let me ask you something,” he said quietly as he pulled back to look at Peter’s face. “Is Matt my ex and stepbrother?”

The older man, despite his hangover, looked absolutely disgusted when Neal said that name. “Matthew Keller. He’s Vincent’s first son, but he took his mother’s maiden name.” Watching Neal curiously, he could see something was going on in his lover’s mind. “Did you dream about him?” Neal nodded slowly. “He’s an asshole. He did so many terrible things to you and I wish I could kill—”

“I think he raped me several times when we were together.” Peter paused and stared at Neal as though he were in physical pain. “I’m going to assume this is yet another suppressed memory that was mixed into a present scenario.” Peter’s brows furrowed as he took Neal’s left hand in his and gave the younger man all of his attention. “He tried to convince me that you cheated on me and it worked. I…ran to him to get away from you.” He gave Peter an apologetic glance and Peter only nodded in response. “I think he date rape drugged me. There was another man in the apartment and they… They took me into the bedroom and… You know exactly where I’m going with that, right?”

“I know he and his boy toy on the side double penetrated you,” Peter whispered. “You told me the two of them did that to you a few times…”

“What about an instance of triple penetration?” Peter gasped and stared at his husband in absolute horror. “If this isn’t some weird ass dream my mind came up with because of the wine we drank last night, I think I was raped by him and two other men.” Peter looked so hurt and Neal really admired that because Peter sympathized for him and put himself into that situation to know how Neal would have felt. “They said something about Ketamine. I don’t know if everything that happened was real, but it was awful.”

Peter blinked rapidly to avoid crying. “Ketamine can temporarily paralyze a user.” Neal nodded and felt Peter’s pain. “I’ll… Do you want me to check your medical records? It could have caused respiratory problems for you.”

“If you want to check, that’s up to you. I don’t want you to upset yourself though.”

“Don’t worry about me, sweetheart.” All of this was hurting Peter a great deal. It was bad enough knowing Neal was double penetrated by men who should have loved him as well as men who just wanted Neal’s body for their own purposes, but this… If this happened to Neal, he assumed Neal would have required a hospital visit for one reason or another. He hadn’t looked into Neal’s medical records very deeply since he needed to have evidence for Neal’s trial against Vincent and when he reread the reports about Neal’s brain damage.

He waited a little while before deciding to get on his laptop. The need to know was killing him. Neal knew that as soon as he came back into their bedroom after checking on the kids to make sure they were all right. It was too early for them to be awake. “Did you find anything?” Neal asked reluctantly. He was standing in their bedroom doorway, watching Peter’s face.

“Apparently, you failed some drug tests for potential jobs because…Ketamine was in your system…” Neal nodded slowly as he kept his eyes on his husband’s face. “Nothing here was detailed as ‘significant signs of rape’ since… Well, since the last time you were raped,” he whispered. “There weren’t any reports of that while you were with Keller. That entire period of time with him shows you as being sexually all right, but you were physically abused by him quite a bit.”

“All right,” Neal conceded. “Maybe it was just something my mind created because of the alcohol. When I looked at the third man, he didn’t seem—” Neal’s lips parted and Peter set his laptop aside and was about to slide out of bed until Neal spoke again. “He wasn’t familiar because my mind made him up. He looked like some weird combination of Vincent and Craig.”

“As much as I hate to say it, I guess that’s a good thing…” Neal went back to the bed and joined Peter, crossing his legs as he sat in front of his husband. “I’m sorry that you were forced to endure two of them simultaneously in both instances, but…but I’m glad you weren’t taken by three men.”

There was a brief silence between Peter’s slightly relieved statements and the next time Neal spoke. “In all honesty, have you ever thought about a threesome with someone else and me?”

“Hell fucking no.” Neal raised an eyebrow at the indignation he heard in his husband’s response. “I would never invite another man into our bed.” Smiling softly, Neal really appreciated that. He couldn’t remember them doing anything like he’d done with his ex and another man, but he thought he might as well ask. “Even if we considered a threesome with someone else,” he whispered, “I don’t like sharing my favorite things…”

“I can see that.” He shifted onto his knees and framed Peter’s face with his hands before kissing him sweetly. Peter’s arms wound around his husband and he pulled his body closer. Neal laughed quietly into the kiss when Peter’s left hand slid towards his ass and squeezed gently. He laughed again when Peter laid back, pulling Neal with him and grabbing Neal’s ass with both hands without breaking their kiss. Neal was straddling his husband as he hovered over him and he eventually needed to break away so he could breathe. “I’m really glad you don’t like sharing because damn.”

Peter chuckled as he stared up at his husband. “I don’t want to allow anyone else to touch your warm skin or kiss your lips,” he whispered. “As long as you’re mine, no one is allowed into our bed. I will never allow another man to come into this room with the intention of having sex with you in our bed.”

Neal pecked Peter’s lips a few times before lying down on top of him. He could feel Peter’s erection and, obviously, Peter felt his. “I’ll always be yours,” he said softly. “Even if you leave me someday, I’ll never belong to anyone else. I only want to be yours for the rest of my life.”

The older man rubbed their erections together as he initiated another kiss with his husband. “I’m never going to let you go.”

Neal panted quietly as Peter rubbed them together. He wanted Peter inside of him very badly, especially after that painful alcohol-induced dream he had. Before Peter had the opportunity to consider slipping into his husband, Neal was saying, “Wait. Wait.” Both of them froze and Neal whispered, “I need to ask you something before we do anything.”

“Of course,” Peter said quietly.

“Have you been seducing men and women for cases in the last couple of months?”

Peter stared directly into Neal’s eyes as he said, “Once. It was in early December. I swear I told you.” Neal thought back to the previous month and nodded. He did remember that and Peter assured him that there was no kissing or sex involved whatsoever. “Was that why you thought I cheated on you in your dream?” Neal nodded again. “Honey, I completely understand your concern. It’s a very valid concern and I appreciate your honesty.” He rested his right hand on Neal’s lower back and slid his left hand up to Neal’s hair, tangling his fingers in Neal’s disheveled hair. “Now, let me be honest with you.” Neal’s brows furrowed as he nodded. “I love you a great deal. Because I love you so much, I would rather take my own life than cheat on you. You don’t have to worry about us, sweetheart.”

“Of all the things that could ever tear us apart, I think our insecurities are at the very top of that list.” Peter gave his husband a small smile as he stroked Neal’s hair. “I know I’ve always been insecure about keeping you all for myself and you’re insecure about my interest in you.”

“There are so many young, attractive men you could—” Peter laughed when Neal smacked his chest. “You’re the most gorgeous man I have ever laid eyes on. I don’t know how you think I’m attractive.”

Neal debated on smacking him again, but he said, “I’m no Adonis, Peter. To me, I look kind of decent. To me, you are the most attractive, handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He kissed all over Peter’s face and began to glide his fingers over Peter’s body, whispering, “I love everything about you. I love your eyes, your nose, your smile… I love your throat, your broad shoulders, your—”

Peter flipped them over and kissed him. “You’re beautiful inside, too.”

The younger man chuckled and said, “You didn’t let me get to one of my favorite parts of you, Mister Burke.”

“Oh?” Neal smirked up at him and Peter grinned. “I’m more than happy to let you show me which part of me is your favorite.” Grinning as well, Neal pushed Peter onto his back, hovered over him, and began to plant kisses down Peter’s body as he moved down to the particular area he was referring to. He had the intention of doing more than just showing Peter which part was one of his favorites…

•◊•

The weekend went very well considering Neal and Peter drank a little wine before going to bed each night. They didn’t drink nearly as much as they had on Friday night. After hearing about Neal’s nightmare, they were trying to be very careful with how much alcohol they were consuming. Neither of them drank enough to get drunk. In fact, they shared a singular wine glass each night before bed. It relaxed them, but didn’t make them unaware. Relaxing with his husband all weekend was very fortunate because Peter had no patience left for Kramer. He had very little to begin with, but he loathed the man for everything he’s been doing to Neal behind the scenes.

Diana caught wind of Kramer trying to pin some crime on Neal and immediately brought it to Peter’s attention. He flagged it and confronted Kramer about it. Kramer tried to pretend he didn’t know what Peter was talking about, which infuriated Peter. “If I find one more God damn report—criminal or otherwise—about my husband, I’ll personally get on the phone with DC and report you for harassing him. You seem to forget that you’re going to court against us in a matter of weeks.”

“Your husband seems like the kind of man I’d consider a gold digger. He lets his mother die—gains her inheritance. He kills his stepfather—gains his inheritance. He lets his biological father die—gains his inheritance. Now he’s taking me to court in the hopes of getting a couple thousand out of me.”

Thoughts of Neal kissing him, hugging him, and laughing quietly as he smiled at him kept him from attacking Kramer. Going to his happy place for a few moments really helped out here. Neal wouldn’t always be able to jump in front of him to keep him from assaulting this infuriating asshole. “His mother was shot by Craig Laird on live television. He killed his stepfather who, at that exact moment, was raping a teenage boy. His father died of cancer. Do you think Neal had the intention of getting his parental figures out of the picture just so he could make money off of them?”

“Why not? He’s got the sob story of being a poor, single father for several years.”

“He hasn’t been a single father in almost seven years,” Peter said firmly. “In the early stages of our relationship, he didn’t let me do expensive things for him or let me help him pay for things very often. I don’t owe you an explanation of any kind, but I know my husband wouldn’t let anyone die so he could make money.” Kramer raised an eyebrow and Peter’s anger began to flare. “Your opinion of him may be considerably low, but he’s not a self-centered man. He’s a good man and damn you if you can’t see that.”

Before Kramer had the opportunity to hurl another insult, Peter was back in his office and sitting in his desk chair. Without thinking about it, he was pulling his cell phone out of his pocket and tapped his husband’s beautiful face to call him. The second Neal answered, he laughed lightly. “ _I was just about to call you, handsome._ ” Peter wanted to say something sweet in response. Normally he would have said something along the lines of them being on the same wavelength because they’re so connected to each other, but he was too pissed off to put his heart into saying that to Neal. “ _Everything okay?_ ”

“It’s nine-thirty in the fucking morning and I’m ready to—ugh!”

“ _Okay,_ ” Neal said quickly. “ _Take it easy. Tell me what’s going on._ ”

Peter sighed in frustration. “Kramer is really pushing my buttons right now. It’s like that red button that you know you shouldn’t press, but you always do so whenever you shouldn’t.” Neal made a sound of understanding and Peter said, “He’s been trying to report you for a bunch of bullshit claims. Diana and I aren’t letting any of them get out. Right now, I have Diana searching for the original documents Kramer’s no doubt using.”

“ _That’s good. I know you two can take care of—Joey, no! Don’t touch that!_ ” Peter heard something fall and break on Neal’s end. He winced, figuring it was probably the vase of flowers Neal bought for him. Joey began to cry and Peter listened to Neal hush Joey. Despite his mood, hearing Neal be a daddy always made him happy. “ _You’re okay. You’re okay, baby boy._ ” Neal obviously set the phone down so he could hold Joey and Peter honestly didn’t mind. “ _Joey, do you want to hear poppa’s voice?_ ” Peter grinned when Joey giggled and said yes. He heard Neal hit something on the phone and said, “ _Say: hi, poppa!_ ”

“ _Hi, poppa!_ ” Brie and Joey both yelled, eliciting a quiet laugh from Neal.

“Hello, my little sweethearts,” Peter said endearingly. “Poppa misses you both so much.”

“ _Home, poppa?_ ” Joey asked.

Peter chuckled. “I will be home later, kiddo. Poppa’s at work right now. Are you being good for your daddy?”

There was a brief pause and then Joey laughed. “ _Of course he is. I had to clean up a broken vase though… The flowers are all good and I quickly took them upstairs in a different vase. They’re in our bedroom now._ ”

“Sounds good, baby. Quick question about lunch. Any plans?”

Neal made a thoughtful sound before saying, “ _I’d like lunch at home today. I’ll have the kiddos down for their nap and lunch will be waiting for you by the time you get here._ ” Peter laughed quietly, shaking his head. “ _Hey, I like being ready so we can eat the second you walk in the door._ ”

Peter smirked as he said, “I thought breakfast would fill us both this morning. It’s always nice to eat with you before work.”

The younger man sighed contentedly and Peter could tell he’d picked up the phone and turned the speaker off. “ _The little ones are occupying themselves with their blue ball now. Did you want to talk about work?_ ”

“It’s not really important right now. I just appreciated listening to my babies.” Neal made a quiet sound and Peter could tell he was happy. “Thanks for putting them on, honey.”

“ _We love you, Peter._ ”

Peter smiled to himself as he whispered, “I know. I love all of my babies so very much.” He glanced up when he saw Diana gesturing for him to check his email. He didn’t want to get off of the phone just yet, but he checked his email nonetheless. Upon opening his email, he saw a forwarded message that Kramer sent to Bruce, his best friend and best man at his and Neal’s wedding. “Oh, for the love of fucking God.”

“ _What?_ ” Neal asked concernedly.

“Have I talked to you about Bruce?” Neal made a sound that indicated Peter hadn’t spoken about him much if at all. “He was in the wedding video.”

Neal immediately said, “ _Right. Your best man. What about him?_ ”

Peter quickly forwarded the email to Neal and said, “I think your laptop was on the dining room table this morning. Check your email.” He could hear Neal typing the password that unlocked the laptop and then heard him clicking occasionally until he was silently reading the email Peter sent him. When he made a sound of disbelief, Peter said, “That is absolute bullshit. Bruce knows you a hell of a lot better than Kramer realizes. I’ll be surprised if Bruce even contacts me to ask if this is true because he knows Kramer is totally against you.”

“ _Why is he trying to put me in prison? He keeps making up charges that he thinks will guarantee my arrest without proof._ ”

“He wants you out of the picture so terribly, but I won’t let him do anything to you. The agents watching our home now are not to allow any unauthorized agents into the house without a _valid_ arrest warrant that needs to personally be run by me before allowing anyone inside.” He sighed as a new email came through—from Bruce. He spent a few moments reading it and laughed his ass off. “Oh, I have to forward this one to you. Bruce forwarded me his response to Kramer.”

Neal waited for the email and then he read it before laughing himself. “ _‘Your efforts to arrest former Special Agent Neal Burke are in vain, I assure you. You’ve been put on report for fabricating arrest warrants and criminal reports. If we receive any other requests to falsely arrest any member of the Burke family, your position in the White Collar division—as well as the FBI as a whole—will be terminated.’_ ”

“He knows damn well that you’d never do any of the shit Kramer thinks he can claim you’ve done.” He sent a reply back to Bruce, informing him that he and Neal were both grateful for his response to Kramer’s email. In all honesty, he wished he’d just reported this to Bruce himself. Evidently, Diana and Jones weren’t putting up with Kramer’s shit any more than he was and they reported him together. “Bruce and I were best friends through Quantico. We’ve been close since then, but it’s hard to keep in touch frequently when one of you is in DC and the other is in New York.”

“ _Can you tell him I’m sending him my most sincerest thank you ever?_ ”

Peter chuckled. “Fortunately, I already thanked him for the both of us.” He glanced up and realized Kramer was in the bullpen and he looked furious as he spoke to an agent Peter didn’t recognize. “If anyone comes to the house, I’m demanding that you tell me immediately.”

Neal made a sound of confusion and asked, “ _Should I be expecting someone to come here?_ ”

Watching the agent leave with an additional three, Peter’s brows furrowed. “I’m not sure. Four agents are leaving at Kramer’s request.” That really concerned him because the twins weren’t sleeping this time. If Neal was taken from their home for whatever reason, their twins would be left alone, confused and terrified because their daddy was leaving them with people they aren’t familiar with. “I’m going to follow them.”

“ _Please be careful,_ ” Neal begged him. “ _If Kramer is pissed, they could get hostile. I don’t want to lose you, Peter._ ”

Peter quickly pulled his jacket on and left his office, heading to the elevator with his phone in his hand until he was actually inside the elevator. “I’ll be safe, sweetheart. Just keep me updated on things there. If anyone knocks on the door or rings the bell, do not answer. Don’t go near the windows. In fact, get the twins into the basement. Don’t disconnect the call, honey.”

Neal set the phone down so he could move the twins and their toys downstairs like Peter was asking. He was slightly afraid because he didn’t know what could happen this time. Peter was concerned and leaving work to come home to check on them, so that didn’t bode well with him either.

The older man was heading out to the Taurus when Neal finally picked up the phone again. “ _Okay. The twins are in the basement. I’m going to head down there with them._ ”

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Peter assured him. “I don’t know if they’re going after you. I’m just trying to take precautions for the three of you.” He unlocked the Taurus the second he was close enough and immediately opened the door, pulling it open. “I’m getting into the car now. Let me call you from the Taurus.” Neal agreed and they disconnected the call so he could dial Neal’s cell phone number on the screen.

As soon as Neal answered, Neal said, “ _If they’re heading here, do you think they’re armed?_ ”

Peter’s jaw tensed as he pulled his belt on and proceeded to drive himself home. “Lock the basement door. Do not come upstairs unless I tell you I’m home. I don’t want you or the twins to get hurt.” Peter knew how much this was scaring his husband. If Kramer sent agents to their home to kill Neal, Kramer was going to pay. “Calm down, my love. I won’t let them hurt you.”

After several minutes, things were still quiet on Neal’s end. Aside from sounds the twins were making, Peter couldn’t hear anyone breaking in or yelling. Maybe he was wrong about the agents that Kramer sent out. He’d rather be wrong than be too late though. “ _Brie, stay here, honey._ ”

“ _Daddy!_ ”

Neal hushed her gently and said, “ _Daddy’s right here. Please be quiet, princess._ ” She giggled at him and, if Peter weren’t rushing to get home, it would’ve made Peter smile. “ _Ow! Brie!_ ” he hissed.

Peter glanced at the time quickly and asked, “Everything okay there, sweetheart?”

“ _Aside from the fact that I probably just lost some hair, yeah. I swear these are your kids. As far as I can remember, Nicky never pulled on my hair the way you and these two do._ ”

Chuckling, Peter said, “I don’t pull on your hair. It’s not my intention to hurt you. I’ve just always enjoyed running my fingers through your hair.” He listened to his husband play with their twins quietly until he finally pulled into the driveway. “It’s just me,” he said when he heard Neal begin to hush the twins. “I just pulled into the driveway.” Neal breathed a sigh of relief as Peter said, “I’m coming in. You can unlock the basement door.”

They disconnected their call and Peter got out of the Taurus, heading over to his house. He glanced around warily before unlocking the door and slipping inside, quickly locking the door just in case someone was waiting to burst in and take him by surprise. As soon as Neal opened the basement door, Peter could see his relief. “No one’s out there aside from Jones and his agents, right?”

“As far as I could see, no one else was around.”

The two men headed back down into the basement to bring the twins and their toys back up to the living room. “Having an FBI agent for a husband is actually kind of nice,” Neal admitted as he tossed Joey’s toys onto the couch and sat down with Joey in his lap. “Granted, Kramer is trying to get rid of me…”

“I think you were right before about him having an infatuation with me. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t have a job after all of the shit I’ve said to his face.” Neal frowned and figured Peter was right. His thoughts regarding Peter and cheating were beginning to come back. If Peter wanted Kramer to back off, there were several things he could do. Peter immediately knew what Neal’s line of thought was and he leaned forward to kiss his husband’s forehead. “I’m only interested in one man and I have him right here in front of me.”

After a few minutes, Peter and Neal took the twins upstairs with some toys. Peter went into his and Neal’s bedroom while holding Brie with Neal following him with Joey in his arms. They set the twins down on the floor and shut their bedroom door before meeting each other at the end of their bed. Both men felt a slight case of urgency coming on as they kissed haphazardly while stripping each other. Neal, for a few moments, felt insecure and Peter wanted to reassure him that he’s the only man he’ll ever want.

The twins weren’t paying them any attention whatsoever as they managed to get naked, under their blanket, and begin making love with each other. “Peter,” he whispered, gasping his pleasure as Peter sucked on his neck and loved him the way Neal wanted him to. “Ah… Oh, Peter…”

Peter pulled away from Neal’s neck long enough to give the younger man a fierce kiss. Neal liked how Peter took advantage of his mouth being open. Peter shoved his tongue into Neal’s mouth and Neal absolutely loved it. It was nice to see that Peter was finally beginning to let go of how he’d made love with him in the past. Of course they both realized it was going to take time before Peter could just jump into this, but Neal thought Peter was doing really well.

Neal was breathless when Peter finally retracted his tongue and broke their kiss. “Are you against hickeys? I mean, it’s kind of late for you to say no considering I left two of them on your neck…”

Chuckling, Neal rested his hands on Peter’s cheeks. “Hickeys are absolutely fine. In fact, you can leave some bite marks if you want to.” The face Peter made had Neal adding, “We can slowly build up to that over time. You don’t have to do anything like that right now.”

“You’d really be okay if I bit you on purpose?”

Shrugging, the younger man whispered, “Love marks. Bruises on my hips, hickeys on my neck… They’re love marks to me.” He rubbed his thumbs over Peter’s cheekbones as Peter paused entirely. “You can be as wild or as passive as you want to be with me. I’m giving my heart, soul, and body to you. Love them in any way you want to. You won’t be getting any complaints from me.” As a test, Peter thrust deeply into Neal abruptly. Neal’s sound of pleasure thrilled him and, with his eyes closed and lips parted, Neal moaned, “Oh yeah. That’s good.” He opened his eyes and looked up at Peter, seeing how his husband was searching his eyes. He wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and smiled up at him. All he wanted to do was prove to Peter that he means everything he’s been saying. Sex with Peter doesn’t bother him at all.

“That was okay?” Peter asked skeptically.

“Hell yes,” Neal said enthusiastically as the twins giggled on the floor. Both men glanced at their toddlers and turned back to each other when they realized the twins were still caught up in their own world with each other. “Hell yes,” he repeated.

Peter looked nervous and Neal gave him a gentle kiss. “If it’s too much for you, would you ask me to stop?” Neal nodded. “You wouldn’t let me hurt you if it’s unbearable?”

“Stop worrying,” Neal said softly. “If I have a problem of any kind, you’ll be the first to know.”

Nodding, the older man lowered his face to kiss the part of Neal’s neck that connected with his shoulder. He thrust into Neal hard again and Neal made the same pleased sound. He was trusting Neal to be honest and open with him about these things, so he was going to try to push Neal’s former limits—just to see if Neal meant what he was saying.

He began to thrust into his husband harder and deeper than he had initially and he remained consistent. Neal’s sounds were also consistent if not better and full of more pleasure in comparison. In addition to his thrusts, he tentatively bit into Neal’s shoulder. Neal bent his legs at Peter’s sides and squeezed Peter’s hips between them. His left hand was on Peter’s head and his fingers were tangling in Peter’s hair as though he were holding Peter’s head in place.

Considering they didn’t have a whole lot of time to be together before Peter was likely to be expected back at work, Peter tried to make love to his husband as quickly as he could. He wanted Neal to come at the very least. And, assuming Neal was up for it, he considered coming home for ‘lunch’ during his lunch break. That wasn’t for another couple of hours though and they’d figure things out before getting into bed for another round later.

“Oh. Oh, Neal,” he murmured when Neal’s right fingers began to dig into his left shoulder. Admittedly, he really liked everything he and Neal were doing as of late. It was just…strange. He was used to a certain kind of lovemaking with Neal and changing that was difficult. Before, admitting to himself that he loves Neal’s sounds of intertwined pain and pleasure would have felt so wrong. In addition, admitting that he loves watching Neal kneel in front of him during a blowjob also felt wrong before. He trusts Neal to be honest with him, so he was being honest with Neal at appropriate times, complimenting Neal’s beauty in one scenario or another. Whether it was having Neal on his knees and looking up at him or listening to Neal make slightly pained sounds, Peter did admit that he was beautiful in both instances. His sounds and physicality are both beautiful.

Neal’s gasps began to sound like he was nearing his climax and Peter was doing everything he could to bring his husband to that point. He himself was close, but he always wanted Neal to release first. “Peter!” he moaned as he came. He lifted his hips even with Peter holding him and Peter came when Neal tightened around him during his release. He growled Neal’s name and repeated it as he came inside of his husband. He shot quite a bit of his warmth into his husband, too.

Panting against each other, Peter whispered, “H-How… How was that?”

“Holy shit,” was all Neal could moan. “I really don’t want you to pull out.”

Peter chuckled and shifted so he could look at Neal’s face. He saw the exhaustion and happiness in his husband’s face and that pleased him. Glancing at Neal’s neck and shoulder made him feel some very conflicting things though. He left a total of three hickeys on Neal’s neck and broke the skin on Neal’s shoulder four times. “I love you.”

Neal kissed Peter lovingly and whispered, “I love you, too.”

Both men gave themselves a few minutes to recover before separating and climbing out of bed. Peter had to quickly dress himself and get ready to go back to work, but Neal went into the bathroom. “Poppa!” Brie said excitedly as she watched her poppa fix his tie.

Glancing at his daughter, Peter smiled and said, “Hi, princess. You like poppa’s tie?” He knelt on the floor and played with the twins until Neal emerged from the bathroom in his lingerie. His eyes were on Peter and he smiled as he listened and watched his husband play with their toddlers. He really didn’t mind a quickie with Peter because he knows it still means a great deal to them both. After all, Peter does come home to him every night. And watching Peter with their toddlers let him know how committed and in love he is with his family. Glancing up at his husband, Peter asked, “You okay, angel?”

Neal grinned and Peter knew Neal went into the bathroom to look at the hickeys and bite marks. If anyone were to see them, they’d probably assume Peter did it to abuse Neal. Neal, on the other hand, loved them. “Perfect,” he said softly.

“Poppa has to go back to work,” he said to the twins. “I love you both. Keep daddy out of trouble.” He gave them both kisses before getting up to give his husband one as well as a hug. “I love you very much.”

“I have proof of that on my body,” Neal teased quietly. Peter chuckled and kissed one of the marks he left on Neal’s shoulder. “I love you just as much, handsome.” Putting a little bit of space between them, Neal lifted his hands and grinned as he fixed Peter’s hair. It’d initially looked wild and Neal knew people would get the impression that he’d either been roughed up by a criminal or he’d gone home to have sex with his husband. “As much as I love your messy hair, you need to look somewhat professional at work,” he said, giggling quietly.

Peter rolled his eyes before pecking Neal’s lips one last time. “I’ll see you around lunch time.” Lowering his left hand, he gently grabbed Neal’s ass and whispered, “Take it easy.” Neal laughed as Peter said, “This beautiful ass is going to get some serious loving from now on.”

“Go back to work,” Neal said endearingly. He kissed Peter’s jaw and smiled at the older man before finally allowing him to leave.

As Peter went downstairs, gathered his things, and was leaving the house, he glanced up at the stairway and smiled one more time. He could hear Neal animatedly playing with the twins now and his heart swelled with pride and love. He loves having Neal all to himself and he loves having Neal as their children’s daddy. Neal’s inner daddy was one of the main reasons Peter had fallen in love with Neal and Nicky a few years ago.

When he finally left, slid into his Taurus, and was heading back to work, he realized he would be able to make it through a hellish day with Kramer every single day because, in turn, he was proud to know he has a beautiful family to come home to every single day.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is a little frustrated.

Peter sat in the conference room as Kramer was giving his whole spiel about how things needed to change in the White Collar division. He indirectly reprimanded Peter, Diana, and Jones for their interference in attempting to illegally arrest Neal. Before he’d sent his report down to DC as a request for a ‘legal’ arrest, Kramer hadn’t realized that Peter had a close friend in the particular department he was seeking permission from nor had he realized he’d shot off an email to that close friend of Peter’s.

The trio he’d reprimanded was sitting closely together at the very end of the table. Peter looked smugger than hell and Kramer wished he had some means of going over Peter’s head, over Bruce Hawes’ head. Unfortunately, because he’d made an error in regards to who he’d sent his email to, he couldn’t ask DC for another request of permission to arrest Neal. He couldn’t make any requests about Peter, about Neal, or about anyone who possessed the Burke surname unless they weren’t directly related to the particular Burke family included in the bureau.

“Quick question,” Peter said abruptly. “If you’re done talking about how we can better our division, can you tell us what plans you have in regards to arresting or detaining Rachel Turner?”

“We’re going to do everything Hughes couldn’t and wouldn’t do,” is the only response Peter was given before Kramer continued on with his suggested revisions for the division. That wasn’t exactly the response Peter was hoping for and it honestly pissed him off. He wanted to know what Kramer had in mind so they could arrest her quickly. Hughes lost his job and Kramer replaced him because Hughes hadn’t caught Rachel as he promised they would.

Needless to say, Kramer didn’t clear anything up for anyone. In fact, Peter was so bored by Kramer’s ideas of revision that he actually began to text Neal as though he were a teenager in high school. He was hiding his phone just out of Kramer’s sight and sending a few dirty and provocative messages to his husband. The start of this conversation had been him asking Neal if Hannah and Jon made it back safely, to which Neal responded to tell him that the two were home with him and said hello. After a few exchanges of innocent text messages, _Neal_ sent the first dirty text.

Peter was considerably hard as he attempted to pay a slight amount of attention to what Kramer was saying and sext Neal simultaneously. When he glanced at his phone again, he’d gotten a dick pic from his husband as a physical admission that Neal is also turned on.

“Is that Neal?”

Peter startled and turned his phone screen off, blushing hard as Diana glanced at him. She’d whispered that to him, but he wasn’t expecting anyone to really pay him any attention. “Yes,” Peter admitted. All she’d gotten was a brief glimpse of Neal’s manhood, but it honestly didn’t matter considering she’d been there when they found Neal naked and bound after being raped. She’d already seen everything Neal had to offer—to his husband, of course.

After the meeting, everyone was dismissed and Diana followed Peter into his office. “Did you ask him for a dick pic?” she teased him after shutting the door.

“No,” Peter murmured as he sat down at his desk. He preferred to hide himself as much as humanly possible for the moment because he had a massive erection after seeing Neal’s.

Diana took the seat across from Peter and smirked at him. “Look at you, Agent ‘I will not be distracted on the job.’” She loved teasing him because it’d always been his policy to focus while at work—prior to meeting Neal. Focusing while married to Elizabeth honestly wasn’t hard considering he wasn’t excited by her enough to _be_ distracted. Neal, however, was quite the exception. “Oh, are we blushing? Yes, we are!”

“Oh, please,” Peter said. “Don’t tell me Elizabeth hasn’t sent you any pictures of her breasts while you’re on the job.”

She grinned at him and he rolled his eyes. “She has, but there’s one major difference between you and me.”

He nodded and said, “I know. I have a dick, which makes my excitement and arousal very noticeable for anyone who’s paying attention,” before she had the opportunity to say just that. “So, what you’re suggesting is that you occasionally look for my erection to see if I’m sending sexual messages to my husband?”

“I may not be sexually attracted to you, but I’m jealous of Neal.” Peter raised an eyebrow. “If I were a man, I would’ve been all over you. You’re very handsome and I do like your personality. I can see why Neal is interested in you.”

“Wow. I never thought a lesbian would honestly say she wishes she could be with me.”

Diana laughed. “What’s worse is that I’m saying that about my wife’s ex-husband.” Peter shook his head and chuckled. “In all honesty, Peter, I’m just glad to see you’re so happy. We all know it’s hard for you to work without him around because you were used to him being your partner at home and at work, but we’re all very proud of you for continuing on. Your closure rate is still fantastic and all of us are very lucky to be working with you at all.”

Peter gave her a small smile. “My closure rate may be good, but I can’t close the one case that I _need_ to close,” he whispered.

“We’ll bring her in. I don’t think Kramer is the answer to finally catching her, but you know we’ll all do whatever you ask of us.”

“Everyone in this section is wonderful,” Peter said. “I’ve always liked how well we all work together. I know we’ll eventually get Rachel. I just wish we could’ve gotten her when we only had one chance to use Neal against her.”

Nodding, Diana knew how hard it was for Peter to work with the knowledge that Rachel was still at large and could potentially break into his home and kidnap or kill his husband. If Elizabeth were in the position Neal is in, she’d be overly concerned and setting up a perimeter of agents to watch over Elizabeth as well. “Another opportunity will present itself when we aren’t looking for it,” she said quietly. “I’m sure she’s not resting easy on her end either. She has the entire FBI as well as all of Interpol and NYPD on her back. She’ll always have to look over her shoulder until we have her.”

Peter sighed and said, “Every time I think about what she did to Neal, I wish I could wrap my hands around her throat and strangle her. She claimed to love him and she did terrible things to him. I love him and would never dream of doing what she did.”

“There are two kinds of people out there,” Diana whispered. “Those who desire love and those who desire pain. You’re one of those who desire love. She desires pain.”

“When we find her, her arrest won’t be merciful. Nothing she’ll go through will be pleasant after how much hell she put him through. The sad part is that Neal’s brain was damaged and he didn’t realize there was a problem with what was being done to him while she was watching. To him, that was normal. For however long he endured that, he didn’t know who he was or where he came from nor did he know that he’s better than the sex slave she made him become.”

Diana could see how much this was upsetting Peter. She hadn’t really discussed this with him in depth because she knew it was a sensitive topic for Peter. Neal wasn’t the only one who lost something. He lost the Neal he’d fallen in love with and he thought he’d lost the Neal who was capable of falling in love with him. Their children, Nicky in particular, lost their daddy. From what Peter’s told her though, it sounded like Neal’s fatherly abilities were returning.

It took time to get Neal to where he is right now and everyone in the bureau acknowledged that. No one discussed Neal out of respect for Peter. Most of them didn’t know what happened to him, but everyone could see how miserable Peter had been when he came back after rescuing Neal. Since then, he’d become so much happier and it was obvious that things in his and Neal’s life were getting back on track.

“He knows now that he’s better than that in addition to knowing that he has a better life now,” she said gently. “You saved him, Peter, and gave him a family that loves him unconditionally.”

Peter nodded silently as he glanced at the picture of Neal on his desk. “At least he’s at peace and happier now,” he whispered. He could see the difference between Neal in that picture on his desk and the Neal he has grown to love even more than before. Perhaps it was time to update the pictures on his desk. They were all a little dated. Hell, the picture he had of Nicky was from several years ago. Nicky has changed a lot since then.

Even as he glanced at his and Neal’s wedding picture, he could see a difference in Neal. Neal was genuinely happy in that picture, but he didn’t look or feel as free as he looks and feels now. He wasn’t going to replace their wedding picture though. That was the best day of his life because he’d become Neal’s husband and he was officially Nicky’s second father. It was the day he bound himself to his first two loves.

Diana left after a few minutes of watching Peter gaze at the pictures on his desk. She knew he was reminiscing and thinking about things, so she respected him enough to let him do that with some privacy.

Peter sighed and glanced at his phone, realizing he’d forgotten to respond to Neal’s last text message. There was a new message from Neal though. “ _I’m so sorry. That was probably really inappropriate of me to do while you’re at work. I won’t do that again._ ” 

Smiling a little to himself, he quickly replied and told Neal: “I don’t mind. I daydream about you anyway, but seeing you on my phone makes me happy—even if it’s not a picture of your face. You can send me as many pictures as you’d like, sweetheart. I didn’t respond right away because I was in a meeting and then had a private conversation with Diana. I’d like to let you know that you’re in for quite the ride later.”

Rather than setting his phone down, Peter scrolled back up to the dick pic Neal sent him and opened the image file so he could look at a bigger version of it. Neal was on his knees on their bed when he sent Peter the picture and that made Peter smile a little more.

Neal interrupted his consideration in regards to heading into the bathroom so he could masturbate to the picture Neal sent him. “ _Oh. I thought you were mad at me… I’m looking forward to that ride. While I be riding above or below the seat?_ ”

Smirking, Peter responded, “I’m not mad at you at all. Which position would you prefer?”

Almost instantaneously, Neal texted, “ _I’d prefer to ride below, but I’m very open to riding above as well._ ”

Peter considered his response before hitting the reply button. He, personally, liked when Neal was beneath him, but he admittedly liked having Neal bounce above him. He just couldn’t thrust into his husband the way he wanted to if Neal were above him, but… He could always flip them over at some point. “We’ll start with you above,” he finally said.

Neal took a few minutes to reply to him, but he was moderately patient. He knew Neal was taking care of the twins and probably trying to be as social as he could be with Hannah and Jon since they’d come home. “ _Sounds good to me, my love._ ”

He glanced up from his phone and saw Diana on the phone. He knew she’d let him know right away if Kramer were up to something else, but he also hoped she’d come directly to him if she was given word of Rachel’s whereabouts.

Distracting himself from work again, he thought about his bedroom activities with Neal and texted back, “Do you think we could try switching positions tonight?”

Neal replied: “ _I thought that was implied when you said start, lol._ ”

Sighing to himself, Peter texted, “Well, yes. I was asking if I could try bottoming tonight.”

“ _Oh. Oops. Sorry, babe. If you really want to, we could try it out. We’ll talk about it later?_ ”

Peter thought that sounded fine. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was ready to let Neal top him. Neal promised he’d be gentle and loving with him and he trusts Neal, but he was still afraid of the pain. Neal, after years of being a bottom, still experienced a little pain, so he couldn’t imagine how it would feel for the first time. “Sounds good,” he said in response.

Around lunch time, Neal came into the office since Peter was trying to get some work done. Peter told Neal he had a lot to do and would probably miss out on lunch for the day, so Neal decided to make Peter his beloved deviled ham sandwiches and surprise Peter by coming in.

He walked right up to the doorway and was really surprised by the fact that Peter hadn’t even acknowledged him as he was coming up the stairs and walking past the glass wall. “Am I interrupting?” he said, giving his husband a small smile when Peter finally looked up from his work.

Peter’s face flushed and Neal wondered why Peter became so flustered all of a sudden and began clicking things quickly on his computer as Neal came into the office and shut the door. “I wasn’t expecting you to come in, hon.”

Neal sat down across from Peter and gave him a curious look. “Whatcha working on, lover?” He had a feeling he knew what Peter was doing and it definitely wasn’t work related.

“Stuff,” Peter whispered.

“What kind of stuff?” He didn’t just have a feeling about knowing what Peter was doing. Peter began to sweat and look a little nervous and that worried Neal. He didn’t know what Peter was finding, but it was obviously something he didn’t want to share.

“What’s for lunch?”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “Nothing until you tell me what you were doing in a private browser.” Peter realized Neal saw the reflection of his screen off of the window behind him and he bit his lip. He didn’t want to admit to what he was searching now that Neal was actually here. “Peter, I already know.”

“I know I can ask you things, but I wanted to read about other people’s experiences with bottoming for the first time,” Peter whispered. Neal nodded and Peter could see the concern in Neal’s face.

Neal set the bag he brought their sandwiches in on top of Peter’s desk and said, “Why’d you ask if we could try it if you’re still afraid? I haven’t said something to make you think I want that, have I?”

Peter shook his head and rushed to say, “You haven’t done anything to influence me that way.”

“Then why’d you ask if you’re afraid?”

The older man averted his eyes from Neal and sighed. “Because I do want to try it. I just…”

Neal nodded and gave Peter a reassuring smile when Peter glanced at him again. “I’m patient. There’s no need to rush to do anything like that yet. Besides, I want you to be comfortable and maybe only slightly nervous.” Peter frowned until Neal said, “If you’re uncomfortable and nervous as all get out, it’s going to be incredibly painful because you’ll be tense. Whenever we do this, I’m going to do whatever I can to put your mind at ease, but you’re going to have to convince yourself that you’re safe with me and that I’m not going to intentionally cause you pain.”

“I don’t think you’ll intentionally hurt me, Neal…”

“Well, whatever the cause may be, you’re still afraid of the pain you’ll experience. I know it’ll hurt, but I’m not going to be rough with you. I’m not going to make love to you the way you make love to me to start off, so please don’t worry about the pace.” He reached out and touched Peter’s hand gently, smiling a little more genuinely now. “I’m entirely aware that this will be your first time bottoming, so I’m going to try to make this as painless as possible for you.” Biting his lip for a moment, he whispered, “Do you want me to use a condom?”

Peter’s brows furrowed as he asked, “Why would I want you to use a condom?” Neal shrugged. “I like skin-to-skin contact with you. I don’t want something between us when you’re inside of me for the first time.”

Neal nodded. “I just thought I’d ask. After everything I’ve done with other—”

“Don’t,” Peter said firmly, silencing his husband almost immediately. “Don’t you dare think poorly of yourself for what you had to do to survive in the past. I don’t hold anything against you and I wish you wouldn’t do that to yourself.” Neal only considered it because he knew he’d gotten diseases in the past. Maybe Peter was afraid that he’d have an STD after having Neal inside of him. “I know you’re clean. There’s no risk.”

“I’m just trying to figure out what you’re really afraid of. You’re not afraid of me intentionally hurting you. You’re not afraid of me making love to you without a condom. What is it that you’re actually afraid of?”

There was a brief silence between them. Neal honestly wanted to know what Peter was afraid of so he could alleviate that fear. He definitely wasn’t trying to push Peter into this. He just wanted to know what he could do to make the experience bearable for Peter whenever they get around to it. “How deep inside of me are you planning on going?”

Neal’s brows furrowed as he said, “I don’t have anything planned in regards to that. I don’t have to go that deep to stimulate your prostate, but I will only go as deep as you’re comfortable with me going.”

“So… If I ask you to stop…”

“I stop immediately,” Neal said. “I won’t go any deeper than you feel comfortable going. The second you tell me to stop, I promise I’ll stop. You’ve stopped for me and I love you, so I’m giving you that same courtesy.”

Peter nodded and intertwined their fingers. Neal was giving him a sincere look and he trusted Neal. Neal wouldn’t lie to him about this. He also knew Neal didn’t like when he’s in pain. After experiencing the day Peter had been shot through a memory, Peter knew Neal couldn’t bear watching his husband suffer. Neal would treat him with respect because that’s the kind of man Neal is.

•◊•

Neal waited patiently on his and Peter’s bed that night. Everyone else had gone to sleep, but it was obvious that Peter was still nervous about this. Neal was considering telling Peter that they weren’t going to do it tonight, but he honestly didn’t want to crush Peter or make it seem like he was putting him down. Peter probably just needed a few minutes in their bathroom to get himself ready or calm himself down.

As the minutes turned into an hour, Neal wasn’t entirely sure what to think. He decided to hell with it and slid off of their bed, heading over to the bathroom door. As he was about to knock on the door, he heard Peter crying quietly. It sounded like he was sitting as far away from the door as he possibly could so Neal wouldn’t hear him. A pang of guilt hit Neal hard because he wasn’t sure what to do. There was absolutely no pressure and he wasn’t going to do anything to hurt Peter emotionally or physically, but he didn’t know how to make his husband feel better in general. “Peter,” he said softly. He heard Peter gasp quietly, but Peter didn’t answer. “Peter, can I come in?”

“No,” Peter said thickly.

Neal didn’t particularly want to push his husband, but he said, “I understand that you’re upset. You don’t need to cry alone in the bathroom, sweetheart.”

Peter sniffled a few times before finally telling Neal he could come in. Tentatively, he opened the bathroom door and glanced at his husband. Peter was in his briefs with his knees pulled up to his chest while sitting against the far wall beside the toilet. “I feel incredibly stupid,” Peter said miserably. “I got you all excited and made you wait—and here I am, sitting in our bathroom and crying like a complete idiot.”

The younger man shook his head and moved across the bathroom quickly, getting on his knees in front of his husband, resting his hands on Peter’s knees. “Oh, Peter,” he said quietly. “You have every right to cry. I just wish you would’ve let me come in here or bring you out there and hold you. I really don’t mind doing things the usual way tonight if you feel up to anything. If not, we can just go to bed and curl up together.”

Shaking his head, Peter let out a frustrated sound. “I should be man enough to do this.” He wiped his face roughly and then proceeded to stand up and head back into their bedroom. Neal remained on his knees and stared at the wall sadly. He didn’t understand why Peter thought they had to try this now or never. Peter was never like that with him, so why would he do that to Peter? “Get out here.”

Pushing himself up, Neal went into the bedroom with his husband and sighed quietly. Peter was lying on his back and his briefs were on the floor. “Peter, we—”

“I want you to do it.” Neal honestly didn’t feel good about trying right now. This was bothering Peter so much that it hurt Neal’s heart to watch him try to force himself into this. “Now, Neal.”

Crawling onto the bed, Neal reluctantly moved towards his husband until he was hovering over him. “Why?” he whispered as he stared at his husband’s face.

“Because I said I wanted it earlier. We talked about it and I should be fine. Just do it.”

Neal shook his head. “No. We’re not doing this.” He shifted backwards so that he was resting on his knees and Peter made a sound of disbelief.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because I don’t like that you think you have to let me inside of you to make me happy.” Peter was quiet and Neal knew he was right. “I’m perfectly content with cuddling or something simple. Why do you think I _need_ to be inside of you to feel content with you?”

Peter shrugged and whispered, “Because you’re content when I’m inside of you. I want you to be content inside of me.”

Neal shook his head and laid down on his stomach beside Peter. “I love you without ever being inside of you. Do you honestly think that matters to me?” Peter looked at him and shook his head. “I’m happy with you. I don’t need sex to be happy. I don’t like watching you suffer like this just because you want to make me happy.” Peter frowned up at him as tears began to well up in his eyes. “When I was raped, you didn’t allow me to jump right back into sex because you didn’t think I was ready for it. You knew I was a little afraid even though I wasn’t afraid of you specifically.” Peter closed his eyes and Neal kissed Peter’s shoulder gently. “I don’t think you’re ready for this yet and I know you aren’t afraid of me specifically. Tonight just isn’t the night and that’s completely okay with me.”

“Can I tell you what I’m really afraid of?” Peter asked thickly as his tears ran down the sides of his face.

“Of course,” Neal said instantly.

Peter took a few moments to calm himself down before opening his eyes and glancing at his husband. “I know things are different, but you’ve described the way it felt to have Vincent and Craig inside of you. It sounded horrifying and you described it as though they were physically tearing you apart inside. There have been times when I’ve wondered if I make you feel that way, too.” Neal looked so understanding and Peter was grateful for that. “I know you’re a sweetheart and that you won’t cause me any more pain than is absolutely necessary for my first time, but I’m afraid of feeling the way you felt. When you described the night Vincent took your virginity, you described it as feeling so awful.” Neal wished he could console Peter, but he didn’t really know how to. “I don’t want it to feel like that with you because I love you, but I’m terrified of feeling that amount of agony.”

Neal stared at the older man silently for a few moments as he tried to think of a halfway decent response to Peter’s concern. He completely understood why Peter felt like this, but he wanted to encourage Peter because he knew, deep down, that Peter did want Neal to make love to him the way he’s always made love to Neal. “There’s a difference,” Neal whispered. “When I described those feelings to you, I felt that awful because he was raping me. He didn’t take my virginity into consideration. He just wanted my body. Sex was the only thing I was good for with him most of the time.” He took Peter’s hand in his and said, “You are my husband. I love you so much and I don’t want your first time to be like that at all. I can remember the things he did to me when he had sex with me for the first time. I know what not to do for a first time and I hope you trust me enough to know that I won’t do any of that to you.”

“I’m just afraid of feeling the way you felt. I trust you—I do. I’m just nervous.”

Nodding, Neal whispered, “Don’t worry. We have the rest of our lives to try it out. When you’re ready, we’ll try. If you’re never ready, then that’s okay, too.” Peter shook his head and Neal pushed himself up, shifting so that he was hovering over his husband’s body again. “You’re not weak or unmanly for being unable to do this right now. I don’t think less of you just because I can’t be inside of you tonight.” He leaned forward and kissed his husband, murmuring, “I love you no matter what. I know firsthand that you would do the exact same thing and feel the exact same way if this were me expressing my fears to you.” Peter rested his hands on Neal’s shoulders and kissed the other man lovingly. He was really grateful to have Neal for a husband.

Peter was grateful because Neal understood what it was like to be afraid of sex. Because Neal, unfortunately, knew how that felt, he would never force Peter to do anything sexual since Peter never forced him to do anything. Peter waited for months before admitting that Neal might be ready. _Months._ Neal could handle not being able to make love to his husband regardless of how long he needs to wait. Peter’s comfort is everything to him.

“Thank you,” Peter whispered sincerely as he stroked his husband’s hair gently. “I’m really sorry for bringing it up when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go through with it.”

Neal shrugged. “No worries, lover. I have one request though.” Peter nodded, feeling like he’d do anything for Neal since Neal graciously backed off—not that he’d had to back off since he hadn’t pushed anything in the first place. “The next time you feel like you’re ready and you begin to consider the way you’re feeling or the way you’ll feel, please talk to me. You don’t have to look things up online or sit in the bathroom alone while crying.” Peter’s face heated up until Neal kissed him sweetly. “I’m not ridiculing you. I’m asking you to come to me because you’ve always been here for me. Let me be here for you, too.”

Peter nodded. “I will. Next time, I’ll just talk to you directly.” Neal smiled at him, appreciating that. He honestly didn’t want tonight to repeat itself. Hearing Peter cry in the bathroom hurt him and he wanted to do whatever he could to reassure Peter that there was no reason to feel pressured or unmanly about this. “Even though I kind of ruined the mood…” Neal raised an eyebrow. “Can I… Can I make love to you?”

Grinning, Neal whispered, “The mood isn’t ruined.”

The older man flipped them so that he was pinning Neal to the bed beneath him. Neal’s grin never faltered as Peter mouthed the fading hickeys and bite marks on his husband’s body. He thought he was going to ride his husband tonight, but he decided he’d let Peter do whatever the hell Peter wanted to because he wants Peter to feel relaxed and like he’s in control.

Despite being uncomfortable and unable to let Neal inside of his own body, he didn’t have a problem slipping into Neal’s. Neal told him to just shove in and Peter did. He listened to every sound and felt every muscle jerk Neal experienced as he was making love to him.

In the middle of everything, Peter paused to ask, “Can you tell me what all of this feels like to you?”

Neal’s eyes were closed and his lips were parted as though he were in ecstasy. “It feels like heaven.” Peter wanted a serious answer and he was about to say that, but he realized Neal’s answer was serious. “I love having you inside of me, Peter. You’re so warm and _thick._ ” He opened his eyes and met Peter’s gaze, giving the older man a small smile. “In all honesty, when you’re inside of me, I feel complete—like I’m a jigsaw puzzle that’s missing one piece. When you’re inside of me, you complete the puzzle.”

“Wow,” Peter whispered, awed by that. Despite being as afraid as he felt, Neal described how he was feeling so beautifully.

Neal rubbed his thumbs over Peter’s shoulder blades. “When you’re not inside of me, I wish you were. I know I’m making it sound like the best thing in the world after you expressed your fears to me, but I’m being completely honest with you.” Peter believed him. His husband wouldn’t say these things just for the sake of saying them. If he said them, he meant them. “I don’t feel that sense of absolute completion until you’re inside of me,” he whispered. “You complete the puzzle that is my happiness when you’re with me, but being inside of me completes another puzzle.”

All of this was actually making Peter feel a little better. Whenever he felt ready for Neal to make love to him, he knew Neal would take care of him. Because Neal feels like this, he knew Neal would want him to have that same experience of happiness and completion. “I love you so much.”

Before Neal had the chance to respond, Peter was kissing him fiercely and thrusting into him deeply. Neal’s moans of pleasure and the feel of Neal’s fingernails digging into his skin—they were the only response Peter needed as he made love to his husband.

When Neal came undone and laid beneath him, panting and whispering sweet things to him, Peter knew Neal would make him feel similarly. Neal was just oozing satisfaction and joy after climaxing—and Neal’s sounds when Peter climaxed were just as beautiful, satisfactory, and joyful.

After watching and listening to his husband every time they made love, he imagined that his thoughts of being a bottom were blown out of proportion. How bad could it possibly be if he made Neal feel so wonderfully?


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal gets himself into a little trouble with Peter...

“Are you sure this is even legal?”

Mozzie turned to look at the younger man, giving him a disapproving look. “Don’t question the legality of what I’m doing, mon frère.” Neal rolled his eyes as he followed Mozzie closely through a hotel lobby. “You asked me to look into this, but we both know I’m a bit quirky in appearance, so—”

Neal muttered, “A bit is an understatement…”

“I brought you along because you look like you belong here and I’m just an acquaintance of yours.” As they neared the hotel clerk, Mozzie glanced up at his best friend. “Do you remember what you’re supposed to say so we can get in?”

“I lost memories _before_ waking up that day. I don’t have short term memory loss, Moz,” Neal said irritably. Mozzie nodded, knowing Neal was always sensitive when Mozzie didn’t mean to insult him. They approached the clerk and Neal threw on a very charming smile, the kind of smile a conman used. “Good morning,” he said cordially.

The woman smiled at him and Mozzie could see that she was instantly attracted to the younger man. Despite being close to forty years old, Neal looked considerably young. “Good morning. How can I help you, sir?”

He chuckled and said, “I’m here to visit my dad. He didn’t give me the key to get in, but he wanted me to head up when I got here.”

She nodded. “Your father’s name?”

“Phillip Kramer.”

Mozzie was heading over to the elevator to wait for Neal. “Ah, yes. He’s in room fifty on the third floor.” She turned around and grabbed the key for the room. As predicted, she hadn’t asked for any verification of identification and Neal was grateful for that. Even if she had, Mozzie had gotten a forged ID for Neal to use. “Have a nice stay with your father, Mister Kramer.” Neal flashed his smile at her and winked before thanking her and making his way towards the elevator that just opened.

“So, Byron Kramer, how did things work out?”

Neal glared at his friend and said, “Fantastically, but I’m really disgusted by the fact that I’m pretending to be related to the asshole trying to arrest me.” Mozzie smiled a little. “I have a key. He’s staying in room fifty.” Pressing the button for the third floor, he murmured, “I really hope Peter doesn’t find out about this. He’ll probably kill me.”

Mozzie knew Neal was reluctant to do this from the start simply because he didn’t want to be caught. Fortunately, they knew Kramer was out of the building because Peter texted Neal to complain about Kramer several times in the last half hour. “As long as he doesn’t ask, you don’t have to lie. We’ll pretend like we were never here.”

“Just don’t touch anything,” Neal hissed. “If you leave one fingerprint for Peter to find, I’m telling him you coerced me into this when we get caught by Kramer.” Mozzie rolled his eyes as the elevator opened. He followed Neal out of it and Neal glanced around briefly before heading in the direction he assumed room fifty was in. “We’re going to have to play the clerk again when we leave because she can’t tell Kramer we were here. I don’t think the asshole was ever decent enough to start a family, so he more than likely doesn’t have any children.”

“All you have to say is that he changed plans so you wouldn’t have to come all the way out here. Hand the key back to her, thank her again, and charm her into believing you’re embarrassed by not getting his text sooner. Knowing you, she’ll be more than happy to keep it a secret between the two of you.”

Neal sighed as he stopped in front of the door. “I really don’t like this.” Mozzie took the key from him and Neal let out a sound of frustration as Mozzie unlocked the room. Upon walking in, Neal gasped. Mozzie pulled him further into the room and shut the door, locking it. When Mozzie turned around, Neal was standing at Kramer’s bedside, staring at pictures of _his_ husband. “Jesus Christ,” Neal said, sounding beyond surprised. “He is obsessed with Peter.” He was disgusted because these pictures were probably taken without Peter’s knowledge when Peter was younger. They looked unintentionally provocative. Peter was deeply in the closet at the time these pictures were likely to have been taken, so Neal knew Peter didn’t consent to having Kramer snap pictures of him.

Mozzie watched Neal pull his phone out and take a picture of the nightstand. “Evidence?”

“He can’t claim there’s no infatuation with my husband after this,” Neal whispered. “I know Peter won’t appreciate this. He and I are married and I’d never take pictures of him like this and print them out.” On the bed itself was another picture and Neal’s jaw tensed as he stared at that one in particular. He took a picture of it as well. “Sick fucker,” Neal hissed. The picture on the bed was obviously photoshopped. Peter’s face had obviously been plastered onto an image of a man who was naked because there was no way in hell Peter ever posed in the nude for Kramer since he knew Kramer was allegedly homophobic. Aside from that, he knew it wasn’t Peter because Peter’s dick was definitely not that small and Neal couldn’t see Peter’s length extending so drastically from that point to now. As far as Neal was concerned, Peter was at least three times that size now.

“Neal.” Neal spun when Mozzie called his name quietly. He neared the older man and glanced at an open folder that was lying on top of a small table. “I think his plot in regards to getting you out of the picture is becoming considerably desperate.” Neal stared at a folder detailing Neal’s entire life with small notes.

It was a true struggle to refrain from picking this folder up and taking it with him to show Peter. “If he goes _anywhere_ near my children,” Neal growled, “I will fucking kill him.” The notes on the paper detailed Nicky’s school schedule from being dropped off until he was picked up. A very primal fury was building up inside of him at the very thought that Kramer would kidnap Nicky just to get rid of him. Nicky is innocent and doesn’t deserve to be dragged into this mess. “I need to tell Peter.”

Before Neal could do anything, Mozzie gripped his arm and said, “We’ve illegally obtained information, Neal. He wouldn’t be able to use it against Kramer without you being taken down.” Neal’s jaw was tense and Mozzie could see the rage in Neal’s eyes. He knew how protective Neal was when it came to his children, but there was always something different when the situation involved Nicky. Mozzie understood because he’d been with Neal throughout all of Nicky’s life. He’d been the one to encourage Neal to bring his son home. “If the Suit manages to get a warrant to investigate a suspicion against Kramer, we can give him this evidence. Until then, it wouldn’t be usable in a courtroom setting.”

He knew Mozzie was right, but he didn’t like it. He took a picture of the folder as well as a way of preserving evidence. If Kramer were arrested and they searched his hotel room, at least Neal had unaltered evidence in his phone. “If he goes after Nicky to get to me, he’ll suffer ten times the suffering he inflicts on my son.” Mozzie knew Neal was protective before, but, from what he’s gathered since coming back into the Burkes’ life, Neal was a different kind of man now. God only knows what lengths Neal would go to now to retaliate for anything done to Nicky. “I get that he wants to hurt me, but my son has no reason to be involved.” Mozzie nodded, agreeing with the younger man. “I wish I could show this to Peter.”

“You can show it to him…” Mozzie eventually said. “You just can’t press charges against him since you illegally obtained this. In addition to that, he’d discover what we did to get in here, so…”

“God damn it. Playing by the rules is awful sometimes.”

Mozzie cocked his eyebrow, asking, “You want to do this illegally?”

Neal shook his head. “I don’t want to do anything I’ll be sent to prison for. Peter wouldn’t be able to protect me and I don’t know if you’d be able win against Kramer.”

Scoffing, the short man said, “I’m capable of a great many things, mon frère. Getting you out of legal trouble is certainly something I’m capable of. Given the circumstances, he’s evidently obsessed with your husband and is somehow going to bring your son into this.”

Before Neal could put his phone into his pocket so they could leave, his phone went off. Glancing at it, he muttered, “Shit,” before lifting the phone to his ear. “Hello, lover.”

“ _Neal, where are you now?_ ” Neal tensed up as he wondered how Peter knew he wasn’t home. “ _I was told that a certain someone managed to slip his tail this morning about an hour after I left the house._ ”

Glancing at the folder, he said, “I’m out with Mozzie.”

Peter sighed. “ _That doesn’t tell me where you are._ ”

“I, uh…” Mozzie gave him a look and Neal knew he wasn’t going to be able to lie to his husband without feeling extremely guilty. He didn’t want to turn on Mozzie, but he also didn’t want to lie to Peter. He lives with Peter and shares a bed with Peter, so his brain worked slightly in Peter’s favor. “I’m somewhere I’d rather not say because I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing.”

“ _I swear to God I’ll invest in one of those monitoring devices so I can keep track of where you are at all times. Where are you and what are you doing?_ ”

He and Mozzie left the hotel room and headed towards the elevator after locking up. “A monitoring device wouldn’t be able to tell you what I’m doing. It would only show you where I am.” He was honestly trying to deflect because he didn’t want to make something up or piss Mozzie off. He could tell Peter everything in private and in person later. He just didn’t want to say it over the phone or with Mozzie in his presence.

It was incredibly obvious that Peter was getting upset with him. “ _Neal, what the hell did Mozzie get you into?_ ”

“Nothing serious,” he muttered.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, Neal found himself face to face with his husband. He froze and looked horrified, wondering how the hell Peter knew where he’d gone. “Get in,” he said firmly.

Neal glanced at Mozzie and Mozzie backed off, saying, “I’ll take the next ride down.”

Grimacing, Neal stepped into the elevator with his husband and disconnected his call with Peter, shoving his phone into his jacket’s pocket. He bit his lip as the elevator doors slid to a close. “I hope you know everything you did here was illegal,” Peter said icily. “As soon as Jones told me you managed to slip out of his sight, I pulled up the app to track your watch.” Neal closed his eyes and realized that was how Peter found him. “You and I are going to have a very serious conversation when we get back to the bureau.”

“You’re taking me in?” he asked incredulously once Peter finally hit the button to take them down to the lobby. “Peter, I—”

“I obviously put too much faith in leaving you home with my parents. My parents failed to tell me you wandered out of the house with Mozzie. Since I can’t seem to trust you to stay out of harm’s way and to stay on the correct side of the law, I’m going to take you to work with me for the rest of the day.”

Neal glanced at him warily and could see how angry Peter was without having Peter actually look at him. “I’m not a child, Peter,” he whispered.

Peter growled, “Then act like an adult, God damn it.” The rest of the elevator ride was silent and Neal felt awful. As soon as the doors opened, Peter gripped his arm roughly and pulled him along. “I hope you’re planning to return the key to the desk.”

“I was going to,” he assured Peter. As they rounded the corner to the clerk’s desk, Peter released Neal, but stood close to him because he wanted to know what Neal said to get access to the room he’d been in. “Hey,” he said amicably. Peter watched his husband slip into a whole new personality and figured he would have a very heated discussion with Mozzie as well eventually. “My dad called while I was in the room,” he said, sounding sheepish. “He changed the location of where he wants me to meet him. I told him I wasn’t already here because I didn’t want him to feel bad.” He chuckled a little and she smiled at him, making Peter slightly sick in the process. “So how about we keep it between us that I made a fool of myself?”

She giggled a little and nodded. “Sure thing, Mister Kramer.” Peter’s eyes widened and Neal glanced up at him for a moment, watching Peter’s surprise shift into anger. He gave the key back to the clerk and winked at her before turning and leaving with Peter.

Nervously, Neal glanced up at Peter again. “I’m really pissed at you right now. Not only did you break into a hotel room illegally, but you broke into a Federal agent’s hotel room and impersonated a Federal agent’s family member.”

“Oh, please,” Neal snapped. “Wait until I show you what I found in his fucking room, Peter.”

Peter looked surprised by Neal’s attitude and they paused once they were outside. “What exactly did you find?” Neal crossed his arms over his chest and stared up at Peter defiantly. “I already know about your illegal activities in this building. You might as well just finish telling me everything.” Neal still wasn’t talking and Peter sighed in frustration, pulling handcuffs out of his pocket. “If I have to use these, I will.”

“Ooh. Kinky sex?” Neal said sarcastically.

Rolling his eyes, Peter said, “This is exactly how you’re acting like a child. You’re acting like a spoiled, petulant, little brat.” Neal looked extremely offended by that description and Peter knew he overdid it. “Act like a grown up and get into the Taurus so we can have this conversation in private,” he said gruffly, leading Neal to the Taurus. They both slid into the car and Peter turned enough to look at Neal. “Talk. Now.”

“Take me home and I’ll talk.” Peter’s jaw tensed and then he gave his husband a slight nod, starting up the car after they buckled themselves in. He started heading home and Neal waited a few moments before speaking again. “It’s painfully and disgustingly apparent that Kramer has an obsession with you.” Peter’s brows furrowed. “He took pictures of you that I know were innocent pictures, but the way he took them makes it look very provocative.”

“How so?”

“You were turned at an angle and bending over, so he took a picture of your ass. There was another one where you were making your orgasm face and—”

Peter made a sound and said, “My _orgasm face?_ ”

Neal raised an eyebrow as he said, “When I’m lying on my back with you inside of me, I typically watch your face when you orgasm, so yes. He has a picture of you making a similar expression to that of your orgasm face.” Peter was staring at traffic in disbelief as he continued driving, so Neal added, “I took a picture of the disturbing things I found in his hotel room, so I can show them to you when we get home.”

“Yeah. I think I need to see those as soon as we get home.”

The second they arrived at their home, Peter took Neal upstairs. Neal figured they were going to talk alone in their bedroom, but he wondered why Peter went into their bathroom. He didn’t follow at first, but Peter asked him to come in. “Okay. So do you want me to show you the pictures?” Peter nodded and stood beside his husband as Neal unlocked his phone. Neal handed Peter the phone after he opened the first picture, showing Peter all of the pictures Kramer had framed on the nightstand—of Peter.

“What the hell?” Peter gasped as he stared at the pictures. He didn’t know how Kramer had taken any of these pictures without him realizing it. When he slid to the next image, his jaw dropped and he looked at Neal frantically as he rushed to say, “I did _not_ pose nude for him. I swear to you I never did that.”

“It’s something he edited. I’m fairly certain your dick wasn’t that small in your adult life.” Peter chuckled when he realized that. “He must have a very low opinion of you if he thinks you’re not huge.” When Peter looked at him, Neal could see that he was arousing his husband. Grinning, he kissed Peter’s jaw and said, “I don’t know how you fit inside of me sometimes.”

“You’re not small yourself,” Peter complimented in response. “The first time I had you naked in bed, I had no idea if I’d be able to swallow all of you.”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal retorted, “You’re thicker and longer than me.”

Peter shook his head and said, “Why are we talking about this when Kramer’s disgustingly obsessed with me enough to edit my face onto some other man’s naked body?” Neal shrugged and watched Peter’s face when Peter slid to the next image, the image of the folder. His brows furrowed as he zoomed in a bit and read what Neal had focused on. “He wrote about Nicky,” Peter whispered, horrified. “I need to make sure he’s okay.”

“I’ll go with you,” Neal said instantly.

Unfortunately, Peter had other things in mind when Neal lifted his hand to get his phone back from Peter. Instantaneously, Peter slipped a handcuff onto Neal’s wrist. Eyes wide, Neal watched Peter handcuff him to the shower curtain bar above their bathtub. He stared at Peter in surprise, wondering why the hell Peter handcuffed him. “You aren’t going anywhere. If the toilet were closer to the shower, I’d have handcuffed you in our bedroom bathroom.”

“You can’t be serious,” Neal said exasperatedly.

“Sorry, honey.” He tried to give Neal a kiss and Neal shoved him with his other hand. “I love you. I’ll be back soon.” Just to irritate Neal further, Peter slipped Neal’s phone into his pocket, indicating that he was taking Neal’s phone with him. Neal kept gaping at him until he finally shut the bathroom door, leaving his frustrated husband in his disbelief in their bathroom.

When Peter went downstairs, Jon and Hannah asked, “Where’s Neal?”

“He’s in the bathroom. No matter what he says, don’t try to help him.” His parents looked at him concernedly and he sighed. “I had to cuff him because I don’t want him wandering around the city aimlessly until he gets himself killed. He went out and obtained information illegally, so I’m teaching him a lesson and he’s staying in there until I come home.”

“When are you coming home?” Hannah asked a moment later, wondering how long her son-in-law was going to be kept in the bathroom.

Peter sighed. “When I drop Nicky off after school. I’m going there to check things out because Neal found something that my boss might be planning regarding Nicky. The last thing I want is for him to take our son.” Jon and Hannah nodded and Peter glanced at the stairway when he heard Neal kick the trashcan in their bathroom in frustration. He was obviously trying to free himself. “You can feed him and give him something to drink, but _do not_ help him get out of the handcuffs.” With that said, Peter left the house to investigate his son’s high school.

•◊•

Peter, unintentionally and unfortunately, came home later than anticipated. Despite trying to hurry things up at work, he was kept three hours overtime. As he was driving home, he knew Neal was going to be extremely pissed off. Not only did he skip lunch with Neal, but he left Neal handcuffed to the rod for several hours.

The second he was home, he went up to the bathroom and found his husband standing on the ledge of their bathtub. He looked like he was in pain and Peter felt awful. Neal’s eyes were closed, but his arm was bent on the rod as best as he could manage so he could get circulation going in his arm again. “I was beginning to think you were never coming home.”

Glancing at the glass of water and snacks on the sink countertop, he figured everyone gave him something to eat throughout the day. It wasn’t like they abandoned him. Nicky came home and was surprised to find his father restrained to their bathtub’s curtain rod, but Neal told him not to worry about it. He also thought Peter would be coming home earlier than he had.

Immediately, Peter neared his husband and unlocked the handcuffs, helping Neal down to the floor moments later. “I’m so sorry,” he said sincerely. The second Neal’s feet were on the floor, he shoved Peter and called him an asshole before storming out of the bathroom. Within seconds, their bedroom door slammed.

Peter sighed. He wanted to join Neal in their bedroom, but he figured Neal probably didn’t want to be around him for the rest of the night—if not longer. He’d left Neal handcuffed to the rod for about twelve hours, so Peter really couldn’t blame Neal for not wanting to be around him.

He knew he wasn’t going to be allowed into his bed tonight, so he just went downstairs and laid on the couch. He laid there without being able to fall asleep for three hours before he heard someone coming down the stairway. His eyes were closed and he was facing the back of the couch, but he wasn’t asleep. “Do you want to come to bed with me?” Neal asked quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m really pissed off, but I can’t sleep without you.” Turning over, Peter glanced up at his husband. Neal was in his robe and Peter could see his bare legs. “I swear to God, if you even think about having sex with me tonight—”

“I wasn’t,” Peter said hurriedly. “I wasn’t, honey. I really don’t deserve sex right now.” Neal raised an eyebrow and Peter mentally slapped himself. “Not to say that I _deserve_ sex when I don’t fuck things up. I just—Neal, you know what I meant.” He turned over and sighed. “I’ll just shut up and sleep down here.”

Neal let out a sigh of his own. “Please come to bed,” he pleaded quietly. “I don’t want to sleep without you.” Peter turned over yet again and he could see how much Neal wanted him to come to bed just by looking at Neal’s face for a few moments. They were both so used to sleeping together that it was beyond difficult to sleep alone. Peter was physically incapable of sleeping when Neal wasn’t beside him. If he exhausted himself enough, he could, but he wouldn’t willingly fall asleep without Neal. “Please,” he whispered. “Don’t make me get on my knees and beg you.”

Peter pushed himself up when Neal said that. The last thing he wanted Neal to do was beg him. Neal should never have to beg him to come to bed. “Okay,” he said softly, standing in front of his husband a moment later. He gripped Neal’s hips gently and kissed Neal’s forehead. Neal rested his hands on Peter’s chest and closed his eyes, wanting Peter’s lips to linger against his skin a little longer. “I’m sorry for not coming home earlier. I should’ve just come home for lunch and took your handcuffs off then.” Neal shrugged because he really didn’t want to talk about this. He’s tired and wants to sleep with his husband. “I didn’t confront Kramer about the pictures you showed me of his hotel room, but I checked on Nicky’s high school and left a few agents I trust in the area. There was no suspicious activity and Nicky was safe. I’m keeping those agents there until we can finally figure out why Kramer has information regarding our child’s schedule.”

“If he goes anywhere near Nick, I’ll blow his fucking brains out,” Neal whispered fiercely, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. Peter’s eyes were wide, but he didn’t doubt that Neal would do just as he said. Especially this version of Neal. He’s so much stronger than he was before. He doesn’t let his past overwhelm him. Peter knew Neal would go to great lengths until he killed whoever interfered in their lives now.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to let Kramer get to him,” Peter assured his husband. “For now, I think it’s time for us to go to bed.” Neal nodded and straightened up, taking Peter’s hand in his. Peter smiled a little when Neal led him up the stairs and into their bedroom. He really appreciated Neal’s forgiveness at times. He hadn’t meant to leave Neal handcuffed in their bathroom for hours upon hours, but he completely understood that Neal was pissed at him for that. He’d even admitted it just now, too. Peter appreciates Neal’s honesty and knew damn well they weren’t going to make love tonight. Whenever they did though, it was going to be some really hot make-up sex…

Neal closed their bedroom door as Peter began to remove his shirt and pants. When Peter glanced at his husband, Neal hung his robe on the back of their door and Peter raised an eyebrow as he stared at his husband’s naked ass. He wasn’t expecting Neal to be completely nude with him tonight, but it was nice nonetheless. “Skin to skin contact,” Neal murmured as he nodded towards Peter’s briefs and proceeded to get into bed. Peter was definitely not going to argue with that, so he stripped his underwear and joined Neal in bed, lying down behind him, tossing his arm over Neal’s midsection and pulling him a little closer.

Both men were able to get comfortable with each other rather quickly and Peter couldn’t help the fact that he was getting hard against his husband’s naked body. “Fuck,” he muttered to himself as he tried to will his erection away. He didn’t know how quickly Neal was going to fall asleep and he didn’t want Neal to get even more upset with him. When he couldn’t lessen his arousal, he shifted his lower half away from Neal.

Much to Peter’s surprise, Neal grabbed his hip and urged him to press himself closer. Reluctantly, Peter did what Neal wanted and Neal whispered, “I’m really not in the mood to participate actively, but you can get yourself off if you’d like.”

“Using your body?”

“Yeah,” Neal said softly. “I don’t mind.”

Peter shook his head and whispered, “I’ll never do that to you.”

Neal sighed. “How about I verbally participate? Will you do it then?” Peter remained silent and Neal sighed again. He rested his hand over Peter’s and whispered, “I’m awake and consenting. I just don’t feel like moving. I’m not going to fall asleep when you’re making love to me.”

“Neal, I don’t do things like that,” Peter said firmly. “If you can’t participate and enjoy it with me, I don’t want to do it.”

Groaning, Neal muttered, “If you make me turn over, I’m going to be the one shoving into you.” Peter knew Neal wasn’t being cruel. He’s frustrated and exhausted, so Peter wasn’t really taking this to heart—except for Neal’s consent to have sex with him now. Neal began to squirm around in front of his husband and Peter smacked his ass, eliciting a yelp as Neal jumped a bit. “What the hell was that for?”

Peter murmured, “Don’t wiggle your ass against me. I know what you’re trying to do.” Neal shifted to lie on his stomach and said something along the lines of ‘go fuck yourself then.’ Peter stared at his husband’s back and sighed. It would definitely be nice to be inside of his husband because Neal obviously forgave him enough to let him make love with him. “I’m not that hard anymore anyway...”

“Great,” Neal snapped. The older man didn’t move to press himself against Neal because he was getting pissed at himself for continuing to piss his husband off. “I don’t know why you need to make a big deal out of it. You were hard and I’m tired. I gave you permission to screw me and you’re being—”

“Do you just want me to go back downstairs? This isn’t working right now.” Neal silenced himself immediately and just laid there. He didn’t want Peter to leave the room, but he couldn’t help being irritated with Peter. “Honey.” Neal continued to remain silent. “Okay. Fine.”

Before Peter had the opportunity to throw the blanket aside and slide out of bed, Neal rolled over and laid on him. “Don’t leave,” he whispered. Peter sighed and rested his right hand on Neal’s back. “We need to talk about this someday,” he added quietly. “Just not right now. We’re both tired and irritated.” Peter agreed with him. He honestly didn’t want to get out of bed, so he was glad Neal grabbed him. “I love you a lot. I’m sorry for how I’m acting right now. I’m sorry for calling you an asshole earlier.”

Peter chuckled and said, “I would’ve called me an asshole, too, if I were you.” Neal rested his right hand on Peter’s bare chest, stroking his skin slowly. “I love you a lot, too, angel. You don’t have to apologize. You’re justified in being pissed at me.” He smiled when Neal threw his leg over both of his. Kissing Neal’s hair, he whispered, “I’m really sorry for today. What you did today was illegal, but it definitely put a lot into perspective. I’m going to work on obtaining some legal evidence to get a search warrant for his hotel room. For the time being, we can’t use the pictures you took as anything credible.”

“I want this son of a bitch to go to hell,” Neal murmured. “He and Rachel are going down one way or another…”

“It’d probably be easier to get them both if they were working together,” Peter mused. “He’s diabolical enough and enough of an asshole, so it’s quite possible they’d make good partners. In the end, it’d be killing two birds with one stone.”

Neal shuddered. “Let’s not make this worse. They’re bad enough alone, so let’s not combine them.”

Peter nodded and held Neal against him a little tighter, squeezing him for a moment before Neal lifted his head and kissed his husband. Despite their frustration and tiredness, Peter could see just how much Neal really loves him. Gliding his fingers over Neal’s warm skin, Peter whispered, “Let’s get some rest. We have a lot to talk about later…”


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter have some relationship issues they need to work through.

In the days that followed Neal’s invasion into Kramer’s hotel room, things were slightly tense between Neal and Peter. The younger man forgave his husband, but Peter was the one causing issues between them and their relationship. What upset Neal was that these were petty issues between them and neither Rachel nor Kramer had influenced any of these issues Peter was making a big deal of. Because Peter kept causing the issues, he kept leaving for hours on end without telling anyone where he was going. That was pissing Neal off more than anything. He tried to ask if Peter felt like making love the previous night and Peter left. From eleven-thirty that night until nearly eight o’clock this evening, he hadn’t seen or heard from Peter.

Neal made dinner for the kids since Peter’s parents went out for a date night at Neal’s insistence, but Neal himself couldn’t eat. He left leftovers in the refrigerator with a sticky note attached to it so Peter could heat it up if he wanted to whenever he came home. Nicky was worried about his daddy because he could see how upset he was. Neal took care of them as usual, but he just wasn’t nearly as happy as he was with Peter around. In order to relax himself a little, Neal took the twins up into his bedroom bathroom so he could give them a bath.

He’d washed them up rather quickly and was now sitting beside the bathtub with a small smile on his face as he watched the twins play in the water. They were splashing each other and occasionally splashed him as well, but he was enjoying it. With all of the tension between him and Peter, seeing his little ones happy was boosting his spirits.

Reaching into the tub, Neal gently splashed them and they gleefully cried, “Daddy! Daddy!” as they giggled at him and splashed him. He just laughed because it didn’t take a whole lot to please them. They were content with having his attention and he was happy to give it to them. “Play, daddy?” Joey said when Neal stopped splashing them a few moments later. “Daddy, play!”

“Daddy was playing,” he said as he chuckled. “Brie and Joey should play a little before it’s night-night time.” Instead of hitting the water and splashing Neal gently, Joey intentionally made a wave and splashed his daddy, soaking Neal’s face and shirt. “Well then.” He began to splash his son and grinned when Joey giggled at him in such an adorable way. They weren’t just simple giggles. They were an overjoyed bout of giggles. Joey continued splashing his daddy and Neal kept doing the same to the toddler. When Brie joined in on the fun, Neal couldn’t help laughing as happily as his twins.

Eventually, Joey stood up and grabbed Neal’s hands as he giggled something that sounded close to, “Daddy, stop!”

Neal smiled softly at his son before kissing his forehead. He helped Joey sit back down and rubbed Brie’s cheek gently, smiling at her as well. “My beautiful kiddos,” he said quietly. “I love you both so much.” They smiled up at him and then he saw their attention shift and he closed his eyes, knowing who was standing behind him. “Dinner’s in the fridge.”

“I…” He sighed. “You and I need to talk.” Neal glanced up at his husband sadly and Peter shook his head. “We’re not talking about divorcing unless you want to. We just need to talk in general.”

“You’re the one who ran from me,” Neal whispered. “I didn’t tell you to leave.”

Peter nodded and said, “I know that. I took some time to think about things though.” Neal frowned as he looked away from his husband. He was getting really tired of this. He just wanted to be happy with his husband and their children, but it seemed like things weren’t going to work out on the ‘happy with his husband’ front. “How’re you doing, honey?”

Shrugging, Neal glanced up at Peter again and whispered, “Did you honestly expect me to be happy without you here?” Peter didn’t respond and Neal shook his head, focusing on their twins. He let them play a little longer and told Peter to go downstairs and eat.

While Peter was eating, Neal took their twins out of the bathtub, dried them, dressed them, and put them to bed. He stayed in their room until he knew they were about to fall asleep. Neal was thinking about what Peter wanted to talk about and he wasn’t entirely sure if he should be thrilled or afraid. All he knew was that he was tired of whatever this was that was going on between them. He was trying to make things better for the two of them, but it felt like Peter was resisting and trying to sabotage their relationship.

Sighing, he headed downstairs after the twins were asleep. He’d enjoyed playing with them and they’d liked spending time with him, too, but his entire mood just…evaporated when Peter finally came home. What was that saying about them? He felt awful, thinking maybe this was his heart telling him he and Peter shouldn’t stay together. Cursing his heart and telling it to get over the drama, he headed into the kitchen to not find Peter eating dinner, but rather find Peter drinking directly from their bottle of wine while sitting on the floor with his back against the counter. “He’s gonna walk away. He’s gonna take the kids and abandon you.” Neal’s brows furrowed as he listened to his husband who hadn’t realized he was in the kitchen just yet. “You deserve it. Treating him like shit lately…” He gulped down quite a bit of the bottle in one go and that concerned Neal. “Neal…” he moaned. He began thrusting his pelvis upwards and Neal wondered how Peter had just gone from thinking Neal would leave him to wanting to have sex with Neal. “Baby, don’t leave…” he whispered. “I love you so much…”

Neal couldn’t listen to this anymore. He crossed the kitchen and sank to his knees in front of his husband. “Hey,” he said softly, framing the sides of Peter’s face with his hands. “Hey. Look at me.” He waited until Peter opened his eyes and looked up at him blearily. It was considerably obvious that Peter came downstairs, skipped dinner, and went straight to getting himself drunk, but Neal didn’t understand why. “I love you, you big idiot. I’m not going to leave you.”

“You should,” Peter whispered brokenly. His gaze was unfocused, but Neal could see that Peter was trying to focus on him. He was honestly putting effort into doing so because he wanted to see his husband’s face.

“I don’t want to,” Neal said quietly. “Unless you tell me you spent nearly twenty-four hours away from me to go be with some other man, I—”

Neal made a quiet, startled sound as Peter grabbed him and shoved him while moving himself. Neal’s back hit the hard kitchen floor and Peter was hovering over him between his legs. “Never,” he growled as he leaned down, nipping at Neal’s neck gently. “Nobody is you. You’re everything.”

Gasping, Neal tried to consider his options quickly. Option one was to get Peter up to bed so Peter wouldn’t do something he regrets. Option two was to let Peter have his way with him right here on the kitchen floor.

Knowing Peter would loathe himself for having sex with Neal while drunk, Neal went with option one. “You’re everything to me, too,” he said breathlessly as Peter began to grind against him. His body was screaming for option two, but his mind and heart already chose option one. “Babe, can you stop?” Peter bit into his neck roughly and Neal made a pained sound. “Peter, that’s enough.” Peter began to lift Neal’s shirt while grinding into him harder and Neal began to fight back. “Peter, I said stop. Peter, stop.” He grabbed Peter’s hand and tried to squirm his way out of Peter’s grip, but Peter’s a little stronger than he is. “Peter, stop!” he said fiercely. He didn’t want to hurt his husband by any means, but said husband was about to get a knee to the groin if he didn’t stop soon.

“Please,” Peter begged him as he grazed his teeth over Neal’s neck. “Want you.”

Neal shoved and Peter shoved back, grabbing his hands and pinning them to the floor on either side of his head. “Peter,” he pleaded. “Don’t make me hurt you. Please get yourself to stop so I don’t have to hurt you, babe.”

Peter shook his head and began to bite Neal harder, eliciting quiet pained sounds from the younger man. He decided that was definitely enough and kneed Peter roughly. Peter’s sound of pain was awful and hurt Neal’s heart, but he definitely wasn’t going to allow Peter to do anything while drunk. When Peter sobered up, he’d regret everything.

Rolling away from Peter, Neal got to his feet and watched his husband writhe in pain as he held himself. “God damn,” he hissed.

“I told you to stop. You’re drunk, Peter.” Peter disagreed and Neal rolled his eyes. “Asshole, you drank _at least_ three quarters of the bottle while I was putting the kids to sleep. I’m pretty sure you’re buzzed if you’re not drunk.”

Peter pushed himself up and stared at Neal lustfully. “I want you. I want to be inside you.”

Backing away, Neal said, “No. We’re not having sex right now. When you’re sober, I’m all for it, love.”

Neal was surprised by how quickly Peter moved and slammed him against the counter, lifting him up and onto it while grabbing his sleep pants and pulling them down. “Gonna take you so hard,” Peter moaned.

Despite the pain in Neal’s lower back from being shoved into the counter, Neal wasn’t going to allow this, he began to push Peter in the hopes of getting him to stagger back a bit. “Stop!” he cried quietly. “Peter, don’t rape me!” He was saying it quietly enough so that it didn’t bring anyone else downstairs. He said ‘rape’ because he figured that would have to click in Peter’s mind. “Don’t rape me,” he said repeatedly, watching Peter begin to back off. He was relieved by that because he tried to push back and Peter only proceeded to push harder. “Jesus,” he said, letting out a sigh of relief when Peter put enough distance between them. He watched Peter curiously as tears began to slide down his face. “Peter,” he said sadly. “Oh, sweetheart… Don’t cry, please.”

“I was gonna rape you,” he whispered, sounding horrified. Neal slid off of the countertop and hiked his sleep pants up over his hips. “Oh my God. I raped you.”

Neal hushed Peter before Peter could go into hysterics. “You didn’t,” he assured the older man repeatedly while stroking the side of Peter’s face. “We’re okay. Look at me, okay? I’m fully dressed. You didn’t do anything to me.” He kept stroking Peter’s face and smiled at him. Peter was staring at him blearily and painfully, so Neal was trying to do whatever he could to help Peter calm down. “You weren’t even close.” That was a slight lie considering Peter began to pull his pants down, but Peter himself had been fully clothed, so… “I swear you didn’t do anything, my love.”

Peter looked like he was trying to concentrate really hard and Neal smiled a little more at him. “You’re okay? I didn’t hurt you?”

Kissing Peter’s lips gently, Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s. “You didn’t hurt me. I’m okay, Peter. I promise.” Peter’s arms slid around him and held him tightly. “Let’s get you to bed, big guy. You’re going to need some sleep.”

Nodding a little haphazardly, Peter let Neal guide him out of the kitchen after Neal put the remnants of the wine bottle into the refrigerator. “Baby…” Peter said quietly as he leaned heavily on Neal.

“Peter,” he groaned, forcing himself to hold Peter’s weight as he took him up the stairway. “Babe, I need you to try to walk as best you can, okay? When we get into our room, you don’t have to move anymore.” Peter nodded and steadied himself using the wall, continuing up the stairs with his husband until they were finally in their bedroom. “Do you want me to strip you down before putting you into bed?” Peter nodded as Neal helped him plop down onto the end of their bed. “Arms up, lover.” Peter did as Neal asked and threw his arms up, nearly smacking Neal in the process. Neal still managed to pull Peter’s shirt off and set it aside. “Okay. Lie down and I’ll get your shoes and socks off.”

“Can I watch?”

Neal raised an eyebrow and said, “I don’t know what exactly you feel compelled to watch, but okay.” He got down onto his knees and Peter’s fingers immediately weaved through his hair. Glancing up at Peter, he smirked and said, “I’ll never let you live down your ‘I am not a sex addict’ phrase again after this.” Peter gave him a goofy smile and stroked Neal’s hair as Neal took his shoes and socks off, setting them under the bed for the moment. He’d move them later. “I need you to either lie down or lift your ass so I can get your pants and underwear off.” Neal unbuttoned Peter’s pants and Peter lifted himself just enough and long enough for Neal to tug his pants and underwear down simultaneously. All the while, Peter’s fingers were still in Neal’s hair. He tossed Peter’s clothes into a pile and was about to stand until Peter gripped his chin and made him focus on the older man. “Everything okay?”

Peter’s eyes rolled back a bit as he moaned, “Wish I could be in your mouth. Soft voice… Warm lips… Wet mouth…” He moaned again and Neal felt bad for glancing at Peter’s raging erection. “Can I? Won’t be rape if I’m not inside you…”

Looking uncertain, Neal said, “Peter, if I let you do anything sexual, you know you’re going to be upset tomorrow morning.” Peter frowned at him. Neal was finding it really hard to resist his husband. Peter was giving him such a pouty look that made Neal feel compelled to suck his husband off. “I’d love to give you a blowjob, but you’re drunk and won’t be able to appreciate it.” He leaned up to kiss Peter and Peter shoved him down a bit. “Oh, don’t you dare start this again.” Peter gave him a confused look. “Peter, it’s time for bed.”

Neal was able to get up while struggling against his husband. As soon as Peter’s fingers were out of his hair, he was in the clear. “But I want you…”

“Believe me, I want you, too.”

“Then blow me.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Bite me,” he countered sarcastically. That phrase wasn’t meant to be taken literally, but Peter took it literally and went right for Neal’s throat, biting him immediately. “Ow! God damn it, Peter.” He shoved his husband onto the bed and lifted his hand to cover the area of his neck that had initially been bitten very roughly downstairs. “It’s bedtime.”

Peter made a whining sound as he watched Neal take his own clothes off. His erection was still standing proud and erect as he watched the beautiful man set his clothes on top of his dresser and move to get into bed. “Why don’t you want sex?” he groaned as he met Neal near their pillows.

“When you’re sober, we’ll talk about sex. For right now, it’s time for us to go to sleep.” Neal laid down and was hoping Peter would, too. Peter stared at him intently and touched himself. Neal raised an eyebrow as he attempted to will Peter to stop and lie down. The second he opened his mouth to demand that Peter lay down or he was going to leave the room, Peter took advantage of him and shifted quickly, shoving himself into Neal’s mouth. He made sounds of protest as Peter deepthroated him. Pushing against Peter’s hips didn’t help and Peter gripped his hair tightly with both hands.

“Yes,” Peter moaned, throwing his head back. He was gagging Neal, but Neal wasn’t making any sounds to indicate that. Neal had a better handle on that, but he couldn’t help the fact that tears were escaping his eyes as Peter fucked his mouth roughly. Again, the last thing he wanted to resort to was hurting his husband, but Peter went too far this time. He bit Peter roughly and made Peter cry out, but Peter didn’t pull out. “Don’t fucking bite me!”

Peter wasn’t looking at him. If he were, he would’ve seen Neal’s tears. Neal was half-tempted to just let Peter thrust into his mouth deeply, but his tears were clouding his vision and Peter was hurting his throat, so he bit Peter again, harder than the first time, and he didn’t stop until Peter was finally in enough pain to pull out and flop backwards. Sitting up, Neal coughed painfully and wiped his tears away. “What the fuck, Peter?” he snapped, glaring at his husband. Peter pushed himself up while holding himself and he looked like he felt awful when he realized Neal was crying. “When I tell you not to fuck me, you are _not to fuck me._ ” He slid out of bed and was going to grab his robe so he could head downstairs and sleep on the couch, but Peter leapt off of the bed and pulled him back.

“Don’t. Please don’t.”

“Why not? You didn’t listen to me, Peter.” He didn’t feel like Peter raped him and he wasn’t going to suggest that Peter had. It was just oral sex. Even if it could’ve been defined as rape, Neal had gotten Peter to stop and Peter wasn’t advancing on him now. In fact, Peter looked really ashamed of himself, like he realized what he’d done was wrong and felt really, really bad about it. “I want you to go lie down. When you do, I’ll join you.”

Peter looked so sad as he whispered, “Promise?”

Sighing, Neal nodded. “I promise I’ll get in bed with you. Just go get in, okay?” Peter nodded and Neal watched his husband do exactly as he asked, getting under the blanket and staring at him in the hopes that Neal hadn’t lied to him. “Thank you.” He joined his husband, sliding under the blanket with him. “It’s time for bed now.”

“You hurt me,” Peter whispered sadly as he stared at Neal’s face.

“Yeah, I know.” Peter blinked quickly and Neal sighed once again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to, but I had to get you to stop somehow, lover.” Peter shifted closer and rubbed himself against Neal’s soft skin. Tentatively, Neal slid his hand under the blanket and wrapped his fingers around his husband’s length loosely. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Peter.”

Peter kissed his shoulder and whispered, “Sorry for hurting you, too.” He rested his head on Neal’s shoulder and closed his eyes, but Neal could feel Peter slowly thrusting against his hand.

“I forgive you,” he said even though he felt like there was nothing to forgive. Peter had come home upset and got drunk. Neal was just grateful that Peter hadn’t assaulted him when he bit him. Peter could’ve easily struck him, but he hadn’t. “Are you close to coming?” Peter nodded and Neal sighed, stroking his husband’s cock gently. He wasn’t going to let Peter use his body or his mouth because he knew what Peter would think later, so he just resorted to giving his husband a handjob. Peter seemed to appreciate it, especially since he was being gentle after biting him twice.

The older man leaned back to stare into Neal’s eyes and watched Neal’s face as he jerked him off. Staring at Neal’s beautiful face was definitely bringing him closer to his climax. “Neal,” he began to pant quietly. “Neal, Neal, Neal.” Neal gave him a small, encouraging smile and Peter released onto Neal’s hand, making quiet sounds as he rode out his orgasm. “Neal…” he said softly as Neal milked every drop out of him, satisfying him entirely. “I love you…”

“I love you, too,” Neal said softly. “Can you go to sleep now, sweetheart of mine?” Peter nodded and rested his head on Neal’s shoulder again, quickly drifting off to sleep against his husband’s warm body. Neal stared at him and watched him sleep for a couple moments before sliding his hand up to his mouth, licking Peter’s come off of his skin. “Good night, you big idiot,” he said endearingly as he rested his right hand over Peter’s left that was placed over Neal’s heart.

•◊•

The next morning, Peter woke up with a God awful headache. He was lying on Neal’s chest and that wasn’t usually how they went to sleep. Also, his cock was hurting _really_ bad. He glanced up at his husband and that was when he realized he’d gotten drunk. He had a slightly hazy dream about the previous night and he couldn’t tell if any of that happened or not. Either way, he really regretted coming home after almost twenty-four hours of being away from his family…just to get drunk. “Neal,” he whispered. Neal stirred a bit at the sound of his name, but he didn’t fully wake up. “Neal,” he said a little louder.

Neal startled awake and glanced at Peter immediately. “Morning, Peter.”

He was wondering if he’d forced Neal into sex the previous night. He had a really strange dream about taking Neal on their kitchen floor, on the countertop, and then in their bed. It was a very choppy dream though. As he was about to ask Neal about whether or not they actually had sex, he looked at Neal’s neck and his jaw dropped before he stared at his husband’s face in horror. “Did I do that to you?”

Rolling his eyes, Neal said, “Who else would I let come close enough to bite me?”

“I’m serious,” Peter said worriedly as he pushed himself up and looked at the bruise on Neal’s neck. “Did I do this to you?”

Neal sighed and nodded. “I’m just fine. There’s no need to get yourself worked up about this, okay?”

Peter shook his head and glared at his husband. “Did I have sex with you?” Neal’s brows furrowed. “Neal, did I have sex with you?”

“No. Why?”

“Would you tell me if I did?” Neal nodded and looked really confused, wondering why Peter kept asking if they had sex. He figured Peter might not remember everything, but maybe Peter had a strange dream when he fell asleep. “Are you sure I didn’t? I’m really sore—like the kind of sore I am after a lot of sex.” He was watching Neal’s face, looking for signs that Neal was lying to him.

Neal sighed again. “Okay. Listen to me before doing or saying anything.” Peter really didn’t like how that sounded and he was beginning to hate himself. “We didn’t have intercourse if that’s what you’re asking about. However, you were a little forceful when we got up here and into bed.” Peter looked horrified, but Neal knew he couldn’t lie to Peter. Even if Peter didn’t remember the previous night, he wanted to be honest with his husband. “You kind of forced me to give you a blowjob, so… I kind of bit you—really hard.” Peter kept staring at Neal in horror and Neal assured him, “You stopped after that though. I eventually got you to go to sleep, but you wouldn’t sleep until I gave you a handjob to make you orgasm.”

Peter looked away from Neal and Neal grabbed his hand before Peter could consider leaving again. “Neal, I… I need to go.”

The older man tried to jump out of bed, but Neal quickly grabbed his hand and pulled him back. “Don’t you dare run away again. You got yourself drunk last night because you thought I was going to leave you. Why are you trying to run from me so badly?”

“I forced you…”

“It was, like, two seconds, Peter.” Peter looked like he felt awful, like he felt worse than he did the previous night. “Peter, do I look like I’m upset with you?” Peter glanced at him and nodded, so Neal rolled his eyes. “Oh, my God, Peter. I’m not upset over _that._ I’m upset because you’re trying to leave again and I don’t want you to.”

Peter frowned and said, “I have to go to work soon anyway…”

Neal glared at his husband. “If I don’t see you at lunch, I understand. If you don’t come home to me the second you get out of work—and I will call Diana if I need to—then we’re going to have a severe problem whenever you do decide to come home.” Peter didn’t like the way he was making Neal feel. He didn’t like what he was doing either. He left because he thought he was making things worse for Neal, but he only seemed to make it worse by leaving. “I love you and I want you here despite what you may think. I never asked you to leave. You did that on your own. All I’m asking is that you please come home to me the second you’re able to. If you need to go overtime, just send me a quick text to let me know so I’m not standing by the door for hours as I wait for you to come home. I still might contact Diana just to verify with her.”

As he watched his husband, Neal could see that Peter was really thinking about this. “You really want me to come home right away? You don’t want time to yourself?”

“Don’t ask such stupid questions. You know damn well I want you here more than anything.” Peter nodded as he squeezed Neal’s hand gently. “Why are you doing this to us, Peter? Are you trying to make me want to leave you because you think I’m going to do that anyway?”

“I handcuffed you for about twelve hours, Neal, and then I’ve just created problem after problem since then. I don’t say the right things anymore and you seem to think sex will make me feel better or will fix our relationship—or something.” Neal wanted to interject, but he also wanted to hear Peter out. “I don’t understand why you’d want to have sex with me after all of the stupid things I’ve done, so I just assumed you were throwing yourself at me because you wanted me to be happy.”

Peter glanced at his husband warily and saw the sad smile on his face. “You really are a big idiot.” Peter’s brows furrowed. He could recall Neal calling him that while he was drunk, but that was another thing he didn’t know happened for certain. “Peter, I didn’t want to just have sex with you. I specifically asked if you would make love to me.” Peter nodded, knowing Neal said exactly that. “We need to get through this hurdle together. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know there’s some sexual issue going on between us. It’s been several days since the last time we made love and, upon bringing it up, you ran away.”

Frowning, Peter whispered, “I thought about the night you told me you wouldn’t mind if I just had sex with you while you were lying there tiredly. I was upset with you for saying that, but I… Part of me wanted to do it. I’ve never been that way with you and I think I’m just afraid of changing everything in our sexual relationship.”

“I understand,” Neal said sincerely. “We’ve been together for years, but you’ve only been with _this_ me for less than a year.” He lifted Peter’s hand and kissed his husband’s knuckles, sighing quietly. “I’m sorry if I’ve been pushing you out of your comfort zone. I know I insulted the man I was before losing my memory, but I also know that’s the man you love.”

“I love the man right in front of me,” Peter whispered, lifting his left hand to caress the side of Neal’s face and rub his wedding ring over Neal’s cheekbone. “I love you for all that you are. It’s just… You’ve changed so drastically since I brought you home. I will admit that you’re right when you say you’re stronger now because you most definitely are, but I’m having a hard time breaking myself away from the way I used to be with you.”

Neal nodded and whispered, “We have the rest of our lives to figure things out together. Eventually, I think you’ll find it easier to just…have your way with me. Someday, I think you’ll let go of everything we did before.” Peter wanted to agree with his husband, but he was really uncertain. “I used to be really afraid of most sexual situations with you because of my past, but my past can’t hurt me now and I won’t let it control my life anymore. I would be comfortable with you in _any_ sexual situation you put me into because I love you, I know you, and I trust you very intimately.”

Peter looked ashamed as he said, “I’ve wanted to do all of these crazy, wild, extremely sexual things with you for a long time, but I suppressed those urges whenever they came up. Elizabeth and I experimented with a lot of things when we were married, but I never wanted to push you into doing any of those things.” Neal looked intrigued, wondering what Peter and Elizabeth did before. “El loves—or at least she loved it when she was with me—some kind of sexual, bondage situation. I used to handcuff her so she couldn’t break away or touch me and it drove her wild. I’d be lying if I said I never once thought about doing that to you since we’ve gotten together.”

Neal grinned at his husband slyly as he said, “I think activities like that can be arranged.” The older man struggled to keep his jaw from dropping. Neal, if he were lying this whole time about feeling so comfortable sexually, would have shot that thought down right away. He brought up the bondage aspect of his relationship with Elizabeth because he was testing Neal. He wanted to see Neal’s response since Neal had been bound or restrained in some fashion during his rapes. This response wasn’t what he expected. “In a way, I think it’d be really exciting to see you in that kind of situation. We could do some roleplay with handcuffs and—” He realized how Peter was looking at him and his brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

“I…wasn’t expecting enthusiasm.”

Neal understood that and he felt like he should’ve known that Peter was testing him. He hadn’t met Peter’s expectations regardless. “I honestly don’t care what you do as long as you do it with me—and only me. Everything we do sexually is between us. You said you’d never bring another man into our bed and I’m not interested in being sexual with anyone but you. If you have a threesome or group sex kink, you’d better get away from that line of thought because that’s where I draw the line.”

Peter chuckled. “So you do have some boundaries.”

Rolling his eyes, Neal said, “Of course I’d have some stipulations. I’m perfectly fine with bondage, with roleplay, with handcuff-play, whatever kind of play as long as it’s just between you and me.” He tentatively scooted closer to his husband so he could kiss the older man. “You make me feel loved. You make me feel confident in myself. You make me feel beautiful. Nobody else can make me feel the way you make me feel.”

The older man lunged at Neal and pinned him to the mattress beneath them before kissing him fiercely. He intertwined their fingers and kept Neal’s hands on the mattress during the kiss because everything Neal just said hit him emotionally. It wasn’t so much the fact that Neal was giving him permission to do a great deal of things to him as it was that Neal was expressing how he feels when he’s alone with him. “I love you,” he said breathlessly the second he pulled away from Neal’s lips.

Neal was smiling as he breathed heavily beneath his husband. “I love you, too,” he said instantly. He knew why Peter was acting this way and he was glad he said everything he’d said. He was glad Peter gave him the opportunity to have this discussion with him.

“I really hope I never fuck up badly enough to lose you because I know I can never find someone like you ever again,” Peter whispered.

Chuckling quietly, Neal said, “I fuck things up from time to time myself and you still love the hell out of me. In fact, I do a lot of stupid things that piss you off—and yet you’re still here with me.” He squeezed Peter’s hands gently since that was pretty much all he could do with his hands at the moment. “If you can put up with me and all of my bullshit, I’m pretty sure I can handle anything with you, too.”

“I’m kind of tempted to see just how much you can handle with me,” Peter said, attempting to sound as sexually hungry as he was feeling now. He loves his husband and regrets everything he’s done lately. From handcuffing Neal for twelve hours to causing petty problems between them, he regrets not showing Neal how much he loves him. He spent too much time being upset and a little insecure about their relationship and now he wanted to rectify that.

Neal slid his bare leg up from Peter’s thigh to Peter’s hip, bending his leg over Peter’s lower back, and smiled in such a seductive way that really turned Peter on as he whispered, “Give me _everything_ you’ve got.”


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal go...shopping; Peter speaks out about Kramer's changes to the White Collar division.

Peter’s face was as red as a tomato as he trailed behind his husband awkwardly. He’d only agreed to this because Neal wanted to do this—and Neal wanted him to come along. After the first fifteen minutes of just observing everything, he was embarrassed and a little bit nervous about all of this. Neal, on the other hand, was as content as he possibly could be. In fact, the cheeky bastard kept looking over his shoulder to grin at him from time to time. Peter knew Neal was teasing him, but that was kind of the point. “Honey, can we please hurry this up a bit?”

Neal turned a little and glanced up at him. “I swear you haven’t looked at one thing since we came in.” Peter didn’t particularly want to. This was an uncomfortable setting for him considering how their relationship has been for quite some time. “Peter, if you’re cooperative, we can leave faster.” Neal reached out and touched a dildo, observing it before glancing at Peter’s groin and smiling slyly at his husband. “These things don’t even measure up to you.” If Peter could be any redder, he imagined he was.

He hadn’t been the one to suggest going shopping in an _adult_ store. He actually tried to stall Neal as much as he could in the hopes that something else would come up, but, obviously, Neal got his way and here they were, looking at a variety of sex toys and clothes for roleplaying. Peter remembered being in a similar store with Elizabeth, but he hadn’t picked out anything. El knew what she liked and she came in, grabbed what she wanted, and they left. Neal insisted on being a pain in the ass and made him look at every single thing the store had to offer. “Neal, please.”

“If you don’t pick things out with me, I’m going to grab a bunch of absurd things.” Peter sighed in defeat and Neal smiled a little. He took Peter’s hand and pulled him towards a different section. “First things first… I’d really, really like it if you put a collar on me.” Peter’s throat dried as he stared at Neal’s face. Neal looked fascinated as he peered at the collars and leashes the store offered. “Which one do you like?”

Peter glanced at the selection and tried to keep himself under control. He’d been very horny before they left the house, but Neal tormented him and didn’t make love with him this morning. Instead, Neal wanted to go on a field trip… “Neal, are you sure about this?”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal said, “If I have an issue, I’ll let you know. Thus far, I’m eager to buy things and try them out with you.” It was like looking at another man—someone completely opposite of the man he’d met in the bureau over spilled coffee. “Do you not want to do this?” Peter frowned at him and Neal sighed. “Peter, just tell me. If you don’t want to be here, we can go home.”

That was rather tempting, but so were the collars in front of them. He never imagined feeling like doing these things to Neal and actually being allowed to. With everything Neal had been through, Peter hardly entertained the idea of bondage with his husband. He didn’t want to upset his husband and he _is_ interested in this as long as Neal isn’t hurt by him in the process. Reaching out, Peter immediately grabbed the collar he wanted and Neal looked pleased when he met Neal’s eyes. It was a simple, leather collar with a single ring attached in the front of it. Nothing fancy, really. They didn’t need to go to extremes. That’s never been them—even now. “I think it’ll look nice on you,” Peter said softly as he leaned towards his husband, kissing him quickly. “I have two sets of handcuffs at home, so we can forego wrist binders. What else are you interested in?”

Neal made a thoughtful sound and glanced around. “I don’t particularly care for the blindfolds here. We could just use one of our ties.” Peter nodded and followed Neal’s gaze over to the section housing whips and paddles. “How do you feel about spanking me?”

As soon as Neal said that, Peter was painfully hard. “Not with objects here.”

Turning, Neal raised an eyebrow again. “Want to use your hand?” Peter nodded silently and that seemed to thrill Neal. “Want to gag me?”

Peter glanced around for a moment before whispering, “If I want to gag you, I’ll just shove my dick down your throat.” Neal shivered and grinned at him. Peter noticed that they were getting a bunch of strange looks and he realized they were the only gay couple in the shop. If he hadn’t already felt awkward, that didn’t help. He wasn’t embarrassed to be with his husband, but he was embarrassed because they were here. Taking his husband’s hand, intertwining their fingers, he proved that he’s with Neal just in case people wondered if Neal were helping him buy things for another relationship.

“Are you interested in anything else? You’re the one who’s going to be doing all of this to me, so you might as well grab something you’d enjoy.”

Swallowing hard, Peter glanced at the clothing section and Neal followed him when Peter pulled him along. He didn’t see the stares they were being given and he wouldn’t have cared even if he did. “I… I feel bad about wanting this…” They were standing in front of some underwear and Neal could make out the words ‘slave’ and ‘master’ written across the backs of them.

Shrugging, Neal said, “Let’s both get a few each for ourselves. We can switch them up depending on who puts their underwear on first in the morning.” He chuckled and was relieved when Peter laughed a little himself and nodded. Peter grabbed eight pairs—four of both kinds and two of each for them based on their individual sizes. “I know how you feel about the whole master and slave dynamic, but I know you’re not going to take it beyond the bedroom because you’re not like that. When we’re in our bedroom, we can do whatever we want. When we leave, we go back to being ourselves—husbands and fathers.”

“I’m not going to torture you in our bedroom. I mean, I kind of like the idea of…” He trailed off, hating the direction his thoughts were going. He wasn’t used to being able to think about these things and actually do them. He also wasn’t used to being into a master and slave thing considering they’ve both repeatedly said he’s not Neal’s master.

Neal gave him a side hug and kissed his jaw. “I know what kind of man you are, Peter. They’re just little playful titles in the bedroom. We don’t have to do this all the time either.” Peter nodded and glanced at his husband’s face just to see if Neal were still okay with this. “There will probably be nights when neither of us feels up to this stuff and just want to make love the way we always do. I know you’re uncomfortable with all of this, so we’ll just ease into it over time.” Rubbing Peter’s back, he asked, “Does that sound okay?”

Peter nodded and kissed him sweetly. “I don’t think I could do all of this all the time anyway, so thanks, honey.”

“I am curious though. How often did you play with El?”

“Maybe once or twice a month. Around birthdays and Valentine’s Day, it upped to maybe four or five times a month.” Neal made an impressed face and Peter rolled his eyes. “I was really uncomfortable with her. Not only was I being demanding and doing things that kind of hurt her, but I knew I was gay and I was trying to make things work with a woman. It’s really ironic that she turned out to be a lesbian because it explained why things didn’t work sometimes with her either.” Peter slid his arm around Neal and held his hip, murmuring, “The very thought of hurting you intentionally makes me feel sick.”

Neal kissed his jaw again. “Don’t worry. It’s just play and, like I said, we don’t have to do it all the time. If one or both of us feels particularly aroused and interested in playing, we can do that. If you’re feeling romantic and want to make love, we can do that, too.”

Peter gave Neal a small smile and said, “No matter what we do, my intention is to make love to you.” Neal returned his smile with a grin and Peter kissed his lips once more. “We’re going to have to lay out the rules beforehand though. I’m not really into the whole safe word thing for starters. If I ever do something that hurts you too much, you’re telling me to stop. There’s no substitute for stop.”

“See? This is why I love you, Peter.”

“Fags,” someone muttered.

Peter tensed and Neal tried to grab Peter’s jacket and keep him from turning around, but Peter turned and looked at the man who’d spoken. Peter scoffed and said, “You’re one to talk. Nice thong, asshole.” The man spun instantly and Neal tried to keep Peter from going off on this guy. Peter glanced at the object in the man’s hands and added, “Awe. Can’t get some real ass, can you? At least I have a spouse—and a spouse who’s interested in having sex with me.”

Neal quietly said, “Peter. We’re done here.”

The man glanced at Neal and chuckled. “He’s probably just a transgendered woman, so you’re getting a bunch of pus—”

Peter grabbed the man and shoved him against a shelf, holding him up a bit as he snarled, “Don’t you dare talk about my husband like that.”

Swallowing hard, Neal spoke louder and demanded, “Peter, I want to check out so we can leave—preferably before you get yourself arrested.”

Peter reached into his jacket after setting the man down and pulled out his badge. “You’re messing with two FBI agents, asshole.” Peter was amused when the man looked horrified. Neal only rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yeah. I’d go about my business and stop commenting on other people’s personal interests if I were you.”

Neal was holding all of their items and he desperately wanted to leave before the man pissed Peter off more. “I’m surprised fags are allowed into the FBI.”

As Peter lunged towards the man, Neal wrapped his arm around Peter’s waist and snapped, “I want to leave, Peter.” Peter rested his hand on Neal’s arm and breathed heavily for a few moments before calming down. Neal waited until Peter finally began to walk away, but Peter grabbed his free hand first, pulling him towards the checkout. They both heard the man make another comment and Neal worried that Peter would lose his cool again. Much to his surprise, Peter ignored him and pulled his card out so he could pay for their items. Neal said he’d pay, but it honestly didn’t matter considering their money came out of their joint bank account regardless.

The second they were given their bag, the man made yet another comment and Peter struggled to ignore the man even as the woman at the register asked him to settle down or leave. Neal knew Peter was struggling because Peter’s grip on his hand tightened as Peter tugged on him, leading him to the door that he proceeded to throw open. Neal swallowed hard and kept his eyes on his husband as he tried to keep up with him.

Neither of them said a word as they walked across the snowy parking lot and got into the Taurus together. Neal was really beginning to worry about how pissed off Peter was until Peter reached over and stroked his hair, tangling his fingers in Neal’s hair a moment later. “I’m sorry for how I was acting in there.”

“It’s all right,” Neal said softly. “I know I didn’t look pissed, but I was. You’re more important though and I don’t want you to get hurt or get into trouble.” Peter looked at him and gave him a small, appreciative smile. “He wasn’t worth it, especially since we were in a sexy toy store and he was buying some kind of penis-goes-here thing while wearing a pink thong.” Peter chuckled at that and Neal was grateful for that. “You get more ass than he ever will in his lifetime and it certainly helps that that ass lives with you.”

“See, now I don’t know if you’re talking about your ass or if you’re calling yourself an ass.”

Neal smacked him and laughed. “Wow. You’re such a jerk.”

Peter leaned towards him and Neal didn’t hesitate to kiss him. “I love you, ass.” Neal gave him a wry smile and smacked his arm again. Chuckling, Peter rephrased his previous sentence. “I love you, honey.”

“Love you, too, you big jerk.”

Smirking, Peter said, “I’m just a ‘big’ everything, aren’t I?” Neal rolled his eyes and Peter grinned. “Big teddy bear. Big idiot. Big jerk. Big cock...”

Again, Neal rolled his eyes. “You’re so funny,” he said sarcastically. Peter chuckled, untangling his fingers from Neal’s hair so he could hold Neal’s hand after turning the car on. As they were driving, Neal whispered, “You’re just my everything. I don’t know where I’d be right now if I didn’t have you.” Peter squeezed his hand gently and Neal lifted their hands so he could kiss Peter’s knuckles. “Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for every single thing you’ve done for me and for our kiddos.”

“I don’t want to think about not being with you anymore. I love hearing your voice, seeing your face, feeling your warmth, and… It’s hard to just highlight the things I love about you.” Neal smiled at him even though Peter was focusing on the road. “All of my babies are my life. I never want to know what it’s like to permanently be without one of you.”

Both men loved how their conversation shifted in this direction. Considering they just left a store full of sex items and said a lot of provocative things between waking up and leaving the store, they loved how their entire mood shifted. It was so easy to fall into this and that relieved Peter because he knew it would be just like this even though they plan on spicing up their sex life. Neal, while he seems a lot more adventurous than he was in the past, is still his sweet Neal.

Neither of them wanted to lose this romantic and emotional connection with each other, but they knew that wasn’t possible. Sex, in any form, wouldn’t affect them as a couple. As long as they’re happy together, that’s all that matters to them.

•◊•

Peter was listening to Kramer drone on once more about some things that needed to be changed within their division. Things had changed after their last big meeting, but Kramer still wasn’t happy. He wanted everyone to take on a bigger caseload than they already had and it was insane considering their caseloads were enormous as it was. Kramer booted a few agents since his arrival without giving the remaining agents any explanation, so they were down agents and forced to take over their caseloads. Peter felt terrible when he harped on not being given assistance for his cases, but he hadn’t realized things were so difficult for the rest of his team as well. Kramer was the only one completely unaffected by this change.

While stewing in his irritation at the other end of the table, Peter was grateful for Neal’s text messages. They kept him sane and he could complain about points Kramer made that he didn’t like or agree with. Neal was sympathetic and wished he could make things better, but he wasn’t quite sure what else to do. His teasing message of “ _How’s the slave underwear feeling this morning?_ ” made Peter smile a little. In all honesty, the change of topic made Peter feel better.

“Very good. Makes me think about my master…” he responded, adding an emoji with a winking face. He’d gotten up before Neal this morning on purpose and Neal saw which pair of underwear he was wearing the second he woke up. After laughing a little, Neal indulged him and put on the ‘master’ underwear.

After a few minutes, Neal wrote back, “ _I’ll make my slave feel really good as soon as he comes home._ ”

Peter shivered a little at the thought of the things Neal intended on doing to him. He and Neal made love the way they usually did the previous night, but Peter wouldn’t mind if Neal wanted to play tonight. He also wouldn’t mind being the one in handcuffs. Peter replied with, “He’d really like that.”

“Burke.” Peter finally looked up from his phone when he realized it was Kramer who’d called him out. Everyone turned to look at him and Peter didn’t appreciate that. “What are your thoughts on my new changes to the way things are being run here?”

Thus far, no one felt secure enough in their job position to speak up about how ridiculous Kramer’s changes were, but Peter was honestly tired of his team working overtime and coming in the next morning looking like hell because they’re being run down with all of these late work hours and minimal hours of sleep. “If you’d like my honest opinion, I disagree with your changes wholeheartedly.” Everyone looked surprise, including Kramer himself. “It was never like you to do this when you were working in Art Crimes, yet you’ve somehow managed to get into the White Collar division and all you’ve done since arriving is make everyone’s life a living hell.”

Peter knew everyone appreciated that he’d spoken out, but they were all afraid of losing him as well. If Peter weren’t around anymore, they’d all have to follow Kramer’s orders without a sympathetic soul telling them to do the best they could and go home to their families. Peter didn’t like being away from his family any more than others who had families of their own, so he tried to make things easier on them, especially when Kramer wasn’t around.

“And why do you say that?”

Scoffing, Peter said, “Look at the agents in this room right now. Everyone is exhausted and worn out. You go home when you feel like doing so, but the rest of us are forced to work late hours, long hours, and ridiculous hours. I have three children, Agent Berrigan has a daughter, Agent Montero has four children under the age of ten, and that’s only listing a few of us. Our agents are being forced to work away from their families longer than they ever had to before.” Kramer looked like he wanted to interject, but Peter wasn’t finished. “Not only are you affecting everyone’s personal lives by keeping us all from our spouses and children, but now our spouses and children have to worry about whether or not we’ll come home when we walk out the door in the morning. Our agents aren’t getting the rest and downtime they deserve, Agent Kramer. When they come into work, they’re putting their lives at risk. There have been nights when we’re working until five in the morning and we have maybe two and a half hours to be with our families before having to come back in. The functional levels of our agents are risking their lives.” One look at Diana told Peter she appreciated his words a great deal. He knew she and Elizabeth were having the exact issues he was talking about. “What’s it going to take before you finally realize the wellbeing of our agents is being compromised? You’re the only one who never seems to look or feel like you’re on death’s doorstep, but are you waiting for one of us to be unable to react fast enough because of our exhaustion? Are you waiting for an agent to needlessly die?”

“If they could do their work in a timely manner, then they wouldn’t have these issues. They—”

That infuriated Peter and he snapped, “How do you expect them to do their work in a timely manner when they’re overwhelmed with work? You’ve laid off or transferred several agents recently, so our workforce has gotten smaller, yet the caseload has gotten bigger.” Kramer looked pissed off, but Peter figured Kramer wasn’t going to boot him. He had yet to do that after everything Peter’s done to challenge him. “I’d like to see you work twenty hours in one workday. Agent Berrigan has no time to see her daughter, Agent Montero has yet to speak to anyone about his children like he used to because he’s had no time to spend with them when they’re awake, and several other agents with children don’t spend nearly enough time with their children as they’d like.”

Kramer looked at everyone and seemed to realize that they all looked like hell. “And everyone agrees with Agent Burke?”

Peter had been spending as much time with his husband as he could, but he only had the time to interact with Nicky when he was taking Nicky to school before going to work and he wished he spent more time with their twins. Since Kramer’s arrival, he’s felt awful for not being there for his kids. He also didn’t want Neal to begin feeling like a single father of three children. With Hannah and Jon back, Peter knew his parents would be glad to help their son-in-law with their grandchildren, but Peter wanted to be home with them. The weekends were mainly when he could be with his children for several hours, but that wasn’t enough.

Everyone nodded in agreement and that clearly pissed Kramer off. “The biggest rule about being in law enforcement has always been to survive and go home to our families. Reese never made us work long hours unless we were going after fugitives at the Marshall’s requests or working a serious case that was still in progress well into the night.” Diana grabbed his hand under the table because she sincerely wished she’d spoken out like he was. “For example, when my husband and I worked together, there were nights when we didn’t know what to do for our children because we couldn’t go home. Reese let my husband go home to take care of our kids and help out from home.” The mention of Neal always pissed Kramer off and that was why he did it. “My husband stays home with our children while I’m working, but single parents in this division struggle to find people who can watch their children for long periods of time. It’s also very unfair to agents with spouses to force their spouse into solely caring for their children.”

Nodding curtly, Kramer muttered, “I’ll look into recruiting new agents and decreasing caseloads…”

Peter felt a little thrill of victory surge through him. He wasn’t doing this solely for himself. He was doing this for all of the agents in White Collar because he knew most of them were struggling with things he’d mentioned. Diana and Elizabeth, for instance, were fighting a lot because Elizabeth’s career was suffering since she couldn’t find someone to watch Elsa for her while she and Diana worked. Peter once offered that Neal probably wouldn’t mind watching her because the three toddlers could play with each other, but Diana shot him down when she told him that Neal had enough on his plate.

After the discussion was dismissed, all of the agents began to file out, but Kramer told Peter to stay for a moment. “Good luck and thank you,” Diana whispered to him, squeezing his hand before turning to leave.

As soon as the door was shut, Kramer said, “I don’t appreciate the way you called me out and shed a negative light on me in front of the majority of our agents just now.”

“If you weren’t such an asshole, there wouldn’t be a need for calling you out or shedding and ‘negative light’ on you. Everyone else hesitated to say a word to you, but they all talk to me because I’m not enforcing your asinine demands that they work themselves to death. I’ve considered reporting this to DC because you’re going to be responsible for someone’s death in the field eventually. Someone’s going to lose a mother, a father, a brother, a sister, a son, or a daughter because you’re slowly killing them all.”

“Stop being so self-centered. Issues in your personal life—”

“I didn’t bring all of this up because of my personal life. You saw them! Diana’s relationships with her wife and daughter have been tried repeatedly and I’ve heard about other agents in similar positions.” He wouldn’t mention the many agents who came to him to ask if there were anything he could do to rectify the situation. He was going to try for them. “I know how pissed you are as soon as I mention my husband, but I’m taking our other agents into consideration. None of us have the luxuries you seem to have given yourself, Kramer. That’s not leadership. That’s dictatorship.”

Kramer dismissed him and Peter never felt happier walking away from someone’s presence. He couldn’t stand his former mentor. This wasn’t the same man who taught him the ropes roughly twenty years ago. This man was someone completely different. Of all the changes he’s witnessed in his husband and now his former mentor, he loathed the changes Kramer applied to himself. At least Neal hadn’t become someone he couldn’t bear to be around. In fact, he was going to go home tonight and sweep his husband off of his feet because he’s grateful that the only changes Neal made to himself were for the better.

•◊•

Neal was cooking dinner while Nicky was doing his homework and the twins were pulling on his pants. He kept nudging the twins with his knees gently and they only laughed and tried harder to pull his pants down. He’d put his jeans on because they couldn’t pull them down very easily. “You two are already as bad as your poppa,” he said endearingly as he watched them. “He’s a very bad influence on you two.” He heard Nicky snicker in the other room and smirked. “Would you like to contribute to the conversation, Nicolas?”

Nicky kept snickering even as he said, “Nope. I’m good.”

Shaking his head, Neal smiled. He hummed quietly and the twins settled down, wrapping their arms around his legs to lean on him. He realized that they liked hearing his voice because he’d sung them to sleep once or twice recently, but they must like his sounds as well because his humming calmed them. It also probably helped that his recent singing and humming consisted of Disney music.

He paused when he heard a car pull up in their driveway. He wasn’t expecting Peter to be home for at least another two hours. Gently, he separated the twins from his legs and grabbed his gun off of the top of the refrigerator. He loaded it and instinct seemed to kick in as he held it and moved a certain way without thinking about it.

Nicky made a startled sound when he saw his dad come into the dining room with a gun, but then he watched Neal pause in the living room, aiming towards the door. “Daddy!” Joey called out.

“Dad?” Nicky whispered. He heard a car door slam and he wondered if Peter came home early, but he didn’t understand why Neal was on the defensive like this. “Dad, I think it’s just poppa.”

“I’m not going to shoot him when the door opens just in case, but he’s home way too early.” Nicky heard the door unlocking and it sounded like the person outside of the door was struggling, so he figured his daddy might be right and he jumped out of his seat at the dining room table and darted into the kitchen, grabbing his brother and sister to huddle them in a corner of the kitchen like Peter taught him to just in case something ever happened.

When the door opened, he heard his poppa make a startled sound and simultaneously say, “Neal! Put the gun down!” Neal, obviously, lowered it quickly and sighed in relief as Peter threw the door to a close. “What the hell were you doing?”

“It’s three-thirty. You don’t get out of work until about five—at the earliest.” Neal put the safety on the gun and Peter sighed in relief now. “Are those for me?”

“Well, yeah. I’m just glad you didn’t shoot them.” Nicky let go of the twins and joined them as they darted out into the living room. “Let’s trade the gun for the flowers, hon.” Neal rolled his eyes as he handed the gun over to Peter and took the roses Peter had in his hands. “Geez. I wanted to come home and surprise you by showering you with love, but I came home to you holding me at gunpoint.”

Neal smacked Peter playfully and said, “Jerk. You could’ve at least let me know you were coming home early.” He moved towards his husband and kissed him. “Thank you for the roses and I’m sorry for almost shooting you, babe.” Peter chuckled and kissed his nose as he wrapped his left arm around his husband, rubbing his lower back.

Nicky grinned at them as the twins darted into the room, shouting ‘poppa’ and ‘daddy’ repeatedly. Peter put the gun up where the kids couldn’t get to it for the moment and he picked them both up. “Hello, my little troublemakers. Daddy said you got into the pots and pans today.” Both toddlers giggled and Peter smiled softly at them, kissing their foreheads. He set them down and kissed Neal again before grabbing the gun to take it back into the kitchen. As he passed Nicky, he hugged the teenager and said, “Hey, buddy.”

“It’s nice to see you home, poppa,” Nicky whispered against Peter’s shoulder.

Peter kissed his cheek and said, “I’m hoping that, after today, I’ll be able to come home to you a lot more than I have been recently.” Nicky grinned up at him and Peter’s heart skipped a beat when he realized just how much his son missed having him around. “I missed seeing your handsome self.” Nicky giggled as he followed his poppa into the kitchen. “How was school?”

“It was good. Trent and I have a project we’re working on for our biology class, so… Eventually, one of us is going to need to go to the other’s house.” Peter nodded and Nicky gave him a small smile. “How was work?”

“Better than it has been since Reese was booted.” Nicky knew what was going on in the bureau and knew it was causing some problems between his fathers lately, so he was glad to hear things were better at work today. “I’ll tell you and daddy what happened over dinner.” He glanced at the stove and said, “Which is actually almost done.” He decided to finish up what Neal started and was in the process of dishing things out when Neal came back into the kitchen. Nicky was with the twins now, so Neal went into the kitchen to be with his husband. “I have some fantastic news to share with you, lover.”

Neal glanced up at him and raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”

Peter nodded and teased, “I didn’t have to suck anyone’s dick or fuck anyone to get my way today.” Neal chuckled. He knew Neal immediately thought he’d done something with Kramer, so he made sure he clarified right away that that wasn’t the case. “I told Nicky that I’d tell you both during dinner. Today was fantastic in comparison to how it’s been lately.”

The younger man was actually glad to hear that and couldn’t wait for Peter to reveal what made today better. They both served dinner and Nicky helped by putting the twins into their highchairs. The moment they were all seated, Nicky spoke first. “So what happened at work today?”

Chuckling, Peter said, “You waste no time at all.” Nicky grinned and Neal shook his head as he smiled. “We had another pointless meeting this morning and Kramer asked me what I thought about all of his asinine changes to our division.” Neal and Nicky nodded simultaneously, listening to the older man intently as the twins ate quietly. “I immediately let him know that I don’t agree with anything he’s done since taking Reese’s job. I then told him about how everyone’s been working themselves to death and added points about how their families are struggling without them and that our agents aren’t given a whole hell of a lot of time to be with their families.”

“I missed you a lot when you came home after I already went to bed,” Nicky interjected.

Neither Peter nor Neal suggested he shouldn’t have said that. Neal knew Nicky missed his poppa those nights and Peter knew that as well as Neal. “I know, buddy. I’m really sorry for not being around to help daddy take care of you three, but I’m going to be home earlier than midnight unless it’s absolutely necessary for me to stay that long.” Neal grinned just as wide as Nicky did and Peter loved that. “Kramer revised our caseload and passed some of the non-White Collar business to the appropriate divisions and he brought back agents he laid off for no reason whatsoever. Everyone’s caseload is spread out as evenly as possible instead of being ridiculously unbalanced.” He loved how happy that made his husband and son, but it depressed him at the same time. Those nights when he’d come home late, he’d crawled into bed shortly after arriving, which woke Neal up. Some nights, they made love between two and six in the morning because they both wanted to be physically together before Peter had to get up for work again. “Things are changing and I’m glad they’re changing the way I wanted them to. Daddy and I weren’t the only ones with issues. Auntie El and Auntie Di were about to call it quits with each other.”

“Well, we’re all very grateful to have you home,” Neal whispered as he leaned over to kiss his husband.

Peter could feel how much happier his family was to have him home and he honestly appreciated that. After all of the problems he’d caused between himself and his husband, he was grateful to know his family wanted him home. He’d left home a few times because he thought he made his husband miserable, but that obviously wasn’t the case. Neal was holding his hand under the table as they all ate their dinner quietly, which was one way Neal silently showed his love to Peter.

When Neal squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile, Peter knew their family would be all right.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little complicated for Peter.

A few days later, Peter began to initiate some pretty rough lovemaking with his husband. It started at three in the morning when Peter woke up painfully hard and Neal woke up when Peter began to grind against his leg. It was the first time Peter indulged in making love to his husband from behind, but only because Neal twisted in such a way that they could kiss while he made love to Neal. Even though Neal’s front wasn’t facing him, Neal could still look at him. From there, they’d switched positions and made love as usual with Neal lying on his back and Peter hovering above him, thrusting into him. But Peter stopped when Neal decided he wanted to flip over and lie on his stomach.

Neal breathed heavily beneath him and whispered, “Peter, I want you.”

“Not like this.”

“Jesus Christ. Peter, please.” Neal hated the neediness in his own voice, but he was still trying to break Peter out of the habits they made together prior to his memory loss. “Please don’t leave me hanging like this.” He was panting and rubbing himself against the mattress while waiting for Peter to go for the plunge. Peter still wasn’t moving and Neal, in his frustration, said, “Peter, fuck me right now. I want you like this. Take me like this.”

Peter’s hard swallow was very audible and Neal regretted this because he knew he was being forceful and pushing Peter out of his comfort zone too quickly. Peter’s never done that to him and he felt that it was completely unfair for him to do that to Peter. Sometimes, it honestly irritated him that Peter couldn’t switch things up. He would’ve thought that Peter, as a man and a man who loves his husband very much, would be unable to resist any kind of sex. However, that was never true when it came to Peter. Peter loves sex, but he loves a certain kind of intimacy during sex. “I can’t… I just can’t…”

Neal laid his head down on the mattress and sighed, glancing over his shoulder to look up at his husband. “Yes, you can,” he said softly. “I know it’s not what you’re used to, but you can do it.” Peter shook his head and Neal sighed again. “Lie on my back. Don’t penetrate me, but lie on my back.” Peter hesitated before doing as Neal asked, pressing his chest against Neal’s back. “You can kiss me just like this. It’s not fucking and I’m sorry for asking you to fuck me. It was the wrong terminology and hasn’t applied to us in quite some time.” Peter stared at his face and Neal could see the anxiety in Peter’s eyes. “Make love to me this way.”

“I’ve never been able to do this,” Peter whispered.

Nodding, Neal said, “Please just try it. If it doesn’t work for us, we’ll know for sure after that, but you have to at least try it out.” Peter was rubbing himself against Neal’s ass, but he wasn’t going in just yet. “I know why you won’t do it,” he said quietly. He did understand Peter’s reasoning behind almost every moment of hesitation, but he desperately wanted Peter to just do something as a ‘spur of the moment’ kind of thing rather than having to think everything through and consider everything that could possibly go wrong. “They can’t hurt me and I won’t let them take away from what we can do in bed.”

Peter was really struggling with this. For as long as he’d known Neal, Neal never wanted to be taken like this because it was how he’d had sex before their relationship as well as when he was raped. It always terrified Neal because he wanted to be able to see the person who was inside of him and that wasn’t very easy or comfortable to do when he was taken from behind. Peter was beginning to imagine the terror he could elicit from his husband by doing this and it honestly frightened him. “Why are you making me do this?”

Neal tensed beneath him before pushing himself up and shoving Peter off. He flipped to lie on his back and snapped, “Happy now?” Peter frowned at him. He wanted to please his husband, but he didn’t think he could do this. Despite Neal’s emotional strength, Peter didn’t want this to be what shattered the façade he still felt like Neal was using with him from time to time. “I’m in the position you like. Please make love to me.” Peter kept frowning at him because he felt bad. He knew Neal was frustrated, knew he was the cause of Neal’s frustration, and he wished he was strong enough to do everything Neal’s asked of him.

“Do you want me to take you from behind?” Neal closed his eyes and groaned. “Honey, why are you so irritated?”

“Just please tell me how to position myself. I’m on the very brink of coming and I’d really, really like it if you came inside of me anytime now.” Peter debated on whether or not he wanted Neal to stay on his back or if he were going to flip Neal over. “Peter,” he whined. Peter could see just how desperate his husband was for his orgasm and he wanted to bring Neal over the edge to relieve him.

He decided he’d switch it up. He slid into his husband and rocked against him quickly while kissing him fiercely. He wanted to watch Neal’s release and Neal’s face as he released, but he would give Neal’s request a try immediately after. “Come for me, baby,” he whispered against Neal’s lips. “Come, baby boy.” Neal was panting and Peter knew he was close just by listening to him. The way Neal breathed heavily and shakily before his release nearly brought Peter over the edge, but he was able to stop himself.

Neal let out a small cry that was intertwined with Peter’s name as he came. His arms were wrapped around Peter’s neck and he writhed beneath his husband as they rode out his orgasm together. Neal’s eyes were closed and Peter could see the relief and relaxation creeping across Neal’s face when Neal laid back. “Why’d you stop?” Neal asked breathlessly. “I want you to come.”

Peter slid his hand across Neal’s abdomen and scooped up as much of Neal’s come as he could, licking it off of his fingers slowly. Neal’s eyes opened moments before that and he watched his husband. “Flip over.” Neal smiled a little at him before doing so. He was going to lie down, but Peter grabbed his hips. “You’re really okay with this?” Neal nodded and Peter could see that he was watching him. “Tell me to stop if it’s too much.” Again, Neal nodded. Peter hesitated as he stared at his husband’s back. He stared at the tattoo his husband got and he stared at the scar Neal had gotten on the job. There were other little scars scattered across Neal’s back and he wished he could take each and every one of them off of his husband’s body.

While on his hands and knees in front of his husband, Neal sighed as he thought Peter wasn’t going to go through with this. He was going to lie down and turn over again, but Peter surprised him by abruptly thrusting into him. Neal moaned as Peter gripped his hips and thrust into him deeply with a little bit of force behind each thrust. “Oh,” Neal cried out when Peter hit his prostate from a different angle. “Oh, Peter. Yes,” he moaned repeatedly before just moaning, panting, and making slightly pained sounds. Peter wanted to stop, but Neal reached back and rested his left hand over Peter’s left hand. It was a small sign of encouragement. He hadn’t asked Peter to stop yet and it didn’t seem like he was experiencing his rapes during any of this, so Peter took a little bit of comfort in that.

Because he wasn’t used to taking his husband from behind, Peter didn’t realize just how much he craved kissing his husband as he made love to him. He wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist and pulled him up, pressing Neal’s back firmly against his chest and kissing Neal the second Neal turned his head so Peter could do just that. “Okay?” Peter breathed against his husband’s lips.

“Yes,” Neal said, making urgent sounds as Peter began to thrust harder. Peter realized as he was kissing his husband that Neal was erect again. He supposed that was a good sign, but he remembered that Neal had also been forced to have an erection and ejaculate when he’d been raped because they wanted to humiliate him a little bit more than they already had. Neal shuddered and Peter took a little thrill in Neal reaching back with his right hand to grab Peter’s ass. “Love me. Love me, Peter,” Neal pleaded. He was still waiting for Peter to come and hadn’t expected to get himself up yet again. He kept telling Peter to love him and Peter knew he was going to finally release.

Shoving Neal forward, Peter lifted himself a little and took his husband roughly, eliciting quiet cries and pleading words for Peter to love him until Peter came inside of him _hard_ —and Neal came for the second time simultaneously. They both stayed in that position for a few moments, panting and breathing heavily. To Peter, it sounded like their breathing was synchronized even though their breathing was labored. “How was that?” Peter asked hesitantly. He was still holding Neal’s hips and he could see Neal’s arms were trembling.

“That was incredible,” Neal said as he glanced over his shoulder to smile at his husband tiredly.

Peter felt really strange, felt like he was with another man instead of Neal. He knew he’d eventually become accustomed to Neal acting this way, but it was hard at the moment. He felt compelled to ask, “Did I hurt you?”

Neal nodded and Peter gaped at him, wondering why he hadn’t demanded that Peter stop. “It felt so good. I didn’t want you to stop,” Neal whispered. “I’m not fragile, Peter. When I say you can do whatever you want to me, I literally mean you can do whatever you want—” Peter surprised Neal with a sudden and rough thrust to see what Neal’s reaction was and Neal’s sound of pleasure was so instantaneous that Peter had a hard time believing that his husband was lying to him. “You could drill me into the floor and I’d encourage you the whole time.”

As Peter pulled out of his husband, he decided that he didn’t want to leave his husband’s warm and willing body. “You’re so different,” Peter whispered as he rubbed over Neal’s back, tracing the outline of Neal’s tattoo and tracing along his scar alternatively.

The younger man’s eyes were closed and his mouth was open as he allowed himself to just feel Peter’s gentle side take over. “Is that good or bad?” he eventually managed to ask.

“I don’t know,” Peter said honestly. He gently pushed the center of Neal’s back until Neal was lying on his stomach. He shifted so he could continue thrusting into his husband, but he was able to kiss Neal easier now. “I’m not used to this. I never did this with Elizabeth and I was never allowed to do this with you.”

Neal let out a small laugh as he nuzzled his face against Peter’s pillow. “I’m all yours. You make love to me so passionately regardless of what position we’re in, regardless of the pace and roughness.” Peter rested his head against Neal’s, listening to the younger man speak. “I love you and I trust you, Peter. There’s no reason for you to have restrictions with me.” Peter wanted to bring up Neal’s past and Neal seemed to know that. “I can remember what Vincent and Craig did to me, Peter. I told you that I’m not going to let my past control my life anymore.” Neal lightly touched Peter’s left arm with his left hand and his touch was as light as a feather. “You and I are married. They shouldn’t be able to dictate what we do or don’t do in our bedroom.”

If Peter wanted to be completely honest with himself, he was beginning to believe Neal. He was beginning to believe Neal had permanently changed because it was what Neal wanted to do. At first, Neal had been affected by his past, but that was likely because he didn’t know what to expect of his past. Now that he knew about everything Vincent and Craig had done to him, he wasn’t afraid to talk to Peter about any of it and he wasn’t afraid of having different kinds of sex with Peter.

He never asked Neal to change his life, to change anything about himself. All of these changes had been enacted because Neal wanted this change. Neal was tired of being overwhelmed by things that could no longer hurt him and Peter understood that. “As long as you’re happy with the way things are…”

Neal nodded and whispered, “I’m very happy—with you.”

Peter finally stopped thrusting into his husband and he rested his head on the back of Neal’s shoulder, listening to Neal breathe evenly beneath him. “I love you, Neal, no matter how much you’ve changed.” Neal opened his eyes and met Peter’s gaze when Peter lifted his head. “I love you,” he repeated.

“And I love you,” Neal said. Peter could see it in Neal’s eyes and hear it in Neal’s voice. Neal was not afraid nor did he resent Peter for what he’d done. Neal wanted this because, as he said, he loves and trusts Peter. Neal didn’t want anything to be off limits between them and Peter was beginning to like that. He was finally allowing himself to love this sexual side of Neal that hadn’t existed before his memory loss. “I love you so much, Peter…”

•◊•

Over the next few days, Peter had been stressed out at work because he was being handed cryptic notes by the people who delivered their mail. Each time he received a letter, his name and the address of the FBI building were the only bits of information on the front. There was no return label and that concerned him, especially since the last several notes he’d been sent sounded very ominous and open-ended.

Taking this note back to his office, he opened the envelope and pulled out yet another paper with newspaper cutouts as letters. “One week,” he whispered to himself before flipping the paper over to find a picture of his husband—a picture he’d taken of Neal, a picture that was only stored on his phone. He gaped at the note in horror because he realized that this was a message. Not only had his phone been tapped, but there was a bright red X over Neal’s face with the little caption of _You’ll be too late._

The first few notes he’d been sent were random quotes about love and ominous words that made Peter think someone was considering death as the only option, as the only way that all of this would end. Now that he knew the sender had their eye on his husband, he knew someone was going to kill Neal unless he did something in a week’s time. He had no idea how he was going to do that when he didn’t understand what the real message was behind all of this.

All he knew was that he’d lose his husband if he failed—and it wouldn’t be because Neal had been kidnapped. Neal was going to die if he didn’t figure this out quickly. He was afraid to talk to Neal about this because he didn’t want to get Neal all worked up over something he didn’t quite understand yet. It also didn’t help that he wouldn’t be able to explain any of this to Neal because he doesn’t understand the motivation here.

He highly doubted Rachel would be this theatrical or dramatic if she were the one targeting Neal, so he wondered if an external party joined this already concerning problem. He couldn’t bear the thought of someone getting to Neal first, of being unable to protect his husband from what seemed like a promised death. He didn’t know who to ask about this because he didn’t understand at all. If Rachel weren’t involved in this particular plot, then who was it?

Peter didn’t speak to anyone about what was going on in his mind because one of the messages he’d been given demanded that he keep his mouth shut. Now that he knew Neal was the one the note referred to, he knew Neal would die if he spoke to anyone.

Even as he headed home around five-thirty in the evening, he worried that he’d arrive home to find his husband, his children, and his parents lying dead in their living room—lined up on the floor in a row and in a puddle of their own blood. Shuddering, Peter tried to distract himself with the idea that Jones was watching out for Neal. Jones would have contacted him if something were happening.

Fortunately, opening the door and coming in to the laughter of his children and his husband in the living room relieved him. Neal made a playful gasping sound and said, “Look who’s home!” The toddlers spun around and looked so happy to see their poppa. Peter shut the door, locked it, and joined his family on the floor. Nicky was lying on the couch lazily, but Neal was on the floor with the twins as well. “Poppa’s home!” Neal said excitedly, getting the twins all riled up for his husband. The twins pushed themselves up and threw themselves at him because they were so excited to see him.

“Hello, my beautiful babies,” Peter said with a small laugh as he held onto both toddlers. “Poppa missed you so much today.” And he definitely had. He’d missed his husband and their children, especially after receiving that note at work that still unnerved him. It did help ease his mind to know that Neal hadn’t been killed while he was away. He had faith in Jones’ ability to watch over Neal and the kids. Glancing up at Nicky, Peter said, “Nicky boy is too tired to say hi to his poppa?”

Grinning, Nicky slid off of the couch and jumped at his poppa, too. “Hi, poppa. Welcome home.” He kissed Peter’s cheek and loved when his poppa laughed again. Neal just sat there and watched in silent bliss as their children attacked their poppa with love. Peter definitely needed this when he came home and Neal knew Peter had a stressful day at work. They hadn’t had lunch together because Peter was so stressed out, so he was worried about his husband. Making the older man happy was his intention upon seeing Peter come into their home.

After dinner, Peter relaxed on the couch in the living room and watched _Frozen_ for the very first time with the twins. He knew Nicky and Neal loved it and it was considerably obvious that Elizabeth and Diana did as well since they’d named their daughter Elsa, so he finally gave in. Neal was doing something in the kitchen, but Peter could hear him singing along to the songs. Smiling softly, he did watch the movie, but he listened to his husband more so.

When Neal came into the living room, he laid on the couch, resting his head on his husband’s lap as he watched the movie with them quietly. Nicky was doing his homework at the coffee table because he wanted to watch the movie, too.

Peter stroked his husband’s hair gently and smiled down at him from time to time. Neal rubbed Peter’s thigh a bit and he eventually pressed a gentle kiss against Peter’s pants. Peter chuckled, but he had no complaints. He watched Neal when another song came on and then he gently nudged his husband. “Aren’t you going to sing?” he whispered.

“I didn’t think you’d want me to.”

Peter rolled his eyes as soon as Neal looked up at him. “I love it when you sing, honey.” As soon as he said that, Neal began to quietly sing along with the movie, which Brie and Joey absolutely loved. They didn’t appreciate Neal’s voice the way Peter does, but they loved hearing their daddy sing. Neal watched the movie a handful of times with the twins while Peter was working, so he figured Neal eventually had to memorize the songs if he hadn’t done so the first time.

By the time the movie ended, the twins were on the couch, sleeping while leaning on Neal’s ass or Neal’s legs. Neal’s head was still on Peter’s lap and Peter noticed that Neal eventually grew very quiet himself. Nicky giggled when he glanced at the couch. “I think you put them all to sleep, poppa.”

Smirking at his son, he said, “You’d be asleep, too, if you were up here with all of us.”

“I don’t think I’d fit with the four of you,” Nicky teased. “I used to fit on the couch with just the two of you and now I can’t really fit into your bed with the two of you.” Peter chuckled a bit and nodded. Nicky had gotten a lot bigger since he was nine years old. “I’m gonna be sixteen soon, poppa.”

“Jesus Christ. When did you get so old?” Nicky grinned at him and Peter shook his head. “I remember when you were littler than you are now. You’re not allowed to get any older or any taller.” Nicky giggled again and Peter couldn’t help smiling at his son. “I think you’ve reached your peak for height though. Your daddy and…”

“You can just call her Kate. She gave birth to me, but it’s kind of like what Karen did for us when she gave us the twins.”

Peter nodded slightly. “Your daddy and Kate aren’t very tall in general. I think you’re almost as tall as dad and I can’t really see you getting any taller than him unless it’s actually true that I got him pregnant and he gave birth to a nine year old when we got together.” Nicky laughed and shook his head now. He knew what the joke was between his parents and he heard them from his bedroom a few times to know that the joke was still ongoing between the two of them. “You need to stop getting so big, buddy.”

“Maybe you and dad should stop getting so old.”

Chuckling, Peter said, “Watch it, smartass.” Nicky gave him the same little smile that Neal did when Neal was teasing him and it took Peter’s breath away. Nicky nearly mirrored his father in every single way and Peter fell in love with everything Neal ever did, so he found it really easy to fall in love with his son, too. The mannerisms between the two of them were so identical and Peter wondered if Neal realized that as well. Even Nicky’s laughter and giggles sounded something like Neal’s. Nicky’s voice was a little different in comparison, but Peter figured _something_ had to be different between the two of them. Or maybe Nicky just had yet to grow into his father’s voice...

“Do you want me to help you get the twins upstairs, poppa?”

Peter nodded. “If you wouldn’t mind getting them both upstairs—one at a time, of course—I’ll try to wake up the creature on my lap.” Nicky laughed again and stood up to take Brie upstairs first. Gently, Peter nudged Neal’s shoulder and whispered, “Honey, I need you to wake up so we can get to bed.” Neal didn’t stir at all and Peter rolled his eyes. “I swear to God, if you make me carry you…” Neal only seemed to nuzzle his face against Peter’s lap, but he still wasn’t awake.

“No luck?” Nicky teased when he picked Joey up.

“Nope, but I’ll just roll him off of the couch once you move.” Nicky grinned. He knew Peter wasn’t going to do that, but the thought was amusing to the teenager. As soon as Nicky headed upstairs again, Peter rubbed Neal’s back. “Hon, it’s time to get up.” Neal finally began to stir and Peter sighed contentedly as he watched Neal turn over and rub his face against his stomach. “Come on, baby. It’s time for us to get to bed.”

Neal murmured, “I was dreaming about you,” and Peter smiled a little. “I think it was a memory though because it felt so familiar.” Peter stroked Neal’s hair in the hopes that Neal would talk about his dream so he could confirm or deny that it really happened. “You were holding me close and we watched the sunset together as…as Nicky ran around.” Peter smiled because that’d happened once or twice. “It was after we got married because you kept rubbing your wedding ring against my skin.”

Peter could remember that moment. It’d been shortly after he’d gotten shot and went home. “That was a memory,” Peter whispered. “Do you remember what I said to you?”

Neal was quiet for a few moments and Peter knew he was trying to remember. “You said that nothing, even the sunset, would ever come close to being as beautiful as I am,” he eventually said. Peter’s heart fluttered because that was absolutely correct. He continued stroking Neal’s hair and kept smiling down at him. “You’re such a sweet man, Peter.”

Moments like this made him forget about the stresses of his workday and he was grateful for that. Watching _Frozen_ with his family had been nice and he did enjoy the movie. It wasn’t nearly as good as any of the other classic Disney movies he and Neal watched like mad with Nicky—and sometimes even without Nicky. He preferred the older movies because he loved watching Neal’s face light up like a child’s whenever he watched them and sang to the songs in them.

Each time he watched a Disney movie with Neal, he knew he could live through an entire Disney marathon with his husband and not complain once. “Well, I meant it then and I still do. I have yet to see anything more beautiful than the man I’ve fallen in love with.” He could feel Neal smiling against him now. “The kids come in considerably close second, but you’re always going to be the reason I have kids in the first place.”

The two of them eventually got up off of the couch and headed up to bed, but they checked on the twins first and then went into Nicky’s room to say good night to the teenager. Before both men had the chance to leave the room, Nicky whispered, “Maybe you guys could try to be a little quieter tonight?”

“Maybe you should be asleep so early into the next morning,” Neal said in response.

“…I was.”

Neal and Peter paused for a moment and then chuckled. “Well, we could be arguing with each other very loudly—or we could have sex loudly. Which would you prefer?”

Grumbling, “Sex,” under his breath, Nicky turned over to face the wall. His fathers chuckled and said one last good night to their son, but Nicky stopped them again. “I’m just glad you two are so happy with each other.” Nicky turned over to look at them and he gave them a small smile. “Try to get daddy to shut up a bit though. His loud ‘oh’ and ‘yes’ wakes me up sometimes before he yells your name.”

Neal’s face heated up and Peter smirked at his husband. He didn’t want to quiet his husband down by any means, but he thought it was funny that Neal was the one who always seemed to wake Nicky up. “When you’re older and in a relationship with someone you’re very passionate about, you’ll understand,” Peter said when he realized Neal wasn’t going to speak. “Sorry if we wake you up again later.” Nicky groaned and Peter chuckled. “Good night, silly kid.”

And with that, both men headed into their bedroom. “How the hell does he hear us from across the house? Even your parents haven’t commented recently on how loud I am and they’re closer.”

“They’re probably too busy having sex to listen to us.” Peter took it upon himself to strip his husband down to his skin before undressing himself and then he proceeded to ask, “Are you feeling up to making love?”

Scoffing, Neal said, “Of course I am. How could I possibly turn down sex with such a handsome man?”

“Well…”

“Shut up and love the hell out of me.”

Peter chuckled and got the two of them onto the bed and beneath their blanket rather quickly. He prepared Neal’s body as quickly as he possibly could before making love to his husband—while facing him. Neal didn’t seem against that this time and Peter was a little relieved by that. While it’d been a little interesting to take Neal from behind, Peter definitely preferred looking at his husband so he could watch the ecstasy on his husband’s face.

Neal was trying very hard to keep himself a little quieter this time, but Peter was purposely doing what he could to elicit an audible response from his husband. If they made love in complete silence, Peter didn’t think it’d be anywhere close to being as enjoyable as it is. They’d made love silently once or twice in the past and it didn’t feel quite as comfortable as this verbalization does.

The louder Neal was and the more sounds he made, the more confident Peter felt about the way he pleases his husband. If he ever did anything Neal didn’t like, he hoped Neal would tell him that. “Baby,” he moaned when Neal jerked his hips a certain way that aroused Peter further. “Oh, Neal…” He pressed his lips against Neal’s and kissed him passionately as he continued to thrust into the younger man. He loved how warm Neal is. His skin, his lips, and his insides were all warm.

Being with Neal is as much an honor as it is a pleasure. Of all the people Neal could be sharing his bed with, Neal chose him. Upon breaking their kiss, Peter nipped at Neal’s neck a few times and then he sucked on Neal’s neck until he left a hickey on his husband’s skin. It was his way of marking Neal—of claiming Neal as his.

After about half an hour, Peter had Neal repeatedly crying out ‘yes’ and ‘Peter’ alternatively until he finally came while crying out Peter’s name. Peter always loved when Neal came because Neal tends to yell his name each time. He kept thrusting into his husband and kissed the younger man’s lips until he finally came while saying his husband’s name reverently. As they laid and breathed together, Neal whispered, “I am so lucky.”

Laughing lightly, Peter asked, “Why’s that?”

“I have a man who loves me as passionately as he makes love to me.” He wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and stared up at his husband. He was exhausted physically, but the emotional side of him was still active. Peter was smiling down at him, which made his heart pound. Having Peter look at him like this meant the world to him and he wished he could express that to Peter. “Anyone can have sex and say they love someone. You though… You make love to my body, my heart, and my soul and show me your love with each touch, each kiss, and every smile.”

Completely forgetting about the fact that he had a week before something terrible could possibly happen to Neal, Peter leaned down and kissed his husband, whispering, “All of me belongs to you and I will always give myself to you.” As he stroked Neal’s hair slowly, he softly said, “Only you.”


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...Peter just can't catch a break lately.

While sitting at the dining room table alone at three in the morning, Peter reread all of the notes he’d been given and he was trying to decipher some hidden message. Nothing was particularly coming to mind as he considered the first letters of every word, the last letters, and attempted to fold the paper a few times. He was getting increasingly frustrated because he wanted to meet this bastard’s demands—or at least find out what they were—before something happened to his husband.

He felt like he should tell Neal about them, but he still had yet to do so. When he figured things out, he had every intention of revealing this to his husband. He just wanted to know everything before bringing his husband further into things. If Neal had to be hidden, he knew they could easily put him into a safe house. Neal was very aware of the safety precautions Peter had in place and Peter showed him where to go if something ever happened.

Thinking these thoughts depressed him and frightened him. He didn’t want to think about having to hide his family away in a safe house again, but he’d do it if it came down to that. He’d rather stuff them in that small house than lose any or all of them. His priority in regards to his family was keeping them safe. It was a frightening thought because he wouldn’t do this unless he believed their lives were in severe danger.

When Craig had been coming after them, he wanted to kill Neal. Remembering that Craig had the intention of raping his husband and remaining inside of his husband before killing him made Peter furious. Craig wanted Neal to die while he was inside of him and Peter was glad the fucker was dead. He was glad he’d killed that animal.

Rachel didn’t have the intention of killing Neal as far as he knew. It just seemed like she wanted him back alive. The thing is, he doesn’t believe Rachel is the one responsible for all of these cryptic clues that obviously led to something. He just couldn’t figure this out and he was hesitant to bring it in to the bureau’s cryptologists. Whatever they did would end up being traceable and he didn’t need that.

Peter was determined to figure this out himself.

“Are you coming back to bed?” Peter startled when he realized his husband was standing in the archway between the living room and dining room. He’d been too focused on these notes to hear his husband coming down the stairway. “Why did you leave in the first place? We’re not fighting or anything.”

The older man shuffled his files around a bit and carefully slid the notes into a folder he could grab later. “I remember that there was something I forgot to do for work. I’m sorry for waking you up, baby.” Neal looked sleepy as he reached out in the hopes that Peter would come to him and come back to bed with him. “Do you want to make love or just go back to sleep?”

“I’m half out of it right now. It took a lot to make it down the stairs safely,” he admitted when Peter finally came to him and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. “I wouldn’t mind having you inside of me though.” Peter gave him a small smile before lifting his left hand to caress Neal’s cheek. “I won’t fall asleep until we’re done, but I can’t promise that I’ll be as active as I’d like to be.”

“I could always just put myself inside of you and we could go to sleep like that.” He wasn’t against making love right now, but he preferred it if Neal were willing to participate happily.

Neal smiled a goofy smile up at him and nodded. “I’d like it if you did that.”

Peter chuckled and nodded, taking his husband up to their bedroom. They crawled into bed together after stripping and Peter was a little grateful for the fact that Neal still seemed pretty open and willing after their lovemaking earlier. All he really had to do was gently slip into his husband’s body and wait until Neal found a comfortable position to sleep in. Neal could move him around if he wanted to, but Neal chose to shift around until he decided he wanted to take all of Peter’s length into him, pressing himself back against Peter’s body.

Draping his arm over Neal’s waist to rub his stomach, Peter kissed Neal’s shoulder. “How’s that feel?”

“Wonderful,” Neal whispered contentedly. Peter slowly began to move against Neal’s body, eliciting quiet moans from the younger man. He wanted to make his husband feel good and he was thrilled when Neal’s left hand reached back. Neal’s hand grabbed his ass and Peter loved having Neal’s hands on him.

Peter was as deep as he could possibly be inside of Neal and he actually did like how it felt. Neal’s body was always so warm… “Good night, my angel.”

Neal pulled his hand back and rested it over the hand Peter placed on his stomach. “Good night, sweetheart.”

The younger man fell asleep rather quickly, but Peter didn’t have that same luck. Instead, he laid in bed behind his husband, tracing the muscles of Neal’s abdomen slowly. He was having a hard time getting himself to sleep because his mind was still very active in regards to the notes he received. Being with Neal made him anxious because he wondered if this particular individual were targeting Neal because of something he’d done.

He’d put a lot of criminals behind bars for quite some time, so it could be possible that he’d have someone out to get revenge and ended up taking it out on his husband. Then again, Neal had been an agent as well and he’d done his fair share of putting criminals in jail or prison. Regardless of the circumstances related to why this individual wanted to kill Neal, Peter didn’t want to take any chances. He kept wracking his brain well into the next morning and he knew he was going to regret staying awake all night as soon as he got into work.

Neal woke up a little after seven-thirty as Peter came out of their bathroom in a towel. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” Peter said endearingly as he stared at Neal’s bed-head. Neal smiled up at his husband even though it was very obvious to him that Peter hadn’t slept. He knew something was really bothering his husband, but he didn’t particularly want to force Peter to talk about whatever it may be. If Peter wanted him to know, he was fairly certain Peter would have talked to him about it.

“Good morning, handsome,” Neal said softly in response. He reached out and Peter came closer, taking his hand and bending over slightly so he could kiss the back of Neal’s hand. Neal snickered a bit and Peter loved the little, happy gleam in his husband’s eyes.

Squeezing Neal’s hand gently, Peter whispered, “I have to get going soon, my love. Nicky’s finishing up something downstairs and I just finished showering, so we’ll be leaving in about ten minutes.”

Whining quietly, Neal said, “Why can’t you just come back home after you take him to school?” Peter smiled a bit. “I want you here—in bed with me.” When Peter leaned closer to give him a kiss, Neal realized that Peter looked awful. Not ‘awful’ in the sense that he was disgusted with Peter’s appearance, but ‘awful’ in the sense that it looked like he hadn’t slept well in quite some time. “Babe, are you okay?” he asked after Peter pulled away.

“Yes. Why?” Peter asked hesitantly. He didn’t think Neal would have checked his folders for the notes, but anything was possible, he supposed.

“No offense,” Neal said instantly, “but you look like hell, Peter.” Peter frowned at him then and Neal grabbed Peter’s hand, pulling on him gently until he sat on the bed. Neal tried to analyze his husband’s face and he was getting really concerned. Lately, Peter seemed a little distant or a little needy. He definitely didn’t mind the neediness, but the occasional distance Peter put between them was the part he didn’t appreciate. “What’s going on, Peter?”

Peter shrugged and muttered, “Nothing important.”

Neal wasn’t going to take that as a significant answer. “Peter, don’t lie to me. I know something’s bothering you. Something’s been bothering you.” Peter bit his lip and that was when Neal knew he’d trapped his husband. He wasn’t proud of that, but he wanted Peter to know he is more than welcome to open up to him about whatever it is that’s been on his mind. “Peter, I’m more than happy to listen to you. If something or someone is hurting you—if I’m hurting you—”

“You’ve done nothing wrong,” Peter said instantly.

“Then who or what is? I’ve been worried about you because I don’t know what’s wrong and I can’t help if I don’t know what the problem is.” He hoped he didn’t sound like he was forcing Peter to talk to him. All he wanted to do was get his husband to open up to him and share his concerns with him. “I love you and I don’t like seeing you so miserable every now and then.”

Peter sighed and Neal sincerely hoped Peter was going to give in. “There’s just… There’s been a lot of shit going on at work and it’s stressing me out.” He squeezed Neal’s fingers and whispered, “I’m sorry for worrying you, honey.” Neal shook his head and pushed himself up enough so that he could initiate a kiss this time.

“Don’t apologize. I’m married to and in love with you. You’re important to me—very important.” Peter was able to smile then because he appreciated when Neal said things to make him feel important, as he said, or a little special. “You’ve told me that whatever hurts me hurts you. Well, what hurts you hurts me, Peter.”

The older man didn’t know if he could love Neal more than he already does. Despite that, he felt the need to turn the tables on his husband. “Is that why _you_ haven’t been sleeping well?”

Neal hadn’t expected Peter to turn this around and focus on him. He gaped at Peter for a moment before closing his mouth and whispering, “This isn’t about me, Peter. We’re talking about you.” Peter gave him a look and Neal sighed now. “Yeah. It’s hard to sleep when you’re restless. Don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping with you, but it’s very obvious when you’re dreaming about something unpleasant or you’re thinking unpleasant things before you can even fall asleep—if you fall asleep.” Peter nodded, understanding that entirely.

Peter remembered when Neal used to have such terrible night terrors that had him thrashing around in his sleep as though he were trying to escape from Vincent or Craig. He had trouble sleeping then, too. He didn’t think he was practically assaulting Neal while he was asleep, but he knew Neal would wake up if he shifted around enough to disturb his sleep. “I’m sorry, baby.”

The younger man shook his head. “No more apologies from you,” he whispered. “I know most things at work are supposed to be confidential, but I hope you know you can talk to me about anything. If there’s a case or a particular criminal that’s on your mind, you can tell me about it. I won’t tell anyone else.”

Chuckling, Peter said, “When have I ever kept anything confidential from you?” Neal smiled up at him. “Thanks, angel. You’re incredibly sweet and I love you very much.”

Neal kissed his husband yet again before saying, “I’ll do anything for you. Even if I’m just listening to you talk, I’ll do it without complaint.” Peter pecked his lips and then he kissed Neal’s forehead. “You’ve done so much for me, Peter. Not that I’m trying to pay back a debt or anything, but I owe you a hell of a lot.”

Peter scoffed. “You owe me nothing. I have you—you, your heart, your love…” He lifted his other hand to caress Neal’s cheek. “You’re the only payment I’ll ever take for _anything._ ” He’d never tell Neal that Neal owes him anything. Everything he’s done for Neal, he’s done it because he wanted to. That’s how it would always be. “Thank you for being mine, Neal.”

Neal whispered, “I’ve always been yours.” He meant that. Even when he’d been confused about his feelings upon coming back, he knew he couldn’t love anybody else. There was just something about Peter. He felt drawn to Peter, like he belonged to and with Peter.

As Neal dragged himself out of bed, pulled his robe on, and walked downstairs with his son and husband, Neal knew that this is exactly where he’s meant to be and he’s with the exact people he’s supposed to be with. He wouldn’t trade his family for the world and he hoped to God that nothing ever happened to any one of them. “I love you,” Peter whispered as he kissed and hugged his husband before heading out.

“I love you, too. Be safe out there.” Peter caressed Neal’s jaw line and smiled sweetly at him. It was a silent promise that he’d come home to Neal even if he were on the very brink of death. Nothing was going to stop him from coming home to his beautiful family.

Nicky hugged his daddy before leaving with his poppa. He always liked the loving interactions between his fathers because they inspired him. If, after everything they’ve been through, they still felt so genuinely in love, he knew he’d find someone who feels that way about him someday. Maybe it was Trent, but maybe not. Either way, he just wanted to have the relationship that his fathers have.

Neal watched his husband leave the house, wishing he could’ve begged Peter to stay home with him. Before Peter got into the car, he glanced at where Neal was standing and gave him one last beautiful smile.

•◊•

The following evening, Peter sent his husband a text message around six o’clock to let him know that things were running a little later than he’d anticipated. He wasn’t quite sure when he’d be able to come home, but he made sure he let Neal know that he misses him so much. Things were going well between them, so Neal didn’t doubt the fact that Peter had to work late. After all of the revisions that Kramer made to their workload, Peter was only working overtime because Rachel had been mentioned. As far as Neal knew, this was just an average stakeout. He didn’t want to worry his husband if he didn’t need to.

As of this moment, Peter was sitting in the van with Diana. Despite having to focus while on the job, he was half-tempted to mentally analyze all of his notes from the mysterious sender out so he could consider them all over again and try to get to the bottom of this once and for all. He had five days left before something was going to happen and he had no idea as to what this bastard had in mind. If he didn’t find anything useful within the next day or two, he was pulling his husband and their children out of their home and taking them to a safe house. In recent weeks, Peter spoke to Neal about a safe house—the same safe house they’d used when Craig was going after Neal and Neal faked his death—because he wanted Neal to know he could take their children to safety if something were to happen to him while he was on the job.

Neal was prepared to do whatever needed to be done for their children, but that didn’t mean Peter wanted Neal to have to go through with their initial game plan. He didn’t have to retrain Neal when it came to his handgun because Neal seemed to know what he was doing, so that was a relief. The day before, he took Neal to a shooting range during his lunch hour just to test Neal’s skills with a gun and he was very impressed by his husband. The younger man hadn’t missed a shot and, when Peter asked him how he did that, Neal only shrugged and said he really wasn’t sure. Nonetheless, it was nice to know Neal was all set when it came to guns because he didn’t know if Neal would ever have to resort to protecting their kids with a gun.

Recently, Neal’s instinct kicked in and he’d assumed someone was going to break into their home. Peter came into their home to find his husband pointing a gun at him. While that sight hadn’t been comforting at first, he now realized that Neal was positioned as though he were still working out in the field _and_ he held his gun perfectly.

Right now, Peter was trying to remind himself repeatedly that his phone was tapped and he needed to be careful. He didn’t think Neal’s phone had been messed with, but he honestly wasn’t sure. If Neal had a bug in his phone, then that meant that someone broke into their home at some point and stealthily slipped bugs into their phones. That unnerved him a great deal because he felt like he should’ve woken up with an intruder in their home.

When Neal finally texted him back, he knew his husband was a little upset. Honestly, he couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t happy about spending his evening in the van. He’d much rather spend time with his family. Neal’s response seemed normal, but Peter could read between the lines. “ _Just do me a favor and don’t get shot. Please. That’s all I’m asking of you, sweetheart._ ”

Peter smiled sadly at his phone as he hit the reply button, “I’m coming home to you no matter what. I miss you so much and wish I could be there…”

He waited for Neal to respond, but he knew Neal was working on dinner, eating dinner, or had already finished dinner and was now playing with the twins. When his phone vibrated, he immediately looked at it. “ _Believe me when I say I wish you could be here. Brie and Joey keep asking about their poppa—and they actually said they love you. I wish you could’ve heard how sweet they sounded._ ”

That hurt Peter’s heart because he wanted to be around the house for things like this. He wanted to be there to hear his toddlers tell him they love him because that would’ve meant the world and more to him. All of these notes and cryptic clues were stressing him out, but his family grounded him and relaxed him. “I’ll make sure I’m around to hear them say it again. I really want to go home to you, baby.”

Within moments, Neal was asking, “ _Do you know how much longer you might be out?_ ”

Peter sighed quietly and Diana glanced at him. “Everything okay, boss?” He shook his head without looking away from his phone. “Neal?” Peter nodded silently, setting his phone down as he closed his eyes. “Is he upset with you?”

“He just wants me to come home as soon as I possibly can,” Peter said quietly. “He is upset, but not with me. He’s upset because we weren’t able to make love this morning or have lunch this afternoon.” Diana gave him a concerned look. “We kind of got into it this morning, but then I was called in around five-thirty, so of course he didn’t appreciate the fact that I had to pull out of him rather quickly.” He didn’t feel as awkward talking to Diana about this. She is someone he trusts and she, being in a homosexual and sometimes-complicated relationship of her own, understood.

Diana nodded and said, “Well, you’ll see him soon.”

“I really hope so. I don’t like leaving him hanging—in bed or with the kids.”

Raising an eyebrow, Diana teased him and said, “Oh, I’m sure Neal took care of himself. He’s a big boy now, Peter.”

Peter shook his head and felt compelled to tell her, “Neal doesn’t really masturbate. The only time we’ve ever really done that was when he was down in DC before his father died.” Diana looked amused and he rolled his eyes. “He tried to get himself off when we were just beginning to get him accustomed to living in our house and he couldn’t do it then.”

“He touches himself when he’s with you though.”

Shaking his head once more, Peter said, “I can’t remember the last time he touched himself while we were together.” She looked amazed and he said, “I think you watch too much gay porn. It’s different for me and Neal—even more so lately.”

“Oh?”

“Remember how we had those really long hiatuses in our sexual relationship after his rapes or when we temporarily stopped whenever he was afraid?” She nodded. “He isn’t like that anymore. He’s very sexually charged. Being with him now is so strange, but I won’t lie and say I don’t like it.”

She was intrigued by what Peter told her. “What’s new in the bedroom?”

He shrugged and said, “Neal lets me play rough with him. We’re doing things we’ve never really done before.” He felt like he probably should stop talking about his and Neal’s sex life because he knew Neal probably wouldn’t appreciate having Diana know about their bedroom activities. “I spent so much time thinking he was lying to me, but I’m starting to realize he’s been truthful all this time. When I’m rough or when I do something unexpected, I haven’t once seen fear in his eyes.”

“But he’s still…Neal, right?”

“Oh, yeah. Of course. It’s just… I’m not used to him wanting to do these things. I admitted to him that I’ve had thoughts about what it’d be like to have really rough sex with him or to mess around in other ways, but I’ve always suppressed those thoughts because I knew how Neal would feel if I ever did those things to him.” He paused and took a moment to consider what he’d just said. “Neal is still my Neal. He’s just…different. I love him as much as I did before—if not more. He encourages me to be rough and I’m just not used to him being like that. Eventually, I’ll be able to cope with the fact that my husband has changed since losing his memory.”

Nodding, Diana said, “Maybe this is good for you two. I know when you two have sex in the morning before work because you come in all happy and tired.” He raised an eyebrow and smirked a bit. “You’ve been a lot happier around the bureau.”

“He makes things exciting for me. I really enjoy being with him and I’m beginning to enjoy doing the things I do to him. I’ve surprised myself with the way I made love to him.” She chuckled and he smiled faintly as he glanced at his phone again. He responded to Neal and told him that he wasn’t sure how much longer he was going to be out, but he promised he’d text Neal when he was on his way home. “I really miss him.”

When Peter looked up from his phone, he could see that Diana was on her phone as well. “I understand. El’s acting all needy and pleading for me to come home, too.” Peter chuckled because he knew Elizabeth loved her wife if she begged her to come home. All she’d ever begged of Peter was that he come back in one piece at the end of the day. “She’s a little sex fiend herself.”

Laughing, Peter said, “Oh, definitely. I would know.” Diana chuckled and glanced at him. It was a little strange knowing that her boss had sex with her wife—when she was his wife. Considering where they both are in their lives right now, it was just only slightly strange to look at someone who’d been inside of her wife. “I’m glad she’s with you though. You encouraged me to get out of the closet and stole my wife.” She smirked at him now. “Of all the women she could’ve ended up with, I’m thrilled that she’s with you. I know you’ll treat her really well and take care of her.”

“Just as you do with your hubby.”

They both settled into a comfortable and content silence. Peter was staring at the camera screen, waiting for something to happen, and nothing was happening. It was actually rather frustrating because he felt like he could be at home with his family. Sitting here wasn’t productive at all and he watched the clock. As it rolled around to two in the morning, he felt awful. Neal stopped texting him two hours ago and he wished he could be in bed right now. It didn’t matter if they were sleeping together or making love. He just wanted to be in bed with his husband.

He was surprised when his phone lit up and Neal’s face appeared. Immediately glancing at it, he read Neal’s text message. “ _I can’t sleep. I tried, but I can’t._ ”

Sighing quietly, he texted back, “I’m sorry, honey. I think we’re going to call it quits for tonight.”

After a few moments, Neal wrote: “ _I’m in bed right now. I’ll wait for you to come home because I know I can’t sleep without you._ ”

Peter felt like leaving abruptly, but he decided to call Kramer. It’s two in the morning, but if he couldn’t be home and in bed with his husband, he didn’t want Kramer resting peacefully. “ _Burke? Do you realize what time it is?_ ”

“Yes, I do. There’s been absolutely no activity here whatsoever in the last fifteen hours.” Kramer was silent and Peter asked, “Can we call this off for the night?”

“ _Yes. Go home. If you need to, take the day off._ ”

Peter looked so relieved when Diana looked at him after he’d gotten off of the phone. “I just got off of the phone with Kramer. It’s time for us to go home.” He let her know that Kramer allowed them—because he didn’t want to think it just applied to him—to take the next day off. They had every intention of doing that considering they missed their spouses and children. Diana drove the van back to the bureau and parked it before they both headed to their individual cars after saying good night to each other.

As Peter sat in the Taurus, he texted his husband to let him know he was coming home. It’d been twenty minutes since Neal texted him and he figured Neal was probably exhausted and finally fell asleep. He didn’t feel like obsessively texting his husband. One message was good enough and he was going home anyway.

As soon as he’d gotten home, he went upstairs to his bedroom. Neal was asleep on their bed with his phone right next to his face. He even looked exhausted. “Peter…” he whispered as he shifted a bit to make himself more comfortable. Peter watched him turn over and grab the pillow he should be laying on. Neal loved Peter’s pillow simply because it’s Peter’s.

Peter’s stomach growled and he decided that he didn’t want to wake Neal up if he didn’t have to just yet. He leaned over a bit and kissed Neal’s cheek, whispering, “I love you, my gorgeous angel.” He smiled when Neal smiled a little. Neal wasn’t awake, but Peter felt like Neal knew he was there. Snoring softly, Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s pillow.

After moving Neal’s phone over to the nightstand and putting it on the charger, Peter readjusted the blanket covering his husband. Neal was still fully clothed, but it was a little chilly, so he made sure his husband stayed warm until he got into bed with him. “Mm…” Neal moaned quietly in his sleep when Peter gently stroked his cheek.

Chuckling quietly, Peter whispered, “My beautiful, beautiful baby…” Neal looked so adorable as he slept and Peter absolutely loved it. “I promise I’ll come right back to you. I just need to eat something before I starve.” He knew Neal probably couldn’t hear him, but he stroked Neal’s hair and Neal smiled again. “God. I love you so much, Neal.”

He finally managed to pull himself away from his husband before he woke him. Neal was tired and he was sleeping, so Peter didn’t want to disturb his sleep any more than he already had.

Heading downstairs, Peter went into the kitchen and found the leftovers he knew would be right there waiting for him with a sticky note attached. He pulled out the little container Neal put his food into and smiled when he looked at Neal’s note. _Microwave—two minutes. Stir. Microwave—one minute. Eat, my love._ There was a little heart after that and Peter’s own heart swelled with joy.

Peter did exactly what Neal’s note told him to do and then he stood beside the kitchen counter and ate right there. He didn’t feel the need to sit down because he’d been sitting for a good portion of the day unless he stood up to stretch his stiff muscles.

He didn’t realize just how hungry he was until he noticed that he was eating like a savage man. Neal probably would have laughed at him if he were to see him like this. He could just hear Neal’s little laugh and it made him incredibly happy. Neal’s personality and sexual appetite had changed quite a bit, but Neal’s laugh and smile hadn’t changed at all. For that, he was grateful.

When he turned with the intention of getting himself a drink and pulled a bottle of wine out of the refrigerator, he heard something soar through the air outside before breaking through the kitchen window quietly and lodging itself in his bicep. He let out a small cry as he glanced at the object. It was a dart. He gasped when he realized it was a tranquilizer. He knew he had a few minutes before it would begin to take effect, but it certainly didn’t help that a second dart came through the window and stopped beside the first dart.

Quickly, Peter dropped the bottle of wine and reached up on top of the refrigerator for Neal’s gun. He grabbed it and had it in his hands. Hell, he even turned towards the window and aimed in the direction the darts had come from, but having two tranquilizer darts in his arm had him struggling.

It only took a minute or two before they fully took effect and he collapsed on the kitchen floor. He was lying beside the bottle of wine that had shattered and spilled all over the floor when he released it and went for the gun. The gun clattered onto the hard floor in front of him.

Mere moments after he’d dropped and lost consciousness, the kitchen door opened.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's wake up call isn't pleasant the morning after.

Neal, after going to bed fairly late the previous night woke up later than he usually did. He was kind of cold and wondered where Peter was. Opening his eyes, he saw his phone on the nightstand and on the charger, so Peter did come home safely and he was glad to see that. When he turned over, he thought the bed might be a little warm because it couldn’t have been very long since Peter left to take Nicky to school. Now that he was waking up a little more, his brows furrowed when he realized he was still sleeping on Peter’s pillow. Peter hadn’t taken it back and Neal wondered why.

Glancing at the time, he realized it was a little after eight in the morning. Sighing, Neal climbed out of bed and went to check on the twins. He walked sleepily towards their room and was surprised when he heard snoring from his teenage son’s room. Once again, he furrowed his brows. Altering his initial course, Neal pushed Nicky’s bedroom door open and noticed that his son was still in his pajamas. “Nick?” he said as he walked into the bedroom. Nicky opened his eyes slowly and looked up at his daddy groggily. “Are you sick?”

“No,” Nicky murmured. “I have a test to take today either way though.”

Neal checked the clock on Nicky’s nightstand and whispered, “You’re almost forty-five minutes late for school.” Nicky shot up in bed and stared at his father in confusion before looking at the clock and returning his gaze to his father. This wasn’t settling well with Neal at all. “I’m going to call him.” Nicky nodded and followed Neal back to the master bedroom where Neal ripped is phone right off of the charger, unlocked it, and immediately speed-dialed Peter. Much to his distain, he heard Peter’s phone vibrating in their bedroom. He hung up quickly and Nicky knew something was really wrong if Neal were going into a panic. Nicky watched Neal dial someone else and Neal frantically said, “Diana, is Peter at work?”

“ _No. I thought he was taking the day off. He was pretty exhausted last night and couldn’t wait to get home to you._ ”

Neal’s heart was pounding in his chest fearfully and he whispered, “Peter didn’t take Nicky to school. It doesn’t look like Peter even slept in our bed. His phone’s in our bedroom, but he isn’t.” She asked him to remain calm while she made a few calls to ask agents that were now stationed in the area if they’d seen Peter leave. Neal didn’t wait for her to give him an answer. He immediately went downstairs with Nicky trailing behind him and the first thing he did was check the front door, shifting the blinds a bit. “Diana, his Taurus is in the driveway,” he whispered. Nicky knew Neal was trying to hold it together. As Neal spun again, he glanced at the dining room table to see if Peter were working there. As soon as he went into the dining room, he glanced into the kitchen and dropped his phone.

“Daddy?” Neal ran into the kitchen and Nicky watched him lose all sense of control. This was the first time he’d really seen his father in a panicked state since he’d come back from the last time he’d been kidnapped himself. When Nicky moved closer, he saw what Neal was seeing and he gasped. “Daddy, where’s poppa?” he asked, sounding as frightened as Neal felt.

Neal dropped to his knees and inspected the liquid on the floor closely as he tried to refrain from sobbing. The wine was pink and the shattered glass he was looking at was covered in red. There was also a picture of Peter on the floor and he knew it was one he’d taken on his phone. There was red all over the picture and an additional caption that read: _Come find me._

His breathing hitched and he pushed himself up when he realized he was staring at Peter’s blood on the floor and on the picture. He followed the trail of blood to the kitchen door that was slightly ajar. That in itself was unnerving as if seeing his husband’s blood on the floor hadn’t already unnerved him.

Darting past Nicky, Neal grabbed his phone off of the floor and stammered, “Something’s wrong. Diana, he was hurt. He’s gone.” She asked him to slow down, calm down, and explain what he was seeing. Neal frantically ran his fingers through his hair as he went back into the kitchen. He touched nothing because he didn’t want to tamper with evidence that could help the FBI find Peter. “There’s a gun and a broken wine glass on the floor and the wine itself was spilled. There’s blood on the floor. I think someone broke in and attacked him. Based on where his blood’s at, I think he was knocked out and fell onto the glass.”

“ _Neal, please try to stay calm. I’m telling Jones right now._ ” Neal could hear her speaking on her work phone, relaying what Neal told her to Jones. After a few moments, she spoke to Neal again. “ _He’s coming to you with a few agents. Open the door for him and I’m on my way, too._ ”

They disconnected their call and Neal ran to the living room, prying the door open just as Jones and five agents came bursting in with their guns out and loaded. “Daddy!” Nicky screeched. Neal’s eyes widened when he saw how terrified Nicky was. Holding his arms out, Nicky ran to his father and held him tightly. “Please tell me he’s gonna be okay. Please say we’ll get him back,” the teenager sobbed against him.

Neal’s breathing was erratic as he held his son. Jones and two agents went into the kitchen to inspect the area while the remaining two agents stayed with Neal and Nicky. “We’ll get him back,” Neal whispered, hoping fate wouldn’t make a liar out of him. “We’ll get him back,” he repeated in an attempt to convince himself of that so he could take care of their son. He rubbed Nicky’s back and listened to Jones call out a few things to the agents who went with him. They were checking for anything the assailant may have left behind and if they could use anything to figure out who broke into the Burke home.

Within moments, Jon and Hannah were rushing downstairs. Jon looked at the two agents in the living room, realized the front door was open, and saw the despair on Neal’s face as Nicky sobbed against him. “Neal,” Jon whispered as Neal immediately met his gaze. “Where’s Peter?”

Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes as he thickly said, “I don’t know.”

Jon moved towards his son-in-law and grandson, hugging them both tightly. “He came home, right?” Neal nodded as Jon stroked his hair in an attempt to soothe the younger man. “Were there any signs of a struggle?”

Neal knew the former police officer in Jon was coming out now. This was his son after all. “The kitchen.”

Jon nodded and kissed Neal’s forehead, gently stroked Nicky’s cheek, and left them in the living room so he could see the evidence for himself. Hannah joined the two in the living room and whispered, “What’s in the kitchen? He’s not…?”

“There’s blood on the floor,” Neal said. It sounded painful for him to relay this information to her and she understood. After all, this was her son and Neal’s husband. “He came home, but he didn’t come to bed. Something happened in the kitchen that made him drop a wine bottle, pull a gun, and lose consciousness from the looks of it and the blood trail that led to the kitchen door that was kind of open.”

The three of them moved to sit on the couch and Neal was internally screaming as he tried to figure out who could’ve done this. Was Rachel targeting Peter to get to him? Peter is one of his biggest weaknesses. It was only strange because he would have thought she’d go after their children rather than Peter. Whenever anyone wanted to get to him, they usually did it by threatening him with his children.

Neal glanced up when Jones finally came back into the living room. He looked desperate and Jones could see that he was hoping for some good news. “We can’t find any identifying evidence at the moment. Whoever took him down was highly skilled. They made two shots through the kitchen window.” Neal’s brows furrowed because that was one thing he’d missed. “We took pictures of everything. Did you touch anything before we got here?” As Diana came in, Neal was shaking his head. “All right. As long as you didn’t tamper with the evidence, we may be able to work with this.”

“I wouldn’t tamper with this,” Neal said furiously. “I want my husband home—safe.”

Jones nodded once before getting back to business. Jon rejoined his family in the living room and looked at his wife in despair. Nicky was holding onto Neal tightly, wishing someone could find something quickly so they could get his poppa back. While the Burkes were struggling, Diana solemnly said, “We need to bring you all in and find you somewhere safe to stay for now, Neal. We can’t allow you to stay here after your house was broken into and Peter was kidnapped.”

“Peter and I already have a plan in place,” he said quietly. Glancing at his son and parents-in-law, he whispered, “Go pack clothing and other essentials you can use or will need for the unforeseeable future.” The FBI agents were going through the entire kitchen and taking additional photos to use for evidence and analyzing, so Neal decided he could use this time to get his family ready to leave.

Neal went into his bedroom and stared at Peter’s side of the bed sadly. He hadn’t wanted this to happen and he hated Peter for tempting fate when they discussed this particular plan. At the time, he thought it’d just be a hypothetical precaution. He never expected Peter to be taken from their home in the middle of the night. A large part of himself put the blame on himself. If he hadn’t fallen asleep and if he’d waited for Peter to come home as he said he would, he could have done something. Peter could be here and all right if he’d stayed awake just a little longer. He shut his bedroom door as his lips began to tremble and as his eyes began to well up with tears.

He wasn’t trying to fall apart, but losing Peter scared the shit out of him. They always promised each other that they’d be together forever and he kept cursing himself in his mind, telling himself that forever wasn’t long enough if Peter didn’t come back from this. Thinking about never having Peter with him again made him angry because he was trying to refrain from drowning in his own despair. No one knows for certain if Peter is alive and no one could determine where it was that he was taken to. Peter’s blood on the floor shook Neal to his very core though.

For as long as he’s been with Peter, he believed Peter was invincible. The blood on their kitchen floor served as proof that Peter has the same mortality as anyone else. “Daddy?” Nicky said quietly on the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”

Neal calmed himself down, wiped his tears away, and took a few deep breaths before saying, “Yes, Nicky.”

The teenager entered his fathers’ bedroom in tears and Neal instantly felt awful. “Daddy, I want poppa back.” Nicky knew as well as Neal that it wasn’t that easy. They’d been kidnapped together, so Nicky knew firsthand that it wasn’t such a simple task to find someone who’d been taken. “Is there something I can do to help you find him?”

Initiating a hug with his son, Neal whispered, “Poppa would want me to take care of you and your brother and sister. There has to be something, some clue that I’m missing. I’m going to try to find him, Nick, but you and the twins are my and poppa’s priority. He’d want me to get you three to safety and that’s what I’m going to do right now.”

“No,” Nicky said angrily, backing away from Neal. “I’m gonna help you find him.”

“No, you’re not,” Neal retorted.

Nicky tensed and said, “I’m almost sixteen years old and—”

“I don’t give a damn how old you are, Nicolas James. No matter how old you are, you’re our son and you are _not_ getting involved.” Nicky pouted and Neal would’ve thought it was adorable under different circumstances. “I’m going to try to help the FBI find him, Nick,” he whispered. Resting his hands on his son’s shoulders, he softly added, “I need you to be the man of the house for a little bit. Brie and Joey need their big brother to take care of them, okay? I know you want to be out there searching for him, but the little ones need you and poppa would want you out of harm’s way as much as I do.”

Nicky understood and he did want to take care of the twins like his father was asking, but he didn’t want something to happen to his dad, too. “It’s not fair.”

Neal sighed and nodded. “I know, baby. I’m really sorry.” Stroking his son’s hair, he whispered, “If you take care of your brother and sister, I’ll reward you by bringing your poppa home. How does that sound?” Nicky stared up at his father’s face and wondered how Neal was going to contribute to the search. He wasn’t working for the FBI and Nicky highly doubted that they’d allow a civilian to aid them in a manhunt. When Nicky nodded and gave in to his father’s request, Neal whispered, “That’s my boy. You’re such a strong young man and I’m so proud of you.”

For a split second, it sounded like Neal’s personality prior to his brain being damaged had resurfaced. That was something Neal definitely would have said. “Just promise you’ll come home, too.”

“I promise,” Neal whispered. He would hate himself if he’d just made an empty promise, so he was going to do his damnedest to fulfill Nicky’s expectations. He would find Peter and come home with Peter safely. Their family would be a little safer once this was over. “Go finish packing. I’ll get the twins’ things.” Nicky nodded and left Neal to go back to his own room. Neal went into the twins’ room and realized they were both sitting up in their cribs. “Hey, kiddos,” he said softly as he moved to lift them into his arms and set them on the floor.

Both twins were thrilled to see Neal, but they could feel that something wasn’t right. “Where poppa?” Joey asked him after Neal set him down. Neal froze and stared at his son in amazement. He didn’t think the twins would comprehend that something was wrong.

Getting down onto his knees, he tried to think of something to say to his almost-two year old son. “Poppa’s at work,” was all he could come up with that he believed the toddler would understand. “Daddy’s going to take you out for a little bit, okay? We’ll play with your ball and blocks when we get there. Sound good?” Joey clapped and giggled gleefully. Neal smiled at his son’s innocence. Joey honestly made him feel a little better. “Can you help daddy?” He gestured for Brie to come over and she did. “Daddy wants you to get your toys,” he said as he pointed at their blocks, ball, and some other little things they could take with them, “and put them in here.” He grabbed the two diaper bags he and Peter stored under Joey’s crib and watched his twins do exactly as he’d asked.

Neal smiled as he watched them for a few moments. He only watched them very briefly because he needed to get their clothing and pull-ups. It was only a matter of time before they wouldn’t need pull-ups anymore. He’d been potty training them while Peter was working and things went well for the most part. It was difficult, but he was trying.

After Neal stuffed a bunch of the twins’ clothing into a bag, he startled as Jon asked, “How’re you holding up, kid?”

Sighing, Neal whispered, “Not very well.” He was struggling with his emotions a great deal right now. “I just want him home.” Jon smiled at how likeminded Peter and Neal were in situations like this. He watched Neal zip up the bag he was holding with trembling hands and knew Neal was going to shatter very soon. “I want him home,” he whispered thickly. Glancing at his father-in-law, he said, “I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want something terrible to happen to him.”

Jon nodded and moved into the room, pulling Neal against him so he could rub Neal’s back and let Neal release his emotions. “You know he’s one stubborn son of a bitch,” Jon whispered in his ear. “He’ll come back to you in one piece, son.”

“I know,” Neal said as he sniffled a bit. “I’m just afraid of something awful happening.” His entire body shuddered when the thought that whoever had taken Peter might have the intention of raping Peter occurred to him. Jon was concerned and listened to Neal let out a shaky breath. “I’m going to bring him home. I don’t give a damn if the FBI won’t let me join them. I’ll go after him myself.”

Chuckling, Jon kissed Neal’s neck. “I know you’ll be thrilled to hear that you have a visitor downstairs who’s interested in helping you bring him home.” Neal pulled back and furrowed his brows at the older man, wondering who he was talking about.

•◊•

While at the safe house, Neal pored over everything he’d brought with him. The kids were playing quietly near the beds and he was standing in the kitchen, staring down at all of the papers he managed to take before the FBI could. 

As a wine glass was set down on the countertop, a voice said, “You said before we left your home that there was something very concerning you wanted to talk to me about?”

Neal glanced to his right and nodded. “The picture that was in the kitchen with Peter’s blood all over it was a picture I took on my phone.” Mozzie gave him a perplexed look. “How did this bastard get into my phone?” Pulling a picture out of the folder he’d taken with him, he added, “And this was a picture on Peter’s phone.”

Mozzie’s eyes widened. “Do you have your phones?” Neal nodded and looked confused. “Give them to me.” Neal dug the phones out of his pockets and set them on the countertop where Mozzie instantly tore them open. Neal made a sound of protest and Mozzie put a hand up to silence him. “This,” he said as he showed Neal a little piece of technology that was inside of their phones, “is called a bug, mon frère. This is how they got into your phones. For all we know, they’ve been tracing your calls and text messages all this—” Mozzie turned towards the kids and said, “Nicky, let me see your phone.” Neal’s eyes widened when he realized that someone had broken into their home and bugged their phones.

As soon as Nicky gave his phone to Mozzie, he looked at his father in confusion and watched as Mozzie tore it open as he’d done with Peter and Neal’s phones. “Uncle Mozzie!”

“Hush, little one,” he said endearingly. “As I just explained to your father, your phones have all been bugged.” He showed Nicky what he was talking about and Nicky gaped at him. “Hannah and Jon, will you please let me inspect your phones as well?” Peter’s parents overheard and saw exactly what Mozzie had just done. Mozzie repeated the process with their phones and wasn’t surprised to find two more bugs.

Neal was furious now. Whoever took his husband had been inside of their home. His phone, his husband’s phone, his son’s phone, and his parents-in-law’s phones had all been tapped. “And now we dispose of them,” Neal growled. He grabbed two of them and tossed them to his feet, crushing them. “They were planted by someone in the government,” he snarled as he crushed the remaining bugs—except _one._ He didn’t know how he knew that’s where they’d come from, but he had an idea he knew who’d planted them—or at least ordered someone to plant them. “Kramer has to be behind this.”

Mozzie was staring at Neal, waiting for some indication as to what Neal was thinking and planning. “He took my husband.” Glancing at his son, he whispered, “And he took my children’s poppa.” His hands balled up into fists and his body tensed as he said, “He is _not_ going to get away with this.”

Neal managed to calm himself down for a couple of hours and he sat on the bed he and Peter had shared the last time they were in this safe house. As he scrunched the blanket between his fingers, he could remember making love with Peter as quietly as they possibly could with their family in the room. He was trying to think, but the memories he had very briefly here were relaxing him just a little.

“What’re you thinking, daddy?” Nicky asked as he crawled onto the bed to sit beside his father. Neal glanced at him and gave him a sad smile.

Taking his son’s hand in his, he intertwined their fingers and whispered, “I’m working on a plan, baby.” Neal kissed Nicky’s hair when Nicky leaned against him and sighed. “I know. I don’t like that he’s gone any more than you do, Nicky.” Neal looked over at Mozzie and could see that the older man was brainstorming as well. “Uncle Mozzie and I are going to find a way to bring him home. We can’t use the FBI as a reliable resource because Kramer has to be behind this.”

“Pardon my French,” Nicky whispered, “but this Kramer guy is an asshole.”

Neal chuckled. “You’re spot on, kiddo.” He heard Mozzie snicker across the room and he smirked. “When this is all over, I’m hoping he’ll be in prison for quite some time.”

Nicky sat up and asked, “How’re you going to prove that he’s behind this? If he is responsible for poppa getting kidnapped, he’s not going to admit it. You said you can’t use the FBI, so what are you going to do?”

Glancing at Mozzie, Neal whispered, “We have Diana and Jones. I’m not going to risk calling them just in case their phones are bugged. I don’t want Kramer to know we’ve got inside sources.” Mozzie nodded at the younger man.

A short while later, Neal was able to calm Nicky’s nerves by cuddling with him on the bed. As soon as Nicky was asleep, Neal slid out of bed and headed for the door. “Might I ask where you think you’re going?” Mozzie asked.

Neal chuckled. “Figured you were still awake,” he muttered. “I’m going to see Elizabeth and Diana.” Mozzie looked up at him quizzically. “I can’t go to the FBI and talk to her privately nor can I call her if her phone’s been bugged. I won’t risk Peter’s wellbeing like that.”

“But you’re risking your own wellbeing…”

“Peter’s done much more for me,” Neal said without skipping a beat. He met Mozzie’s gaze and realized Mozzie agreed with him and couldn’t really protest. “I know he’d tell me otherwise, but I owe him this. He’s done whatever he could to bring me home to the point of exhaustion and insomnia.” Neal could feel his connection to Peter deep within himself. Filled to the brim with his immense love for his husband and determination to save his husband, he whispered, “I’m going to bring my husband home just as he’s always brought me home.”

•◊•

Elizabeth, clad in a robe, pajamas, and slippers, answered the front door groggily. “Neal?” she said concernedly when she realized who was standing on her doorstep. She’d been worried about him after Diana told her that Peter had been taken. It was raining outside and she quickly ushered him into her home. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

“I’m managing,” he said quietly. She took his wet jacket from him and hung it up for him as Diana was coming down the stairs.

“Neal, it’s three in the morning. Don’t you sleep?”

He gave her a piercing look and sarcastically said, “Tell me you’d sleep if Elizabeth had been kidnapped.” She wanted to give him a sarcastic response of her own, but she looked at her wife when Elizabeth looked at her. Diana wasn’t going to argue that point with Neal because they all knew he was right. “Mozzie went to the safe house with us after we left home. He and I have spent the majority of today trying to think of ways we could figure this out.” She nodded at him, waiting for the rest of his reasoning for waking them up in the middle of the night. “The picture of Peter was a picture that had been taken on my cell phone and I brought that up with Mozzie. In a matter of moments…” He reached into his jeans pocket and brought the bug out to show her, holding it at the center of his palm. “He discovered this—in my phone, in Peter’s phone, in my son’s phone, and in Peter’s parents’ phones.” Diana stared at Neal in horror. “Kramer has to be behind this. I came to you because I know it’s what Peter would do and I trust you, Diana. I need you to help me, but we need to do this without Kramer discovering that you know more than you should.”

Elizabeth was watching her wife and her ex-husband’s husband. All she wanted was for Peter to come back in one piece for his family. “What do you and the little guy have in mind?”

He pulled some papers out of his pockets and said, “These are notes Peter tried to hide from me. I don’t know what they mean, but they sound rather ominous.” He handed them over to her and felt the need to say, “They’re copies… I have the originals and I won’t give them up, but if you can help me decipher some message from this, I would appreciate it very much. Mozzie and I will work behind the scenes. If you can use these to help bring him home…”

She nodded and gripped his arm firmly. “I’ll do anything I can for you, Neal.” He smiled when she did. “You can count on me—and Jones.”

“Just you and Jones,” Neal said. “This is an inside job. We can’t trust anyone Peter wouldn’t trust with his life.” She nodded, understanding completely. She also agreed with him. Despite not remembering much about his training and fieldwork as an FBI agent, he is intelligent. “We don’t know how many agents are in on this. After I looked at the shots that came in through the kitchen window, I knew there was more than one person involved. The damn thing is that most if not all of the agents have been trained to handle their firearms skillfully.”

Diana looked a little disturbed as she briefly read the notes Neal had given her. “There is a message in this somewhere. Jones and I will try to figure it out. I know I can’t convince you to distance yourself from this.” He gave her a small smile and she nodded at him. Even if she locked him up to keep him from getting into trouble, he’d find a way out. His love for Peter would fuel him until he finally found Peter.

“Moz and I will continue working on this ourselves. Just be careful and check your own phones—yours, El’s, and Jones’. ” Elizabeth moved towards Neal and pulled him into a hug. Her kissed her cheek and whispered, “I won’t give up on him.”

“I know you won’t,” she said softly. As she pulled back, she stared up at him with tears in her eyes and she caressed his cheeks the way Peter does. “If there’s anything I can do for you, sweetheart, let me know.”

Neal sighed and said, “You work though. I can’t—”

She shook her head. “I’ll take time off to accommodate you, honey. I know you’ll bring Peter back. Are the kids going to be alone if you’re away?”

Shaking his head as well, Neal said, “Jon and Hannah are with them.”

As Elizabeth lowered her hands to take his in her own, she whispered, “I’ll go to the safe house with Elsa. You, Diana, and Mozzie will do whatever it takes to bring this jackass to justice and get Peter home.” Neal nodded as Diana did the same. Diana was just grateful Neal had come to her for assistance rather than doing something ridiculous and reckless alone. “I’ll be there once Di goes to work. It’ll give Jon and Hannah a break, especially if our little ones can play together.”

“I don’t know how to thank you both…” Neal whispered.

“Don’t,” Diana whispered. Neal was surprised when Diana hugged him. He knew she cared very deeply about Peter and he knew their friendship was indescribably profound, which made the decision to come to her rather simple.

No words were necessary right now. Neal was grateful and the Berrigan women were more than happy to help him.

After Neal had gotten back into his car and before he began to drive back to the safe house, he caressed his engagement and wedding rings and stared at them longingly. With a sad and hopeful smile on his face, he whispered, “I promise I’ll bring you home, Peter.”


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal is finally given the opportunity to figure out if Peter is still alive.

In a week’s time, Neal hardly slept until he passed out. Mozzie and Elizabeth were growing very concerned about him, but they knew Peter hadn’t stopped trying to find Neal when Neal was taken from him. That same devotion, determination, and love was shared by Neal and Neal had no intention of allowing his husband’s suffering to continue. Mozzie woke up at three in the morning to find Neal standing in front of the countertop as he did every night until well into the next morning. Mozzie found him asleep on the floor in the kitchen several times when his exhaustion overwhelmed him. Neal kept on poring over the notes that had been sent to Peter.

Neal was messing with the papers and Mozzie watched him curiously from the bed he was sleeping in. It seemed like Neal found something and looked determined to expand on whatever it was that he’d found. After a few more moments, Neal’s face lit up just a little and he let out a sound that slightly resembled excitement before darting over to his bed, kneeling to pull his laptop out of the bag he’d put a few of his things into. “Mon frère? What did you find?”

Mozzie joined Neal on the floor and watched Neal type _savethefed.com_ into the search bar. Neal’s previous joy at finally uncovering some clue had disappeared the second he hit the enter button. When the page loaded up, Neal’s eyes welled up with tears instantly. There, on his laptop screen, was his husband. He looked as though he was unconscious and Neal’s heart ached when he saw how bloody the left side of Peter’s face and torso was. He was fully clothed, but it was obvious that someone cut through parts of his clothing in order to make him bleed. His arms were pulled back and Neal assumed they’d tied Peter’s hands since Peter’s knees and ankles were also bound. “Peter,” he whispered miserably. He subconsciously reached out towards the screen and stroked Peter’s face with his fingers.

He looked at the background and figured they were in some kind of factory. He couldn’t remember ever seeing this place before and, after glancing at Mozzie, he realized Mozzie hadn’t either. “Holy shit,” Mozzie said. He pointed at the screen and said, “Neal…”

Neal’s eyes widened as he stared at the wall off to the side of where Peter was positioned. He breathed shakily as he realized they’d hurt Peter so they could do this. A phone number was painted on the wall—painted in _Peter’s blood._ He knew that because there was a trail leading to the wall from Peter’s body. From this view, he couldn’t tell if his husband were breathing. After all of that blood loss, Neal wondered if it were too late.

Quickly pulling his phone out of his pocket, he entered the phone number with his trembling fingers and closed his eyes. He waited as the phone rang and rang and rang. Just as he thought it was going to go to voicemail, the line was picked up, but no one spoke. “This is Neal Burke. I don’t know who the hell you think you are—kidnapping an FBI agent, but—”

He heard a gunshot go off on the other end of the line and he heard Peter cry out in agony. Neal glanced at the laptop and realized Peter was waking up because he’d been shot. Neal wanted to scream for them to leave Peter alone, but he didn’t have to say anything. “ _Would you like this to continue? Your attitude will end up being the kiss of death to the man you love._ ”

The voice on the other end was male and he couldn’t recognize it at all. “Don’t hurt him,” he pleaded quietly. He watched Peter writhe around in pain and it was breaking his heart. “Please put him on the phone. Please let me talk to him.” The man laughed again and Neal’s breathing became labored as he hoped to God that Peter wasn’t going to be shot again. “Please,” he begged.

There was silence on the other end. “ _If you try to pry a location or any identifying information about his captors, he’ll be shot to death right before your very eyes._ ”

“I won’t ask him,” Neal agreed quickly, hoping the man would let Peter speak to him. As he watched the screen he saw a masked man come into view. The man’s build was too slender and he was too tall to be Kramer. If he is right and Kramer is behind this, this man was going down as an accomplice—especially after he shot Peter.

“ _I’m putting the speaker on. Your husband wants to talk to you, Burke._ ”

Peter looked up at the man blearily as the speaker phone was turned on and the phone was set on the floor near Peter’s face. “Peter,” he gasped, breathing heavily. He was afraid and concerned because he didn’t want to say or ask something that got Peter shot.

Neal watched his husband smile a little. “ _Hey, baby…_ ” He looked exhausted and like he was in pain. Neal honestly couldn’t blame him. “ _Are you safe? Are the kids safe?_ ”

“Yes. I’m taking care of them, love.” Peter sighed in relief. “Peter, how badly have you been hurt?”

“ _Just a few scratches here and there._ ” Peter was trying to make the best of a bad situation, but it wasn’t working very well as Neal began to cry. Peter knew he was crying even though he wasn’t sobbing into the phone. “ _I love you, Neal._ ”

Quickly, Neal stammered, “I love you, too, Peter.” He felt the need to say that quickly just in case he was going to be cut off by the man holding Peter hostage. “Peter, I need to ask you if you’ve been…if you’ve been…” He swallowed hard because he didn’t want to finish asking. He didn’t want to believe his husband had been raped. If Kramer took Peter hostage, he didn’t think Kramer would allow that—unless he raped Peter.

Peter was breathing heavily, but he whispered, “ _No._ ” As Peter stared up at the camera, Neal knew Peter understood the question he wasn’t asking. “ _I’m okay, honey. Don’t worry about me. Just take care of the kids._ ” Briefly, Neal and Peter discussed a few code phrases they could use between the two of them while they’d discussed the precautions they would take to make sure the kids were safe. ‘Just take care of the kids’ was one of those precautionary phrases they’d come up with. “ _Baby, really. Our… Our kids love you, Neal._ ”

Neal tried so hard not to make a big deal out of that as he’d quickly scrawled down what Peter just told him. Using the first letter of each word, Peter let him know that he was somewhere in Brooklyn. He knew he was supposed to pay attention to Peter’s words for this exact reason. Mozzie stared at the paper and Neal alternatively, wondering how the hell Neal got ‘Brooklyn’ out of what Peter just said. He whispered, “Heh. Everyone loves poppa. I’m sorry, champ. Oh, my... I’m now gonna figure out ransom. You’re only useful—” He intentionally paused and Mozzie sat beside him in disbelief, wondering what the hell he was doing. Neal was staring at the screen and he saw Peter’s slight nod. “I’ll take care of the kids, but I’m going to do whatever I can for you, lover.”

“ _All right. I think it’s time for me to talk to your hubby alone,_ ” the man said as he came back to retrieve the phone.

Neal stammered, “I love you,” and heard Peter say it in return just before the man took him off of the speaker. “Please tell me what the ransom is. If it’s money you want, I will get it for you.”

The man chuckled and said, “ _When the time is right, we’ll let you know what the ransom is for your sweetheart._ ” Neal shut his eyes, sighing quietly in defeat. “ _The feed will be live until we decide to kill him._ ” Neal gasped and his eyes flew open. “ _We’ll only kill him if he resists and tries to escape somehow. We’ll allow you to speak to him once a day until my boss tells me what the ransom is, but keep in mind that we’ll be listening. If you ask a question we don’t like, he’s dead._ ”

“I understand,” Neal said quietly.

Neal stared at the screen as though he were heartbroken after the man hung up on him. “What the hell did the two of you just do?” Mozzie asked incredulously.

Glancing at his friend, Neal gave him a sad smile. “He let me know he’s in Brooklyn. I let him know help is coming for him. We used the first letter of each word to pass a message to each other. He knows which part of New York he’s in and I wanted him to know that I wasn’t giving up on him, that I am still trying to find him.”

“Do you realize they could figure that out easily and kill him?”

“I highly doubt they’ll look into it. We kind of spoke normally. If they want to analyze our conversation, I don’t think they’re going to find anything.”

Mozzie shook his head. He was amazed by how much the two of them just risked. It was something they’d discussed in advance though if they knew to look for specific messages. “Are you going to tell Diana about this?”

Neal nodded. “She’s got a burner phone and they can’t tap my phone anymore. I can just call her.” Mozzie watched as Neal did just that. Diana answered and Neal instantly said, “I just got proof of life.”

Diana gasped on the other end and asked, “ _How did you manage that?_ ”

He told her about the website and she told him moments later that she was looking at it now. “The blood on the wall is a phone number. Please don’t call it. I know it’s tempting, but please don’t call.” She acknowledged his concern and agreed not to call the individuals who kidnapped her best friend. “I called and he was expecting me to. If someone in the FBI calls him, I don’t know what will happen to him and I don’t want to risk it.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he watched Peter on the screen. “I was able to speak to Peter and we passed a message to each other.” She made a sound of interest, wondering what the two men had done. “Peter is somewhere in Brooklyn. That’s all he seems to know. If he finds out more, I’m sure he’ll tell me the next time I’m allowed to speak with him. In return, I made sure he knows we’re looking for him.”

“ _You two are smart._ ”

Chuckling a little, Neal said, “Perks of being overly paranoid, FBI agents—or in my case, former FBI agent—and parents.” He was rubbing his rings again and Mozzie noticed. It was something he did now when his nerves were getting the best of him. “The man who was with him had a mask on and his build is nothing like Kramer’s. He told me I’m allowed to call to talk to Peter once a day unless I fuck up.”

He could hear Diana making thoughtful sounds. “ _Neal, he looks terrible and like he’s in a great deal of pain._ ”

“From the looks of it, he’s been beaten and cut several times. In addition to that, they’re not afraid to shoot him.” Diana gasped. “I… I provoked them and they shot him in the leg.” He reached out to touch the screen and rested his finger over the exact place Peter had been shot. “I’m going to do whatever I can to prevent more suffering on his part.” At least he could watch his husband now. He couldn’t hear Peter, but he could see him. Seeing him alive relieved him beyond words, but it was still difficult to know he had no idea where his husband was or if he’d be kept alive until they could find him.

Neal finished his conversation with Diana and asked that he call her the next time he planned on calling Peter’s captor. He said he would and then he stared at his laptop for quite some time. Mozzie watched his best friend concernedly. If Peter did something to get himself killed or if his captors decided he wasn’t useful anymore, Neal had the means of watching his husband die slowly and painfully. He couldn’t imagine what that would do to Neal.

Since he’d come back, Neal was much more resilient than he ever had been before. Even when Mozzie hadn’t known that Neal was a rape survivor, he hadn’t acted this resilient. Neal was putting effort into getting his life completely together because he wants to be happy and he wants his family to be happy. The only downside in all of that was that Peter could die with Neal watching. If he watched his husband die, there was no way of knowing what Neal would do.

He has a responsibility to his children, but he didn’t want to live without Peter. Mozzie was afraid that Neal would go off the deep end at some point during all of this. In all honesty, he was sincerely hoping they’d bring Peter home before anyone had to watch Peter die.

As Neal watched his husband attempt to go back to sleep, Neal found himself singing quietly—singing _Heaven_ by Bryan Adams. He hadn’t even thought about doing so, but something within him felt the need to burst into song, apparently. As he sang in whispers, tears welled up in his eyes. He knew he was afraid of having to live without Peter, but he doesn’t understand what his mind and body were doing. His emotions were being dragged through hell and he wasn’t sure what to do about them.

Almost as if Peter could hear him singing, Neal watched Peter fall asleep. It looked uncomfortable as hell, but Peter needed to rest. He needed to keep himself alive and heal if he could. Neal hoped Peter wasn’t going to do something that would get himself killed. Peter knew damn well that Neal was coming and he wasn’t going to stop until they were home together—more than likely in bed and making love because they’re grateful to be with each other again.

Thoughts like that made the situation slightly more bearable, but he still wished he could feel Peter’s warmth behind him as he went to sleep himself. He hadn’t slept in nearly thirty-six hours, so he was tired. Knowing that Peter is still alive sparked hope within him.

•◊•

Peter woke up to the sound of heels clicking on the hard floor. He knew who it was and he knew what was going to happen. He was going to be provoked and he’d snap at her while simultaneously threatening her, so she’d have him beaten. However, this morning was going to be different because he knew Neal was watching. Neal wouldn’t stop watching him until they were physically together again, so he knew he needed to be careful. Taunting and threatening from his position was unwise, especially now that the man in the corner had a gun and wasn’t afraid to use it.

“Good morning,” the voice above him said devilishly. “I heard we were able to speak to the hubby in the early hours of this morning.” Peter nodded silently as she crouched in front of him. “When I’m speaking to you, I expect you to speak to me in return,” she growled.

“Good morning. Yes, I spoke to my husband earlier,” he whispered. He was trying to keep himself under control for Neal’s sake. He also wanted to keep himself alive.

She stroked his jaw and he flinched away from her touch. “Oh, come now. You were married to a woman for quite some time. Don’t you enjoy the touch of a female just a little?”

Peter wanted to spit at her, but he was able to refrain from doing so. “That marriage wasn’t real and no. I did not enjoy being touched by a female.” She looked amused and he began to wish his hands weren’t tied behind his back because he wanted to punch that sly smile right the hell off her face. “Rachel, you had the chance to kidnap my husband, but you kidnapped me. Why?”

The bitch kept smiling at him. “Because you’d just come and steal him from me again,” she sneered. “If I can bring him to me, I can keep you here and it’ll keep him here.” Peter made an expression of disgust. “I love him, Peter. Neal is the one for me.”

“Neal wouldn’t fuck you again unless you made him fucking brain-dead,” he growled.

Raising an eyebrow, she said, “I think he would without having to be injured further.” She sounded so sure of herself and Peter didn’t know what she was going to do. “Because I love him, I would never kill you.” To an extent, that relieved Peter, but he tried not to visibly express that relief. “If things go according to plan, Neal will come to me and believe you’ve lied to him all this time.” Peter’s eyes widened. “Those notes are full of little clues that will trigger bad memories in his mind even if they didn’t happen. Once he looks into them a little more, he’ll come to the conclusion that you never loved him and you’ve strung him along all this time.” He shook his head in disbelief and she smiled at him. “Oh, yes. When he finally finds those little triggers I’ve left for him, he’ll believe you’re the worst human being of all time.”

“That’s not true,” Peter whispered. “He knows I’d never do anything to harm him. He knows what kind of man I am.”

“Just you wait,” she said gleefully. “The next time you see your husband, he’ll be the last thing you’ll ever see.”

She left him alone then and the man exited the room with her. He was completely alone now and he was drowning in his own horrified thoughts. What could she have possibly done to turn Neal against him? He honestly couldn’t think of a damn thing that Neal would ever believe. Neal knows what kind of man he is and he’s regained some memories of their past together. He would know that these things aren’t true—whatever they may be.

Neal loves him and he knows Peter loves him, too. There was no reason for Neal to doubt him, so he didn’t believe Rachel was telling him the truth. She was probably trying to get him all worked up just for fun. Nothing was going to make Neal want to kill him. Neal isn’t that kind of man. If Neal ever held a gun and purposely pointed it at him with the intention of killing him, Peter knew Neal wouldn’t be able to go through with it. They have too much history and too much love between them. It was nearly impossible for Neal to ever believe and trust someone like Rachel over him.

Or at least he hoped so… He believed the bond between himself and Neal was profound and that there really wasn’t anything either of them could do to shatter their trust in each other’s actions and words.

After allowing Peter to suffer with his thoughts for several hours, the masked man returned with the phone. “Your husband is calling. Want to talk to him or should I hang up?”

“Please let me talk to him,” Peter pleaded. The man nodded. He’d captured and kidnapped Peter, but he still sympathized for Peter’s situation. This man in particular knew he’d taken Peter away from his family, which included children, and he wanted to get Peter back to them, but he couldn’t just hand Peter over to his husband and the FBI. As he set the phone down on the floor near Peter’s face, he glanced at the man he’d seen beaten before him and the man he’d shot multiple times since kidnapping him. “Neal?” he called out hopefully.

“ _I’m here, love. I’m here. Are you okay?_ ”

Sighing in relief, Peter said, “Everything’s okay here. I’m okay.”

Peter knew this was stressing Neal out. Neal worries about him because he loves him, because he trusts him and knows that this wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t asked to be kidnapped and he still didn’t understand the motivation. Rachel wasn’t going to kill him, so what was the point in taking him when she could have just grabbed Neal? Sure, she knew that Peter would come after him and rescue him, but why is Rachel so damn interested in turning Neal against him—in making Neal kill him? “ _Peter, have you been hurt any more since the last time we talked?_ ” he asked frantically.

“No, sweetheart.” He glanced over at the man who’d taken a seat in the corner of the room. “How’re you doing?”

Neal let out a very sad sound that broke Peter’s heart. That was how he knew Neal was entirely alone at the moment. He wasn’t going to call him out on that just yet because he didn’t want these bastards to go after Neal when he was vulnerable. “ _I’m trying,_ ” was all he could whisper after a few minutes. “ _The kids miss you—I miss you…_ ”

Peter smiled sadly at the phone before glancing up at the camera because he knew Neal was still watching him. “I miss you, too, baby.” He knew Neal had seen Rachel and he knew Neal probably hadn’t been able to hear what she said. He couldn’t even let Neal know about this because the man across the room would more than likely shoot him again if he tried to tell Neal something horrible was going on behind the scenes. “As soon as they figure out a ransom, they’ll let you know and this will hopefully be over shortly thereafter.” Peter kept glancing at the man in the corner because he didn’t know how much he could or couldn’t say to his husband. Judging by the fact that the man hadn’t moved at all, he believed he was still doing all right. “Just be strong, my love. I’ll be with you again before you know it.”

Neal began to cry quietly and Peter stared at the phone sadly as he listened. “ _I’m so afraid of losing you,_ ” he whispered thickly. “ _I keep telling Nicky that I’m going to bring you home, but I have this sickening feeling that something is going to happen to you._ ”

The man across the room sat up a bit and Peter was worried for a moment until he realized the man wasn’t reaching for his gun. “I know, honey. I understand how you’re feeling. I know you’re cooperating as best you can and I appreciate that. Tell Nicky and the twins that I love them all, okay?” He knew that upset Neal more because it felt like one last goodbye. “I love you, angel. I love you so much.”

As Peter continued to attempt to soothe his husband, the man across the room listened and he sat back. He could tell that they were deeply in love with each other and it didn’t sound like they were passing messages to each other. Thus far, it seemed like they just used their conversations to make sure everything was okay. He felt guilty as he listened to the man on the other end of the phone because he knew he’d feel that way if a family member or if his wife were taken the way he’d taken Peter.

This man had been trained under Rachel and was a sniper. He’d found an angle that was perfect for the two shots he made to tranquilize Peter. He didn’t even have to do any of the heavy-lifting. Two men had gone into the backyard as soon as it was dark. The agents they had stationed around the house were patrolling the area with flashlights and the two men who picked Peter up remained hidden until they heard Peter collapse inside. That was when they knew it was time to grab him and take him to the van they’d parked that was similar to that of an FBI van—because it was an FBI van. They were one of the teams stationed in the area and they’d been casing the place and making contact with Agent Kramer in order to make all of this work.

The man in the corner was an MI-five agent—Agent Caldwell. He has a daughter and a wife that he loves more than anything in the world, which is why he’d joined the government. He wanted to protect them, but yet he found himself watching the interaction between two husbands who’d been torn apart because of some plot he’d partaken in.

He heard Rachel’s plan as she revealed it to Peter and he didn’t particularly want the Burkes to separate. He was in this for the money, but he never had the intention of killing anyone or destroying a family. Rachel believed Neal would kill his own husband and Agent Caldwell didn’t particularly think Neal would ever feel inclined to shoot his husband after hearing Neal cry as he spoke to Peter.

“ _Peter, are you being treated okay? Are they feeding you?_ ”

Peter frowned and said, “I’m fed once a day, but I’m okay otherwise.” He wasn’t going to complain to his husband about his situation because he didn’t want to upset Neal further. He had been tied like this for days and they only loosened his bindings when he was asleep to make sure his circulation wasn’t cut off permanently. Because he’d been bound and in the same position for the duration of his captivity, he’d been forced to go about his ‘business’ on the spot. It humored Rachel and Peter found it disgusting, but he knew Neal had suffered worse than this and he could endure a little shit and piss as long as he went home afterwards. “Don’t worry, baby.”

Agent Caldwell allowed Peter and Neal to speak for an hour and a half before cutting them off. He’d listened to them discuss Peter’s parents, their children, and their worries about each other, but he was supposed to allow them to speak for half an hour—forty-five minutes at most. “You smell terrible,” he commented after straightening up when he’d grabbed his phone off of the floor.

“Well, when you can’t go to the appropriate places to relieve yourself properly, you kind of have to improvise,” Peter snapped. “If you don’t like the smell, take it up with Rachel. You’re following her orders and these are her orders, aren’t they?”

The man grumbled something under his breath before leaving and Peter sighed, glancing up at the camera. He wished he and Neal could have a private conversation because he wanted to tell Neal that his thoughts about what he intended on doing to Neal upon being reunited were the only things keeping him sane—that and the fact that he could hear his husband’s voice again.

After a few minutes, the original man who’d been in the room returned with two additional, bulky men. “We’re going to give you a shower.” Peter looked at them in horror. “Just a shower. Rachel approved.”

Peter couldn’t exactly do anything, so he was carried into a nearby communal shower. He wondered where the hell they were if the place felt like a factory, but had a communal shower. He wasn’t about to complain though. He knew he reeked and imagined this was how Neal felt, but worse. After all, Neal had been raped, so he smelled like sex among other things.

As his clothes were cut and pulled away from his body, he began to panic. What were they going to dress him in now? None of the other men were stripping, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be able to rape him instantly if they wanted to. He couldn’t run away and Neal couldn’t watch now.

Much to his surprise, all of his fears were for nothing. The three men did as they were told and simply showered him to clean him up. One of the men probed him with a washcloth, but it wasn’t sexual and he knew that. He felt a hell of a lot better afterwards, honestly. His hair wasn’t greasy and his body and clothes didn’t smell disgusting.

Peter was led back into the room he’d been thrown into for days and his brows furrowed as he asked, “Am I not being given clothing?”

One of the bulky men said, “No. Rachel approved a shower. She said you can deal with being in the nude since, as she put it, you’re accustomed to doing so as it is.” Peter’s jaw was set firmly until he realized the floor had been cleaned and a blanket was laid down on the floor. Being naked wasn’t so bad now that he wasn’t going to be directly on the cold, hard floor. The one thing that bothered him was that he knew Neal wasn’t the only one watching this feed.

“We’ll bring you food in the morning,” the second bulky man said. Peter’s eyes widened as he shifted around to get comfortable. He recognized that voice. He wondered if Neal knew that Kramer was involved already. This man was one of the men who’d escorted Neal into the FBI for his illegal interrogation. He’d know that voice anywhere because he’d heard his husband’s pleading words get denied by that man.

As soon as he was comfortable, he looked up at the camera and wondered what Neal was doing at that moment.

•◊•

Diana and Mozzie watched as Neal nearly pulled his hair out after throwing a bunch of things around. They were his things, but they were in Diana’s home, so Diana didn’t exactly appreciate that Neal let his fury overwhelm him. “They raped him,” he kept murmuring repeatedly. Diana and Mozzie weren’t sure if that were correct.

Eventually, Diana had to grab him and say, “Neal, I will sedate you if you don’t calm down.” Neal sighed and breathed slowly to calm himself down. He turned back to face his laptop. He’d had the feed running since he discovered it and had absolutely no intention of terminating it at any point. He hadn’t told his son or his parents-in-law about the feed because he wasn’t sure if Peter was going to be severely hurt or tortured on screen. The last thing he wanted to subject his son to was watching his poppa suffer or allow Hannah and Jon to watch their son suffer. Nicky had already seen and heard Neal suffer and Neal knew that, so he was trying to spare Nicky of that right now.

“He doesn’t look like he’s in distress,” Neal noted as he looked at his husband on the screen. “I remember things about when I was raped and he isn’t reacting that way. He… He just looks cleaner.” They’d watched someone come in and clean the area Peter had been lying in, so Diana and Mozzie assumed they didn’t appreciate how Peter smelled after a week.

“Maybe they didn’t hurt him,” Diana agreed. “I remember how you looked, too.” Neal made a face and Diana felt bad for saying that. She knew Neal didn’t like that Peter had seen him so ‘broken’ and beaten down, let alone that others had seen him in such a state.

Neal sat down at the table again and he tried analyzing the area once more. There had to be something he was missing, something that would identify the location of this building.

After several moments, Neal made a sound of frustration and glanced at Peter’s notes. “I don’t fucking understand this,” Neal said irritably. “It sounds like gibberish bullshit.” He lifted one of the papers and read it quietly aloud, “There is a scream inside my head that, if released, would take a part of me with it. I hate the way you look. I hate the way you talk. I hate my body because it gave you—” Suddenly, he felt as though his insides were being torn apart. He gasped and let go of the paper after whispering, “—pleasure.” Diana and Mozzie had their hands on his shoulders as he leaned forward and held his belly, closer to his pelvis. He didn’t know what was happening, but he didn’t like it and he wanted it to stop.

Several minutes passed before the pain finally subsided and he was breathing heavily while sweating. After the first few moments, he realized that note provoked feelings he felt when he’d been raped. “What happened, mon frère?” Mozzie asked concernedly.

“These notes…” he whispered as he shoved them away. “They… They were written to me.” He was sure of it. They’d been sent to Peter and Neal was beginning to assume Kramer wanted Peter to stress himself out over these notes. As Neal read the one aloud just now, he’d acknowledged that pain verbally. He could remember hating how Vincent looked at and spoke to him, which led into him feeling as though Vincent were ravaging his body for his own pleasure again.

Neal refused to let them get inside of his head. He’d been putting so much effort into this and he wasn’t going to relapse now. He acknowledged that he’s been doing well, that he’s stronger, but it had to be Peter. Peter’s absence made him feel vulnerable. He wanted Peter to be with him and to finally be safe.

He breathed shakily as he stared at his husband’s naked form on the screen. He needed to find Peter before something terrible did happen to him. These damned notes weren’t going to get in his way because he wasn’t going to allow his mind to be invaded like this.

For Peter, Neal was going to use every ounce of strength he had—mentally and physically—until he could press himself against Peter’s body again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The passage that Neal read aloud from the notes is titled "The Scream" on http://www.survivorsintransition.co.uk/poetry/


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal receives some surprising assistance.

After the second week had passed since Peter was kidnapped, Neal was beginning to get anxious. His husband was sick and far too thin for his liking. Staring at his laptop screen was agonizing because he wanted to bring his husband home and never let him go again. He was trying to work out a ransom with the man who always allowed him to speak to Peter, but things just weren’t working out. In Neal’s opinion, he believed Kramer wasn’t going to give Peter up so easily. He’d finally gotten what he wanted, but it made no sense for Kramer to not have shown up at least once yet. He’d noticed Kramer’s frequent leaves of absence lately.

Neal glanced at his phone when it lit up to signify that Jones was very close. Neal was with Diana and they were waiting for Jones to come over so they could attempt to trace the phone signal when Neal was going to make his call. They’d tried before, but the man on the other end hadn’t been allowing him much time to speak to Peter. The signal bounced around, but they couldn’t pinpoint it just yet.

As soon as Diana let Jones in, Jones was bringing all of his equipment to the dining room table where Neal was sitting with his laptop. Jones glanced at Neal and said, “When’s the last time you showered—and slept?” Neal shrugged as he continued forcing himself to look at everything in the live feed as well as in the notes Peter left behind. If he could, he was going to try to pry another message out of Peter to see if he’d gotten any further information. “Neal, you’re going to wear yourself out. How do you expect to help him if you’re half-dead?”

Grinding his teeth together, Neal whispered, “He did it for me. I’m not going to rest until I can wrap my arms around him again.” Diana and Jones gave each other a look of concern. Neal, when he slept, was having nightmares. He dreamt about waking up to find Peter dead on the feed among other awful things involving him and Peter. Whenever he went back to the safe house and curled up with Nicky, he felt better and was able to rest without too much trouble, but he could not sleep alone very well. “This has gone on for too damn long. He could be dying for all we know. He looks deathly ill.”

“Considering the temperature outside and that this place doesn’t look like it’s insulated well and he’s naked, I’d say he’s probably cold.” Diana smacked Jones furiously as soon as Neal’s back tensed. He didn’t want to tell Neal he thought Peter was dying, too. For all they knew, Peter probably has pneumonia.

Neal glanced at the time and said, “It’s time for me to call.” Jones nodded and began going about linking Neal’s phone and the tracer so he could try to locate Peter again. They kept trying and trying because they couldn’t figure out where Peter was just yet. Knowing he was in Brooklyn helped, but, unless they went around to every single building in the area, they would probably never find him in time. Once Jones gave Neal the nod of approval, Neal made the call and waited as patiently as he could manage.

“ _Right on time._ ”

The three of them looked at each other, knowing something was up if this individual were using a voice changer. “Yes. I’m assuming you’re the ringleader,” Neal guessed. The person on the other end made an affirmative sound. “I haven’t involved the FBI. They don’t even know about this feed or that I’m contacting you. Please tell me you have decided on some ransom for my husband.”

Laughter erupted from the other end and Neal tried to rein in his fury at the sound. “ _How much are you willing to give up for him?_ ”

Neal swallowed before saying, “I would give my life for him.”

“ _When I’ve decided on a sum of money, would you agree to leaving it at a designated drop site on your own without the FBI at your beck and call?_ ”

Neal glanced at Diana. “Yes. I’ll do anything you ask of me. I just want my husband back.” He watched Peter writhe on the floor as he coughed and Neal’s heart was breaking at the sight of it. “Can I ask that you treat him? He’s sick,” Neal pleaded. “If he dies before this transaction is complete and we go our separate ways, all of your efforts have been for nothing.” Neal waited for an answer and snarled, “I will inform the FBI of this if you don’t help him! He’s going to _die,_ damn it!” Diana gripped Neal’s hand and nodded at him, letting him know they’d figure this out if Peter wasn’t treated.

There was a groan on the other end before the individual said, “ _Fine. We’ll treat him._ ”

Before they could consider hanging up on him, Neal said, “I want it done _now._ I want to see them treat him. If he still isn’t well in the next day or so, the FBI will be notified of this feed.” He looked at Jones and Jones gave him the gesture that wanted him to stay on the line as long as he could. Neal watched two men enter the feed. He stared in horror as the men began to lift him. “No!” Neal growled. “Do _not_ remove him from that area. I want to see that he’s being taken care of for myself, God damn you.” Neal heard the person on the other end demand that they set Peter back down. 

“ _You sure are persistent._ ”

Neal was grinding his teeth together as he watched the two men pull out some medicine. Peter responded to something they were doing and he saw how eager his husband was to take the medicine from them. Watching Peter suffer made Neal very, very angry. Whenever he found a way to prove that Kramer is behind this, he had every intention of making that monster’s life a living hell—even in prison.

His heart leapt up into his throat when he heard Peter cry out in agony. “What did you do to him?” Neal asked hysterically. “I asked that you treat him for his illness, not cause him more harm!”

“ _His wounds are infected. They’re disinfecting him._ ” Neal’s eyes welled up with tears as he listened to his husband’s pained sounds. This bastard was purposely making him listen to his husband’s agony.

As soon as the men left Peter, Neal urgently said, “I want to speak to him.”

“ _For someone who has nothing to give as of yet, you sure are demanding._ ”

“I’ll hold up my end of the bargain once we come to an agreement. Right now, I want to speak to him. Put him on the line.” After a few moments, Neal saw one of the initial two men return to the feed and set the phone down near Peter’s face. “Peter?”

Peter coughed roughly and Neal began to blink back tears because Peter sounded awful. “ _Hi, honey…_ ”

Neal looked at Jones, hoping to see that he’d finally traced the call. As of yet, there was nothing. He didn’t understand why they couldn’t trace him after keeping them on the line for quite some time. He knew they were bouncing their signal, but it should have been traced back to them by now… “Peter, I’m so sorry.”

Sighing, Peter said, “ _Don’t be, honey. Have you gotten any confirmation about a ransom yet? I kind of wish I could rest my head on your chest and wrap my arms around you… I’m so cold and I feel like shit…_ ”

“I’m trying,” Neal said honestly. “I’ve been trying for several days, Peter. I promise I’m doing everything I can for you, my love. I want you home more than anything.” Neal couldn’t help crying as he watched and listened to his husband nearly cough up a lung. He looked like he was in so much pain. “I’m trying,” Neal insisted. “They haven’t told me what they want yet.”

Peter let out labored sounds before whispering, “ _Just take care of the kids…_ ” Neal grabbed his notepad and prepared to write down whatever Peter was going to tell him. “ _Neal…_ ” He began to cough violently. “ _Oh, that’s extremely shitty…_ ”

Neal’s brows furrowed as he stared at the word he’d scrawled across the pad. _Notes._ Glancing at the notes to his right, he wondered if they were what Peter was referring to. “I don’t know what to do,” Neal said thickly. He felt miserable because he didn’t know what else to do for Peter, but he also didn’t understand why Peter was pointing these out to him. All they’ve done is cause him pain. “I’m so sorry, Peter…”

“ _It’s okay,_ ” he whispered. “ _Just take care of the kids._ ” Neal glanced at the laptop because Peter just signaled that he had a second word to pass to him. “ _My innocent Neal… Darling, go and maybe…r_ e _lax._ ”

Neal wrote: M-I-N-D-G-A-M-R. He stared at the letters and wondered what the hell that was supposed to be. It then dawned on him that Peter purposely emphasized the ‘e’ in ‘relax.’ He changed the R to E and realized Peter just spelled out ‘mind game.’

_Notes. Mind game._

That explained why they’d been triggering such awful feelings and memories when he read them. “Really? Our children have even lost their rest. Everyone really… Everyone…” He purposely sighed and let out a shaky breath with Diana and Jones giving him a curious look.

Neal focused on his husband and hoped to God that Peter understood him even though he’d slipped one letter error into the mix. “ _Yes._ ” Neal’s heart leapt up into his throat and he felt sick. “ _I understand, honey. They’ll be okay though. Our kids are pretty strong—just like their daddy._

As Neal said, “They’re as strong as their poppa, my love,” he scribbled _Rachel is there_ on the notepad and turned it so Diana and Jones could read it. “I’ll take care of the kids, but…but are you okay, Peter?”

“ _I’ll be okay when I’m with you again, Neal. I miss you—I miss you and the kids so much._ ” Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes as he nodded even though he knew Peter couldn’t see him. “ _You’re going to get through this, Neal. I’ll be with you again once everything gets settled. I love you, honey._ ”

“I love you, Peter Michael,” Neal said as he tried to hold himself together.

“ _All right. That’s enough for tonight,_ ” the man on the other end said as he came over to grab his phone. Neal heard Peter tell him he loves him one more time and Neal said it quickly in response. They never knew if this time would be the last time they could tell each other they love each other, so they tried to express their love as often as they could now. “ _Neal?_ ” Neal’s brows furrowed as the man spoke to him in a whispered tone.

“Yes?” Neal asked cautiously.

“ _Will you meet me at Stonewall?_ ” Neal’s entire body tensed as the memories of that place raced through his mind. He made a low growling sound that the other man could hear. “ _I’ve…been speaking with your husband at night. I’m going to help you._ ” Diana and Jones stared at Neal in surprise. They were as surprised as he was. “ _He suggested Stonewall because we can go inside. You’ll know who I am when you see me._ ”

Neal blinked a few times, asking, “Should I head there now?”

There was a brief pause before the man said, “ _Yes. I’m about to be relieved of my shift until tomorrow._ ”

“I’ll be there.”

The line disconnected and Neal jumped out of his seat, immediately going for his jacket. “Neal, we need to discuss this in depth before we can let you go in there alone.” He shook his head without saying a word and Diana insisted, “Neal, you need us to cover you. What if he’s armed? If he kills you, who is going to be there for your children? If he kidnaps you, what will they do without their fathers?”

Neal froze and Diana knew she struck a nerve within him, but it was a nerve she was aiming for. He knew that and just shook his head again. “I’m driving. You keep the feed up and running on your phone and tell me if this bastard is lying to me. If Peter is in pain because of him, I’ll kill him on the spot.”

“How are you going to do that?”

Neal pulled his jacket on, but he lifted his shirt before zipping his jacket. Tucked into his waistband was Peter’s gun. He could have grabbed his own, but he wanted to kill anyone who hurt his husband—with his husband’s gun. Diana gave him a look of despair and he said, “I know how to use it. Peter took me to a shooting range not too long ago. He was really impressed and you can ask him to verify that when we rescue him.”

Jones, as he turned off all of his equipment, thought Neal was insane, but he also didn’t have a spouse or relationship of his own at the moment, so he wasn’t quite sure if he’d act the same way if he were in Neal’s position. Neal is a civilian now, but he somehow retained his firearms training and Jones could appreciate Neal’s dedication to Peter. “Just don’t jump the gun—literally,” was all Diana said before following Neal outside with Jones trailing behind her.

•◊•

They arrived at Stonewall early, so they discussed precautions. Jones was going to sit at a table not too far away from where Neal chose to sit so he could listen and know if Neal were in danger. The last thing he wanted to do was allow Neal to get hurt. Peter would kill him if he did that—again. He remembered the last time he hadn’t protected Neal and he didn’t want to repeat that experience.

While Jones was sitting close to Neal’s position, Diana was near the bar and threatened the bartender to pretend that she wasn’t ‘suspicious.’ She’d pulled her badge to prove she wasn’t a criminal, but she told the man to act natural.

As soon as a man in all black arrived, Neal sat up straighter. “Burke?” the man asked after nearing Neal. Neal nodded and watched the other man take a seat opposite him. “I appreciate that you agreed to meet with me. I was beginning to wonder if I’d arrive here and not see you. I would have understood that you don’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust you,” Neal agreed. “I’m here because there’s no way you would have known about Stonewall unless you spoke to my husband. I’m just curious though. Are you drugging him so he’ll answer questions truthfully?”

The man shook his head. “No. We haven’t done anything to harm him since I shot him the first time you made aggressive contact.” Neal’s shoulders visibly tensed and the man swallowed hard. “Your husband is safe.”

“He damn well better be,” Neal said through his teeth. Diana was at the bar and watching the feed. She’d let him know if this man betrayed them. That would be when he pulled his gun and blew the bastard’s brains out. “I know Rachel Turner is involved in all of this. She put you up to this, didn’t she? She thinks she can kidnap me again by asking that I meet you in Stonewall?” The man looked confused and that was when Neal nodded towards the bar. “She’s an FBI agent who would be more than happy to shoot you for taking one of her closest friends. The man two tables behind me is another FBI agent and he wouldn’t hesitate to shoot you either.” He opened his jacket and lifted his shirt enough to show the man he also had a gun. “I will make sure you’re dead before they even pull their weapons. My aim is perfect even though I’m no longer an FBI agent myself. You’ve fucked with the wrong couple.”

“I didn’t ask to meet with you so I can trick you. While you were en route and before I was relieved, I gave your husband a transceiver.” Neal’s brows furrowed. The man reached into his jacket and Neal’s hand immediately flew to the gun just in case this man pulled one on him. He pulled a transceiver out of his jacket and held it out towards Neal. “They’re linked. Only you two can speak to each other.” Neal cautiously took the transceiver and put it into his ear.

“Peter?” he whispered.

“ _Yes,_ ” he heard Peter respond very quietly. Neal let out a shaky breath as Peter told him, “ _I’m alone in this room right now, but I don’t doubt they’re still recording me. I’m facing away from the camera._ ” Neal grit his teeth and blinked back tears because he was so relieved to know this man was giving him the means of speaking to his husband without using code. “ _Neal, Kramer is involved. He was the one who answered the phone when you called. And Rachel is here, too. She’s been giving the orders around here._ ”

“Is there a way for us to prove he’s involved? If I can do that—” He suddenly remembered that he was with the man who came to meet him. “Peter, give me a few moments.” Peter made a sound of acknowledgement. “Why are you helping us? Who are you?”

The man sighed and pulled his badge out. “I’m MI-five Agent Jacob Caldwell.” Neal nodded. He wasn’t surprised that this man was working for the government considering Kramer is involved. “I’m the one who took your husband.” Neal’s eyes widened then and an intense fury began to build up inside of him until he heard Peter speaking in his ear, begging him to remain calm. “Rachel trained me. I’m the one who shot through the window. I used tranquilizers and I didn’t realize he was going to harm himself when they finally worked on him. Injuring him was not my intention.” Neal’s hand was still near his gun and Caldwell knew he was provoking Neal by admitting all of this to him. “I’m sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you and your children. I’m helping you because I can’t imagine how I would feel if my wife or child were taken from me.”

“It’s absolute agony,” Neal said firmly. “My twins don’t understand why their fathers aren’t around all the time anymore. They don’t understand what’s going on. As far as they’re concerned, my husband is ‘working.’” Caldwell nodded slowly. “My son is going to turn sixteen very soon. I want his poppa home before his sixteenth birthday.”

Caldwell swallowed hard again. “It was never my intention to tear your family apart, Neal. I’m sorry for the way things have gone so far—sorry for how long this has gone on. I was told that this would be a quick job. The only reason I became involved is the money I was offered for tranquilizing your husband.” Rubbing his wedding ring, he said, “I can’t imagine losing my wife. I can’t imagine watching her suffer the way your husband has.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out several papers. Neal’s brows furrowed once again. “Here’s your proof that Agent Kramer is the ringleader.” Neal gaped at the papers as he briefly skimmed them. There were signed documents that allowed agents to surround the area of the Burke home and ‘apprehend’ Peter if he became aggressive and there were phone logs between Kramer and Rachel. This plot to kidnap Peter was premeditated since these phone calls dated back to several months ago—when Neal was kidnapped by Rachel, when he lost his memory.

Neal’s breathing hitched when he read something Kramer said about his memory loss. _We can use Neal’s brain-dead mind. You said you’ve implanted false memories into his brain. We can turn him against Peter over time._

His eyes welled up with tears as he thought back to the notes he’d been reading. The initial note made him think about Vincent, but everything thereafter had been his brain creating false memories of Peter raping him, of Peter beating him, of Peter doing such horrible things to him. He kept trying to push through those ‘memories’ because, even if he thought Peter did all of those things, his love for Peter made him want to rescue his husband. “She tried to turn me against you,” Neal said thickly. “This is what you meant when you told me the notes were a mind game.”

Caldwell looked confusedly at Neal as Neal shut his eyes. “ _Yes. She told me that she was going to make you kill me. She did something specific with those notes that triggered things that didn’t happen. She didn’t tell me what was going to happen to you, but I’ve been so worried about you, honey._ ”

“Peter,” he said miserably. His emotions were in absolute chaos because he’d been trying to convince himself that those ‘memories’ couldn’t be real because he knows Peter better than that, but these ‘memories’ were so vivid and he lost sleep over them. “She made me think terrible things. She did this to me after my brain was damaged.”

“ _I know, Neal, and I’m so sorry. I didn’t know she did that to you and I never would’ve imagined that she made you think awful things about me._ ” Neal rubbed his left eye as tears began to fall. He was in emotional pain because she was trying to force him to turn on his husband, the man he loves unconditionally. When he sniffled, Peter brokenly whispered, “ _Don’t cry, my love. When I’m with you again, we can discuss everything she made you think. I would never do anything to hurt you, Neal. You know I love you with all of my heart and soul, don’t you?_ ”

“Yes,” he said thickly. “I love you so much, Peter.” He wiped his tears away and said, “I’m not going to turn against you, Peter. She can’t make me do that. She may have implanted false memories into my brain, but you told me she was playing a mind game with me.”

“ _Can’t speak,_ ” Peter quickly said. Neal heard a door slam on the other end and he could hear them antagonizing Peter.

Neal refocused on Caldwell, but he would listen to Peter’s end intently to make sure he wasn’t hurt again. “How did Peter tell you there was some mind game mixed into all of this?” he asked curiously.

Since this man helped him—them, Neal’s trust in this man had risen, but not by much. “We’ve been passing messages to each other using a code he and I discussed in case something like this were to happen.” Caldwell looked impressed, but it wasn’t his intention to impress the man who took his husband. “We used a phrase to indicate that we were about to pass a message.”

“That line about taking care of the kids,” Caldwell said in surprise. Neal nodded silently in response. “I never would have guessed that you were using that to pass a message. I thought you were seriously discussing your children.”

“We have seriously discussed our children since he was kidnapped. It was just that one phrase we used. I know he’s in Brooklyn.” Caldwell was still surprised. “I’m assuming you won’t tell me where he is right now.”

Caldwell shook his head. “If I did that, they’d know it was me who gave the location away. Rachel has something planned for you. If I don’t abide by her rules and if she doesn’t have things go her way, she may kill your husband.”

Neal swallowed hard this time and heard the men on Peter’s end ridiculing Peter for being naked and helpless. Neal could hear them threatening Peter, telling him they were going to fuck him since he’s the reason they can’t go home. His heart sped up as he listened to them. “ _My wife’s at home all alone and here I am, watching some naked bastard lie on the floor. I might as well make some good use of you before they kill you._ ”

Gasping, Neal prayed that they weren’t going to hurt Peter. Peter began to plead with them. “ _Don’t. Please don’t. I’m not the reason. I’m not the one who won’t let you go home._ ” He heard someone hit Peter and Peter cried, “ _Please! Please don’t!_ ”

“Peter,” Neal said loudly and agonizingly. He stood up quickly and pulled his gun out, aiming it at the agent sitting at his table. Diana and Jones were there to back him up instantly with their guns out and loaded as well.

The only thing that made Neal relax was the voice that yelled for them to stop and get away from Peter. _Rachel._ The men were stammering apologies and Peter was breathing heavily. “ _I did not permit harassment nor did I give permission for you to threaten and attempt to have sexual intercourse with my hostage. I specifically told you to watch him and make sure he didn’t have the means of escaping._ ” 

Neal lowered his gun as he continued listening. The men were still apologizing and then Neal heard two gunshots go off. “ _Peter!_ ” he cried out. He didn’t know if one of the two men shot Peter or not.

“ _You’re welcome,_ ” Rachel said bitterly. “ _They would have killed you. Those two were men who were convicted of rape and murder._ ” Peter’s breathing was erratic, but Neal was relieved because Peter was still breathing. “ _I have yet to use you for my purposes. I can’t allow anyone to hurt you more than is absolutely necessary._ ”

As soon as she was gone, Neal whispered, “Peter, please tell me you’re okay.”

After a few moments, Peter whispered, “ _I’m all right. I’m sorry, Neal._ ”

Neal shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. I’m so glad they didn’t get to you.” He was beyond relieved. That was far too close for his liking. Up to this point, no one made a pass at Peter. Those two men were convicted rapists and murderers, so they would have hurt Peter without a care in the world. “Peter, I’m assuming Rachel will want me to meet her somewhere if she expects me to kill you. As soon as I’m given a location, I swear I’ll get you out of this.”

Diana and Jones watched Neal in confusion. They didn’t think he was having an actual conversation and believed he was finally losing it. “ _If she doesn’t tell me, let me know when she makes that plan. I can’t wait to be with you again, honey._ ”

Nodding, Neal whispered, “I can’t wait to be with you again, too, my love. I promise I won’t let Rachel get away with this.” He put his gun away, but rested his hand over it as he said, “She’s not going to get away this time.”

•◊•

Diana and Jones eventually were told about the transceiver after they let Agent Caldwell return to wherever it was that Peter was being held. Neal was sitting on Diana’s couch with his knees pulled his to his chest as he stared outside at the night sky. “Are there any windows where you are?” he asked curiously.

“ _No, love._ ”

“It’s beautiful out tonight,” Neal whispered. “Is it strange that I can spell your name using the stars?”

Peter chuckled before coughing violently. “ _Not at all. I’d find a way to spell yours if I could see them right now._ ” Neal smiled to himself as he listened to his husband’s voice. “ _I really wish I could be sleeping against you, baby._ ” He lowered his voice and tried to sound seductive while sick as he whispered, “ _I wish I could be_ inside _of you…_ ” Neal chuckled a little. “ _Don’t laugh. I’m cold and now I can hear you talk to me whenever it’s possible rather than at a scheduled time. Hearing you speak makes me hard._

Neal shook his head and ran his left fingers through his hair. “I’d offer to try some sexy talk, but I’m not there to clean up your come.” Peter moaned quietly and smiled to himself. He made a slurping sound and knew he was affecting Peter.

“ _Ugh… I can imagine coming inside of you. I can imagine your face as I do it. You always seem to enjoy my orgasm with me._ ”

Despite the fact that Peter was taken from him, Neal kept this particular conversation up with him. “I love your orgasms,” Neal whispered. “I love when you’re so deep inside of me, when you leave your warmth in my body.” He kept smiling to himself. “It makes me love you more because you always leave part of yourself inside of me. You love me enough to put your seed into me every single time we make love.”

Peter sighed contentedly. “ _And that will be the first thing I do when we’re together again, Neal. As soon as my wounds and illness is taken care of, I am reclaiming what’s mine._ ” Neal shuddered as he imagined being thrown down onto their bed. He could imagine being on his stomach with Peter arched over him, pounding into him. Then again, Peter would probably want to be face to face with him. He imagined himself with his arms and legs wrapped around Peter as Peter pounded into him. “ _You’d like that, wouldn’t you?_ ”

“Absolutely,” Neal whispered. “You’re mine, Peter Michael Burke. I’ll be staking my claim on you while you’re doing that to me.” Peter chuckled and Neal closed his eyes as he imagined Peter’s smile. “I love you so much and I can’t wait until I can be with you again. I’ve missed hugging you. I’ve missed kissing you. I’ve missed having you right beside me.”

“ _I’ve missed you just as much, my love. This will all be over soon, honey._ ”

“It will,” Neal agreed. He rubbed his wedding and engagement rings as he imagined exactly how all of this was going to play out when the time came. “This war’s not over yet.”


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal achieves one victory.

“ _Honey._ ” Neal startled awake as he heard his husband’s voice raise through the transceiver. He hadn’t realized he’d fallen asleep, but he apparently had as he listened to the comforting sound that was Peter’s voice.

“God damn it,” Neal said angrily. “I’m so sorry for falling asleep on you.”

Peter sighed. “ _I just wanted to make sure you could still hear me. Don’t apologize, love. I’m sure that was the most you’ve slept since I was kidnapped._ ” Neal didn’t answer that, but Peter knew he was right. “ _I hardly slept when you weren’t with me, honey. I always worried about you, wondered if you were alive… It was so hard for me to relax and sleep like you did last night. I went weeks and months without hearing your voice, Neal. I can’t tell you how painful it is to not know if you’re okay._ ”

Neal rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “It’s incredibly painful. Before I knew about the feed and before I was given the transceiver, I was admittedly a mess…” Peter made a quiet sound. “I don’t know what to do without you, Peter. I can’t sleep without you and I’m struggling to function now. I know I’m stronger, but I will never have the strength and resilience that you possess.” Peter’s next sound was that of curiosity. “You just said you endured weeks and months without hearing my voice. It would take a great deal of strength and hope for you to find me and bring me home. You’re so damn strong because you have brought me home repeatedly.” Neal was beginning to cry quietly and Peter knew it. “I want to bring you home. I don’t want you to get hurt, Peter. You’re everything to me and I don’t want to lose you.”

The older man hushed his husband gently, knowing and understanding exactly how Neal was feeling right now. He was glad Neal could be honest with him about his feelings and thoughts. “ _I’m going to come home to you, Neal. As soon as Rachel’s plan is put into effect, she’ll think you’ve turned against me. She’ll think you’re there to kill me. She doesn’t know that I’ve told you about all of this and Caldwell’s documents proved exactly what I was trying to tell you._ ” Neal held his head in his hand as he tried to get himself under control. “ _Believe me, sweetheart. I understand your pain. I do. I know how terribly it hurts, how terrifying it is, and how incredibly difficult it is to pull through._ ” Neal sniffled as he nodded, listening to his husband silently. “ _There were plenty of times when I didn’t know if I would find you alive—if I’d be able to keep my promise to Nicky that I was going to bring his daddy home to him._ ”

Peter knew Neal was struggling. Neal was trembling as he broke down. He’d held himself together in front of his children and as much as he could when he wasn’t with the kids since Peter was taken from him, but hearing Peter’s voice and not knowing where he was being held against his will was difficult. “Please don’t leave me,” he whispered. “I don’t want to live without you. You mean so damn much to me, Peter Michael. You’re my other half… Please don’t leave me…”

“ _I know, my love. I know. I’m not going to—_ ” Peter began to cough violently and cursed himself because he knew that certainly wasn’t helping Neal’s fears. “ _I’m not going to leave you. We’re going to make it through this. We can hear each other no matter what’s going on. Caldwell came in while you were sleeping and he told me Rachel’s plan is going to be put into play very soon. She won’t kill me because she thinks you’re going to do that. If she makes contact with you, pretend you’ve turned against me._ ”

“Do you know how much that is going to hurt me?” Neal asked thickly. “I can’t imagine ever wanting to kill you. I never want to do anything to hurt you.”

Peter sighed sadly. “ _It’s a role, hon. I need you to play it for me. I need you to pretend you want me dead. Beg her to tell you where I am so you can kill me. You and I both know none of this will be true, sweetheart. Think of it as a con. We’re playing her so she’ll bring us together._ ” Neal knew he would be able to carry that out for Peter. It was just a matter of forcing himself to say everything Peter wanted him to say, everything Rachel wanted to hear him say. “ _Can you do that for me, baby? Please?_ ”

Nodding silently, Neal took a few moments to get his breathing under control before whispering, “I would do anything for you. You know that.” Peter made an affirmative sound because he did know that. He’s very aware of the lengths they would go to in order to be together again. “I’m going to do it.” He was trying to push his emotions aside. His love for Peter couldn’t blind him whenever Rachel decided to make contact with him. He couldn’t sneer at her and call her a lying bitch. He couldn’t say anything to contradict what she wanted him to think. “I love you, Peter. I’ll do whatever it takes to finally bring you home.”

“ _I know you will, baby boy. You haven’t given up on me yet. I know we’ll be together again soon._ ” Peter sighed wistfully and said, “ _We have a lot to make up for when I’m home. I’m not there for Valentine’s Day and I haven’t been there with the kids…_ ”

Neal waved him off even though he knew Peter couldn’t see him. “Don’t worry about anything regarding me and you. We can make any day as special as Valentine’s Day, so it’s honestly nothing for you to concern yourself with. The kids and I will just be happy to have you back.” Peter chuckled, but Neal knew he wasn’t happy. “I know, Peter, and I’m so sorry…”

“ _You have nothing to be sorry for. I know you’re doing what you can, lover._ ”

Neal nodded slowly and whispered, “We’re bringing one giant down today.” Peter made a curious sound. “Diana, Jones, and a small and loyal group of agents are going to take Kramer in. We’re in the process of getting a warrant. It’s going to be approved because of all the evidence, written and recorded, we have against him.” He rubbed the underside of his rings with his thumb and whispered, “As soon as we have him out of the picture, it will be time to take Rachel down.”

•◊•

As Neal was driving himself down to the FBI building to witness a partial victory, the phone system within Peter’s Taurus rang and an unknown number appeared on the screen. Hitting the answer button, Neal said, “Moz?”

“ _Who else?_ ”

Neal rolled his eyes and paused at a light. “Please tell me you’ve found something.” He was gripping the steering wheel tightly, praying that Mozzie found Peter’s whereabouts. While he’d been sitting at the table alone in Stonewall the previous night, he’d texted Mozzie and asked that he tail the man he was meeting inside. As soon as they were leaving, Neal texted Mozzie a quick description of the man and Mozzie confirmed that he’d seen the man and was following him in his ‘legally obtained’ taxi cab.

Elizabeth and Peter’s parents were with the kids and they’d encouraged Neal to do whatever he could to find Peter, so he’d called upon the short man’s assistance, knowing he could trust Mozzie to follow the man without the man knowing he was being tailed.

“ _I just did, which is why I’m calling you._ ” Neal grinned as he began to drive again. “ _He’s in northwestern territory within Brooklyn—and you’ll never believe where he’s being held._ ” Neal made a sound of curiosity. “ _It’s some kind of sexual fetish shop. It’s the perfect cover, honestly, considering she’s a sadistic bitch._ ”

Neal’s grin immediately fell. “Please tell me you actually saw him go elsewhere instead of walking around a store full of sex toys and other sexual objects.”

Mozzie grunted. “ _Of course I did, mon frère… I pretended to be there for myself and so did he, but he slipped into a corner with a keypad. I don’t think he knew I was watching him, but I didn’t catch the key code he used to enter. I can only imagine there’s some strange shit going on back there normally and I can’t imagine how much they paid the owner to allow them to do all of this. There’s no way they would’ve gotten in or the key code itself unless he’s in on the whole thing._ ” Neal couldn’t believe that. The place Peter was lying naked in seemed like a factory of some sort, but Peter had been showered down when they didn’t particularly enjoy how he smelled. “ _I’m sure your Suit-friends will be more than able to find that code and get in themselves._ ”

“Peter, are you hearing all of this?” Peter made a quiet sound to let Neal know that he was listening. “All right, Moz. Text me the location and I’ll pass the word on as soon as I can upon getting to the twenty-first floor. We’re going after Kramer. Diana has the arrest warrant as well as a search warrant.” Mozzie sounded impressed and said it was about time the FBI did something productive. “With Kramer pulling the strings, it makes sense that the division hasn’t been effective. For all we know, Kramer was planting the seeds of darkness within before Hughes was removed. Peter told me this morning that he believes new agents were switched around in advance. Besides, this has definitely been in progress for several months…”

“ _I didn’t realize just how corrupt he is. Guess you had a right to dislike and feel threatened by this son of a bitch._ ”

Neal sighed. “I feel like Kramer was beginning to lose it once Peter stopped training under him.” Mozzie snickered at that and Neal hit the steering wheel with his right hand. “That is _not_ what I meant, God damn it.” Peter was the voice of reason, asking that he calm down. Peter would’ve said something in response to Mozzie if he had the opportunity and he eventually planned on getting the little bastard back for that. “Text me the location. Thanks, Moz,” Neal said through his teeth before hanging up on his friend.

“ _I wholeheartedly agree that teasing you wasn’t appropriate,_ ” Peter admitted. “ _But, honey, I wish you wouldn’t take it so seriously. He’s corrupt and I know he’s fucked up our lives for the moment, but there’s absolutely no reason for you to feel threatened by him._ ”

“Has he spoken to you in person since you were taken?” Peter hesitated. Neal could tell he was holding back now and that was beginning to piss him off as if Mozzie’s snickering hadn’t already put him in that kind of mood. “Peter Michael Burke, I swear to fucking God—”

“ _Yes._ ” Peter was concerned because he didn’t know how Neal was going to react. He hadn’t cheated on Neal in the slightest, but the comments Kramer made to him were absolutely disgusting, provocative, and said before they’d been given the transceivers by Agent Caldwell. A few things had also happened while Neal was sleeping. “ _I swear I haven’t been raped. Kramer’s threatened me several times and he came very close to going through with it. The only thing that stopped him was my pleading and Rachel’s intervention. I guess I’m only grateful to her for constantly preventing my very first experience with being fucked like that._ ”

Neal’s eyes widened and his heart clenched. “Constantly preventing?” he asked incredulously. “How many times have they threatened to rape you?”

Peter cleared his throat and said, “ _Only a few times. He and the two guys were the only ones to come anywhere close to my body. Rachel shot those two, but she’s got some leverage against Kramer. I’m sure of it since he wouldn’t listen to her otherwise._ ”

“I wish I had some God damn evidence to prove all of this.” Peter was silent and Neal’s gut immediately told him something was really wrong. “Peter, did I lose you?”

Quietly, Peter said, “ _No._ ”

Brows furrowed, Neal asked, “Why were you silent after I mentioned wanting evidence to prove his inappropriate sexual advances on you?”

“ _…because there is evidence, assuming I’m not showered and nothing is cleaned before you save me._ ” Neal’s shoulders tensed as he pulled into the parking lot outside of the FBI building.

Glancing at his rings, Neal whispered, “What kind of evidence?”

Peter sighed. “ _I didn’t lie when I told you I wasn’t raped. I haven’t been forced into sex of any kind. However, the sick fuck was in here a few times and jerked himself off while staring at me._ ” As soon as Neal parked the Taurus, his fingers tightened their grip on the steering wheel. “ _If I’m not showered before you get here, he’s ejaculated on me six times. It can be used as evidence. I don’t know if his semen on my person can be tested, but there’s some on the blanket just in case… We can use that against him, honey._ ”

“This just makes arresting him so much sweeter,” Neal snarled. In a way, Peter appreciated Neal’s jealousy. He didn’t doubt Neal’s love for him nor did he ever have any doubts when it came to his love for Neal. It was just kind of nice to know Neal felt as threatened as he always did when Neal was put into an unfavorable sexual situation. Neither Vincent nor Craig could ever be loved by Neal, but they’d tried to make Neal love them. Kramer was nearly the same kind of animal in this instance. He wants Peter to love him and Peter didn’t feel inclined to return that love at all.

“ _I love you. All I’m asking of you is that you be careful. He could still hurt you, honey, and that’s what I’m afraid of._ ”

Neal turned the car off and climbed out as his phone vibrated twice in his pocket. One message was the location Mozzie discovered—with an apology as well—and the second was from Diana, informing him that everyone was ready to go as soon as he arrived. “I have a bulletproof vest on, my love. I know that leaves other places open for injury, but he can’t harm my torso at the very least. I highly doubt he’ll take a shot at me in the midst of all the other agents though.” Peter sighed and Neal could imagine him shaking his head. “I’m meeting with him alone because he wants to talk to me. He set this meeting up, but I’m controlling it.”

Peter made a quiet sound and whispered, “ _Just be careful, baby. I don’t want you to get hurt._ ”

The younger man was making his way towards the entrance of the FBI building and he said, “I’m not going to get hurt, love. Diana will back me up and I’m armed.” Peter asked him to explain why he armed himself since Peter believed Neal could still potentially end up shooting himself. “Diana and I have practiced with unloaded guns. She’s the best agent you know and I would have killed her nine of the ten times we pulled our guns on each other. I’m a quick draw.”

“ _That one out of ten chance that you could be shot is what scares me, Neal…_ ”

Neal, as he stood in the elevator alone, said, “I promise I’ll try not to let my anger get the best of me. I’m going to try to be subjective about this and attempt to prevent a shootout.”

Peter scoffed. “ _Bitch, please._ ” Neal smiled to himself a little—until Peter coughed painfully. “ _I know you far better than that, darling. Don’t lie to me. Just be careful._ ”

“Promise,” Neal whispered. He watched the numbers as the elevator made its way towards the twenty-first floor. “I love you, Peter. I’m bringing him down for everything he ever did, every sexual thought about you, and everything he wanted or wished he could do to you.”

“ _I love you. I appreciate everything you’ve done, Neal._ ”

The elevator dinged and Neal whispered, “Here we go,” before taking a deep breath. The doors slid open and he stepped out. Peter was staying quiet during all of this because he wanted to listen to everything that was said to his husband. Neal quietly greeted a few agents who spoke to him as he made his way up to Kramer’s office.

“Ah, Mister Burke. You’re right on time.” Neal nodded and entered the office. “Take a seat.”

“I’d prefer to stand.”

Kramer stared at Neal wordlessly for a moment, but nodded. “The bureau hasn’t been able to uncover much evidence as to where your husband may have been taken.” Both Peter and Neal could hear his lack of remorse as well as how bitter he sounded upon saying ‘your husband.’ “I assure you that we’re doing the best we can to find him.”

Neal forced himself to nod. “The FBI has always been reliable as far as I’m concerned. My husband is good for this division and you all know it. I know you’re trying to find him.” Peter reminded Neal to tone it down on the hostility because he knew his husband better than Kramer. Kramer couldn’t tell the difference between Neal’s appreciation and sarcasm or comprehend what was considered to be his bitter and jealous side. Neal, along with Hughes and a great deal of agents in the White Collar division, wished Peter had been given this position when Hughes was forced out. None of the original members of the division liked Kramer. “I just hope there’s something for you all to find considering it’s been a few weeks…”

“If he’s still alive, we’ll find him.” Again, Neal forced himself to nod. “How are your children holding up? I wasn’t told the location of the safe house they’re in and I couldn’t find any connections to Peter’s name—or yours.” Internally, Neal felt like he’d already had one partial victory. Mozzie altered the database and filled in another agent’s name in place of Peter’s so Kramer couldn’t find the kids.

“They’re all right. It’s hard for them to understand what’s going on. Our teenager understands, but the little ones don’t.” He didn’t want to say more about his children to Kramer. “Can I ask as to what exactly is being done to find my husband?”

Kramer nodded. “We’ve put out an APB and BOLO out for Rachel and any of her known accomplices.” _Bullshit._ “We also have teams of agents scouring the entirety of New York to find him.” _More bullshit._ “It’ll only be a matter of time before he’s found if he’s still alive. I have assigned my best agents to the task of finding Agent Burke.” This level of _bullshit_ was _unbelievable._ “As soon as I know more, you’ll be the first to hear about any information I’ve obtained.”

Neal flexed his fingers. To anyone else, it looked as though he were just flexing his tense fingers. To the discerning eyes he was silently alerting, the flexing of his fingers was something else entirely. “Agent Kramer,” Neal said gently. “If I may be blunt with you…” Kramer nodded at him. “You’re under arrest.” Kramer’s brows furrowed and then the door of Kramer’s office was thrown open and a team of agents burst in had their guns aimed directly at Kramer. Jones grabbed Neal and moved him back, protecting him just in case something happened.

“What the hell is going on?” Kramer asked incredulously. “This is absolutely uncalled for. What kind of mutiny is this?”

“A mutiny that is absolutely legal and called for.” Bruce Hawes stepped into the office as a few agents moved aside. “Agent Phillip Kramer, we have evidence that undoubtedly puts you in league with the rogue MI-five agent, Rachel Turner. This evidence also undoubtedly proves that this plot to kidnap Agent Peter Burke was premeditated.” Kramer stared at the man incredulously. Neal brought Bruce in because his words weighed heavily over anyone in this particular division. “You have kidnapped a federal agent and exploited the damage to a former federal agent’s memory, which may or may not have also been premeditated. In addition to that, you’ve put the entire Burke family—which includes minors—through intentional emotional and psychological distress by assisting in the kidnapping of Agent Peter Burke.” Kramer looked at Neal and Neal gave him the best ‘fuck you’ smirk he could muster up in that exact moment.

Kramer made a sound of outrage. “What evidence is there?”

Bruce stepped closer to Kramer and showed him a copy of the conversation Kramer had with Rachel on the phone. “Is this or is this not your phone number?” Kramer remained silent. As Bruce flipped to show Kramer another page, he asked, “Is this or is this not your signature, Agent Kramer?” Kramer knew he was beaten then and there was nothing he could do. All of the agents who’d aligned themselves to him and only him were ‘scouring the entirety of New York.’ “Agent Phillip Kramer, you are under arrest.” Several agents stepped forward and arrested the man, cuffing him instantaneously and leading him away as Diana followed along and recited Kramer’s rights out of sheer habit and the fact that she wanted to humiliate Kramer in front of agents who weren’t closely involved in the efforts the division made with Neal.

The agents cleared out and several escorted Kramer out of the FBI building. Jones, however, stayed with Neal. He had an obligation he owed directly to Peter—ensuring Neal’s safety. “Thank you, Bruce,” Neal said to the man as they neared each other.

“ _Holy shit,_ ” Peter said in his ear. “ _When the hell did you have the time to organize all of that without me hearing about it?_ ”

Neal smiled as he said, “You were sleeping and I was listening to you breathe, my love. It kept me calm as we planned this moment. I called Bruce and he became the lead investigator on this issue over the subdivision of agents in the White Collar division, including everyone who is loyal to you.”

“Tell that bastard he owes me a visit to DC—and a drink or two.”

Peter chuckled. “ _Tell that bastard to buy that drink or two with the money he’s made from his cozy, little DC position._ ”

Snickering, Neal relayed Peter’s message to Bruce. “Peter and I will personally make every effort to come down to DC since you’ve come here to help us,” Neal promised. “We both truly appreciate the help.”

Bruce waved off his gratitude. “You, the hubby, and your beautiful kids are my family. There’s absolutely no thanks necessary. In fact, I thank you for including me, former-Special Agent Neal Burke.” Neal smiled a little. “Now’s the hard part. We’ve got to locate Peter. I’m assuming he doesn’t know where he is?”

“He has an idea as to where he is, but a…confidential informant of my own was able to follow an agent involved in this whole thing and obtained the address.”

Bruce gave Neal an impressed look. “I always knew Peter’s praise was always justified. Now I can see exactly why he’s always spoken so highly of you to me.” Neal blushed a little and Peter whispered an ‘I love you’ to his husband. “Well, what’re we waiting for? Let’s go rescue the damsel in distress.”

Neal laughed and the remainder of the party that invaded Kramer’s office was preparing for hostility. “ _Remind that asshole of the fact that I was at the top of our class and I don’t recall seeing him in second place._ ” Neal smiled as he followed Bruce and heard his husband’s remark. He passed along his husband’s words and elicited a guffaw from the other man.

All agents made their way to their individual cars, but Bruce and Jones joined Neal as they all climbed into Peter’s Taurus. Neal told Jones the address of Peter’s whereabouts and Jones radioed it to the other agents involved. “We’re on our way, my love,” Neal told his husband.

“ _Thank God. I’ve waited long enough to be with you again._ ”

Neal smiled as he listened to his husband’s even breathing on the other end. He knew how relieved and happy Peter was to know he had people coming to his aid. All agents—and Neal—were at the halfway point between the FBI building and the building Peter was captive in when Neal heard gunshots on Peter’s end. “Peter!” he cried out. “Peter, are you okay?”

Jones and Bruce were staring at the younger man concernedly. “ _I may just kill you myself,_ ” Rachel sneered. “ _Who needs Neal when I could put a bullet between your eyes in an instant?_ ”

“ _What did I do? I’ve been in this fucking room for weeks._ ”

“ _You contacted the FBI. I just received word that Kramer was arrested. I will kill you if the FBI knows about this location._

Rachel was angry, but Neal and Peter could hear the slight fear intertwined with that anger. “ _I’m bound at the wrists, knees, and ankles, so I’m flattered that you actually think I could call for help without being caught on camera._ ” Rachel wanted to spew venomous words at Peter, but she figured Peter was right. She realized she’d been betrayed by someone on the inside and assumed Peter knew nothing about any of this.

Moments later, Neal’s cell phone began to vibrate in his pocket. “Fuck,” he whispered. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tossed it over to Jones. “Answer and put her on speaker.” Jones did as Neal asked very quickly. “This is Burke.”

“ _Hello, sweetheart._ ” Neal’s insides heated up with rage as the sound of her voice. “ _I bet you’re surprised to find out I’m the mastermind behind your lover’s kidnapping._ ”

“I kind of figured you were involved in some way or another.”

“ _Are you still interested in saving him?_ ”

Neal swallowed hard because he knew it was time for him to play the role Peter asked of him. “I’d really like to know where that son of a bitch is. He’s lied to me all this time and I’m _glad_ he’s not with me right now because I’d fucking kill him.” Jones and Bruce stared at Neal incredulously, wondering what the hell just happened. “You were right when you said he lied to me. I was too damn blind to see it then, but I can see it now. I know what he did to me and he tried to blame someone else for my pain.”

She made a sound of delight as Peter whispered, “ _Beautiful,_ ” in his ear, giving him a one word response to let him know everything he said was exactly what Rachel wanted him to say.

“ _So what exactly would you like me to do with him? Should I kill him?_ ”

“No,” Neal growled. “He raped and abused me more times than I can remember. I want to kill him myself. Peter Burke is the biggest bastard and liar I’ve ever met in my life and I’m so sorry for taking his side when I should have been on yours.”

She hushed him and his jaw set firmly as she said, “ _I absolutely understand, my love. Meet me at the Brooklyn Bridge in half an hour._ ”

“Don’t drown him or kill him. He’s _mine._ ” Rachel agreed and hung up.

“What the hell was that?” Bruce and Jones exclaimed simultaneously, making the younger man flinch in response. They all cared very deeply when it came to Peter, but the other two in the car didn’t realize that Peter asked him to do this.

He opened his mouth to speak, but paused. He listened to Rachel’s threats, her piercing words, and he could hear Peter’s fake reaction. Peter was able to force himself to sob, but Neal knew it wasn’t real. It didn’t mean the sound of Peter’s sobs didn’t hurt him though. “Those notes,” he said to Jones, “were triggers. Rachel did something to my brain and I ‘remembered’ Peter raping me and abusing me like I just said. However, Peter was able to tell me that she was playing a mind game with me. One of the transcripts in the phone logs between Rachel and Kramer indicated that she did something to me and it was all done in preparation for all of this.” Jones’ jaw dropped. “I know how unbelievable all of this sounds, but I’m playing along at Peter’s request because I’m going to use this opportunity to free him.”

“You need backup though,” Jones insisted. Neal shook his head. “Neal, I can’t let you go there alone. If she kills you—”

“She won’t. She thinks her plot to turn me against Peter was a success.” He listened to Peter’s own acting and was impressed by how real Peter sounded. It sounded almost too real and that frightened Neal to an extent. “I’m going to drop you off as close as I can to the other location, but I need to do this on my own.” Bruce and Jones weren’t quite sure if they could change Neal’s mind. They knew he and Peter discussed this and they didn’t think they could interfere with the bond between the two husbands. “She’s going to regret every time she raped me, every time she watched someone rape me, and she’s going to fucking regret every second of torture, humiliation, and solitude she inflicted upon my husband.”

Jones’ first instinct was to prevent Neal from going through with this because he’s too emotionally influenced by the situation and he didn’t think Neal would be able to pull this off. “You’re sure we can’t help you?” Bruce asked.

Neal smiled sadly as he drove like a madman to get to the other location quickly to drop Jones and Bruce off to assist in the takedown of the others involved in all of this. “I appreciate your offer, but this is something I need to do alone. Peter carried me away from the horrors I experienced in the past and no one helped him carry me.” Bruce smiled a little himself because he knew this was the man Peter deserved. Despite thinking this wasn’t particularly a good idea himself, he knew Neal was determined to save Peter. “I’m going to carry him away from this. I’m going to give my husband the love he has always given me in my darkest moments. I don’t owe him that—he deserves that kind of love in return and I am more than happy and willing to give it to him.”

After fifteen minutes, Neal reached the other location and allowed the two men to leave the car. Bruce’s parting words to him were, “Go get ‘im, tiger. Be careful.”

As Neal raced back towards the Brooklyn Bridge, he could hear Peter making sounds of pain. He didn’t know if Peter had been hurt or not when Rachel took him away from the initial location, but it didn’t matter because the outcome of all of this would remain the same whether Peter was hurt or not.

He could hear Rachel’s laughter—laughter at Peter’s pain. Even if Peter’s pain were being faked, she still thought his pain was a laughing matter. “I’m on my way,” Neal told his husband through the transceiver. “I swear to God… I am bringing you home to our children today.” Peter was begging Rachel to stop the car, to stop Neal before he could do this, and she didn’t listen to his pleas.

“ _Thank you,_ ” Peter whispered thickly. It was said quiet enough that Rachel hadn’t heard him and Neal’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel as he tried to make his way to the Bridge before she killed Peter herself.

“I love you, Peter Michael.” He could already imagine Peter smiling at him, holding him, stroking his hair, kissing him, and making love to him… As he imagined the warmth and love that would undoubtedly radiate from his husband’s very essence, a single tear slid down the right side of his face. He wasn’t going to fail. He wasn’t going to allow his husband to die—nor was he going to die himself. He was going to keep his promise to his children and he was going to keep his promise to his husband. The two of them would go home to their children as soon as this was all over. Fiercely, Neal whispered, “I love you so much.” 


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter are reunited.

Neal closed his eyes and took a deep breath as soon as he reached the bridge. Peter’s life was on the line regardless of what was going to transpire here and the last thing he wanted to do was allow his husband to die. He promised their son that they would both come home and he wasn’t going to let fate make a liar out of him. He was going to challenge fate and make damn sure he and Peter survive this encounter. Nicky didn’t know about any of this because he didn’t want his son to worry. All he told Nicky was that he was finally making progress. Once again, he’d promised his son that everything would be all right in the end.

Opening his car door, he climbed out and patted his midsection just to be sure that he hadn’t lost the gun at any point. He was imagining all of the worst case scenarios as he approached another parked car nearby. It was empty, but Rachel and Peter had to be nearby. He couldn’t make Peter speak to him right now because Rachel is too close. If Peter were to say anything, Rachel would hear him and know that Neal lied. There was no reason for her to keep Peter alive then.

He neared the water he could hear crashing against the land and that was when he saw them. Rachel was standing over Peter with a gun against the back of his head. “Rachel,” Neal called out quietly. She glanced at him and gave him a devious smile. He came closer and began acting again, sneering in Peter’s general direction. He made it as believable as he could. “Fucker,” Neal growled.

Everything Neal was going to say was directed towards Rachel, but it had to be said in Peter’s direction. Neal was pissed off because his husband was naked, dirty, and on his knees. He never wanted to see anyone force his husband into submission ever again. “I’m glad you’ve finally seen the truth.” She glanced at Peter and said, “Do you have any last remarks to make to this monster before I step aside and let you handle him?”

Neal swallowed hard, but he knew Peter was sanctioning this role he needed to play to convince her. He’d make his apologies to Peter later—in any way he could. Rushing forward, Neal gripped Peter’s hair roughly and forced Peter to look up at him. Peter stared up at him with tears in his eyes and he could see just how much Peter loves him. “You are a monster,” he spat in Peter’s direction. “After everything, I can’t believe you did all of this to me. I can’t believe you would allow others to take the fall for you.” He roughly pulled Peter’s hair, jerking Peter’s head a bit as though he really were angry at him. “I thought I loved you once. Now I realize I never loved you at all.”

Rachel looked positively thrilled by Neal’s words. This was what she’d wanted since the very first time she kissed Neal—in the apartment he’d shared with only Peter and Nicky at the time. “N-Neal…” Peter stammered. Neal’s heart fluttered and sank as he watched his husband cry right in front of him. “I-I… I didn’t hurt you. Please believe me. Please—”

A very brief look of apology crossed Neal’s features before he released Peter’s hair and backhanded him. Rachel practically squealed happily as she watched the two men put on a show before her. “Don’t lie to me,” Neal growled. “I know who you are. I know what you are. I know how many lies you’ve told me, how many lies you’ve wanted me to believe.” Peter was looking up at Neal as though he really believed Neal was speaking to him. “You never loved me. You can’t tell me you loved me and mean it after everything you’ve done to me.”

Peter closed his eyes and Neal watched his lips tremble. His heart was already broken as he stared at his husband, but it felt like the shattered pieces of his heart were becoming smaller and smaller as they continued breaking apart. “He has used you for so long,” Rachel said to Neal. “He began to believe his own lies, but they’ve finally caught up to him.” Neal had to force himself to look away from Peter and at the bitch. “How desperately do you want him dead?”

Neal pulled the gun out of his waistband rather quickly and pressed it against Peter’s head. “So desperately,” he whispered. Peter’s breathing became erratic and Neal knew he was terrifying his husband even though Peter knew he hadn’t sided with Rachel. The fact that Neal had a loaded gun against his head unnerved the hell out of the older man. “I hate everything you did to me. I hate everything you said to me. I hate _you._ ”

Tears slid down the sides of Peter’s face as he opened his eyes and stared up at his husband. Neal’s piercing blue eyes were on him and he could see no cruelty in Neal’s eyes. He knows Neal loves him, but hearing every word Neal was saying did hurt. Even though he knew Neal was making his last remarks to Rachel, he took this a little to heart. He wouldn’t admit that to Neal, but he imagined that this is exactly what would happen if he ever hurt Neal so badly that Neal could never trust him again or believe a word he’s said in the past. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you, Neal.”

“Pull the trigger, baby,” Rachel encouraged him. “Unless you have more that you need to say.”

“I wish I’d never met you,” Neal growled. “I wish we’d never fucked, that we never uttered those three words to each other. Telling you I loved you was a lie. And now I know just how much of a liar you were whenever you told me you loved me.” Neal set his jaw firmly and Rachel grinned as she watched Neal struggle. She knew he was going to kill Peter—and then he would be all hers.

Rachel put her gun in its holster and crossed her arms over her chest as she focused on the face of the man she loves. “I wish I’d saved you all this trouble,” Rachel admitted to Neal. Neal didn’t look away from Peter’s gaze, but something inside of him snapped when she said, “I tried to kill him. I was the one who nearly shot him in the heart. I was afraid to hit you, so I didn’t kill him.” Peter’s eyes widened in surprise and Neal had to refrain from showing that same surprise. “I watched you react and I didn’t want to hurt you, Neal, but I wish I’d killed him to spare you of all this pain.”

Neal forced himself to smile a little sadistically and it felt so wrong, like he wasn’t himself. “I appreciate that you missed,” he admitted. The second half of his statement was a lie and Peter knew it. “You saved his torture for me. Now he gets to look into my eyes as I take his life from him.” Peter’s heart stopped when he saw Neal’s finger twitch on the trigger.

“Neal,” he whispered. He felt like something shifted within his husband and perhaps Neal was here to kill him now. Maybe Neal was beginning to believe Rachel and was actually turning against him now.

“You’re going to hell,” Neal said fiercely. “I should have killed you a very long time ago, but I’m glad I have this opportunity now.” Peter tried to keep himself calm even though he was panicking. “Good fucking riddance.” Even then, Peter couldn’t close his eyes. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from the man he loves more than anything else in the world and the man who could potentially end his life at this very moment. As Neal’s finger twitched on the trigger again, Neal quickly shifted his aim and shot Rachel in the shoulder once, proceeded to shoot her twice in the stomach, and then he watched her drop. She wasn’t dead, but Neal was going to make her suffer. Neal laughed and snarled, “Like I would ever completely trust you! Peter is everything to me, you bitch!” Peter wanted to wrap his arms around Neal, but he was still bound for the moment.

Rachel was gasping and crying out as Neal quickly moved to disarm her, tossing her gun back towards Peter. He didn’t lower his own gun as she screamed in agony. “You played me?” she asked incredulously. “You should have believed he did those things to you! You were supposed to believe he did everything!”

Neal stood over her and aimed his gun between her eyes. “Peter would never do any of that to me. He loves me so much, Rachel, and it’s a damn shame you’ll never know how true love actually feels.” She glared up at him and Peter didn’t want to turn around, but he did anyway. He could see the hatred in Neal’s eyes as he stared at her. “You shot my husband several years ago and I nearly _lost_ him,” he whispered fiercely as tears began to well up in his own eyes—angry tears. He could remember the moment Peter had been shot every single time he touched the scar, but he now knew who shot Peter in the first place.

After going years without answers, they finally knew who’d attempted to murder Peter. “He doesn’t deserve you,” she told him. “He doesn’t know how to love you. He doesn’t treat you like a real man.”

Peter didn’t look at her. He focused on his husband because he didn’t know what Neal was going to do. “Don’t you dare assume you know how he feels about me,” Neal snapped at her. She began to taunt him, questioning his own masculinity if he allowed Peter to oppress him like he has all this time. She made comments about how Neal submits himself willingly to his master and laughed at him. Before Peter could attempt to dissuade Neal from doing something he may regret, Neal went through with it by his own choice.

A single gunshot boomed and echoed in the air. Neal’s aim was absolutely perfect and the silence that followed moments later was a clear sign that he’d accomplished exactly what he’d wanted to accomplish.

Since she’d attempted to take Peter’s life by nearly shooting him through the heart, Neal took her life using the same method. The only difference was that he _didn’t miss._

Peter stared at Neal with wide eyes. He didn’t think Neal was going to kill her, but he wasn’t going to complain about her death. “Neal,” he whispered as he watched his husband breathe heavily while looming over Rachel’s dead body. He felt like Neal was going to have a panic attack and he didn’t want Neal to go through it alone. “Neal, please.”

Neal put the safety on the gun and dropped it before running to Peter. The first thing he did was drop to his knees, embrace his husband, and kiss him fiercely. “I love you, Peter… God, do I love you…” Peter wished Neal had taken care of his bindings beforehand because he wanted to hold Neal just as much, but he couldn’t exactly do that—or move at all. “She can never hurt you again,” Neal murmured as he peppered kisses all over Peter’s face a few moments later. “She’ll never take you away. Never again.” Neal was gasping against him and Peter could feel his husband’s tears on his skin.

Gently, the older man hushed his husband. He desperately wanted to ask Neal to remove his bindings, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment. Neal was relieved because she was dead and they were still alive. “I love you,” he whispered to the younger man. “I love you very much, baby boy. I can’t tell you just how much I love you…” Neal managed to calm himself down several moments later and then he sat back so he could look at Peter.

In Peter’s eyes, he could see an ocean of love, of trust, and of gratitude. Peter’s smile was genuine, but he looked so tired. Half of his face was bruised and a little bloody as a result of the torture they inflicted upon him. Glancing down Peter’s body, he saw the scar near Peter’s heart and he reached out to touch it immediately. His eyes drifted lower and he could see that Peter’s midsection was covered in bruises. “When the hell did all of this happen?” he asked brokenly.

“Before the transceiver was given to you,” Peter whispered. “I kept myself from facing the camera because I didn’t want them to know I was talking to you, but I didn’t want you to see this…” He could see the agony in Neal’s eyes and he wanted nothing more than to hug his husband. “Honey, I’m really sorry for asking… Can you please untie me?” Neal sat up straighter as that finally clicked in his brain.

“I left the pocketknife in the car. Shit.” They could hear the FBI agents finally arriving and Neal wanted to take care of his husband now that there wasn’t an immediate threat. As Neal attempted to lift Peter into a standing position, Peter cried out in agony. “What?” Neal asked frantically. “What did I hurt?”

“Nothing,” Peter said through his teeth. “Nothing.”

Neal stopped trying to lift his husband and he asked, “How badly did they hurt you?”

Peter sighed and leaned forward, resting his head on Neal’s shoulder. “At least two of my ribs are broken. I’m fairly certain my cheekbone is broken. My right shoulder is dislocated.” Neal’s eyes widened as he listened to his husband give him an inventory of injuries. “I may have a few broken fingers, too. They were merciless at first…”

“Jesus Christ,” Neal said miserably. “I need to call an ambulance. I can’t move you.”

“No,” Peter pleaded. “I need you. I need to be with you.”

Neal smiled sadly as he whispered, “I can ride in the ambulance with you, sweetheart.”

Peter nipped at Neal’s neck and Neal yelped quietly because he hadn’t expected that at all. He didn’t think his husband would really feel up to messing around just yet considering all of his injuries. “I’ll wait here. Go get the car.” Neal protested and Peter bit his neck. If Peter weren’t so hurt already, Neal would’ve smacked his husband’s bare ass. “Go, Neal. I want you to take me. I don’t want to be in an ambulance.” Neal sighed and rubbed Peter’s neck before kissing his forehead. He darted off towards the car like Peter wanted him to and he quickly jumped in and drove closer to Peter, parking as closely as he could so he didn’t have to cause Peter more pain than was necessary.

Within moments, Neal was out of the car and on his knees behind Peter, cutting through the bindings on Peter’s wrists, knees, and ankles. Peter gasped in pain when he moved his arms and he would’ve fallen forward if Neal hadn’t wrapped his arm around his upper torso. “I’ve got you,” Neal promised him. He kissed Peter’s temple and, despite knowing it would be difficult, he gathered Peter into his arms. He did struggle with Peter’s weight, but his determination and the fact that Peter held onto him made things slightly easier.

Neal helped his husband lie down in the back of the car before throwing a blanket over him. He tucked it in around Peter’s chilled skin and Peter lifted his left hand so he could grip Neal’s jaw. Neal paused and looked at his husband concernedly. “I love you, Neal. I could never love anyone more than I love you.”

“I’ll never, ever love anyone other than you,” Neal whispered as he smiled lovingly at his husband. “Well, aside from our babies.” Peter chuckled and made a pained sound moments later. “Okay. It’s time for me to get you out of here.” He made sure Peter was situated as comfortably as he could manage and then he closed the door.

Peter listened to his husband speak outside of the car and he didn’t have it in him to sit up and make sure Neal was okay. He wanted to downplay his injuries as much as he could, but he didn’t want to hide things from Neal because he knows how sensitive Neal can be.

In a matter of moments, Neal slid into the car and tossed the gun he’d retrieved into the passenger seat. “Was that my gun?” Peter asked, sounding amused. Neal glanced back at him and gave him a small smile. “Nice, baby.”

“My prints are on it. Jones told me not to worry about it though. He took pictures quickly and told me I could take the gun.” He started up the car and began to take his husband to the nearest hospital. “If either of us get into trouble for killing her, I will immediately take responsibility for my actions and claim it was self-defense since she was, technically, armed and potentially dangerous.” Peter closed his eyes and listened to his husband ramble about a few things before he faded out of consciousness, hearing his husband’s beautiful voice even as it lulled him to sleep.

•◊•

The next time Peter woke up, it was dark and he could hear quiet singing beside him—Neal was singing. He was singing their song: _I Wanna Kiss You All Over._ He moaned quietly and Neal paused. “Don’t stop,” he whispered.

“Welcome back, lover.” Neal leaned over him and kissed his forehead. Peter looked at his husband and saw how exhausted he looked. “Everything went well. I was told that your ribs will heal on their own, that your knee needs surgery, and your cheekbone will require a little bit of surgery.” Peter groaned and closed his eyes. “Hey,” Neal whispered. “You’re still alive and I’m grateful for that.” He kissed Peter’s nose this time before sitting back down. “Your wrists and ankles are bruised, but they’ll be fine. Your arm’s in a sling and they taped your fingers together since the breaks weren’t too severe.”

“Did I die and go to hell?”

Neal rolled his eyes. “If you took me to hell with you, then yes.”

Peter shook his head slowly. “Beautiful angels like you don’t belong in hell.”

The younger man smiled when Peter opened his eyes and looked at him. “Nicky knows you’re okay, but I probably won’t be able to bring him in for a little while considering all of the surgery you need.” Peter slid his left hand across the bed and Neal gently curled his fingers around Peter’s. “You’re going to have to take quite a bit of time off from work, love, and then we’re going to focus on making damn sure you don’t overexert yourself. You need to heal.”

“Baby.” Neal made a quiet sound of question. “Get up here and make love with me.” Neal chuckled. “I’m not kidding. I love you so much and I want you so badly.”

“Peter, come on. You know we can’t do that right now.” Peter gave him a pleading, pouty look and Neal shook his head. “Oh, I’m not falling for that, my love. You can give me puppy dog eyes and the pouty lip all you want.” Peter huffed and Neal lifted Peter’s left hand so he could kiss Peter’s wedding ring. “When you’re healed, you know I’ll be more than happy to make love with you again. For the next several weeks, you need to take it easy and I’m going to kick your ass if you hurt yourself enough to wind up in here again. I’m sorry that you’re a little horny, but there’s nothing we can do about it right now that won’t hurt you in some way.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “So I guess that rules out making love to you while you’re asleep?”

Rolling his eyes again, Neal muttered, “You’re impossible…”

“I don’t know if my body can take this,” Peter admitted. “I’m not trying to be insensitive, but my traumas are all physical—not emotional or sexual. I can have sex with you, honey, and nothing bad will happen.”

Neal let out a sigh of frustration. “Sex is not an option until I’m sure you won’t hurt yourself.” Peter frowned at him and Neal knew how badly Peter was craving him because he was feeling those same cravings for Peter. “When Doctor Lindley clears you, we’ll start having sex again—carefully. Until then, you need to rest and relax. Don’t stress yourself out and don’t overexert your body.” Peter looked away from his husband and Neal sighed—sadly. “I want you, too. I want you really, really bad, Peter.” Peter made a sound and Neal closed his eyes. “If you weren’t hurt so badly in certain places of your body, I’d still be reluctant to do anything. Your shoulder’s dislocated, your ribs are broken, your knee is—”

“Stop talking,” Peter snapped as he pulled his hand away from Neal’s. Neal instantly silenced himself and wished he could do or say something to make Peter feel better. He opened his mouth to speak and Peter said, “You say another word and I’m going to ask you to leave.” Neal closed his mouth and frowned. He understands Peter’s frustration and he didn’t know how to compensate for Peter’s injuries and sexual needs right now. It would be at least six weeks before Neal would even consider making love with Peter out of sheer fear that Peter would wind up in the hospital again. Peter couldn’t be on his knees over him or behind him. Peter’s ribs and dislocated shoulder posed problems that he knew would frustrate Peter. He wasn’t purposely trying to torture his husband by denying him sex. His first duty as Peter’s husband was to take care of him.

They were silent for quite some time before Neal pushed his chair back and stood up. As soon as he did that, Peter looked at him concernedly. “I’ll be back,” Neal said miserably as he turned to leave.

“No,” Peter pleaded. “I’m sorry, Neal. Don’t leave.” Neal sighed. All he wanted to do was take a walk around the floor and maybe get himself something to eat. He’s been in the hospital with Peter for three days already and he only ate one small meal in that length of time because Hannah forced him into the cafeteria and Jon didn’t let him back into Peter’s hospital room until he ate _everything._ “I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

“I’m fine,” Neal whispered. He was honestly anything but fine. Nicky kept texting him for updates, Elizabeth frequently let him know that the twins were doing all right, and Peter’s parents were trying to give him as much affection as they could since Peter had been unconscious until a little while ago. He hadn’t slept at all since he brought Peter into the hospital. He was high on adrenaline and extremely worried about his husband, so he didn’t think it was possible for him to rest until he knew Peter was going to wake up.

Peter reached out with his left hand, hoping Neal would come back to him. When Neal didn’t move, Peter whispered, “Don’t lie to me. I know you’re not fine, Neal.” Neal closed his eyes and Peter felt awful when Neal broke down. Neal felt so embarrassed because his exhaustion led him to this emotional state, so he covered his face and tried to at least make it to the bathroom. “Neal!” Peter pleaded quietly. Neal froze in front of the bathroom door as he continued sobbing into his hands. “Baby, come back. Don’t run away.” Neal lowered his hands and rubbed his tears away in frustration before returning to Peter’s side, plopping down into the chair beside Peter’s hospital bed. “Holy shit. You look terrible.”

As if Neal hadn’t felt awful already, he said, “You know, I could really do without the criticism right now, damn it. I’m so fucking tired and out of it because I was so fucking afraid that you were going to be comatose if I fell asleep. I haven’t eaten in two fucking days. I haven’t seen my children in three fucking days. You just woke up about forty-five minutes ago and I just want to go home so you don’t have to put up with me anymore.”

The older man bit his lip because he knew how much Neal overexerted his emotional and physical wellbeing. “I love you, Neal. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve my shitty attitude.” He tried to get Neal to smile by giving him a small smile, but Neal wasn’t interested in returning it considering how shitty he felt now. “Honey, thank you for being at my side. I’m really sorry for being ungrateful, lover. If you want to go home and rest, you can. I don’t want to make you feel worse.” Peter didn’t realize they’d been here for more than a day already, so he felt awful for hurting his husband’s feelings considering Neal’s remained at his side faithfully since rescuing him. “Do you want to go home? I can ask dad to come pick you up.” Neal gave him a look of confusion. “Honey, I don’t want you to drive like this. You’re upset—with me. You’re not feeling well, you’re tired, and I don’t feel comfortable letting you leave unless I’m sure you won’t unintentionally get yourself killed.”

“It’s not like you want me here,” Neal whispered miserably. “All I’ve done since you woke up is fail you repeatedly and piss you off because I—”

“Don’t do that to yourself,” Peter pleaded. “I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right about everything you told me and I should’ve listened to you.” Neal shrugged. “Baby, you haven’t failed me or pissed me off. I frustrated myself because there’s nothing I can do for our sex life. I promised you I’d make love to you as soon as we were together again and I didn’t stay true to that…”

“I don’t give a damn about the sex,” Neal snapped. “I want to have sex with you, but your physical wellbeing means so much more to me.” Peter nodded and lifted his left hand when Neal leaned forward while sighing. He stroked Neal’s hair gently and hoped that was helping Neal a little. “I just want you to get better. I don’t want to do something that will set back any progress your body makes while healing.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s soft, warm lips and Neal gently kissed Peter’s thumb.

Peter smiled sadly even though Neal wasn’t looking at him. “I won’t pressure you into anything,” Peter reassured his husband, “and I’ll stop begging until, like you said, the doctor clears me.” Neal lifted his head so he could meet Peter’s gaze and Peter realized how much that little statement meant to his husband. “You’ve done so much for me, Neal. The least I can do is honor your request and acknowledge that you want me to get better before we can get dirty together.” Neal actually laughed a little and that made Peter’s heart flutter. “There’s the sun,” he whispered when he saw Neal crack a little smile. “I’ll take it easy, lover. I’m so sorry for stressing you out. If you want to go home, you can. You need to rest and eat, Neal.” Peter watched his husband start to lean forward and his brows furrowed. “Hon, you okay?” Peter realized Neal was tired enough to fall asleep while they were talking. “Neal, climb up here with me,” he said softly, nudging his husband. “Sleeping in a chair is uncomfortable. Trust me—I know.”

“Can’t,” Neal whispered. “I’ll hurt you.”

“Oh, get up here, angel. Lie down on my left side and we’ll be—” Neal moved abruptly and did exactly that. He climbed onto the bed and, despite being as tired as he is, made sure they were both comfortable and covered up. “There we go,” Peter whispered, kissing Neal’s hair. Neal’s head was on his chest and his hand was over Peter’s heart, touching the scar tentatively. “Rest, beautiful. You deserve it after everything you’ve done for me. I’m safe and we’re together again.”

Neal whispered, “I’ll sleep better…with you…” He was dozing off again and Peter couldn’t blame him. Neal was physically and emotionally tired, plus Peter frustrated him enough to make him cry and that didn’t make it any better. Peter was determined to make sure Neal took care of himself first because he didn’t want Neal harming himself while he was trying to help his husband.

He fell asleep with his husband, relaxing because he knew they’d both sleep better together.

.The following morning, Peter woke up again and he glanced at his husband. Neal was still sound asleep and it looked as if he hadn’t moved or woken up at all during the night. He wanted to shift a little because Neal was laying on his arm, but he really didn’t want to wake the younger man. He absolutely understood losing sleep over not having his husband beside him. Neal hadn’t allowed himself to relax for several weeks and he hadn’t allowed himself to rest in the last several days either.

When Neal’s leg shifted and hit Peter’s knee, Peter tried not to make a sound, but he still did. Unfortunately, Neal instantly woke up and Peter could see the panicked look on Neal’s face. “It’s okay,” Peter reassured him. “Go back to sleep, honey.”

“I hurt you,” Neal whispered, pushing himself up carefully. He moved his legs away from Peter and was beginning to slide off of the bed, but Peter wrapped his arm around Neal’s waist and tried to pull him closer. “Peter, I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“You’ll hurt me more if you don’t get back over here.” Neal sighed and did as Peter asked, lying down beside him again. “I want you to go back to sleep, lover. You still look exhausted.” Neal nodded silently and Peter slowly ran his fingers through Neal’s hair. “Go to sleep, hon.” He could see a little bit of fear in Neal’s eyes even though they both knew how exhausted he was. “I promise I’ll be right here and more than likely awake the next time you wake up, sweetheart. Just rest.”

Neal pushed himself up enough so he could kiss Peter without hurting Peter’s cheekbone. “I love you and I’m glad you’re safe…”

Peter smiled at his husband’s sleepy face and nodded. “I’m always safe when I’m with you, my sweet angel.” He kept stroking Neal’s hair and repeatedly whispered, “I love you,” to him. Neal rested his head on Peter’s chest again and his hand was over the scar once more. Peter spoke so softly and made Neal feel so loved and comfortable that Neal was able to go back to sleep very quickly.

A little while later, Diana came in. “Oh, good. You’re awake—and he finally isn’t.” Peter gave her a small smile as she came closer. “How’s he doing? Poor guy was practically on death’s doorstep.”

“He’ll be all right once he’s rested. Can I ask for a favor?”

“Anything, boss.”

“Will you take Neal out for lunch? He hasn’t eaten much since we got here and I can only imagine he struggled to eat while I wasn’t with him.” Diana nodded. “He needs to get out of here for a little while—maybe go home to the kids for a bit, too.”

She smiled at the older man and was glad the two men in front of her loved each other as much as they do. “Of course,” she said softly. “The only problem will be convincing him that it’s okay to leave you here.”

Peter sighed quietly and nodded. “He’s amazing and I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life. As much as I love having him around, he’s exhausted and I really didn’t help that when I woke up last night.” She furrowed her brows at him. “I think the medications and painkillers fucked me up—or I did it to myself. I was really horny last night and I kept asking him for sex. He was upset with me.”

“His past is beginning to hurt him again?”

Peter shook his head. “No, it’s not that. He was upset with me because I know I’m going to need time to recover before I can participate. He told me that I’m going to need to wait for clearance before I can have sex with him again and I do understand exactly why he wants that, but my body really wants to be against and inside of his.”

Diana raised an eyebrow. “I’m glad one of you is responsible. Someone is going to have to keep a close eye on you, boss.” Peter rolled his eyes. “Even if Neal were to position himself so you didn’t harm yourself, your orgasm would probably cause you a great deal of pain.”

“You’re probably right…” He glanced at Neal’s left hand that was resting over the scar on his chest. “Rachel hurt him very deeply before he killed her…” Diana took a seat in the chair beside Peter’s hospital bed so she could listen to the older man intently. “Rachel admitted to taking a shot at me once. The scar I have is from that shot.” Diana’s eyes widened. “Because she thought Neal was on her side, she finally revealed that she’d attempted to murder me once. Neal, apparently, got in the way and she missed because of him.” Peter remembered how much emotional pain Neal had been in as he’d lost consciousness and left Neal to take care of him. Neal did take care of him as long as he could prior to getting into the ambulance and then into the hospital. “He remembers the pain and fear he felt because he thought he was going to lose me then. That bitch almost killed me and I don’t know what my death would have done to him.”

“Wow,” was all Diana could whisper. “It’s a good thing Neal killed her. It was probably the most merciful way she could go at this point. Besides, she could have broken out of prison and there’s that chance that she’d take a shot at you—or both of you—again.”

Peter nodded. “I didn’t know he was going to kill her, but I’m glad he did. He’s so much stronger than he ever was before, but he definitely doesn’t need her presence setting him back.” Sighing quietly, Peter whispered, “I just hope no one else decides to harm him. The man who raped him as a teenager and as an adult is dead. The man who raped him as an adult is dead. Now the woman who raped him and watched him be raped is dead.”

Diana gave him a small smile. “You both fought very hard to get to where you are now. As far as I’m concerned, you two don’t have anyone else targeting you. No one’s made death threats directed at you in quite some time.” She grinned and said, “The battle is over.”

Peter stared at his husband’s sleeping form lovingly while stroking Neal’s soft hair and whispered, “This war is finally over.”


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes have a few issues following the events of Peter's rescue.

Five weeks later, Neal shot up in bed as he startled awake with a gasp. He’d been having this recurring nightmare of watching his mother die on the television, shooting Vincent, and shooting Rachel. Everything flashed in front of him. Everything that happened on the television was in his mind, he thought about how he’d instantly killed Vincent, and he thought about what he did to Rachel before he killed her. Something in his mind was distorted as he dreamed at night now. He could see all of that death and then he could see himself. He was face to face with someone who looked exactly like him, but wasn’t him. There was bloodlust in that man’s eyes and it terrified Neal when that man raised a gun, aimed at him, and shot him. The immediate lights out for Neal is what kept frightening him and waking him.

“Daddy?” a small voice whispered beside him. Neal glanced down at his teenage son and realized he’d woken Nicky up, too. “Was it that nightmare you’ve been having?” Neal swallowed and nodded. All he told Nicky was that he was having nightmares because he didn’t want to tell Nicky how vivid and disturbing they were. He hadn’t even mentioned his nightmares to Peter… “Dad, have you talked to poppa about this nightmare?” Neal didn’t respond, so Nicky realized that Neal hadn’t talked to Peter yet. “I think you need to. I know you’re not going to tell me about your nightmare, but you should at least tell poppa. He’ll probably understand.”

Neal cleared his throat. “I don’t want him to worry about me,” he whispered. “Poppa has a lot of surgery he needs to go through and that’s stressful enough. I don’t want to tell him I’m having nightmares.”

Nicky frowned at him. “What do you guys talk about when you’re with him then? You’ve come home in tears the last few times.” And it’d been two nights since Neal had gone back. He didn’t even go while Nicky was at school and Peter’s parents could’ve watched the twins for a little while. He just stayed home.

Rubbing his face, Neal said, “Poppa’s frustrated and in a great deal of pain. I’m letting him take out his frustration on me when I’m there. We aren’t exactly fighting, but he isn’t being very affectionate right now.” Nicky scooted closer to Neal when Neal laid down. He threw his arm over Neal’s midsection and Neal sighed.

“What does he say that makes you cry?”

Neal closed his eyes and said, “It really doesn’t matter. I let him bitch at me so he doesn’t bitch at you guys when you’re around. We’ll be fine soon enough, kiddo.”

There was a brief silence between them and then Nicky whispered, “What does he say to you?”

“You’re just as relentless as he is,” Neal muttered. “He just blames me for his pain. The painkillers he’s doped up on aren’t helping his personality.” Nicky gave his father a look of confusion, wondering why Peter would blame Neal when Neal hadn’t done anything to hurt him. “I don’t know what his problem is. He pisses me off and I try as hard as I can to steel myself against his asinine comments. I don’t cry in front of him because I don’t want him to beat himself up over how much he’s hurt me lately.”

Nicky shifted and rested his head on his father’s chest so he could listen to his heartbeat. “You need to talk to someone. You won’t open up to me about your nightmare or tell me the specifics about what’s going on between you two.”

Neal sighed again. “Nick, don’t worry. Poppa and I are going to be just fine.”

“It’s _you_ that I’m worried about,” Nicky whispered.

•◊•

Peter woke up as soon as he heard Neal come into his hospital room. He meant to text Neal so he could apologize, but his phone was too far away and he couldn’t move very well on his own. The last thing he’d wanted to do was get up and fracture something else—or worsen his current fractures.

He watched Neal move around and toss his jacket onto a chair and he could tell he’d hurt his husband. The way Neal rushed out two nights ago told him right away that he hurt Neal. Neal hadn’t said good night or told Peter he loves him. In fact, he was supposed to spend the night at the hospital that night and he’d gone home. “Hey, sweetheart,” Peter whispered.

Neal glanced at him and said, “Hi.”

“I’m so sorry about the other night, hon. I—”

Neal waved him off and that irritated Peter. “It’s fine. I’m fine. There’s no reason to apologize.” Peter watched his husband clean up the room a bit and knew something was wrong just because he was doing that. Normally, Neal would come in and immediately plop down into the chair at Peter’s bedside. The fact that he was trying to keep his distance didn’t go unnoticed by Peter. “How’re you feeling?”

Peter remained silent until Neal stopped and looked at him. “When you stop lying to me, I’ll feel fine.” Neal frowned. “Neal, I know I was an asshole the other night. I’ve been an asshole every time you’re here and I know you don’t leave happy—and you don’t sleep happily beside me anymore.” Peter reached out with his left hand, hoping Neal would come to him. The fact that Neal didn’t move towards him also spoke volumes to him. “These last couple of weeks have been hard on me, but I think they’ve been harder on you simply because you’re putting up with my shit and trying to take care of the kids when you can.”

“I put up with your shit because I love you,” Neal whispered. “I love being with you and I’ll never regret being with you. I just don’t like all of the shitty comments you’ve made—about me in particular.” Peter nodded, lowering his hand when he realized Neal wasn’t going to come closer. “Nicky told me last night that he’s worried about me. I know you aren’t really aware of what goes on at home nowadays, but Nicky said I should talk to you.”

“That’s very…mature of him.”

Neal nodded. “I love you a lot—let’s start with that.” Peter swallowed hard as he prepared for everything Neal was going to tell him that he already knew. “I love being here because I love seeing you, but you’ve hurt me so much with your words. I go home to the kids in tears because I feel so shitty. You’re lying there, telling me I’m not being the husband I should be, and I don’t know what to do, Peter. I’ve tossed the responsibility for the kids onto your parents because I’m trying to fix whatever I’ve broken between us.” Peter could hear how much this was hurting Neal and he felt terrible for making his husband feel like this. Neal began to blink quickly, which is how Peter knew Neal was going to cry and was trying not to. “I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m not being a good father. I’m not being a good husband. I can’t do anything anyone asks of me right. And… And...” He cracked and quietly yelled, “I don’t know what to do! I can’t please anybody lately and I can only do so much for one person with a shitload of roles and responsibilities!”

Peter’s heart broke as he watched Neal wipe his face off in frustration because some of his tears managed to escape. “I’m so sorry,” Peter whispered. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve said about you being an inadequate father and husband. You know I don’t mean that…”

“Then don’t say it! I take your words seriously, Peter, and they’ve hurt me so much. Yes, I’m a stronger person than I was before, but I still have feelings, Peter Michael. I’m not invincible or emotionless.” Peter nodded and watched Neal go towards the counter near the window. He rested his hands on it and bowed his head as he breathed heavily. “I can still be hurt by your words. When they don’t depress me, they piss me off. I went home two nights ago and threw my wedding ring at the wall because I was so pissed off.” Peter looked heartbroken when Neal admitted that to him. “I sat on the floor against the couch and just bawled until Joey came over to me with the ring. Nicky felt so helpless and I know I didn’t set a very good example at home. I know you weren’t in your right mind, but what you said hurt like hell.”

Knowing Neal would remember exactly what he said and because he didn’t remember what he’d said, he asked, “What did I say to you that night?” Neal waved him off and Peter protested. “Don’t do that. Tell me what I said to you. I hurt you enough to make you take your wedding ring off—and throw it at a wall.” When Neal looked at him, he could see how much pain Neal was in just thinking about whatever it was that he’d said. “Please tell me.”

Neal let out a shaky breath and began to blink quickly again. “I know you didn’t mean it and I know you were drugged beyond belief because of everything going on here.” Peter waited patiently for his husband to just tell him already. “You, word for word, said: ‘You have always been just a hole for me to fuck.’ That was said after you asked me to have sex with you and I said no.” Peter gaped at his husband with wide eyes. “I know you didn’t mean it. At least I _hope_ you didn’t. I don’t know what made you say such a terrible thing, but it made me question our marriage. That made me wonder if I’m just good for sex.”

Peter shook his head and fiercely whispered, “I did _not_ mean that, baby. I’ve never thought of you like that and I don’t know why I said it. I completely understand why you were so pissed at me. You had every right to be hurt and pissed off. Jesus Christ, I probably would’ve told myself to go to hell.”

“I _did_ tell you to go to hell,” Neal whispered. Peter was silent after that. “I went home and threw the ring, cried, and then considered packing the kids up and taking off with them. I don’t know where I’d go, but I didn’t know if I would want to be with you or around you again after that.” He swallowed hard as he continued to blink back his tears. “I came in because I wanted to know if you honestly feel like I’m just a hole for you to fuck. If that’s the case, then I want out. I don’t want to be in a marriage with someone who just wants to fuck me.”

“I love you,” Peter said brokenly. “I don’t know what possessed me to say something so awful to you, but I do not feel that way about you at all. You’re my baby boy, my Neal. I’m so sorry for putting all of these thoughts into your head and I’m so sorry for causing you so much pain.”

Neal finally came closer then and he sat in the chair beside Peter’s hospital bed. “I did something to make you say all of this shit to me. I know I’m a bad father, a bad husband, and I probably am just a hole to fuck, but I didn’t think you’d be the one to say _all_ of that to me. I had to leave because I knew I’d hurt you if I stayed. I wanted to punch you so badly.”

“You can if you want to,” Peter whispered. “I don’t think you’re a bad father or husband, Neal. I think you’re wonderful with the kids and the fact that you came back here after I said all of that proves that you’re a good husband. I’ve been such an asshole and you’re still at my side for some reason.” He reached out and stroked Neal’s jaw gently. “I’m really sorry. Being doped up is absolutely no excuse for saying the things I said. You’re everything to me, Neal. It’s never been just sex between us. Honey, I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s lower lip and knew Neal was absorbing everything he was saying. He could see a little bit of light in Neal’s eyes now. “Being around you is difficult only because you’re attractive to me in every single way. I’m always horny when I’m with you. The very thought of you makes me want you and I struggle with that when you’re actually with me. I love everything about you, honey, so please don’t think all I want from you is sex.”

“What do you want from me then?” Neal asked quietly.

“Just you—your heart, your laugh, your smile, your beautiful eyes, your soft hair… I just want you and your love, Neal. I love having sex with you, but our marriage isn’t about sex. It’s a perk that comes along with having you and your love. I’ve never wanted to force you into having sex with me and you know I can hold off.” Neal nodded slowly. “I would wait a lifetime to make love to you again if you said I couldn’t make love to you again. I waited patiently until you were ready to try after you were raped. If you denied me lovemaking for months on end, I could wait.”

Neal shook his head. “No, you really couldn’t.” Peter raised an eyebrow. “I know you were patient with me after I was raped. I can remember that. You have never told me to lie down so you can have sex with me. You’ve always waited for me to be ready.”

Peter gave his husband a small smile. “Sleeping beside you makes me happy. Holding your hand makes me happy.” He ran his fingers through Neal’s hair and whispered, “You make me happy.”

“Deep down, I know that. I shouldn’t have gone home and thought all of the things I thought…”

“You had every right to doubt me and my love for you, Neal, even though I hate myself for making you doubt me. I didn’t act like myself with you, so I feel terrible for that.” He kept his fingers in Neal’s hair as he stared into the younger man’s beautiful blue eyes. “You’re my husband. You’re my Neal. You’re my angel.” Sliding his hand down a bit, he caressed Neal’s cheek and whispered, “You’re my world, Neal. There’s nothing and no one I could want more than you.”

Neal was silent for a few moments before he stood up and went to close the door. Peter watched him curiously. “We have about an hour before your nurse will come in to check on you…” Neal said, leaving his offer open-ended so Peter could make the decision.

Peter whispered, “You’re sure? I don’t want you to think this is all that matters to me.”

“I know better than that,” Neal said. “I was acting irrational and emotional, but I know you. I know my husband.” Peter smiled as he watched his husband give him a little show while stripping. Neal could already see how the blanket was tenting and he thought that was great. After he was undressed, he shifted Peter’s blanket and the clothing Peter had on without jostling Peter around. He did his best to avoid Peter’s knee and reminded himself repeatedly not to rest his hand over Neal’s ribs as he leaned forward and took his husband’s length in his mouth.

The older man watched his husband suck on him and he wanted Neal to get up onto the bed so they could make love. It’d been a little over two months since the last time they had sex and it’s been five weeks since Peter was brought into the hospital. He was here because of his surgeries, but he missed his sexual relationship with Neal. “Baby, I want you…” He ran his fingers through Neal’s hair and watched Neal slowly suck on him while looking right into his eyes.

Neal didn’t know if he should get up on the bed with Peter and actually attempt to make love with him. Peter was conscious, aware, and in his right mind as far as he was concerned, so he believed Peter could make that decision himself. He would never take advantage of Peter, especially in a hospital setting. “Do you want…actual sex? I can just give you a blowjob.”

“You stripped for me and I’d like to make love to you.” He thought about that for a few moments and said. “Shit. This is going to be difficult.” Neal gave him a sympathetic smile. “As much as I want you, I’m actually pretty sure I can’t move well enough just yet to make love to you.” He glanced at the chair and apologetically said, “Unless you want me to give you a handjob or blowjob, maybe you should put your clothes back on.”

Neal nodded and did as Peter asked as Peter pulled his blanket up a bit. “It’s okay. We can save the real reunion for later, lover.” Peter gave his husband an appreciative smile. “I don’t think it’s a good idea right now either. With your ribs still healing, it’d probably be best for me to not bounce on top of you.”

That gave Peter a quick thought. “Get up here for a second. We aren’t going to do anything, but position yourself as though you were.” Neal furrowed his brows but he carefully did that. He straddled Peter’s waist and was careful to keep himself above Peter’s ribs and knee as well as keep his hand away from Peter’s shoulder. Peter gripped Neal’s hip and slowly pulled him a little closer. “Okay. Yeah,” Peter said when he realized Neal would be putting a bit of pressure on his ribs if he were to actually go through with this. “We definitely need to wait.”

“I completely understand,” Neal assured him.

As Neal shifted to get off of the bed, Peter held him in place. “That doesn’t mean you should get down though,” he said, attempting to sound sexy.

Neal grinned at him because he thought Peter’s attempts at flirting with him like this were adorable. He wouldn’t say that, of course, because he doesn’t want Peter to stop doing it, but Peter wasn’t very good at the flirty thing. He’s very straightforward. “I’m always up,” Neal whispered seductively. Peter moaned beneath him because Neal just had that voice that could send sensations of pleasure through anyone whether they were attracted to him or not. “I have a very handsome husband. Even when he’s a cranky asshole, he’s still handsome.”

Peter chuckled and nodded. “I love you, Neal. I’m really sorry for basically throwing all of your efforts and struggles back in your face.” He rested his left hand on Neal’s shoulder since he couldn’t move his right hand just yet. “You’ve lost sleep over me—worrying about me. I appreciate everything you’ve done. From taking care of the kids to coming in here to holding me up so you can shower me or help me go to the bathroom, I _am_ grateful, honey.”

“I know, love,” Neal whispered. He’d doubted that a lot lately, but he knows Peter is appreciative. When he wasn’t being an asshole, cranky, or being a cranky asshole, he was very loving and sweet—like he always was.“You know I love being here to help you no matter what. I mean, no one else is allowed to touch your naked body but me…” He pretended to be a little jealous because he wanted Peter to laugh—and he grinned when he got the desired reaction. “I’ve been with you for years. I’ve seen you in pretty much every state you could possibly be in—and you’ve seen me in every possible way, too. There’s really nothing you could do that would make me not want to help you.” Chuckling a little, he said, “I know you aren’t embarrassed to be yourself around me. You don’t give a damn about pissing when we’re in the shower as long as you don’t hit me with your stream.”

“I’m careful,” Peter said defensively. “I could come all over you and enjoy that, but I don’t want to do anything other than come and sweat all over you. I tell you to move before I do anything anyway.”

Rolling his eyes, Neal said, “The point is that you’re yourself with me. If we weren’t in the shower together, you’d still do the same things.” Peter nodded because he knew that was true. He wasn’t going to deny it and being in a hospital didn’t change his ways either. “I really don’t mind holding you up if you need to relieve yourself and you know how much I enjoy washing your body. You’re my husband and we’re both men.”

“We are literally a team,” Peter teased, “since you started holding _me_ while I go to the bathroom.” Neal rolled his eyes again. “Well, with one arm in a sling and the other wrapped around you so I can stand makes it difficult for me, so I do appreciate the _lengths_ you’ll go to in order to help me, sweetheart.”

Neal snickered a bit. “I would do anything and everything for you, Peter Michael.” He leaned down a little and kissed his husband gently. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.”

•◊•

Neal stood behind Peter in the shower, holding him up with one arm while washing him with his free hand. Peter watched his husband lovingly, appreciating that Neal really didn’t care. Well, Neal _cares._ He just doesn’t care about what he does as long as he’s helping Peter. “Hand on the wall for a minute. Washing your lower half now. Will you be okay?”

“Yes, honey.” Peter reached out and did as he usually did when Neal showered him. He was supposed to be careful with his knee and ribs, so Neal did what he could to make things easier. With all of the injuries Peter received, Peter couldn’t do some things on his own. Instead, he watched Neal get down on his knees in front of him to wash him off. Staying in bed wasn’t good for him, so Neal was going to take him for a bit of a walk—with the brand new cane he was given. His arm, fingers, and cheekbone fracture weren’t really preventing him from doing anything, but his knee and ribs hurt like hell.

While Neal was on his knees, he kissed Peter’s skin once the water washed away the soap. Peter smiled down at him because he was so grateful for Neal’s patience with him. He knew he’d been treating Neal like shit lately and he was going to work on treating Neal better. Neal did what he could to rescue him, he’d killed Rachel, he drove Peter to the hospital, and now he was Peter’s primary caretaker. As Neal reached Peter’s knee, he frowned. “I wish I’d worked faster. I should’ve found things faster so I could have rescued you sooner.”

Peter sighed. “Hon, I’m alive and with you like you told me before. I’ll heal because I didn’t die.” 

Neal was quiet for a few moments before whispering, “Can I talk to you about something?” He looked up at Peter and Peter’s cock decided to stand proudly erect at the sight of Neal on his knees and peering up at him.

“If you get up, absolutely.” Neal smiled a bit, kissing the head of Peter’s cock before he stood up and took the majority of Peter’s weight on himself again. “What’s up, hon?”

“Nicky suggested that I talk to you and I’ve been afraid to, but it’s probably best if I do.” Peter’s brows furrowed. “He’s been sleeping in our bed with me so I’m not alone, but I keep waking him up…because I’m having nightmares.” Peter looked sympathetic. “After killing Rachel, I wondered if that were the right thing to do. There was absolutely no self-defense involved because she didn’t pull her gun on me. Granted, she was holding a gun to your head when I arrived, but she never pointed a gun at me. I disarmed her after shooting her.” Neal closed his eyes and whispered, “I keep dreaming about my mother being shot. I keep dreaming about when I killed Vincent. I see Rachel before and after I shot her.”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Peter whispered as he kept his eyes on his husband’s face. “Is there anything I can do?”

Neal shook his head. “I don’t know. Everything’s so vivid.” He rubbed his left hand over the scar on Peter’s chest and whispered, “Was killing her the right thing to do?”

Peter took a few moments to consider that. From an FBI agent’s perspective, Neal probably shouldn’t have shot her and they could’ve brought her in for questioning. From the perspective of a captive, hell yes Neal should have shot her. From a husband’s perspective, he could understand why Neal did it because he’d watched his husband suffer as a result of his memory being stripped from him. Their relationship struggled in the beginning and it was still struggling now, but Peter blamed Rachel because she’s the one who damaged his husband’s brain.

“I don’t know, baby,” Peter admitted. “I’m too close to this to say whether it was right or not. I mean, I’m not going to lose sleep over her death, but… I just don’t know, hon.” Neal nodded and Peter could see Neal’s continued exhaustion as he looked at his husband’s face. “Christ. These nightmares are awful. I wasn’t really looking at you earlier, I guess. You look so tired and worn out.”

“I’m physically, emotionally, and mentally worn out, but I’m still trying to be the best I can be for everyone.”

Peter kept staring at his husband’s face until Neal opened his eyes and looked at him. “As soon as I’m healed, I’m going to spoil the hell out of you and treat you to a variety of things.” Neal shook his head and Peter made a playful gasping sound. “You don’t want to be pampered by me? Baby boy, the things I will do for you will be incredible.” There was a spark of excitement in Neal’s eyes for a moment and Peter took that opportunity to continue speaking. “I will cook dinner, take you out to eat, make love to you in any and every way that you would like, and that’s only a few things.”

Neal smiled lovingly at his husband before moving a bit to turn the water in the shower off. “All I really want is for you to come home. If you do that, that’s enough of a repayment as I need.” Peter shook his head and opened his mouth to protest, but Neal spoke first. “Peter Michael, I just want you. I don’t need fancy dinners or for you to kill yourself working on dinners. I’m all for the making love part though. However, I just want you to be home with me again. I want to be in our bed—our big bed—and be able to curl up against you without causing you an immense amount of pain.”

Sighing, Peter said, “God only knows how long it’ll be before I can leave. I’ve been here for weeks and I’ve had so much shit done to my body. It makes me wonder if the pain is ever going to go away.” Neal frowned, wishing he could make Peter feel better. “Seeing you brings me a great deal of happiness though and I’m able to dull the pain when I see your beautiful self.”

The younger man took his husband over to the clothes he’d laid out for him and had him lean against the wall for a moment so he could grab a towel. He came back very quickly and dried his husband’s body before wrapping the towel around his waist. Grabbing Peter’s clothes, Neal guided Peter into them and tried to do so without causing him too much pain. As soon as Peter was dried and dressed, Neal said, “All right. Let’s get you on the bed so I can get dressed and then we can go for a little walk.”

Peter made Neal stop and Neal looked at him concernedly. “I want to watch you get dressed.” Neal raised an eyebrow and smirked at his husband amusedly. He nodded and slowly went about drying his body off and dressing himself, wiggling his hips a little after turning around so Peter could watch his ass. “Jesus,” Peter whispered. His throat dried before Neal pulled his jeans over his hips and zipped himself up. “I’m so grateful to have such a beautiful, beautiful man in my life.”

“As long as you’re done being an ass, mine is all yours.”

Peter let out a small, animalistic sound that turned Neal on. “You’ve always been all mine.” Neal smirked and moved to grab Peter’s cane. “Oh, God damn it. I don’t want to walk around with that.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “We discussed this. Doctor’s orders, my love.” Peter grumbled something under his breath before holding his hand out. Neal grinned and gave him the cane, helping Peter straighten up a bit. “Doctor Lindley wants you to start putting a little weight on your leg, but not too much.” He slid his arm around Peter’s waist and reassured him, “I’ll be right at your side no matter what. If the pain is too much for you, you know I’ll catch you. I won’t let you fall.”

Peter kissed his husband because he knew Neal wasn’t expecting a kiss just then. “I know, baby boy.” Smiling at his husband, he whispered, “I hope you know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Neal’s smile was brilliant and Peter could see the light in Neal’s eyes. After a moment, Neal was amused. “Okay, big guy. No more procrastinating. You and I are going for that walk now.”

“Damn it…” Peter sighed.

“Come on, lover.” Neal walked alongside Peter on his left so he could catch him if his knee suddenly gave out. “Just a lap or two around the floor and then you can get your lazy ass back into bed.” Peter groaned and all Neal could do was smile. Peter always told him that he acted like a child—in an endearing, adorable way—and Neal wondered if Peter knew he was acting like a child himself at times. Nonetheless, he loves his husband. Despite the bouts of tension, they weren’t going to separate because they’re in this for the long run—for better or worse.


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter are still struggling to make things better, but things will begin to work out.

Four months had gone by since Peter was kidnapped. His recovery took longer than they’d imagined it would, but things went well. Peter’s cheekbone and ribs were doing much better, his fingers had healed, and his arm was back in its proper place. The only issue that remained was Peter’s knee. He was walking better, but it still caused him a great deal of pain. It didn’t really help that Peter’s occasional rib pain kept him from letting the kids bounce on him, but his inability to run around with them frustrated him. They’d celebrated Nicky’s sixteenth birthday in the hospital, but they’d celebrated it together at home the day Peter came home, too.

In addition to Nicky’s sixteenth birthday, the twins turned two, and Neal turned thirty-nine. Neal didn’t particularly care for his own birthday, but he’d made the kids’ birthdays good and he’d taken them to the hospital to see their poppa. Neal spent the morning and part of the afternoon with the kids on his birthday, but he’d promised Peter that he’d spend the night in the hospital with him. Peter hated that he was missing important experiences. Nicky’s sixteenth birthday was something he and Neal discussed once and they’d had plans to make it a wonderful sweet sixteen for Nicky, but Peter was still in the hospital on their son’s birthday.

Neal told Nicky about their plans because Peter was extremely depressed and told him to go with the kids. They’d planned on taking Nicky—and the twins, of course—down to Disneyworld for the weekend and Nicky absolutely loved the idea until he realized that that meant Peter would stay behind in the hospital alone for the entire weekend. Needless to say, they hadn’t gone because Nicky wanted his poppa to be there with all of them. Neal was grateful for that because he was hoping Nicky would say that, but he’d let Nicky make the decision.

They made plans to, as a family _with Peter,_ to go during the summer because Peter should be able to go without being in agony. As they neared the days they’d planned to go, Peter became irritable with himself and the pain he still felt. He didn’t like that Neal suggested pushing their vacation back a little more and he didn’t like that Neal was going out of his way to help him. Even though he knows Neal loves him, he couldn’t stand feeling like Neal was treating him like a child, babying him for being unable to do some things. Once again, he’d said things he didn’t mean and hurt his husband.

Neal had to get out of the house for a little while because he couldn’t stand Peter’s comments, so he took the twins and left for a little while. Nicky begged to stay home with Peter, so Neal didn’t force him to leave. He made Nicky promise to call him if something happened before leaving with the little ones.

“Dad hates me, doesn’t he?” Peter asked quietly as he glanced at his son. Nicky shook his head. “I know I upset him—and you. What did he say to you upstairs?”

“A lot of things he wouldn’t want me to repeat.”

Peter frowned. “I won’t tell him you told me…”

Nicky sighed quietly. “Well, he called you an asshole for starters. That was all he said in front of me, but he went into your bedroom and I heard him say a few other things. Essentially, he was saying you could go fuck yourself for all he cares.” Peter shut his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “He loves you, poppa. You know he does.”

“I do know that, but I don’t understand why I’ve been so cruel to him. He’s been at my side through everything and he’s taken everything I’ve said to him without breaking in front of me. I know I’m hurting him. I know I’m making him cry. I heard him in our bathroom last night.” Nicky frowned because he’d heard Neal, too. He didn’t know what was said to Neal, but it hurt Neal enough to make him lock himself in the bathroom to cry. “I’ve been so terrible to him and he doesn’t deserve this…”

The teenager smiled sadly at his poppa. “Well, grandma and grandpa left for a little vacation. The twins and I could go to Aunt El and Aunt Di’s house for a little while—or you could ask Uncle Mozzie to babysit us.” Peter gave his son a curious look, wondering where he was going with this. “You and dad could go out for a little bit or stay here. You two need time together. He needs to be with you without the twins stressing him out and you need to show him that you still love him.” Peter nodded and he really appreciated that the teenager loves him enough to give him advice like this. “I’m not entirely sure if either of you would be willing to have sex—or in your case, able to… Maybe you guys could relieve some stress and physically express your love for each other so you don’t unintentionally hurt him with your words.”

Peter leaned over and kissed Nicky’s hair. “I love you, Nick. I really do.” Nicky grinned at him and Peter fell even more in love with his son. “I don’t know how I got so lucky. I’ve heard terrible things from people who are stepparents or have stepparents, but you’ve shown me just how wonderful our situation is.” Nicky leaned against his poppa and kept smiling as he listened to the older man. “I’ll never tell you that you’re my stepson because—”

“You’re my poppa,” Nicky whispered. “I can’t remember what it’s like to only have dad. You make him so happy and I love you, poppa.” Peter was tearing up a little as he listened to his son. “Nobody ever made him as happy as you make him. Yes, things are difficult sometimes, but you don’t give up on each other. I can remember terrible things he went through with guys he only spent the night with and I’ve told you about some of them.” Peter nodded and closed his eyes as a few tears managed to escape his eyes. “I heard someone abuse him when they were having sex with him. I actually saw it, too.” That hurt Peter’s heart. Just thinking about someone treating Neal that way during an intimate moment was painful. “He had a split lip and bruises when I saw him the next morning. He told me he clumsily hurt himself during the night, but I knew what happened.” Taking Peter’s hand in his own, Nicky whispered, “You’ve never done that to him. You respect him and love him. Before you, he never had that.”

“I love your dad with all of my heart,” Peter whispered thickly. “I don’t know what I would do if he left me forever. Being without him right now is killing me and I just want to call him and beg him to come home…” Nicky sat up and realized his poppa was crying. “I hate all of the things I’ve said to him. He’s been so wonderful and I’ve treated him like shit. I can’t imagine how awful I’ve made him feel. I mean, he felt like he needed to get away from me and he was going to take all of you with him. I want to show him how much I love him and actually show him some gratitude for everything he’s done since all of this hell began. The only good thing I’ve done for him is keep his nightmares away by sleeping beside him.”

Nicky whispered, “Call him and beg him to come home.”

Peter shook his head. “If he doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t want to be here. I can’t force him to come home. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. He’s been through enough and he doesn’t need me adding to that.” He broke down a little and Nicky hugged him. “I feel like I’m going to lose him. Everything I’ve said to him pushes him away from me and I’m so afraid that I’m going to push him so far beyond his limits and force him into thinking I don’t want him.” Nicky listened to his poppa cry and wished he could help somehow. Peter had to fix this on his own though. “I love him. I love him so much. If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t be anywhere near as happy as I have been since falling in love with him. You know you and the twins mean so much to me. Your father is everything to me because I wouldn’t have the three of you if I didn’t have him. He’s given me everything. He’s given me true happiness, he’s given me love I probably don’t deserve, and he’s given me three beautiful children.” Peter breathed shakily as he wiped his own tears away. “I would have nothing if I’d never met him or if he never fell in love with me.”

“Call him, beg him to come home, and tell him everything you just told me,” Nicky said softly. “He’s the one who needs to hear all of that, poppa. He wants to hear all of that from you.” Peter nodded and Nicky smiled a little. “Dad isn’t going to walk away from you. He loves you too much. He just needs to know you appreciate him and want him around.” Peter began to pull his phone out of his pocket and Nicky added, “I’ll go upstairs and give you some privacy. When he comes home and once things are okay between you two, figure out what you can do that’ll make him feel loved and appreciated.” Peter gave his son a grateful smile and Nicky winked, whispering, “Good luck,” before he went up to his room.

As soon as Nicky was out of sight, Peter called his husband. It rang longer than it should’ve and he wondered if Neal were ignoring him. As he was about to hang up, he heard Neal answer. “ _What do you want to say to me now?_ ” he asked miserably.

Peter knew Neal had been crying before he’d answered the phone. “Honey, can you come home?”

“ _I really don’t want to._ ” Peter swallowed hard because he knew he deserved that. “ _If you’re going to tell me I’m failing at pretty much everything or that I’m a pathetic excuse for a husband, please just hang up on me right now._ ”

“I know I’ve hurt you,” Peter whispered. “Neal, I’m really sorry. Despite the things I’ve said to you, I love you very much. You deserve better than this and—”

“ _If you know I deserve better, why do you insist on making me feel like shit?_ ” Neal asked angrily. “ _You got pissed at me last night for offering to help you out of your clothes because your knee was killing you. You got pissed at me this morning for bringing you breakfast in bed. I can’t fucking win with you and it’s killing me, Peter. It’s killing me to know that nothing I do for you is good enough._ ”

Peter wanted to be strong about this and talk to his husband like an adult, but the pain and anger he heard in Neal’s voice broke through his walls. He sobbed into the phone for a moment, whispering, “I’m so sorry, Neal. I’m so sorry,” before hanging up. He tossed his phone aside and forced himself to cry silently. He felt like he didn’t have the right to cry since he was the one who hurt Neal. He laid on his side and remained silent as he internally cursed himself repeatedly.

Not even ten minutes later, he heard a car door slam outside. Pushing himself up slowly, he watched Nicky come downstairs and open the door. In a matter of moments, the twins were in Nicky’s arms and Nicky was heading upstairs. Neal came in after locking the car and shut their door, locking it as well. He looked at his husband apologetically and whispered, “I didn’t want to make you cry.”

“I made myself cry,” Peter admitted. “I’ve been terrible. If anyone’s a failure, it’s me.” Neal shook his head and Peter said, “Don’t deny it. What kind of man verbally abuses his husband?”

Sighing, Neal said, “A cranky, irritable bastard who can’t accept his own weakness.” Peter remained silent as he nodded. “What you’ve said hurts, but you’re not abusing me. Believe me when I say I’d know the difference.”

“That doesn’t make it right.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Neal said quietly. “I wish you could see that I’m just trying to help. I’m not trying to belittle you or make it seem like you can’t do things without my assistance.” He moved to take a seat beside his husband and whispered, “I love you, Peter. When I do nice things for you, it’s because I want to. I don’t feel obligated to do things. I brought you breakfast in bed because I was hoping we could relax, eat together, and maybe try to make love afterwards. We couldn’t even do the first part of that.”

Peter nodded and stared into his husband’s eyes. He could see the pain there and wished he could take Neal’s pain away. “I’m so sorry for treating you so terribly. You did everything you could to save me, you were there for me when I was hospitalized, you have taken care of the kids, you brought me home, and you’ve been trying to make things easier for me around here. I am the most ungrateful son of a bitch in the entire world. You did so much and you’re continuing to do so much for me. I owe you the world for how much—”

“You owe me _nothing,_ ” Neal whispered fiercely. “You are my husband and I love you with all of my heart. I want you to be happy and I want you to heal. I’m doing everything I can because I want you to be comfortable and happy.” Peter leaned against Neal and Neal slid his arm around Peter, rubbing Peter’s arm. “You’ve really pissed me off, but I love you. I don’t want to walk away from this no matter how shitty you treat me. I understand that you’re frustrated with your inability to do certain things and I know you don’t like being babied.”

Peter frowned even as Neal took his hand and intertwined their fingers. “I’m honestly surprised that you’ve stayed with me,” he whispered. “I wouldn’t blame you if you left with the kids—or kicked me out. I’d deserve it.”

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s and whispered, “Stop that right now.” He squeezed Peter’s hand before lifting it, kissing his wedding ring. “You’re my soulmate. There’s no one else for me.” Peter turned his head a little and Neal immediately kissed him sweetly. Peter appreciated that very much. “You aren’t going to lose me. I love you too much to just walk out. I left for a little while because I needed some time to myself.”

“You mean that?”

“Of course I do, you big idiot,” Neal answered. “No matter how much you piss me off, I don’t want to leave you. Even when the idea of divorce came up, I never wanted to go through with it. You mean too much to me. Letting go of you would undoubtedly kill me...”

•◊•

“Are… Are you sure this is a good idea?” Neal panted as he straddled his husband.

“Yes,” Peter said instantly. “If anything hurts, I’ll let you know.”

Neal gave him a look and said, “You damn well better, Peter Burke. Don’t bend your knee too much. I’ll bounce slower if your ribs hurt—or we’ll stop. Either way.” Peter nodded up at his husband even though he had no intention of telling Neal if he were in pain or not. He’s caused Neal a great deal of pain, so he wanted Neal to return the favor. Neal wasn’t aware of that, but Peter managed to convince Neal that making love would be just fine.

Peter lifted his left hand and rubbed his ring over Neal’s cheekbone. Tentatively, Neal leaned forward and kissed Peter. At the same time, he shifted himself to connect their bodies for the first time in several months. As soon as their bodies were connected, they moaned together. “Oh, God…” Peter whispered. “Now I feel complete.” Neal chuckled above him, resting his hands on either side of Peter’s head as he stared down at his husband’s face. They’d both missed this part of their relationship. Even though they weren’t in this for the sex, it was still something they enjoyed sharing with each other.

Slowly, Neal began to bounce. He was trying to get himself into a decent rhythm that wouldn’t end up hurting Peter. Under normal circumstances, he would’ve been bouncing atop his husband to his heart’s content. “I needed you,” Neal whispered breathlessly. Peter gripped his hips and that made Neal feel even better. “I’ve missed you so much… I’ve missed having you inside of me…” The older man encouraged his husband by attempting to make him bounce faster. Neal noticed that Peter wanted him to move faster, but he was too nervous about that. He didn’t want to hurt Peter and he didn’t let Peter dictate the pace he chose to move at. “Hands off if you’re going to continue doing this,” he said firmly. Peter’s eyes widened a little. “You want me to hurt you?”

Neal stopped moving and that frustrated Peter. “Maybe I deserve it.”

Neal shook his head and said, “Hell no.” He shifted off of Peter and Peter made a disappointed sound as Neal rolled off of their bed. “If you’re trying to make me hurt you because you’ve hurt me, this is done until you’re completely healed.” Peter was quiet and Neal shook his head again. “I can’t believe you wanted to have sex with me just so you could use me to punish yourself.”

“You know I wouldn’t use you like that,” Peter whispered. He did want Neal to hurt him, but he wanted to make love with Neal because they hadn’t been able to when his injuries had been worse. “Will you please come back to me?” Neal glared at him. “I know you’re not interested in hurting me, but can you not baby my body? Make love with me the way we always have.” Neal kept glaring at him. He really didn’t like that Peter was encouraging him to hurt him.

Much to Peter’s surprise, Neal quickly came back to the bed, straddled him and put his weight on Peter’s ribs. He watched Peter’s face and Peter was having a hard time containing the immense pain he felt. “You like that?” Peter shook his head. Neal stopped putting pressure on him then and said, “Neither do I, so don’t ask me to hurt you.”

Peter stared up at him and he knew Neal hadn’t hurt him because he wanted to. Neal was making a point that Peter saw very clearly. “I deserve to be hurt. I’ve made you cry so much, Neal. I can’t imagine how much pain I’ve caused you.”

“I could grab your knee and give you the general idea,” Neal whispered icily. Peter swallowed hard. “My heart hurts right now, Peter, because you’re trying to make me hurt you when I’m trying to make love with you. Of all the stupid things you could make me do, you chose this—at this particular time.”

“Can… Can you give me a second chance?” Neal didn’t answer. He just stared at his husband in silence. “I won’t make you hurt me. I do want to make love to you, baby boy. I want to be with you this way.”

Neal let out a frustrated sigh. “I swear to God you’ll be cut off if you do it again.” Peter’s eyes widened and Neal realized Peter took that another way. “Bitch, if I wanted you castrated, it would’ve happened a long time ago.” Peter let out a quiet sigh of relief. “We won’t have sex until you’re healed if you use my body for your own punishment again.”

Peter whispered, “I’m fairly certain not making love with you is worse than castration…” Neal rolled his eyes. Peter lifted his hand and tangled his fingers in Neal’s hair. “I promise I won’t do it again.” After Neal stared into Peter’s eyes for several long moments, he nodded.

“You can hold my hips. Just don’t try to force me down harder.” Peter nodded silently in response, understanding his husband’s request. Neal reconnected their bodies and they both made quiet sounds again. Planting his hands in the pillows beside Peter’s head, Neal breathed slowly and stared at his husband. “No matter how good this feels, I’m ending it as soon as you do something to intentionally hurt yourself.”

“I understand, baby.”

Slowly, Neal gave in and began to bounce atop his husband. Peter held Neal’s hips and breathed in synchronization with the younger man. It wasn’t something either of them thought about. They were just so attuned to each other that it had become natural.

Half an hour later, Peter was pleading with Neal, asking him if he could move a little faster. Neal hesitantly complied, but he was doing his best to avoid hurting Peter. He’d readjusted once already since Peter told him his ribs were aching. Things were better now and Peter even pulled him close, hugging him as they made love. “Oh,” Neal gasped when Peter managed to grab his hips to stop his movements and thrust up into him. He shuddered against Peter, hoping to God that Peter wasn’t hurting himself while doing this. “Oh, God…” he moaned. “Oh, Peter…” Peter was making love to him powerfully and he didn’t think he had it in him to stop Peter.

Peter was carefully moving himself so he could make love to his husband rather than let Neal do all of the work. His arms were around Neal, holding him as close as they could manage, and he was doing what he could while letting his injured knee remain on their bed. He didn’t want to put weight on it even if it made making love to Neal easier. Being with Neal felt so good and he was tempted to just bend his knee so he could love Neal harder.

As Neal began to tremble on top of him, Peter realized Neal was going to orgasm. “Come for me, beautiful,” he whispered in Neal’s ear, subsequently licking the sensitive area behind Neal’s ear. He gently nibbled on Neal’s sensitive skin and was pleased when Neal cried out his name and came between them. Peter pressed their bodies closely together and made sure Neal’s orgasm was complete before he rubbed their bodies together to share the feeling of Neal’s warm, sticky come. “I want to make you come again,” he said seductively. For Peter, it actually sounded very seductive. “I want you to orgasm until you can’t orgasm anymore.”

“I think I’ll have a heart attack if you do that,” Neal whispered breathlessly. Neal was grinning even as Peter continued making love to him. He didn’t feel compelled to stop Peter because he did want this. He wants to be with Peter as long as Peter can manage. “Oh, Peter…” he moaned when Peter tormented him using that sensitive area near his ear. Much to Neal’s surprise, Peter flipped them. He panicked because of Peter’s knee, but he calmed down when Peter grabbed a pillow Neal wasn’t using and rested it beneath his knee.

“Not gonna let some damn injury hinder my ability to make love to you,” Peter growled in Neal’s ear before nibbling on Neal’s earlobe gently. Neal gasped quietly beneath his husband. His arms were around Peter’s neck for quite some time before he was wrapping his arms around Peter’s torso, digging his fingernails into Peter’s back. Peter’s left arm was curled beneath Neal’s body and his right hand was holding Neal’s left.

By the time Neal came for the second time, Peter was damn near close to releasing. He was determined to keep going though because he wanted Neal to orgasm one more time. “Peter,” Neal moaned repeatedly. Each time Neal said his name, it sounded like a prayer. Peter was getting a little rough, but Neal wasn’t going to complain. He wanted this even though he was concerned about Peter’s injuries.

As soon as Neal came for the third time, Neal nearly screamed his husband’s name. Peter also came with him simultaneously, ending their lovemaking for a little while. He hovered above Neal until he’d given Neal every drop he had to offer and then he pulled out and gasped, crashing down onto the bed beside his husband. “Christ,” Peter whispered painfully.

Neal was sitting up and leaning over him concernedly. “What’s wrong? What hurts?” Peter was holding his ribs and Neal frowned. “God damn it, Peter. I told you—”

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Peter assured him. “Just an unfortunate ending to making love to you passionately.” He moved his left hand away from his ribs and reached up to stroke Neal’s jaw. “I’ll be fine. It just hurts a little. It was worth it to watch you orgasm more than once.”

Neal smiled sadly at his husband and shook his head. “I don’t know how I’m moving right now,” he admitted. “My body feels like it could use a year’s worth of a nap.” Peter chuckled briefly and Neal laid down beside his husband. “I’m sorry that you hurt yourself…”

Peter waited for Neal to look up at him before whispering, “I’m not. I made love to you again. You’re worth the pain.” Both men moved closer for a kiss at the same time and that thrilled them both. “It’ll take time before I’m completely healed. I wanted to love the hell out of you after everything I’ve said to you lately, so I ended up hurting myself… I have a question that is more important to me though. How’re _you_ feeling, baby?”

“Better,” Neal said softly. “Mission accomplished, Special Agent Burke.” Peter grinned at him and Neal laughed a little. He shifted to hug Peter carefully and whispered, “Thank you—not for the sex, but for wanting to show me that you do love me.”

Peter’s arms wound around his husband and he held him as close as he could without hurting himself further. “I’ll always love you. I shouldn’t have to go out of my way to prove that to you, but I had to. After all of the terrible things I’ve said, you need to know how much I love you, Neal.”

Neal nodded silently and thought about some things before whispering, “I don’t doubt your love. If I did, I wouldn’t stay here. I know you love me and that things aren’t very easy for you right now. We’re just going to have to make the best of our current situation…”

“That—and I need to stop being such an asshole. You were right when you said I can’t accept my own weakness. I need to work on that so I don’t lash out at you when you’re trying to be the beautiful husband that you are all the time.” He slid one hand up and down Neal’s sweaty back and whispered, “Even when you’re all sweaty and disheveled, you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. You’re absolutely gorgeous—physically and internally.” Neal blushed and Peter kissed his forehead. “You’re the best husband I could ever ask for, Neal. You put up with all of my moodiness, you made a family with me, and you haven’t once left with the intention of leaving for good…”

“You’re also going to have to accept the fact that I don’t want to be anywhere but here,” Neal said softly. “No matter how shitty things get, I want to be here with you. You and I have been through so much and I believe the good outweighs the bad.” Closing his eyes and nuzzling his face against Peter’s, he whispered, “There’s been so much good in our lives since we got together. I don’t regret a moment I’ve spent with you, love. At the end of the day, when I crawl into bed with you, I know this is where I want to be.”

Peter didn’t know how to respond to that because he thought it was amazing that Neal wanted to be with him after he’d treated Neal so terribly. It wasn’t a constant thing, but the little, sweet things Neal did for him tended to set him off for no reason at all. Finally, he whispered, “I’m going to do my best to make this life worth it. I’m going to do everything I can to make our relationship, our marriage…better.”

“Just tell me you love me and mean it,” Neal said quietly. “That’s all I want from you.”

Chuckling, Peter said, “That’s the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’ve never once said those three words to you without meaning it. I always mean it because you’ve given me so much. You’ve given me things I would never have if we hadn’t gotten together almost seven years ago.” He kissed Neal’s hair and whispered, “I love you, angel. I’ll love you forever.”

•◊•

When Nicky went downstairs the following morning, he grinned upon seeing his father wearing Peter’s shirt and _appropriate_ underwear while making breakfast. He’d heard them the previous night. Dear God did he hear them… “Good morning, daddy,” he said excitedly.

“Good morning.” Neal turned and smirked at him. “Poppa eventually told me that you helped him fix things. I appreciate it, Nicky, more than you know.” Nicky moved closer to Neal and hugged him tightly. “I can’t guarantee that things will be perfect from here on out, but things will be okay in the end. Poppa and I still love each other very much and I can’t imagine living without him.”

“After the way you two spent last night, I really hoped things would be better this morning.” Neal rolled his eyes. He knew he’d been a little loud, but he’d also been hoping Nicky was asleep. “I know you guys hate when I eavesdrop on you, but I could hear you from my bedroom. It was nice to hear you both saying each other’s names so lovingly though. You and poppa needed last night.”

“I’m not going to disagree with that,” Neal said. “I don’t like when sex fixes our problems, but we did need it last night. Poppa’s a very passionate man. I know you see that side of him from time to time along with his asshole side, but he’s very loving behind the scenes. When he and I are alone, things get better. We talk, we kiss, we… You know what happens since you can hear it from your room, apparently.” Nicky giggled. “Last night was worth it. We reconnected with each other because we’ve been so distant since he was hospitalized. All of his injuries and surgeries frustrated him and I understand that. He and I just needed time before we felt comfortable enough with ourselves and with each other to bare our souls to each other again.”

“Literally,” Nicky teased him.

Neal nudged his son as he shook his head. “You get to hear us have sex, but you don’t hear us talking for hours on end. We stayed up very late last night and talked about a lot of things. That’s the side of poppa that you don’t get to see very often.”

Nicky nodded. “Because that’s his husband side. I’m his son, so I don’t get to see him be your husband the way you get to see him.” Neal smiled a little at his son. “I’m glad things are better, dad. It really sucked when you guys couldn’t be around each other.”

“I know, Nick. We could be around each other,” Neal insisted. “It just hurt me to be around him when he was cranky. Poppa doesn’t like feeling as though he should rely on someone to tend to his every need. He likes being independent and I understand him. After last night, I made him see things from my perspective.”

“And he understood you?”

Neal nodded. “He did. He apologized a lot, we kissed a lot, and everything was perfect by the time we fell asleep together.”

Peter heard everything his husband said and he was very happy to know his husband did feel better. Neal told him that repeatedly, but hearing Neal tell their son the same thing helped. He wanted to make sure things didn’t get worse because he didn’t want to push Neal beyond his breaking point. He was hellbent on doing what he could to strengthen their relationship since he’s torn it down repeatedly and he was going to make his husband happy whenever he could.

As soon as he was completely healed, he had something in mind that would benefit the five of them. He couldn’t wait for his knee and ribs to get over their need to cause him pain. He was going to make things better for their entire family as soon as he could…


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter spend quality time with their twins, which doesn't necessarily end well for Neal.

Peter woke up before his husband and all he could do was stare at the sleeping man’s beautiful face as he listened to him breathe. It was now nearing the beginning of July and his knee was feeling much better, so he had every intention of getting his family out of the house. The kids were bored and, even though he knew how tired Neal has been, he figured they could do something fun together. As he stared at Neal’s face, he had so many ideas in mind.

He honestly wanted to go to Paris with Neal again. This time though, he wanted to take the kids, too. Leaning over his husband, he kissed Neal’s temple before sliding out of bed and dressing himself in boxers he was getting used to wearing. Unsurprisingly, he was met in the hall by his two year old son. “Well, good morning.” Joey giggled up at him.“Did you go potty, kiddo?”

“Yes,” Joey said excitedly. Peter chuckled and knelt in front of his son, feeling his pull-up just to make sure he hadn’t made a mess in it. “Poppa, I go potty.”

Peter grinned at his son. “You sure did. You went in the big boy potty, Joey!” Joey started jumping up and down excitedly and Peter pulled him into his arms. He still went into the bathroom to make sure Joey actually went to the bathroom and he knew Joey had been in there considering there was soap, a towel, and some water on the floor near the sink. “You goofball…” Peter said endearingly. He and Neal had switched out the twins’ cribs and replaced them with beds, so the twins were learning to sleep in something without high rails. They were able to get up and go to the bathroom or come get one of them now instead of crying in the middle of the night, too. “Daddy is going to be so happy when you tell him you went potty like a big boy.”

“Poppa, I hun-gy.”

“You’re hungry?”

Joey nodded eagerly. “I hun-gy.”

Peter smiled at his son and said, “Well, we can’t have a big boy like you starving now, can we?” Joey wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and laid his head on Peter’s shoulder as Peter carried him downstairs. “Do you know what you want to eat, kiddo?”

“Waffies.” Peter chuckled and nodded. “Daddy make me waffies.”

“Daddy sure does,” Peter said as he kissed his son’s hair. “Daddy and Nicky love waffles.” He shifted Joey in his arms a bit so he could grab the waffles out of the freezer without dropping the toddler. “Should I make some for daddy and Nicky?” Joey nodded. He and Neal bought waffles and pancakes that could be heated up in the toaster. Even though Neal loved the process of making them himself, two hungry toddlers kind of got on his nerves from time to time, so they made things a little easier. “Was Brie still asleep?”

“Yeah,” Joey whispered as Peter put a waffle in each of the four slots they had on their toaster. They had to buy a bigger toaster because the little ones were relentless. Things were done twice as fast since their old toaster only had two slots. “Poppa.”

Peter glanced back at his son. “Yes, Joey?”

Joey pulled back a bit so he could look at his poppa’s face. He grinned at his father and grabbed the sides of Peter’s face, kissing his poppa. “I love you,” Joey said. Neal taught the twins to say it perfectly and it meant a lot to Peter when they said it to him. “Love you, poppa.”

“I love you, too, Joey,” he whispered. “God. I didn’t know how much I’d like having two little ones when we brought you home.” He kissed Joey’s forehead and quietly said, “I’m so thankful for you and Brie. I know you probably don’t understand that just yet, but I’m happy because you’re in my life.”

The toddler only focused on the fact that Peter said ‘happy.’ “Poppa happy!” he cried out. “Happy poppa!” Peter couldn’t help laughing. He loved this. He loves the twins because they’re adorable. He loved when they’d tell him they love him, when they’d drag a book over to him so he could read to them, when they’d throw their ball at him so he’d play with them, and when they jumped up onto the couch and curled up with him when he was watching some reruns of baseball games. It was mainly Joey doing all of those things though.

Peter shook his head and said, “You’re so silly, Joey.”

The waffles popped out of the toaster a few moments later and startled Joey. He looked like he was going to cry until he realized the waffles were done. “Waffies! Waffies, poppa!”

“Yes, my little love. Poppa has to put you down, okay?” Joey held onto him tighter, quietly protesting. “Kiddo, I need to cut your waffies for you so you can eat them. Aren’t you hungry?” Joey nodded silently. “Poppa has to put you down for a minute. You can stay right here with me. I just need to put you down.” Joey let go of him and he bent down to set his son on the floor. “There we go,” he said, kissing Joey’s forehead before straightening up so he could cut Joey’s waffles into tiny pieces. Joey wrapped his arms around Peter’s leg and Peter could hear him making quiet sounds because he wanted to be picked up again.

When Peter began to cut up a second waffle for Brie, he heard Joey yell, “Daddy!” Peter turned a bit and saw his husband carrying their daughter. “Daddy! Daddy!” Joey ran to his father and would’ve tripped over his own feet if Neal hadn’t moved closer and crouched quickly enough to catch him.

Brie smacked Joey because she wanted all of their daddy’s attention and that made Joey wail. “Oh, geez. The sibling rivalry is already kicking in.” Peter chuckled as he watched his husband sit down on the floor with the toddlers. “That wasn’t very nice, Brie,” he said when he hugged Joey.

Joey sniffled against his daddy and said, “Ouchies, daddy…”

“I know, Joey,” Neal said softly. Joey pulled back to look at Neal’s face and Neal wiped his tears away. “No more crying. Be happy, little one.” Brie began to pout because she didn’t realize Joey’s crying would garner their daddy’s attention even more. “Brie, what do you say when you hurt your brother?” She huffed at him, crossed her arms over her chest, and plopped down onto the floor beside Neal. “Daddy’s not going to let you sit on him while you’re eating if you don’t say sorry to your brother.”

Brie looked at her brother and Neal loved how Joey was staring at her expectantly. “I sorry.”

Neal smiled when Joey said, “Okay.”

“What’s poppa making us, Joey?”

“Waffies!”

Neal gasped animatedly, grinning at his son. “Poppa’s making waffles for you? Oh, he must love you a _lot._ ” Joey nodded at his daddy. A moment later, Neal looked up at Peter and his heart skipped a beat and his face heated up when he saw how lovingly Peter was looking at him. “I love your poppa more,” he teased his son.

“No! My poppa!” Both Neal and Peter laughed a little when Joey moved away from Neal and went back to grab Peter’s leg possessively. “My poppa, daddy.” Brie didn’t hesitate to jump into her father’s lap the second Joey was out of her way and Joey looked so lost. “My daddy!” he yelled at Brie.

Brie smiled at her brother because she knew she was irritating him. “Okay, you two,” Peter said. “That’s enough. Poppa and daddy are both yours.” He glanced down at their son and said, “Joey, will you go into the living room with daddy? I’ll bring your waffles out to you in a second.” Joey nodded and went back to Neal after Neal stood up, taking Neal’s hand. “How many do you want, honey?”

“Two or three’s good,” Neal said. “Should I get Nicky up?”

“Nah,” Peter murmured. “We may have to ground him though.” Neal’s brows furrowed. “I heard him on the phone at three this morning. I’m assuming he was talking to Trent, but talking until three in the morning is ridiculous at this age.”

Neal shook his head. “Should we ground him from his phone and tell him he can’t use our laptops unless he’s doing schoolwork with our supervision?”

Peter thought about it for a minute. “Well, let’s talk to him first. Then we’ll ground him for a week. If he complains, we’ll make it two weeks.”

“All right.” He headed out into the living room with the twins and sat them down on the floor away from each other while he picked out a Disney movie for all of them to watch as they ate their breakfast. “Any requests?” he asked as he glanced at the twins.

“Whoosh!” Joey said as he pretended to be Elsa from _Frozen._

Neal laughed a little and said, “But you watched _Frozen_ at least five times in the last couple of days.” Joey pouted at him and Neal couldn’t refuse Joey’s request with a look like that. “Fine,” he sighed. “Peter, we’re watching—”

“I swear to God, if you tell me we’re watching _Frozen_ again…” Peter waited for Neal’s response and his silence was enough for him. He sighed in the kitchen as he was finishing up with the twins’ waffles and waffles for him and Neal. He had that damn music stuck in his head twenty-four-seven. When Neal came into the kitchen, Peter said, “Honey, it’s fine. Put the movie on for them.”

Neal looked uncertain before asking, “Is it going to upset you if we watch it again?”

The older man shook his head. “I can’t get the songs out of my head anyway. I might as well torture myself and continue to listen to them.” Neal gave him a small smile and Peter held his hand out towards Neal, waiting for him to come close enough for a kiss. “Besides, I love when you sing.” He handed Neal the plates for the twins and grabbed his and Neal’s plates.

When they returned to the living room, Joey looked at his fathers with a trembling lip. Neal’s brows furrowed as he stared at his son. “Brie hit me!” he yelled.

Peter and Neal both sighed. “Brie…” Peter said in his ‘scolding’ voice. She looked up at her poppa and Peter knew she felt apologetic already. “Daddy already told you it isn’t nice to hit Joey. Does somebody need timeout?”

“No!” she cried out. “No timeout!”

The two men joined the twins at the coffee table and grabbed the little chairs they bought for the twins so they could eat in the living room. “Did Joey do something to make you hit him?”

Brie looked at Neal and said, “He take daddy.”

Peter glanced at his husband at the same time that Neal looked at him. “He’s Joey’s daddy, too, sweetheart. You can’t just hit your brother when daddy spends time with him.” Brie looked so sad. “Nicky shares daddy with you, right?” She nodded. “You need to share daddy with Joey, too.”

She nodded silently and went about eating her waffles with Peter beside her. The two men were trying to evenly spend time with each child, but Brie only wanted her daddy. Joey loved both of his fathers, so they were grateful for that. “I think you should spend time alone with Brie when I take Joey out for groceries. She always wants to go with me and she needs to learn that you’re her other daddy.”

“Sounds fine to me. Are you going out today?”

“I can,” Neal offered. “I was going to do it tomorrow, but I could do it today and get it over with.” Peter shrugged and Neal knew Peter thought it was a good idea for him to go today. “I’ll go as soon as the movie’s over.”

Less than two hours later, Neal was getting his and Joey’s shoes on. Joey was excited to go shopping with his daddy. He asked if his poppa wanted to come with them and Peter told him that Joey would have more fun if it were just the two of them. Brie went to get her shoes, but Peter stopped her and picked her up. “I go with daddy,” she said frantically.

“Joey’s going with daddy. You’re staying home with me.” The fact that Brie began to cry when he said that kind of hurt Peter a little. “Hey, poppa loves you, princess. Daddy loves you, too, but it’s poppa’s turn to play with you.”

“I go with daddy,” she repeated when Neal finished getting Joey ready. “Daddy, I go.”

Neal moved towards her and said, “You’re staying home with poppa, sweetheart.” She cried again and Neal gave Peter a sympathetic look. “Poppa will play ball with you, Brie. Can you go get your ball for poppa?” She continued crying and Neal felt really bad. For the longest time, they thought Joey was far too attached to Neal. Now it seemed like Joey had grown out of that and Brie was beginning to form an extreme attachment to Neal.

Peter sighed and said, “Just go. It’ll be okay.”

Neal kissed him lovingly and whispered, “I love you and so does she.” Peter nodded and Neal could see that Peter didn’t believe him. “She loves you.” Brie tried to grab Neal’s hair and he moved away quickly, giving his husband a few more quick kisses. “I love you,” he whispered before moving to pick Joey up.

“And I love you.”

“I love you!” Joey yelled. “I love poppa. I love daddy. I love Nicky.” Peter and Neal understood that Joey probably didn’t want to say he loves his sister because she’d been hitting him a lot lately.

The two men shared one last look with each other before Neal was out the door with their son. As soon as Neal was gone and Brie heard the car door close outside, she wailed as loudly as she could. Peter sighed sadly. At least Joey and Nicky love him… He didn’t think Brie liked him as much as she likes Neal and that bothered him.

When Peter set her down, she ran to the door and cried against the door. “Yep. This is going to be a blast…” he muttered.

In the Taurus, Joey was animatedly talking and questioning his daddy. “Where poppa? We go home? Poppa home?”

“Poppa’s at home, baby. Daddy is taking you to the store.” Joey gasped excitedly and clapped his hands because he loved going to the store with Neal. All he did was ask Neal for every single toy they came across… “Daddy’s getting food, Joey. I promise I’ll buy toys for you later, okay?”

“Daddy,” he whined. “You get toys.” Neal smiled a little while he drove. “Daddy, I get toys?”

Neal glanced back at his son when he was at a red light. “Not today, baby. Daddy is going to get more waffles for you though.” Joey grinned at him. “I’ll let you walk if you stay with me,” he added. “You don’t have to sit in the cart today.” Joey’s eyes widened and Neal could see how happy that made the toddler. “But you need to stay with daddy.” Someone honked their horn behind him and Neal quickly turned back to focus on the road and drive. He was easily distracted by the twins when they talked to him or dropped things in the backseat and he knew he needed to work on that—especially when he’s the one driving.

As he continued driving, he hoped that Brie would settle down for Peter. Peter needed to know the kids love him. Fortunately, Nicky’s always shown Peter that he loves him and Joey felt the need to constantly tell Peter he loves him now that he could say it properly.

•◊•

Neal could feel Peter’s frustration as Peter made love to him during the twins’ naptime. Each thrust hurt a little more than usual, but he was perfectly content with letting Peter make love to him roughly. Besides, he was a willing participant when it came to Peter’s roughness. By wrapping his legs around Peter’s waist, he let Peter know that he didn’t want Peter to stop.

The younger man was making needy sounds when Peter sucked on his neck. “Yes,” he moaned. When Peter bit Neal’s neck just a little, Neal made a quiet, pained sound. “Don’t stop, Peter. Oh, God. Please don’t stop.”

Peter was looking at his husband’s face, wondering if he’d hurt Neal internally. “Honey, are you okay?”

“Yes,” Neal said breathlessly. “I want you so bad. Love me, Peter. Please.”

Hesitantly, Peter resumed their lovemaking and Neal lifted his hands to frame the sides of Peter’s face, guiding him into a passionate kiss. Neal, even though he was in a little bit of pain, felt really good. “So hot,” Peter whispered against his lips. “Sexy, sexy, sexy man.” Neal let out a quiet cry of pleasure when Peter changed his angle just a little. “You look so beautiful when I’m inside of you.” Neal opened his eyes and smiled at Peter. “Sexy baby boy.”

Neal gasped and whispered, “I’m gonna come. Please tell me you’re close.” Peter gave him a curious look. “Come with me. Please.” Peter nodded and tried to do as Neal asked. In a matter of moments, they were both crying out each other’s names quietly. Peter slowly thrust into his husband until he was completely finished and then he didn’t feel like moving. “Wow… Who’s sexy now?”

“Still you,” Peter whispered, grinning as they breathed heavily. He planted his face into the pillow beside Neal’s head and panted. “I love being inside of you,” he said near Neal’s ear. “You’re so warm…”

Chuckling, Neal said, “I love having you inside of me, so that works to both of our benefits.”

Peter grinned and rolled them over without separating their bodies. He held Neal on top of him and Neal just smiled at him lovingly. Brushing Neal’s sweaty hair out of the way, Peter stared into his husband’s beautiful eyes and murmured, “Have I told you lately how gorgeous you are?”

Neal shrugged and said, “Have you?”

Smirking, Peter pulled him closer and kissed him. Neal draped his arms over Peter’s shoulders, stroking Peter’s hair gently. He moaned when Peter began to thrust into him roughly. “You like that?” Peter murmured when Neal buried his face into the crook of Peter’s neck. Neal made a sound akin to ‘yes’ and Peter wrapped his arms around Neal, sliding his left hand up and down Neal’s back. “Would you come for me one more time, beautiful?” Neal nodded. His eyes were closed, but his lips were parted. He loved how Peter was moving inside of him and Peter began to whisper, “I love you, baby. I love you so much, baby boy.”

“Love you, poppa!” Both men let out a startled cry and Peter shifted Neal off of him. Both of them glanced at Neal’s side of the bed and found their toddler son standing there sleepily with a big, goofy grin on his face. “I nap here?” Neal nodded and shifted closer to the edge of the bed, pulling Joey up onto the bed with them.

Neal laid on his back and held Joey on his chest. Peter laid on his side, watching his husband stroke Joey’s back. “Little cock-blocker,” Peter muttered. Neal grinned at him. “As if they didn’t complicate things when they cried in their cribs during the night… Now they’re coming into our bed…”

“Oh, please,” Neal said softly. “I know how much you love having the kids in our bed.” Peter rolled his eyes. “Awe. C’mon, poppa. Just admit it. You adore our kids and you couldn’t possibly refuse them if they asked to join us.”

Gesturing at Joey, he said, “Well, I didn’t have much of a choice and here he is.” Neal’s brows furrowed because he felt like Peter was honestly irritated. He didn’t exactly like that because these children are _their_ children and Peter shouldn’t feel so negatively about them. Moments later, Peter sighed and curled up against Neal, kissing his shoulder. “I love them as much as I love you. I just want you all to myself sometimes…”

Neal smiled a little, kissing Peter’s head. “I’m not going anywhere, lover. You’ll always have me all to yourself. Sure, the kids kind of steal the spotlight sometimes, but you and I always have each other at the end of the day.” Peter nodded, resting his left hand over the hand Neal was using to rub Joey’s back. He closed his eyes and let Neal’s hand guide his own. “I love you, Peter. Nothing and no one is ever going to change that.”

“I know,” Peter whispered.

The younger man fell asleep no too long thereafter and all Peter could do was smile at his husband’s sleeping face. He listened to the quiet sounds of Neal and Joey’s breathing and was able to ease himself into sleep.

One week later, early in the morning, Peter woke up expecting Neal and all three of their kids to bed in their bed since the twins kept coming in to sleep with them, but he was surprised to find that he was the only one in his bed. Pushing himself up a bit, he felt Neal’s side of the bed and realized Neal had been out of bed for quite some time. He wondered if he’d upset Neal somehow. Frowning, he tried to think of a way he could apologize to his husband.

That was when he heard someone getting sick in their bedroom bathroom. Jumping out of bed, Peter quickly pulled some pants on without worrying about underwear and darted into the bathroom to find his husband leaning over their toilet. “Ugh…” Neal moaned miserably. Joey and Brie were sitting on the floor beside Neal and they both looked a little sick as well.

“What’s going on?” Peter asked concernedly. “Neal, are you okay?” He moved closer and knelt beside his husband, rubbing his back gently.

“I’ve been throwing up since one-thirty.” Peter glanced at the time and realized Neal had been getting sick for two hours. “I tried to stay quiet. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

Peter kissed his hair and whispered, “Don’t apologize. You should’ve woken—” Neal started getting sick again and all Peter could do was rub his back and try to relax his tense muscles. As Neal was getting sick, Peter realized the twins were also sick. “Jesus Christ. What the hell happened to you three?” Joey was looking a little paler than Brie, but Neal looked absolutely awful.

When Neal was able to calm down a little, he whispered, “Stomach bug of some sort, I guess. Be lucky it didn’t hit you.” That didn’t exactly make Peter feel any better. He never liked when Neal or the kids were sick. “I don’t know if there’s anything left to throw up,” Neal groaned. “I’m practically dry heaving now as it is.”

The older man whispered, “Let’s get you back in bed. I’ll get you a bowl or something and I’ll take care of the kids while you rest.” Neal shook his head and finally looked at Peter. It was obvious that this was taking a lot out of him. He was sweating profusely and his skin color looked the worst out of the three of them. He’d noticed that the twins were coming down with something recently, but he didn’t realize Neal was going to get it bad. “Honey, please.” Neal’s body convulsed and Peter thought he was going to get sick again. When he managed to keep himself from doing so, he sighed in relief. “Honey, you feel like shit,” he whispered.

“I’m surprised you haven’t said I look like shit, too.” Peter kissed Neal’s bare shoulder to silently convey that he loves Neal. “Ew. Stop.” He moved away from Peter. “I’m going to get you sick if you kiss me.”

“Baby, I kissed your _shoulder._ Besides, I’m pretty sure I would’ve gotten sick already if I were meant to. This hit the three of you terribly…” Neal was breathing heavily as he laid his head down on his forearm. “I’m sorry. I wish I could make you feel better, hon.” He glanced at the twins and it looked like Joey was about to get sick. “Shit,” he hissed as he quickly moved to grab Joey. He held Joey in his arms and watched him get sick in the bathtub. It was better than the floor and Peter could just rinse it down the drain when all of this was over. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Peter cooed as Joey began to wail. “Poppa’s got you, baby boy.”

“I thought I was your baby boy,” Neal teased, sounding exhausted.

Peter smiled over at him as Joey began to calm down. “I have three baby boys, but you’re the main baby boy, angel.” Neal sat up straighter and turned around to look at his husband. “Do you know if we have any medicine the three of you can take?”

Neal shrugged. “I know we have some kid stuff in the medicine cabinet. I’m not sure if there’s anything I can take though.” Peter used a rag to gently wipe Joey’s mouth off and quickly rinsed the bathtub out before moving towards the medicine cabinet. He slid the mirror a little and glanced at the medicine Neal kept in there. “I don’t remember what it’s called. You’re probably going to have to read them.”

Nodding, Peter began to do that. He read three different medicine bottles for children before finding the right one. “All right, kiddos.” He set Joey down and began to measure out the medicine Joey would need. He turned towards his son and said, “Poppa needs you to take this, okay? It’ll make you feel better.” Joey looked miserable, but he nodded and let Peter give him the medicine from the tiny measuring cup that’d been over the cap. Joey made a face, but he finished taking his medicine wonderfully. “You must be feeling awful if you took all of that down without spitting it back up.” Joey sat down and looked up at Peter as Peter stood up and went to clean out the tiny cup. “Brie, come over here.” Despite the way she’d been acting around—or avoiding—Peter lately, Brie was beginning to like being around him. She came to him and he went through the same routine he’d just gone through with Joey.

Brie walked out and Peter knew she was going back to her own bed. “Brie didn’t throw up. Joey and I have been though.” Neal looked at their son and said, “Poor kiddo.”

“Daddy,” Joey said miserably. Neal held his arm out and Joey went over to him, standing against him. “I no feel good.”

“I know, Joey. If you keep taking your medicine for poppa, you’ll feel better. Does that sound okay?” Joey nodded against him. Glancing up at his husband, Neal said, “I don’t know if he’s going to throw up again. He’s only thrown up three or four times.”

Peter nodded and said, “I’ll lay him down in our bed.” Neal watched Peter pick Joey up and carry him out into the bedroom.

While Neal remained in the bathroom, he heard Joey talking to Peter. “Daddy okay?”

“He will be,” Peter promised. “He’s just a little sick right now.”

“I sorry, poppa.” Peter didn’t understand why Joey was apologizing to him. “I get daddy sick.” Peter shook his head and kissed Joey’s forehead. “Daddy sleep?”

“Daddy’s going to be fine and I’ll bring him back to bed in a minute, kiddo.” Turning towards the bathroom, he asked, “Hon, do you know if Nicky’s sick, too?”

“He’s fine,” Neal replied. “I checked on him earlier and he was still sound asleep.” Peter tucked Joey into his and Neal’s bed before heading back into the bathroom. “I think I can finally get out of here. I’ve been on my knees for at least forty-five minutes.”

Peter chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind the next time I ask if you’ll blow me.” Neal smacked his leg and Peter stroked Neal’s hair gently. “I know—not the right time to make jokes like that.” He checked the medicine cabinet for something he could give Neal and he sighed. “God damn. We have a ton of medicine for the kids and painkillers for us.”

Neal nodded. “I figured as much. We used the last of our medicine the last time you got sick.” Peter knew Neal was right. “I didn’t think either of us went out to buy more, so…” Glancing at the younger man, Peter felt awful. He wanted his husband to feel better already. “Can you go get a bowl or something for me just in case? I don’t want to throw up on the bed.” “Of course, baby,” Peter whispered. “Do you want me to get you into bed first?”

Neal shook his head. “I can do it. Don’t worry.”

Peter left it at that and went downstairs to retrieve a decently sized bowl for his husband to use in case he got sick again. He wondered if he should run out really quick and get some medicine for Neal. The twins were going to be fine, but he was concerned about Neal. He decided he’d ask Neal once he got back upstairs because he didn’t want to leave Neal alone if Neal needed him to be with him.

As soon as he went into the bedroom, he glanced at the bed and noticed that Neal wasn’t there. “Honey?” he called out nervously.

“Still in here.” Still? Peter set the bowl on the end of the bed and went back into the bathroom. Neal had moved a little, but he looked worn out. “I tried and got this far. Everything is aching…” Peter gave Neal a small smile and helped Neal into a standing position. He carefully maneuvered his husband until he was carrying Neal in his arms bridal style. His knee was protesting just a little, but Peter was determined to help his husband. As soon as he was close enough, he rested Neal on the bed. When Neal scooted over, he knew Neal wanted him to go back to bed with him. Fortunately, Joey was passed out. “God do I feel like shit…”

Peter grabbed the bowl and joined Neal in bed, setting the bowl between them. “If I’m asleep and you get sick, wake me up. I can run out and get you some medicine if you want me to.” Neal looked at him hopefully and Peter realized Neal did want him to do that, but he didn’t want to ask him to. “I’ll go now so I don’t have to leave you later.” He grabbed Neal’s phone off of the nightstand and set it in front of Neal. “I promise I’ll be back soon, but text me if you need me.”

Neal nodded and closed his eyes. “I love you,” he whispered, to which Peter replied in kind, kissed Neal’s forehead, and dressed himself properly so he could run out really quick. He remembered which medicine he and Neal used, so that made things easier.

Peter was gone for about twenty minutes. The second he was in their bedroom again, he realized Neal was asleep. Sighing, he knew he couldn’t let Neal go to sleep and stay asleep until Neal had some medicine in his system. “Damn it. I hate interrupting your sleep…” he muttered. Sighing once again, he turned his nightstand light on and measured out Neal’s dosage before getting onto the bed to gently wake his husband. “Honey. Honey, I’m home. I’ve got medicine for you.” Neal woke up a little and sat up just enough for Peter to give Neal the medicine as he’d done with Joey. “One more, okay?” Neal nodded as Peter turned to refill the tiny cup. He went back to Neal and said, “All right, honey.” Neal opened his mouth a little so Peter could help him and Peter did that without hesitation.

As soon as Peter was finished, he quickly went into the bathroom to clean the cup out and then he placed it over the cap again. “Thank you,” Neal whispered. Peter glanced at him and smiled. “Didn’t wanna make you go out, but thank you.”

“There’s no reason to thank me,” Peter said softly. He stripped down to his underwear and crawled into bed with Neal after turning the light off. “I love you and I’d do anything for you, baby. Besides, I’d run halfway across the world and back to get whatever makes you feel better.” Neal smiled as his eyes began to close slowly. Peter kissed Neal’s nose and watched Neal fall asleep and then he listened to Neal snore.

After the way he’d treated Neal for helping him before and after he came home, he gladly helped Neal. He loved carrying his husband and he wanted to do whatever he could to make Neal feel better because he doesn’t like seeing Neal so sick.

Silently, he stroked Neal’s hair gently. He didn’t think he was going to be able to get back to sleep. Neal lost sleep over him for weeks on end and he wanted to be awake if Neal got sick again. He leaned over to give his husband a kiss even though he was asleep. Even if he got sick, kissing Neal was well worth it. “Just you wait until you get sick…” Neal muttered, startling Peter.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“I was until you hit me with the bowl.” Peter mentally slapped himself. “I’m going back to sleep…”

Peter moved the bowl this time and then he kissed Neal. “Sleep well, honey,” he whispered. Once again, the kiss was worth it. Illness be damned, he’d do anything he could to remind Neal that he’s loved.


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changes are taking place in the Burkes' lives.

Mere days later, Neal and Peter were leaving a courtroom. They’d both testified against Kramer and the evidence provided against Kramer—that was now legally obtained by the FBI—was scathing. It’d been proven in court that Kramer had an obsession with Peter just by looking at the evidence and also by Kramer’s confession—that didn’t come until well into the session. Mozzie was the Burkes’ lawyer and he made damn sure he crushed Kramer’s lawyer as well as Kramer himself.

Bruce had come up to New York to testify on behalf of the Burkes as well, which both men wholeheartedly appreciated. He reported Kramer’s illegal activities to the court. All of his false allegations he’d documented against Neal were proven to be illegal and they were allegations documented against real criminals who were behind bars for a very long time. As it turns out, Kramer would be joining those criminals behind bars—for a very long time. His position within the FBI was terminated by Bruce in front of everyone because that was what he needed to do. The bureau would take responsibility for Kramer’s illegal activities, but they wouldn’t permit him to work in the bureau ever again.

“I can’t believe it’s actually over,” Neal whispered to his husband as they stopped outside of the courtroom. Peter gave him a small smile because he’d heard those words escape Neal’s lips before. “I’m surprised he left his disgusting shrine in place for them to find, but I’m also grateful for that, too. He was caught and proven that his homophobic ass had the hots for you.”

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and whispered, “I’m just glad he’s going away for a very long time. He can’t try to hurt you anymore.” Neal knew that was what Peter was most concerned about. Peter didn’t particularly care for Kramer’s obsession with him and he repeatedly assured Neal that he never once considered returning Kramer’s feelings. Neal also knew Peter wouldn’t choose Kramer over him. “He kept trying to arrest you and I’m glad Bruce brought that up.”

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s throat and whispered, “He’s your best friend. Of course he’d bring it up so he could prove that he’s on our side.” Peter rubbed Neal’s back and kissed his hair.

“He was my best friend through Quantico,” Peter whispered, “and he and I are still very good friends…” Neal pulled back to look up at Peter in confusion. “I married you, Neal. I married my _best_ friend.” Neal’s little smile made Peter’s heart skip a beat. “The more I got to know you, the more I fell in love with you. I liked the person and father you were when we met—and I still love both of those aspects of you to this very day—but I also loved the survivor you were. When you told me about Vincent, I didn’t really know what to expect. Eventually, I learned that things triggered you and it didn’t help that Craig felt like he could claim you for himself—and then proceed to share you with Vincent…”

The younger man could feel Peter’s anger and he squeezed Peter’s hands, whispering, “I’m safe. I’m in a good place now, Peter.” Peter exhaled heavily and nodded at his husband. “I know what I did to you each time I fell apart and I can’t express how sorry I am.”

Peter stared at Neal incredulously. “Why would you ever apologize for that? Neal, everything you endured and survived—”

“I’m sorry for being unable to control myself, for being unable to manage whatever triggered me. I’m sorry for allowing that to continue early on after I came back.” Peter was looking at Neal sadly now. He never wanted Neal to apologize for acting like the victim he had been. Neal knew he was a survivor and he preferred to be called as such, but they knew Vincent and Craig had victimized him. “I want this to be better. I want our lives to be better.” He lifted his left hand and rested it over Peter’s heart. “Everyone who’s hurt _us_ is either dead or going to prison.”

Peter was still a little shocked over the fact that Rachel had been the one who nearly took him out. If she hadn’t missed by much, he knew he’d be dead at this very moment. “Things will be better, Neal. I promise I’ll do whatever needs to be done to prevent anything like this again. I won’t allow you to be hurt again.”

“Nor will I allow you to be hurt,” Neal insisted. “I know I can’t work with you, but I’ll still protect you.”

Chuckling, Peter whispered, “I’d expect nothing less from you, honey. You’re still very skilled when it comes to handling your handgun.” Neal grinned at him. “You never fail to amaze me.”

Peter hugged his husband again and Neal held onto him tightly. “I love you, Peter. I’m glad you’re still alive.” Peter rubbed Neal’s back gently, knowing that Neal could’ve potentially watched him die. Rachel had the intention of killing him if Neal didn’t. He was just glad Neal hadn’t turned on him. Even though Neal had nightmares that focused on that moment, Peter was glad Neal killed Rachel. She would’ve broken out of prison in a heartbeat and things could’ve been worse. She could have killed them or gone after their children. Now that she was dead, no one was in imminent danger. “I don’t want to be without you. Even when you were acting like an asshole towards me after coming home, I didn’t want to be without you.”

The older man sighed and said, “I’m not acting like an asshole anymore, right?”

“No. My husband’s back,” Neal said quietly. “My sweet, loving Peter is back. He just needed time to heal.” Peter squeezed Neal this time before pulling away so he could kiss his husband. “I like how sweet you’ve been since the kids and I got sick.”

“I hate watching you suffer. For about four days, you suffered through extreme bouts of ‘please kill me now.’” Neal chuckled, nodding. “I’m glad you’re feeling better, hon. I’ve never liked watching any of you get sick. Joey had it worse than Brie did and I felt awful every time he threw up and every time he took his medicine.”

Neal smiled softly at his husband before lifting his left hand to caress Peter’s cheek. “Poppa pulled us through our illness.” Peter nodded as he laughed a little. “Do you know when you have to go back to work?”

“My knee needs maybe two or three more weeks to heal according to the doctor.” Neal nodded silently, so Peter curiously asked, “Why?”

“Remember when we talked about taking the kids to Paris?” Peter was silently thrilled that Neal was still interested in that idea. “Maybe we could get out of the house—out of the country for a little while. Everything here is finally calm enough. We could probably use time away.” Peter wholeheartedly agreed. As much as he loves his home, being there twenty-four-seven due to his injuries made him sick of the house. “The summer isn’t over yet, so Nicky won’t miss school if we go for a few days—or a week.”

Peter laughed and took Neal’s hand in his, leading him out of the courthouse entirely. “I’ll check in and make sure it’s okay for me to leave the country. If I’m cleared for it, we’re packing everything and getting the hell out of here for a week or two—just to relax and spend time with our kiddos.”

Neal absolutely loved how that sounded. He enjoyed the idea of taking their children to Paris and he was glad Peter was all for it—considering it was his idea, he’d better be all for it.

The second they were in the Taurus, Peter was dialing the doctor and asking him if it would be all right for him to travel with his family. After a short discussion of precautions Peter could take to ensure that his knee didn’t experience too much pain, the doctor said he’d allow Peter to travel. His surgery was completed a while ago, so he was still in the recovery process and warned Peter to travel safely and remain safe while in Paris. He said the last thing he wanted was for Peter to injure his knee again—and in another country. Although, he did add that flying to Paris wouldn’t be such a terrible thing after all, but he still hoped Peter would take care of himself.

As soon as he’d gotten off of the phone with his doctor, Neal was grinning at him. “Can you look up tickets while I’m driving?”

“Of course,” Peter said instantly. He pulled his seatbelt over himself, buckled up, and immediately jumped on his phone to check for any flights to Paris within the next few days. “Well, there’s a flight I can book that’s leaving in two days. We’ll have to verify the kids’ ages though, so…birth certificates are a necessity.”

“Good thing we have all three of them locked up in a little box together.” Peter smirked because that had been his idea. Neal said he’d always kept Nicky’s birth certificate on him since he’d been a single parent of one child at the time. When he and Peter got together and adopted the twins, Peter bought a steel lockbox to put them in.

He booked the flight immediately thereafter and was glad he and Neal had more than enough to pay for it. He was honestly really excited to take the kids to Paris. It was where he and Neal had reconnected as husbands and he loved thinking about that. Their relationship had been difficult at first, but they made it through that hurdle and spent time in Paris. Neal recovered some memories and they’d made love quite a bit after their anniversary. They’d have to figure out some kind of arrangement so he and Neal could make love whenever the hell they wanted without the kids catching them. That obviously meant they couldn’t stay in the same room they’d stayed in before… As he searched through some places they could stay in, he grinned. “I found a nice suite we could rent. You and I will have a bedroom all to ourselves.”

“Thank God.”

Peter glanced over at his husband and Neal gave him a sly smile that sent shivers down Peter’s spine. Obviously he wasn’t the only one who wanted privacy for lovemaking. “You’ll just have to be quieter because the kids are in the room next to us.”

Neal reached out and playfully smacked Peter’s arm. “Stop being so damn good at what you do and that won’t be a problem,” he teased.

The older man smirked as he booked the suite for them and then he reached over to hold Neal’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “I love you too much to _not_ do a good job in bed.” He could see Neal’s smile and feel Neal’s happiness. As much as he’d argued with Neal about changing the way they did things in bed, he did like the way they did things now and he knew he was pleasing Neal a great deal. If Neal honestly didn’t mind getting a bit rough and actually enjoyed it, Peter didn’t think it was really all that necessary to fight him on it. “What kind of husband would I be if I didn’t pleasure the love of my life?”

“Not my husband—that’s for sure,” Neal teased. Peter laughed and shook his head.

“So if I didn’t please you, you’d leave me?”

Neal continued teasing even though Peter was asking a serious question. Neal didn’t realize that though. “Well, there’s a strong possibility that I would, considering about ninety percent of our time together is in our bed.” Peter was quiet then because he wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. When Neal glanced over at his husband, he finally realized his answer had hurt Peter’s feelings. “Peter, you know I wouldn’t leave you,” he insisted. “Our relationship and our marriage has never been about sex.” Peter was still quiet even after he forced a small laugh. Neal squeezed Peter’s hand and whispered, “You know I didn’t mean that. I was kidding—and I thought you realized that.” Peter nodded, but Neal knew Peter didn’t believe him just yet. “I love you with all of my heart. As much as I love some really sexy lovemaking with you, I just love being with you, Peter. I love your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes light up when you look at me… I’m attracted to you and not just in a sexual way.”

“I know that,” Peter whispered.

“If we didn’t make love, I’d still love you, Peter. You were there for me when I was too afraid to have sex and I didn’t leave you when you were hospitalized and wanted sex.” Peter looked at Neal and Neal gave him a quick smile before focusing on the road. “Being around you gives me enough pleasure. The fact that you want to spend _years_ with me is enough to pleasure me.”

Peter lifted their hands and kissed Neal’s skin. “I want to spend my life with you. There’s no one else I’d rather be with.”

Neal was relieved by that. “There’s no one else I’d rather be with either,” he said softly. “You’ve told me that you don’t know how it feels to not love me. I don’t know how that feels either—how it feels to not love you. I’ve loved you since I met you—again. I just didn’t know it at first.”

Chuckling, Peter said, “I know. That’s why you felt safe with me. Even if you didn’t tell me you loved me, knowing that you felt safe with me made me feel a little better.” Neal squeezed his hand. “It was hard—trying to contain my feelings for you when I didn’t know if you loved me or not. I didn’t know if I was going to lose you and that scared me more than anything. I mean, I would’ve let you go if you didn’t want to be with me anymore, but it’d hurt like hell to see you happy with someone else.”

Neal abruptly pulled over and parked the car, focusing on his husband entirely. “There’s no way in hell I would ever love anyone else.” He reached over, grabbed Peter’s suit jacket, and pulled him closer so he could kiss him. The seatbelts made it difficult, but Neal wanted to passionately kiss his husband nonetheless. “Give me a ride when we get home and I’ll prove that I could never love another man—even if I tried.” Peter was blushing furiously when Neal sat back in his seat. He loves this side of Neal—now that he’s gotten used to it. “You’re the sexiest, sweetest, gentlest, and most loving man I know. I’m one hundred and fifty percent sure that no one can ever grab my attention, heart, and soul the way you do.”

“Damn. I’ll be insecure more often now.”

Smiling a bit, Neal said, “You have no reason to be insecure. I am a Burke and our children are Burke children.” He lifted his hand to gently card his fingers through Peter’s hair while he drove. “I don’t want ever want to _not_ be a Burke.”

•◊•

Nicky was excited beyond words when his fathers came home from court to tell him they were going on a vacation in a couple of days. He immediately went up to his room to start packing, which left his fathers in their living room laughing. “Yeah. I guess we are all pretty tired of being stuck in the house for so long.” Neal grabbed Peter’s hand and tugged on him as he plopped down onto the couch. The twins were playing on the other side of the coffee table, so the two men were watching them fondly. “I think the kids will enjoy it—assuming we survive the flight with two toddlers.”

“They’ll enjoy it. Nicky already is.” They could hear Nicky throwing things into a suitcase and both of them rolled their eyes. “I said we’re leaving in two days, didn’t I?” Peter laughed and nodded, leaning over to rest his head on Neal’s shoulder. “Goofy kid. I love him to death and his excitement is pretty great.”

“I don’t think he’s ever been out of the United States,” Peter said. “When you were a single father, you didn’t have a lot of money left over for traveling and I can’t imagine you would’ve taken him out of the country when he was so young. You were in Paris before with one of you ex-boyfriends, but you didn’t take Nicky with you.”

Neal nodded. “Well, I only remember going to Paris with you. Whoever I went with before has never crossed my mind. In all honesty, I can’t even tell you who it was that I went with.”

Peter chuckled as he said, “Even if you remembered him, I’d make damn sure you never thought of him in Paris ever again.” Neal grinned at him and kissed his hair. “You’re mine—and only mine. I don’t like sharing you.”

“Hate to break it to you, handsome, but you’ve been sharing me for seven years.” Peter smirked at him. “At first, you just shared me with Nicky. Now, you’re sharing me with Nicky and our two little monsters.” As if on cue, Joey got up and darted over to his daddy, wanting to get up into his lap. Neal picked him up immediately and grinned at him. “Well, hello, my handsome little man.”

“Daddy,” Joey said as he leaned against Neal. Neal rested his hand on Joey’s back and smiled at the toddler. “Love you.”

Neal smiled wider and said, “I love you, too, Joey.” Brie glanced up then and seemed furious the second Peter looked at her. She threw her toys and proceeded to throw a tantrum. “Oh, God…”

Brie got up and moved as quickly as she could to grab Neal’s knees. She tried to grab Joey’s legs, but Neal shifted around a bit to make sure she didn’t hurt her brother—again. Peter moved and grabbed her, pulling her up onto his own lap. He made sure Brie kept her hands to herself and then he looked at his husband. Joey was contentedly lying on his daddy with his eyes closed as though Brie’s actions hadn’t affected him at all. If she’d hit him, it’d be a different story. “We’ve got a little spitfire here,” Peter murmured.

The younger man sighed and whispered, “She’ll learn to share me eventually. I don’t know why she’s been acting like this. For the longest time, she didn’t seem to care if we were around or not. Now she’s completely attached to me—to the point where she’s hurting her brother if he comes near me.” Peter nodded. Brie wasn’t resisting Peter and that relieved both men, but she just seemed to like going after her brother for stealing their daddy’s attention.

“We’ll have to keep them apart on the flight or it’ll be hell.” Neal gave his husband a small smile. “You’ll keep Joey near you and I’ll keep her near me.” Before Neal had the chance to respond at all, Peter was practically growling, “You and I are sitting beside each other.” Neal shivered and Joey hit him for moving. He laughed a little and rubbed his son’s back. Joey was obviously tired and didn’t want Neal shifting around at all—even the slightest of movements, apparently. “I want you at my side. I don’t want anyone else near you.”

Neal wasn’t going to argue with Peter on that. He enjoys how possessive Peter gets at times. It wasn’t like Peter was telling him he could or couldn’t do something. Peter just wanted to sit beside him during the flight and Neal was honestly okay with that. If he wanted to lean against Peter, Peter would be right next to him rather than on the other side of Joey. Nicky would sit beside his brother or sister—whichever he chose when the time came. “You know I love being beside you. No complaints from me, lover.”

Peter leaned over to kiss his husband—and he succeeded—and Brie took that opportunity to finally smack her brother and simultaneously yell, “My daddy! Bad Joey!”

Joey wailed against Neal and Neal slid off of the couch, standing as he held Joey against him and tried to calm him down. Brie sat back and watched in dismay as her attempt to win her daddy back had, yet again, backfired. Peter, however, watched Neal in awe. He always thought Neal was a natural when it came to the kids, but he just loved watching Neal. The way he calmed Joey almost immediately warmed Peter’s heart. Despite everything that’d happened to them throughout the year, his Neal was still with him. Neal has always been his—before and after—and Peter never fell out of love with him, but this was the Neal he’d first fallen in love with. Granted, Nicky was about nine when Peter came into the picture, but Neal had been such a calming presence for Nicky and Peter absolutely loved it.

The toddler’s arms wound around Neal’s neck and he closed his eyes, quietly resting against his daddy after he’d calmed down. Neal sighed in relief the second it was quiet again. “Daddy,” Joey whined near his ear. “Ouchies…”

“I know, baby,” he whispered, kissing Joey’s head.

Joey pulled back abruptly and stared at his daddy before whispering, “Kiss, daddy?”

Neal grinned at his son. “Will a kiss make you feel better?” Joey nodded and Neal proceeded to kiss Joey’s nose repeatedly until the toddler laughed. “There,” he said softly. “All better.”

As soon as Neal looked back at his husband, he knew exactly what was going through Peter’s thoughts. The way his eyes were lit up said it all—not to mention the way he was smiling so sweetly. Neal blushed a little, but he knew he could never doubt just how much Peter loves him. Seeing the way Peter looked at him—and was still looking at him—told him that his husband was absolutely taken by him. He even looked breathless and Neal thought that was wonderful.

When Neal finally sat back down and made sure Brie wasn’t going to attack her brother again, Peter leaned over and kissed him. “I love you so much. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me _not_ love you anymore.” Neal, despite knowing that already, still smiled shyly. He hadn’t intentionally done it, but he loved the way Peter spoke to him, the way Peter looked at him. Peter’s happiness and love was very evident with a simple and quick glance at the older man. The longer Neal looked at him, he could both see and feel Peter’s feelings magnifying.

That meant more than Neal could ever tell his husband. How does one fully express how in love and content they are with their partner in a unique way?

•◊•

Neal crashed down onto the bed beside his husband after they’d finished making love. He was breathing heavily, sweating profusely, and grinning broadly. Peter just stared at him happily because he enjoyed seeing Neal like this. He was glad he’s the only one who has the privilege and honor to see Neal in such a state. He can’t imagine Neal ever feeling this way before considering his past was filled with abusive boyfriends and one night stands. “You look so cute,” Peter whispered, twisting to lie on his side so he could stroke Neal’s jaw gently. “How can one man be so sexy and cute at the same damn time?” Neal giggled quietly and pecked Peter’s lips quickly.

“You’re the sexy one,” Neal whispered. His smile never faltered and that made Peter’s heart pound wildly. “I wish you could go another round.” Laughing, Peter laid on his back and shook his head, draping his arm over his face. In all honesty, he wished he could go another round, too, but he was exhausted. “I kind of wish I could make you come as many times as you make me come. Christ… I practically covered you in it.”

Chuckling, Peter murmured, “It’s beautiful—watching you orgasm.” Neal curled up against him and Peter wrapped his arm around Neal, stroking his hip gently. “The sounds you make are so arousing, but your face is what does it. I know you’re not faking it. You just look so damn ecstatic every time you orgasm and I love getting you to that point repeatedly just to watch you.”

Neal smirked and closed his eyes. It was three in the morning and he didn’t feel particularly tired even after making very passionate love with his husband. “You’re good at what you do. You make things considerably easy. That just so happens to include about five orgasms within forty-five minutes.”

Peter smiled and lowered the arm he’d draped over his face so he could run his fingers through Neal’s sweaty, disheveled hair. “Making you happy is my goal—in and out of bed. I’ll admit that I definitely fuck things up from time to time, but all I want is for you to be happy and I hope I do things correctly a majority of the time so you’ll be happy with me.”

Throwing his leg over both of Peter’s while simultaneously minding Peter’s healing knee, Neal whispered, “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Nodding, Peter said, “That’s the one thing I’m most grateful for. Having you in my life is everything…” Neal kissed Peter’s chest a few times and all Peter could do was smile and stroke Neal’s hair. As he laid in bed with his husband, he thought about Paris. He could’ve been thinking about what they, as a family, were going to do while there, but his mind drifted elsewhere—somewhere he hadn’t gone in a while. “Hon, can I ask you something?” Neal nodded silently against him. Peter hesitated because he didn’t know how Neal was going to respond considering the way he’d acted the last time he asked Neal… “I was wondering if…if you’d like to change things up in Paris?”

Neal murmured, “Could we go to the Seine first this time then?” Peter realized that his question hadn’t fully registered with Neal yet and he figured Neal’s brain was overtaken by the aftermath and ecstasy of their lovemaking. When Neal realized Peter wasn’t going to answer, he opened his eyes and looked up at Peter concernedly. “What do you mean by ‘change things up,’ Peter?” Peter gave him a slightly fearful look and that was when it clicked. “Peter Michael,” he groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not going to force you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable? You—”

“I know I didn’t react wonderfully the last time we talked about this, but—”

“You sat in our bathroom and cried for, like, an hour last time. Do you think that’s how I want to spend a vacation with you?” Peter frowned as Neal pushed himself up a bit. “I love you to death—I do. I just refuse to hurt you, Peter. I don’t want you to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry as quietly as you can manage while I sit on the bed and wait, thinking you’re just taking your time. I don’t like the idea of upsetting you—or of you upsetting yourself to the point where you jump into bed and demand that I—”

“Stop,” Peter said fiercely. “Just forget it.” He turned over to lie on his side and shut his eyes tightly. He should’ve known Neal wasn’t going to perk up and say ‘yes.’ After crying in the bathroom about all of this, he couldn’t exactly blame Neal for not allowing this. He blamed himself for reacting ridiculously. If he hadn’t cried and concerned his husband, perhaps they already would’ve gotten past this point.

Neal sighed and pressed himself against Peter, draping his arm over Peter’s waist. He kissed Peter’s neck and whispered, “I love you so much, Peter. I’d do anything for you and you know that, but I don’t want to do this if you’re afraid.”

Peter held Neal’s hand against his skin and whispered, “What if I’m not afraid anymore?” He hadn’t thought about this in months, but he honestly didn’t see a reason to be afraid of this. Neal’s his husband and the sweetest man he’s ever met. He highly doubted—more like knew for certain—that Neal wouldn’t abuse him. “I know I fucked up every time I asked before, but I really want to try, Neal.”

“Look at me,” Neal whispered. Peter hesitated before turning over to come face to face with his husband. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re ready. If you can do that without lying to me, we’ll talk about it.”

The older man considered things for a moment before staring directly into Neal’s eyes and whispering, “I’m ready.” Neal raised an eyebrow at him as he analyzed him. He knew Neal knew him well enough to know if he were lying. “I’m ready,” he repeated. His voice didn’t tremble and he didn’t feel this overwhelming fear taking hold of him. In fact, he actually felt at ease.

Neal was a bit skeptical as he said, “If you’re truly ready, we’ll give it a shot. Just keep in mind that I’m not forcing you into this. I don’t want you to think you _need_ to do this for some reason.” Neal kept looking at him, waiting for some indication that Peter had just lied to him about finally being comfortable with this. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Peter—physically or psychologically.

“I want to know how it feels to have you make love to me,” Peter said softly. “I’ve always wondered how it felt for you, so I hope you’ll let me experience that. You always look so happy afterwards and I can’t imagine you making me feel differently.”

Sighing, Neal whispered, “I swear I’ll do whatever I possibly can to make this easier for you. I just hope to God that you aren’t doing this as some desperate attempt to make me happy.”

Peter shook his head. “I really want this. I want you inside of me—you and only you.”

Raising an eyebrow once again, Neal asked, “Are you expecting someone to join us?” Peter’s eyes widened when he realized he made it sound like he expected a third person to partake in their lovemaking.

“No!” he said hurriedly, startling Neal with his sudden outburst. “I just never wanted anything or anyone to be inside of my body until…until you. I know you and I love you. You’re the only person I could ever trust like this, Neal.” Neal understood that. Even though he knew he’d had lots and lots of sex prior to being with Peter and occasionally even while he’d been with Peter even though that wasn’t his choice, Peter’s the only one he’s trusted to take care of him even while they’re in the heat of the moment. Feeling anyone else inside of himself didn’t feel anywhere near as comforting as it felt to have Peter inside of him. “If I allow anyone to be inside of my body, he’d have to be you. I would never feel this way with anyone else.”

Neal nodded and promised, “I won’t hurt you. You’ve never intentionally hurt me. You’ve never fucked me senseless with the intention of harming me.” Peter knew he’d loved Neal passionately and roughly, but Neal was right regardless. He never made love to Neal just so he could cause him pain. He never wanted Neal to hurt that way ever again and he never wanted to be the one who hurt Neal in such an awful way. “I love you too much to hurt you—especially since you’re letting your guard down with me and giving part of yourself to me that you have never trusted with anyone else.”

“That’s because there’s never been nor will there ever be anyone else…”

Smiling softly, Neal whispered, “As long as you’re truly okay with this, we’ll try in Paris.” He held Peter’s hand between their bodies and gave Peter a very meaningful look.

Peter knew exactly what it meant and he truly appreciated how loving and respectful his husband is. He kissed Neal’s knuckles and nodded at him. Neal’s the only man he would ever trust with his body and the very thought of finally feeling Neal inside of him made him nervous, but his excitement was beginning to outweigh that nervousness.

He could always trust Neal. He trusts Neal with his heart, soul, and life. Neal trusts him with all of that in addition to his own body, so Peter knew he could trust his husband all the same.

For more reasons than one, he couldn’t wait to be in Paris again.


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes are on their way to Paris.

Neal woke up when he heard his husband softly say, “Honey. Honey, you need to get up.” He smiled as Peter rubbed his entire body against his backside while Peter lovingly sucked on and kissed his neck alternatively. Neal wiggled back against Peter and Peter chuckled. “We might have time for that if you promise me you’ll help me get the kids up and ready to go.”

The younger man nodded and turned over so he could look up at his husband with a sleepy, yet very happy, smile on his face. “I promise I can do that.” He glanced at the clock on his nightstand and realized Peter had woken him up two and a half hours earlier than they’d initially planned on getting up. He gave his husband a curious look and said, “Why do I _need_ to wake up so early?” Peter gave him a sheepish smile and looked away for a few moments. “If you don’t answer, I’m going back to sleep for two more hours.”

Peter muttered, “Because I’m horny and I thought you might be, too, considering you were touching yourself as it was.” Neal raised an eyebrow at him. “Your moans woke me up. You know how I feel about your sounds…” The younger man chuckled and realized that he was actually very hard. He assumed Peter was telling him the truth. After all, he’d been dreaming about making love to his husband in Paris. He wasn’t going to push Peter into anything by any means, but he loves that Peter asked him because it proved to him that Peter trusts and loves him immensely—to the point where he’s willing to give his own body to Neal. “We have plenty of time if you feel up to it.”

Neal smirked and said, “Just tell me which way to position myself and I’m all for it.” Peter grinned at him and laid on his back before gripping Neal’s hands to gently tug him closer. Neal crawled over to him and straddled him eagerly. He leaned down to kiss his husband as Peter gripped his hips. He could feel Peter’s erection against him and he wanted to laugh because Peter had enough precome to lubricate him as soon as he pushed in. “You really are horny,” he teased as he teasingly rubbed himself against Peter. He elicited a quiet moan from his husband and he enjoyed just how hard Peter was while pressed against him. They hadn’t connected just yet, but Neal knew it wasn’t going to be an issue at all once they started.

“Part of me wants to shove right into you and make you scream my name, but the other part of me wants to make love to you gently and still get you to scream my name.”

As Neal’s heart pounded excitedly in his chest, he said, “I’m waiting for you,” and leaned forward, planting his hands in the pillows on either side of Peter’s head. “I want you so badly.” Considering he’d just woken up, he wasn’t expecting to feel so horny. Then again, that came with simply being a man—and with sharing his bed with an attractive man of whom he loves very deeply.

Neal lifted himself up a bit and Peter didn’t hesitate to move with him, sliding into him. They’d made love several hours ago prior to falling asleep, but Peter was intrigued by the fact that Neal felt so relaxed. He didn’t make any sound of pain when Peter slid into him without preparation. Neal wiggled his hips around and Peter moaned and groaned alternatively. “Oh, yes…”

Fifty minutes later, Neal was still hovering over his husband. They were both breathing heavily while pecking each other’s lips slowly, lovingly. “I wish I could keep you inside of me forever, Peter…” Peter nuzzled his nose against Neal’s because he loved when Neal said things like that. He likes knowing that his husband is happy, satisfied, and wants more. He felt like his only purpose in life now was to give his family every ounce of love he possesses—not that he’d have difficulty doing that considering his babies are the loves of his life.

“Well, you wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things if I stayed inside of you,” Peter murmured. “No cooking. No playing with the kids. No driving. No—”

“But imagine all the lovemaking twenty-four-seven.” Peter chuckled and rolled his eyes. Neal giggled and whispered, “Do you know how much I love you and how happy I am because of you?” Peter pretended to be curious about that as he shifted them onto their sides so they were facing each other. “I love you more than I can tell you and I’m happier than I can show you.” He took Peter’s hand in his and intertwined their fingers. “Every time I look at you, I know I’m lucky. I’m thankful for the fact that you and I met, that you and I are in such a serious, loving relationship with each other. I’m thankful for being the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. I’m thankful for the poppa you are with our little ones. I’m—”

Peter rolled them over so he was hovering over Neal now and he began to make love to his husband again, eliciting quiet cries of pleasure. He kissed his husband passionately, swallowing up his sounds. One of the best things Neal could ever tell him—after ‘I love you’—was that he was thankful for him. Neal considered himself lucky, but Peter figured he didn’t realize how lucky Peter feels to have him. When their lips separated, they both gasped. “Oh, baby,” Peter moaned. “I love you so much…”

Neal let out a slightly louder sound when Peter gave him one hard thrust before continuing with his usual rhythm. “Love…you…”

The younger man tried to say a few other things, but he was in ecstasy and nearly incoherent. Before Neal had the chance to wrap his arms around Peter’s neck or torso, Peter grabbed Neal’s hands and held them up on either side of Neal’s head, pressing them into the pillows. He was getting a little rough with his husband, but he rubbed his thumbs over Neal’s hands as a subtle way of assuring Neal that he loves him. In addition to that, Peter was kissing and sucking on Neal’s neck and he made sure he rubbed their bodies together every now and then so Neal could feel essentially every part of him.

When Neal began to pant, Peter whispered, “Are you going to come?” Neal nodded. His eyes were closed and his lips were parted. His fingers were also wrapped around Peter’s tightly. “Say my name,” Peter murmured. “Say my name, baby…”

“Poppa!”

The two men startled and Peter immediately stopped, glancing to his left to see that, once again, their son had come into their bedroom while they were in the middle of their bedroom activities. Neither of them had moved even as Joey began to climb up onto their bed. “Damn it,” Neal whispered.

Joey plopped down onto the bed beside them and smiled at them sleepily. He glanced at Neal and happily said, “Daddy. I sleep here.”

Neal smiled at their son even as Peter lowered his body closer to Neal’s and began to slowly continue making love to him. “You can sleep here,” Neal said softly.

“Poppa,” Joey whined. Peter focused on their son and he could see that his son was upset. “My daddy.” He crawled closer and Peter improvised by pulling Joey into his arms as he straightened up without separating his body from his husband’s. “Poppa!” he giggled.

Peter couldn’t exactly make love to Neal the way he wanted to with their son in the room, but one look at Neal gave him the impression that Neal honestly wouldn’t mind if they had to cut off their lovemaking a bit. Neal looked so happy as he watched Peter hold Joey. Peter kissed Joey’s face all over, eliciting quiet giggles from the toddler as he said, “Nuh uh. He’s my daddy.”

Joey extended one arm towards Neal and said, “Daddy! My daddy!”

Neal chuckled as he watched his husband lovingly. Peter eventually did separate their bodies and he laid on the bed with Joey set between them as he tickled their son’s stomach. “He’s my daddy!” Peter whispered as he grinned at their son. He kissed Joey’s stomach and Neal couldn’t help laughing himself. Joey’s laughter and giggles were infectious.

A short while later, Joey was asleep against Peter’s chest, snoring quietly. Neal was watching his husband rub their son’s back and it honestly thrilled him to no end to watch Peter. He’d worn Joey out with the whole ‘my daddy’ thing that continued going back and forth until Joey was breathless and exhausted from all of his laughing. “I love you. I love that you love the kids.”

Peter smiled at him. “Of course I love the kids. I love them as much as I love you.” He lifted his hand off of Joey’s back and caressed Neal’s cheek. “My daddy,” he said quietly with a teasing smile on his lips. Neal giggled at him and kissed Peter’s palm. Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s lips slowly, thinking about just how much he loves this man. Sometimes, this all felt surreal. It was very fortunate that Neal was still alive, let alone that Neal was still in love with him after losing his memory. He knew he could’ve lost Neal forever after bringing Neal home.

As Neal looked at his husband and let Peter rub his thumb against his lips, he could tell Peter was thinking about something that was a little upsetting. He didn’t want to watch Peter upset himself, but he also couldn’t figure out why Peter was thinking about something that would bring him down. Everything was just about perfect between them. “What’s wrong?” he eventually asked, feeling the need to ask his husband outright what was bothering him.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Peter whispered. “Just thinking about something.”

“Care to share, my love?”

Peter didn’t answer at first. It seemed like he was collecting his thoughts before saying anything aloud. “I’m just thinking about how easily I could’ve lost you.” Neal’s brows furrowed. “I took you and your love for me for granted and that’s one of my biggest regrets. In the time we had together before your memory loss, I didn’t appreciate you as fully as I would have liked to. Even now, after the fact, I still feel as though I’m not fully appreciating you.” He met his husband’s gaze and saw the sadness in Neal’s eyes. “You’re everything to me. A lot of things that I’ve done since bringing you home fail to express how much you mean to me, but I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I don’t want to live a life without you.”

Neal took Peter’s hand away from his face and held it, intertwining their fingers. “Do you honestly think I want to live without you?” Peter didn’t answer right away, so Neal continued on. “Peter, you brought me back to the place I belong. Memories or not, I’m yours. I’d still be yours even if I didn’t regain some of my memories.” Peter stared into his eyes and was relieved that he never had to find out if that were true or not. “I know things haven’t been perfect, but you’ve made me feel loved and I’m happy here. I love the life I have, Peter, and you’re part of my life—one of the most important parts of my life.” Peter gave him a small smile in response as Neal squeezed his hand. “After everything, you and I are still together. You could have stuffed me somewhere, like a mental institution, very easily, but you didn’t. You didn’t want to put me somewhere you knew I wouldn’t want to be.”

“Because I wanted to take care of you myself. I wanted to be with you. Putting you somewhere else would have meant I’d given up on you—on us.” There was a brief silence between them before Peter whispered, “I could never put you in a mental institution. It wasn’t your fault that your brain was damaged. It wasn’t your fault that she abused you. It wasn’t your fault that you had a really hard time relaxing into the life you had before.” Neal closed his eyes, but Peter knew he was still listening. He wasn’t falling asleep while he was talking. “You didn’t ask to lose this life. You didn’t ask her to abuse you. You have never been the problem, honey. I understand that it was rough, losing everything and being thrown back into a family—a marriage. It was a huge shocker to find out that you and I are married, but finding out that we have three children together made things a little more difficult for you.”

Nodding, Neal whispered, “And look at me now.”

The positivity Peter heard in his voice made his heart pound. He absolutely loves how Neal’s entire attitude had changed. “Look at you now,” Peter agreed. “Our relationship is wonderful and you’re a wonderful father again. You were able to put your life back together.”

Upon opening his eyes, Neal whispered, “A life I wouldn’t have if not for you.”

•◊•

“Daddy, look!” Neal glanced at whatever it was that Joey wanted him to see. He followed Joey’s pointing finger and saw food coming towards them. Joey started bouncing excitedly in the seat beside Neal and Nicky was snickering a bit on his other side.

They’d boarded the plane and had everyone situated very quickly. Everyone was eager to get the hell out of here for a little while and Neal honestly couldn’t blame them—even himself. With all of the stress and tension he’d felt since rescuing Peter, he was more than happy to go on a vacation with the people he loves more than anything. “Dad, can I go to the bathroom?”

Neal glanced at his son and said, “Yes.”

Joey’s eyes widened as Nicky slid out of his seat and carefully made his way down the aisle to the bathroom. “Nicky!” Joey cried out when Nicky closed the door. “Nicky! Nicky!”

“Calm down, kiddo,” Neal said quietly. “Nicky will be right back.” Joey looked up at his daddy with tears in his eyes and Neal smiled softly at him. “Nicky’s just going potty. He’ll be right back, my little love.” Joey kept watching the door until Nicky finally emerged from behind it and was heading back to their seats. As soon as Nicky sat down, Joey grabbed his arm and kissed it a few times before nuzzling his face against it. “Someone missed their big brother,” Neal said endearingly as he watched his sons.

Nicky smiled down at the toddler and used his other hand to stroke Joey’s hair. “I wasn’t going to leave you, little guy.” Peter was watching the whole thing and he couldn’t help smiling. It was nice to see that Joey loves Nicky a lot, too. He could tell Nicky was thrilled. “I can’t imagine leaving you alone with poppa and daddy. You’ve already walked in on them too many times for a little person. I can’t imagine the things you’ve seen and heard.”

Neal reached out and smacked his son’s arm. Nicky cringed as Neal said, “Not the right time or place to talk about that.” Peter raised an eyebrow at his husband. Nicky shouldn’t have known about Joey coming into their room during their bedroom activities, which meant Neal had been talking to Nicky about it. Neal hesitantly glanced up at his husband’s face and could tell Peter wasn’t particularly thrilled by the fact that Neal talked to their son about Joey interrupting them. He wasn’t upset with Neal by any means. He just kind of wished Neal would’ve kept it to himself.

After that, Neal was a bit too quiet for Peter’s liking. He watched his husband and could see that Neal felt a bit guilty and embarrassed. Peter sighed and that gathered Neal’s attention rather quickly. “I’m not upset. You can talk to me, hon.” Neal nodded silently before lowering his gaze. Peter glanced at Nicky and realized Nicky had his headphones and music on. Slowly, Peter slid his left hand over his husband’s thigh. Neal raised an eyebrow and watched him. Peter moved a little closer to Neal’s slightly visible erection and gently rubbed over Neal, watching his reaction.

Neal closed his eyes and his lips parted. “Peter,” he whispered.

Peter kept touching him and began squeezing him gently. He leaned over and whispered in Neal’s ear, “I can’t wait to feel you inside of me.” Neal shivered in response and damned his husband for getting him turned on when he knew they wouldn’t be able to do anything for several hours—unless they managed to sneak away from their children and have a quickie in the bathroom…

“Keep touching me and you’re going to blow me right here,” Neal whispered in response. Peter chuckled and moved his hand away from Neal’s erection, resting his hand on Neal’s thigh. He looked at his husband and Peter was excited by the sexual hunger he could see in his eyes. It’d been quite a while since Neal had made love to a partner. He was typically a bottom, but didn’t seem to mind the idea of topping just to try it out.

As much as Peter loves being inside of his husband, he’d wondered for a long time what it would feel like to have Neal inside of him. He just hadn’t given it any serious consideration since Neal, before his brain was damaged, had been absolutely opposed to the idea of topping Peter.

Brie grabbed Peter’s hand and he glanced at her just as snacks were brought over to Nicky. Joey was so excited and Neal watched him bounce eagerly. Brie pointed in that direction and Peter looked over to see Nicky passing snacks over. “Ah.” Neal handed him a bag of cookies and he was forced to take his hand off of Neal so he could grab the bag and open it for their daughter. “Here you go, princess,” he said as he handed her a cookie. She gleefully accepted the cookie from her poppa and began to eat it as soon as she could.

In a matter of moments, the five of them each had their own bag of cookies. Neal opened Joey’s for him and Nicky was eating his own—as was Brie now. Neal opened his and began to eat with Peter watching him intently. Without really knowing or understanding why, Peter enjoyed watching Neal eat. When Neal pulled his second cookie out of the bag, Peter decided to play with him a little. He leaned over and snatched it up with his mouth before Neal could put it in his own. “Well, that was mature of you,” Neal said as he laughed a little. Peter grinned at him as he ate what would have been Neal’s cookie. Neal rolled his eyes and shook his head as he reached into the bag for another one. Once again, Peter snatched it out of Neal’s hand with his mouth and ate it while Neal stared at him. “I’m gonna kick your ass if you take another one of my cookies, Peter Michael Burke.”

“Yes, you are.”

Nicky rolled his eyes then and turned his music back on. “I’m going to shove my foot—”

“No, you’re not.”

Neal smirked at him. “Just you wait. If you take another cookie, I’m going to punish you,” he whispered seductively.

Peter leaned closer and nipped at Neal’s neck. “Punish me, baby.”

“Can you stop being so damn disgusting?” someone asked from behind them.

Neal grabbed Peter’s arm as Peter spun quickly. “What exactly are we doing that’s disgusting?”

“The PDA is unnecessary. It’s really inappropriate with children on the plane.” Peter was glaring at the man and Neal had to beg Peter to let it go when the man felt the need to add, “I don’t want my kids to be homosexuals like you two.”

Nicky didn’t realize his fathers were getting into it with another passenger until he glanced over and saw Neal grabbing Peter and tugging him back so he couldn’t get out of his seat and go into the aisle to start a physical fight. “Homosexuality isn’t a disease, you jackass. My husband and I have three kids of our own.”

The man glanced at Nicky then and said, “I bet he’s a gay just like you two.”

Whether or not Nicky identified as gay or straight, Peter wasn’t going to allow some ignorant ass to talk about his son. “Peter,” Neal pleaded quietly. “Peter, please.”

“The sexuality of my son is none of your business. It’s his life to live and only he can live it.”

The man scoffed and snapped, “Bet that’s what you tell him when you molest him just like every gay man molests a child.”

Neal’s eyes widened as Peter managed to break away from him. He jumped out of his own seat and wrapped his arms around Peter in an attempt to keep him from beating this man to a pulp. “God damn it, Peter,” Neal said. “Please stop.”

Nicky took his headphones off and said, “Poppa, don’t.”

“ _Please,_ ” Neal whispered. The man was clearly baiting Peter and, unfortunately, Peter is kind of a hothead when it comes to his family or sexuality being insulted.

“There’s five of you?” a woman asked. Neal and Peter both glanced at the woman who chose to speak several seats ahead of their own. “Switch with us. This ignorant fool isn’t worth getting kicked off of your flight with your kids.” Neal heaved a sigh of relief and slowly released his husband. Peter moved to gather Brie and the stuffed penguin she brought onto the plane with her while Neal went to grab Joey. Nicky stood up and moved with them as the man muttered homophobic things about him and his fathers.

Neal, as he was passing the woman, whispered, “Thank you so much,” as gratefully as he could. The last thing he wanted was for Peter to get into a physical fight on the plane and get himself arrested. He also didn’t want their kids to see Peter act that way.

The woman smiled at him, resting a hand on his arm before moving with her own three children and husband to take their seats. The Burkes took their new seats and Peter was trying to calm himself down before he finally looked at his husband. Neal was looking at him concernedly. “I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

“You didn’t upset me,” Neal assured him. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt or arrested, Peter.” Peter nodded and took his hand, intertwining their fingers tightly. “What he said did upset me, but he isn’t worth it. You and I know he was just being a prick. We love each other and we love our children to death. What he said was disgusting and inaccurate, so don’t even give him the time of day, Peter.”

Peter sighed and nodded. “I can’t believe there are still homophobic assholes among us. I hope they’re a dying breed.”

Neal whispered, “He’s not homophobic.” Peter stared at his husband incredulously, wondering if he and Neal heard the man say the same thing. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. He’s just an asshole.” Peter smiled a little and nodded. “Claiming themselves a homophobic person is just a front so they don’t have to admit that they know they’re assholes.” Neal lifted Peter’s hand and kissed his wedding ring. “You and I have everything a man and woman have—romantically, I mean. I know we’ve tried to get me pregnant, but I don’t think it’s going to work, babe.”

Peter chuckled. “I love you.” He leaned over and kissed Neal’s cheek. Neal smiled at him in return. “We’ll get you pregnant someday. I guarantee it.”

After having dealt with the asshole and shuffling into new seats that another family had given up for them, Peter and Neal were back and forth with the twins, taking them to the bathroom or attempting to get them another snack. It seemed like a never-ending cycle of: “Daddy, I need to go potty” and “Poppa, I hun-gy.”

Eventually, Neal ended up taking both twins into the bathroom to give Peter a break—and since both of them decided they needed to go at the same time.

Peter glanced over at Nicky and saw the sympathetic smile on his son’s face. “I wonder if I acted as annoying as they are when I was their age.” Peter chuckled. He honestly didn’t know, but Neal also didn’t get aggravated beyond his breaking point when it came to children. “They aren’t even bugging me for things and they’re getting on my nerves.”

“Perks of being a father,” Peter said quietly. “You get to raise little monsters and watch them turn into bigger monsters.”

Smirking, Nicky said, “So am I a big monster?”

“Hell yes.” Both of them laughed quietly together. “I’m sure you were kind of a pain in the ass, but you turned out just fine. Dad and I are really proud of you, kiddo.” Nicky knew that already, but he always loved hearing it nonetheless. “You’re a good kid with a fantastic heart. Dad and I couldn’t ask for a better son—and older brother for the twins.”

Nicky grinned broadly and that made Peter’s heart skip a beat. Seeing his loved ones happy always thrilled him and gave him a sense of accomplishment.

Both of them glanced up as Neal returned with the twins. Peter watched his husband’s face and could see that he was a little irritated. “No more kids,” he muttered. “As much as I love them, we aren’t having any more.”

Peter chuckled and Neal gave him a glare that would have killed him if Neal possessed that kind of power. “What happened?”

Neal grabbed his own shirt and pulled it out a bit to show Peter that it was partially soaked. A little lower, Peter could see that Neal’s knees were also wet. “As Brie was going potty, Joey decided to mess with the water in the sink. Needless to say, I had to clean up the mess as quickly as I could.” Peter helped Brie into her seat and Neal placed Joey into his before plopping down into his seat beside Peter. He crossed his arms over his chest and muttered, “Three is enough. _Twins_ are enough.”

Despite the fact that Neal was definitely irritated with everything that transpired in the bathroom, Peter knew that Neal would adopt another child in a heartbeat. Neal absolutely loves children and, though Nicky is the only one who would be his biological child, all he wanted to do was make the lives of his children—adopted or not—better. If they so chose to adopt again in the future, Peter knew Neal wouldn’t hesitate. It just wasn’t in his nature to turn down the opportunity to help a child in need.

The twins hadn’t exactly been in need when they were born, but Neal knew how it felt to be alone and he’d learned about being abandoned and put into foster care and such from Mozzie. If the opportunity arose, Neal wouldn’t refuse it.

Sliding an arm around his husband’s shoulders, Peter kissed Neal’s cheek and whispered, “You’re the best daddy ever.” He kissed Neal’s cheek several times until he finally got Neal to laugh and smack him playfully. “My favorite daddy in the whole world,” he whispered in Neal’s ear. The first time had been an innocent statement regarding Neal’s relationship with their kids. The second statement, however, was definitely sexual. Neal smirked at him and Peter swore Neal was sexing him up with his eyes. “I wish we had somewhere we could go…”

Neal nodded and sighed. “I do, too. I want you really bad.” Peter nuzzled his face against the side of Neal’s. “Doesn’t even matter which way. I just want to feel you.”

The younger man glanced over to his left and watched Joey play with his wedding ring. As Neal smiled lovingly at their son, Peter knew he was right about Neal. He knows what kind of man his husband is. Despite Neal’s past, Neal is a family man. Had he been raised properly, who knows what kind of man he’d be? As a rape survivor who had a child through a drunken affair and was forced to take in that child after the mother died in childbirth, Peter couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Neal is as normal and wonderful as he is. He thought it was pretty astonishing, really. It was better than the alternative though. Neal could have become the monster who’d tortured him, but he’d chosen to be the man, father, and husband he is right now. Among other things, Peter was very proud of him for choosing his own path in life.

Joey began to chew on Neal’s wedding ring and Peter chuckled at that. The ring was a symbol of their love for each other and the fact that Joey was chewing on it meant, in Peter’s opinion, that that ring symbolized their love for their children as well. “Does somebody like daddy’s ring?”

Joey, while still slobbering over Neal’s ring and chewing on it a bit, looked up at his poppa. Peter smiled when Joey’s face lit up and he laughed. Joey’s laugh was one of the most beautiful things Peter’s ever heard—which also included the laughter of his husband, their oldest son, and their daughter. In addition to the beautiful laughter of his babies, he also loved their giggles—especially Neal’s.

For the next few hours, the two men took turns taking the twins to the bathroom since they, apparently, had to go at least a hundred times each. Nicky was napping while they were trying to keep the twins in their seats. Eventually, Joey had hit Nicky because he wanted Nicky to play with him, so, naturally, Nicky had to wake up and play with his brother since that seemed to calm him down a little. Peter had taken his watch off and gave it to Brie so she had something to play with aside from her stuffed animal. All three of the kids seemed entertained, so Peter and Neal leaned together closely, holding each other’s hands while lovingly stroking the other man’s skin with their thumbs. Neal smiled as he watched Peter stroke his skin. When they arrived in Paris and settled themselves into their suite, he and Peter could enjoy the amount of skin they could touch on each other’s bodies.

By the time the pilot announced that they were landing in Paris, both men let out a sigh of relief and muttered, “Finally…”


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes begin to enjoy Paris together.

Neal and Peter dragged all of their and their children’s luggage up to the suite Peter had booked for them and they were relieved upon finally reaching it. Several hours on a flight with two toddlers had tired them out considerably—Neal more so. Nicky went into the room he’d be sharing with the twins and they joined him eventually after their fathers placed their luggage in the room, unpacked the twins’ toys, and made sure the two of them didn’t need to go potty again.

The second Neal and Peter were in their portion of the suite, Neal flopped down onto the bed and immediately closed his eyes. Peter smiled at him endearingly before taking a seat on the bed. “Look at my beautiful, exhausted baby,” he whispered as he leaned over to rest his head on Neal’s back. Neal was smiling a little. “If you need to get some sleep, I would definitely recommend doing so now, hon. The twins will be occupied by Nicky for a little while since they’re getting their room set up.”

“Don’t want to fall asleep,” Neal murmured.

“Take a nap,” Peter whispered. “I’ll wake you up in a little bit, lover. The kids kept you active for quite some time on the plane while I sat on my ass and watched.” Neal reached back and Peter didn’t hesitate to take his husband’s hand in his own. “It won’t hurt you to get a little sleep before we go out and explore Paris with the little monsters, honey.”

Sighing, Neal whispered, “Can you at least cuddle up with me until I’m able to pass out?” Peter smiled and shifted, lying beside his husband. He wrapped his arms around him and held him close as he kissed Neal’s hair gently. “You’re always so warm,” Neal murmured against Peter’s neck. “Your warmth makes me feel good…”

Peter chuckled and whispered, “Rest, my love. I’m not going anywhere unless a little person decides to come barreling in here.” Neal smiled as he nuzzled his face against Peter’s skin. Peter would’ve preferred to cuddle with Neal naked, but he knew how exhausted his husband was and he decided that it’d be best to let him sleep. If Neal were rested after this, their naked time would be fantastic during the night.

Rubbing Neal’s back, Peter listened to Neal’s breathing until it evened out and he began to snore softly. Peter smiled and closed his eyes. He loved listening to Neal snore because he thought it was cute—one of many things he could consider cute when it came to Neal. Peter could feel Neal’s warm breath on his skin, hear Neal’s soft snoring, and he also felt the rise and fall of Neal’s back and chest. Everything Neal ever did was beautiful to Peter. Everything Neal did signified that Neal is alive and Neal’s life meant everything to him.

Before they left New York, Peter hadn’t told his husband about a nightmare he had. In his nightmare, Neal was dying in such an agonizing way. He’d woken up after watching his husband die in his nightmare and immediately broke down as he’d twisted and pulled Neal closer, holding onto him as though he never intended on letting him go. He was terrified to lose Neal, but he felt like nothing would take Neal from him now. Everyone who’d been out to get Neal or had been against the two of them was now dead. The war was won in Peter’s opinion.

Just as Peter was beginning to doze off to his husband’s sounds, he heard a bunch of commotion from the kids’ room. Groaning, he gently shifted Neal off of him. He made sure his husband was comfortable before pulling the blanket over him, tucking it in around his body. Leaning forward, Peter kissed his husband’s hair sweetly. When he stood back and looked at the younger man, he fell in love all over again. Knowing what Neal looked like when he was exhausted, when he was worried, when he was in pain, and a whole slew of other looks, Neal’s face while sleeping was one Peter loved immensely. He looked so at peace—more at peace than he’d ever looked early on in their relationship.

As much as he loved the man who’d survived rape and suffered daily because of his psychological scars, he loves the man before him—the man who didn’t want to depress himself or bring his family down with him. Peter had been prepared to live with Neal’s scars that were both physical and mental because his love for Neal outweighed everything else, but knowing that Neal wasn’t going to let his past haunt him any longer made him hopeful for their future. There was no constant wonder if Neal were going to go off the deep end for one reason or another and commit suicide. When Neal did get depressed, he didn’t seem suicidal either.

Peter stared at his husband sadly because he could remember how terrified he’d been to think that he would wake up one morning and Neal wouldn’t be there—wouldn’t be alive anymore. He’d never been around someone so suicidal until he met Neal, but he absolutely understood why Neal felt as suicidal as he did. He’d never blamed Neal for feeling the way he felt.

The man in front of him was a stronger man. Even though some of his and their memories were lost, Neal hadn’t let it set him back or destroy him. He wanted to move on, to get away from his past and the man he’d been before. As much as he’d loved the man Neal had been before, he was so proud of Neal for willing himself to be better than that—because he knew he could be. Peter had encouraged him as best he could, but it was Neal who did all of the legwork.

Peter would’ve loved to keep staring at Neal and think about him, but the twins started yelling in the other room as Nicky was trying to calm them down. Quickly, Peter headed into the kids’ room and found Nicky pulling Joey into his arms. Joey was crying and his hand was over his nose. He looked up at Peter and cried, “Poppa! Poppa, up!”

Nicky lifted Joey up a little and Peter neared him so he could pull the toddler into his arms. “What happened?” he asked his oldest son. Joey moved his hand then and Peter could see that Joey had a bloody nose. “Oh, for the love of God… Did Brie hit him again?”

The teenager nodded. “I think they were fighting over the ball.”

Sighing, Peter rubbed Joey’s back. “I’m going to clean up his nose. If you can, keep her quiet, buddy. Daddy’s sleeping.” Nicky raised an eyebrow at his poppa. “The little ones exhausted daddy on the flight. I told him to get some rest.” Nicky smirked a little as he looked away from his poppa. “Oh? What’s that all about?” The teenager giggled and Peter’s heart fluttered at the sound. “You must think about what dad and I do in bed more than we think about it.”

“I highly doubt that,” Nicky teased. “If you and dad didn’t think about it a lot, you wouldn’t get physical so much.”

“I haven’t had the chance to in over twelve hours.”

Nicky grinned and said, “I think you’re due for an explosion then.” It was Peter’s turn to raise his eyebrow. “How are you still functioning? You and dad have to—”

Peter rolled his eyes and said, “That’s enough out of you, you little brat.” Nicky kept grinning. All Peter could see was Neal in their son. He loved seeing Neal grin like that, so he could see a lot of Neal when he looked at Nicky. “I’m going to clean your brother up.” He headed out of the kids’ room and went into the bathroom. Glancing at his son, he murmured, “Your sister sure knows how to beat you up. I can’t imagine the things you two will do when you’re older.” He set Joey down on the sink countertop, held him close, and grabbed the nearest washcloth. Holding the washcloth against Joey’s nose, he could see the way his son was looking at him.

“Love poppa,” Joey said quietly. “I love you.”

Smiling at the toddler softly, Peter said, “Poppa loves you, too, little guy.” He leaned forward to kiss his son’s forehead. “Poppa loves you a lot.”

Peter took care of Joey’s nose, cleaned him up, and pulled him into his arms. “Ouchies, poppa. Nose ouchies.”

Nodding, Peter murmured, “I know, kiddo. You’ll be okay though.” He kissed Joey’s nose as he carried the toddler back into the bedroom. Peter wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation. Brie wouldn’t understand Peter if he scolded her for hurting her brother again. Nicky was sitting on the floor with Brie, keeping her calm as Peter had asked of him. “This little one’s okay now. How’s that one?”

“Quiet, fortunately,” Nicky said with a light laugh. “I want daddy to rest, too.”

Peter smiled and closed the door. “Then we’ll let daddy rest and keep ourselves occupied.” He set Joey down and sat down himself, leaning forward to grab the blue ball the twins had been fighting over when Brie hit Joey and gave him a bloody nose. He figured that they wanted to play with it if they fought over it, so he also figured he could keep all three of the kids busy by playing with them for a little while.

•◊•

The two men were walking along the Seine, hand in hand, as they watched their kids mess around in front of them. Nicky would chase after his brother and sister, the toddlers would giggle and laugh like mad, and then they’d calm down after a few moments. Neal and Peter loved watching them and didn’t feel the need to interfere unless one of them got hurt or something bad happened. “Should we take them dancing?” Neal asked his husband. “They have plenty of energy that we need to burn off before bed tonight.”

Peter chuckled and nodded. “I wouldn’t mind heading over there. You and I had fun the last time we danced here.” Neal smiled silently in response. “Well, after that French bastard left anyway…” Neal glanced up at his husband as he squeezed his hand. He remembered Peter’s jealousy and admired it. “Kids,” he called out, watching the three of them immediately freeze up and turn around to look at them as though they’d forgotten their parents were following them. “Daddy and I have somewhere we want to take you.” Nicky looked thrilled, but the twins didn’t exactly understand. They just returned to their fathers and followed them.

There was gentle music playing near the amphitheaters as there had been when the two men had come here for their anniversary vacation. The twins squealed excitedly when they saw several couples and children dancing in the area. The twins started dancing around their older brother and Nicky looked amused more than anything else since they were essentially stumbling around as though they were drunk. Either way, the twins were entertaining themselves and Nicky was hanging around them to make sure they didn’t run off.

Neal and Peter stopped walking and just looked at each other lovingly for a few moments. They glanced in their children’s general direction and laughed a little as they watched Nicky attempt to dance with the toddlers who were so much shorter than him. “I love this,” Neal whispered. “The kids are so happy, Peter.”

Peter was focused on his husband again and loved the pure joy he could see there. “And you?” he felt compelled to ask. Neal looked up at him, smiling softly at the older man. He shifted a little and tilted his face up so Peter could kiss him, which he immediately proceeded to do. One of Peter’s favorite things to do was kiss his husband. He liked feeling Neal’s soft lips against his and loved when he could slide his tongue against Neal’s lips—or between them.

The younger man had to reluctantly break their kiss before it got out of hand. He wouldn’t get embarrassed by having his husband ravage him in public, but he’d prefer to keep Peter’s fierce, sexy nature saved until later tonight. He’d make the most out of Peter’s eagerness when they were in bed together.

“I’m always happy,” Neal whispered, pecking Peter’s lips gently. Peter led him closer to the area where a few couples were already dancing together. As soon as they were close, they both moved in synchronization. Peter’s arms wound around Neal’s waist and Neal draped his over Peter’s shoulders. Neal soothingly stroked Peter’s hair and smiled at him as Peter gently and slowly rocked them. They couldn’t tear their eyes away from each other, but neither of them wanted to. “I love you,” Neal whispered. At this point, neither of them absolutely needed to express their love verbally. A single look said everything they needed to know.

“And I love you,” Peter murmured as he closed the distance between their faces, capturing his husband’s lips once more. He slid his left hand up and down Neal’s back, making sure he rubbed his ring against him. Neal’s arms drew back then and he pressed his palms against Peter’s pectorals. “Neal?” he whispered. Neal made a quiet sound to acknowledge him. “Thank you, hon.” Neal gave him a look of question, wondering why his husband was thanking him. “Thank you for being in my life and for staying in my life. I could never imagine having a life like this with anyone else.” He nuzzled his nose against Neal’s playfully and all Neal could do was laugh quietly.

Neal rested his forehead against Peter’s and said, “Don’t ever thank me for that. I’m here because I love you. I’ll always be here because I love you.” Peter tugged on him, pulling him as close as he could. Their bodies were pressed together and Neal could feel Peter’s erection. Peter loved when Neal said sweet things to him. As they turned, they rubbed each other and occasionally made sure they had an eye on the kids—who were enjoying themselves.

After several minutes, Neal and Peter began to tango as they’d done the last time they were in Paris together. They’d learned simply by watching others—or at least Neal had. Peter knew what he’d been doing thanks to Elizabeth and he had thanked her eventually. He was so focused on dancing to perfection with his husband that he hadn’t even noticed that their children were watching them—as were a few younger couples.

Peter was just focused on Neal’s smile, on Neal’s eyes, and on Neal’s body.

They moved as though they were one and Peter felt like they were.

Nicky sat down on the steps with his brother and sister to watch their fathers and he could see how in love they were. He’d always admired his parents’ love for each other because they inspired him. “Daddy,” Joey said as he reached out towards their fathers. Nicky was holding onto his brother because he wanted to watch Neal and Peter.

It was considerably obvious that they’d learned how to dance together at some point. Nicky figured his poppa taught his daddy how to do it properly because Neal never had a dancing partner. He didn’t know when they would’ve had time to continue practicing it considering how well Peter was leading and Neal was following. They never once tripped over each other’s feet and they spun effortlessly. Nicky was even stunned when Peter effortlessly lifted Neal into the air at certain points in their dance. It was rather impressive in the teenager’s opinion. While it was a beautiful dance, it was very sensual and Nicky could see that both of them enjoyed dancing together.

When they finally finished, they were breathless and pressed closely together. They were smiling broadly at each other because they’d lost themselves in the moment. Peter was holding Neal’s hand in one of his own, but his other arm was wrapped around Neal’s waist. “I’m really glad you taught me how to fine tune that dance,” Neal whispered.

They put a little distance between themselves and noticed that others had been watching them, including their kids. Nicky finally let the twins go and they darted over to their fathers excitedly. Peter picked Brie up and Joey was immediately in Neal’s arms. Nicky joined them and grinned at them both. “Guess we put on quite the show,” Peter said amusedly. There were two young women standing beside each other and they looked so taken by Peter and Neal’s unintentional performance. They’d only meant to dance simply to dance, but it seemed like people who didn’t exactly know the dance were impressed by them.

The women began to chatter in French before smiling at the two men and taking off, hand in hand. “I think they recorded you guys dancing because you were so good,” Nicky said. “I bet they haven’t seen a gay couple dance together here, which is partly why they were so enthusiastic about watching you.”

Peter and Neal honestly didn’t mind if a couple of ladies admired them. If they inspired other couples—same-sex or otherwise—to enjoy displaying their love for each other in public, then that was fantastic.

“Daddy, I hun-gy,” Joey moaned. Neal smiled at his son before meeting his husband’s eyes.

“Poppa?” Neal asked, lifting his eyebrow in such an adorable way.

Peter smiled softly at the younger man before shifting his focus onto their son. “I’d hate to let my little guy starve,” he said endearingly as he kissed Joey’s forehead. Nicky loved seeing his parents like this. He remembered when Neal held him like that and he wished he could be held by him again. Neal always held him so sweetly and lovingly. Nicky would give anything to be Brie and Joey’s age again just so he could fit into his father’s arms.

Then again, with that in mind, Peter wouldn’t be in his life. It would have been just him, his daddy, and his Uncle Mozzie. He honestly couldn’t imagine life without his daddy, but that was also true when it came to his poppa.

“Come on, kiddos. Poppa and I know where we can take you guys.” He shifted Joey in his arms before they all started heading to the nearest restaurant, the one he and Peter went to before.

•◊•

Peter was lying on the bed as he waited for his husband to come back into the room. They’d tucked the kids in and Neal was in the bathroom for whatever reason—and he’d been in there for quite some time now. Despite that period of time in which Neal was in the bathroom, Peter’s erection was still raging. He’d already gotten undressed, so all he needed was his husband’s body beside him in bed—and then eventually beneath him. After their tango earlier, all he’d wanted to do was make love to his husband.

In a way, Peter felt like Neal was stalling for some reason. They’d had sex before getting the kids up so they could head to the airport for their flight, but, as he’d told Nicky, it’d been several hours now. They’d danced, went to dinner, played outside a little while longer, and then they’d gone to the Eiffel Tower. The Eiffel Tower was one of two things Nicky was excited for when he heard about his fathers planning to take him and the twins on a vacation to Paris.

They waited until it was a little darker before arriving at the Tower because Neal wanted the kids to see the lights he and Peter had seen. Needless to say, the kids were thrilled beyond words. When they returned to the suite, Nicky discovered that there was a pool in their building and he begged his fathers to take him and the twins down there the following morning. When Neal said that they would, Peter had to find five bathing suits. He’d gotten sizes from Neal before darting out quickly. Four trunks and a one piece bathing suit later, he had a very happy husband and enthusiastic children.

As soon as the bathroom door opened, Peter was immediately focused on him. Raising an eyebrow, Peter noticed that Neal had cleaned himself up a bit. “I don’t see the point in any of that because you know I’m just going to dirty you up anyway.”

Neal gave him a small smile as he shrugged. He was only in his lingerie as he approached the bed. “I didn’t do much,” he admitted. “I just wanted to shave since you felt the need to make a comment about my stubble when we came back.”

Peter rolled his eyes and muttered, “Baby, you had to have known I was messing with you.” Neal stopped at the end of the bed and frowned at him. “What’s wrong?” he asked concernedly, pushing himself up into a sitting position.

“I had a flashback when I was in there,” Neal whispered. “That’s why I took so long.”

The older man immediately moved to the end of the bed. Neal stood between his legs and held Peter’s hands as he kept his eyes on Peter’s. “Do you want to talk about it? You know I’m always here for you, sweetheart.” Neal shrugged silently and lowered his gaze. “Don’t do that,” Peter pleaded quietly. “Don’t try to shut me out like this. I don’t care what it was, honey. I’m here for you. I will always listen to you.”

Sighing, Neal rubbed his thumbs over Peter’s skin. “I accidentally cut myself when I was shaving,” he admitted as he lifted his head a little to show Peter that he’d nicked his jaw. Peter tentatively took his right hand out of Neal’s and lifted it to gingerly touch the area Neal had cut. “I swear it wasn’t intentional.”

“I believe you,” Peter whispered, making eye contact with his husband to assure him that he didn’t think Neal had cut himself on purpose. “Did that trigger something?” Neal nodded silently. “Was it Vincent?” He nodded again. “I’m more than willing to listen to you, Neal,” he said softly. “I’m your husband and I never want you to go through anything alone if I can be here for you.”

Neal’s jaw tensed and Peter wondered if he’d upset Neal somehow. Perhaps he was being too pushy and making it seem like he was _demanding_ that Neal talk to him about whatever had upset him in the bathroom when he’d cut his jaw. “It was a fuzzy memory, but I know it was him,” he said angrily. “I was in my bedroom and he came in… He told me to undress myself or he’d hurt my mother.” Peter nodded, watching Neal’s fury build up. “Naturally, I did as he asked, but I wasn’t as fast as he wanted me to be. I guess he had some kind of knife and he’d aimed for my neck or my cheek—I honestly don’t know which—and ended up slicing my jaw.”

Peter gasped quietly as Neal shut his eyes tightly. He was holding Peter’s hand tightly, so Peter was fully aware of his husband’s feelings on the matter. “I guess that explains one scar under your jaw…”

Neal laughed mirthlessly as he opened his eyes. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Craig’s rope burned most of those scars into my skin, but this one…” He showed Peter the exact scar he was referring to. “This one was Vincent.” He focused on Peter’s eyes and he could see the sympathy, love, and anger in his chocolaty orbs. “He hurt me worse than I accidentally hurt myself, but I can’t really remember what happened after he cut me.” He figured he’d been raped, but he didn’t care to think about it. Vincent is dead and he doesn’t believe he has a reason to look further into his painful past if he didn’t need to. “It just bothered me. I didn’t break down and I’m not going to break down. I was just upset with the fact that his face chose to haunt me in that particular moment.”

“I understand,” Peter whispered. He stroked his finger over the scar Neal had just shown him and he sighed. “If I could go back in time, I would stop him from ever doing these things to you. I would have stopped him from raping you. I would have prevented all of your suffering.”

The younger man smiled sadly. “I wouldn’t be the man I am nor would I have the family I have if it weren’t for my past. That includes everything Vincent put me through.” Neal had said that before, but Peter hated it regardless. He believed Neal would be exactly who he is and have all of this if he hadn’t been raped. He’d never thought it was fair that Neal had to suffer. “I know my past was painful and it was a very difficult time in my life that continued to haunt me for well over twenty years, but I’m happy with my life. I have a husband who loves me and three beautiful children with said husband.” Peter looked away from him because he couldn’t accept that. He didn’t want to thank Vincent for raping Neal so Neal could be with him and share a family with him. “I’m happy now, Peter. I made it through all of that pain and now I’m getting the happiness and love I’ve always deserved.”

Peter looked a little surprised by what Neal just said. He hadn’t expected Neal to adamantly state that this happiness and love was exactly what he deserved because it’d never been Neal’s mentality before. Neal always doubted that he could keep Peter’s love and that doubt corrupted him, forcing him to believe that he’d make Peter unhappy and lose Peter, which would ultimately result in his own unhappiness. “I hope I’m giving you more than enough happiness and love,” he whispered.

Nodding as he leaned forward, Neal whispered, “I have everything I could ever want in my life.” He pecked Peter’s lips a few times before murmuring, “I regret nothing. Everything I went through has led me to this point—to you and to our children.” He lifted his left hand to stroke Peter’s own jaw. “My life is perfect. I’m happy and I’m surrounded by people who love me. What more could I possibly ask for?”

The older man stared up at his husband longingly because he wanted to give Neal more happiness and love. Neal was telling him that there was no doubt about his happiness or about how loved he is, but Peter felt like it wasn’t good enough because he believed Neal deserved more. “I want you to have all of the stars in the sky,” Peter said quietly. “I want to give you everything I possibly can so you don’t have to remember all of the pain those bastards put you through, Neal.”

Without really giving it much thought, Neal began to whisper, “All the pictures that hung in my memory before I knew you have faded and given place to our radiant moments together.” Peter couldn’t help smiling at his husband. “Now I cannot live apart from you.” Neal realized he was speaking without thinking, but he was relieved by the fact that he was saying something meaningful. “Your words are my food, your breath my wine…” Neal proceeded to kiss his husband softly before whispering, “You are everything to me.”

Chuckling, Peter whispered, “I believe that was Sarah Bernhardt if I’m not mistaken.” He captured Neal’s lips for another kiss before saying, “You’re definitely still my Neal. I always loved how you effortlessly and perfectly quoted something that fit the situation or conversation. This was no exception to the little quote game Mozzie brought you into.”

“It just felt like something I should say and I didn’t give it any thought,” Neal admitted. “I just…said it.” Pausing for a moment, he proceeded to whisper, “Nonetheless, I meant it.”

Peter whispered, “I know you did, honey. I don’t doubt you at all when you say things like that—and quote something that clearly expresses your thoughts.”

Neal felt better already. His brief memory of another instance of abuse from the period of time he’d spent with Vincent was pushed aside and he focused on the here and now—with his husband. “I love you so much, Peter. You really are everything to me.” Of course their children were everything to him as well. There was more than enough room in his heart to love his children and husband equally.

“I suck at quoting meaningful quotes, so may I please physically express my immense love for you?” Peter asked. He’d spoken so softly and Neal knew Peter wasn’t simply horny and eager to love him through the bedsprings. It was never just sex between them, but this definitely split sex and lovemaking. What Peter just asked definitely meant he wanted to make passionate love to Neal.

“Absolutely,” Neal whispered in response, grinning at his husband. Neal giggled when Peter’s arms slid around his waist and Peter pulled him onto the bed. They both made themselves comfortable position-wise and Peter began to suck at his husband’s neck as he held Neal’s left hand in his right. He wanted to touch Neal’s wedding ring and keep in mind that Neal is _his_ husband and _his_ soulmate.

As Peter made extremely passionate and intense love to his husband, Neal could undoubtedly feel the endless and powerful love Peter felt for him. If he ever doubted Peter’s love for him, moments like this would be the key moments in which he would remind himself that Peter loves him wholeheartedly.

Peter had always claimed Neal’s body as tenderly and passionately as he claimed Neal’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote that was inserted into this chapter was recommended by a FanFiction reader, i12bscttsh, quite a while ago and I've just found a decent part for it to fit into! 
> 
> I apologize for taking so long with these last few chapters. Thank you all very much for being so patient.


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few things aren't carried out as smoothly as Peter and Neal hoped they would.

Neal woke up the following morning to feel Peter rubbing against him. Smiling a little to himself, he could feel Peter’s erection. In all honesty, he liked waking up like this. Knowing he is attractive to his husband always makes him feel good about himself. Peter was more than likely acting like this because he’d had a sexual dream of his own, but it could just be that he wanted to wake his husband up so they could start off the day in a very, very good way. “Good morning,” Neal murmured. Peter didn’t startle, but he did drape his arm over Neal to rub his stomach.

“Good morning, baby,” Peter said softly, kissing his husband’s shoulder. “How’d you sleep?”

Neal turned over to lie on his back and he stared up at the older man, smiling at him happily. “Good, of course. Very good.” Peter kissed his husband moments after that. It was quiet and they were up a little early, so he was hoping they’d have time to themselves before the kids woke up. “How did you sleep, my love?” Peter shrugged playfully and Neal smirked in response. “Smartass.”

Chuckling, Peter kissed Neal’s nose. “Of course I slept very well and happily because I had my warm, soft husband right here.” He took Neal’s right hand in his own and intertwined their fingers. All they could do now was smile at each other, expressing their love for each other with their eyes. Words weren’t necessary. In a crowded room full of people, all it would take was one look to tell the other man that he loved him. “Neal?” The younger man made a quiet sound of acknowledgement. “Do you think we could make love before the kids get up?”

The younger man grinned and nodded. “Absolutely.” Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, he said, “We have at least forty-five minutes before the little ones are awake. Nick won’t wake up for another two or three hours.”

Peter smiled at him lovingly as his eyes trailed over all of the love bites he’d given Neal the previous night. He’d bitten Neal’s neck, his shoulder, and his chest. Neal hadn’t complained once and Peter knew better than to look apologetic or guilty for enjoying everything Neal was allowing him to do. There was also a hickey on the other side of Neal’s neck. Tracing his fingers over each mark on Neal’s body, Peter whispered, “I like these.” Neal’s eyes lit up, which made Peter’s heart pound. “I like making sure you know you’re mine.”

“How could I possibly forget?” Neal asked happily.

Gently, Peter nibbled at Neal’s jaw. Neal laughed a little as he did it, so he chose to freeze and tease his husband. “Seriously? I’m trying to be all sexy and hot with you and you’re… _laughing?_ ” Neal kept grinning. Peter went back to his previous action and Neal laughed lightly again. “Oh, you’re gonna get it,” Peter said playfully. “Don’t laugh when I’m trying to be sexy. I know I’m not very good at it…”

Neal rolled his eyes. “You’re the sexiest man I know, Peter Michael. I just like the way it feels.”

Peter kissed Neal’s cheek before pausing. “Hon?” Neal looked up at his face, meeting his eyes. Neal could see the look of uncertainty in his husband’s chocolaty eyes. Furrowing his brows, he gave Peter a look of question. “What would you think if I asked you to…make love to…me?” Neal didn’t answer at first, nor did he give Peter any indication as to what he thought about Peter’s question. Peter realized Neal was analyzing him to see if he were serious about this or if he were too afraid to go through with this. “I didn’t want to come right out and say it, but I…want you.”

“I’m all right with it as long as you are,” Neal whispered. “You know I’ll never force you to do something you either don’t want to do or aren’t ready for.” Peter nodded, knowing his husband was giving him an out right there. Neal was quiet after reminding Peter that he wasn’t going to do anything unless Peter was absolutely sure that this is what he wanted.

“Yes,” Peter eventually said, sounding surer of himself and of his decision. “I want this—you.”

Neal gave him a few moments before nodding. “Do you want me to go out and find lube and condoms?”

Peter stared at Neal incredulously. “Why would we need either of those things? You have saliva, don’t you? And why would we need condoms?”

Swallowing hard, Neal shrugged. “I’m just trying to make sure this will be comfortable and relaxing. I want to do everything I can to make the experience good for you.”

“No condoms. We have no reason to use them. You and I are monogamous, clean, and completely faithful to each other in every way.” Neal nodded silently. “I want you to make love to me as I’ve made love to you. I mean, let’s take it easy to start, but I want everything to be the same so I can feel the way I make you feel.”

“All right,” Neal conceded. They shifted around a little until Neal was straddling Peter’s waist and Peter was lying on his back, looking up at his husband. Leaning down, Neal began to kiss his husband lovingly, taking his time. Peter lost some of his arousal when Neal had mentioned the lube and condoms, so Neal was trying to get him fully erect again. Peter’s hands were on Neal’s shoulders and he was trying to let go of his dominant nature and needs.

Of course Neal had been atop him before, but Neal had never topped with him before. He’d never bottomed for anyone, so he was struggling to keep himself under control so he could give Neal complete control of the situation. Neal wasn’t making him uncomfortable by any means. In fact, he was enjoying the way Neal was kissing him and rubbing his chest. Neal slid his fingers over Peter’s right nipple and rubbed around the nub until it hardened. Neal knew what he himself liked, so he was trying to do what he thought Peter might like.

Neal slid his mouth away from Peter’s and trailed kisses down the side of Peter’s face until he reached Peter’s neck. Tentatively, he sucked at his husband’s throat the way Peter sucked on his. Peter made a quiet sound, but it was a sound of pleasure. Neal made sure he was able to discern whether or not Peter was comfortable with what he was doing. If Peter, for even a moment, didn’t seem to like what Neal did, Neal would stop immediately and either change tactics or stop completely.

After several moments of stimulating Peter using his throat, shoulder, and eventually the scar on his chest, Peter was rubbing himself against Neal’s body, clearly expressing that he was as hard as he was going to get. Neal was a little nervous as he took the hint. Sliding down his husband’s body, he trailed kisses along Peter’s warm skin and simultaneously covered himself up a little as he slid underneath their blanket. Peter tangled his fingers in Neal’s hair, which was something he loved to do regardless. “Are you okay?” Peter whispered as he watched his husband.

Glancing up at the older man, Neal said, “I’m perfectly fine. Just…thinking.” Peter stroked Neal’s hair gently, hoping Neal would tell him what he was thinking about. “Peter, I don’t know if I’m going to do what’s most pleasurable for your body or not. I don’t want to do something that immediately makes you feel uncomfortable.”

“What’re you thinking about doing?” Peter asked curiously.

Neal glanced down and slid his left hand over Peter’s hip. “Well, I like when you lick me…” He left it at that, watching his husband now to see his reaction. Peter was thinking about it as well because he honestly had no idea if he’d like it or not. Thus far, he liked everything Neal had done to pleasure him. As far as Peter could tell, Neal was doing everything nearly identically to what he does to Neal’s body. The lower Neal went, the more anxious he became because he wasn’t quite sure what Peter was expecting of him or if Peter would like whatever he does.

Peter whispered, “All we can do is try. If I don’t like it, I’ll let you know.” Neal nodded hesitantly. “Neal, you’re able to do whatever you want to do. I’m giving myself to you, honey. If there’s something I don’t like or don’t want, you know I’ll tell you right away.”

“I do know that,” Neal said. “I just don’t want to mess up…”

The older man lifted his other hand to caress the side of Neal’s face. “Baby boy, don’t worry, okay? You’re with me. You’re not going to traumatize me if you do something I don’t like. It’ll… It’ll just be a learning experience.” He rubbed Neal’s cheekbone, smiling at his husband lovingly. “I’m in love with you and I trust you with all of my heart, Neal. I am giving my body to you because you’re my husband and because I know you’ll treat me with as much respect as I do you.”

Neal managed a smile then, appreciating Peter’s positivity. “Should I give you a blowjob first or just go straight to licking you?” Peter swallowed hard. “There’s no rush. This is what we need to do. We need to talk about this. This is for us, love.”

Peter nodded. “Lick me. If it turns out that I don’t like it, at least you already know I love having your mouth around me.” Neal chuckled. “If you’d rather not start out like that, you could…probe me with your fingers first.” Neal gave him a look, letting him know that he wanted Peter to make the decision since Peter’s body was on the receiving end this time. “I don’t know, honey. Just…slowly build up to it.”

Basing his thoughts around Peter’s uncertainty didn’t make things any easier for him. He went about licking around Peter’s abdomen, stomach, and eventually around Peter’s erect cock. As he was doing all of that, he’d allowed Peter to take his right hand and suck on his middle and index fingers. Peter made that move and Neal wasn’t going to deny him whatever he wanted. “I’ll be gentle,” he whispered as he rested his head on Peter’s thigh and focused on Peter’s face. “Just be sure to talk to me, Peter. You’ve always listened to me and made me feel comfortable, so I’m giving you the same courtesy and respect.”

Neal gently spread Peter’s legs and kept his eyes on Peter’s face, watching him. Lowering his right hand, he tentatively rubbed his fingers along the outside of Peter’s hole. Peter made a face that had Neal pausing immediately. “It’s…an interesting feeling. It isn’t bad or anything. I’m actually kind of interested in feeling something inside of me.” Neal laughed quietly and proceeded to slowly slide his middle finger into Peter’s hole. He made sure he didn’t do it too quickly because this was the first time Peter ever felt anything inside of him.

Peter’s eyes were locked onto Neal’s and he began to pant as Neal slid his finger further and further into him. “Talk to me,” Neal pleaded.

“It’s…weird, for lack of better terminology.” He made a quiet sound as Neal’s finger slid as far into him as it could. Neal slowly pumped his hand back and forth just to test it out. Peter’s brows furrowed as he looked at Neal’s face. It felt strange to Peter because of the fact that he’d never had a single thing inside of him like this. “Move your hand a little faster?” Neal nodded and increased his speed slightly. Peter closed his eyes and moaned. Neal raised an eyebrow as he twisted his finger while pumping into and out of his husband’s body. “Second finger?”

Neal did so without hesitating. Peter was reacting well to this, so he was going about it as normally as he could. He began to make slow scissoring motions with his fingers, opening his husband. Peter moaned a little louder and the sound went straight to Neal’s own cock. “Jesus,” Neal whispered. “Now I know why you get so horny when you hear my sounds.”

Peter chuckled, lifting his head enough to look at Neal, watching the concentration on his husband’s face. “Do you think I’m open enough?” Neal paused and shrugged. “Neal, you’re allowed to look at my ass.” Neal’s face heated up as he did that. He hadn’t meant to make it seem like he didn’t want to look at his husband’s body as he pumped his fingers. Sliding his fingers out of Peter, he said, “I think you’ll be fine. I’m not as thick as you are.” Peter rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m not,” Neal said as he laughed. “That works to your benefit, my lovely anal virgin.”

Now it was Peter’s turn to get a little flustered. Peter’s cock had jumped at that, which made Neal smirk up at him with an eyebrow raised in a teasing manner. “Can you try licking me first? I kind of want to know how that feels before I actually feel you.”

Neal nodded because he didn’t see an issue with that. Thus far, Peter was doing very well in his opinion. Neal shifted his body around until he was lying on his stomach. He didn’t hesitate to readjust Peter’s body so he could tentatively slide his tongue around the outside of Peter’s hole. Peter shuddered as Neal teased his hole with his tongue.

Moments later, Neal was slowly sliding his tongue into Peter, licking around the rim and dipping into Peter’s body alternatively. Peter seemed to like that if Neal were listening correctly. “Mm?” Neal moaned and Peter knew it was a questioning moan. Without pulling away, Neal wanted to know what Peter thought or felt.

“I like it,” Peter admitted. Neal could tell that that was the case when Peter subconsciously began to move his body to meet Neal’s tongue each time Neal thrust it into Peter’s body. “This honestly isn’t as bad as I imagined it would be. I like the way it feels.”

Teasing Peter’s hole a little longer, Neal listened to Peter’s pleased sounds. He wanted to make sure Peter was serious and telling him the truth. Thus far, it seemed like Peter was honest and upfront with him.

As Neal slid his tongue up to Peter’s balls and back down to tease his hole again, they didn’t realize their bedroom door had opened. Peter’s fingers were tangled in Neal’s hair and his head was thrown back against the pillow. Fortunately for them, Neal was actually beneath their blanket and out of sight.

Peter let out a quiet yelp when Neal playfully nipped at his left ass cheek. “Ouchies!”

Neal and Peter both let out a startled cry when they heard their son. Peter stared at his husband after Neal had quickly emerged from underneath the blanket and was now lying on top of him. Their faces were both as red as a tomato. “I thought you locked the door,” Neal hissed at him. Peter gave him a sheepish, apologetic smile. “Peter Burke… I swear you sabotaged your own—”

“Did not,” Peter said petulantly. Neal rolled his eyes and carefully slid out of bed as Peter brought Joey up onto their bed. Peter watched his husband go into the bathroom to wash his hands and more than likely brush his teeth quickly. Sighing as his son smiled up at him sleepily, he murmured, “It’s like you know exactly when poppa and daddy are trying to be intimate.”

Joey playfully swatted at Peter’s nose. “Daddy give you ouchies?” Peter’s face heated up once again. “Where ouchies, poppa?”

“Uh…” Peter cleared his throat and pointed at his wrist. “Right here. Daddy gave me ouchies right here.” Peter smiled as he watched Joey grab his wrist and plant sloppy, wet kisses on his skin. He thought that was the sweetest thing considering Nicky hadn’t been this young when he’d come into Nicky’s life—nor had he ever had this kind of experience with a young child prior to the twins.

Neal emerged from the bathroom and quickly slid back into bed, smiling as he watched his son and husband. “Better, poppa?” Joey asked even as he continued kissing Peter’s wrist.

Peter leaned forward and kissed Joey’s forehead. “All better. Thanks, kiddo.”

Joey grinned at him before meeting his daddy’s gaze. “Bad daddy. You no give ouchies to poppa.”

Neal mad a mock-offended expression. “I did not give ouchies to poppa.” He watched Joey grip Peter’s wrist and hold it out towards him. Neal inspected Peter’s wrist, raising an eyebrow at his son. “I don’t see any ouchies on poppa.” As Neal gave Peter’s wrist a kiss of his own, Joey smacked him. “Hey! That wasn’t nice, Joey.”

“You give ouchies to poppa!”

Peter chuckled and Neal smacked his husband’s chest. “Don’t encourage that,” Neal muttered. “I’ll get him to smack you back…”

“No more ouchies!” Joey whined, trying to shoo Neal away from Peter entirely. “Bad daddy.”

Raising an eyebrow at his husband, Neal said, “But poppa gave me ouchies, too.” Joey stopped and looked at his daddy in question. Neal pointed at his love bites and the hickey Peter had given him. Peter gaped at his husband moments before Joey smacked Peter’s chest. “Poppa gave daddy a lot of ouchies.”

“Bad poppa!”

Peter stared at his son and asked, “Whose side are you on, little guy?”

The two men could see the horror in Joey’s eyes as Joey shifted closer to touch the love bites on Neal’s skin. Neal only let him for a moment before he lifted Joey’s hand and kissed his tiny fingers. “Baby boy, daddy and poppa are just fine. No ouchies here, okay?” Joey was staring at the little bruises Peter had given him until Neal gently guided Joey’s face to make Joey look at him. “No ouchies, okay? Daddy’s okay. Poppa’s okay.”

Joey eventually laid down in between his fathers, loving the attention they were both giving him. “Definitely your kid,” Peter murmured. Neal smirked at his husband. “Look at him—all smiling and happy with all these little touches and kisses.” Peter loved the small laugh Neal let out. “He reminds me of his daddy so much because I know his daddy likes being touched and kissed sweetly, especially first thing in the morning.”

“Of course I love that,” Neal admitted. “It also helps the mood if the damn door’s locked.” Peter glared at his husband. “Yeah, mister. I’m convinced that you purposely left the door unlocked because you were hoping somebody would interrupt.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “What if I told you that I thought you locked it, mister ‘please fuck me against the wall since we just showered’?”

Neal smacked his husband’s ass. “Watch your language.” Peter smirked at him. “I remember you fumbling around with the door after _you_ picked me up. It isn’t my fault if you didn’t lock it.”

“If your sexy ass weren’t so distracting…” Peter muttered.

“If it weren’t?”

“If it weren’t, I would’ve locked the door properly,” Peter said as he laughed. “I get lost in the moment with you. When you’re against me, you’re all I’m thinking about.” He reached out to gently slide his fingers along Neal’s bare arm, trailing down Neal’s side moments later. “I’m sorry that I didn’t lock the door. I didn’t intentionally sabotage this morning. I expected the kiddo to knock on our door, but I also thought I locked it. I take responsibility for not ensuring that our privacy was secured.”

Neal rolled his eyes now. “It honestly isn’t that big of a fuss. I’m teasing you, babe.” He glanced down at the toddler between them and said, “This little guy is a skilled cock-blocker. I don’t think we could stop him from interrupting us if we tried.” He met his husband’s gaze then and asked, “What?”

Peter bit his lip for a few moments before asking, “Do you think we could try again later? I liked everything you did.”

Smiling softly at his husband, Neal nodded. He realized Peter hadn’t been faking it nor had he been lying to him about enjoying what Neal had been doing to stimulate his body. Knowing that Peter was enjoying himself made him feel a little better about proceeding in switching up their sexual positions in bed. Of course, they’d have to wait until their cock-blocker was asleep and would remain asleep long enough for them to actually progress further in their new lovemaking experience before trying again…

•◊•

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?” Neal’s brows furrowed as he glanced over at his husband. He was helping Brie into her bathing suit when Peter asked him the question, but he didn’t understand why Peter asked him that in the first place. “I mean… You know I have no issue with any part of you, but… Are you comfortable being in public like this?”

Neal looked a little hurt by the question. “You think I’m going to hide my body and not join my family in a pool just because I have some ugly scars on my body?” Peter looked sick when he heard the pain in Neal’s voice. “If anyone actually cares to look, they can deal with it. It’s not like I’m going to visually scar anyone who looks at my body, Peter. They’re scars and I’m sure other people have them, too.” When Neal straightened up, he poked Peter’s chest roughly, accusingly asking, “Why aren’t you covering your scar up if you’re so worried about mine?”

Nicky watched his fathers nervously. He hadn’t thought this would create a problem between them. In fact, he thought it’d be pretty fun to play in a pool with them and the twins. “I’m not trying to tell you to hide your body, sweetheart. It was just a question.”

“I didn’t make a big deal out of my scars, so why are you?” Peter swallowed hard because he felt awful for bringing his concern up in the first place. “You have scars on your body and you’re perfectly fine with exposing them. Why should I be ashamed of my scars?” Peter looked away from Neal for a moment and that was the wrong thing to do—as Peter realized a moment later when he met his husband’s gaze again. “You know what, whatever. You take the kids down to the pool and I’ll just sit up here in the suite all by myself with my fucking scars.”

Peter gaped at his husband and tried to grab him, but Neal made his escape into their portion of the suite. He slammed the door and locked it, which meant he definitely didn’t want Peter to bother him right now. Turning to look at Nicky, Peter was immediately apologetic. “I didn’t mean to upset him,” he whispered. “I should’ve known it would though.”

Nicky didn’t say anything even though he wanted to tell Peter that he sure knew how to fuck up a good morning sometimes. Everything had been just fine until Peter asked Neal about whether or not he felt comfortable. He’d gotten himself in his swimming trunks and was just getting the kids ready before Peter ruined the mood entirely. “I could try talking to him,” Nicky suggested. “Maybe I can get him to come down with us…”

Mere seconds after Peter knocked on the door, Neal growled, “Go away, Peter.”

Peter frowned as he met Nicky’s gaze once again. “Let’s just leave him be. He knows where he can find us if he wants to join us.”

Peter took the kids down to the pool and hadn’t hesitated to get in before bringing the twins in as well. He held onto Brie and Nicky, fortunately, took care of Joey for him.

They played in the pool for quite some time, laughing and enjoying themselves. Peter had gotten Brie comfortable enough in the water to the point where she was able to float with his hands beneath her tiny body. Joey wanted to do that as well and Nicky did his best to imitate Peter’s actions, which worked.

About two hours later, the four of them were getting out of the pool. Peter glanced around, hoping Neal had come down, but hadn’t gotten in. Unfortunately, Neal was nowhere to be found. As great as things had been lately, Peter wished he didn’t have a track record of making a mess of things rather quickly after he’d managed to get them on an emotional high. “I think you really pissed him off,” Nicky admitted as they made their way back up to the suite. “For him to not even come down to watch, you definitely upset him.”

“Great. Thank you, Negative Nicky.” Nicky frowned and looked down at the floor of the elevator they were riding in. Peter glanced at him and sighed sadly. “I’m sorry. I’m upset with myself, too, Nick. I can’t really say I blame him for not wanting to come down. It would’ve been great if he came down just to watch you guys have fun, but I understand how sensitive he is to the stupid things I say.”

Nicky nodded. “It’s because of how much you guys love each other. What you say means a lot to him—whether it’s good or bad.”

As soon as they returned to the suite, Peter was disheartened to see that the door to his and Neal’s portion of the suite was still closed. It was completely silent and he wished he hadn’t hurt Neal’s feelings. He knew Neal had been excited about going down to the pool as a family. What made things worse was the fact that there honestly weren’t many people down in the pool as it was… His question was essentially irrelevant, but it hurt Neal nonetheless.

Peter went about drying off the twins and dressing them before allowing them to play with their toys. He left the kids’ portion of the suite once Nicky had come out of the bathroom dried off and dressed as well. Tentatively approaching the door to his and Neal’s room, he considered knocking, but he didn’t want to make things worse. Sighing quietly to himself, he nearly walked away until he heard his husband quietly say, “It isn’t locked.”

Evidently, Neal wanted him to come into the room eventually. Whether or not he was going to flip out on Peter wasn’t exactly important. He just wanted Peter in the room with him. Peter opened the door hesitantly. He peered into the room and saw his husband lying on the bed, facing away from him while dressed in a sweater and sweatpants. Looking at his husband in agony, Peter went into the room and shut the door. “You don’t have to dress like that,” he whispered.

“Why not? My body is an embarrassment to this family—and to you.”

“That isn’t true,” Peter said sadly. He quickly dried himself off before stripping his swimming trunks. Getting dressed wasn’t at the forefront of his thoughts in that moment, so he made his way over to the bed and crawled onto it, lying behind his husband. “I’m sorry, hon. I didn’t mean to say something stupid…”

Neal shrugged and muttered, “It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

Peter didn’t let that piss him off. He knew he was in the wrong for bringing up Neal’s scars in the first place. If anyone were to ask about them, Neal was likely to tell them to fuck off instead of get upset about the attention he was given for them. Neal wasn’t letting his past hurt him anymore and that past included his scars. Neal was fully aware of how he’d gotten most of his scars, but he chose to let go of his hatred and anguish each time he looked at himself because he didn’t want to live that way.

As per usual, Peter was impressed with the changes Neal made to his own life. Neal didn’t want to live in a world where every little thing bothered him. He didn’t want to think about his past when something so miniscule could trigger a memory. He wanted to live in the here and now rather than drift back into a long period of agony. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I should’ve known better than to ask.”

“Do they bother you?” Peter made a confused sound, which seemed to irritate Neal since his back tensed immensely. “Do my scars bother you?”

“No,” Peter said immediately. “I love you just the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing about you physically, Neal.” Neal relaxed then and Peter slid his arm over Neal’s body, tentatively rubbing Neal’s thigh. “You aren’t at fault for these scars. Your ex, your stepfather, that sick bastard, and another asshole were responsible for these.” Neal was silent, but Peter could tell that Neal agreed with him and appreciated that he’d said that. “I don’t think you are disgusting. What they did to you was sick and wrong, but they don’t lessen how beautiful and valuable you are to me as a man—as _my_ man.” Neal turned over to look at him and Peter proceeded to trace the scar on Neal’s back. Without seeing it or being able to feel it, he knew where it was. He knew Neal’s body better than Neal himself knew it. “You’re my Neal. No scar on your body will ever change that.”

Neal closed his eyes and shifted closer, nuzzling his face against the scar on Peter’s chest. “I love you…”

Peter smiled sadly as he whispered, “I love you, too. I always have and I always will. Nothing can change the way I feel about you.” He knew Neal sincerely appreciated that he’d said that and it was because Neal knew Peter meant every word of it. Even though he’d questioned Neal’s comfort when it came to exposing his scars to the public, Neal realized that it hadn’t been because he was embarrassed by his scars. Peter was just trying to protect him and make sure no one else hurt him because of them. He’d realized that shortly after Peter left with the kids, but he hadn’t joined them because he felt foolish for even getting upset with his husband.

“I’m sorry for getting angry,” Neal murmured against Peter’s chest.

Laughing quietly, Peter whispered, “I’m sorry for making you angry.” He rubbed Neal’s back and held him close, smiling a little more genuinely when Neal pressed gentle kisses against the scar at the center of his chest. “I’m going to do my best to not fuck up your good mood for the duration of this vacation. I want to spend it happily with you and the kids. If I upset you and you don’t want to be around me, it’s time I’ve wasted because I didn’t spend time with you the way I want to.”

Neal hugged him, believing that Peter was going to attempt to refrain from making another comment that would upset him. When Peter made a comment that resulted in him shaving, he hadn’t gotten upset. The questioning of Neal’s scars had upset him though because he’d believed Peter loved him as he is rather than loving him based on his physical attractiveness. If that were the case, his scars would’ve knocked a few points off in that particular category…

That wasn’t the case though. Peter isn’t solely attracted to Neal’s physical appearance and he’d never once ridiculed or put Neal down for his scars, especially since the majority of them weren’t even his fault.

Peter held him close and Neal could feel Peter’s heart pounding against him. Peter loves him for who he is and he knows that. “I’m not going to waste any more time avoiding you,” Neal whispered. “I want to spend time with my family.”

Neal laid against Peter, feeling and listening to Peter’s heartbeat as he continued rubbing his face against the scar at the center of Peter’s chest, just above his heart. That scar could have had a completely different outcome and Neal appreciated the scar simply because it showed him that Peter had survived—and continued to share each and every moment of their days together.

Avoiding each other right now was foolish and he remembered doing that during their anniversary vacation as well.

For the duration of this vacation, he had every intention of making the most of his time with his husband and their children. No more drama. No more issues. Just a whole lot of love and enjoyment.


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter have a few more issues that they work on resolving.

By the time night rolled around, Neal was exhausted. He’d chased the twins for a good portion of the day while Peter watched and thought it was adorable. Neal was actually pissed at Peter for not helping him with the twins, but he decided it wasn’t worth arguing over. Instead, he chose to menacingly demand that Peter give the twins a bath when they returned to the suite. Peter, in that moment, realized he’d done the wrong thing yet again, so he immediately agreed to give the twins their bath. While Peter was doing that, Neal was lying in their bed. He was nearly asleep, but the laughter of the twins and of his husband kept him partially awake. Nicky already said good night to his fathers because he wanted to go to bed early since they planned on visiting the Louvre—the second place Nicky couldn’t wait to see.

Neal began to drift in and out of sleep until he felt the twins jump on him. They were making cheerful sounds as they kissed all over his face, shoulders, and back. Peter stood beside the bed and chuckled, smiling at three of his four loves endearingly. “Night night, daddy,” they whispered to him.

Peter watched his husband push himself up just enough to give the twins kisses of his own. “Good night, my beautiful babies.” He hugged them both. Even though the two of them had been pains in the ass earlier in the day, he loved them with all of his heart. He stroked Brie’s hair before stroking the side of Joey’s face. Caressing his son’s cheek, he said, “You stay in your bed, young man.” Joey only giggled in response. Peter laughed quietly as he shook his head. Glancing up at his husband, Neal said, “It’s daddy and poppa time.”

As Peter tucked the twins into their beds, Neal shifted on the bed so he was lying on his back. He wasn’t quite sure if he felt up to doing anything physical with Peter at the moment because of how tired he felt, but he didn’t want to disappoint Peter either. He began to mess with the engagement and wedding rings on his left hand before Peter rejoined him quietly. Neal only stopped when he heard the door lock. The click of the lock was unmistakable. Of course Peter made sure the door was locked when Neal wasn’t feeling up to anything... Even as Peter joined him on the bed and began to kiss his neck lovingly, he felt tired. “Daddy and poppa time,” Peter whispered against his husband’s jaw, nipping at him playfully. “I’m surprised you aren’t already undressed…” Neal sighed, which made Peter pause immediately. Lifting himself up enough to meet Neal’s gaze, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just tired,” Neal admitted.

Naturally, Peter felt like that wasn’t solely the issue. Furrowing his brows, he asked, “Do you not want to make love to me after all?”

“That isn’t what I said,” Neal said firmly. “How did you manage to get that out of me saying I’m _tired?_ ” Peter frowned at him and Neal let out a frustrated sigh. “I knew you were going to get upset with me if I told you I’m exhausted. Lay down and we’ll get started.”

Peter grabbed Neal’s hand as Neal sat up. “Hon, don’t. I’m sorry. If you’re tired, you’re tired.” Neal looked at him exasperatedly. “I’m sorry for even questioning you. I understand, honey.”

Neal snapped, “Maybe if you helped me control the kids once in a while, I wouldn’t be so damn tired.” Peter stared at him in silence, knowing he shouldn’t have been laughing when Neal was chasing the twins around earlier. “I wouldn’t be so upset if we had one little kid to run after. We have _two_ and you know how they get.” Smacking Peter’s chest, he added, “Especially when you start laughing. All that does is encourage them to misbehave. They almost ran into a street, Peter Michael Burke. Would you have laughed if they were killed?”

Gaping at Neal for a moment, Peter said, “Why the hell would I think that’s funny? Losing two of my children wouldn’t be funny, Neal, and you know damn well that I’d be heartbroken without them.”

“Really.” Peter gave his husband a look of question. “How can you be so heartbroken without them if you aren’t even willing to help me keep them close so we don’t lose them?”

Peter bristled at that and said, “Hey. I took all three of them down to the pool and nobody drowned. While I was enjoying some time with the kids, you were up here. You were moping and lying around in bed while—”

“Because you upset me!” Neal snapped. “Christ. All you’ve done today is upset me. You made me feel inadequate by suggesting that I should feel uncomfortable in my own scarred skin and then you proceeded to let my anxiety rise off of the charts while I made sure _our_ two year olds didn’t get themselves killed every single time they ran towards the street because _you_ thought it was just so damn hilarious.”

“It wasn’t like you asked me to help or said you were—”

Neal hit Peter’s chest again and growled, “Do I really need to _tell_ you to help me take care of _our_ children?” Peter glared at him and Neal felt compelled to add, “If I need to tell you to do your job as their father, then what the hell good are you?”

Silence loomed over them until Peter said, “You’re right.”

Making a sound of frustration, the younger man snapped, “No. Don’t use that as a copout. This isn’t about me being _right._ ” Neal turned over and Peter was left to stare at Neal’s back. “This is about you needing to be responsible for your own children. Mommy can’t take care of everything, you know.”

Neal wasn’t expecting Peter to smack his ass, so he yelped louder than he would’ve liked. “Don’t do that. I’m not trying to make you feel like a mother hen or anything like that. I’m sorry for not helping you when I should’ve. They’re as much my kids as they are yours and I apologize for not stepping up.” Neal laid on his back and stared up at his husband sadly. “I know I’m acting like a dick a lot lately and I’m sorry, Neal. I’ve always been a dick to you. I don’t think before I speak nor do I think about how I could possibly make you feel when I speak.”

“I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for you,” Neal whispered. “Why can’t you help me with the kids? Why do you feel like you can criticize parts of me that I have no control over? I’m scarred, Peter, and you knew that a long time ago. If that bothers you so much, then I don’t understand why you think I’m attractive.” Peter frowned at him, but he couldn’t speak because he didn’t have the right words to express his feelings for Neal. “And those three beautiful children in the other room are our children, Peter. I was a single father once and I’m starting to feel like that again at times. You’re here, but you just…watch everything happen. You let me act like an overbearing asshole parent because you think everything they do is so fun—”

“I’m an idiot,” was all Peter said to interrupt his husband. “I say so many thoughtless things to you and I know I’ve hurt you. No apology will ever fully make up for the pain I’ve caused you since we got together. All I do is put a band-aid on the situation and then I rip it right off a moment later.” Neal could see that Peter felt awful. He was debating on ending this right now, but Peter kept talking to him quietly. “I’ll eventually learn to think first, speak second. I hope that I never say something so asinine to make you think I don’t love you anymore. Christ. I can’t even imagine losing you because of some dumbass comment I made.” He paused for a moment. “I’ve actually almost lost you several times in the past because of a dumbass comment I made. I never would’ve blamed you for walking away from me. Your happiness has always been my priority and I know I’m not the best source of happiness for you…”

Neal shifted closer to Peter and pressed his head against Peter’s chest. “You really are an idiot sometimes,” he whispered. Peter closed his eyes and mentally prepared himself for the ultimate rejection. He figured this was the moment when Neal would finally tell him he was sick of this—of this life, of this life with him. “How can you say you’re not the best source of happiness for me? You dumbass. I’m so happy with you even though you say things that really piss me off.”

Peter opened his eyes and stared down at Neal incredulously. “Damn, baby. Tell me how you really feel.”

The older man chuckled a little when Neal punched his abdomen lightly. Neal wasn’t trying to hurt him. It was just his way of telling Peter to shut up. “You’re a smart man, but you sure can be a dumbass at times, Peter. I love you so much that I’m more than willing to try to work things out with you before calling it quits. You know I don’t plan on calling it quits, so I don’t know how you’ve come to the conclusion that you don’t make me happy.”

Peter laid down and pulled Neal closer, loving the fact that Neal rested his head on his chest. “I’m just a big fuckup at times. I don’t know if I’m just a terrible man and husband or if I’m having all of these issues because I pretended to be straight for so damn long that I still don’t know how to treat a man right.”

“You know how to treat me right,” Neal muttered. “You aren’t a big fuckup either. You do or say some things that you shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean you’re a royal fuckup.” He gripped Peter’s hip gently and closed his eyes as he listened to Peter’s steady heartbeat. “Why would I give up on committing suicide if you weren’t a source of happiness for me? Why would I feel so comfortable sharing my body with you if you didn’t make me happy?”

“Maybe you’re an idiot, too.” Neal lifted his head off of Peter’s chest and glared at his husband. “Oh, God damn it.” Peter quite literally smacked himself right in the face and subsequently groaned angrily. “See? Just call me Special Agent Fuckup.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Hey, Special Agent Fuckup.” Peter looked at Neal sadly. “I love you to death.” He could tell Peter was starting to disbelieve him. “I do. I love you to death.” Peter looked away from him and Neal said, “Uh uh. You look at me,” as he gripped Peter’s chin and made Peter look up at him. “Don’t you dare turn away from me. There’s absolutely no reason for you to ever do that. I love you with all of my heart even though you say things I don’t like.”

“Why are you allowed to turn away from me and I’m not allowed to turn away from you?”

“You let me turn away from you,” Neal said immediately. “You didn’t stop me like I just stopped you.” Peter realized that Neal was, once again, correct. “I am admittedly very sensitive to everything you say to me and I am fully aware that that is one of my biggest flaws. You, on the other hand, are sensitive to my feelings when you think you’re the cause and that everything you do is wrong. I need to stop being so damn sensitive to every little thing and you need to understand that you don’t do everything wrong.” He kissed his husband and appreciated the fact that Peter tried to keep him right where he was so their kiss would last longer, but he pulled away because he wasn’t done getting his point across. “There are _so_ many good things between us, Peter. You’ve done so much for me than I can’t thank you enough for. Romantic dates, dinners, lead-ups to lovemaking… You can be very romantic without even trying and I think it’s incredibly sweet.”

Peter sighed. “Woohoo… I’m good at dates, dinners, and sex, but I absolutely suck at everything else.”

Neal made such an irritated sound that it actually frightened Peter for a moment. “I could just smack you right now,” he snarled. “You’re _not_ just good for dates, dinners, and sex. You’re the man who has always taken care of me. From day one, you showed me that you cared. Remember the mess I made when I just started working with you? You showed me that you understood my situation and you showed me that you cared about how frustrated and flustered I was by helping me clean up and by saying kind things to let me know your thoughts supported your actions.”

“Because I love you…”

Nodding, Neal smiled at him. “See? Things aren’t always bad. You helped me cope with my past, you helped me get through everything I endured with Vincent and Craig during my time with you, and you’ve done a million other things for me that I can’t even begin to list because it’s such an immense list.”

Peter sighed again. “Are you just sucking up to me so I’m happy?”

Neal swatted Peter’s face gently. “Stop that. This isn’t sucking up. I have absolutely no reason to suck up to you.” Peter lifted his left hand to caress the side of Neal’s face and simultaneously rub his wedding ring against Neal’s skin. “I’m being completely honest with you, Peter. I’m trying to show you that you don’t treat me like shit all the time. Things aren’t perfect between us, but you and I wouldn’t be able to overcome our issues and differences if things were perfect. We need to clash a little here and there so we can recognize how we both handle something because it’s a learning experience for us. We learn to adapt to each other in more ways than one. That’s why we’re still together and _happy._ We don’t let stupid things tear us apart and ruin all of the years we’ve spent together.”

“How do you effortlessly say things I need and want to hear?” Peter whispered, staring at him in awe.

Smiling a little, the younger man said, “Because I know you. I know you’re a wonderful man and I know you _are_ a source of happiness for me. I’m the person I am today for a lot of reasons and one of those reasons is you, Peter.” He kissed Peter again and allowed Peter to hold him close and lengthen their kiss. When they parted, they stared at each other breathlessly. “When I look at you, I’m happy. I’m happy because I know you love me and that you genuinely want to be here with me. I can see that we aren’t together because you pity me and my past. You’re happy to be here, which suggests that I make you happy.” Peter nodded silently. “Why would I want to share children, a bed, and a life with you if you didn’t make me happy?”

Peter didn’t have an answer to that because he knows deep down that he does make his husband happy. “I’m sorry that I don’t do everything right. I’m sorry that I wasn’t fulfilling my role as your husband and our children’s father.” He lifted his other hand to stroke Neal’s hair gently, whispering, “I can’t promise I’ll stop acting like such an idiot at times, but I can promise that I’ll try harder to make sure this is worthwhile—to me, to the kids, and to you.”

“As long as you’re in my life—and the kids’ lives—all of this will be worthwhile.”

The older man stared into his husband’s eyes and was relieved to see that Neal wasn’t acting as though he were faking this genuine happiness and appreciation. Even as Neal initiated their next kiss, he could almost taste Neal’s genuine feelings.

•◊•

Neal breathed shakily beneath his husband as Peter made love to him. He was trying to keep himself quiet, but Peter was very passionate about their lovemaking. He was on his hands and knees with Peter arched over him, but Peter kept planting gentle kisses against him and Peter continuously rubbed his wedding ring over Neal’s chest to remind him that he loves him even though they aren’t looking at each other.

He gasped as Peter became a little rougher than he had been moments earlier, but it was a pleased gasp rather than a startled gasp. “Oh, my God…” he whispered. “Peter, _yes._ ” Peter gently nipped at Neal’s shoulder before kissing where he’d bitten his husband. Peter had to admit that he loved his husband’s sounds. The pain Neal was experiencing was intertwined with pleasure, which elicited Neal’s needy sounds.

“Lie down?” Peter whispered in his ear once he’d realized Neal’s arms were trembling. Neal immediately laid down on his stomach without separating their bodies and Peter considered asking Neal to flip over. “Baby, can you look at me?” Much to his surprise, Neal didn’t groan at the loss of Peter’s length as he turned over to lay on his back. Perhaps it was because Peter immediately slid back into him as soon as Neal was comfortable in his position. “There’s my beautiful man…”

“I love you,” Neal whispered. Peter kissed him immediately after he said that. He rubbed his body against Neal’s as he made love to him. Each time his chest met Neal’s, he could feel Neal’s pounding heartbeat. “I love you,” he repeated as a few tears managed to escape his eyes.

Peter kissed Neal’s tears and whispered, “I love you, too.” Peter, for a split second, believed he’d hurt his husband, but then he realized it wasn’t pain that made his husband cry. It was the fact that they were making love together, that they were together in general. Neal was sensitive to their passion and Peter supposed that was a good thing because Neal then knew for certain that Peter loves him wholeheartedly. Pausing for a moment, he kissed Neal’s nose, cheeks, and eyelids when Neal closed his eyes. “You look so beautiful,” he said softly, watching Neal open his eyes. “How did I get so lucky? My husband is a beautiful man and person. My husband has a beautiful heart and soul…”

Neal smiled up at him, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulders. “It isn’t a matter of luck,” he said. “This is what you deserve. You deserve a man who will love you the way I love you. I know I’m not perfect, but my love for you is undying, Peter. As you’ve told me in the past, nothing can change the way I feel about you.”

The older man’s lips met Neal’s and he initiated a gentle, yet passionate, kiss with his husband. Neal’s arms slid around his neck and he rubbed his legs against Peter’s skin slowly. “I’m so grateful for you,” Peter whispered against his lips. “I know I fuck up so much, but my love for you is one thing that remains constant regardless of the situation.” Neal bumped his nose against Peter’s because he knew that. “The fact that you’re still here—that you still want to be here is incredible. I never would’ve blamed you if you felt like walking away from me…”

Messing with Peter’s hair a little, Neal murmured, “How could I possibly walk away from you? I don’t want to live without you.” He kissed his husband this time and then he laid his head down on the pillow so he could stare up at _his_ handsome man. “I’m sorry that I get so uptight and overly sensitive. I hope you know I love you too much to just…give up on us, Peter.”

Peter smiled softly at his husband. “If you didn’t love me as much as I love you, we wouldn’t be an _us._ ” Neal nodded, agreeing with that wholeheartedly. Slowly, Peter resumed their lovemaking. He kissed his husband repeatedly, swallowing up his beautiful sounds as he made love to his beautiful body.

The sounds they made were full of passion and desire. As always, they said each other’s names when they orgasmed, but they didn’t yell out. They whispered in each other’s ears and proceeded to kiss for quite some time thereafter, enjoying each other’s presence while continuing to physically express it in a simplistic way.

Neither of them realized when exactly they fell asleep in each other’s arms. They’d gotten comfortable while cuddling and Neal had been the first one to drift off while Peter smiled and watched him sleep before falling asleep himself.

When Peter woke up the following morning, he kissed Neal’s forehead gently, sighing contentedly. He was relieved because he hadn’t upset Neal to the point where Neal couldn’t stand being in the same room with him. In the end, as per usual, they talked about some things and were okay very shortly thereafter. As he laid there, staring at his beautiful husband, he could hear little feet bounding across the floor in the other room. This time, he sighed because he knew he had to get out of bed now. As much as he would’ve preferred to stay in bed with Neal, he knew he needed to show Neal that he can be as much of a father as Neal is.

Sliding out of his husband’s hold, he pulled his underwear on, followed by his sleep pants. He headed over to the bedroom door, unlocked it, and opened it to find his toddler son standing right in front of him. Giggling up at him, Joey whispered, “Hi, poppa.”

“Hello, my handsome little man,” he said softly as he bent over to pick the toddler up. He held Joey against him and proceeded to close his bedroom door so Neal could get some rest. “You hungry, kiddo?” Joey nodded, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. “Let me see if we have some waffies…” Joey perked up immediately and raptly watched his poppa’s movements until he saw Peter pull out the waffles. Joey clapped excitedly before kissing Peter’s face. Peter laughed quietly in response, smiling at his son. “I thought you might like that.”

Not too long after Peter put waffles in the toaster in their small kitchenette, Nicky emerged from the room he shared with the twins. “Nice hair, pops.” Peter turned and raised an eyebrow amusedly at his son. “It’s wild this morning—just as wild as last night.”

Peter’s face heated up. “Yeah. Well… If you think my hair’s wild, just you wait until you see your dad’s hair.” Nicky grinned at him. “I thought you were supposed to mind your own business, buddy.”

Nicky rolled his eyes. “It’s really hard to mind my own business when you’re yelling at each other.” Peter completely forgot about the fact that his son probably overheard their argument because they hadn’t been particularly quiet about it. Nicky sidled up to Peter and crossed his arms over his chest before sobering up a bit. “Are you guys okay? I know you were fighting about us.”

“It wasn’t about you,” Peter assured him sincerely. “You and the twins have done nothing wrong.” Nicky gave him a hopeful look because he wanted Peter to explain what happened the previous night. Sighing, Peter shook his head. “As per usual, I messed up his good mood. It was nothing you three did that made us argue. I upset him and he…let me know that.”

“But he was upset with you and with the twins. He said—”

Peter shook his head again. “Dad isn’t mad at any of you. He was mad at me, Nick. Just me. The three of you honestly did nothing wrong, so there’s no reason to worry.” He kissed Nicky’s hair and whispered, “I promise neither of us are mad at you three. We love our beautiful babies to death, Nicky.” Peter took care of the waffles as he occasionally glanced at his teenage son. “You know I have this tendency to make a total mess of things between dad and me. I don’t do or say things right all the time and I…hurt his feelings, for lack of better terminology. He doesn’t like feeling alone when we’re together and I hate that I made him feel that way.”

Nicky’s brows furrowed. “How does dad feel alone when he’s with you?”

“It’s…complicated. When you’re a dad someday, you’ll probably understand, buddy.” Peter moved to set the plates of waffles down on the small table near a loveseat.

Nicky followed Peter and watched Joey plop down onto a tiny chair so he could eat his waffles. “But you and dad are going to be all right?” Peter nodded immediately. “You’re sure?”

Peter didn’t have the chance to respond. “Absolutely.” Nicky and Peter glanced at Neal as he came into the room. “Good morning, my loves,” he murmured as he pulled Nicky into a hug and proceeded to kiss his husband. “Poppa and I are going to be just fine. We’re fine now, actually.” He looked up at the older man and Nicky intently watched their interaction. The soft smiles on their faces as they looked at each other warmed Nicky’s heart. “I’m going to stop fighting over stupid things. I’m sorry for concerning you, Nicky, but we’re good.”

Sliding his arm around Neal’s lower back, Peter gripped Neal’s bare hip. He liked that Neal’s sleep pants were a little low and that Neal didn’t put a shirt on. Neal was still so warm… Peter kissed Neal’s forehead and whispered, “Dad and I love each other a lot. You know we’ll get through anything together, kiddo.”

Nicky smiled at them, accepting that because he could see the way they were looking at each other. It was the genuine kind of love he saw from them on a daily basis, so he knew it wasn’t some show they were putting on just so he’d stop asking questions. “Go eat some breakfast, kiddo,” Neal said softly as Brie finally joined them. “We’ll go to the Louvre in a little bit.” That excited Nicky beyond words, which delighted his fathers.

The two men went into the kitchenette while their children ate breakfast since Peter had prepared pre-cut waffles for the twins. “Honey?” Peter said quietly as he watched Neal pour them a small glass of wine. Neal made a sound of acknowledgement. He wasn’t planning on drinking heavily. Neither of the two of them were. “I love you so much.” Neal met Peter’s gaze and he could see Peter’s passion in his eyes. “Thank you for giving me chance after chance even though I know I never deserve them. You’re a very gracious man and I—”

“Oh, shut up,” Neal murmured. “I don’t give chances. You’re my husband. We’ll both make mistakes while we’re together.” He took a sip of the wine before sharing with Peter. “I’m okay with mistakes as long as those mistakes don’t extend to men—or women—on the side. I—”

Peter nearly spit his wine back into the cup. Neal raised an eyebrow at him. “There is _no way_ in _hell_ that I would ever cheat on you.” Neal knew that. He’d only been giving an example, but, naturally, Peter took it personally. “I’ve never wanted to look at another man since I first looked at you. Before we were together, I knew there would never be anybody else for me if I didn’t make things work between us. You’re so special, Neal, and I can’t fully express just how special you are.”

Lifting his left hand to caress the side of Peter’s face, Neal whispered, “You’re equally special to me, Peter. If you weren’t incredibly special, we wouldn’t have lasted after my memory loss.” Peter’s heart sank a little at the thought. He always kept it at the forefront of his mind that he could have lost his one true love if things hadn’t gone the way they did. If he’d lost Neal then, he would’ve regretted letting him go and he would have regretted never fully and truly appreciating Neal the way he deserves to be appreciated. In his own mind, he felt like he underappreciated the hell out of his husband. “When I look at you, even after all of this time, I can feel butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. My heart races, my mind can’t process anything else, and my eyes solely focus on you. It’s like you have this magnetic pull on me. I’m always going to be attracted to you, Peter. Nothing will change that.”

Nicky couldn’t hear what his parents were saying to each other, but whatever Neal was saying to Peter made Peter emotional. He wasn’t sobbing or anything like that, but Nicky noticed the way Peter was smiling and the single tear that slid down the side of his face while he stared at Neal happily and lovingly. Not for the first time since his fathers had gotten together, he hoped he would have a relationship like theirs someday.

All of the ups and downs were worth it in the end.

Peter kissed Neal’s forehead and whispered, “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Neal. You’ve become part of me. Without you in my life, I’ve lost a good portion of my heart and my soul.” He slowly embraced his husband, holding him as lovingly as he could while pressing his face against the side of Neal’s face. “You’re like the air I breathe. If that air supply were cut off permanently, I would surely die.” Peter took Neal’s hands in his own, sliding his thumb over Neal’s rings—rings he’d given Neal to show Neal that he wanted their relationship to progress and endure. “Without you, I’m an empty shell of a man until I faded away into nothingness.”

“Fortunately, you’ll never have to know how that would permanently feel,” Neal whispered, assuring him that the fears he alluded to were never going to happen to them. “Marrying you was a choice I made. Falling in love with you was something I had absolutely no control over. It just happened the moment I met you.”

They were both quiet then, allowing the silence to calm them as they held each other and listened to their children laugh. Nicky was messing with the twins in between bites of breakfast and the two men loved hearing those little laughs and giggles.

In the end, all of this _is_ worth it. They both know that and that will always fuel them to make things work between them.


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter...switch things up.

A week into their vacation, Neal went to the Louvre with only Nicky—again. Nicky kept wanting to go back repeatedly, so he repeatedly pestered Neal to take him there. Peter said he didn’t mind staying in the suite with the twins and urged Neal to go have fun with his son since they were both artsy. Neal hadn’t wanted to leave his husband behind, but he took Peter’s advice and left with Nicky.

They were gone for several hours—longer than Neal expected—because Nicky kept wanting to revisit certain artworks he liked.

Little did Neal know that Nicky was doing all of this on purpose…

By the time the two of them returned to the suite, the twins were down for their nap and Peter wasn’t in the main living area. “Poppa’s probably asleep and I think I’m going to go lay down with him until the twins wake up. Does that sound okay?”

“Definitely,” Nicky said a little too eagerly. Neal watched his son curiously as he seemed overly giddy while approaching the room he shared with the twins. “Oh, dad.” Neal made a quiet sound as Nicky turned around to look at him. “Thanks for taking me to the Louvre. It’s a lot of fun with you.” Neal smiled at his son, loving the cute little smile on Nicky’s face before Nicky went into the bedroom.

Neal headed into his bedroom and was surprised by the fact that the room was so dark—except for the candles that were lit on the nightstands. He could see Peter’s face and Peter was smiling at him softly, lovingly. “Hello, beautiful.”

“Hey, handsome,” Neal said as he entered the room and closed the door. “What’s going on?”

“Come closer.” Neal did as his husband asked and approached their bed. He could see that Peter was naked and beneath their blanket, but there were also rose petals on the bed. “Would you like to undress yourself or would you prefer that I do it for you?”

Raising an eyebrow at his husband, Neal began to strip his clothes down, letting them fall directly to the floor. He wanted to know what Peter was doing and he didn’t particularly care if he tossed his clothes into a neat pile somewhere. Neal slid into bed, getting under the blanket with his husband. Peter was smiling at him sweetly and Neal felt compelled to ask, “What’s this all about, babe?”

“Can’t a man just want to spend time with his husband?”

Neal chuckled. “I suppose. This is new though,” he said as he played with some of the petals on their blanket. “You know you don’t owe me anything special, Peter…”

“I do,” Peter said. “This isn’t my way of making up for something. I just…want to be with you.”

“Do you want me to top?” Peter gave him a hopeful look. He hadn’t wanted to ask, but he’d been hoping Neal could decide that for himself. “I don’t mind, but you’ve got to tell me that that’s what you want to do.”

Peter nodded. “I won’t demand you to, but I would really, really like it if you would.”

Neal grinned at him. “Well, you haven’t asked since the first time we tried.”

Rolling his eyes, Peter said, “Whenever I thought about it, you wanted me inside of you—or we had a child interrupt us. Having two cock-blockers is a pain in the ass.”

“You’re telling me.” Peter tentatively laid down on his back when Neal gently pushed his shoulder back. Shifting over, Neal straddled his husband’s waist. “Since the kids are actually sleeping, we may actually have the opportunity to go all the way through with this. Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for that?” Peter rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Peter. We only actually tried once and things went very well as far as I’m concerned. I’m just making sure you’re going to be okay if we make it to the penetration part.”

Peter slid his arms around Neal’s neck and nodded. “I’ll be fine, honey. Don’t worry. If there’s something I have a problem with, I’ll let you know right away.” Neal trusted that he would do that. “Can you…do what you did last time we tried this?”

Neal nodded. As he’d started before, he began by kissing his husband. He was easing Peter into this and setting the mood a little more since Peter set the mood prior to his arrival. The candles that lit up their bed in a romantic way and rose petals on the bed had certainly done things for Neal and Neal figured that Peter knew it would have an effect on him. “I love you,” he whispered against Peter’s lips, “more than anything.”

Peter appreciated hearing that and knew Neal wasn’t whispering sweet nothings to him. Everything Neal would say during their lovemaking was how he actually felt or what he actually thought.

The younger man took his time while stimulating his husband’s body as he had the first time they’d attempted this. He kissed his husband—and it eventually became French kissing when Peter grabbed Neal’s ass. As Neal began to kiss, lick, and nip at Peter’s lips, jaw, and throat, he tweaked Peter’s nipples. They’d both been rough with nipples in the past, so Neal didn’t feel nervous about messing with his husband. “Oh, damn,” Peter moaned, resting his hands on Neal’s shoulders. “I like that.”

“I know you do,” Neal said slyly. Peter smirked at him. He watched his husband slide further down his body until his mouth was sucking on Peter’s right nipple. His hands were holding Peter’s hips and Peter was thrusting up against Neal’s body, rubbing himself against his husband’s warm skin.

Neal gently bit his husband’s nipple, eliciting another moan from the older man. “Oh, Neal… You haven’t even gone down on me yet and I feel extremely close to bursting.”

Chuckling, Neal lifted his head and said, “Well, don’t come yet.” He teased Peter by licking Peter’s neglected nipple for a few moments before continuing on his way down, licking random patterns down Peter’s torso until he reached Peter’s pelvis. “Can I open you while I’m sucking on you?”

“Whatever you want to do,” Peter said breathlessly.

After several minutes, the two of them decided they were going to shift into a sixty-nine position. Peter didn’t particularly like the fact that Neal’s upper body was underneath their blanket, but they liked having it cover them when they made love. It was just a habit they couldn’t break because of their time in Neal’s old apartment. Not having privacy made it a _little_ important to cover themselves up since they had a child not too far away from their bedroom.

When Neal’s mouth slid away from Peter’s cock and his tongue ended up against Peter’s hole, teasing it before sliding inside, Peter made a pleased sound. He kept sucking on his husband’s length as Neal licked him. They’d done this in reverse before and it worked well for them. Neal’s saliva had made penetration a little easier when Peter made love to him, so he imagined that it would work the other way around.

Neal pulled away and surprised Peter by sitting upright. “Suck?” he asked as he held his right hand out towards his husband. Eagerly, Peter did as his husband asked of him. Peter sucked on Neal’s fingers as eagerly as he’d sucked on Neal’s length, so it had the same effect on Neal as it did when he was receiving a blowjob.

Peter released Neal’s fingers with an audible slurping sound while smiling up at him. Neal returned the smile before leaning forward again. The sound Peter made when Neal gently slid his middle finger into Peter’s hole made Neal pause. “I’m okay. Sorry, honey. I promise I’m just fine.” Neal was taking his word for it. Neal kept pumping his hand at a decent pace while occasionally teasing Peter with a lick—or he would nip at Peter’s ass playfully. “I’m curious. Have I bitten your ass before?”

“I don’t know if you did it intentionally or not, but you have once or twice, I believe,” Neal said while his hand continued to move. He slid his index finger into Peter and slowly began to make scissoring motions with his fingers to loosen his husband’s muscles. “You’re very relaxed this time,” Neal complimented, glancing over his shoulder to watch Peter rub his ass or stroke his length.

“I trust you. We didn’t go all the way last time, but you proved to me—not that it was necessary by any means—that you’ll take me and my feelings into as much consideration as I’ve taken you and your feelings.” He rested his hands on Neal’s ass, cupping his ass cheeks as though they were very precious to him. Everything about Neal was precious to him.

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s thigh and whispered, “Of course I’ll take everything into consideration. You’re my husband. I love you and want this to be as good for you as you make it for me.” Moments later, Neal was shifting around again. After straightening up, he spread Peter’s legs and positioned himself between them, resting his hands on Peter’s thighs. He met his husband’s gaze and whispered, “This is it. Are you sure this is what you want?”

Peter rested his right hand over Neal’s left. “Absolutely,” he said softly.

The younger man waited a few moments longer, looking into his husband’s eyes just to be certain that Peter wasn’t lying to him. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Peter was telling him the truth. He just wanted to be sure. He himself hadn’t had a choice when Vincent raped him and took his virginity. Because he could remember that pain and regret, he wanted to make sure he gave Peter the choice to change his mind more than once.

Once he was sure that Peter was sincere, he grabbed himself and slowly guided his length towards Peter’s hole. He made sure he didn’t rush this. He could remember how it felt to have no preparation whatsoever. He’d been a young teenager when Vincent raped him. Vincent hadn’t taken the time to ease into Neal’s body the way Neal was easing into Peter.

All of this felt so strange to Neal. As he entered his husband’s body, he believed he could practically feel what Peter was feeling.

Peter’s left hand tangled up in Neal’s hair. He gripped his husband’s hair and his jaw set firmly as Neal slowly pushed into him. “Peter?” Neal whispered concernedly.

“Wait. Wait. Please wait,” Peter pleaded as Neal was halfway into him. Neal immediately stopped and watched his husband’s face in horror. “I’m okay. Just… I need a second, honey.” He cupped the back of Neal’s head and breathed heavily.

“Am I hurting you?”

“No. I’m just trying to adjust,” Peter assured him, rubbing his thumb over the back of Neal’s head. He lifted his legs and rubbed them against Neal’s hips slowly, trying to calm himself down using Neal’s warm skin. When Neal leaned forward to kiss him, Peter became very relaxed. He loved how his husband’s lips caressed his own. “Okay,” Peter whispered against his lips.

Neal looked at Peter’s face concernedly as he asked, “You’re sure?” Peter nodded, so Neal, once again, took his word for it.

Sliding into his husband until he was fully sheathed within the older man’s body, both men moaned quietly. Peter let out a shuddering breath as he stared up into his husband’s eyes. Tentatively, Neal began to rock his hips. Peter made quiet sounds each time Neal thrusted into him, but he wasn’t asking Neal to stop. Neal was watching his husband’s face because he wanted to know if he hurt his husband or not. It wasn’t that he thought Peter wouldn’t tell him, but he just wanted to be observant. “It hurts,” Peter said quietly.

“Do you want me to pull out?” Peter shook his head. “Peter, I don’t want you to—”

“You told me there would be pain,” Peter interrupted. “I’m going to assume this is just pain for virgins.” He could see the concern in Neal’s eyes and knew Neal was going to put an end to this because he didn’t like that he was hurting him. Grabbing Neal’s ass with the hand that wasn’t tangled in Neal’s hair, he whispered, “If you can get through this pain and enjoy having love made to you, then I can do it, too.”

Neal leaned down to kiss Peter again as he slowly resumed their lovemaking. Peter was making slightly pained sounds that were beginning to unnerve Neal. “Peter, telling me to stop won’t disappoint me,” he said as he paused again. “I love you and I don’t want to do this unless we both enjoy it.”

The older man lifted his hand away from Neal’s ass and held his shoulder instead. “I’m all right, Neal. If I want you to stop, I promise I’ll tell you.” Neal’s hesitation was understandable when Peter thought about it a little more. His first time had been extremely painful for a different reason and he was more than likely afraid of recreating that horror with him. “It’s okay, hon. This is between us. You’re my best friend and my soulmate. I don’t trust anyone more than I trust you.”

After only a few moments more of hesitation, Neal accepted Peter’s statement. Before continuing, he arched over his husband and planted his left hand into the pillow beside Peter’s head and took Peter’s left hand in his right. He intertwined their fingers and rubbed his thumb over Peter’s skin a few times before he began to make love to his husband again.

For the remainder of their lovemaking, they didn’t stop. Peter didn’t need Neal to stop or hesitate. It took a little while, but he eventually began to truly enjoy the way Neal was moving against and inside of him. Neal kept kissing him to keep him relaxed and holding Neal’s hand was certainly helpful as well.

As they were both nearing their climax, Neal pressed his body closer to Peter’s. Peter’s fingers held Neal’s hair tightly, but Neal was more than happy to experience that. He didn’t mind it when Peter tugged on his hair a bit. As long as he wasn’t violent about it, there was no issue.

Neal breathed heavily against his husband and he was glad Peter was breathing similarly. “I love you,” he whispered to the older man as he sucked on Peter’s jaw. “So much. I love you so much.” He trailed kisses up the side of Peter’s face before he nuzzled his face against Peter’s. He could feel Peter’s sweat and tears as he nuzzled their faces together, but, much like his own tears when he was in Peter’s position, Peter’s tears were out of pure joy. He’d overcome the pain he was experiencing to start and now he could begin to appreciate that Neal was making love to him as he’d always made love to Neal. Even though they took their time, they were both very passionate.

“God… Neal.” Peter moaned and began to groan as he felt himself on the very brink of release. “I love you,” he whispered. Neal seemed to know exactly how to stimulate his prostate through the entire process and he was definitely using it to his advantage now. As Peter climaxed, he breathed his husband’s name fiercely before initiating a firm, yet passionate, kiss with his husband.

The sounds Peter made as he orgasmed and came against Neal’s abdomen were enough to bring Neal over the edge with him. Neal hadn’t hesitated to gasp into Peter’s mouth moments before he came in a rush—inside of Peter. The sensations Peter had now, after feeling Neal’s sticky warmth inside of him, were indescribable.

Neither of them moved for a few minutes after they’d finished making love. They both breathed heavily until Peter slid his arms around Neal, pulling him against himself for a tight embrace. Neal laughed a little and said, “I guess it wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“It was unbelievable,” Peter said softly. “Oh, honey… Thank you.”

Neal kissed Peter’s cheek, murmuring, “Don’t thank me for loving you. You’re everything to me and I would do anything for you.” Peter slid his hands up and down Neal’s back slowly, silently letting Neal known that he was happy with what they’d just done together. “Would you like me to stay inside of you or should I pull out?” Neal asked as he laughed quietly.

Peter stared up at him and said, “How are you not tired? I’m always exhausted afterwards.”

“Oh, I’m tired,” Neal said while chuckling quietly. “You can bet that we’re about to take a nap right now.”

They decided they were definitely going to take a nap. It couldn’t hurt considering the twins were taking a nap of their own and Nicky had already gone to the Louvre with Neal. Neal slid out of his husband’s body, enjoying the fact that Peter let out a quiet whine when their bodies disconnected. They curled up together and it wasn’t long before they were lulled to sleep by the sounds of each other’s breathing.

•◊•

Peter noticed the way Nicky was looking at him while they were sitting at dinner. Neal was taking the twins to the bathroom, which left the two of them alone together at the table. “Is something on your mind, buddy?” “Are you and dad okay?” Peter’s brows furrowed. “I mean, I know you guys were going to do _it_ when we came back to the suite, but it sounded…different.”

Raising an eyebrow, Peter asked, “Why were you listening, Nicolas James?”

Nicky blushed immensely. “You two are noisy.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Dad and I are perfectly fine. We were just trying something…new.” Nicky looked curious. “Uh uh. I’ve already said too much. Your father will murder me if I keep talking.” The teenager gave his poppa a pleading look because he didn’t understand what Peter meant by trying something ‘new.’ “What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.”

“That never stopped either of you from talking to me before.”

“Yeah. Well… Well, what dad and I do together in our room isn’t any of your concern. Just keep in mind that we love each other a lot, so…when you hear us, that means we’re really enjoying that love.” Neal rejoined them a few moments later. He put the twins into their little chairs before kissing his husband and taking his seat. “Welcome back, beautiful.”

Neal grinned. “Both of the kids went while we were in there. Joey’s aim has definitely improved.”

Peter and Nicky both laughed quietly. “Good boy,” Peter said endearingly to his toddler son.

“He isn’t a dog, Peter,” Neal teased. Peter smirked at him in response. Moments after Neal made that remark, Neal had to cover his mouth so he didn’t burst out into unnecessarily loud laughter. Joey decided that he wanted to toss his food—covered in sauce—at Brie, but he missed. Instead of hitting Brie, his food ended up on Peter’s chest. Neal thought it was hilarious and he tried very hard to contain himself, but Peter wasn’t exactly amused. “Good boy, huh?” Neal snickered.

“Shut up,” Peter muttered. “This is a per— _was_ a perfectly good shirt.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Peter, it can be washed out.” The older man harrumphed and glanced at his son to see the look of horror on Joey’s face. Joey thought he was going to be in serious trouble for that, but Peter didn’t scold him. Peter just went back to finishing his own dinner, so Joey eventually did the same.

After dinner, the two men carried one of their toddlers each back to the suite. It was pretty late and the twins were tired out after all of the running around they’d done a few hours earlier. Paris was intriguing to the twins and they really enjoyed giving their fathers heart attacks. Neal didn’t have anything to be upset about, so he figured their night would be better than the first few they’d had in Paris.

They tucked the twins into bed and asked that Nicky keep things quiet in there so he didn’t wake them. They’d earned themselves an eye roll from the teenager because he knew by now not to be loud when the twins were sleeping.

Neal put some of the twins’ toys away and assumed Peter was going into their bedroom to wait for him. By the time he made it into their room, he was surprised to find that Peter wasn’t there. He could hear water running in the bathroom, so he headed into there and found Peter attempting to get the stain out of his shirt. “What?” Peter asked when he realized Neal was in the room with him.

“What’re you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

Neal’s brows furrowed because he didn’t appreciate the hostility in his husband’s voice. “There’s no reason to be so snippy, Peter. Why are you acting like this over some sauce on a shirt?”

“Because this is a shirt you really like,” Peter muttered as he went back to cleaning the shirt. “Or at least you did shortly after we got married.”

The younger man approached his husband and wrapped his arms around Peter’s bare waist. “It looked good on you, love.” It was a silky, black shirt that Neal had liked when they went out for a dinner date at one point. It’d resulted in some very passionate lovemaking. In comparison to their current lovemaking, that night had been a little less passionate. Nonetheless, Peter wanted to take care of the shirt because he felt attractive in it. “I hope you know that clothing doesn’t make you more appealing to me.” Peter paused in his efforts and looked at Neal incredulously. “You’re already incredibly handsome. You’re already a beautiful person. You’re already the sexiest man I know.” Peter relaxed then because he didn’t think that was what Neal meant, but he didn’t want to say something negative or snarky and start an argument. For once, he actually hadn’t said something to fuck everything up. He figured that was a baby step in the right direction. “Whether you’re wearing clothes or not, it doesn’t change the parts of you that I love.” Peter smiled at him warmly, deeply appreciating how sweet his husband is. “I just prefer that you’re naked so I can see one of my favorite parts of you.”

Rolling his eyes, Peter said, “Way to kill that mood, honey.”

Neal grinned at him. “Kill one mood and get into another.” Again, Peter rolled his eyes. “Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me one more time, Peter Burke.” Peter smirked at him and Neal knew he was going to do it again. Typically, telling someone not to do something makes them do it anyway. In this case, that held true. Peter rolled his eyes for a third time, so Neal smacked his ass.

“Unlike you, I don’t mind having my ass smacked by my husband.”

Raising an eyebrow, Neal said, “Oh, is that so?” Peter was pleasantly surprised when Neal spun him around, pressed him against the wall beside the sink, and rubbed himself against Peter’s ass. He slid his left arm around Peter’s waist and pressed his hand against Peter’s chest. With his right hand, he smacked Peter’s ass. He wasn’t being cruel and Peter didn’t interpret it that way. Neal was being playful with him. “By the way, Mister Burke, I _do_ like having my husband smack my ass.”

Peter chuckled. Keeping his left hand pressed against the wall while holding the shirt he’d been attempting to clean, he reached back with his right hand and managed to swat Neal in return. In response, Neal began to suck on his neck. Peter was getting very turned on by his husband and figured that was the whole point of this. He purposely rubbed himself against Neal’s front and was glad Neal felt equally turned on. “Do you think you could lift me?”

Neal stopped what he was doing and lifted his head, glancing at his husband’s face. “Oh. So I did do something right earlier.”

“Stop that,” Peter said while laughing as Neal rubbed himself against him slowly. “You know you did everything right. I guess I’m just reinforcing that common knowledge with the fact that I want you again.”

“Consider that knowledge reinforced,” Neal murmured. He spun Peter around and pressed their bodies closely together while kissing Peter’s jaw. While he did that, he took the shirt out of Peter’s hand and tossed it aside. “I love the shirt when it’s on you, but it’s just a shirt.” Peter nodded silently because he didn’t think he’d be able to form a coherent sentence at the moment. Neal was kissing his jaw, rubbing his hands over Peter’s chest, and rubbing their lower halves together. As Neal stopped doing all of that, he smiled up at Peter slyly before gripping Peter’s legs and hiking them up and around his hips. Peter’s arms immediately wrapped around Neal’s neck and he stared at Neal in surprise. “You asked if I could lift you. Does that answer your question?” Peter nodded again. He was unbearably hard while staring into his husband’s eyes. “If there’s a will, there’s a way—and damn do I have the will.”

•◊•

Peter woke up the following morning and was, not to his surprise, sore as hell. He definitely wasn’t going to complain because his husband had been _incredibly_ sexy the previous night. That was something that intrigued him because he knew the Neal who hadn’t lost his memories would never have done anything like what they did last night. He was sore because they went from the bathroom wall to the bathroom door and eventually made their way to the bed. Neal had managed to get Peter to orgasm once at each of the three locations where they made love. Peter was considerably impressed by his husband and had no complaints whatsoever. Even while being passionate and in the heat of the moment, Neal had taken the time to take care of him and make sure he was comfortable—physically and emotionally.

They’d readjusted a few times and Neal slowed down when Peter asked him to. Overall, Peter was thrilled with everything Neal had done. From the physical love itself to the sensual kisses, Peter knew he could relive the previous night repeatedly and never forget how incredible Neal made him feel. Peter’s head was on Neal’s chest and he could hear Neal’s steady heartbeat. The rise and fall of Neal’s chest was something he loved. It signified that Neal is real and that he’s alive. “Good morning,” Neal whispered as he lifted his left hand to rub Peter’s back gently. Peter looked up at Neal’s face and loved the soft smile he found there.

Pushing himself up, Peter shifted a little so he could kiss his husband sweetly, whispering, “Good morning,” a moment later. He rested his hand on Neal’s chest and gently rubbed over Neal’s warm skin. “God. I could stare at you forever…” he murmured. Neal let out a quiet laugh and Peter watched the blush emerge on his cheeks. “Awe. I embarrassed my baby boy.”

“It’s not so much embarrassment as it is appreciation. I like when you tell me I’m attractive to you.”

Peter kissed his husband’s bare chest. “You’ve always been attractive. There should never be a doubt in your mind about whether or not I find you attractive.” He gently stroked Neal’s abdomen. Neal’s muscles turned him on—and he knew they were mainly from their sexual exercises. “I’ve always been thankful for the fact that you seem to find me attractive. I mean, damn. When I’m standing at your side, I am the most unatt—”

“—unappreciative man who can’t see how gorgeous, handsome, and wonderful he is,” Neal interjected, immediately cutting his husband off. “I love you for who you are, but your physical attractiveness is a bonus.”

“Suck-up.”

“Suck me,” Neal countered, grinning at his husband.

Peter smirked. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Neal raised an eyebrow and said, “Uh, _duh._ Of course I would love to have your mouth around me.”

Both men chuckled quietly. They eased into a comfortable silence as they stared at each other and gently glided their fingers over each other’s skin. Eventually, Peter’s thoughts consumed him and he felt compelled to break the silence so he could ask, “Neal, can I ask for your honest opinion on something?”

“Of course,” Neal said instantly.

Peter bit his lip before whispering, “Please don’t be mad at me or take offense to my question.” Neal’s brows furrowed and the comfortable atmosphere became a little less comfortable because he didn’t know what Peter was going to ask him. In a way, he was afraid of whatever Peter wanted to ask him. The last thing he wanted was another argument… “Do you think I’m any less of a man than I was before you made love to me?” Neal stared at him incredulously. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Do _you_ think you’re less of a man?” Peter stared at him silently for several moments before finally shaking his head. “Why would I think less of you? How does your manliness play any part in our lovemaking?”

Sighing, the older man whispered, “I don’t know. I loved everything. I loved having you make love to me. It gave me a new perspective and an understanding of what feelings you experience when our roles were reversed.” Neal was waiting for him to actually give him an answer. He wasn’t upset with the question. He just wanted to know why Peter felt like he needed to ask it. “Neal, I’ve always been a top. I’ve been sexual with you and with Elizabeth, but you two were the people _I_ made love to. I’ve never been on the receiving end like the two of you—before now.” Neal could see that Peter was struggling to talk about this. “I feel like I’m the one who is supposed to satisfy my lover—to provide protection, affection, and anything you ask of me. I… I don’t know, Neal. I just… I like making you happy.”

Neal stroked Peter’s arm slowly and whispered, “You make me happy. Sex positions don’t change that.” Peter shifted so he could kiss Neal. They kissed slowly and leisurely because there was no point in rushing something they both enjoyed. When their lips separated, Neal said, “No matter what, you’re my Peter. You’ll always be a great man to me.” Neal kissed Peter’s nose, eliciting a small smile from his husband. “My man. My sexy man.” Neal could feel how hard Peter was and he loved it. “You never thought less of me for being the receiving partner, so there’s absolutely no reason for me to think that way about you. Besides, lovemaking is between us. Even if somebody else knows we switched things up, who the hell cares what they think? We make each other happy in a variety of ways and nobody can change our happiness.”

“Shut up. You’re being too affectionate. I’m afraid you’ll overload.” Neal rolled his eyes. Peter smiled softly at him, whispering, “I love you and I’m glad you’re mine. I’m glad we’re equals in and out of bed, Neal. I respect you as much as you respect me and, as you said, we make each other happy in a variety of ways.”

Peter hugged his husband while laying on top of him. Neal softly whispered, “I love you, Peter. You’re everything to me and you always will be.”

The older man was very well aware of that. Neal proved to him—again, not that it was necessary—that he means everything he says and does. Resting his hand over Neal’s heart, he said, “And I’ll never forget that.”


	60. Chapter 60

Two years later, Neal was standing in front of a podium before a considerably large crowd. If he’d been asked two years prior about speaking to such an audience, he would’ve likely said ‘hell no.’ But there he stood, at the head of a large room filled with many, many chairs. The audience consisted of psychologists, therapists, counselors, students, and Peter. Neal had begun his studies in college and was now working his way towards becoming an art therapist. He wanted to major in art for obvious reasons, but he also decided that he wanted to help others turn their lives around the way he had, so he’d decided to double major in psychology.

He was nervous, but Peter had given him a pep talk beforehand that eased his nerves. Peter was sitting in the front row right in front of Neal and that also comforted Neal. He was standing at this podium, waiting for the crowd to file in and take their seats, because he’d revealed to his psychology advisor that he is a survivor of multiple rapes. His advisor asked if he felt comfortable sharing his experience and how he’d overcome his past, which then led him to this point. He’d practiced in front of Peter several times since the afternoon he said he would be willing to share his experience. This was six months in the making because he felt like he needed to prepare himself before speaking to a vast room of strangers.

As Neal watched the people continue piling into the large room, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Tentatively, he reached into his pocket and checked his phone to see that he’d gotten a message from his husband. “ _You look great up there. You’ll be amazing, beautiful. Wishing you good luck one last time. XOXO._ ” Neal smiled before looking up to find the chair his husband was sitting in. Peter was looking at him in such a loving way that Neal’s heart nearly melted. Not only was Peter present to support him… In fact, Peter had picked out the outfit Neal was wearing at this particular moment in time. It suited the theme of the event as well. Peter drove them out to the mall so they could pick out a dark blue suit for Neal, but then they’d come across a few other things that Peter thought would be very fitting. Apparently, Peter had done some research and realized that there was a teal awareness ribbon for sexual assault, so he’d sought one out and proceeded to find a teal tie as well as a checkered teal and white handkerchief to put in his suit pocket.

Peter had been his biggest source of encouragement after Neal discussed doing this with him. In all honesty, Peter was the reason he told his advisor that he would be all right with doing this. At first, he wasn’t quite sure if he felt up to talking about his past in front of an audience, but he spoke to Peter about it one night when they were finally alone and Peter told him that he thought the idea was great and that he would wholeheartedly support Neal if Neal chose to speak out. After all, he did say that there would probably be individuals in the audience who’d survived sexual assault as well. Peter suggested that Neal might provide a little guidance and positivity for others who’d gone through something similar.

Needless to say, Peter’s support made this decision easier.

Neal turned as an older man approached him at the podium. “Hello, Mister Burke. I’m Doctor Leonard.” Neal greeted the man kindly and shook hands with him. “I’m the director of the Voices and Faces program here in New York.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you and to be here,” Neal said softly.

Doctor Leonard smiled at Neal. “It’s a great pleasure to have you up here, my friend. I imagine this was a difficult decision considering you have lived through twenty years following the first violation.”

Neal shook his head. “Actually, it wasn’t that difficult. I spoke to my husband and Doctor Ryan gave me two weeks to decide. Speaking to my husband encouraged me.” The doctor in front of him looked impressed and glanced into the audience for a moment. “He’s actually here right now. He told me he supported me and my decision.” After a few moments, he ended up pointing out his husband to the doctor and the doctor said he would have to speak to Peter at some point in order to get acquainted with him.

“I’m going to very briefly speak about the program and then I’ll pass the torch onto you. If you need a moment at any point during your speech, please feel free to ask for a pause and take a seat or leave the room.” Neal nodded. “We have other survivors in this room who may not feel as comfortable speaking out as you’ve chosen to, but your wellbeing is very important as well. No one here will judge you if you need a moment.”

Neal took a seat behind the podium as Doctor Leonard began to prepare himself to introduce Neal. Two women had come up to the stage and took seats beside Neal. He knew they were survivors as well, but he’d been asked to speak because of the fact that he’s a male and men don’t typically admit to their sexually abusive past. As far as Neal knew, there really weren’t many male survivors who actively spoke out like he was planning to.

As Neal waited patiently for this to begin, he felt his phone vibrate again. Immediately checking his phone, he saw that Peter had texted him again. “ _I love you so much, honey. You’re my inspiration._ ”

Peter was being very sweet and Neal truly appreciated it as he responded in kind to his husband. Of course Peter knows how much Neal loves him, but Neal didn’t think Peter realized how inspirational Peter has been for him. If Peter hadn’t been there to help him through all of this, Neal didn’t know where he’d be right now. It certainly wouldn’t be up on a stage where he was about to give a speech about his personal experience with surviving rape.

“Good evening,” Doctor Leonard said to the crowd once everyone had quieted down. “Today, we have three speakers representing the program, Voices and Faces. Voices and Faces is a national network for survivors of rape as well as for advocates who wish to bring awareness to the issue of sexual assault.” He went on to describe how his daughter had been raped and committed suicide twelve years ago, which is why he’d joined this particular group as an advocate for awareness. “Our first speaker is Mister Neal Burke. He was first raped when he was a young teenager and his assaults lasted for a few years before he was finally able to escape his situation. He’s here with us today to talk to all of you about his journey through survival.” Turning slightly, he said, “Let us welcome Mister Neal Burke.”

Neal swallowed as the audience clapped. Neal didn’t require a script in order to talk about this. He’d lived through it and was very capable of remembering what he wanted to say considering Peter had helped him fine tune his speech by suggesting a few things Neal could add that he hadn’t thought about adding.

Neal approached the podium again as Doctor Leonard shifted and took a seat of his own to give Neal the metaphorical spotlight. He rested his hands on the podium and looked out at the immense group of people. There were more people than he realized there would be, but the one thing that kept him calm was his husband’s presence right in front of him. “Hello,” he said gently. “I was invited to give this speech by my psychology advisor who happens to also be an advocate for Voices and Faces. I’ve agreed to speak in their ‘From the Inside’ sub-program because I have firsthand experience with surviving rape.”

While standing up in front of the crowd, Neal could practically hear his husband telling him, “Make sure you talk about how men can be victimized, but are less likely to open up.”

“Some of you may be thinking: ‘There’s no way he was raped—he’s a man.’” He paused for effect because he could see that there were some members of the audience who believed that. “I can tell you that men are just as vulnerable as women when it comes to sexual assaults and rape. There’s a stigma on men that keeps them silent. Society looks at men in a way that compels them to remain silent because they’re afraid of looking weak to their peers. If we are adults rather than boys at the time of our rape, it’s suggested that we _wanted_ it or did something to deserve the rape we suffered through.” He could remember being told by his mother that he’d sought out Vincent’s ‘affections’ and encouraged a sexual relationship between himself and his stepfather. He knew damn well by this point that he had done no such thing. “I have personally been told that I was responsible because I ‘asked’ for it. For the longest time, I believed that and I wholeheartedly blamed myself for what happened.” He gripped the edge of the podium as he said, “But our silence needs to end. I will not let my voice and my story go unheard simply because I’m a man. I was, as Doctor Leonard said, a young teenager when I was raped. As a man, I have the right to protect my body and say no. Being a man does not mean I will enjoy each and every sexual experience I have in my life. In my case, it is clear to me that I was raped. I didn’t ask to be raped nor would I wish that upon anyone else at any age.”

Much to his dismay, he heard one of the ladies behind him whisper, “He doesn’t look like a survivor. He looks like he rehearsed a story.”

That infuriated him, so he chose to address it without bringing attention to the woman behind him. “I may not look like your typical victim, but I was victimized nonetheless. The majority of victims are female, but no one knows exactly how many men are victims as well. The social stigma that defines men as ‘strong’ and ‘invincible’ is what deters men, much like myself, from ever speaking out.” He glanced over his shoulder for a moment. The woman behind him realized she’d been overheard and she immediately looked apologetic. “I was thirteen when I was raped by my stepfather. I wasn’t able to escape him until I was sixteen, but the three years I spent with him after he began to rape me made me feel as though I were a caged animal.” He paused before saying, “I had no one to talk to and I was brainwashing myself into believing I had done something to deserve this kind of treatment. No one would have told me that I was completely innocent even though I now understand that I _was_ innocent. After all, who would believe that I, a young male, had been a victim of rape since this occurrence is so underreported?”

Neal spoke about his suicidal intentions following his escape from his stepfather because he’d felt weak, used, and worthless and discussed how his son came into his life at a time when Neal desperately needed some kind of saving grace. Peter had suggested that he say, “My son was my hero,” and so he did.

“My son was my hero. If he hadn’t come into my life when he did, I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t be here right now.” He spoke about how his son had changed him and made him want to be a better person. He told the audience that he strived to be a good father because he hadn’t had a good father figure in his own life. He said that he’d wanted his son to have a different life, a life in which he was happy and supported by a father who wouldn’t abandon or mistreat him. “As I’ve watched my son grow up, I’ve noticed how I have also grown up. I’ll admit that I still felt suicidal even as he was growing up and there were times when I nearly committed suicide because I couldn’t handle the way I felt, but I’ve grown up because I want to watch my son grow up. I want to be there for him and watch him as he makes a life for himself. I want to be _here_ for my daughter and both of my sons.”

He continued speaking about Nicky for a little while longer before shifting gears. “I mean, if you feel compelled to talk a little about me…” Peter had teased a few months ago. Peter didn’t particularly care whether he was included in Neal’s speech or not, but Neal told him there was no doubt that he was going to talk about Peter. How could he leave his biggest source of support out of his speech? Peter had changed his life. Peter showed him that his life was worth living and that was no small feat on Peter’s part.

“Nine years ago, I met the love of my life,” he said softly. “I’d been through hell with several previous relationships and there was, admittedly, a time where I slept around because I didn’t know how else to cope on my own. I’d been accustomed to abusive men in my life by this point and I continued inflicting harm upon myself by searching for men who would undoubtedly hurt me in any way that they could.” He glanced directly at Peter as he said, “My husband came into my life and he was the first person I truly trusted. He was the first partner I spoke to about my past and he’s been at my side through everything.” Peter was smiling at him lovingly, appreciating Neal’s words more than Neal knew. “I thought there was no hope for me in the world of romance because I’d always believed I was damaged goods. It wasn’t until I met Peter that I finally discovered how wrong I was. When I met him, my life changed. I had someone I could talk to who wouldn’t ridicule me or put me down. I had someone who would believe me. I had someone I could trust with my secrets for the first time in a very long time…”

Talking about his relationship with Peter made him feel more at ease. While he’d talked about Nicky, he felt relaxed, but discussing how Peter had shown him that survivors of rape can be loved gave him different feelings that relaxed him further. “You and I are something that’ll never end,” Peter promised him when he’d been sitting with Neal to discuss this speech with him. “I can guarantee you that I’m not going anywhere. You’re everything I want and more.”

“My wonderful husband has supported me since day one, but I don’t think I realized just how supportive he was until the day he proposed to me. As I said, I always felt like I was damaged goods. The day he proposed to me was life-changing because he showed me that I’m more than that to him.” He caressed his wedding ring on the podium as he said, “He has shown me time and time again that I mean a great deal to him and that I am simply a man he loves rather than a ‘weakling’ he feels compelled to care for. I never thought I could mean so much to someone—in general as well as in a romantic nature—until I met him.” He could see Peter messing with his own wedding ring as though Peter were mimicking him without realizing it. “Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, but it’s been perfect enough. We’re like every other couple. We fight, we argue, we cry, we laugh, we make love, and we raise our children together.” He took a moment to breathe before saying, “I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my life. Peter gave me hope. He fell in love with me and he fell in love with my son. Before him, I hadn’t trusted anyone with my son. Because of my past, I hadn’t wanted anyone to be around my son. The last thing I wanted was for my son to endure rape as I had at the hands of a stepfather.”

He could recall moments in which he’d heard Nicky tell Peter that he doesn’t look at Peter as though he’s a stepfather. He is Nicky’s stepfather, but Nicky chose to look at Peter in another light. Each and every time Nicky called Peter his poppa, Neal’s heart warmed. “He’s not my stepson or my husband’s son. He’s my son,” is something Peter said to Neal recently. It was something he’d said in the past as well, but it’d come up as part of their discussion for this speech.

Neal smiled as he said, “My husband isn’t my son’s stepfather though. Before Peter and I were even married, my son called Peter his poppa. Peter influenced him in ways that nobody else ever had or could. It was my son’s choice to call Peter ‘poppa.’ The fact that he felt comfortable enough to call him that solidified the relationship I have with Peter.” He discussed how Peter had supported him and stayed at his side through each and every time he had been raped—as well as when he’d lost his memories. “I am a survivor,” he said as he was preparing to end his speech. “With the support and love of my family, I’ve made it to this point and I have learned that I am not to blame for being subjected to rape. There was a time when I didn’t think I would live to be this old, but I look forward to the future I have with my husband and our children. It is my hope that more survivors will speak loud enough for their voices to be heard and have an impact. We are not victims—we are survivors. I’ve shared my experience because of how hopeless I’d been nearly thirty years ago. I’ve made it this far and I hope others will be able to reshape their own lives after surviving something so traumatic.” He cleared his throat for a moment. “I won’t tell you that I’ve gotten past my rapes because I certainly haven’t. They will always haunt me in some way for the rest of my life.” He blinked back tears as he said, “The journey to finding your own happiness and peace will be so difficult, but it isn’t impossible. Thirteen and sixteen year old versions of me would tell you that finding happiness is a hopeless effort, but the forty-one year old man standing before you today can guarantee that your future isn’t hopeless.” He closed his eyes for a moment before whispering, “I am a survivor and I am stronger because of my family. I couldn’t have made it this far without them and I can never tell them I love them enough for being my guardian angels."

As Neal lifted his left hand to wipe his tears away, he thought about how much his family loves him and has stood at his side through everything. The audience clapped since his speech had come to a conclusion and he went to take his seat.

Doctor Leonard introduced the next speaker and the woman who’d sounded slightly critical of Neal’s situation went up to share her story. Everyone in attendance sat through the two women’s speeches as patiently and politely as they had through Neal’s and Neal was more than happy to listen to their stories, too.

After the session had come to an end, Neal went to join his husband. Peter’s arms were immediately around him and his lips were against the side of Neal’s face. “You were wonderful,” Peter whispered in his ear while sliding one hand up and down Neal’s back. “I’m so proud of you, honey.” Neal breathed in his husband’s scent and focused on how Peter breathed against him. He was grateful for Peter’s presence in the room. He would always be grateful for Peter’s presence.

Neal answered a few questions that individuals wanted to ask him afterwards before heading over to the break area to get some coffee for himself. It was a little later in the evening by this point and they figured they should be getting home to put the kids to bed, but they trusted that Nicky was taking care of the twins for the time being.

“That’s the first time I’ve publicly spoken about my past,” Neal said as he and Peter waited for their coffee cups to fill. He slid his arm around Peter and rested his head on Peter’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t encourage me to.”

“The choice was ultimately yours,” Peter insisted, “but I told you right from the start that you have my support regardless of what you chose to do.” He kissed Neal’s hair as he added, “I love you. Seeing you up there was…incredible.” Neal smiled because he truly appreciated that. “Those students who approached you afterwards were also survivors and I honestly believe you inspired them in some way.”

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s shoulder before lifting his head so he could stare up at his husband. “If I can inspire others so they know their lives aren’t meaningless, then I’m proud of myself. I know I’ve changed since I lost my memory, but I also know this is the man I want to be. I will acknowledge my past, but I won’t dwell on it and allow it to control my future.”

Peter nodded as he watched Neal shift his cup so Peter could place his own under the coffeemaker. “I will support you no matter what. You’re my husband and I love when you’re happy, Neal.”

They stayed for another hour after the session had finished before they finally went home. The twins were in bed and Nicky was watching a movie when they’d finally gotten home. “Hey!” the teenager said excitedly as his fathers came into the house. “How did things go?”

“Very well,” Neal said with a smile.

Peter shut the front door and then rested his right hand on Neal’s right hip, curling his fingers around Neal’s curve. “Your father was fantastic,” Peter said enthusiastically, eliciting a blush from the younger man. “I loved his speech. He talked about our family a lot, but I loved everything he said about you.”

They talked to Nicky for a little while before heading upstairs, but not before they’d filled a glass of wine to share with each other. Peter said it was a little celebratory gesture since Neal had been able to give a speech about his past, but they both wanted a drink. They stripped down to their birthday suits, crawled into bed together, and cuddled. Peter held the glass of wine as he looked down at his husband. Neal glanced up at him and asked, “Will you always love me as much as you do right now?”

“No,” Peter said instantly. “I love you more than I did before and I know my love for you will only continue to deepen as time goes on.” He handed Neal the wineglass, letting him take a sip of it. “When I met you, I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone more and more with each passing day. It’s been nine years and I’m insanely in love with you.”

Neal smiled at him. “It’s been nearly ten years,” he whispered. “It feels like we’ve been together forever though.”

Peter chuckled quietly, nodding to let his husband know that he felt the same way about their relationship. “We have a good relationship,” he said softly. “We trust each other, we’re honest with each other, and we love each other with all of our hearts.” Neal shared the wine with him again. “I think our relationship has also changed—for the better—since we went to Paris two years ago.”

“Absolutely. Your trust in me has intensified since I first made love to you.” Peter agreed with that. “You gave me part of yourself that you’ve never given to anyone else. I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to love you like no one else ever has. I’m very grateful to be the one who first made love to you and the only one who continues to make love to you.”

“There’s no one I trust more than I trust you,” Peter whispered. “I love you with every fiber of my being, Neal George. I couldn’t say I love you if I didn’t feel it in every part of my body.”

Neal grinned as he whispered, “I know which part of your body shows me just how much you love me…” Peter watched Neal’s hand slide underneath the blanket and he didn’t even attempt to stop his husband. They were both in the mood, so Peter wasn’t going to protest to Neal’s obvious arousal.

•◊•

The following morning was their ninth anniversary, so they decided to wake up a little early even though they’d gone to bed a little later than they’d liked to. Before the kids woke up, they decided to shower together. “My baby,” Peter murmured while rubbing Neal’s hips. “God. I am so in love with you, Neal.”

“As I am with you, my big teddy bear.” Peter leaned forward to initiate a kiss with him that Neal immediately reciprocated. The older man slid his hands over Neal’s wet skin, touching him as much as he possibly could. When it came to Neal, his hands were capable of going anywhere and everywhere…

Grabbing Neal’s ass, Peter murmured, “Thank you for nine wonderful years, angel.” Neal shook his head because he didn’t want to be thanked. He believed that keeping their relationship together and as strong as it is was a joint effort that neither of them needed to be thanked for. “I’m serious. I truly love that we’ve spent nearly a decade together. I can’t imagine my life without you at this point.”

Neal rubbed Peter’s chest slowly. “I can’t imagine mine without you. You’re part of me, Peter, and I would feel empty if I didn’t have you anymore.” They were quiet after that. Words weren’t necessary between them, especially now that they were closer than they ever were before. The two of them had always had a very close relationship, but things had changed between them the last time they were in Paris. Their trust in each other shifted immensely in a positive direction when Peter was finally able to give his body to Neal. Neal had always willingly provided his physical self for Peter, which proved to Peter that Neal trusts him a great deal. In return, Peter had done that as well. Never before would he have ever considered allowing another man to enter his body. With Neal, it hadn’t been a simple matter of ‘entering’ his body.

As he’d found out while they were in Paris, Neal respects Peter as much as Peter respects him. That respect ran deeply in both of them in the emotional and physical sense. “Do you feel like going on a date with me tomorrow night?”

Sighing, Neal said, “You know I’d love to…”

“But?” Peter prompted, sensing that Neal regretted what he was about to say.

“I have my evening class tomorrow from six to eight.”

Peter groaned. “Shit. I forgot.” Neal gave his husband a sympathetic smile. Peter let out another dramatic groan. “Why did I let you take evening classes? Damn it, Neal. I ruined my own date before making plans.”

Neal snickered. “You said I function better later in the day than I do early in the morning. At least I didn’t take classes during your lunch hour.” Peter nodded because that was true. “How about this? You drop me off for class tomorrow, pick me up when it’s done, and we’ll go out for a little while just to be alone together afterwards.”

“That sounds fine to me.”

“Perfect,” Neal said softly.

And that was all Neal could think about as he sat in class the following evening. He’d dressed himself decently before heading to class, so he was ready to go wherever it was that Peter wanted to take him. Peter, being Peter, wanted to keep it a secret until they were actually there. Neal was perfectly content with letting him keep it to himself because he knows Peter likes surprising him.

While he was putting his notebook away after the professor finished lecturing, Neal realized two of his classmates had approached him. “Hey. Do you want to go out for a drink with us?” Neal raised an eyebrow at them. “If you don’t feel like drinking, we could use a designated driver.”

“What you could use is a designated citation,” Neal said in response. “Neither of you are of drinking age.” They looked at him incredulously, wondering how he knew that just by looking at them. “My son just turned eighteen and neither one of you look like you’re at least twenty. As the father of a teenager and as a former FBI agent, I would highly recommend that you avoid underage drinking—or at least drinking and driving.” He knew he couldn’t stop them from drinking underage. Hell, he couldn’t even stop his own son from drinking underage. He’d caught Nicky drinking at a party one of his friends threw the previous summer. Both he and Nicky discovered that Peter wasn’t going to tolerate underage drinking—in the fiercest of ways. Needless to say, Nicky hadn’t had any alcohol since Peter set him straight.

The two men were quick to make their exit. They both knew that Neal is an older student, but they’d been hoping he might be interested in a few drinks himself. Apparently, they’d been incorrect. Neal shook his head as he finished putting his things into his backpack. He stood up and left the room eagerly because he couldn’t wait to see what his husband had planned for them.

Much to Neal’s surprise, Peter was standing outside of the Taurus when he came out of the building. Peter was dressed rather formally and Neal instantly felt guilty even though Peter let him leave their home dressed as casually as he was. “My king,” Peter said as he bowed for a moment before opening the passenger’s side door. “Your chariot awaits, my lord.”

Neal grinned at him while approaching him. “And here is my knight in shining armor,” Neal said softly as he stopped in front of his husband. They both initiated a sweet kiss simultaneously. Neal rested his hands on Peter’s chest and whispered, “I’m still wondering as to what my knight has planned…”

Peter smirked at him before taking Neal’s left hand. He lifted his husband’s hand and kissed the back of it. “You have to be patient a little longer,” he teased. Neal couldn’t help smiling as Peter guided him into the Taurus. It was really sweet in Neal’s opinion. Peter always felt as though Neal were royalty though.

As Peter shut the door and came around the nose of the Taurus to get into the driver’s seat, Neal thought about how lucky he is. He has a husband who loves him dearly and they’re raising an eighteen year old and two four year olds together. His family has been everything to him and he believed he was very fortunate to have the family he has. Glancing over at his husband, he watched Peter drive. He focused on Peter’s face and wished he could stroke Peter’s cheek gently. Since Paris, their romance had changed. Peter had changed.

Neal could see a more loving nature to his husband. He found that surprising considering there were days when he honestly didn’t think Peter could love him more. They didn’t fight all that often anymore and there hadn’t been any need to have a discussion about the possibility of divorce. As far as Neal was concerned, they’d gotten so much closer since Paris. “I’m so in love with you,” he whispered. He said it while staring at his husband’s face and he honestly didn’t realize he’d spoken aloud.

The older man glanced over at him and gave him a soft smile. “I can’t tell you just how much I’m in love with you,” he said in response. “All the stars in the sky are nothing compared to my love for you.” He reached over with his right hand and took Neal’s left, intertwining their fingers. Neal closed his eyes and smiled as Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s skin. They could sit in comfortable silence together because they didn’t need to speak. The connection between them was tangible and they could practically feel each other’s happiness.

When Peter released his hand, Neal opened his eyes and realized Peter was parking the Taurus. “Are we there?”

“We’re here,” Peter whispered as he glanced at his husband. “Stay put.” Neal chuckled as Peter climbed out of the car quickly. He glanced through the window and saw the beach. The beach house they’d spent their shortened honeymoon in was in view. He heard Peter open the trunk and was instantly curious, but he decided that he was going to let his husband do whatever it was that he wanted to do. After a few moments, Peter pulled Neal’s door open, held his hand out towards Neal, and said, “My lord.” Neal smiled at him and took his hand, allowing Peter to once again guide him. Neal glanced down at Peter’s other hand and noticed that he was carrying a bag. “I’ve got something small for us to eat, some wine for us to drink, and then I’ll get to the part I’ve been looking forward to for a very long time now.”

Neal raised an eyebrow at his husband and said, “This is something you’ve been planning for a long period of time?”

Peter nodded when Neal closed the car door. He led Neal closer to the water before releasing Neal’s hand so he could open the bag. He pulled out a blanket and laid it down in the sand before taking his socks and shoes off. Neal did the same and they both sat down together. “I’ve been thinking about this for two years,” Peter admitted. “I probably could’ve held off until our tenth anniversary next year, but I decided what the hell.” He’d brought a bottle of Neal’s favorite wine—the same wine Peter had given him for their first Christmas together and the same wine they drank while they’d been on their honeymoon in the nearby beach house. “Every day with you is a celebration,” he said as he poured a single glass for the two of them. Neither of them needed to be drinking heavily since they had to drive themselves home. “Neal, I love you.”

The younger man smiled softly at his husband. “I love my Peter, too.”

Both men sat in comfortable silence as they watched the moonlight glisten on the water not too far away from where they were sitting. Once their glass was empty, Neal scooted closer to his husband and they both shifted around a little until Neal was lying back comfortably against Peter’s chest, between Peter’s legs, with Peter’s arms around him. Neal closed his eyes and smiled as he listened to Peter breathe, feeling his chest move with each inhale and exhale.

“Neal,” Peter whispered as he pressed a gentle kiss against Neal’s hair. “You have been the greatest gift I ever could’ve received in life.” Neal rested his left hand over Peter’s. He gently rubbed their rings together as he listened to his husband speak. “Not a day goes by when I’m not thankful for your existence. You have made the last nine years of my life heaven on earth…” Neal could feel tears welling up in his eyes even though his eyes were closed. “In all honesty, I never saw myself as having a ‘soulmate’ until the day I met you. Your eyes lured me in and damn am I thankful for that moment.”

“I didn’t know what love was until I met you,” Neal said as he opened his eyes and twisted a little. Peter could see the tears in his eyes, but he knew they weren’t unnecessary tears. “You’ve changed my world so drastically—and I am thankful for that.”

Peter chuckled and said, “Hush, my darling.” Neal furrowed his brows, wondering why Peter wanted him to stop talking. The two men moved in synchronization as Peter gently nudged Neal and began to stand. Neal simultaneously stood and turned to face his husband. Peter rested his hands on Neal’s hips. He stared into his husband’s eyes for several moments and proceeded to whisper, “You are the only man I could ever possibly love. I don’t know how I managed to find the right man for me on the very first try, but wow.” Neal smiled and blinked back tears. “You’ve been my everything since day one and I’m certain that you will be until my final moment.” He pulled Neal close and hugged him warmly, enjoying the fact that Neal’s arms wound around his neck. “My sweetheart, my angel, my baby, my Neal… I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life and I never want to find out.”

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s and whispered, “You’ll never find out.” It was a promise. He never wanted this love between them to come to an end. Even after their lives had come to an end, their love was endless.

The older man pressed a gentle kiss against his husband’s jaw before softly saying, “I’m glad to hear that. My life would be meaningless if I didn’t have you.” Neal gently massaged the back of Peter’s neck as he listened to his husband. Hearing Peter’s voice and hearing Peter say such sweet things to him meant a great deal. “You’ve given me so many things, Neal, and I wish I knew how to repay you.” Neal was going to respond to that, but Peter seemed to know that would elicit a response. “I’ve tried to give all of my love to you the way you’ve given me all of your love. I don’t know if I’ve done a phenomenal job of doing that, but I don’t know if I can ever fully thank you for giving me such a tremendous amount of love and joy.” Neal carded his fingers through Peter’s hair slowly as tears slid down the sides of his face. He didn’t exactly know why he was crying, but he assumed it was just his natural emotional response to everything his husband was saying to him. He really appreciated Peter’s words. “I do, however, have something I desperately want to ask you…”

Peter separated their bodies just enough for them to look at each other’s faces. He smiled at the younger man once he realized Neal’s cheeks and eyes were glistening with tears. “You can always ask me anything, my love.”

Both men were quiet for several moments before Peter took both of Neal’s hands in his and slowly sank down to one knee in front of his husband. Neal’s lips parted as Peter whispered, “We’ve been married for seven years, my angel, but will you do me the honor of marrying me again?” Neal grinned at him and nodded. He said yes and became very emotional as Peter stood up.

As Neal threw his arms around Peter’s neck and hugged him, Peter’s own arms slid around Neal’s waist. He held Neal tightly and spun him around, eliciting quiet giggles that warmed Peter’s heart considerably. After a few moments, Peter set Neal down on his feet and simply embraced him. “You know I will always say yes to you,” he whispered. “I could never dream of living a life happily if I said no to you.”

“It’s an honor to be able to call you my husband,” Peter said softly. “I can’t describe how much of an honor it is to know that you’ll say yes no matter how many times I propose to you—even after we’ve already been married for several years.”

Neal kissed his husband’s neck gently, whispering, “Time means nothing. We’ve formed an immense bond with each other, Peter, and it’s something that’ll only strengthen as time goes on. Nothing is going to tear our relationship apart and I’ll never have a reason to deny your proposal.”

In a matter of moments, the two men cleared the blanket rather quickly and proceeded to remove their clothing. It wasn’t the first time they’d made love on a beach and they both figured it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

•◊•

The following morning, Neal was making coffee for himself, his husband, and their teenage son. He couldn’t help smiling to himself as he thought about the previous night. Peter’s proposal had certainly been sweet and meant quite a bit to him, but making love with Peter with the moonlight shining down on them in a very public, yet very quiet, setting made butterflies flutter in his belly. They’d taken their time and came home a little later than they’d anticipated, but it was beyond worth it.

Peter was sitting on the couch in the living room. He was working on a book of crosswords that Neal had gotten him for his birthday. It was something for him to do when Neal was in class, but it’d become a weekend habit of his as well. Neal encouraged it and Peter enjoyed it. The two men developed a habit of doing independent things in bed before or after making love as well. While Peter worked on crosswords, Neal did some of his homework in bed or he’d read a few pages to a chapter of a book he’d picked up at the library.

They were certainly both very active participants in their bedroom whether they were topping or bottoming alternatively. Their process of doing something quiet for a short while in bed was simply so they could relax with each other. Neal hadn’t been for the idea of sitting in bed while doing his homework because he felt like being in bed meant it was time to make love or go to sleep. Peter was the one who said he had done FBI work while in bed with Neal before, so Neal had opened himself up to the idea of finding a quiet activity to do while in each other’s presence.

As soon as Neal began to sing quietly in the kitchen, Peter glanced up from his book of crosswords and smiled softly. Hearing Neal sing was always something he thoroughly enjoyed. His husband’s voice was so soft and it was obvious that he is very passionate about singing. Neal sang to their kids, sang spontaneously, and even sang to Peter at times. At this particular moment in time, Neal was singing _their_ song.

Peter set his crosswords aside and slid off of the couch. He headed into the kitchen and had every intention of taking his husband by surprise. He planned on kissing his husband’s bare neck, shoulders, and back just for the hell of it and because he loved feeling his husband’s skin.

When Peter slid his arms around Neal’s waist, Neal startled and ended up making a mess. The cups he’d poured the coffee into had, unfortunately, been near the edge of the countertop and his sudden jerky motion caused him to knock them off of the counter. The cups shattered and coffee spilled across the floor “Damn it,” he muttered.

Much to Peter’s surprise, Neal went straight for the paper towels. Watching Neal made him feel as though time had just looped back to the moment in which they’d first met. He could feel Neal’s frustration, but there was no feeling of distress emanating from his husband. When they’d met, he figured Neal had been under the impression that he’d lose his job simply because he’d made a mess in the break area on his very first day in the White Collar division. It was considerably obvious that Neal had changed and that he was in a comfortable setting.

The older man smiled as he watched Neal drop down onto his knees and began attempting to soak the coffee up in the paper towels. Once again, Neal failed to grab a towel that was nearby and, once again, Peter grabbed it so he could make the job easier on Neal.

As he crouched in front of his husband, he whispered, “Here,” and held the towel out to Neal. Neal looked at him then and his frustration melted away. His lips parted as he stared at Peter wordlessly. The coffee and shattered glass was long forgotten because he’d made the same connection that Peter had.

Just as he had when he’d first met Neal, he looked into Neal’s eyes and was mesmerized by them immediately. That beautiful shade of blue in his eyes hadn’t dimmed in the slightest. Now that he and Neal were closer, he felt like he could see into Neal’s soul rather than simply seeing beautiful eyes that were full of fear and dark secrets that haunted him. “Time certainly does repeat itself,” he whispered. He glanced down at the paper towels on the floor in front of him and smiled wryly. “And I haven’t changed at all.”

Chuckling, Peter nodded and said, “Don’t ever change.” Neal continued to smile even as he cleaned up the spilled coffee. Peter took care of the glass for him rather than allowing him to do everything himself. When Neal stood up after the mess was cleaned, he slid his arms around Peter’s torso and embraced him.

The two men quietly stood in the kitchen while holding each other. The warmth they shared in that moment went beyond the superficial level. They physically warmed each other with their touch, but the feeling of their love was what warmed their hearts. Their bond with each other was something they both cherished and something they could both feel at all times.

“I’m glad I spilled the coffee that day,” Neal whispered against him. “That little accident led my husband directly to me.” Peter was grateful for the fact that Neal had been transferred to the White Collar division. That began the path they were both on. Had Neal chosen to remain in DC with Fowler, who knows where they’d be right now?

“I’ve thought about that moment a lot lately,” Peter admitted. “When I met you, my first impression was that you were a very nervous, cautious man. In a way, I was right.” Neal wasn’t going to deny that. He’d been nervous and cautious for obvious reasons. Peter gently separated them and looked at his husband’s face. “When I look at you now, I can see a man who has grown in a variety of ways. You only get a little nervous when you have to present in front of your classes.” Neal chuckled as Peter smiled at him. “You aren’t worried that I’m going to leave you or find someone better than you. You’ve opened yourself up so much since we met and you aren’t cautious in new situations involving older men or men you don’t know.”

Neal nodded. “I know I’ll never meet another man like you in my lifetime, but meeting you was such an honor. You proved to me that there are men worthy of my trust—that you are worthy of my trust.” He rested his hand on Peter’s chest and rubbed over his heart gently. “I’ve given my heart to you as you’ve given yours to me. I don’t have a reason to be afraid of you or worry that I’ll be hurt because of you.”

Peter lifted his left hand and caressed the side of Neal’s face. “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered. “I love you very much even though I’ve made a bunch of mistakes throughout the last nine years.” Neal leaned into Peter’s hand and Peter could see the love in his husband’s eyes. “I don’t know if I’d be as patient with me if I were you. I’ve done a lot of stupid things.”

“We both do stupid things,” Neal admitted. “I’m not perfect and neither are you.” He closed his eyes as he said, “You’ve been more patient with me than—”

“Don’t,” Peter pleaded quietly. Neal’s eyes opened and his brows furrowed. “Don’t make comparisons. Loving you and helping you through your trauma has never been a matter of ‘patience.’” He knew Neal had been about to say that and Neal didn’t attempt to deny that he was going to say that. “I’ve been an asshole and you’ve been patient with me. You, on the other hand, have been through a great deal. I stayed because I wanted to, not because I felt like I needed to.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s lips slowly. “I stayed because I never wanted anyone else to hurt you. I wanted to be the one who made you happy and made you feel loved. In all honesty, I don’t think I could’ve forgiven myself if I’d let you go and watched you live your life with another man.”

Neal whispered, “Thank you for holding onto me.”

The older man sighed contentedly as he responded with, “I never want to let you go, Neal. When we’re together, I get to see you laugh and smile. I have the privilege of pleasuring you as well as the honor of having you pleasure me. I get to see you on your hands and knees as you play with the kids in the living room. I get to listen to you sing when you’re cooking, baking, and sometimes even in the shower.” The smile on Neal’s face was absolutely full of joy. “I get to watch you go to sleep every night and wake up every morning. I’m the one who gets to hear your every thought because I’m the one you trust with those thoughts. I'm the one who gets to call you my husband because you trusted me enough to accept my proposal and marry me.”

“You earned my trust.” He rested both of his hands on Peter’s chest. “There’s no one else I’d rather spend my life with.”

Peter nodded and said, “I’ll do my best to make you happy for the rest of our lives.” He glanced at the coffeemaker for a moment before meeting his husband’s eyes. Giving him a teasing smile, he added, “I’ll start today by making fresh coffee for you.” Neal chuckled quietly as Peter went about doing just that.

•◊•

Neal went to speak to his advisor a few days later since he hadn’t done so shortly after giving his speech about his past. He knew Doctor Ryan had been present that evening, but he hadn’t approached the man afterwards. Upon walking into Doctor Ryan’s office, he could see that the other man was pleased to see him. “I didn’t have the opportunity to thank you for speaking in the program, Neal,” he said softly as he gestured for Neal to take a seat in front of his desk. “Very few men have willingly stood on that stage in front of that podium and given the audience an insight into their past the way you did. We’ve written articles and papers about them with their consent, but it was such a pleasure to have you up there.”

Taking a seat, Neal said, “I’m glad I went up.” He smiled as he glanced at his wedding ring for a moment. “I went through my life believing my voice would never be heard because people are under the impression that men can’t be subjected to rape.” In the months leading up to giving him speech in front of an audience, he and Peter had gotten matching tattoos on their hips. These tattoos were ribbons with the color representing sexual assault awareness. Neal had been set on getting one for himself, but Peter proved to him that he was very supportive of Neal’s decisions and so much more by going along with him and surprising him by getting an identical tattoo. Neal’s ribbon was on his right hip and Peter had gotten his on his left hip. Peter had done that because he wanted their ribbons to touch, in a way, when they were pressed together. “My husband was the first person who believed me without a doubt. I didn’t go into specific parts of my teenage years, but my own mother hadn’t believed me when I tried to open up to her.”

Doctor Ryan nodded. “Well, that just goes to show that your husband is an incredible man.” He’d had the opportunity to speak to Peter a few times since Neal had been offered the opportunity to speak for the program. “If all survivors had a husband or wife like your husband, I believe they would all be better off and happier.” Gesturing at Neal, he said, “It was considerably obvious that your life was impacted by your husband. You admitted that you were, at one point, suicidal. Even though it was saddening for us to think about, it showed how much you were suffering. Your husband turned your life around for you.”

Nodding, Neal admitted, “I never imagined myself getting married or having more children. My son had been a surprise and I’d been through hell with several relationships. One man I was with did propose to me, but it didn’t feel right.” He couldn’t really remember how that moment had gone, but he felt sick when he thought about accepting another man’s proposal. “Peter is a wonderful man and I’m very thankful for him. He made every special moment between the two of us feel right.”

“I could see that he feels for you as deeply as you feel for him,” Doctor Ryan said softly. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look as proud of anyone else as your husband was of you.” Neal blushed and couldn’t help smiling. He’d seen the way Peter had been looking at him while he was speaking and he knew very well that Peter was proud of him. “He encouraged you to open up. Instead of sheltering you, he’s helped you spread your wings.”

“Absolutely,” Neal responded immediately. “Peter is a very protective man, but he’s always been supportive of me.” Neal thought about one particular night leading up to giving his speech for the program. They’d gone out to get some air and discuss the speech a little more in depth because Neal hadn’t made his decision at that moment.

Peter had taken him down to the beach and they sat on the sand together. He’d been between Peter’s legs with his back pressed against Peter’s chest and Peter’s arms were wound around him. “I know how unnerved you feel,” Peter whispered to him that night. “Speaking to a large group is something beyond your comfort zone.” He kissed the back of Neal’s head and told him, “If it helps you, pretend you’re talking directly to me. You’re so comfortable and open with me and I honestly think giving this speech is a good idea. I’ve seen you when you were in your darkest moment and I’ve seen you smile so brightly when you were truly happy.” Neal closed his eyes and listened to his husband speak to him. Listening to Peter was helpful and made him feel better. “I don’t want to tell you whether or not you shouldn’t do it because that’s up to you, but I think your story may help someone in the audience who is suffering alone in silence the way you were for a very long time.”

That night had simplified his decision. Peter made suggestions and even went on to ask how Neal would’ve felt if he’d had a male speaker talk to an audience he was in about surviving rape. Neal admitted that it probably would’ve helped him because he felt as though no one would understand him or what he went through. “I was a little reluctant at first,” he admitted, “to go up there. I briefly discussed my memory loss, but I can recall the moment I opened up to Peter. He’d known that something was hurting me and he tried to encourage me to open up to him. He was patient with me and very understanding when I finally told him the truth. He’s… God. Peter changed my life because he didn’t laugh at me. He sympathized for me even though he didn’t understand what I went through firsthand.”

“You told me that he tried to understand your situation and your feelings though.” Neal nodded. “I’d like to say that I too am grateful for Peter’s influence in your life. I’ve counseled traumatized individuals in the past and I believe Peter is one of the more understanding partners I’ve heard about in my career.”

The two men discussed Peter a little more before Doctor Ryan transitioned into speaking about Neal’s speech. He thanked Neal for being so willing to put his past out there for a variety of people to hear. He even went on to ask if Neal might feel comfortable speaking more for the program in the future. Neal hadn’t hesitated to say yes. He didn’t need to discuss this with Peter because he already knew how Peter would feel. Peter would support him wholeheartedly regardless of what he chose to do.

Upon returning home after his discussion with Doctor Ryan and sitting through a couple of classes, he told Peter about his decision and Peter grinned at him. “I think this is fantastic,” Peter admitted to him. They were sitting on the couch in the living room while the twins played a short distance away from them. “I loved watching you get up on that stage to speak out. You’ve changed so much since we met.” Peter shook his head and sighed contentedly. “I’ve loved being here with you, Neal, and I’m so proud of you. You used to be someone who was afraid of being hurt again and afraid of enjoying life or giving yourself to someone. Now, you’re so strong. You trust me enough to spend your life with me and your past doesn’t hurt you the way it did before.”

Neal took Peter’s hand in his and intertwined their fingers. He whispered, “Having you in my life has gotten me to this point.” He gave his husband a small smile. “I put you through so much, but you never walked away from me. I never would’ve blamed you for leaving if you chose to do just that, but the fact that you’re still here with me makes me so happy.” He leaned against Peter and rubbed his thumb over Peter’s skin. “I know how much I hurt you when I was hurting. I may not remember all of it, but I know you were hurting with me.”

“Of course,” Peter said softly. “I love you with all of my heart. When you hurt, I do as well. I don’t like watching you suffer and I’ll never lie to you and say I was absolutely fine when you were in pain.” He nuzzled his face against Neal’s and whispered, “My God was I in pain when you were. I couldn’t imagine leaving you alone, Neal. You’re everything to me and I wanted to take your pain away at every chance I possibly could.” Neal closed his eyes as Peter continued gently nuzzling their faces together. “I never want to walk away from this. Whether you’re crying or laughing, I want to be here. Living without you would hurt far too much.”

All of this was making Neal emotional. He didn’t exactly understand why, but he didn’t want to stop himself either. There was no reason for him to conceal his feelings when it came to Peter. As a single tear managed to escape his eye, he whispered, “Thank you so much for loving me the way you do—as much as you do. Thank you for not giving up on me or pushing me away because I was high maintenance.”

Peter kissed Neal’s tear away before proceeding to gently initiate a kiss between the two of them. He loved feeling Neal’s soft lips against his. Knowing that he could feel those lips whenever he wanted made his heart skip a beat. “You have never been high maintenance to me,” Peter whispered. “You were my boyfriend who, fortunately, became my husband. You’ve always been my lover.”

“And I always will be.”

•◊•

The two men waited until the summer had come before they decided that they were finally going to recreate their wedding. They decided they were going to take their children back to Paris with them, but they also decided that they’d have an intimate gathering and pay for the costs of everything. Diana wasn’t able to join them, but Elizabeth and Elsa, Mozzie, and Peter’s parents were able to come.

It’d been a beautiful ceremony even though it was definitely smaller than their first wedding had been. It was July twenty-eighth—a full month before their tenth anniversary. Neal and Nicky’s classes would start up around Peter’s birthday a few days before their anniversary, so they decided that doing this in the summer might be a better idea.

Peter and Neal asked Mozzie to ‘ordain’ their marriage. Mozzie had done exactly what he’d done for them the first time and he loved watching the two men say their own personal vows to each other. They decided to plan something on their own and surprise each other when they were standing in front of each other. Needless to say, they’d made each other cry with their sentiments and words of appreciation and love.

The gathering shared wine—or juice in the children’s case—and a light meal with cake before heading back to a hotel in which they’d rented out three suites. Peter’s parents offered to take Nicky, Joey, and Brie in their suite for the evening and Elizabeth hadn’t given Mozzie the option of purchasing another suite. In recent times, Mozzie and Elizabeth had gotten very close. After all, Mozzie was occasionally babysitting the Burkes’ toddlers as well as Elsa.

Because the kids were with their grandparents, Neal and Peter had the suite to themselves. For the moment, they were undressed and cuddling in their large bed with silky sheets. “I love you so much,” Peter whispered. He kissed Neal’s hair and sighed contentedly. “I’m very grateful for you and I’m happy to know you love me enough to marry me again.”

Neal kissed his husband’s bare chest before nuzzling his face against Peter’s skin. “I’d do anything with and for you,” he said softly. “You’re all I want, Peter.”

“You have all of me,” Peter said in response. “I gave all of myself to you the moment we met.” Neal pushed himself up a bit so he could look at his husband’s face and smile softly at him. “I don’t regret anything and I’d do it all over again. Had things not happened the way they did, I don’t know if we ever would’ve met or fallen in love.” He chuckled and said, “For all I know, you could’ve been a criminal.” Neal smirked at him. “You’re on a good path now and I’m very proud of you. I’m proud to call you my husband—my Neal.”

“My path changed when I met you,” Neal whispered. “Had you not come into my life, things would be very, very different than they are right now.” He rested his hand on Peter’s chest and Peter lifted his left hand to gently grip Neal’s right. “I haven’t lived a horrible life, but I have had horrible things happen to me in life. However, you and our children are certainly my rays of sunshine. The four of you have made my life so wonderful.”

Peter tentatively leaned towards his husband and kissed his lips slowly. “You deserve so much, baby, and I wish I could give all of it to you.” Neal looked a little upset and Peter didn’t understand why. “What’s wrong?”

Neal was quiet for a few moments, finding himself lost in his own thoughts. When he met Peter’s gaze, he asked, “Why do you think you aren’t enough? What more do I deserve when I have such a beautiful family that surrounds me with love on a daily basis?” Peter didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t quite sure what he could seek out for Neal that would be everything he deserves. Neal made a very valid point in saying that he’s surrounded by a loving family and Peter knew that Neal deserved love and happiness above all else. He and their children provided Neal with an abundance of love and happiness. In reality, Peter honestly didn’t think there was anything else that Neal could ever want. Even if Peter wanted to give Neal all of the stars in the sky, he knew deep down that their family meant so much more to Neal.

“We’ll suffocate you with love,” Peter said with a soft smile on his face. “That’s what you deserve—an immense amount of love.” Neal grinned at him. His eyes even sparked a little. “All I wanted was to make you happy and to make you feel loved. I wanted you to know that you are valuable, lovable, and so much more.”

“Mission accomplished,” Neal whispered. He initiated a kiss between them this time and proceeded to nuzzle his nose against Peter’s. “I’m happy. I feel loved. I know how valuable, lovable, and so much more I am.” Peter snickered a bit and Neal smacked his chest playfully. “Don’t laugh at me.” Peter chuckled even though Neal hadn’t made a joke. Neal rolled his eyes as Peter continued chuckling. “Shut up,” Neal muttered. “I’m a modest man. I was simply agreeing with you.”

Peter didn’t stop, so Neal ended up climbing on top of him to straddle his waist. The older man gripped his husband’s hips and sighed happily. “I’m not making fun of you,” he insisted. He rubbed Neal’s bare hips and focused on Neal’s eyes. “I just love that you’re able to see your worth and believe it.”

Neal arched over him and kissed him yet again. “I know how I felt about myself before,” he admitted, “and I don’t want to feel like that ever again.” Peter caressed the side of his husband’s face while listening to him speak. “I used to be suicidal. I used to watch you and wait for the moment when you’d leave me. I used to think I was a whore and that I wasn’t worth anything to anyone.” Peter could remember all of that as well. “I don’t want to end my life. I know you aren’t going to leave me.” He gently pressed their lips together and fiercely said, “I am not a whore and I am worth something.”

The older man slid his arms around Neal and nodded. “You’re absolutely right.”

“I want to make the most of our life together,” Neal whispered. “I don’t want to inflict harm upon myself or the people I love with all of my heart. I don’t want to drown in the dark waters of my past.” He pressed his forehead against Peter’s and breathed shakily. “I want our future to be filled with love, laughter, and joy. I want to watch our children grow up. I want to grow old with you.”

Peter flipped them over and kissed his husband’s neck lovingly. “I promise to grow old with you,” he murmured against Neal’s skin. “There is nowhere else I’d rather be or anyone else I’d rather be with.”

The two men made love shortly thereafter and were quiet as they enjoyed each other’s presence following their lovemaking. They’d whispered their words and promises of undying love for each other, knowing full well that their words were not full of lies. Both of them wanted to live their lives together and to go through each and every moment together.

With his head on his husband’s chest and the lights dimmed, Neal whispered, “Will you love me forever?”

In response, Peter slid his hand up and down Neal’s back before speaking as softly and quietly as Neal had moments earlier. “I will love you beyond the limits of time. Our love is limitless, Neal, and I promise I’ll show you that for the rest of our lives.”

Their bodies were pressed together comfortably and they listened to each other’s breathing until the sounds lulled them to sleep.

Neither of them could promise that they would love each other forever.

Forever simply isn’t long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this concludes the sixty chapter pieces in the Threads verse! I apologize for taking so long to finish this, but the semester is ending soon and I procrastinated a lot. I would like to thank each and every one of you for reading and commenting on this series. I wouldn’t have been able to update if not for all of you.
> 
> Even though this is the end of the sixty chapter pieces, I am very open to writing short pieces or one-shots that relate to this series. I’ve got a few ideas I plan on working on very soon, but I’m also open to requests. Whether it’s expanding on something I didn’t clear up in one of the previous stories or something you would’ve been interested in seeing in this series, I’m willing to keep this series going.
> 
> If you have any requests, you can comment on one of the Threads stories or contact me via my twitter account. Jawlinefordays is not me anymore. I’ve changed it to BomerStahr. You’re all more than welcome to follow me or contact me there at any time!
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to read this entire series. I can’t fully express how much that means to me. Until next time!


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